Mob Wives: Spaghetti and Hairballs

All right Gasmii, I have taken off my shoes and the little bit of joorey I own so that I can finally get down and dirty with these bitches.  And, make no mistake these are some rank ass bitches. Except for Drita. God Help me I just can’t quit Drita. Not sure why I like Drita so much. I think I am mostly afraid of her – or those veins in her neck.

So, last week, Karen tried to pull that “you stole my boyfriend, that I had already broken up with, and hadn’t cared about since I had a child with someone else card” with Drita. Drita didn’t go for it and it ended at a standoff.

And, then… NOTHING HAPPENED!

We start up this week with Drita at Carla’s house to tell her that she and Karen had it out. The problem is that we have no idea what happened in the conversation. Seriously, if I weren’t so addicted to seeing bitches act stupid and show their asses on TV while eating Cheetos, I would never watch reality shows. Thanks, for giving me a purpose Flipit!

Carla’s kids aren’t around so she enthusiastically greets Drita and the two have a discussion about what a fucked up bitch Karen is and how Renee’s Drag Queen dramatics are getting out of hand; because, Renee hates everybody and Karen is a fucking bitch.

OK, they didn’t really say that but I do agree that if Karen has a problem, it’s really with Lee, not Drita. Or, it’s about Karen needing some extra drama to stay in front of the cameras.

Karen already had a kid with a whole other bank robber, or drug dealer or, whatever the hell the guy did to land in prison, when Drita and Lee got together. So, if she has a problem with Lee and Drita being married, that’s really just too fucking bad. If she had a problem with the way it happened, she should have been a big girl or “the realest bitch” we know and dealt with it at the time, with or without her baby girl on her hip and her baby’s daddy in the joint. Karen is about to make me my break out my southern accent and the bitch isn’t even on screen yet.

MMM HMMM!

Drita doesn’t understand why Karen would come to her house and say that she has a problem and then proceed to rip the father of her children, in the house that the Mafiosos’ built. Yes, I am afraid of Drita while also still being slightly drawn to her, but she knowingly married a criminal. So, even my beloved Drita gets no pass from me this time – except when she does (I can’t myself when it comes to her Gasmii – I can’t explain it; it is what it is – kind of like my relationship with Renee). Anyway, I totally see Drita’s point. Karen came to her house and started talking shit about her husband. If Drita’s kids were there, they could have heard her badmouthing their dad.

Karen meets up with Renee and lies about her skin looking amazing.

My skin did turn out really good didn’t it?

Karen goes on and on about making peace with her past and not getting an apology from Drita and now the friendship is in trouble. Why would you have pretended to be Drita’s friend this long if you really felt like she betrayed you Karen? Oh, right you don’t really feel betrayed you just need a new way to make money that doesn’t involve dealing drugs.

Lee calls Drita and she says wants to get another tattoo. She wants an evil eye on the back of her neck. She agrees to send him some sexy pictures. She is worried about the guards seeing the photos. I would be worried about him trading the pictures for prison favors.

Carla meets Renee for lunch. Carla tells Renee Drita’s side of the story. Renee thinks that this is about Drita making light of the relationship. Carla says that Drita doesn’t make light of it. She just thinks that Karen and Lee’s relationship is ancient history and isn’t an issue in Drita’s home – which is totally true. Renee thinks that it’s because Carla doesn’t know the whole story. I think these bitches are getting tedious.

Renee turns the conversation to how she doesn’t like Carla’s boyfriend because of some stuff that she has seen and heard around town. But, says she doesn’t want to get into it now. She invites Carla to Sunday Dinner and says that she wants to have all of the women over so that they can clear the air and get rid of the drama.

You know that’s total bullshit, Gasmii.

When have you ever known a drag queen to not want drama? Renee may not be expecting what happens, but she is totally expecting and anticipating drama.

Nikkole visits Renee and Renee talks about all of the letters that she sent to family and friends in prison over the years. Renee wants to turn it into a business, Jail Mail, Inc. It would automatically mail cards to prison inmates each month. So, we have our second product being shilled on the show. Actually, the Jail Mail thing isn’t a bad idea. And it would be nice for Renee to have a sense of purpose so that she can stop treating her son as a sounding board for her drama.

Drita is picking out clothes for her photo shoot. Her little girl Giselle is absolutely adorable.

There has been some speculation about whether or not Giselle is Lee’s daughter. I believe she is. I think the reason that she refers to Lee as Aleeya’s father is because Giselle doesn’t know who Lee is. There is a relationship between Aleeya and Lee that I think Drita respects and loves. Giselle doesn’t have that relationship so she is more Drita’s than Aleeya will ever be. But, I don’t think there is any question of parentage. There is no way they would still be married if Drita had a kid with someone else. You saw his reaction to Drita wanting to know when he got out of the joint. Do you think Drita would stick around to see his reaction if she had someone else’s kid?

Anyway, I love seeing normal little kid stuff in the midst of this craziness.  And make no mistake; the normalcy of Giselle dressing up in her mother’s clothes is downright heartwarming. Especially when you consider the crazy that will happen later in this episode.

Hope you enjoyed the cuteness, because things just get really weird from here on out!

Renee calls Drita and invites her to dinner and doesn’t tell her that Karen is coming. Actually, she lies out right about who will be there. But, we are supposed to believe that Renee doesn’t want any drama? A drag queen may change her wig but she doesn’t change her dramatic spots.

I look fabulous! I’m definitely sticking with this wig for a little while.

Carla invites Drita over and tells her what Renee said. They both get irritated about how Renee is constantly talking shit without knowing what is going on and how she is constantly talking about people behind their backs. NO! Please don’t start pulling that behind their backs shit! I was only joking about it being the Real Housewives of Staten Island. Now Drita doesn’t want to go to the dinner.

Renee meets up with some web designers to discuss her idea for Jail Mail Inc. (We’re not incorporated, We’re incarcerated). She wants it to be prison themed, of course. She is very excited about her idea. And truthfully, I am excited for her. I want her to been able to build something out of this crappy life she was born into and then stupidly continued to persevere in.

Drita does the photo shoot and it turns out really well. She really is very pretty, even if she is kind of vein-y.

Renee is giving us the breakdown of what happened with Carla’s boyfriend. Basically Carla told the guy that Renee doesn’t like him and says that she can do better. The guy texts Renee and says, “Keep my name out of your mouth.”

Personally, if Renee is talking shit about the guy all over town, then that is a pretty mild text message. But somehow it is made worse by the fact that Renee’s son saw the text. Which again, AJ knows what a loud mouth his mother is, so I really doubt he was upset or even all that surprised. Come on, this kid thinks his mom talks too much without a filter for her language. He most likely sees text messages, emails, telegrams, and skywriting telling her to shut the fuck up. Why would a text message bother him?

But, Renee made matters worse by calling the guy and putting him on speakerphone in front of her son.

Who does that?

That’s right, a drama queen wanting to make sure that the drama has a witness, and therefore more fallout.

Let’s see…I am having an uncomfortable conversation on the phone. I should put it on speaker so that there is a witness to the drama. This can’t possibly end badly.

There was no reason for her to involve her son in her gossipy antics, but we all ready know just how much she likes to aggressively over share her antics with her son. So, she is pissed that the guy who told her to stop talking about him cussed her out. You know, after she called him and put him on speakerphone.

Renee says that Carla’s boyfriend poured gasoline on the fire. I think Renee is projecting.

Carla just wants Renee to stop talking about her boyfriend. Drita wants Renee to stop talking shit behind everyone’s back.

Anyway, they are at Renee’s for dinner and Drita shows off her tattoo. I love tattoos Gasmii. Drita’s is gorgeous. There is a lot of detail and it looks like the artist really knew what he was doing. And considering how many shitty tattoos are out there, I am really impressed by the quality of this one. My husband has an “Evil Eye” tattoo, but it is much more traditional and not nearly as detailed as this one. I like hers because it’s big enough to be hard core, but detailed enough to still be feminine.

They are having a good time and Drita is wondering why there are 4 plates.  Renee says there are going to be 4 bitches not 3. Drita thinks Renee is pulling the same move that Drita and Carla did at the birthday party. Renee finally cops to lying about it just being the three of them. She apologizes and says that it’s the first and last time and that she never lies.

Carla thinks that is hilarious. I do too. Her father is Tony Graziano! She was taught to lie from the womb. She wouldn’t be alive if she were always honest, not in that lifestyle.

Anyway, Carla is like, “come on everyone lies of course you lie.” Carla is asks for a distiction between lying and fibbing (but it’s Carla, so I have to take license when it comes to translation). Renee says that she may enhance a story but she doesn’t lie. Renee goes into hysterical drag queen mode and is crying that she only says things about the boyfriend because she likes Carla and is her friend.

Carla says she has to give her a good reason for disliking the boy if she wants Carla to listen.

This is very bad timing for all of this. First, Carla has just admitted that she believes that Renee is a liar. Second, Renee has just admitted that she may embellish the truth a bit when telling a story. So, when she drops the bomb that when Carla’s man drinks he starts touching people, it’s kind of hard to figure out what is and isn’t credible. Plus, Renee totally should have had this conversation with Carla alone on neutral ground so that they could be calm and rational.

What she has done here is put Carla in the position of either believing the worst about her boyfriend, or believing that her good friend is a liar. And she has done it on camera in front of a mutual friend, and Carla knows that Karen is coming to dinner. I want to smack Renee for this.

I tend to go back and forth on Renee because; I think she would be exhausting to be around in real life. But, I truly think that she has a good heart. I also think that she tends to exaggerate to make sure that she gets her point across and get people to choose her side. It’s all about separating the Drag Queen from the actual person.

The real problem in this argument is that Carla isn’t reacting the way Renee wants her to react. Carla is laughing and saying, “who did he touch?” This is making Renee angry and she is yelling about “opening that door” and trying to get Drita to choose a side before she even bothers to elaborate on the bomb that she just dropped. This whole thing was really poorly played on her part.

So, apparently someone got slapped on the ass but I’m not sure if it was Drita (it was probably Drita considering the later part of the conversation) or Renee, and Carla knows about it and doesn’t think it’s a big deal.

So, now I am giving Carla the side eye. How can your man slapping women on the ass not be a problem for you? Is his loaf of bread really that nice? No wonder your son has no respect for you and your daughter is probably praying that daddy gets fired so that at least he can finally come home.

Who cares? As long as he has a nice loaf a bread, it’s all good right?

The problem is we don’t know for a fact that Carla isn’t bothered by it. She may be saying it’s not a big deal because she has been put on the spot and is feeling defensive – regardless of the huge doses of Valium she is taking.

Doesn’t matter though because Renee has already changed her attack from “he likes to touch,” to he had the nerve to say I was jealous of you. I think, Carla was trying to clarify by asking, “You’re jealous of me?” because the way Renee said it could have been she’s jealous of Carla or she is jealous of Carla’s boyfriend. Renee doesn’t hear it as a question though and starts yelling, “Why would I be jealous of you?”

I think at this point that Carla is no longer taking the argument seriously. She glibly says, “I don’t know, maybe you want to suck his cock,” and then goes on to say “I don’t know why would you be jealous of me.” But Renee only heard the part about sucking and she is pissed.  Carla now has that dazed medicated look in her eye as she calmly sips her wine. For a second, I start to wonder if her kids have made an appearance because of how calm and seemingly uninterested she has become.

So, Karen shows up and hears the arguing outside. She’s pissed because the drama started before she could make her entrance. Renee is still screaming and Carla is still deathly calm as she says, “look what the wind blew in,” as Karen walks in to take her seat. Karen takes in the situation, as Drita gives her a tight-lipped smile.

Karen is immediately backing Renee without knowing the topic of conversation. Drita is wondering what the hell is going on and is pretty much over everything. Karen wants to know what’s going on as she sizes up the situation.

Renee says that she and Carla’s boyfriend got into some shit and all she said to Carla was that she feels that Carla can do better. Carla tries to say that this is just Renee’s opinion but it really isn’t her business, but Renee cuts her off and starts talking louder and louder as Karen continues to figure out the best way to make this about her.

Karen knows she has to back Renee but she still needs Carla on her side for the Drita drama she wants to continue. You can actually see her brain churning as she tries to figure out the best way to manipulate this situation to her advantage.

Hmmm…Not quite sure where everyone stands yet, but I can definitely make this work for me.

Carla makes the very sound point that Renee doesn’t know the guy so she shouldn’t be giving her opinion about it without the facts. Karen immediately jumps to Renee’s defense saying that as her friend, why shouldn’t she give her opinion?

This is what bothers me about that line of reasoning. If Carla asks her friends opinions on the guy that she is dating, that is one thing. If she has made it quite clear that she doesn’t want their opinion, they have to back off or risk losing their friend.

None of this is Karen’s business.

Renee’s interactions with Carla’s boyfriend don’t really have anything to do with Carla. If she dislikes the guy, she can simply not see Carla when he is around or not see Carla until he isn’t in the picture. That’s how friends work.

When Carla realizes that she is is no longer seeing her friends and those friends say it’s because they don’t like her guy – like they told her before – then, Carla will decide whether or not the guy is worth it. Attacking a friend’s boyfriend just makes that friend much more stubborn about being with the guy, and resentful of the person that did the trash talking.

Besides, Karen should just keep her mouth shut and let Renee and Carla work this out the way Drita is doing.

So, Karen jumps in and says he grabbed her at the birthday party. And then goes on to embellish by saying he stuck his finger up her ass, but qualifies it by saying practically.  Look, I don’t think it’s any secret that I dislike Karen. I think I have been very clear on my feelings. So, don’t be surprised if I don’t find her credible – not a bout the grabbing because Carla acknowledges that, but saying some guy stuck his finger up your ass when you weren’t into it means that you are going a step further than defending your friend. You are trying your best to make sure that guy’s name is mud – even if you qualify the statement.

Besides, if what she is saying is true, why didn’t she say something to him? She is all upset saying it wasn’t cool with her (even though apparently Carla witnessed the incident) because he doesn’t know her well enough to do that. But, she didn’t say a thing to him or Carla about the inappropriateness? The “realest bitch” let some drunk guy grab her ass and didn’t put him in check? Instead, she waits until she has an audience and a camera to attack his girlfriend about his actions? I’m calling bullshit on anything that Karen has to say about this entire situation.

What? I’m trust worthy!

Can you believe that any of these people are responsible for the lives of children?

Anyway, Carla has brushed the entire situation aside. She says that he is a touchy feely guy when he has been drinking and he will joke around by playing grab ass with her friends. For her it’s not a big deal because she is right there.

Which tells me two things.

1. If she is ok with this behavior, they are talking to the wrong person.

2. Carla must really need a loaf of bread badly to be ok with him playing grab ass right in front of her.

So, now that Carla has swept it under the rug, she jokingly says to Renee “He grabbed her ass, and her ass, but he didn’t grab your ass?” Which hits a nerve with our hypersensitive drag queen.

Carla says she doesn’t take it personal that her boyfriend jokes around and grabs her friends’ asses. Renee starts screaming “are you dumb or stupid?” asking her what’s wrong with her. Carla only looks mildly amused. She looks like she is ordering something off the menu at McDonalds when she didn’t expect to be there, or pointing at a picture on the wall.

You mean I can get a shake or fries and it won’t cost extra? That’s a much better deal than Whattaburger!

I don’t get Carla’s attitude about being ok with her boyfriend grabbing her friends – even if it is all a joke to him. But, I do have to say that I am kind of respecting the fact that she isn’t playing into the hysterics and is actually kind of entertained by them.

I just hope there is never a situation where one of her kids says something about the boyfriend “grabbing them” and not liking it. Because she would probably go into a fugue state.

Renee is doing the hysterical crying screaming thing and Carla is saying she thinks it’s funny. Renee says that she respects Carla and Carla says, “If you respect me so much you should have come over to me right then and told me what he did. But you didn’t” Now, it’s time for Renee to really turn on the dramatics of “I didn’t know how to tell you.” I don’t buy that. Renee had no problem going up to Carla and saying she deserved better when the guy made a joke about getting with her if he wasn’t already with Carla. There is no way that she wouldn’t have the balls to go up to Carla and say, “hey check your man he is being inappropriate.” How have any of these women made it to this many years in life without having the slightest idea of how to interact with their friends?

Then, Renee admits that she wasn’t there when the incident happened. So, Carla is back to Renee talking trash because of things that she has heard and hasn’t witnessed. She says, “don’t talk about stuff that you heard if you didn’t see it, bitch.” This is the moment that Renee has been waiting for.

Carla says I can call you bitch because you love that word. Which to be fair, Renee does love that word. She uses it as a term of endearment all the time, and even referred to them as a group of 4 bitches not 3. But, I think this was simply the wrong context and she is PISSED!

Carla is still treating this as a joke. But, Renee comes in and says all kidding aside she was just trying to be honest with her.

She gets in Carla’s face and Drita gets up and says something about how they have to stay where they can come back from this, as she moves to try to intervene. Karen, not wanting to be left out of the drama and screen time, tries to get between Carla and Renee.

Drita is trying to say we have to come back from this.

And Carla says, “Do not say my boyfriend’s name out of your mouth.” Renee gets right in her face and calls him a cunt. Carla throws it back at her and pushes Renee’s face and it is GLORIOUS!

Suddenly there is screaming and hair is flying and people are rolling on the floor. And people with blurred faces are running around and the camera and boom mic guys are trying to get it on film without being in the way.

It’s no New Jersey Christening, but I’ll take it.

What really surprises me though, is how much hair pulling is actually going on. I was expecting to see some fists flying or some kicking or something. But these bitches are hair pullers. Who would have thought?

They get them separated for a minute and Renee is screaming about how Carla’s boyfriend hurt her son because of the text message and the cursing when Renee put him on speakerphone.

Karen doesn’t like everything not being about her so she starts yelling that they need to sit the fuck down.

Drita is trying to remind them that they are not enemies, but Carla is too calm for Renee’s liking so she is charging after her.

Someone should tell Melissa Gorga that this is what charging looks like.

Renee is charging and screaming “my son, Carla! My Son!” and Drita takes off her shoes because if it’s gonna be a fight, it’s gonna be a real fight and she has to be comfortable. Her attitude is all “ you wanna brawl bitches? Let’s do this.” I rewound and laughed at that so many times.

You bitches wanna go? Let’s go. I just gotta take off my shoes first! You’re lucky, cause I usually stab bitches with the heels.

My husband says, “you like her so much because she reminds you of your sister.” Which is true Gasmii. My sister definitely has a temper and when she starts pulling off her shoes and taking out her earrings, you know some shit is about to go down. Of, course that only happened that one time at Thanksgiving…and that other time at her birthday party – not sure why I am only just now remembering that.

Anyway, Drita says that she wants to punch the screaming out of everybody. I start chanting, “Yes, Drita! Do it! Start with Karen! Punch her right in her smug face! Punch her! Punch her!”

But, of course, they end the episode before it goes any further.

But they show previews for next week and it looks like Karen is showing her ass by knocking over flowers and even Renee is like “WTF?”

What could she possibly have against my flowers. I think the bitch actually broke the vase.

Anyway, Karen rehashes the Drita/Lee relationship only she is much louder because I guess knocking over a vase of flowers made her feel powerful. Meanwhile, Renee is moaning and wailing in the background. It looks AWESOME!

What did you think Gasmii? Was that fight worth the build up? Does anyone wonder exactly how big the hairballs were that ended up in the food? What the hell was up with those tacky wineglasses?

Tell me everything.