Mob Wives: Drita SMASH!

So, we pick up with the drama that Karen instigated with Renee at Carla’s party. And right away, she has managed to make our poor old drag queen the odd man (woman?) out. She talks some more shit to Drita and Carla.

Drita wants to resolve the shit because, otherwise, how can they get on with filming the show?  Renee isn’t having it and after finishing her smoke she goes inside, says she’s gonna be the bigger person and head out.  Drita wants them to resolve it and is not happy when Renee says it isn’t Drita’s place to resolve it.

Suddenly, my favorite brawler bitch starts to hulk out.

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

The fight that the previews have been hawking for weeks is now in full effect; only Drita doesn’t make all of us happy by choking out a drag queen in front of the bar. No, that was a stupid VH1 fake out. Instead they get in each other’s faces yelling and Carla puts her hand around Renee’s throat to make some space between Drita and Renee. And that was that. That was the whole fight.

Anyway, Karen has a shit eating grin on her face the whole time because she got Drita to fight her fight for her, you know, by proxy, because it was actually Carla putting her hands on Renee. She has done exactly what she set out to do, make sure there was a divide between Drita and Renee so that she can weasel her way in.

Drita and Carla hit the gym even though they are hungover from the night before and we get a couple of tips from Drita on how to break a bitch’s cheekbone – apparently, you have to swing in from the side. She talks about how she will black out when she is angry and it is all DRITA SMASH!

DRITA SMASH!

Even though Carla, is still being wishy-washy about her part in the set up, she must be feeling guilty, so she decides to call Renee to make sure they are all still cool. Meanwhile, Renee is giving her son, AJ, a play by play of the night before complete with inappropriate loudness and f-bombs.

AJ is totally over his mother’s drag queen drama and wants her to simply calm down and get over it. The funny thing about all of this is that Renee did hear what Karen had to say. The stuff about “Sammy the Bull” being cool when he was murdering and not being cool when he was cooperating stuck with her. Carla calls while Renee is talking to AJ, and bribes Renee with the promise of food – which always works for me too. Seriously, the best friendships are those that allow you to show your ass and then fix everything with food, right?

I have to say that I am really distracted by how much Carla looks like Stacy London. So, I don’t hear much of her and Renee’s conversation because of that.

Long lost sisters?

So, Drita and her kids are getting ready for dinner, and her oldest daughter, Aleeya wants to wait for her dad to call so she can do her homework with him over the phone. We learn that Drita was 23 and pregnant when she married Lee. He came out of the joint when Aleeya was 5 but was back in 2 years later.

I like the way they segued from that fight between the women to the stuff the women have to deal with when it comes to their criminal husbands. My only problem is that I didn’t sign on to this for anything other than bitches brawling and being ridiculous so I’m kind of irritated.

But, Flipit promised me a bag of Cheetos for this recap, so I carry on.

Damn you Flipit for discovering my one true weakness.

We hit up Renee’s man drama now (not her life as a man drama, the drama she has with her man). Awww. She was a pretty young man back in the day. She probably didn’t have to work nearly as hard to come across as female.

Anyway, Renee married Junior when he was fresh out of the penal system (insert your own penal/drag queen joke here) because he convinced her that she wouldn’t do any better because of who her father is. Junior is coming over to help Renee lay down the law about AJ’s grades.

This kid will get a car as long as he doesn’t get lower than an 80% in any of his classes on his next report card. My ass was riding the bus (school and then city) until I could afford to buy a car for myself. And, it’s bullshit because you know Junior will buy that kid a car anyway just to show he is a big man. He has to show he has the biggest balls in the parental relationship when his wife is a drag queen – that’s just how it goes.

We check in with Karen and her shit stirring ways. Karen gives us this nugget of truth: “People don’t realize there is a downside to being in the Mafia.” Is she touched in the head? If movies, TV, and the news have taught us anything, it’s that there is a downside to be in the Mafia. Just because we watch this shit doesn’t mean we are as stupid as she is. Go back to Arizona and raise your fuckin kid bitch!

Sorry Gasmii. She makes me irrationally angry. I just keep hoping that I will get to witness Drita flinging her ass across a room this season.

Memories. Sweet Sweet Memories.

Anyway, Carla gets a call from her husband. Again, her resemblance to Stacy London distracts me so much that I can only figure out that he is back in prison because he is stupid. Or, he likes being in prison. No, he said something about putting together all the cards and pictures he has gotten from his family over the years to remind him not to do anything stupid. But, if he needs pictures to remind him not to be stupid, I’m pretty sure he is stupid.

Apparently, stupid is contagious, because Carla still hasn’t told her kids that their father is in prison – but she is telling a nation of strangers and her neighbors.  Also, this is the second husband to place an order for food like he is hosting a party. Do they have dorm fridges in their cells? Are tomatoes traded more regularly than cigarettes in prison? What is the deal with that?

Really quick, Drita tells us that she was completely disowned when she married Lee (her father told her not to even visit his grave when he dies – which damn, that’s hard core). She talks about how in the movies, the wives always know what the mob husband is up to but those were dinner conversations in her household. Not sure I believe that, but I still like her and am rooting for her so I’ll let it slide.

Report card time. Guess who got much lower than an 80 in gym?  You know, I was a good grades earner all through school (we got a couple of bucks a piece for A’s in my family – but we didn’t get cars, so that was a total rip off), so I am tempted to be high and mighty about the grades that AJ is bringing, only I feel for the kid.

Here he is with a drag queen mother that has no sense of appropriate conversation in front of a TV camera; an ex-con father who shows up when he feels like it; TV cameras in his face recording how he is doing with all of that; and the regular high school bullshit that one has to deal with even when they aren’t connected to one of the biggest crime families in America. Something would have to give, and I guess for him, grades are it.

But, the way he is talking to his mother right now?

No sir!

That shit does not fly.

I don’t care if your mother is drag queen that has been giving personal shows  every night during Fleet Week, you do not talk to her that way! Hell, my mother would have taken off her shoe and beaten me with it long before she sent me to my room. This is why you keep a fly swatter or wooden spoon within easy reach at all times. A few smacks with that and the kid will know his place (seriously, Renee call me. We can talk eye makeup strategies, and my favorite drag queen in the world has a ton of fashion tips he has been waiting to share with you, plus you may be a tough Staten Island bitch, but my mother is a black woman from Alabama, she can school you correctly).

The trifecta of discipline. Portable while getting the point across and not leaving any marks.

Judging by the look on Renee’s face? AJ is lucky there is a camera rolling, because I am willing to bet that she wouldn’t have a problem picking up a spatula and beating him across the head and ears with it. It’s called parenting people!

So, we now know that Lee is in a prison 6 hours away from Drita and her kids. She takes a call from him and wants to know when he is coming home because Aleeya really misses him but doesn’t like to see him in jail. Plus, it’s a pain in the ass for Drita to get her there.
The thing that is weird about this first call for me, is how does Drita not know how long Lee’s sentence is? Is she not in touch with his lawyers? Did she not go to his sentencing? What’s the deal?

What’s worse is that Lee gets pissy with her when she tries to pin him down. She manages to find out that he is up for parole this month (or he could have just be telling her that to get her to stop questioning him), but he dithers about how long he actually has left to serve. So, instead of going out and buying him food, she goes out drinking with Carla.

You don’t get a care package. I am drinking your care package douche bag!

Carla and Drita have this cute conversation with the bartender. And, it makes me think that bartenders really must hear pretty much everything. They pose a “hypothetical” what if your husband got sent away while you were pregnant, would you wait? The bartender says she would but when they say, but then they ask what if he goes back in a second time. The Bartender is so cute here, because she has a total “are you fucking kidding me?” look on her face as she says his ass would be kicked to the curb.

Carla and Renee talk about how much easier it is for the guys doing time. And it really is if you base it on care packages alone. They don’t have to worry about day-to-day jobs, taking care of kids, paying bills, or even getting the oil changed in the car.

Renee continues our theme of doing time, even though her husband is on the outside. She is taking AJ to meet his dad at the gym so they can spar. Renee wants to discuss AJ’s latest report card and AJ wants to bond with his dad. Junior is a no show.

There are a couple of interesting things about this scene. 1) Renee immediately steps in to spar with him – so she is used to playing the dad (again, insert your own Renee is a man joke here because I kind of feel bad about doing it considering the circumstances). 2) AJ is completely unfazed by it.

So, we are starting to wind down and I want to put in a couple of thoughts.

This show isn’t what I was expecting. I totally thought it would be drunk bitches with mob connections fighting, cursing and flinging hoes across rooms. I wasn’t expecting it to make the mob lifestyle seem appealing, because I never thought the Mob lifestyle was appealing.

But, I wasn’t expecting to care. At least, I wasn’t expecting to care beyond a “I like this bitch, I hate that bitch, I LOVE THAT BITCH,” kind of way. You know what I mean? And now I am wanting to give a drag queen parenting tips, I got my drag queen consultant on the line to help her out with the best ways to dress her body, and I’m willing to give a douche bag kid a pass on his bad grades. BECAUSE I CARE!

So, now we get to the real drama of the episode and it is a two parter.

First up, Renee goes to see her shrink/nun/priest/lawyer/life coach (because you need all of those things when you take on that lifestyle). She is so angry that she wants to kill her ex-husband for standing up their son.

I want to kill the bastard! But, that should in no way be taken as a threat against his life.

This next moment is either hilarious or really sad.

She and her therapist go through the disclaimer that Renee doesn’t really want to literally harm her ex-husband. I guess because it’s on camera, she has an affiliation with violent criminals, and she probably could physically take Junior, they had to cover all of the bases. But, at the same time, therapy is about the catharsis and not having to apologize for the things you say when you are highly emotional.

I think that was the first TRUE insight into what it would be like to be a part of that life.  I’m not gonna lie, I laughed the first time I saw that scene, because – it’s freaking therapy! Who doesn’t say stuff like that in front of their shrink?

But, then I remembered that these aren’t your standard drunk hos and bitches; these hos and bitches have real deal connections and are probably still wire tapped, or at the very least, are showing their shit on camera for my entertainment. So, yeah, it was a weird moment for me.

Renee gets all sad and crying with snot coming out of her face about how she doesn’t think she has ever mattered in this life that they live. And, its disturbing because, damn. As my favorite drag queen in the world (I will be introducing you to her shortly Gasmii, she simply wasn’t ready for her close-up just yet) would say, “damn bitch fix your eye make-up and wipe off the snot. Bodily fluids is not a good look for anyone.”

Drita is still pissed off because she doesn’t know when Lee is getting out. So, she says fuck it to getting him a care package together. She gets sexified and heads out to meet Karen (whom I hate) at da club.

Drita wants to get drunk and talk about the bullshit that Lee is putting her through. And of course, Karen is being her stealth bitch self by pretending to feel where Drita is coming from. But, in the confessionals she is all “keep it moving.” “I dated him first.” “Must suck to have a scum bag for a baby’s daddy.”

OK. Even if I didn’t love Drita, I still think Karen is out of line with this shit. First of all, I hate it when people use slang wrong. A Baby’s Daddy refers to the connection that a man and woman have when they have a child together and are not and have not ever been married. Otherwise, he is the husband, or ex-husband. Second of all, if you think he is such a scumbag, why are you still making a big deal of the fact that she married him years ago when supposedly, you have both moved on? Stupid bitch. I’d call her the C-word, but Lee uses it so much in the next scene that the shock value is already gone. Thirdly, and this the thing that will bother me for the run of the series if they don’t bring it up during, Karen has no place on her “crime is bad” high horse (thanks for the leads @sarcasatire). She has done some shit herself (HINT: I am sure Karen was simply ECSTACTIC about getting the chance to dump her daughter in Arizona while filming a reality show).

The improper use of  Baby Mama/Baby Daddy bugs me more than even the worst grammar and spelling mistakes. For me, using those terms correctly is a sign of proper respect.  And, Karen just added one more reason to the pile of reasons I truly hate her.

As fucked up as this show is, I don’t think I will ever be able to stop watching it. They keep drawing me in with the promise of trashy hos and drag queens being bitchy, but then they get me thinking about stuff. It’s crazier than Gary Busey at a lingerie sale!

Drita gets a call from Lee while she is cleaning. And, good lord. I assume she hasn’t gone hulk on his ass because the guards don’t want to deal with a dead prisoner, or 6 hours is too long of a drive to sustain your hatred. Either way, that shit was ridiculous. Here are some images to help you see what I mean:

And Karen is still carrying on about this guy?

So, what do you think Gasmii? Do you think that I am getting way to soft on these bitches two episodes in? My favorite drag queen in the world certainly does. Should I be harder on the only true queen on the shoe? Should I call Karen out on her trifling stealth bitch ways more than I am?