Mob Wives Recap: Crumb Wars

You know Gasmii, recapping is fun, but there are parts of this show that I would rather pretend didn’t exist. Parts like having to sit through CousinSuckUp. Unfortunately, until the producers come to their senses and realize that we just don’t care about her, we are stuck with her. I mean at least Karen for all of her delusion is fun to laugh at. CousinSuckUp is just plain uninteresting. But, those Cheetos don’t earn themselves so, once more into the fray.

We start the episode with CousinSuckUp driving and talking about her and her boyfriend’s arrest the night before. She tells us something about being shaken, but I think that’s enough attention being paid to her for one paragraph so, let’s move on. Unfortunately, moving on equals CousinSuckUp arriving at Karen’s apartment and bending her ear about it. Does anyone really care? I did think it was funny that our resident Wangster, Karen, thinks that CousinSuckUp’s boyfriend is a good guy who loves CousinSuckUp’s kids, so she should really consider whether or not she wants to dump him. Of course, we find out later that he was busted by the DEA for drug trafficking so that may be why Karen is counseling her to stand by her man.

Drug dealers need love too.

On to something fun! Carla and Drita meet Big Ang(!) at her bar. I am just so happy to hear that drawling voice from Big Ang, that for a minute all of the boringness that is CousinSuckUp has been washed away.

Just try to resist my awesomeness, I dare you.

Big Ang and Drita talk about the past and how a 17 year old Drita would be beating bitches down in the bar and Big Ang would just close the doors and the bouncers would take people to the emergency room. No cops. You know, a lot of people give Drita crap for constantly talking about brawling in her younger days. But, I think it’s more a matter of the producers wanting to equate Drita with a particular character trait – that she is tough now because she had to be tough then (she did grow up in the projects and having spent a brief stint there during my own childhood, I can tell you, those bitches don’t play – they are much worse than the boys of the same age). Of course, I LOVE Drita so she will get a pass from me on that one.

Anyway, while they are having that conversation and generally just having a good time (notice how everyone seems to have a good time when Karen isn’t around?). Big Ang gets a text that her son AJ (yes, another AJ) got into a car accident. She is talking on the phone and after finding out whether or not he is ok, her first question is whether or not he’s high. The simple fact that the person on the phone can’t tell, means that he is.

Now, you guys know exactly how I feel about child rearing and discipline:

Seriously, don’t leave home with out it!

But, apparently, these women don’t believe in being firm with their sons – is it a lifestyle thing or a Staten Island thing? Anyway, Big Ang laments about what she’s going to do about AJ.

So, now we move on to Renee. Is it me or does she look skinnier in each episode? Is it the surgery settling into place? Maybe, the stress of all of the fighting and trying to settle into life with Junior while feeling that something isn’t right there? I don’t know.

She meets up with Karen (sigh), and Renee talks about how she ironed out her differences with Carla. Karen immediately tries to make Renee angry at Carla again. Bringing up how big it was about the hospital thing. When, that doesn’t work, Karen decides that if Renee isn’t going to have it out with Carla, then SHE will stir up some drama so that it is once again all about Karen. Pay close attention to that conversation if you get the chance to watch it again.

Notice how quickly it turns from how Renee mended fences, to Karen having issues with Carla, to Karen trashing Drita. Because, she does it so quickly, that you might not even realize that this conversation was supposed to be about Renee having made up with Carla and how their talk went – not about Drita and whether or not Karen wants Drita to lick her lady parts. Even Renee finds her language shocking:

Karen is somehow pissed off that Carla is still Drita’s friend. But more importantly, Karen is pissed off because, in her mind, Drita made her look like a joke last season.

What Karen doesn’t realize is that I was the one who pointed out just how much of a joke Karen was last season, and I did that based solely on Karen’s behavior. You’re welcome Gasmii!
Now, Karen’s Boobs are telling us that she needs to, “Address Carla wit dees issues.” I am actually convinced that it is Karen’s boobs that get her into trouble this year. They seem to have taken a life of their own and are speaking for her. And, considering how awful Karen was last year, they must figure that they can do a better job than she can.

Junior is moving his surveilance equipment into Renee’s house. Renee acknowledges that she is sucker when it comes to him (sigh). She also admits that she is bossy, and she is going to try to scale it back. Junior places microphones all around the house disguised as furniture, and poor Renee gives him a hug and a kiss to welcome him home – again (sigh).

This is going to end in tears.

Shit! We are back to CousinSuckUp and Karen. CousinSuckUp brings the paper outlining the drug bust. This scene shows just how uninteresting this chick is: Supposedly, this was all over the internet and in the newspapers and on television – and with all of the publicity for this show during their hiatus – no one cared! Did you guys read obsessively about this story during the hiatus when we were desperate for any news or gossip about the Mob Wives? I know I didn’t.

Drita meets up with Carla for drinks and they are joined by Derek Tobacco. Drita wants him to confirm that Karen is the kind of punk bitch that would hit Drita while she was being held by Derek (answer: yes. Yes, she is exactly that type of punk bitch). It doesn’t matter though because we only really saw Karen swinging wildly while she and Drita were being separated. I am much more inclined to believe that it was as Drita originally thought and she got elbowed by one of the many people who were trying to break up the fight. Because they show a flashback. We see Karen swing – not a fist, but more of an open hand in a windmill action. So, if she connected, it was purely accidental and most likely it was on top of Drita’s hair. And even then, it was definitely while Drita was being held.

Sorry, Gasmii I played that clip over and over and could not seem to get a shot of just the moment when Karen’s hand is freed from the people holding her, but it is definitely while they are both being held back and Derek had Drita’s arms locked tight. So, maybe Karen did get a windmill smack in, but it definitely wasn’t a fist and it  didn’t look like it connected with Drita’s eye – it was more on the top than on the side. So, Karen can stop smelling her own farts over that one.

Now, I have read on the interwebs that people are thinking that during the rooftop brawl, Drita hit Karen while Karen was being held down. That just isn’t true. Renee did pull Karen back to a sitting position when Drita dropped the candle, but Renee wasn’t holding Karen during the fight. She was too busy trying to hide her spanx. Drita was holding Karen down and hitting her, and I even thought she was slamming her head against the ground. In any case, Renee wasn’t holding Karen down or back. In fact, Drita was holding down both Karen and Renee while still beating Karen’s ass.

Drita sums it up perfectly about how CousinSuckUp should just mind her own business because no one gives a fuck about her opinion (preach it sister) and if she is Karen’s biggest cheerleader then she has issues anyway. I agree with every word she said and I have nothing further to add.

Renee is telling Junior that he needs to take control of AJ because he broke the doorframe when he kicked her bedroom door open. Apparently, she told him to be home on time or clean his room or something and he got pissed and kicked her door and broke a lamp  while using the type of language he used to chide Renee for using in the first season.

Renee wants Junior to do something about it before AJ turns in to a criminal. Junior believes that it has something to do with AJ’s girlfriend.

Is anyone in the audience buying that? Really? Look at his parents. Look at the way Renee treats AJ as her confidante and the man of the house when Junior is away. Look at the way Renee keeps letting Junior play merry-go-round with both of their lives. Look at the way Renee has let herself be used over and over again by Junior. Look at the way the both Renee and Junior have just decided to play happy family until Junior goes back to jail. Now, do you REALLY think that this has anything to do with AJ’s girlfriend (sigh)?

Anyway, Junior says that a girl brings out the most anger in a guy. I laugh for a minute because Renee says that she isn’t going to let AJ date a girl that makes him angry. Psst, Renee? Have you looked at the anger in YOUR OWN household? AJ had to talk his dad down from beating up a conversion van at your birthday party! You lose your shit over crumbs!

Anyway, Renee says that as the (on again) man of the house, it is Junior’s responsibility to take care of this, and teach AJ how to be a man (sigh).

And now it’s time for Big Ang(!) And her AJ. I’m just going to assume he’s stoned for this conversation based on previous information. She gives him a bit of grief about totalling his car. Then, she is immediately the doting mama. I don’t know. I find this type of behavior in parents to be appalling, but with her, it’s endearing. Maybe, I need a few swats from any one of the trifecta of discipline for loving her so hard, but I will gladly take my lumps.

The other AJ.

They talk about each other’s love lives. And, Big Ang talks about how her new guy just came home from doing a 28 year stint for murder. They both agree that this doesn’t make him a bad guy and then with all of the giddiness of a teenager, she announces that he is buying her a puppy and wants to know when they can be exclusive.

There are so many things that can be said about this conversation. But, all I can really think is Big Ang gets so much more play than Karen and I LOVE IT! Also, the giddy way she says puppy:

She asks AJ what he’s doing about a job and he doesn’t have any prospects lined up. She’s worried about all of the trouble he has been getting into and warns him about the streets and how that ends in jail. She talks about her uncles and how she doesn’t want him to follow in those footsteps – the same woman who doesn’t think that murder makes a person a bad guy! How can you not love her! She tells him he should open a nice little restaurant and he will have women flocking all over him.

As twisted as this whole thing is, it’s also very cute. Big Ang totally sells the whole thing. It’s like how you watch Goodfellas and you know you are watching horrible people, but they are just so damned lovable that you forget about that part and just get swept up in the story. THIS is what I first expected Mob Wives to be about. Not that bullshit that Karen keeps trying pull for the sake of the cameras (that she can’t stop looking directly at).

There’s a bit about Carla and the jewelry appraiser going to check out a fashion show for Carla’s fashion line – Comatose by Carla, but since none of the other women are in the scene and it’s just Carla, I can’t be assed to care.

So, Renee has Karen, CousinSuckUp, and their kids over for dinner.

OK, Gasmii remember how Renee was having drag queen drama meltdowns all over the place last year? Well, they are back full throttle in this scene, and I have to say, I didn’t realize how much I missed them until this played out. I really missed analyzing her drag queen mind, and since the reassignment surgery, this is really the first chance I have had to do so.

Let me walk you through it. So, Renee has been drinking wine pretty much all day – which is usually a factor in the very best drag queen meltdowns. She starts to tell the women about her day. She asked AJ to clean up before he went to work and AJ cussed and screamed and broke things and said that he hopes that Renee and Junior don’t work it out (sigh). Renee goes on to say that things with her and Junior are great, except for the crumbs that he leaves around.

CousinSuckUp engages Renee in such a way that she is pretending that she is trying to talk her down, but in actuality she is winding her up. She says at least it’s just crumbs that you can sweep up and not crumby girls.

Renee says no, there’s a girl – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RENEE? Apparently, Junior is back to texting girls (big honking SIGH) – Neither Karen or CousinSuckUp say anything to address that though, they are still engaging her about crumbs.

Renee is still fairly calm due to the wine. She is listing all of the things that she won’t be doing for Junior while he’s in jail – like that’s a big motivating factor for a man who has proven that he will always cheat on the doormat who keeps taking him back.

But, CousinSuckUp isn’t finished. She tells Renee that she has to see where it’s going to go before she makes the decision to get out (this from the woman with four kids who was deeply involved with a drug trafficker).

This sets Renee off on the fact that he left the TV on and he leaves crumbs all over the place – at this point Drita would have said something about waiting for the right moment to take him out like a raccoon and the scene would have probably lightened up a bit.

But, CousinSuckUp makes it go to a dark place by shrieking it’s crumbs, not condoms so big fucking deal.

2 things: First they are shrieking like this about condoms and fucking while young children are so close by that we can hear them in the background. Second, that was totally the wrong thing to say, because Renee can’t do anything about the cheating. She has already moved him back in – this time with furniture and microphone taps – so she can’t just jump out of it again.

You may think I’m just making that up, but trust me, I see exactly how Renee’s drag queen mind is spinning right now.

So, she FREAKS about the crumbs. Because the crumbs have become the symbol of all of the extra bullshit that Junior is bringing into her life – and because she is no longer in therapy, she can’t see that.
Renee is freaking out about rules and says fuck a little too loud and Karena (yep that was her – I missed her when the kids first came in) laughs. Karen, instead of moving the conversation away from her 11 year old daughter and CousinSuckUp’s even younger brood, just tells Karena to be quiet with a threatening look in her eye while a pointing finger. WTF?

The meltdown has only just begun. Renee decides to put the fear of wire hangers in these kids since she can’t discipline AJ. She threateningly tells the kids that she needs them to be quiet for fucking 5 minutes – and it is at this point that I realize these bitches are truly a different breed of woman and mother; but, not in a good way.

OK, here is my favorite part of this entire meltdown. Let me set it up for you by giving you a reminder of last year’s hair pulling spaghetti dinner. Remember when Renee went to check the oven and Carla called her a bitch while they were discussing blurred face boyfriend?

I am starting to suspect that there is something about opening that oven door that puts Renee in full on drag queen explosion mode. Because CousinSuckUp says something about comparing crumbs to being on her death bed as Renee is checking on the delicious looking food she has in there. (This is completely off topic, but I would LOVE IT if Renee and Big Ang collaborated on a cookbook together. That shit would totally fly off the shelves and Karen’s head would spin at how quickly it became a best seller.)

Renee starts screaming about how she hates crumbs and every word is bleeped and she is beating the countertop with the oven mitt and CousinSuckUp continues to engage and then she suddenly says something about having maids and not having that problem.

Then, Renee wins my love all over again by uttering the words I have been longing to hear since we first met CousinSuckUp, “You know what? You’re fired bitch.”

Unfortunately, Renee was drunkenly joking, so I guess we have to deal with CousinSuckUp for the rest of the season – but damn did my heart soar when I heard those words. Just for a moment, I imagined a Mob Wives without CousinSuckUp and it was GLORIOUS. Anyway, now the meltdown has finally turned into joking around. Renee is making fun of CousinSuckUp and even gets down on her hands and knees and starts shaking her ass.
Then, CousinSuckUp says something about OCD – but no one really cares. Karen’s boobs say something about dinner at Renee’s being an experience. Renee is still yelling fuck that fuck this and how she aint that bitch.

CousinSuckUp wins even more loathing when she says “speaking of bitches, what happened with Carla?”

OK. First of all, it has already been established that CousinSuckUp doesn’t even know Carla. All of the shit she has been spewing about Carla has to do with her dingleberry status to Karen’s assholishness. But, Renee laughs it off and says that she has made up with Carla and she wants all of the girls to get along. Check out the look on these bitches faces when she says that:

But, what will we do for a story line?

They both know that they have no storyline if there is no feud. And CousinSuckUp is counting on being a major part of the show. Plus, Karen needs CousinSuckUp to make her seem more tolerable by comparison (psst, Karen? It’s not working).

But, Karen’s boobs tell us that even though Renee has made nice, she has a plan to stir up some shit. She is going to go through with her plan to “address Carla about their issues.”

It’s all so stupid. Karen’s only issue is that Carla refuses to not be friends with Drita. That’s it. Nothing else. But, she is going to ride this storyline like it’s wearing a saddle because she has a book to sell and fame to whore, in case you didn’t know.

Renee says that she hopes that they can all get passed their ugly feelings as Karen (once again) looks directly at the camera.
Karen, stop looking to the side at the camera. Renee is right in front of you.

But, the priceless look on CousinSuckUp’s face when Renee utters those words really says it all:

What do you mean you want me to stop feuding with someone I don’t even know? How am I going to make a play for next season if I do that?

Drita and Carla workout. They decide that they are cool with Renee, but they don’t have to be cool with everyone Renee likes. Carla is still pissed that some bitch she doesn’t even know is talking shit about her and just wants nothing to do with her (which makes perfect sense, but does nothing to add to the drama).

Drita gets in a great line about haters being about crickets. They chirp all day and then you walk by and they shut the fuck up. Then, she wins this entire episode when she says that Karen has been talking about how the two of them will square up. And she says, “Square up what Karen with your fucking alligator arms.”

And I laugh. I rewind it and play it again and I laugh even louder.

I can’t even decide if it’s the words or the accompanying gesture that makes it so fucking hilarious – but that shit was totally made up of WIN!

I LOVE DRITA!

Drita says the one thing that pissed her off about the entire balcony/birthday party fiasco was that Karen didn’t tell CousinSuckUp that the conversation was between her and Drita. She goes on to say – and I do agree with this, that Karen wouldn’t have confronted Drita if CousinSuckUp wasn’t there. But, I think it’s for a different reason.

Drita thinks that Karen wouldn’t have said anything because she needed back up.

I think that if CousinSuckUp hadn’t been filling Karen’s head with farts and bravado (@ Gypsy, it’s Fart Week at the Gasm; The Discovery Channel has Shark Week, we have Fart Week), Karen would have probably said something along the lines of this really isn’t the best time, we should talk later and enjoy the party – of course it would have been filled with vulgarity and posturing, but it wouldn’t have turned into a full on confrontation, just her refusal to make up right then – because she would no longer have the upper hand.

I think it was the way CousinSuckUp spent most of the night boosting Karen’s ego that made Karen brave enough to think that she could bitch Drita out when it was obvious that Drita was trying to make up with her and that Drita would just take it in order to make up. Probably, because she coerced an unnecessary apology out of Drita last season regarding Lee.

Anyway, Drita and Carla decide that if Renee loves and wants to hangout with CousinSuckUp she should, but it doesn’t mean they should also have to be friends with her.

Ugh. Back to Karen. Karen calls Carla to set up a meeting. What’s funny is that Karen’s voice is shaking while she is trying to set this up, but she is giving the camera these “I’m a badass bitch” looks. And, she keeps repeating the phrase, “to be honest,” which is a really big tell of an accomplished liar.
What’s interesting is that Carla is genuinely surprised that Karen has issues with her (as she should be). But, she agrees to the sit down – mainly because she wants to find out what’s going on and get the problem solved. She is hoping that Karen will speak like a human – fat chance.

Speaking of fat, I hate fat jokes, but come ON? I cannot be the only one who has noticed Karen’s extra girth. She practically waddles up to the restaurant to meet up with Carla.

So, they sit down and Carla asks what’s up. Karen starts by bringing up the situation with Drita at the rooftop. She then says that she hated Carla’s fucking guts all summer. Carla looks at her as though she knows the individual words that Karen is saying, but when strung together, they make no sense.

Karen goes on to say that even though Carla and Drita are friends, Drita is a fucking liar. Carla looks even more confused.

Carla gives it the old college try. When Karen says she felt like she was set up by Carla and Drita, Carla calmly says that Drita only came there to straighten out a situation that the two of them had been banging heads on. But, Karen jumps to saying that her “I’m coming for you,” threat extended to Carla too. Because she felt like Carla was laughing at her.

Carla explains that she was laughing out of not knowing what was going on. And now, Karen has jumped to the issue between Carla and Renee (which makes no sense because Carla and Renee have made up and it had nothing to do with Karen).

But, before Carla can even address that Karen jumps to stuff that CousinSuckUp (who doesn’t even know Carla) has been saying. Namely, that Carla has been saying that they are arch enemies and if they are arch enemies, and it’s war, then Karen is a soldier in CousinSuckUp’s camp – it’s really confusing.

I think Karen is deviating from the script she originally planned for this conversation because she hears how stupid it sounds as it’s coming out of her mouth and she has to find a way to make it sound deeper and tougher than it actually is so that she can really push the drama.

Can’t you just imagine Karen practicing how she was going to tell Carla off and either make her jump off Drita’s team or, at least be afraid of her? And when she sees that Carla is confused about the rooftop thing, and then realizes that Carla laughing had nothing to do with her (which she already knew because it was covered during the reunion), she throws in the stuff with Renee on the fly. The only problem is after she throws out the Renee thing, it occurs to her that Renee can’t be a part of this because Renee and Carla have already made their peace.

So, now she has to make it about something more important – like fake family, AKA CousinSuckUp. Carla’s face is going from confused to “this bitch is off her rocker.” But, and I do respect Carla for this, she realizes that Karen had this whole speech planned and needs to get it out without interruption or she will lose her place.

Karen says that she feels like Carla has “chose sides with Drita,” and understanding begins to dawn on Carla.

Now, I’m beginning to understand.

This isn’t about any issue between the two of them, this is about Karen being butt hurt over looking like a punk ass loser last season. But, she still patiently lets her finish. Karen finishes by saying, “I feel like, Fuck Carla.”

So, Carla calmly explains that “arch enemy” isn’t even a phrase that she uses. That she is hearing CousinSuckUp saying that she doesn’t like Carla and Carla doesn’t like her.  She says that what Karen is hearing is the same gossip that Carla is hearing. Karen, having realized that Carla isn’t the least bit intimidated takes the topic back to Drita claiming that Drita is telling people that she put Karen in the hospital.

Carla says that both she and Drita kept hearing that Karen went to the hospital because of her ribs and Karen jumps on that saying that she never went to the hospital – she wanted that stated on camera, whether it was true or not. Karen’s boobs tell us that she is trying to be cool with Carla, but that Carla keeps defending Drita’s lies (what the fuck is she talking about?).

Carla still thinking this is a regular conversation, says that she understands that Karen is angry with Drita, but she can’t agree with her, and Karen cuts her off. Karen, ready to pounce like a bully on the fat kid at the playground, asks if Carla is calling her a liar.

Carla tries to reason with her again. She says that she will always have Drita’s back just like Karen will always have Ramona’s back. She goes on to say that it’s not like she doesn’t like Karen, and she never wanted her and Drita to fight. Karen cuts her off by asking if that was true, why didn’t Carla break up the fight on the rooftop. And Carla says that she did try to break it up, but realized that it was too far gone – and the footage actually supports that.

Karen is spinning and spinning as fast as she can to turn this into an altercation and you can see her frustration at Carla not taking the bait. So, Karen goes off on this expletive loaded rant about Drita being a bleep and how she will fight her right now. This is the stuff that middle school bullies are made of. Carla is trying to reason with Karen and Karen is ranting about sucker punches and wishing Carla had seen how it was a different story at Renee’s party when she was on her feet and Carla interrupts to say that Drita told her that she was held when Karen hit her. Karen says she got held too. But she doesn’t mention it was Drita doing the holding. The editors are nice enough to give us a flashback of Drita holding down both Karen and Renee while she wails on Karen, though (thanks editors!).

Carla tries to get the conversation back to the two of them because she doesn’t understand why they are even talking about Drita. Karen ‘s boobs say that she is mad at Carla because she won’t get off of Drita’s side – of course Karen’s boobs use bleeped out words to say that. And her boobs are definitely the ones talking because the look on Karen’s face says that she has no idea what they are about to say next.

Don’t look at me, its my boobs that are making the rules here.

Back at the scene, Karen goes off on another disgusting expletive rant about Drita licking her lady parts in Macy’s (and you know, Karen has been very occupied with Drita and lady parts being licked throughout this episode – maybe she’s trying to tell us something?) and Carla is disgusted, but laughing at the ridiculousness of it. But, you know what happens when you laugh at a bully right? They get angry!

So, now Karen is all, I’m getting mad because you think I’m a fucking joke right now. And what the hell else is she supposed to think?

It’s not like Karen has given her or us any reason to think otherwise with this entire wangster display. Then, she says, “this is why I don’t like you,” and gives patented bitchface number 42 as she waits for the drama to really start.

Bitch Face Number 42: Creating a dramatic pause.

Karen’s boobs are now really agitated and explaining that Carla should know better because at this point Karen is ready to fuck her up.

Then, comes the line that we heard all over the preveiws about Carla going to war with her and not wanting to go to war with her. And Carla just says, “maybe you don’t want to go to war with me.” The funny thing, is that Carla is totally behaving like a rational adult and Karen is so set on making her stand she is not afraid to brawl, that she doesn’t even realize how much of a joke she looks like.

Karen heaves her massive self up from the table – the table actually shook from the effort, and leans over in Carla’s face.

Carla is pissed at this point. She says she didn’t come there to fight and Karen just keeps repeating, “I’m not a fucking joke. I’m not a fucking joke.” Aww, Karen. Wuz da bad peoplez mean to you on Twitter last year?

What I am seeing though is that while Carla is surprised by the way Karen is behaving, there isn’t any fear on her face. Look at her eyes. She isn’t the least bit afraid, but she does look shocked and fed up.
She says that she isn’t a joke either. She goes on to say, Karen brought her there to talk about them and she spent the whole night bashing Drita. Karen’s only response is that Carla is sitting there sticking up for Drita.

Carla decides to walk away. Karen, really afraid that she is losing ground with this whole thing, starts doing the “come here” thing that bullies do when they think the kid on the play ground is too afraid to ignore them (think about that first scene with Skut Farkus in A Christmas Story, and you will know exactly what I am talking about).

When Carla says no because it’s obvious that Karen has a major problem with Drita and that’s who she needs to take it up with. Karen says – well Drita needs to take it up with me. And, it makes no sense – Drita was the one who had been trying to reach out to Karen since the beginning. But, now she says that Drita should take their issues up with her?

I truly think Karen’s plan got turned around on her when she underestimated Carla’s ability to make her look like a fool by simply not following the script Karen had in her mind.

So, now Karen has followed Carla to the bar and is pointing her finger in Carla’s face saying that Carl is acting like Drita’s lawyer. Carla holds up her hand and says don’t put your finger in my face and that Karen should talk nice. Karen tells Carla not to put her hands on her (WTF?) and then makes her “O-face” while drawling out Carla’s name.

Seriously, you guys this was the funniest shit ever! I truly think that Karen thought this was going to redeem her but now we can make even more fun of her.

It’s like that scene from Heathers when they write “poor little Heather” on the chalk board and Heather runs out crying. Except it’s less mean because Karen is too delusional to realize we actually are making fun of her. Plus, there is no danger of Big Fun playing “Teenage Suicide – Don’t do it” at the prom.

Carla, again, tells her that she came there to talk calmly to her but all Karen wants to talk about is Drita. And then, Karen tells the biggest lie ever and it’s so big and outrageous that for a second, you can even see Carla wondering if she just imagined this entire evening. Karen says that CARLA kept bringing up Drita when all she wanted to do was talk about her and Carla. And Carla actually tries to replay what just happened to see if that was true and she didn’t realize it:

Wait…She brought up Drita on the rooftop. She brought up Drita and Renee’s party. Yes, I’m sure I didn’t imagine that.

There is something very familiar about the way Karen keeps saying that this is not about Drita. I think she has repackaged the “This isn’t about Lee, this is about you and me” storyline from last year. Only she looks even more ridiculous doing it over Drita than she did over Lee.

So, now Karen is telling Carla to call Drita right now and tell her to come there and they will work out their stuff, but this isn’t about that. This is about Karen and Carla how and she even told Carla she liked her and now Carla’s head is about to explode from the craziness she has just experienced.

I need drugs to follow this conversation.

Karen’s boobs tell us that after all of her bullshit she realized that she didn’t want to hurt Carla – and she is so smug about it that you just know that she thought she really had rehabbed her image with this bullshit.

All hail my boobs for redeeming my image!

Now, Karen’s delusion allows her to be the bigger person (in her mind) and admit that she is willing to look past the fact that Carla is Drita’s friend because she likes her? It took me a minute to realize what happened there. What I think happened was Karen realized that she wasn’t going to shake Carla no matter what, so it’s better to look like the tough bitch who is willing to forgive than the fool who has no way to back up her behavior when no one will engage her (too late).

Then, she gets needy and asks if Carla likes her. Carla decides she has had enough crazy for one night and after a decent pause says she does like Karen and she never had a problem with her. She says that if they want to move forward then they just don’t discuss Drita or CousinSuckUp. Then they do shots and I prepare to pass out from fatigue.

Karen’s boobs, say that she respects the fact that Carla is loyal. Then they forget for whom they are speaking  by qualifying that statement with “even though she’s loyal to a ho.”

Karen: Yay! I won! Carla: I need more alcohol.

You know, I don’t think that word means what Karen thinks it means. Because, there is a saying about people who live in glass whore houses and stones that would really apply here.

Next week, Carla tells Drita what happened. Then, Karen shit talks about either Carla or Renee or both, and CousinSuckUp joins in. Also,Renee hears some of the shit CousinSuckUp has been saying about her and Junior.

So, what did you guys think?

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

For Mob Wives related facebookery, like our Mob Wives page!