Mob Wives Finale: Whoop That Trick!

Ah Gasmii. Remember back when this season first started and we had no idea how trashy or entertaining this show would turn out to be? Now after a mere 10 episodes, I am stalking these bitches on Twitter trying to find out as much as I can because I am absolutely hooked. If you missed, check out the photo that Renee posted of her leg after the fight:

Pretty crazy right? But, what’s even better is Renee’s Twitter reaction to the finale.

Aww, It’s like she’s been reading my recaps! I think I’m going to miss her most of all.

Well, let’s get to the finale.

Karen calls her baby daddy to bitch about the fact that Drita has not gotten back to her with a review of the first chapter of her book. In her interview, she lies and says that the book was the reason she came to Staten Island in the first place. But, we all know it was the fame whoring that really brought her there. She says now that she has finished a chapter, she has accomplished what she set out to do. Which, is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Bitch, you finished one chapter! How have you accomplished anything other than fame whore and start drama?

Well I guess this could have been considered an accomplishment at some point.

She also lies and says that she tried to reassure Drita that she wouldn’t bash Lee in her book and gave her a chapter to read. That is a total fabrication. What she actually did was be all mysterious and give Drita a chapter of the book without saying one way or the other whether or not Lee would be in it. The last time Drita and Karen talked about “da book” Karen said she didn’t give a fuck what Lee or Drita thought, that she would write what she wanted. I told you Karen only presented that chapter to Drita the way she did to start drama.

What part of “I’m a lying bitch” don’t you get? I’m here to stir up drama bitches!

Now she has to decide whether fame whoring a second season means that she should uproot her daughter’s life by moving Karina to Staten Island. She also hasn’t had any luck getting her “big loaf of bread” since getting back to Staten Island, so she wants to keep David dangling in case nothing better comes along. Which works for her because if she can convince him to move, then she will have free childcare and still be able to fame whore to her heart’s content. And, as we learn later, she also has no qualms about cheating on whoever she happens to be with at the time anyway. So it’s a win/win situation for her. She gives David hope by telling him she loves him and they hang up.

Renee goes to see her shrink. She says that she is happy because she has removed Junior completely from her life. She is going to kick the drama cold turkey. How long do you think that will last, Gasmii? Anyway, she says that she feels empowered by the fact that she has made this big change in her life. She says that it feels really good “not to be in the middle of drama.” Those words are so coming back to bite her in the ass. She basically says that she, like her gender reassignment surgery, is a work in progress.

Gender reassignment takes time.

Carla calls Joe. The kids slept over with Joe for the first time over the weekend. They have this kind of flirtatious conversation but Carla stays noncommittal. It’s one of those things that could lead to potential drama or could be a total nonstarter. Plus, it’s Carla, so I’m not really invested enough to care.

Drita has her friend Nicole over. Drita is stressed out because she hasn’t talked to Karen since she got the chapter of the book.

OK, you guys know that I am all about Team Drita, right? But, I do have to say that I’m not understanding the difficulty here. I get that she doesn’t trust Karen. She has no reason to trust Karen. But, it seems like Drita should put on her big girl panties and tell Karen that she is uncomfortable reading the chapter because she doesn’t want to know what Karen has to say about Lee. That would then prompt Karen to actually do what she has been lying to everyone about. Namely, tell Drita that the book is not about Lee, that she won’t be bashing Lee and that there is nothing to worry about. But, then Karen would have stirred all of that shit for no pay off on the drama.

I just realized that I totally should never write for a reality show. I would be way too tempted to tell these bitches to just be straight with each other if they really want to avoid the drama. And, what fun would that be to watch?

Plus, how would I earn my Cheetos?

Drita goes on to say that she also doesn’t trust Karen because her timelines are never right. Karen said that Drita got together with Lee within a year of them breaking up and that she and Drita were these great friends and that Drita should have told her about Lee. Drita says that she got together with Lee 2 years after he and Karen broke up and that she and Karen weren’t even talking to each other at the time. Which I totally believe. Karen even admits it a couple of times through out the season. Only she brushes it off as “Drita making excuses.”

Drita also makes the point that Karen fucked Drita’s boyfriend while Karen was with Lee. That means that Karen’s crap about Drita’s betrayal is all bullshit. I still think Drita should suck it up and either read the chapter or tell Karen why she is uncomfortable reading the chapter. But, you can’t deny that she has some very valid points about Karen and her bullshit.

Bitch face number 39

Karen meets up with our favorite drag queen Renee and tells her that she gave Drita a copy of the first chapter. Renee smells drama and eggs Karen on about why she would give Drita the chapter. And why Drita isn’t talking to Karen. Karen then starts talking shit. She lies and says that Lee threatened to bash her skull in if she mentioned him in the book. Which, we all saw that shit and it didn’t happen. Renee is drooling over the drama that is about to go down.

Honestly, I don’t look for drama. It finds me!

Now it’s time for the really tense stuff. Drita calls Carla and asks her to meet her for a drink. She is so quiet and sad that you just know it’s going to be bad news. Then, they play that sad music as she is heading over to the bar. You can see Drita trying to hold it together and she tells this story.

She went to a hair salon with Aleeya. One of the girls in the back tells Drita that Aleeya can watch TV. Drita wants to know how the girl knows Aleeya’s name. The girl tells a story that she used to date a friend of Lee’s. Drita calls the owner of the salon. She asks the owner if the girl had dated a guy a couple of years ago. Drita finds out that Lee was dating the girl at the salon and had introduced him to his kids. I assume both kids because the woman knew Aleeya who wouldn’t have been a baby, but Giselle would have been an infant and the woman said that he had a little baby with him.

Even my husband who does not watch these shows and makes fun of me because of how caught up I got in this particular show, paused on his way to the kitchen and said “OH SNAP!” Then, he said, “that guy is lucky he is in jail right now because she looks like she would cut a bitch.” Then, Drita says something about how God must have been looking out for Lee because he was safe from her in jail. Then my husband shuffled away in shame because he got caught up for a minute.

The next scene is Drita talking to a divorce attorney. She explains the situation that Lee has been in jail for most of their marriage. That in the 2 years that he was out, he cheated on her. Now he is back in jail. The lawyer has this look of shock – like “is this bitch for real?”

Lee is such a freaking scum bag. It’s not a surprise to me, but DAMN! That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of. The lawyer recommends irretrievable breakdown. Drita translates that as, “you don’t fuck with a bitch that’s scorned.” Atta girl!

Watch out Lee, she’s coming for you.

Carla meets up with her friend outside her house to tell her that Joe is looking for a place to live and he is threatening to move back in with her. Carla does not want that. She knows that he could be with the kids more, but she wants her privacy. She also doesn’t want the kids to have him come in, get attached, and then move out again. I can’t fault her reasoning, even though I really don’t care.

Drita calls to get all the girls together. She wants to clear the air because she has so many issues with Lee and she doesn’t need Karen stirring up anything else. I think Drita has rehearsed how she wants to proceed. And probably plans to tell the girls what happened, but never got that far.

Renee’s reaction to the call is so priceless. She asks if she should where heels or sneakers. Renee is rubbing her hands together in anticipation of the drama that is about go down. She says that for once, it won’t be drama that she is involved in. Little does she know, right Gasmii?

Someone is going to regret being so gleeful about the drama that is about to go down.

I should say that even though I love when bitches beat each other down for my entertainment, I don’t actually condone violence. With that said, what goes down is freaking EPIC! My only real problem with it was that it didn’t go on long enough. They left us completely hanging.

Join me Gasmii for the best part of this entire episode:

Drita has planned to let everyone know what the real deal is between her and Karen. Here is my theory. Drita found out about Lee cheating on her and even introducing their kids to his skank. So, now she has that on top of all of the crap that Karen has been talking when she says that Drita betrayed her with Lee. So, now Drita probably feels like after she was the first person to welcome Karen back, the first person to defend her to Renee, and the first person to get her integrated into everyone’s lives again; Karen is making Drita out to be no better than the skank at the salon. It’s probably not conscious on Drita’s part. Because let’s face it, as much as I love me some Drita, she’s no Mensa candidate.

Anyway, the women arrive and sit down. Drita looks terrible by the way. She looks as stressed out as she must feel with all of the crap that has been happening. But, she is calm. She compliments all of them. She wants everyone to be on the same page. So she starts to talk.

Renee is glad she has front row seats for this conversation – for now.

Drita says that the way Karen has been talking in a way that makes it seem like she was scheming. Drita wants to be clear on whether or not they were speaking or even friends when she hooked up with Lee. The thing is that Karen knows she has been caught exaggerating and even outright lying, but she is refusing to back down; instead she keeps changing the issue around.

Karen, when called on the fact that it was actually 2 years, says that it has nothing to do with the situation. Now, Karen is saying that they weren’t broken up, she was just cheating on Lee. She says that she cheated on Lee a ton of times. Her story is already confused and now she is changing the time line again.

Don’t you just love the way bitch-faced Karen tries to insinuate that Drita is concerned with the timeline because she was cheating with Lee while he and Karen were together? God I hate that bitch!

Yes. I am a horrible human being.

All she did all season long was bitch behind Drita’s back about how Drita married her ex-boyfriend. And then, she kept changing the reason why she was upset. First it was that they were friends, then it was that Drita wasn’t the one to tell her, then it was that Lee had been with Karen for 7 years and Drita was brushing that off as unimportant. Karen never really had a dog in this race. It was all for drama and her possibly trying to get Drita to apologize for something she didn’t do wrong. And when Drita did apologize – not for any of the reasons that Karen kept giving out, but for hurting Karen? Karen decides the issue is finished. Even though she has said some truly heinous shit about Drita to their mutual friends and a freaking television film crew!

So, now it’s Drita’s turn. Drita says that if their issue was about being friends and not going after each other’s guys, then Drita would have never been friends with Karen in the first place. Because Karen fucked Drita’s boyfriend while Karen was with Lee! The look on Renee’s face is priceless. You can tell that she got much more drama than she bargained for. But, wait, Renee. There’s more.

Karen puts on patented bitch face number 85 as she considers her options. She decides to lie. She says that she never fucked Drita’s boyfriend. She only made out with him. Drita calls her on it because the boyfriend in question told her about it. Now, Karen is pissed because all of her shit-stirring and mistruths and outright lies have just been laid bare. So, she does what every “gangsta” does when confronted with the truth. She calls Drita a rat. Dem’s Fighting Words!

Bitch Face Number 85 Kind of looks like this but with less of a smirk.

Actually, I think Karen could have been spared this ass beating if she had stayed her ass in her seat and not jumped up like she was some tough as bitch. Drita jumps up grabs something off the table and throws it down to try to stem some of her rage. At the same time, Renee grabs Karen to make her sit back down because she knows that if Karen doesn’t back down it will be a blood bath. But, it’s too late. Next thing you know Drita is flying through the air and lands on top of Karen and Renee. Renee gets a real front row seat to the drama since she is now sandwiched in between Karen and Drita with her legs flying and SPANX flashing all of the Vh1 viewing audience.

From what I can see, Drita has Karen by the hair and is trying to either bang her head against the ground, or pull her up by the hair from underneath Renee. It looks like a combination of both. Meanwhile poor Renee is flailing and screaming all the while hoping she doesn’t come untucked and that the Spanks continue to hide her twig and berries from the world.

Then there is security and Drita’s vice-like grip is being pried from Karen. Karen is trying to spin it so that Drita isn’t fighting fair and pulling hair. And when they finally pull them apart, Karen looks like she has been in a freaking war! It was GLORIOUS! Karen can’t do anything but scream at Drita to bring it and trying to push against security. Renee is complaining about the fact that she is bleeding.

And then, they end it. They tease us with the promise of footage that happened after the women got kicked out of the restaurant, but we have to tune in to the reunion for that.

So, let’s do that and talk at the same time. Or, Tweet at the same time.

I will be hosting a Live Tweet of the Mob Wives Reunion on Sunday, July 10th. I’ll be logged in to the TVGasm Twitter account and ready to dish, bitch,  and answer your questions. To participate, just make sure you have an active Twitter account and that you tweet to @TVGasm. Also, use the #MobWivesReunion. You can also hash tag any of the names of the Mob Wives.

See you guys there!