Mob Wives Recap: Party Foul

So, as I sat down to write this recap, I started trying to put all of the chaos of this episode (and it’s only the 2^nd episode!) into some type of coherent narrative. Between the edits, the bleeping, the blurred out faces and CousinSuckUp’s bleeding face and blurred out nipples, it’s just a mashup of incoherence. But, those Cheetos don’t earn themselves, so let’s get to it.

Let’s start up with Big Ang(elo) telling a smirking Karen that Drita would really like to talk to her. CousinSuckUp is kind of anxious about that because she knows that Big Ang(elo) wants to broker peace and she can’t have that. If she did her four kids would have to rely on her to act like a responsible adult rather than Karen’s dingleberry grasping for whatever fame she can pull from Karen’s ass.

Karen, doesn’t want to actually make up because she abandoned her daughter to do this show and she needs a drama-filled storyline. So, she decides to “talk” to Drita. We should note here that what Karen actually wants is to get her side of the rooftop brawl on camera. I guess she assumes that if she says it, we will believe it. Because, she is such a trustworthy source.

CousinSuckUp follows Karen to the balcony, even though it’s obvious that none of this has anything to do with her. Look at the body language and demeanor both women are exhibiting when they start talking to each other. Drita is obviously wanting to make up with Karen over the rooftop fight. Karen is obviously still talking about Lee and wanting to put her side out there. They are working at cross-purposes and the conversation starts to degenerate as Karen starts spewing shit about hospitals and gossip all over town.

Drita looks completely confused and I believe her when she says she never told anyone she put Karen in the hospital. Then, there is some confusion over whether or not they were friends. Drita says that when Karen first came back she was happy to have her back in her life and thought that they were friends and she considered Karen a friend and never said that they weren’t.

We get a flashback to the rooftop when Drita says that they weren’t friends at the time she got together with Lee. And, let’s face it. They weren’t. Karen wasn’t friends with any of them at that time because she had cut all ties and left Staten Island to sell drugs with skin heads. That is the important part of the conversation that is left out. But, it’s convenient for Karen because she can now use her interview to manipulate this into Drita changing her story now that Karen is right there in front of her.

Karen sucks so much you guys!

Big Ang(elo) is thinking that this is going to get worked out so long as the two of them are left alone to talk it through – which CousinSuckUp is totally not having. She knows that Karen won’t drop her only chance at a storyline and is rooting for it to go even further. So she, again, refuses to go back inside and let the two of them talk. Big Ang(elo) goes back to stand by Renee – I LOVE drag queen loyalty.

So, now the conversation between Drita and Karen is being intercut with one-on-one interviews. Karen says something about how it took everything she had not to just go to Drita’s house and it sounds threatening. So, in an interview Drita says that if she had come to her house she would have been hit with a wrench across her throat. Karen is getting more and more irate and incoherent and it finally dawns on Drita that Karen doesn’t want to make up with her.

So, she asks “what the fuck is going on?” and that is when CousinSuckUp jumps into the fray. So, while Karen is still yelling about whatever the fuck it is she has to say, CousinSuckUp starts complaining about Drita talking about her 2 years ago. Drita is pissed because none of this is CousinSuckUp’s business. Plus, she is feeling really set up and threatened because the two of them are now in her face.

Drita swings. I can’t be sure, it looks like she is actually swinging at CousinSuckUp, and I can’t say I blame her. CousinSuckUp is pulling Drita’s hair while security pulls Karen away and keeps her separated from all of it. Suddenly, there is more security and Derek Tobacco (is that his real name or is it a nickname like Tony Two Times?) is doing his best to hold Drita back and trying to get CousinSuckUp to let go of Drita’s hair.

He wrestles Drita away and CousinSuckUp is bleeding and screeching about Derek hitting her and some of the bystanders are saying that Derek hit her and Karen is now screaming about wanting Derek back out there. And, Derek’s only focus is on getting Drita to calm down. Renee is PISSED! She sashays over like she is on a cat walk and starts yelling about these bitches ruining her night.

I kind of feel bad for Renee here.

I get that she wouldn’t have invited both Drita and Karen if she didn’t want there to be some drama at the party – if only for the sake of the show. But, I don’t think she expected it to blow up the way it did. Which, is a little surprising considering what Sunday dinner at her house is like.

Anyway, back to the confusion of the fight. Renee is focused on getting Drita out of there. Probably because she knew that Drita didn’t want to be there and Drita is screaming about having been set up. And, yes, I am biased because I am Team Drita all the way. But, I also feel for her here. Because she was ambushed. Karen and CousinSuckUp both knew that the only reason Drita wanted to talk to Karen at the party was to squash the problem between the two of them. For Drita, that problem was the rooftop fight in which she lost control of her temper. Karen wanted to prove that she wasn’t a punk after getting her ass handed to her during that fight so she had some shit to stir and a friend in the form of a dingleberry to help hold her spoon.

So, Renee has gotten Drita into the van and is swearing on her son’s life that she would never set anyone up that way. She even goes so far as to say that Drita has a free shot to punch her in the face if she truly believes that Drita would do that to her. She manages to calm Drita down and goes back to the chaos of her party. She is pissed! She takes Karen to task for ruining her party and Karen can’t even apologize to her her, she is still going on and on about Drita, and Renee, sensibly, doesn’t want to hear it. Because the party was supposed to be about her and her drag queen friends – not Karen and CousinSuckUp’s bullshit drama with Drita.

Now suddenly, Karen is throwing plates and Junior is trying to calm her down while she and CousinSuckUp are still screaming about Derek bloodying CousinSuckUp’s face. They have managed to get the men involved and Renee knows that this was a misunderstanding because Derek wouldn’t hit anyone. She is also worried about Junior getting involved in any of this because he is out on bail and can have it revoked. Derek comes back to the party – I think he still wants to calm things down and doesn’t even realize that CousinSuckUp and Karen are still blaming him for the bloodied face. CousinSuckUp is trying to go after him and treating us to a view of her right nipple. Finally, a PA has the presence of mind to pull her dress up for her.

Renee starts kicking everyone out and trying to get Junior to just take her home. Then, she’s running through the parking lot, barefoot, screaming at him that she just wants to go home. Then, poor AJ gets involved in trying to get his dad to calm down. And Junior punches the van that Derek is in (I can’t tell if it’s the same van that Drita was in because the editing was so choppy). And, really, that is all I got when it comes to the fight.

Watching middle aged parents brawl at a birthday party may be entertaining, but, recapping said brawl is just plain confusing and headache inducing. I literally sat on my couch with my mouth open, unable to process what was happening or even eat a single Cheeto.

When the only rational person in a ballroom full of grown ass folks is the kid who hasn’t graduated high school yet, it may be time to reevaluate certain life choices.

But, if I am going to be honest, I have to say that when it comes to entertainment, these bitches really know how to deliver. Seriously, that fight and the ensuing spill over took up almost 25 minutes of a 1 hour episode.

So, it’s the next day. Carla is now thankful that she wasn’t at the party, but she is nosy enough to want to know what happened.

We are treated to Big Ang(elo) rehashing the party to another friend. You guys, I don’t want to seem fickle, but damn! Big Ang(elo) is fast becoming my new favorite drag queen on this show. Not that I will ever quit Renee, but come on Big Ang(elo) is freaking FABULOUS!

She is so appalled at what happened last night. She explains how she was trying to broker peace and it totally backfired. Meanwhile, Carla is leaving Drita a message because she wants to know what happened at the party and everyone in the neighborhood is talking about it. We cut back to Big Ang(elo) talking about how Drita had a black eye and Karen was throwing plates – and the horrified tone of her voice when she said that is only bested by her friend saying “what are we animals?”

Big Ang(elo) goes on to say that they never even got to sing happy birthday or have a piece of the cake. And that, Gasmii, is why I am now and forever proclaiming my Big Ang(elo) love. Because she realizes that the real tragedy of this entire situation is that no one got to try the cake. Which totally makes her a bitch after my own heart.

So, now we are at Renee’s house. AJ is using his phone to advertise for a brand new family on Craig’s List while Junior and Renee rehash the fight.

That scene is intercut with CousinSuckUp blaming Drita for the whole thing while Karen prays that the audience will buy their version of events.

She starts out with a huge lie about how she never wanted it to go down like that at Renee’s party. We know that’s a lie because if she truly wanted to be respectful of Renee, she would have told Drita that she was still too angry to talk about it just then and they should just enjoy the party. Or, she would have answered any of the texts Drita sent her requesting a sit down to say that she wasn’t ready to discuss it.

Then, Karen’s BitchFace has the nerve to then insult our intelligence by saying she blackened Drita’s eye. Dude, Karen didn’t even punch anyone. She was too busy pushing and screaming at the guys holding her back. She has got to be the most delusional bitch I have ever witnessed on a television show and I watch every reality show featuring the word Wives (except for Baseball Wives – that shit is even more boring than Basketball Wives)! Seriously, she is actually talking about how Drita got her ass kicked and got what she deserved.

And, even if we hadn’t seen it all go down ourselves, there would be still be two ways to tell that they are lying and spinning delusion: 1. Listen to how fast they are talking. They are working as fast as they can to get their version of what happened on camera. And 2. It’s Karen and CousinSuckUp doing the talking.

Look, I know that I have not been subtle about my dislike of Karen. Nor, have I kept my love of Drita a secret. But, even if I didn’t feel that way, when I look back over last season and these past two episodes, I can see that Drita has a good heart. I can see her trying to change and be a better person. Obviously, that isn’t going to happen overnight, but at least she is putting in the effort. Karen, on the other hand, is still posturing to the camera as though she is some tough gang moll. She even went so far as to bring in her own suck up to help blow up her already overly inflated ego.

If she just once showed a true persona to the camera I might be willing to – you know what? I won’t insult you by going down that road. I could never see anything but Karen’s BitchFaces all over the screen. Anyway, they are relishing the fact that they made a circus out of Renee’s party and patting themselves on the back for it.

We cut back to Renee explaining that poor Derek got accused of hitting CousinSuckUp and it’s ridiculous because he’s too much of a pussy to hit anyone – male or female. Junior says that everyone said Derek did it and it must have been because of the angle. He also says that he apologized to Derek later.

No word on if he apologized to the innocent conversion van that felt the full brunt of his wrath.

Carla meets up with Drita at her house. Drita doesn’t look too bad. I guess when you fight as much as she does, you invest in a good concealer. It’s only at certain angles that you can see her eye is bloodshot and she has a small welt underneath it.

Drita says this was her fault because she shouldn’t have gone to the party. She wanted to be there for Renee, but then FatalAttraction and Lucifer showed up. I like CousinSuckUp better as a nickname. Lucifer is too badass (althought FatalAttraction may actually suit Karen because she does seem to have some jealousy issues when it comes to Drita). Drita says that she thinks Karen’s BitchFace pushes her buttons on purpose just to aggravate the fuck out of her. I think Karen’s BitchFace pushes Drita’s buttons on purpose just so that she can have a drama-filled storyline for the show.

Think about last season. Karen came back and had beef with Renee. When that got squashed, she had nothing else but her thing with Lee and Drita – so Drita became her next storyline. And, until she starts some shit with Carla, Drita is all she and her CousinSuckUp have to stay relevant with the hopes that it will help her sell her book.

All of this makes me want to yell, “won’t someone think of the children!” Poor Karina has to face her friends at school with all of them knowing that her mother abandoned her in order to show her ass on television. Poor AJ is counting the days until he is out of the house. Who knows what CousinSuckUp’s 4 kids are having to deal with. And, even though I love Drita, her poor daughter has to deal with having a mother who can’t control her temper enough to avoid beating bitches up on television.

Anyway, Drita explains that Karen said she didn’t like Drita saying that Drita put Karen in the hospital, and that Carla was one of the people saying that. Carla says she never told anyone Karen was even in the hospital. Like I said, you only have to hear the words coming out of Karen’s BitchFace to know that she is lying about something.

Anyway, Drita says that if Karen didn’t want anyone to know that she was in the hospital, she shouldn’t go to the emergency room where everyone they know works. So, it was like I thought. This wasn’t something Drita was telling people. Karen, apparently went to the emergency room after the fight, people she knew from the hospital started talking and put two and two together, and word got out.

Another reason I know Karen was lying is that these two episodes were the first I heard that Karen even went to the hospital after the rooftop fight. And you just know that shit would have been brought up at the reunion if it were being spread by Drita all over town. Karen would have called Drita out right then and there – if only provoke an incident to make herself look tough. Karen meanwhile made up a lie that Carla was one of the people spreading the rumor. What most likely happened was after the reunion, the people who saw Karen in the emergency room put the date together with the time of the rooftop rumble.

Now, Carla is not my favorite person. I really didn’t like the way she refused to believe her friend of 25 years over her boyfriend of the moment. And, I do think she is boring. And her parenting leave SO MUCH to be desired. But, we have no reason to believe that Carla is lying and every reason to believe that Karen is.

Carla calls this one as CousinSuckUp instigating, and Drita says she will just carry a wrench next time so she doesn’t have to get her hands dirty. I laugh, because, I love a bitch who will cop to using weapons. What? Even though I find it appalling, I would never lie and say I’m not entertained by it. It’s called having layers, people.

They go on to talk about the fact that it was 2 on one and that if it had been Karen alone and Drita and Carla approached her in a similar way, Karen would be the first person screaming that she was jumped by the two of them. Drita is done trying to make amends with Karen and I say hallelujah. If Drita refuses to engage, Karen won’t have anything else to make her relevant unless she picks a fight with Carla or Renee.

Speaking of BitchFace, she and CousinSuckUp are in Little Italy. You know Gasmii, I don’t generally make a lot of jokes about people’s weight. Mainly, because, I love Cheetos, and cake, and alcohol, but Karen seems to have put on even more weight than she was carrying last year. I thought she was trying to get in shape so she could find a guy with a nice loaf of bread?

Anyway, the producers arranged for Karen and CousinSuckUp to visit Mob Scene, a museum (of sorts) dedicated to documenting mob history. It’s really just a chance for CousinSuckUp to explain her connection to the life and talk about her grandfather. And, honestly, the most interesting thing about CousinSuckUp is that Al Pacino played her grandfather in Donnie Brasco. Other than that, I don’t find her the least bit interesting or entertaining.

The museum guys look just as bored with her story as I am.

Junior is on his way to court. I wonder if this “plea agreement” meeting is the moment that the Feds turn him? You know, as much as I love Renee, I do hate that she still sees the Feds as the bad guys in this life. And that she only sees it in terms of what the Feds are doing to her family and the family of the mob guys. She doesn’t see what people like Junior have done to hurt all of the victims other families. It’s frustrating.

Anyway, Junior and Renee go for a walk to talk about the future since Junior won’t be sentenced for another 6 months and is facing a possible 16 year stint.

I’m back on the Renee roller coaster. Of COURSE Junior wants to spend time with her. His girlfriends aren’t going to move him into their houses, make sure he is well-fed, he gets to court on time, and has an attorney. His girlfriends aren’t going to be the ones always coming back for more humiliation because of sharing a child with him. His girlfriends wouldn’t be willing to wait for him to get out of prison after getting used to having him home again. I honestly get the feeling that Renee is a human half-way house for this guy and she keeps signing up for it.

He says something about how when she was in the hospital after the reassignment surgery, he started worrying about losing her and he wants to give their relationship another chance. He doesn’t have the least bit of emotion in his voice or manner when he is saying this. But, Renee is so happy that she is crying. I want to reach through the screen and shake her to make her wake up.

The good news is that I notice she does actually have an ass now. Maybe everything has to settle after the healing process in order for it to be noticeable?

But, Junior is telling her that he wants to try and he wants his family and everyone will be happy. And she has wanted to hear him say exactly that for so long, that Renee agrees to give it another shot. Junior was more passionate about punching that conversion van than he is about reuniting with Renee. But, we’ll just have to see how it works out (hint: heartbreak and betrayal).

Next week, it looks like Drita is selling her 3-carat in engagement ring. Renee and Junior discuss his infidelity. Renee and Carla discuss surgery-gate and CousinSuckUp was in jail for some reason. She was probably arrested for being boring.

Wow. That was an ordeal you guys!

So what did you think? The fight was pretty epic. The fall out should be interesting, especially if Drita really does avoid giving Karen’s BitchFace any screen time at her expense. Because Karen will then have no choice but to move on to someone else.

It seemed like in the earlier previews for the show, Karen does get into it with Carla over something so I do think that is her next plan of action. I’m really not looking forward to seeing Renee getting her heart broken again and then aggressively over sharing it with AJ. But, I’m in this for the long haul.

As promised, and as a special treat to those of you who have stuck it out with me, I present a photo of Lee D’Avanzo:

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