Welcome back to the pageant world, my friends! Miss America: Reality Check is back again with another boring episode. Last week we got to meet the girls and learn that they are about to be transformed! Sounds exciting, right? WRONG. I have a little equation for all you lovely readers: zero drama + zero tears + zero freak-outs = NebbGirl being one sad recapper. Who else is with me?
We begin this episode with Miss Alaska discussing her platform with some of the other queens. She lists about 87 things. Isn’t your platform supposed to be like one issue? She must real bored up north to come up with so many things. I mean, I would be too if all I did all day was wear my parka and pet my sled dogs.
I’m not sure who decided to ask her to discuss this but she starts babbling to a lot of either clueless or super fed up girls. I can already tell that Alaska is rubbing peeps the wrong way and has no idea. Miss Tennessee confirms to us that she is bugged by some people and never mentions any names. She is a true pageant girl this one.
Pageant oath number one: Never really say how you feel about someone in front of others. Especially when you are on TV and being judged.
We wouldn’t want this show to actually be interesting now would we? Is anyone ready for a good Real World or Laguna type fight? Can one girl please just call another girl a slut so we can have a good and dirty catfight?
“I heart you! I just pepper sprayed your sash! Kisses!”
In the morning the girls are primping, of course, and are wearing their sashes over their pj’s and robes. I wonder if they all enjoy the sashes so much that’s why they have them on at all times, or if it’s a rule. I bet their pageant coaches back home crack the whip and make them wear them ALL the time.
And how many sashes does each girl have? Do they even wash them? So many sash questions, so little time. Did anyone else notice that each girl is called by their state name, not their first name? They are now null and void. Is the pageant world a cult that us outsiders don’t get it? I’m intrigued.
“Do you shower in your sash? I do.”
While the queens are getting ready, Miss Military is going crazy with the “pageant look.” She recalls the advice she was given to do more with her hair and makeup during the critique, so she decides to go all out and turn herself into a pageant clown. She thinks it’s funny to make fun of the suggestion, but her attitude is offending some of the other girls.
Okay, now I’m no pageant queen, but when you are living in a house with 51 other girls who have been dreaming of winning Miss America since they were four years-old, it’s not too smart to make fun of it. Girls can be crazy bitches, especially pageant girls. If I were Miss Military I would sleep with one eye open and the permanent markers under my pillow.
And since I’m not a pageant girl I can laugh and say I think it’s freaking hilarious that she’s making fun of it, but that doesn’t mean I’m on Team Military.
You went one tube of lipstick too far.
Michael then enters to give them their next task and guess what? Everybody screams when they see him! He tells them its bathing suit time! Drama? Maybe? No? Damn.
At the pool the girls have on their suits and sashes and are all dolled up. Looks like these girls have learned a lot so far since they are all standing in pageant stance. I wonder if it’s like second nature now and they just stand like that without even realizing it. I can just see Miss California at the grocery store waiting in line in her pageant stance just in case a judge would happen to walk in. We need some super secret pageant sleuths who can observe a pageant girl out of her natural habitat and report back to us at the Gasm. Any takers?
Don’t worry Vermont, no one’s looking at you.
Michael tells them they are going to test their intelligence today since they have a bad rap, and the Miss Teen USA’s infamous fiasco with Miss South Carolina didn’t help their cause. Miss New Jersey tries to tell us how the girls here are the most smart, errr smartest…oh wait she doesn’t know how to speak properly either! Way to crush the stereotype Jersey.
Pageant oath number two: When you don’t have anything smart to say, smile and nod.
Each girl that gets the answer wrong is out and must…GASP…JUMP IN THE POOL! THE HORROR! THE HORROR! The last girl standing wins it for her team.
Miss Florida is bitching already about how she doesn’t want to go in the pool. Does she give off a mannish quality to anyone else? Well she’s out the first round and almost has a freaking panic attack about jumping in and messing up her makeup. Wow, there’s a stereotype if I ever heard one. She eventually jumps in and there’s this music playing as if she just accomplished her goal in life. She didn’t just actually create world peace here people.
Do you see a hint of an adam’s apple too?
Some of the girls are doing pretty decent, though the questions aren’t all that difficult. No one else seems too freaked about getting wet either, until Miss DC jumps in and crawls out the side of the pool gasping for air. I think she’s faking it. Or her mascara ran into her eyes, but she claims she had an asthma attack.
Pageant oath number three: If you’re going to attract attention to yourself, make it believable.
She has a lot of practice faking it.
We are down to our last two contestants, Miss Colorado and Miss Jersey. The question is “What country is Borat from?” Time out. Is this really testing the intelligence of the girls? Or their pop culture knowledge. Colorado has no idea, Jersey knows its Kazakhstan and she wins!
Somehow I didn’t notice until now, that Jersey is on the Brown-Eyed Girls team, which was the most winning combination with brown hair and brown eyes. Unless I’m losing it, this chick is blond, or at least faking blond. Maybe they really had no other team for her to be on. Must suck to not to fit in anywhere! Good luck, Jers you got no one!
She just found out that blondes don’t have more fun.
Anyway, now that the girls are all natural looking after their dunks in the pool, Michael tells them they are getting makeovers! YAY! Maybe we can finally have some drama up in here. I need to see a bitch cry.
Their look is going to be assessed by expert hair stylist, Kim Vo, and make-up guru, Napoleon Perdis. After their makeovers they are going to take new headshots. Since Jersey’s team won they get their hair and makeup done by the experts. The other girls get to use the staff. Waaaa, waaa. Debbie Downer in the house.
Kim Vo is one scary mo-fo.
Would it have been too much to ask for the girls to give each other makeovers? Can you imagine queens cutting each other’s hair? We would definitely see the claws come out then. “Oopps, I’m soooooooo sorry! I didn’t mean to cut it that short. No no, you don’t look like a boy!”
The experts give basic advice to the girls. It’s the same old same old about less makeup, and looking more natural. I’m bored. Sadly there are no ginormous drawings of what they are going to look like when they are done, only Tyra has those connections. Kiss her fat ass!
Do we have a diva in the house? Miss Illinois is told they want to cut three inches off her hair, and she says she’ll pass. WHAT?! She is turning down expert advice and a makeover! The advisors are just as shocked as Kim and Napoleon are, and I am praying this finally turns out to be some sort of drama. Can we PLEASE see some tears? I really can’t take it much longer. Happy girls squealing all the time is enough to make me quit watching reality TV.
Its makeover time ladies! The queens are ready for a change and Illinois looks on, proud of her decision but also totally jealous that she isn’t getting pampered like everyone else. You can’t say that you don’t want their help and still expect them to play with your hair sweetheart.
Pageant oath number four: Never ever show regret for a past decision.
There’s no frowning in pageants.
Miss Indiana is in serious need of help, and she’s ready for it. She says that no one has told her any different so she was stuck with the pageant look. But she happily allows them to make her pretty. Hopefully they get rid of her clown makeup. She claims she doesn’t know any better; I claim she’s addicted to blue eye shadow and the 80′s want their look back.
D-E-B-B-I-E-G-I-B-S-O-N, S-O-N, S-O-N, Debbie, Debbie Gibson!
Another queen eager to get transformed is Alaska. Looks like she is getting twelve inches of hair cut off. Okay, now that HAS to be enough to make a girl cry. But again I’m disappointed because everyone oohs and ahhhs while it’s happening and Alaska loves all the attention on her. She takes her cut off braid and does an Indian chant, like the one you did in elementary school because you didn’t know any better. Everyone just stares at her and I can’t help but wonder how all of Alaska is feeling right now at their representation.
When I did this in the 2nd grade, Mrs. Freeman called my mom.
Miss Military is chatting off her makeup artist’s ear, talking about how she loves challenges, which is why she did marathons, joined the military and now is attempting pageants. Apparently, being in a pageant is the hardest of all. I mean, duh, it’s really hard to act like a woman when you are a woman, how do the rest of us survive?
Advisor Mark shows up to…advise. I’m not sure why he isn’t the photographer for this shoot since that is his profession. Apparently he’s too busy bitch slapping the girls in to shape. He tries to tell Miss Washington that she is prettier when she has the wet look, from the pool as opposed to the primped look. Wash is not feeling the frizzy hair look and laughs at his comment. Frizzy hair is not hott.
“You like my whaaaaaat?!”
Miss Illinois had to get ready alone since she had turned down the help. Advisor Mark is pissed that she didn’t take the makeover. He tells her she’ll always be the girl that didn’t take Napoleon’s advice – it’s very Lisa Love.
Miss Military informs us that she doesn’t know how to take pictures and starts acting all goofy. She is fishing for compliments from the not-Mark-photographer but his patience is wearing thin and he tells her to step aside and watch the other queens.
It’s official. I don’t like Miss Military. She is that type of girl who knows she’s cute and everyone loves, but she acts all dumb and innocent so people will tell her just how awesome she is. The same types of girls I did not vote for to let in to my sorority. How much do you want to bet that she’s the kind of girl who takes her own picture and puts it on her Myspace so people will compliment how pretty she looks? Annoying bitches aren’t cool. Man, I am fired up!
TEARS! TEARS! Alaska is crying to a few of the girls about being misunderstood or some shit like that. I think she tries to talk over my head because half the time I really don’t know what she’s saying. Maybe she is super smart. Maybe I just don’t speak crazy pageant.
I hear her tears turn to ice when they hit the ground.
Time to talk about the girls behind their backs! The advisors note who stood out in this round (i.e. the six that were centered around this episode – stupid editors.) It leaves no element of surprise. Basically, they are pretty pissed at Miss Military for her shenanigans, feel bad for DC and think Alaska is overbearing. Cut to what is referred to as the “Tops and Bottoms Ceremony”. I laugh at this because obviously I’m immature.
Come on down Indiana, DC, Military, Washington, Illinois and Alaska some of you are about to get your heart ripped out and trampled on national television!
Indiana – Top – Advisors like that she was willing to change.
DC – Top – They believe she was real with the asthma attack. I believe she’s a good actress.
Military – Bottom – Everyone’s pissed she dissed them (she tried to apologize – while giggling profusely.)
Washington – Bottom – Needs to show more confidence.
Illinois – Top – Turned down makeover, but listened to advice and still took great pictures.
Alaska – Bottom – She’s at an eight, they need her at a two.
I bet she got booted from Tom’s top eight.
Next week looks like more bathing suits, walking the catwalk, Alaska looking for redemption and Florida revealing some crazy secret (maybe that she used to be a dude? Just saying.)
Do you think there will ever be any drama in this show? Who are the front-runners and who is just missing the boat? Does anyone else think that maybe one of the advisors may be a judge at the live pageant since they saw the queens “transformations” first hand? Comment away!