Mob Wives: Bloody Facials & Brokedown Boyfriends

Is it wrong that I covet Drag Queen Renee’s (thanks for that one, @Derek Hazelton) boots in the opening shot? They are just so fierce. I wish I had legs long enough to pull off the thigh-high hooker boots. Instead, I would totally look like a dwarf playing dress up in those things. But, if I were a drag queen, I would be wearing those things to work, Home Depot, the library – you name it. Which is totally ridiculous. When is the last time you saw a drag queen at Home Depot? Maybe Lowes, but definitely not Home Depot.

Yes, bitches! I am fabulous! Ignore the photos of me that you will be seeing later in this recap. Just focus on my boots.

This week all of the girls seem to be getting along for the first time since the season started.

Let’s see how long Karen allows that to last. It’s Girl’s Night out in NYC. Renee is right at home being a “Mafier Princess” and enjoying all of the high maintenance it entails. The waiter is a good sport about it so, hopefully, they tipped him well.

Please leave a good tip. I never waited on drag queens before. Except that one time during Fleet Week.

They talk about Drita’s birthday and how she is having a party at the Chelsea room. There is some mention of Drita’s family coming. I assume it was just her dad that disowned her since she seems to have a relationship with her mom.

Carla and Drita are talking about how Renee should be working out rather than going the plastic surgery route.

Renee says something about skinny bitches giving exercise advice, but I was too busy wiping the Cheetos crumbs from my shirt to catch all of it.

Anyway, Renee is all about being the life of the party and mingles with some people at the next table. Of course, Karen has to put in her 2 cents about Renee being annoying when she is in party mode. I think the solution to that problem is for Karen to not hang out with her.

Everyone at the table seems a bit WTF at first, but it ends up ok with her dancing with one of the guys. Just as I’m thinking, “OK, she is a bit over the top, but she is just trying to have a good time.” We get a voice over of her talking about how Junior would react to seeing her dancing. Then, she totally saves it by saying if Junior cared he would still be married to her.

So, YAY for Renee. I love the look on the guy’s face. It’s as though this is the first time he has ever been mauled by a drag queen. Which, if his friend taking pictures in the background is any indication; it just might be.

Wait? She’s a drag queen? But, she is about to go down on me! Getta pickcha! No one is gonna to believe that Anthony G’s daughtah is a drag queen. An, she’s goin down on me!

Anyway, it looks like everyone had a great time, except for Karen, which I am ok with because (in case you missed last week’s recap) I hate her and I think she sucks as a human being.

Karen meets up with Drita for lunch and it sounds like they have been hanging out a good bit since Karen got back. Which makes me question why Karen has waited so long to mention her problems with Lee and Drita being together. She doesn’t say anything to her here either. Instead they talk about the good old days when Drita was starting brawls and how much fun they all used to have together. You know, back in the days when they would come home missing a couple of toenails and possibly some teeth.

Drita says that looking back, those stories are pretty demented and she always has to be careful about who she shares them with; because not everybody would think they are funny. Which, shows some awareness on her part. Then, I realize I’m watching her share those stories on a reality TV show.

This is the funniest thing ever. In her voice over, Drita is practically gushing about how fun and real Karen is and how much she loves her and is so glad that she is back. As the voice over is happening, we see Karen give Drita this look:

Yeah bitch! I know exactly how to play this. You think I’m your friend? I’ll show you. Once the drag queen is completely on my side, there is no turning back.

She also takes another opportunity to let the audience know that she still has issues with Drita. It’s weird because Drita really is being a supportive friend in this scene and she obviously has no idea that Karen has it out for her.

Renee and her friend Nikole visit the plastic surgeon. Renee is in for a laser peel, which is like a chemical peel only using lasers. You know, I don’t really have a problem with plastic surgery. But, I still wonder how anyone could stand the smell of their own flesh being burned off.

What’s a layer of skin? It’s all about beauty. As long as I’m beautiful when it’s all over…

Then, there is the immediate result before everything heals up.

I…am…not…a…monster!

Look, it’s not as bad as feels, or looks, or tastes. Besides, I am going to be FABULOUS when this shit heals up.

Plus, when they showed her all healed up, it didn’t look like there was any real difference in her skin. Maybe if she hadn’t piled on the make up? All I know is I watched this in HD and from what I can tell, she should have gotten her money back. Maybe it will look better in next week’s episode.

Anyway, Carla is scared that if Renee goes overboard with the plastic surgery, she will end up looking like Joan Rivers or a cat person. I immediately started thinking it would be cool for her to look like a cat person, so long as she doesn’t look like this:

Everyone wants to look like me right? I don’t look deformed…You people are mean!

So, now Karen is calling her baby’s daddy, David (notice the correct use of the term Baby’s Daddy in that they were not married and have a child together? KAREN!). David is also taking care of Karina while Karen gets her fame whoring on in Staten Island. Karen squeezes out some tears over the daughter she doesn’t even bother to speak to over the phone, but misses terribly. The whole point of the call isn’t Karina; it’s to let David know that she wants to start dating other people and to find out how he feels about that. He’s surprised but tells her to do what she has to do. She asks him to kiss her daughter for her, but doesn’t bother to ask to speak to her.

Drita is at Carla’s and they are talking about Carla’s boyfriend and how great he is with her kids. Drita is asking how much Joe knows about the blurred faced boyfriend, and Carla says that he knows how close they are and he might have a problem with it, but he claims to be ok with it. She says, that when Joe gets out, he will have his life and she will have hers. You know, the whole thing sounds reasonable, but I can’t help but think that there is a very specific reason that Carla’s boyfriend has a blurred out face.

Mah boyfriend cut himself shaving…Wha? He’s still cute and not in jail.

Drita is trying to figure out her situation with Lee, because she is extremely lonely and doesn’t know if things are going to get better when he gets out. She seems to be stuck between being loyal and wanting the single life that her friends have. I think she knows that Lee isn’t going to change and will most likely go back to jail once he gets out, but she really wants to be loyal to him and loves and misses him. So, she is driving herself crazy.

I need a loaf of bread so bad right now, you don’t even know. Or maybe I just gotta headache from driving myself crazy. GAWD, Lee is so lucky that I’m notta ho right now!

Karen and her cousin sit down and map out the timeline for her book. She talks some more about how upset she is with Drita over this whole Lee thing. She is really getting tedious with this shit.

Drita is getting her makeup done for her party. She is sad that Lee is spending yet another one of her birthdays in jail. But she decides to say fuck it and go out and get trashed. Which makes her a girl after my own heart. But, she decides to say “fuck it” and go out and get trashed. Which makes her a girl after my own heart. Except, I don’t brawl –  I might get hit, or spill my drink. I just can’t take those types of risks.

Speaking of drinks, they are pounding whipped cream vodka and champagne in the limo, so it’s no wonder Drita is trashed by the time they get to the party.

Whipped cream vodka? Whatevah! I just gotta suck on somthin. Damn you Lee! Why you gotta be in jail when you know um notta ho?!!!

This is what Renee looks like after her face healed. It doesn’t really look any different to me, but what do you think, Gasmii?

Look beneath the make-up bitches! I am looking younger and sexier than any drag queen you evah met! Can’t you tell?!

Drita is shaking it for all she is worth and drunk off her ass. She keeps on drinking and it looks like a grand old drunk time. Renee is having an outstanding time, and I am back to liking her again. So, then blurred face says that if he weren’t with Carla he would get with Renee. At least, that is what Renee tells us because we don’t actually hear it or how it was said.

This is where I feel like we are at a disadvantage. He could have totally been hitting on Drag Queen Renee. Or, he could have been joking around thinking that he was being charming to one of Carla’s friends. But, because we don’t hear it or see the scene play out, we are only left with the word of a drunken drag queen.

He had the nerve to say that he found me attractive? While he is dating my friend? He’s lucky Junyah’s not here.

The next thing Renee does is a total mistake.

I think everyone has had a friend who has a boyfriend or girlfriend that we just don’t like. We might think the person isn’t good enough for our friend, or that our friend could do better, or that the person our friend is dating is a total douche. The thing is, you don’t tell your friend any of those things while you are out with the both of them and everyone is drunk.

It never goes over well, and just leads to your friend resenting you. Which is pretty much what happened. So, now instead of it being about whether or not blurred face boyfriend was being inappropriate, it is about Carla being pissed at Renee.

Damn! Just as I was coming out of my coma, you come at me with this shit? Fuck you Drag Queen! I gotta man!

Meanwhile, Drita is in her own little drunk world. I kind of feel bad for her because, she can’t celebrate her birthday with her husband. She can’t meet up with some guy and just have a great time with him without it being disrespectful to her husband. All she can do is  get drunk. Which, they both chose this life, so why do I feel bad for her? Maybe it’s the fact that she matches her panties to her dress?

ISallright…Mah panties match mah dresss…No cootchie shots cuz Um Notta ho!

The next morning, Drita is so hung over that she can’t even pick up the phone. She has it on a pillow next to her head as she talks to Carla. She has no idea how she even got home. Carla had to help her into the house. She says something about the men who bring hot drunk girls home and wake up the next morning with a monkey in the bed beside them. I laughed for a long time at that one.  Anyway, she admits that she just can’t party like she did in the old days anymore.

Fuuucckk! I gotta push da button? No more drunk nights. Um too old for this shit.

Karen meets up with Carla at the gym because she wants to get in shape before she starts dating again. It is also a good time for her to try to feel Carla out to find out if the Lee/Drita thing will cause as much drama as she hopes. But before they can get to that, Karen says that the guy she dates has to have a nice “loaf of bread.” Carla supplies us with the appropriate visuals.

It’s kinda like a big monstah…ya know….its a big cawk! What?

So, Karen broaches the subject of Lee and Drita. Carla obviously feels like the rest of us, that it was a long time ago and does anyone else even think of Lee as Karen’s ex-boyfriend? I believe Drita when she later says that she never gave out age ranges for when Karen and Lee dated. I think Carla assumed it was when she was 15 or 16 because Drita said it was when they were younger. But this is just my impression.

It doesn’t matter though. Karen needs ammunition to fuel this drama, so Carla’s opinion has given her enough juice to talk to Renee about it.

But first, Drita gets a call from Lee. It’s the first time they have spoken since the fight. It seems like they are both trying to feel each other out. She misses him and they make up. She asks him about the mob bust. He wishes her a happy birthday and they end with I love you’s. Again, I know they all chose this life, but how much would it suck to have a husband in prison who hasn’t shared a birthday with you in Goddess knows how long?

Karen says she wants Renee’s opinion – but this is really just a chance for her to get some shit talking done and build herself up with righteous indignation about a relationship that she doesn’t even really care about. Well, two relationships that she doesn’t really care about. Because, I totally believe that Karen was only using Drita to get back in with the rest of the girls.

Look bitch, I got in yo face so that everyone would believe I was the realest bitch. I need you on my side for this shit because Drita just might kick my ass if I don’t play it right.

Karen seems to think that the problem stems from Drita having been her friend. I could buy that if, Karen hadn’t moved to Arizona and cut all ties with her friends. So, if you do believe in the code of not dating your friends’ exes, what is the etiquette when that friend has left the state and cut all ties with you? Are they still actually your friend? Like I said this whole thing is totally manufactured to get Karen more face time in front of the camera. But, let’s watch it play out anyway.

I think it’s interesting that Renee uses the Italian phrase for “2 faced” in relation to Drita, when Karen is the one that has been pretending to be Drita’s friend this entire time.

Yeah! I got two faces. So what? I’m still the realest bitch. I sold drugs bitches! You can’t get more real than that! Ask my parole officer if you don’t believe me!

And, let’s be clear here, Karen is totally being two-faced. She is straight up talking shit and has been talking shit about Drita since she got back to Staten Island. Drita has no idea that Karen is the least bit upset with her. Drita thinks that Karen is “the most real and fun” person she knows.

The most real and most fun person that Drita Knows.

Here’s a clue, if someone has to tell you that they are not a phony, it usually means that they are, in fact, a phony.

Don’t forget my real face bitches! Yeah! Just because I can pretend to be the smart one doesn’t mean shit! I’m Gangsta BITCHES!

Drita takes a call from Lee and tells him that Karen is writing a book about her life. Lee’s response is fucking priceless:

Then, Drita tells him that he might be in the book –  he TOTALLY doesn’t want to be in her book. He really is a recluse, isn’t he? Because no one can find a single photo of this guy online and that has to be some type of miracle, considering we managed to get Karen’s mug shot with a simple Google search.

Anyway, he goes on about the fact that he went out with Karen 20 years ago and it was no big deal. He makes his stance on the whole situation completely clear.

Here is my thing Gasmii; whether or not you think that Karen sucks or Drita sucks for taking Karen’s sloppy seconds, Drita has been a real friend to Karen.

Look at how irritated she gets with Lee on the phone and how she is trying so hard to say, “it’s not about you, it’s about Karen’s life.”

When it comes down to it, Drita is the one I would want on my side. As much as I have an on again off again relationship with Drag Queen Renee, Drita is the only one of those bitches who truly believes in friendship and loyalty. Renee is a sensitive drag queen who must be treated with kid gloves and everything, but if you don’t do things the way she expect them to be done, she will be done with you until you come begging for forgiveness – or at least apologize for something that you aren’t quite sure you should apologize for.

So, that is the real reason I hate Karen. She used Drita to get back into everyone’s life all the while knowing she was going to play this “betrayal” card. Then, once she got back into everyone’s life, she set about trying her best to turn Renee and Carla against Drita. Thank goodness, Carla was off her meds that week and Renee had said something bad about blurred face boyfriend.

Finally, Karen gets up the nerve to go to Drita with her complaint. It’s so weird to watch this. Drita is happy to see her, asking about whether she misses her daughter and talks about how difficult that must be. She is asking about Karen’s ex-boyfriend. Drita is doing all of the things that a friend who has no issue with you would do. And, Karen is, of course, lapping it up because it’s all about her. After that she finally manages to use the boyfriend discussion to segue into the Drita/Lee issue.

Drita says that she isn’t minimizing anything or trying to make herself feel better, it’s just that Karen and Lee’s relationship was such a long time ago. And she’s right. They’ve both moved on and have even created totally new human beings without each other since then. Hell, Lee has probably been in the joint longer than Karen and Lee were ever together at this point.

Drita goes on to say that Lee and Karen were “so done” when she came into the picture. And going by Karen’s reaction she knows that’s true, but still pushes ahead to say that it doesn’t matter if it was the end of their relationship, it still wasn’t cool on Drita’s part to say that they dated when she was 16. Drita immediately says that she never went into age ranges. And Karen, voice-overs that Drita is making excuses, which sounds like her trying to spin this so that she doesn’t sound like the ridiculous instigating bitch that she is.

She pushes Drita to admit that she did something wrong. Drita is adamant that it isn’t going to happen. Which is not the response Karen was expecting. Or, maybe it was. The look on her face is a cross between bitchy and calculating:

Fuck! She didn’t back down with the cameras on her. How can I play this shit to my advantage? I may need to get the drag queen in on this one.

This is when Drita admits that she didn’t even know that Karen had hard feelings about this. And why would she? Karen told the audience. Karen told Renee. Karen hinted with Carla (which makes since because unless it’s about exercise, her blurred face boyfriend or a “loaf of bread” Carla is definitely not interested). But, Karen has been hanging out with Drita, enjoying her hospitality, wrangling an invite to Carla’s party, while degrading her behind her back in restaurant parking lots, and not once has she said a thing about it to Drita until now.

Anyway, Drita says that Lee doesn’t want Karen talking about him or putting his name in her book. This is the first mention Drita has made to Karen about Lee and the book, but Karen is saying, “I don’t know why she keeps bringing up the book.”

Karen is totally trying to divert attention from the fact that she didn’t get any admission of guilt or apology for the camera. In her interview she says it’s not about the book it’s about how Drita “violated” her. But, in the scene she is all, “you can’t tell me what I can talk about in my book.” Karen starts talking “gangsta” how if she wanted to do something about Lee (she actually calls him a mother fucker and possibly some other stuff – the people who bleep shows must have logged some serious overtime on this one) she would have a long time ago. Basically she is shit-talking the guy, to his wife, in their house, where their children live.

I suspect Karen was waiting for Drita to get dramatic, but Drita starts laughing saying that it’s ok because Lee can’t stand her either.

That was definitely not the response Karen was expecting.

Really? After I took the time to put on that big ass show, you aren’t going to apologize or at least admit you did something wrong? Shit! I gotta come up with something else.

Drita starts telling Karen some of the things that Lee has said and there is so much bleeping that the only words I catch are “dildo” and “crack head.” Karen says that he needs to shut the fuck up and that gets Drita’s dander up.

For real? You still want to talk shit? In my house? Where my children sleep and play? After I said that there is no love lost?!

When Karen goes on to say that Lee is a fucking scumbag (which, is true, but you don’t say that to his current wife and mother of his only children, unless you are looking to spark some drama). Drita gets this calm look on her face, but the veins in her neck and forehead start to get more and more prominent.

Don’t make me angry Karen…

Karen goes on to call him a piece of shit. Drita interviews how disrespectful it is of Karen to be in her house railing about the father of her children.

Somehow, Drita is still talking calmly but the veins in her neck are about to burst through like something out of Alien and devour Karen’s face.

Seriously? You really wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

Drita, wins a little more of my love when she says in her interview, “Wow, this girl really really trusts me, not to fucking snap right now.” Of course my love would be undying if she actually punched Karen in the mouth, or threw a toaster at her, or just told her to get the fuck out of her house.

Alas, VH1 disappoints me again, Gasmii.

Instead, Drita says that she gets that Karen doesn’t like Lee and Karen can do whatever the fuck she wants. But, she is going to watch her daughter’s father’s back (what is it with referring to him that way? Really, why not just say my husband? Is this a mob thing?).

She says that if Karen gets book bashing Aleeya’s father that’s going to be a fucking problem and the veins, Gasmi, the veins are so far out of her neck and forehead that they have become their own organisms.

Really? What would you think if my veins jumped out and started devouring your ass? Because I could totally make that happen. Or, I could just throw your ass across the length of my kitchen.

Karen backs down and goes back to saying she just wants to address issues between them. She isn’t there to bash Lee. Drita, says that the two of them never had a problem, which goes right back to this whole problem being something Karen created for excess drama. I say that because Karen never addresses why she thinks it is a real issue between the two of them. She only reiterates “Drita stole my boyfriend.” Which considering the timeline she gave for that compared to the interviews she gave about whether or not she was in witness protection, are more than a little suspect.

Anyway, it’s left at a standoff. Hopefully things will pick up where they left off so that we can see how the argument actually ended.

Next week: Renee and Carla get into it about Carla’s blurred-faced boyfriend and it looks like a hair pulling free-for-all between all of the women. Which, I hope there is more than that because if these bitches resort to pulling hair, they will lose all of their “tough bitch” credibility with me.

Don’t you dare pull off my wig! Do you know how much this shit cost?

So, what did you guys think? I pretty much hate Karen, so I have a hard time seeing her side in this.

I mean if she had come out with it at the beginning, I would believe that she was actually upset. But, since she used Drita before ever once approaching the subject with her, I totally think that it was the drama card she has been waiting to play.

As for the alliances, who do you side with? Do you think Renee is right in criticizing blurred-face? Or do you think we are missing some really important info before making the decision? Or, do you think that Carla is the type who will always put her boyfriend before anyone else in her life?

As always, I can’t wait to hear what you guys think