Miss America: Reality Check: Winners and Losers and Tears, GOODBYE!!

We’re back with the last installment of the transformation of a lifetime! Oh, it’s just Miss America: Reality Check. Never mind. But we do get to say goodbye to the queens and see who’s made it into the final top three. See how they did after the jump!

So far it’s been a pretty intense competition according to Michael. But then again, Michael’s idea of intense involves baking chocolate chip cookies and washing his car.

We then see the girls performing their favorite pastime. Why, primping of course! We get a montage of curlers, hairspray and ugly eye shadow. I wonder when the queens watched the show if they realized how freaking ridiculous they looked and put the foundation down. The world may never know.

A few queens are sitting around chatting about their talents. Apparently Miss Iowa is a baton twirler. The only baton twirler among the queens, FYI. I wonder if she lights them on fire. I wonder if she has ever thrown one up and got hit in the head super hard when it came back down. I mean, having head trauma would explain why Miss Iowa is Miss Iowa. Don’t ya think?

“This one time at band camp I caught someone on fire.”

Some of the queens have seen some pretty crazy shit in the talent department. We hear random stories about bull whip cracking, bodybuilding, and one chick changed the oil in a car, wearing bedazzled overalls. The queen who experienced that momentous occasion first hand never mentioned if the oil changer won. I’m thinking no.

It’s time for the final challenge! This is somehow going to help the girls with the talent portion of the competition. All I know is that Michael thinks he’s a conductor in his tux and magic wand. The girls are supposed to know the lyrics to patriotic songs, and when Michael points to a queen, it’s her turn to sing. If they don’t know the next line, peace out. How. Freaking. Exciting.

Now, be aware that this is not to showcase the singers in the group but to see how the girls work under pressure. I mean, suuuuuuure, it’s not giving the singers an advantage at all! If only there was a baton twirling competition. One can dream, can’t they?

We start with the National Anthem. We quickly see the girls who know the words and how Miss Virginia does not. How do you NOT know the words? I mean, it’s only the like most popular song EVER. I don’t know why I care. But in any case, she’s out.

Miss Utah is next and she doesn’t know the words to her song either. How can someone in the Military not know the words to patriotic songs? Way to represent, Military! So, she decides it’s about that time to be an attention-whore. She falls to the ground and starts doing push-ups. I think it’s her passion in life to annoy the shit out of me. I’m sure she just wanted someone to compliment her on her bulging biceps.

“I’ve never even done push-ups before! I have no idea what I’m doing! Now tell me how awesome I am.”

Moving on. We finally get our first dose of bitchiness! Apparently, Nevada HATES Maryland. Ohhhh, bring the claws out! Call her a slut! Cut her dress up! Unfortunately, they don’t say anything even half exciting. I guess Nevada thinks Maryland is annoying and a show off. Cut to Maryland belting out some crazy notes and making up words as she goes. Annoying voice? Yes. Crazy, out of control hair? Yes. Maybe this Nevada girl is on to something.

“And then I’ll hide her sash. And then I’ll cut her hair. And then I’ll slip her a laxative.”

We are then down to our final two: PA and South Dakota. Who? She’s never been in any of these shows yet here she is competing for…nothing. Bragging rights I guess. Gooooo, PA! Do something right for once. Redeem yourself from the state flag mishap.

PA blanks on the words and SD wins it for the Red team. P.S. I know I talk about people’s bangs a lot because ugly bangs drive me crazy, but SD’s need mentioning. They start super far back and are horrendous looking. I would be the worst pageant girl ever because I hate bangs and apparently they’re a requirement.

And now the winner for the worst hair in the bunch!

Some of the queens are convening and talking about their fabulous transformations. Seems there are some bitter Betty’s in the Light Blue team. They don’t know how to get noticed by the advisor’s and don’t want that to hurt their chances of winning the actual pageant. One queen, I can’t tell who, said that she didn’t really see a change in people except that they have bangs now, LOL, unnamed queen. I wish I could tell who said that because she totally moved up a notch in my book.

Maryland says some deep, inspirational quote and Nevada rips on her to her face this time saying that was the smartest thing she’s heard Maryland say. Ouch. You think a comment like that would secure a bitchy comment back, but no luck. Everyone laughs it off as if it was just worded incorrectly. Nevada knows how to work it because that is the perfect way to get away with being bitchy. Believe me, I’ve had practice.

Michael meets with all the girls to tell them about their final challenge. It’s the queen’s last chance to prove to the judges how much they have changed over this excruciating-to-watch-process by throwing them on a red carpet with “paparazzi” and intense questions.

A few different designers have been brought in to help style the queens. They all introduce themselves to the girls rather quickly but TLC never puts their names on the screen. Guess they aren’t that important. The designers start name-dropping the stars they have worked with. We hear Jessica Alba, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce, Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone? Umm, she’s a little bat shit crazy and always gets voted worst dressed. I think I would leave her off my list next time, designer. I’m just saying.

Fake hugs + fake smiles = pageant girls

New Mexico tells us she’s worried she hasn’t caught the advisor’s attention. Sweetheart, it’s a little too late to start worrying about that. It’s nothing a bottle of hairspray can’t fix. Go drown your sorrows in some mascara.

Miss Virginia and Miss Illinois are both trying on black dresses. They totally look alike. It’s almost scary. Wouldn’t you want to set yourself apart from your twin and maybe wear a splash of color?

They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike. You can lose your mind when pageant girls are two of a kind.

Advisor Jeannie decides that Washington is in dire need of hair help. She runs and gets her brush and starts teasing the hell out of it. Umm, is this favoritism? Should an advisor really be concentrating on one contestant? That or Jeannie is trying to screw her over; because let’s get real people, who teases their hair these days? Its ’08 not ’88.

Stop. Put the brush down and walk away.

The girls need a break from all the getting ready that they do. A few of them are chatting and Washington is saying how Advisor Jeannie helped her, which made her feel like she was really bad off since no one else got one on one attention. Nevada is jealous that no one has said anything to her. Wash is quick to say Nevada should be happy she isn’t a train wreck, and she doesn’t feel bad for her since she’s blonde and tall. It’s amazing though because somehow all of what she said came off nice. Wash is the queen of being passive-aggressive. I think she’s my favorite.

We’re back to more primping and the bopsie twins are helping each other. Isn’t it rule number one in the pageant handbook not to accept the help of fellow contestants? Illinois could have totally laced the make up with something to make Virginia get red and blotchy or something. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part.

“Of course I would never intentionally hurt you! Now, this may burn at first.”

It’s red carpet time! Everybody scream! The advisors will be asking the in-depth questions to see how real these girls are and how they can react to random questions that are completely pointless.

Advisor Mark asks VA to say why she is more deserving of Illinois and Illinois gets the same questions. If I were one of the bopsie twins I’d be annoyed that the only thing anyone focused on was the one girl that looked like me. There is more competition than one girl. But whatevs, I wouldn’t be caught dead in this sort of atmosphere and situation to begin with.

Rhode Island gets asked about her future husband, cause that pertains to making the world a better place. Then she blanks on the name of the person who designed her dress. I’m pretty sure that just lost it for her right there. Advisor Mark looks pissed.

“How dare you not know the name of the designer we never introduced you to earlier!”

Advisor Dina asks Miss Delaware who, besides her, should take the title. Delaware answers that it should be Miss Military. Ugh. This makes me not like Delaware. Then we get to see our dear Miss Military. She is wearing an electric blue dress that is straight out of 1993. It almost looks like a shirt dress. All you need to know is that it’s fugly. She is hamming it up for the camera. Of course you are, attention-whore. But remember, she has no clue what she’s doing. Riiiiiiiight.

Rule #1 on how to lose a pageant: Wear this dress.

Side bar – there is random crowd of “fans” on the red carpet holding signs and cheering for the girls when they come out. I’m pretty sure that these peeps were slipped a twenty for their time and will be sent on their merry way on ten minutes.

In Florida’s interview she says she is much more confident and learned she can be beautiful with less make-up. Revealing her secret to everyone was a turning point in her life. Blah, blah, blah we get it. I’ve heard the story too many times now.

New Mexico makes her entrance and has a hat on. Last time I check hats and the red carpet don’t go together. But Advisor Dina loves her. She thinks she is super cool. Whatevs, I don’t see it.

Seriously?

Next up is our not-so-favorite-queen from the north, Alaska. She so loves this. She is waving to her “fans” and giggling like an idiot. She is also wearing the shortest dress ever. I mean it is REALLY f-ing short. Advisor Dina is questioning her and Alaska claims she is “as real as it gets” and that’s exactly what the pageant needs. Alaska needs to get off her high horse and go back to her igloo and shovel her driveway. I’m over her.

“Just because I’m quirky doesn’t mean I wouldn’t cut a bitch.”

Michigan talks for the first time ever, and answers something about how it’s hard to be a woman and still know yourself. Advisor Jeannie likes it. I think it sounds like a typical pageant answer which equals b-o-r-i-n-g. Let’s pretend that Michigan yelled out profanities and kicked Jeannie. Muuuuch better.

Washington gets thrown the ‘how do you feel about gay marriage?” question. Damn Advisor Jeannie. Maybe Jeannie REALLY does have it out for Wash. But she answers without hesitation that she’s in support of it and reveals that her dad is gay. And that’s all we get about that. No further explanation. Can Wash have her own reality show?!

We then see that Miss Vermont is wearing black. Is anyone surprised? Add some color, sweetheart. She is excited for all the people cheering for her. LOL, Vermont. They really don’t want to be there. And they probably won’t watch the pageant.

“OMG! I have fans? People like me? I have to call my mom!”

The advisor’s are having the final talk behind the girls back session and repeat everything we just saw, and we get some flashbacks of something that happened literally two minutes ago. I just watched the show, it’s not necessary for me to have flashbacks, TLC. I know you’re trying to fill an hour but that just drives me crazy. They could accomplish everything in 15 minutes tops, if they cut out all this BS.

So this is it, the final ceremony where there will be no bottoms because it’s not very pageanty to bring a girl down and then send her home right before the live pageant.

Michael announces the top ten girls that have showed the most improvement, and then three of those will win the AMAZING prize package. If he says AMAZING one more time I might lose it.

Hon, it’s not the kind of package you’re thinking about.

And the top ten are: Indiana, South Carolina, Illinois, Virginia, New Mexico, Florida, Alaska, Washington, DC and Minnesota.

For the most part I’d say these are predictable, besides SC, New Mexico and Minnesota. Those are outta left field to me but what do I know.

And now…the winners…. Miss Washington, Miss Indiana and Miss New Mexico! YAY!

These girls only cry happy tears.

The girls are of course ecstatic, while the judges give them some more complements. Ok, we get it.

And the reality check is finally over…and now it’s on to the pageant. Who will win? We didn’t have to wait long because the pageant aired live Saturday night.

I don’t recall ever watching a Miss America pageant before. But I was fairly interested in this one because I felt like I knew some of the girls enough to root for, or against them and I’m still hoping Miss Military bites it on stage.

At the beginning of the pageant the girls were still broken up in their teams from the show. They all introduced themselves with some crazy saying about where they were from. I noticed that a lot of girls had some serious big hair still…and lots of makeup. Not everyone got the reality check I guess.

PA intros herself by saying Pennsylvania is the home of Betsy Ross, where every resident knows her state flag. LOL PA. Way to bring up your forever embarrassing moment on TV.

Anyways, I’m sure many of you didn’t watch the pageant so here’s a quick summary of the two hours of my life I’ll never get back.

Miss Military was voted as viewer’s choice queen, but directly after the swimsuit competition she was cut, and showed off her push up skills/attention-whore abilities before exiting the stage. I hope I never see that chick anywhere again, ever.

Miss Iowa DOES twirl flaming batons she informed us, but it isn’t allowed in pageants. She was kicked off before we got a chance to see her talent and I was okay with that.

As for winners…the 2nd runner up is Miss Washington. The 1st runner up is Miss Indiana. Way to place in both competitions girls. Props. And the new Miss America 2008, Miss Michigan. Um ok…random choice, but whatever at least it’s over and I don’t have to watch anything else with pageant girls in it.

Yup. This hot mess is Miss America.

Thanks for any of you that stuck through this show with me, though it was painful at times. Hopefully I’ll be back to write about something else much more drama filled and trashy. Until then Gasmii…