Miss America 2010: Three Hours For This?!?

Okay, so I was in L.A. a couple of weekends ago for my BF’s birthday, and I called up Flipit and Juddfan to see if they wanted to come see a drag show that my BFF Erick told me about (one of his other F’s was performing in it) and they were both like, “Who is this? How did you get my number?” Hahaha, guys. Eventually I convinced them to come, so we all met up at a place out in Silverlake for an evening of what turned out to be not only insanely wacky drag performances, but unbeknownst to me this was actually part of a drag pageant. As many of you may know, I live for drag pageants, and I wind up usually attending several per year, both on a local level here in Phoenix, and also on a National level. I have helped several friends compete, choreographed dance routines (and danced for them), safety-pinned dress straps, and even helped tape unruly penises back into place (something that rarely happens in real-girl pageants). So imagine how excited I was for Flipit and Juddfan to finally experience a pageant with me! Unfortunately, this pageant was one of the lower-end local events I’ve ever been to…

…for starters, this is last year’s winner…

And no, that’s not Carrie Prejean. I don’t think. Anyhow, these girls may not have been so pretty, but they were a spirited bunch, and at one point (while we were watching a Cher impersonator whose dick was busily trying to pop out of her body stocking) Flipit leaned over to me and said “Hey, do you want to do a write up on the 2010 Miss America Pageant next weekend?” and I said, “Sure, it sounds like fu–” and then I got whopped in the eye when Cher’s body stocking gave way. SO, come with me and let’s see how the real girls do it compared to the “ladies” I’m used to dealing with after the jump!So, for those of you who haven’t dealt with pageants before, this is not like the shit that goes on over on Toddlers & Tiaras. For one thing, it’s less confusing, there’s none of that Grand Super Supreme Empress Queen Diva crap. In fact, the Miss America Pageant runs much like the drag pageants do: we start out with several regional pageants at the local level, often with titles like Miss Phoenix, Miss Glendale, Miss Valley Of The Sun, etc. Winners of those local pageants will go on to compete at the state level (for Miss Arizona). Then the winners of the various states come together to compete for the national title of Miss America. The main difference when it comes to drag pageants is that you put the word “Gay” in front of all of those titles (Miss Gay Phoenix, Miss Gay Arizona, Miss Gay America). Oh, and everybody has a penis.

Another thing that Miss America has in common with the National drag pageants is that all the State Title winners come together to compete in preliminaries to determine who gets to Finals Night. The field is then narrowed to a Top Ten or Top Twelve ladies, and they fight it out amongst themselves to see who can hate gays and make a sex tape first win the crown.

This means I’m going to speed through an hour of “Miss America – Behind The Curtain” which will give us some insight into the Preliminary side of things (since the Finals are the televised portion). To begin with we have this queen…

…no, Clint, it’s not time for jazz-hands yet!…

I’ll tell you what not to wear, asshole: a fauxhawk. Anyhow, Clit here is at the Planet Hollywood Theatre in beautiful rainy-ass Las Vegas. Cue the montage of lightning and rain and wet and girls complaining about how looooong it took them to get there and how tiiiiired they are. Yup, so far this is just like a drag pageant. Anyhow, 53 competitors have converged on the PH to compete in the Prelims. We get a funny little moment from Chairman Sam Haskell as he tells us “The odds are that a parent would be more likely to give birth to a son who would play in the Superbowl than a daughter who would compete for Miss America!”…

…I’d say odds are that Sammy can no longer make frownyface…

The Prelims judge in four categories: Swimsuit, Evening Wear, Talent, and Judges’ Interview. And oh shit, you have GOT to be fucking kidding me, they have Rush “The Pharmacy” Limburger as one of the judges! Well, at least nobody will have to worry about being asked how they feel about gay marriage. He was cuter when he was a fat fuck, now he looks like a constipated preacher in dire need of a blow-job. Anyhow, Clit’s gushing about how the crazy, scary, packed schedules are causing a “non-stop emotional rollercoaster filled with constant drama 24/7!” Wow, who knew Clit had a handle on “street-lingo” like this?

Now he’s talking with a few of the contestants and asking them how scared they’re going to be to walk out on stage in their swimsuits in a little bit…

…”and more importantly, will any of you be rubbing your own nipples for maximum hardness?”…

Clit says when you see a woman in a swimsuit and high heels there’s a fine line between “Miss America” and “like, rap video star”. Interesting comment. I wonder if he would have used that same analogy if one of the girls in this little group had been, say. black?…

…sadly, Clit is the blackest girl in that little group right now…

In any case, Clitoya mentions that there are six styles of bathing suits for them to choose from and feigns interest in the girls showing them to him…

…especially boring since no one is rubbing their nipples for him…

Ugh, didn’t they used to be able to at least choose a color in the past? I mean, I know we don’t want any rap video stars skanking the place up with all their rappy videoeyness, but what would it hurt to have a plain solid-colored bikini? Boo for boring black. Anyhow, the funny thing is that during this segment they are playing pseudo-hip-hop music complete with wikki-wikki-scritchy-scratchies. Like this is some kind of rap video.

Well, that was a huge waste of time. Only 54 minutes until the real pageant begins. Let’s FF to the Preliminary night and the REAL swimsuit competition. Clit is joined by Miss America 1981 Susan Powell, who shows just how stuck in 1981 she is when she claims that of course the swimsuit portion is “every man’s favorite phase of the competition”…

…yeah, Clit, I made that exact same face…

I guess Susan hasn’t heard about this new-fangled gadget that men can use these days to see giant naked tits for free. It’s called “AOL”. Susan, honey, the only men who watch Miss America are gays, and we don’t do it for the swimsuits, we watch it for the talent and especially the gowns! if I were there live, this would be my cue to hit the snack bar and maybe pee, and text all my friends every time someone falls down on stage.

In any case, swimsuit segment counts for 15% of their score, and there’s a montage of girls walking while Clit and Sooze try to do a play-by-play and color commentary, which is just sad and silly and nobody cares. I dunno who Sooze pissed off on the board, but she sure got the shit-detail here…

…either someone’s tan session went awry, or that’s Carrie just after she won prom queen…

Speaking of tans, it turns out that the hotel’s tanning salon couldn’t fit everyone in, so they decided that nobody could tan. Everybody had to resort to spray-tan. I suspect someone substituted Butter-Flavored Pam, because some of these girls look downright basted. And while all this 24/7 drama about tanning was going on, I’m sure the ethnic girls were allll giggling on the inside. In any case, after all 53 girls jiggle their way around the stage in their boring black swimsuits, the Top Three are announced, and they are: Miss Puerto Rico, Miss New York and Miss Oregon…

…thankfully, Miss Idaho did not win and was thus spared from the usual tired jokes…

Well, that was kinda meh. I’ve seen Weight Watchers commercials that were sexier. Let’s move on to the evening gown competition. Clit says cameras have never before been allowed in the changing tent (yes, it’s just like Gay Pride, they force you to change in a fucking tent) but he’s going to get us back in there today, where there are only five different competitors waiting to chat with him. I notice that Clit likes to say “boobs” and “butts” and “naked girls” a lot, and it’s really not funny or cute.

One thing I have actually learned from women a long time ago: just cuz you’re gay does not mean you have a free pass to grab boobs, stare at vagina or slap asses. I hope Clit has learned that, too, because he keeps asking stupid shit like “So, it’s like 53 beautiful women in various states of nakedness?” and the girls are starting to look tired of all his pseudo-sexual references. This is a pageant, Clit… they’re not there to have an orgy in front of you so you can rediscover that you still only like dick, K?

In any case, he gets Miss Puerto Rico, Miss Ohio, Miss Nevada, Miss Maryland and Miss Oregon to show him their evening gowns, and honestly, the only one I really liked was *shockingly* Miss Nevada’s, because that thing was beaded for days from top to bottom. What can I say? I’m a sucker for sparkle, stones and beads. Let me illustrate for you…

…this is how my people do it…

Then again, Miss America is probably trying to go for a more tasteful, less glitzy vibe. Plus they don’t want any rap video stahs! Well, after Clit patted himself on the back for having gone “where no man has gone before” (J-Mo eye roll) it’s now time for the actual Preliminary night gown competition. Everything’s going great, until Miss Florida stumbles on the stage. Cue the instant replay! Clit and Sooze are giggling about it! Then out comes Miss Nevada’s dragalicious dress…

…I’m pissed that it doesn’t read so well on my crappy screengrab, but believe me, bitch could wear this at Miss Gay America and the kids would lose their shit over it…

Eveningwear counts for 20% of the overall score, but they’re not gonna tell us who wins this one, because it might take away all the suspense. Clit is clearly pissed about this, but I don’t think Sooze gives a shit, he’s been acting kinda grand back there tonight and I suspect she’s had about enough. Or she’s mad that he’s not picking up on her obvious flirting.

After a commercial break it’s time to check in on the dance rehearsal for the opening production number! And what do you know? The choreographer Barry Lather could be my fucking twin…

…except I still have hair…

Bodywise, we’re nearly identical, which is my way of saying he’s a fatass, too. In any case, poor Beary has the unenviable task of coming up with choreography that is more complex than step-touch-step-touch-box-step-vogue-pose, yet will still be learnable for the “non-dancers” in the group. Much footage of girls looking completely clueless and messing up the moves. If I were there I’d be keeping a handful of hair-jewels at allll times and just waiting for my moment to casually toss them on the floor. You never know when you might wind up dancing next to Elizabeth Berkley or Gina Gershon (or that nerdy hyper gay guy that was on Ellen).

Now we’re going to see what the interview portion of the competition is like. This is what caused all the controversy last year, and they have every reason to be nervous, because it’s 25% of their overall score! In most pageants you never see this part because it’s done in private. I can only imagine how gruelling it is, because it lasts for TEN minutes! That would feel like an eternity, especially if you’re easily tongue-tied, or just plain stupid. We get to see a few sample questions, and I’m guessing that Rush Limburger was absolutely horrifed by openly gay smooth-jazz sax musician Dave Koz asking a contestant what she thought about the possibility of Miss America one day being an out lesbian…

…Rush hopes if that happens it’s one of the lipstick kind… with a strong penchant for deaf drug-addicted right-wing assholes…

I won’t say it’s an impossible thing to think could ever happen, but I’d guess that a tranny will make it there before a lesbiana does. Of course, someone DOES actually ask the gay-marriage question, and while Miss New Hampshire says she supports it (yay!), Miss Washington clearly does not (boo!). Another contestant quotes Dolly Parton as saying everyone should suffer equally. You know, I love Ms Parton more than life itself, but y’all need to stop quoting that line, your average Second-Class American is getting a little tired of hearing it.

After a break, Clit gets his chance to go “toe-to-toe” with the judges for an interview, and when he arrives in the conference room he takes a moment to stop and shake the hands of all of them. When he gets to Vivica Fox, she goes all diva on him and bitchily says “Just so you know, they usually don’t get to touch us.” BWAHAHAHAHA…

…Thanks for the tip, Viv!… And just so YOU know, most people don’t look permanently surprised…

Clit’s interview portion is pretty stupid, and he comes off looking really shallow and vapid-sounding for saying shit like “Every woman has the right to look stylish.” and “The way you dress tells the rest of the world how you expect to be treated.” and FF.

Hey, let’s learn the Top Five Pageant Secrets!: #5 is “hairspray”. Huh? I guess they spray it on their faces to help their makeup set instantly! And under their arms to keep deodorant from flaking. And all over their bodies to keep from jiggling when they walk. #4 is “gaffer’s tape”. They use it on their shoes in various ways. That’s not nearly as fun as the hairspray. #3 is “toupé tape” which could really be renamed “titty tape”, and it’s used to keep ya boobs in ya blouse. #2 is “chicken cutlets” because everybody needs a tasty sammich when they get hungry. Oh, wait, these aren’t really made of chicken, they’re the contoured silicone bags used to help someone endowed like Miss Jane Hathaway look more like Pam Anderson. And the #1 Pageant Secret is… “butt glue”. Yes, this roll-on “booty glue” is used to keep the swimsuit bottoms covering their asses so that when they walk this doesn’t become the Miss Brazilian Wax Pageant.

After another commercial break, we get some time-wasting footage of the girls showing off their “hidden talents” such as being able to recite the alphabet backwards, name the 50 states and their capitals, and yodeling. And no, I didn’t make any of those up. Out of all of them, Miss Kentucky’s hidden talent is the most useful. She can contort herself to fit inside a suitcase…

…Great. Now you know it’ll only cost you $25 to fly home if you lose. …

Let’s move on to the real Talent competition, which is a whopping 35% of their final score. This is the my favorite part of pageants because it’s the segment that I am most often involved in, and it’s always the most fun to watch. These girls are singing, dancing and playing instruments. The major difference here is that they only get 90 seconds, where in drag pageants you get a maximum of about 7 minutes (and this is why Prelims last for 3 days and Finals night is a gruelling marathon, and by the time the winner is announced everybody’s drunk and passed out).

After showing several contestants performing flawlessly, we get to see the mistakes, which includes Miss Delaware’s shoulder strap falling down while she sang (horrors!) and Miss Missouri’s blouse-clasp coming undone during her dance routine (niiiiiice!). The worst of all just happens to be our very own Miss Arizona, who is actually doing baton-twirling… and yes, she drops her batons. Tssssss, ouch! Poor thing, she puts a confident face on it, but you can tell what she’s thinking…

…Yup. Shoulda juggled chainsaws instead. …

After all 53 girls performed, the Top Three wound up being Miss Virginia, Miss California, and Miss Michigan! And after another break (which contains commercials for the very show we’re now watching) we are given a choice of 12 contestants (voted from amongst the ladies themselves) who now plead for “America’s Choice” and people’s cell-phone votes…

…Eventually this is how we will decide the Presidential Race. …

This is totally uncharitable of me, but I wonder how many votes got screwed up because people can’t spell “Oklahoma” or “Mississippi” or “Ohio”? In any case, now it’s time for the real pageant, yaaaay! Last year’s Miss America Katie Stam is standing on top of the Planet Hollywood Hotel & Casino and fuck me in the ears, they’re playing that goddamned Black Eyed Peas crap again. I got a feeling that this song’s gonna be an-noy-ying. Even worse, it’s the soundtrack to their opening production number!!!…

…this is what it’s like to dance inside LegoLand…

Yeah, and Beary’s choreography? Is totally step-touch-step-touch-box-step-vogue-pose. In any case, most of the girls get it, there are a few glaring fuckups, but that’s always the case with any pageant’s opening production number, it really isn’t easy to learn an entire dance routine (even a simple one) in just a couple of days. I mean, it’s easy for me, but clearly not these ladies.

Then it’s time to meet everyone, and they all have a cutesy little tagline (for example, Miss Arizona says “From the state that brings you everything grand… even a big hole in the ground… representing the Grand Canyon State, I’m Savannah Troupe… Miss Arizona!”…

…hey Savannah, just keep smiling and shut your yap about your big holes, K?…

Hysterical, Miss New Jersey just said “Where big hair and fist pumps really aren’t accepted… and no, I don’t know ‘The Situation’… from the real Jersey Shore, I’m Ashley Shaffer… Miss New Jersey!” LOLOLLL, girl, you know you just made those kids’ night by mentioning them, don’t you?

…while Miss Oklahoma just made my night with her porntastic name…

And now, the only reason I could even hope to get my BF to watch this with me…

…it’s Greg LouGayness!…

KIDDING! It’s Mario Lopez, and he is clearly a gift from the Miss America Board Of Directors to all the die-hard gays who watch this show year after year no matter what broke-ass network it winds up on. Oh, and less exciting, Clit’s back…

…and just can’t stay away from the fucking jazz-hands…

Thankfully he’s on backstage duty most of the night so we can feast our eyes on Mario and wish he was in a swimsuit competition. He’s not really my type, but my BF insisted I put that in there.

First order of bidness is for Slater is to tell us who the winners of the “America’s Choice” contest are. And the first semi-finalist is… Miss Porntastic Oklahoma, Taylor Treats! Er, I guess just plain Treat. She’s followed by Miss Arkansas and Miss Kentucky. These three are choesn by AMERICA. It’s like democracy at work! Suddenly I feel so patriotic. I’m gonna go put on my stars’n'bars thong now, be right back…

While I’m struggling with that, let’s meet our judges with Miss America 1989 Gretchen Carlson…

…who’s already hammered…

Representing the “Field of Fitness” we have Olympic Gold Medalist Shawn Johnson…

…”Uhhhhhh, ummmmmmm, uhhhhh hhhhhhhi?”…

Representing the “Field of Botox Beauty” we have “producer” and “star” Vivica A. Fox…

…”…uck you, J-Mo.”…

Representing the “Field of *snort* Communications and Interview” here’s Rush Limburger…

…”Heya Gretch, you look like a party girl. Know where i can score some ‘vitamins’ for later?”…

Representing the “Field of Community Service”, Miss America 2002 Katie Harman…

…”Clearly I’m the only one anybody can take seriously on this panel.”…

Representing the “Field of Rich Homosexuals Talent” here’s Dave Koz…

…who wants to show us his real talent…

And finally, representing the “Field of Failed Reality Stars Entertainment” we have American Idol Season 7 finalist Brooke White…

…who still can’t come up with an original idea of her own, so she just copycats Dave Koz…

I was rolling on the fucking floor during her season of Idol when Miss Broke screwed up the beginning of her song and had to ask to start over again. Anyhow, Clit’s back on the screen to tell us this is the first time in 89 years that the pageant is going to allow the girls themselves to choose a finalist in addition to the ones chosen by America and the Judges. And the judges choices are: Miss Tennessee, Miss Colorado, Miss California, Miss Indiana, Miss Hawaii, Miss Louisiana, Miss District Of Columbia, Miss New Mexico, Miss Virginia, Miss Texas and Miss Nebraska!

The remaining 39 ladies are now gathered around Clit, who’s handing out cards and explaining that they get to choose the 15th finalist by circling her name on the card. Wouldn’t it be hysterical if there was a deadlock because they all voted for themselves? Oh wait, they thought of that, you can’t vote for yourself. So who is the 15th and final Semi-Finalist? Wow, it wound up being Miss Oregon…

…who just turned into a puddle of weepy blubber, and that’s no fun, so I’m posting this picture instead…

Clit hustles Miss Oregon offstage so she can literally run and get dressed in her boring black swimsuit. I guess the other 38 loozahs get to sit down on uncomfortable looking IKEA cubes and watch some other girl’s dreams come true. That would be fun. I would so be talking shit through my Vaseline-smeared smile with my fellow rejects. Anyhow, it’s time for the Swimsuit Competition, and here’s how it went!…

…hey, I hadda do something to jazz this shit up…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Seriously, I would be on a pee break while this was going on. After another break, Mario Slater’s gonna announce only 12 names to continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Mode– er, Miss America! The loozahs going home because they couldn’t rock a boring black bikini well enough are… Miss Arkansas, Miss Indiana and Miss Oregon…

…a.k.a. “The Three Ladies It Most Sucks To Be Right Now”…

So much for Miss Oregon winning the popularity contest amongst her sisters. That was a short high. Now they’re rushing back to change into their evening gowns, because here we gooooooo…

…again, I apologize for the quality of my screengrabs, it didn’t help that they barely showed the fronts of ANY of these dresses…

A couple of them had noticeable difficulties during this segment, particularly Miss Texas, who stumbled, and Miss Kentucky seemed to be fighting her train the entire time she was on the ho stroll. This round also features another cut, this time just two ladies, but before we get to that, Clit has finally managed to dig up someone that we here at the ‘Gasm find interesting…

…TEAM OREOHHELLNO!!!…

Yes, it’s Miss America 2004 Ericka Dunlap who just competed in this past season of The Amazing Race. She looks so pretty and composed here. You might better remember her looking like this…

…I wonder how many poor CBS cameramen she managed to turn into stone this past season? Hmmmm…

Anyhow, she reads a little speech (which she kinda trips up on a bit, perhaps she’s thinking about how many times we all watched her lose her shit on TV and the realization is finally catching up to her at this very moment) and then it’s time to start the Talent Competition. The 12 remaining Finalists don’t know what order they’re performing in, or even if they will get to perform! For now they have to wait through 9 performances before heartache will rear it’s ugly head once again. The first one up performing tonight is Miss California! She’s going to dance ballet en pointe…

…and demonstrate exactly how my little sister always left every single one of her Barbies when she was done playing with them…

Truth be told, I’m not a huge fan of ballet, and even less of a fan of tutus. Anymore it just looks lampshade-y and goofy when dancers wear them, I prefer a more flowing costume. She does quite well from what I can tell, and I’m sure she’s feeling a giant amount of relief being the first to know she’s moving on to the next round of competition. Following her is Miss Virginia, who’s going to go out there and sing “Listen” by Beyoncé from Dreamgirls, which I must tell you, has been done to death and beyond by the Drag Community (especially during Pageants!) but in all honesty, it could have been much worse: ..

…She could have gone with Beyoncé’s theme song from the movie Obsessed…

She’s got a servicable voice, but she’s nowhere close to Beyoncé, plus she overuses the melisma which makes it difficult for her to remain in key properly. Like towards the end when she totally bones all her runs, but finishes with an extended glory note to cover that shit up. It works, too, the audience erupts like we’ve just seen the birth of Beyonc-B. *facepalm*

Who’s next? It’s Miss DC, and she’s also singing, but she’s chosen opera (Puccini’s O mio babbino caro) and she seems to do a great job…

…even though she is clearly in need of some Prevacidâ„¢…

The stage theatrics that go along with this are a tad hokey, but she sounds pretty damned good, and I have to say I’m far more impressed with the discipline and talent it takes to sing this kind of music over some schlocky Hollywood pop ballad. She also gets great crowd response.

Next in line is Miss New Mexico, and she’s also singing, this time it’s Broadway in the form of the song “Somewhere” from West Side Story…

…and I bet Clit is just jizzing all over everyone backstage because finally someone got to use jazz hands!…

I’ve always been a sucker for the Barbra Streisand version of this song. Whoa, how gay did I just get there? Never mind, don’t answer that. She does all right, but the low notes are way out of her range and you can tell she’s struggling to reach them. Still, she knows if she ends with a glory note all will be forgiven. These are the things we learn from American Idol.

Slater calls up Miss Louisiana to perform next, and she plays classical piano…

…which sounds suspiciously like a jazzed up version of “Heart And Soul”…

I’m kidding, she’s playing a piece based on Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus” from The Messiah. She’s not perfect, though, there are a few wrong notes heard here and there, but her runs are really impressive.

Time for Miss Nebraska to show off her skillz, and OMG she’s doing a jazz dance to music from Legally Blonde!…

…which is the story of Elle Woods proving to everyone that yes, the carpet does match the drapes…

Wellll, solo jazz dance is hard enough, but this is just plain weird. I don’t know the show, though (see, my level of gay just came back down from the stratosphere) so maybe it was similar to the choreography they do there. If they whip their heads around a lot. And maybe they do, I’m just saying. Her big A-ha! moment comes when she turns her big fringe-y purse into a big fringe-y jacket and puts it on. Yay.

Miss Tennessee goes next, and she’s going to sing “I Will Always Love You” (and although she’s white, she’s clearly not going with the Dolly version) and it makes me feel a teensy bit better to know that the real-girls also bludgeon the same songs to death by doing them over and over as the drag queens do…

…and look! She’s even doing the patented Whitney “Oh no you DI-ent!” Handâ„¢!…

She does okay, but chickens out at the last minute where the really high notes would go, so, boo.

Let’s see what Miss Texas is gonna pull out of her ass. Oh lovely, it’s more Puccini (I can’t tell you the name of it because Mario’s Italian pronunciation is for shit)…

…perhaps it was something like “Rinunciato! In Nome Di Amore!”…

This sounds hysterical when I listen to it on fast-forward, like I’m doing right now. Zzzzzzz. Let’s see if Miss Kentucky can wake my fat ass up with her stirring rendition of “On My Own” by Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald. Oh. Wait, this is “On My Own” from Les Miz. My bad. Anyhow, here she goes…

…it’s nice to see such a healthy uvula for a change…

Also this is completely unrelated, but OMG Mario just pronounced her title as “Miss Kun-tucky”!! On national TV!!! Except it’s TLC and the Gosselins aren’t on, so nobody’s watching. In any case, she does a credible job, but honestly I can’t say too much here because my good friend Shawn (who lives in Kentucky and is my bestest pageant buddy) is friends with her, and he sometimes reads my stuff and I don’t want to have a big angry bubba calling me up and trying to read, write and erase me, K?

Now is the Moment Of Depression, because there are three contestants left, but only one is going to perform her Talent. And it’s Miss Hawaii, which means that Miss Colorado and Miss Oklahoma are out of the running!…

…which doesn’t mean they aren’t having fun fantasizing about tearing her throat out with their teeth…

Miss Hawaii is, of course, hula dancing…

…and this move means “I’m comin’ for the rest of you bitches!”…

It’s actually kinda intriguing, because she does the first half of it entirely on her knees, with all these awesome backbends down to the floor and then gracefully right back up again (she must work on that a lot) and as always, it’s kinda cool to see someone showing a part of their heritage as their talent, which is why if I was a woman (biologically, that is) and wound up in such a competition my talent would be snarfing down an entire Marie Callender’s apple-crumb cobbler in under 60 seconds. Leaving zero crumbs. Because that’s how my family rolls.

As Miss Hawaii finishes, Clit is right there to escort Miss Colorado and Miss Oklahoma (both of whom would have been dancing as well) across the stage to the IKEA Losers Cubes, but before they finish their journey he gets them to give us all a small preview of what we would have seen in their performances…

…I guess a healthy dose of pits and vag…

Lovely, thank you ladies. After another commercial break it’s time for the last portion of the competition: the On-Stage Question. This is what got that cooze Carrie Prejean in so much trouble last year (you know, before her sex tape and nude photos and bizarre behavior on Larry King made everybody realize just how big of a fucknut she really is). Anyhow, even though there are ten contestants left, Mario only has seven names, so three more people will be going home during this round. Also, the questions are coming from people on the street in Vegas and will also be asked in random order.

First up is Miss California, who is asked her question by some guy named Chris: “Sports stars like Tiger Woods and other celebrities can get millions of dollars for endorsements. Do we have a right to expect them to be positive role models?” Jee. Zus. What an annoyingly easy question! I’d like to ask Chris one in return…

…”Would you buy Charles Manson’s signature cologne called ‘Dismembered’?…

Really, like a Miss America contestant is gonna say somebody doesn’t have to be a positive role model! Of course she says celebrities have a responsibility to be positive role models, and Miss America has an “extremely larger responsibility” to be that way, so if someone accepts endorsement ideas they need to live “an appropriate lifestyle” and “have integrity”. Hmmmm, I wonder what “appropriate lifestyle” means? I’m hoping that’s a veiled TIger Woods reference (she stopped short of flat-out saying “Keep your dick in your pants, dude, or nobody’s gonna wanna buy Nikes anymore.”).

In any case, Miss California just got a total softball and she whacked it out of the park. I really hope someone asks them something about real issues that require an informed opinion, such as the health care crisis, or the economic meltdown, or if Cher could possibly have another hit in this new decade.

Miss New Mexico goes next, and her question is from a Captain in the US Army: “We live in an age where we’re not only U.S. citizens, but members of the international community. Should learning foreign languages be emphasized in our schools?” ¿Qué? Personally, I think we should all get cracking on our Mandarin, because one day China’s going to call in all the loans we owe them. Miss New Mexico agrees, but she puts it less frighteningly, saying we live in a diverse nation and should be welcoming of other languages. Zzzzzzz. A far more awesome answer woulda been, “Yes, kids should learn foreign languages so they can become undercover spies for the military.” See how easy this is? I could so be Miss America.

Next question goes to Miss Virginia, who I’m just now noticing reminds me a lot of Vivica Fox before she started fucking her face up…

…remember when smiling didn’t hurt, Viv?…

Her question comes courtesy of a matronly woman named Claudia…

…and her flared nostrils…

Gee producers, that’s a flattering way to film older ladies. In any case, Claudia says “The Miss America organization promotes healthy choices and fitness, yet teen obesity has become a growing health problem for our nation! What should be done to get our young people back on track.” I’m sorry, Claudia, could you repeat the question? I couldn’t quite understand it over the sound of your second chin flopping all over the microphone. First of all, teen obesity is not a problem for our nation, it’s a problem for teens. They’re always whining about how they want to be treated like adults, so let them handle it. End of story.

Oh, wait, this isn’t about me, it’s about Miss Virginia’s answer. She advocates taking away the TV and video games and getting kids back out in the street to play imaginary games with sticks like she did when she was little. I played that game, too, except it was called “smear the queer” and I was in great shape because I was always running for my fucking life from all the other kids with sticks. But still, fresh air is fresh air.

Time for Miss Hawaii’s turn in the hot seat. Some lady named Sarah asks her “Are internet social networks like FaceBook a safe and healthy way for young people to engage socially?”…

…Ummm, you tell me…

Of course, Miss Hawaii’s all about FaceBooking and Skyping and Twatting and thinks there’s nothing wrong with it at all as long as we monitor our kids when they use such sites…

…preferably in an awesome way like this…

Okay, let’s see what gravely important thing Crotchety Old Man Ross is going to ask Miss Tennessee: “Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol. Even when he’s right, his criticism can be very mean. When you’re trying to help someone, which is better: tough love or being gentle?” She smartly answers it should be a bit of both, and points out that Cowell’s mean-guy schtick is just that: shtick. Personally I think kids hear far worse criticism from their classmates, oh, maybe every single day of their lives and are used to it, I doubt they’re fooled when you try to nicely tell them that they fucked something up.

Miss Louisiana scores the second-to-last question, this time from a drunk lady named Carla who is tottering around down on Fremont Street: “The United States leads the international community in sending emergency aid to Haiti. Why should we send money abroad when we’re facing so many problems here at home?” Oooooh, good one! Miss Louisiana’s got it cock-knocked, though, because she relates that her BFF flew to Haiti just 2 days before the earthquake and has been there ever since helping save orphans… but then she starts to stumble and her answer gets all confused and rambling…

…c’mon girl, get your shit together! All you gotta do is say “Haiti” a bunch of times and look really sad and concerned…

Sorry, but she boned the shit out of her answer when she started talking about sending “musical funds” to Haiti so that “every child there could hold an instrument in their hands.” I think right about now they’d rather have one of those chicken-cutlet sammiches I was talking about earlier.

Here’s the Final Question, and it goes to… but before we find out, Mario wants to ask the remaining ladies (Miss Kentucky, Miss DC, Miss Texas and Miss Nebraska) how they’re feeling right now. Miss DC makes me fall in love with her when she looks him dead in the eye and says “Hurry up.” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! And the question goes to… Miss Kentucky!

Her question is asked by a gay guy named Adrian: “Mark McGwire and other athletes have admitted to taking performance enhancing drugs. Should athletes who use drugs be banned from sports for life?”…

…clearly Adrian has no idea who Mark McGwire is. He just wanted to be on TV with a really erect guitar that had the word “hard” on it…

Miss Kentucky doesn’t believe they should be banned for life because “everybody deserves a second chance” but at the same time she doesn’t understand why they don’t make a positive example of themselves. Here’s why: World. Record. Breaking. Number. Of. Home. Runs.

And that’s it! The competition is over with, so let’s have a thinly-veiled commercial montage of all the neat places to eat and things to do at the Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino, ok? Here’s what I like to do when I’m there…

We’re back, and before they announce the winners, it’s time for the step-down of last year’s winner Miss America 2009, Katie Stamm…

…who’s already practicing how to be super perky and annoying when she goes on Survivor…

And now it’s time for the final results:

4th Runner Up is Miss Kentucky (Clit sorta tosses some kind of flower bouquet at her)…
3rd Runner Up is Miss Louisiana (Clit actually hands her the flowers this time)…
2nd Runner Up is Miss Tennessee (Clit trips and stabs himself in the eye with the flowers… okay, no he doesn’t but I’m allowed a small fantasy from time to time, aren’t I?”)…
1st Runner Up is Miss California (who immediately starts plotting the demise of the winner)…

And the winner of the 2010 Miss America Pageant is…

…either mayo, mustard or ketchup…

…the winner is Miss Mustard, in the Ballroom, with the candlestick! It’s Miss Mini-Vivica Virginia!…

…and she immediately thanks Jesus (or she saw Miss California standing on the rafters over the stage holding a bucket of blood)…

And now it’s time for her crowning…

…sorry ladies, but the drag queens get far more elaborately grand tiaras than this…

…but sometimes they just need them to be bigger to offset their shoulders and arms…

And there we have it, she takes her first walk as a recording of Bert Parks singing “There She Is, Miss America” is played. Her parents look ready to collapse, and she’s having a great time blowing kisses everywhere. Awwww, I love a happy ending. For one out of 53 anyhow.

Any thoughts anyone? Is this pageant still relevant? Should they continue? Wouldn’t you love to go see a drag pageant? I know I am, because tomorrow is Miss Gay Pride here in Phoenix, and I’m definitely going to be there because we’ve been blessed with a guest performer… one NINA FLOWERS from RuPaul’s Drag Race!!!! It’s okay, you can hate me a little.

I’ll be back in a couple of days with the new Shear Genius! In the meantime, feel free to opine, and thanks again for joining me here!

love, J-Mo