Mob Wives Recap – Fights and Facials

So Gasmii I’m back.  Writing another recap about a show I have never watched.  Some might call me a masochist.  Some would be right.

This one should be extremely fun though.  You know how, inexplicably, some people suddenly start talking with an accent when they are speaking to someone with an accent?  I do that.  Sort of. Whenever I watch boxing or a mob flick I become gangster.  Not rap gangster, put a horse head in your bed gangster.  It’s how I roll.  I am pretty sure that by the end of this episode I am going to whack someone and give them cement shoes. Yay!! Fasten your seat-belts and put your trays in an upright position because here we go bitches!

We begin with Renee talking to her ex-husband Junior how she is feeling doom and gloom today. Apparently she is annoyed that her “friends” are speaking ill of her ex.  Junior has a GIANT ass scar on his face that I would bet didn’t come from a kitten so, Sugar, I think Scarface can handle some catty shit.

Bitches don’t scares me

She reveals that she is upset over the fact that Junior is gonna do another bid after getting caught in a mob sweep and it’s going to be hard for her.  On the outside.  In luxury.  And on TV. He tries to cheer her up by telling her how fast 21 months goes.  But Madame Cheerful asks if he knows how slow 21 months is for those on the outside.  Because she loves him so much.   Renee says she is tired of the people she loves going to jail.  So marry an accountant lawyer priest  manager for Taco Bell next time. Man this lady has it rough. I and my beer feel awful for her.

I am so sad for me

Next I meet Drita.  Drita discusses the state of her relationship with her husband Lee with her daughter.  Drita decides that she needs to tell her daughter that she wants a divorce.  While filming is going on.  Holy fuck.  For real lady?? I know some crazy ass T and T bitches that wouldn’t even stoop that low.  Wow.  Hating her.  Her daughter then drops the bomb that Daddy has promised to take all of the family on a vacation when he gets out and she’d like to go to Hawaii.  Drita gets choked up by this revelation.  Not by the fact that her daughter is crushed but by the fact that her still husband wants to take the family on vacation.  This bitch is so cold that I could put my beer between her boobs and it would be perfectly chilled in seconds.

Vacationing with my family is heart-wrenching

Today a lady named Karen is hosting a spa party at Renee’s house. Karen wants to get all of the ladies together for a nice day with no drama. Women are involved though so there will be drama.  I’m a girl so I can testify.

I don’t need sex. I need spa time.

Next I meet a woman, named Big Ang, who makes me love her in 8.5 seconds.  In a 20 pack a day voice, she says today she wants to get a massage, a spray tan, and a buzz on.  Need to meet her in real life.  We could be besties.

Greatest reality star EVER

The ladies discuss the party and the lack of booze in the punch. Holla! All seems to be going well until Renee drops the bomb that she has also invited Drita.  She doesn’t want anybody to feel left out so she invited her. OK?  Judging by the faces on Karen and Ramona the answer is no. See? Drama.

No, yeah, that’s cool. I totally like her.

Renee reminds them that this is her house and she can invite who she wants to.  Big Ang says that while the other girls are all “discombobulated”, it doesn’t faze her at all.  But she says it in a way, that makes me believe lady has buried some people, so nothing would really faze her.  LOL. Karen is pissy that her party is ruined.  You know, the party at a house that isn’t hers.  Suck it the fuck up bitch. Dear Karen, You’re annoying. Love, PBD. While Karen is giving Renee a facial, Renee tells Karen that Carla told her she was worried about being ambushed at the party.  At that exact moment Carla calls Karen. Apparently she has been invited to go out with her ex and their kids. Renee, not wanting to start any drama,  is adamant that Karen ask Carla about the “ambush” comment. Renee keeps chirping in the background wanting Carla to admit what she said so that Renee doesn’t look bad.

100% drama free headband

Bitch is way too invested in this conversation. Reason #493 why I could never be a lesbian – bitches is crazy.  Carla admits that she did say that to Renee, but assures Karen that they will get together soon. Just not the night of the ambush.  Good thing Renee felt the need to stir up some shit. That call could have been dramaless and nobody wants that! Big Ang and I are over these felines.  She’s out – she doesn’t want to hang around for this drama bullshit.  Amen sistah.  Cawl up yuh drivah and come get me.  We can goes out somewheres nice. Ramona challenges Renee about Carla, and Karen wants Ramona to call Carla right away to address the situation.  Renee flips her shit – not at her house, oh no they won’t!

She is so right. This time.

For some reason a blonde lady with a bad perm is smack dab in the middle of Ramona and Renee’s claw fight. Why in the fuck do random scary blonde women show up in the middle of shows I recap? Anyone?

Whointhefuck’s older sister Whatinthefuck

 Renee is tired of all of the high school drama of “this is my girl”.  It’s causing separation in the ranks and she doesn’t like it.  She thinks that they should all be family. This bitch definitely has mob in her blood. Renee says that she can barely contain herself and not mention that she knows Ramona has been telling folks that Junior only married her because he wanted to be close to her father. Because she doesn’t want to start any drama. Can you spell hypocrate? I can. R-e-n-e-e. Karen is pissed that her party is ruined.  It’s OK Karen, I don’t think anyone wanted spray-tan anyway, it was about the booze and drama. So on the brightside, success.

Non-dramatic hissy fit

Complete side track.  Anyone else LOVING this sound track?  So good!!

After such a stressful spa party, Renee wants to be pampered.  She invites Drita over to do her make-up.  Renee talks about Junior. Drita believes she is sabotaging their relationship by always expecting the worst. Um duh. It’s what we girls do. Side track – I love Renee’s lime green flats.

I need to find out who makes them.  Anyone? Again Renee brings up the fact that Junior is going away and she “has to” stay out here. It’s really weighing on her. I am starting to wonder if she wants to go to jail with this dude just so she isn’t alone. Kinda Kim Kardashian narcissistic pathetic.  Gross.

Elsewhere, Ramona and Karen attempt to ride bicycles.  They talk about Carla and Drita.  Both think that Carla is nothing more than Drita’s lackey. They hate how much the other women talk about each other and cause drama. Silly little hypocrate See You En Tay’s. Karen decides that the only way to quash the drama is to confront it head on.  Oh honey.  Have you never met another girl? Drama on the front line.

I will either confront the drama or kill it.

Carla and Drita go to Big Ang’s bar for happy hour. Stop. Everything. Big Ang has a bar? I want to go to there. Now. I want to live under the stools and listen to Big Ang rasp wisdom all day. Thanks be to this show. I now have a life goal. I wonder if she would give up her dog and carry me around in her arms all day instead. It’s worth asking.

We look good together.

Big Ang says that Karen was disappointed that Carla didn’t attend the spa party because it was nice. I don’t think we got to see the nice party. Cutting room floor maybe? Big Ang does think that Carla made the right decision putting her children first because family is everything. Mob for reals. I can’t think of anything about this woman that I don’t like. Big Ang then says that Kah-ren and Ramona aruh actin very immature-uh. After hearing who all was in attendance at the party, Carla is beyond thrilled that she sent her regrets. Big Ang then tells Carla that she would have loved to hang out with “yuse.” FUCKING LOVE. Cerealy. This bitch is skippin Vegas this year and I am going to stalk BA at her bar. Road trip anyone?

LOVE yuse!

Drita is visiting with Renee.  AJ has been getting in trouble at school, because he is texting instead of paying attention. Um yeah. As the proud owner of a teen and a half I can tell you THEY ALL DO THAT. Quitcher stressin. Oh and Renee has stolen Junior’s phone.  Because some thing good always comes from stealing your mates phone. Also good? Lying to your mate that you have no idea where their phone is while copping to that shit on national TV. That’s some awesome covert shit right there.

Don’t tell ANYONE I have his phone

She hacks into it by entering the date of his mother’s death. Drita is freaking out that the pair is going to get caught. OK. These two are connected to the mob but in the last 2 minutes they have admitted to theft and trip balls about being caught. I would look at these two FIRST if I was looking for snitches. Just sayin. They hear a suspect message where a woman professes her love to Junior.  Renee calms a freaking out by telling Drita that it’s his cousin.  Junior walks in shocks the fuck outta these two. WTF camera men? You coundn’t have given a bitch a heads up? Shady.

WTF camera dudes!

Renee returns his phone telling him she “found in the couch.”  Drita is still trippin and can’t believe that Renee is so calm, cool and collected. It’s like she does this stuff all the time.  She so does.  Duh.

Carla gets a call from Lucifer Ramona asking for a one-on-one meeting. Now being that these chicks are connected my answer would be a resounding NO. You never go to a one-on-one. They generally turn out to be a one-on-gun. JUST SAY NO CARLA. Thankfully Carla is quick to tell her that she doesn’t want a screaming match because she’s not a screamer so she’s not interested.  Ramona says she probably is a screamer because she’s a mother and she probably screams at her children. Touche. I don’t believe Teen and Not Teen have heard a normal speaking voice in all their years. (I know it will come as a shock but I’m kind of loud). Ergo, argument accepted. The “ladies” come to the conclusion that they will meet and they will either makes peace or beats the crap out of one another. I. Am. In.

Hey gurl, it’s me Luci, ‘sup?

Drita lunches with some friend Bridget.  Bridget asks if it’s true. She has heard that Lee is contesting the divorce.  Drita is floored. She, apparently, was not apprised of this development.

 So the divorce is going off without a hitch. Wait. What?

Drita hates that Staten Island is such a cesspool for gossip.  Drita tells Bridget that she cannot forgive his infidelity.  She says that she will straight flip out– there was even some talk about blowing up cars–if he won’t sign the divorce papers.  Seriously. Do these women even know that they are on camera? THIS SHIT CAN BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW. Fuck. Me.

Seriously. Blow. His. Shit. Up.

Carla and Renee meet up and chat about the ominous Ramona phone call.  The minute Carla mentions that Renee wants to meet up alone Renee freaks and wants to come along. Carla says thanks, but no thanks.  Dammit bitch. Take a fucking witness!! But Carla doesn’t need any additional people participating in the drama. Jeebus. Witness. You need a witness!! Renee is concerned because Carla doesn’t seem to be afraid of Ramona.  And, according to Renee, she should be… Ramona bites.

No witnesses? Whadda ya mean no witnesses?

At the “meeting”, Ramona and Carla dine together in an empty (WARNING BELLS) restaurant. Ramona thanks Carla for meeting her. In a scary assed Godfather way. Jeebus.

 It’s nice to see you here. For the moment, I will not eat your face.

Ramona has heard from two boroughs (is that a lot?) that Carla called her an “arch enemy.”  Ramona makes it a point to tell Carla that Carla isn’t important enough in her life to care what Carla thinks of her.  Wait. What?  Then whyinthefuck are you two meeting. OH yeah. So you can kill her. Sorry. Carry on. Ramona lets Carla know that if she wanted to be her enemy, she would make Carla’s life a living hell. So that means she’s being nice, you know?

Sooo this is nice?

To give Carla credit though, I must admit she is going balls out with Ramona and showing now fear. Go Carla!

You can’t smell my fear bitch!

Ramona accuses Carla of having her brain molded by Drita. For real. Brain molded. I am using that in a sentence everyday for the next year. But don’t tell Ramona. She would cut a bitch. They fight some more about “what Drita said.” Carla reminds Ramona that she’s her own person, and Ramona then tells her that she won’t fight. She will take it to a whole ‘nother level. CAMERAS! Just an FYI Ramona, they record everything you say and do. And while I won’t rat you out THEY WILL! JEEBUS BITCH!  Out of no where Ramona tells Carla that she respects her for standing up for herself. Note to self – dance with the devil. It gains her respect. Suddenly, amidst vieled threats they decide to be friends.  This should be good.

Until next time Gasmii,

PearlBlackDragon

PS – I LOVE Big Ang.