Mob Wives: The Many Bitch Faces of Karen

It took me a while to figure out the best way to tackle this recap. I was just going to type Karen SUCKS over and over again, and call it a day, but you deserve more than that (plus, I’d feel really dirty earning this week’s Cheetos that way).

I’d suck you all individually for the cheesy goodness. But, not for a writing gig, there have to at least be some M&M’s in the mix for that to happen.

And, frankly, I want to discuss all the ways that she sucks – even if you are already well aware. So, this recap is a little longer than usual, and may have a few more photos than I would normally work with. But, if it helps you understand just how much Karen sucks as a human being, then it will totally be worth it.

So, let’s probe the actual depths of Karen’s suck-itude, shall we?

Our resident drag queen, Renee, is out of sorts after last week’s drama; but instead of buying a fur, she decides that drinking is the way to go – and I totally feel her on that one (next to Cheetos and M&M’s, drinking is my favorite). After getting all of the enabling she possibly can from the bartender, Renee decides she needs to have a psychic party – as one does.

Drita and Carla are going for a walk and discussing the Renee problem. Well, more like they are discussing how to squash the shit before Renee’s drama inducing mind blows it even more out of proportion. The thing is that, like most drag queens (there’s a reason that drag queen and drama queen are such similar phrases – trust me), Renee is sensitive. If she feels she has been disrespected, you have to sit down with her – or catch her at her most vulnerable moment like Karen did. Whichever situation invites the most dramatic reaction is usually the way to go.  Drita texts Renee an apology about the party, and invites her to dinner.

Renee uses the interview to play up just how hurt she was by Drita’s behavior, but agrees to go to dinner with her anyway – because she is both a drag and drama queen. OK. Karen isn’t even on screen yet, and already you can see how much she sucks. Her “I’m going to get in the drag queen’s face and put that bitch in her place” behavior at Carla’s party is why everyone is all disjointed in the first place. Seriously, did you see any problems between Renee, Drita, and Carla before Karen used Drita to get an invite to Carla’s party? Yeah, neither did I.

My crime? Being a terrible person.

Speaking of the bitch in question. Karen is now at Drita’s house and since when do you just walking into someone’s house unannounced? You don’t have to be gangsta to know that shit isn’t cool.

They drink sangria while Karen disses Renee. She turns the entire conversation into an “I’m awesome and Renee sucks ass” party.

Renee, is the weakest bitch. I am the queen bitch.

At the same time, she is putting the screws to Drita for not showing up at Renee’s house. All the while, she has this smirk on her face that I just want to smack off of her. I hate Karen so much you guys. There are just no words for how much I cannot stand her. She interviews about how Drita stole her boyfriend (again) and if it comes down to a fight, she will be Team Renee (even though she was just bitching about Renee to Drita).

This bitch is obviously up to something. Come on brain… Help me figure this out before I go into my next rage.

Karen needs to let that boyfriend shit go. She really does. First of all, she left to use her witness protection status to sell drugs in Arizona. Was Lee supposed to wait around for her? Was Drita supposed to send up smoke signals asking for permission to date the guy that Karen was no longer dating? I mean, Karen’s daughter is older than Drita’s oldest daughter, which should tell you that she moved on before Drita and Lee got married.

Second of all, if she really is feeling raw about the shit, she needs to put on her big girl panties and talk to Drita about it. She claims to be the “realest bitch,” why doesn’t she prove it? Because, it is total bullshit meant to instigate extra drama in case she needs more time in front of the camera.

Third of all, she is only Team Renee, because she still needs Renee to have an “in” with the show. Just like she used Drita to get to Carla’s party for camera time and to show that she is “the realest bitch” by confronting Renee when the situation didn’t even call for it, she is now using Renee to back up her bullshit for the camera time.

And when Karen asks Drita if she is going to Renee’s psychic party and Drita says, Renee will probably tell her about it when they make up at dinner, because they will definitely make up; Karen has such a calculating look on her face. A look that totally says, “I need to break that shit up right now.” And she smirks as she drinks Drita’s sangria, all the while, plotting a way to keep the strife going just a little bit longer.

Dinner and making up? Yeah, we’ll see about that.

Now, if you were willing to give Karen the benefit of the doubt throughout that entire scene, fine. But, let’s examine the next example of just how much she sucks: Karen goes to visit Renee before the Renee/Drita sit down (which she of course knew was happening, because she had already talked to Drita about it). Again, Karen just walks in without ringing the bell, or knocking – it’s a pet peeve of mine Gasmii. I know that they are filming a show and Renee probably knew she was coming over, but it bugs me. Anyway, Renee explains that she is having dinner with Drita that night and is apprehensive about it. Karen, smirk firmly in place, but pretending total innocence, says, “Because she said she would wring your dumb twat neck?”

Renee hadn’t actually even heard that part. What is interesting to note here is that Karen immediately tries to play like she was just bringing it up because she thought the whole situation was funny. She laughingly says “you remember what she said to you at the party,” as though it was all a big joke.

You didn’t hear me? Yeah. Dumb. Twat. Neck. But, I’m only telling you because it’s funny.

And then, she does a talking head interview about how she only brought it up because she thought it was so funny. Um no.

Look, if you have a drag queen that is as super sensitive as Renee obviously is, and she is telling you that she felt disrespected about something, you don’t give her more ammunition, unless you want to see some fireworks fly. Karen, having known Renee longer than anyone else on the show (hell, Karen probably knows all of Renee’s tucking secrets at this point in their lives), knows that. She wanted to keep the anger alive. I’ll bet you anything she wanted to show up later after the dinner, when she knew that Renee had made an ass of herself, just so that she could play the voice of reason.

Knowing that she has prolonged the discord between her supposed friends, Karen gleefully watches as Renee calls Drita and leaves her a message canceling their dinner.

What especially infuriates me is the smirk she has on her face that immediately turns into approval after Renee cancels the dinner.

Exxxcellllent! I have this bitch right where I want her.

Karen is enjoying every single second of Renee’s drama queen antics as she screeches about Mafia wars and how she will win every time.

Of course, Karen can’t let Renee be the winner in anything, even if it is ridiculously petty, so she promptly says that she would win.

Uhh. No bitch. I win – like Charlie Sheen. Only, I don’t use drugs. I just sell them – but only while under witness protection.

And Renee? God!

I only have one nerve left when it comes to these bitches, Gasmii. It’s a big throbbing nerve and Renee does her very best to stomp on it throughout this episode (and she is the only one I liked besides Drita).

I mean Karen sucks, but Renee makes me want to smack her because she buys into not just her own very smelly bullshit, but also the big steaming pile that Karen is serving her.

Anyway, let’s check out some bad parenting before I get too far-gone into how much Karen sucks and Renee makes me mourn for the reputations of drag queens everywhere.

Carla is making dinner and the twins are wrestling around. Then we hear Joseph call his sister a shitty cunt.

My son is such a poet. Where are my Valium?

What the FUCK Gasmii? He’s 8. There is no way that this kid picked up this kind of language while simultaneously having no idea that his father is in prison. Come on! A kid that knows what those words mean, or has heard those words, has heard about his dad being in the slammer. Carla gives a vague warning about language or watching his behavior or something. Carla is so checked out at this point, that I wonder why I should even care. But, having had a mother who wasn’t afraid to pick up a fly swatter, wooden spoon, or just take off her own slipper when warranted, I can’t just ignore it. So, I will just once again point you to the Trifecta of Child Discipline:

Each item is designed to fit in your glove compartment or purse, for the disciplinarian on the go.

Carla gives some monotone and dazed explanation about her kids being out of control because their father isn’t there. Which is completely ridiculous. Look, I think I have been very upfront about my views on child rearing. Granted, corporal punishment isn’t for everyone, but give your shit some consequences at the very least. Don’t tell your kid not to do something and then expect them to just agree with you. BACK THAT SHIT UP!

I personally, think that her parenting method is an insult to any woman who has only ever had to give her child a look to let him or her know that they were behaving inappropriately. Like my mom, and grandma, and both my sisters, and all of my aunts and most of my cousins, and that homeless woman who lives behind the building I work in.

Drita has her clothes all laid out and is doing her makeup, when she gets Renee’s cancellation message. I’ll bet she is wondering what fresh bullshit this is. She says fuck it because she has been planning to go out, and has already made arrangements for someone to watch the kids (I assume). She calls Carla and Carla agrees to go out for drinks with her, with as much enthusiasm as a woman on Valium can.

She and Carla discuss how there must be something very specific that Drita needs to apologize for.

Which, if you hang out with drag queens, you know that Carla and Drita are right on the money with that conclusion. Because, when it comes to drag queens, there will definitely be something that you do that will piss them off eventually. And they will hold that grudge, while never once telling you what it was – until you actually apologize for it. That doesn’t mean they won’t tell everyone else. They will generally allude to it with your friends, but they won’t come right out and tell you what it is until you apologize for something that is at least in the general ballpark.

Oh My God. Jill Zarin is a drag queen. I only just realized it. I’ll have to ask my favorite drag queen about JZ’s behavior last season and see if she qualifies.

The secret’s out! Just don’t tell Bawby!

Renee sees her shrink, and shames drag queens everywhere with the simple minded shit that she says. She goes on and on about how she wants to pull away from the life but Junior won’t let her and, she can’t let go, and if he calls her because he wants to stay with her, she isn’t going to say no. Any woman who has ever been totally hung up on a guy that could give two shits about them will recognize her rant. The shrink is all, “you are a codependent, and kind of pathetic drag queen, and need to break away from this whole deal.” Renee blames her mother for it.

Seriously? I thought drag queens were supposed to be fabulous. This is the worst performance ever. Tell me your private shows during fleet week are better.

You guys please don’t think that all drag queens are as dumb as Renee. Most of them are awesome people. Seriously, they manage to hold down jobs and raise children, and even help other people raise their children, with nary a codependent behavior in sight. Yes, they may do all of those things a bit more dramatically than the rest of us, but that’s usually what makes them awesome.

Drita and Carla are getting their nails done. Is it me? Or is Carla much more animated and involved if it doesn’t involve the parenting of her kids? I honestly think that she is completely over being a parent, and wants her husband to get out of jail so she can divorce him and move on with her life. Or, she has a doctor that prescribes Valium.

That’s just a feeling I’m getting from this episode. It is only episode 4, things could change – which reminds me, how long is this season anyway? Maybe she has it worked out in her head that she took the first 8 years, her husband will take the next 8 and then, sometime around the time the kids are 16, they will share the responsibility. Although, I’m probably giving her too much credit, because that involves math. And since she doesn’t think stock fraud is a real crime, she may just think she’s done since she gave birth and didn’t kill them before their father got out of prison.

Carla and Drita talk about the psychic party and how Drita isn’t invited. They joke, but are also totally serious, about how once Drita and Renee make up; it will be Carla’s turn to be on the outs with her. Since she started out being pissed about Karen, now they are BFF’s and now Renee is pissed at Drita, Carla must be next. This sounds crazy, but is also totally accurate in terms of dealing with drag queens. There has to be at least a little bit of drama and friends are easy targets for it. Carla reiterates that the whole thing is “retahded.”

Hmm. I can still blink and move my lips. I’ll have to talk to Karen about getting some Xanax or whatever else she’s willing to sell me.

Renee is having a great time at her psychic party. She is doing shots and is happy. She is just like she was at Carla’s party before Karen showed up. She has Karen go in with one psychic; and her son, who looks like he was pulled out of bed for this travesty, goes in to meet the other one.

According to the psychics, Karen has some battles coming – probably of her own design – but there isn’t any chance of Sammy the Bull getting out early. According to the other psychic, AJ is wiser than he should be, and he should expect a judge to come down hard on his dad. I feel bad for AJ. He’s sitting there in his sweats and socks and trying to play along for the camera while waiting for this to end so he can escape back to his room.

Renee wants to be read in front of her friends – because it’s more dramatic that way. According to Renee’s interpretation of the psychic, Junior is holding on to her because he wants to suck her back in. Karen says that Renee needs a smack in the face or kick in the ass from her (because she actually hates Renee) for Renee to snap out of it. But, the psychic tells Renee that she needs to sit down with the Aquarius, Drita. Did you catch the look on Karen’s face when they came to that conclusion?

Her smirk was gone, and she was actually looking a little irritated. She looked like all of her best-laid plans were about to be fucked with. KAREN SUCKS! Here’s the proof. I took screen shots of her reactions during the part of the reading that concerned the Aquarius:

This is such BS. I can’t believe Renee paid this lady.

Wait. Did she say something about female friends? I should pay attention, just in case.

Who stays and who goes? Shit, that could mean me or Drita.

Renee is totally buying this. I might have to rethink some things.

Damn. She is totally going to sit down with Drita. Shit, did I bad mouth Renee to Drita? Fuck, how am I going to use this to my advantage. Think. Think.

Let’s watch two ineffective parents in action now. Carla and her mother are complaining about Joseph’s behavior and refusing to do anything about it. Carla tells him to put the game away and he refuses. And instead of snatching it out of his hand and making him go outside to pick his own switch, or even sending him to his room, she says, “wait till your father calls.” You know where I stand:

Each item can be personalized with your own initials, or even the family crest, to show the world just how stylish of a disciplinarian you are. Plus, if used correctly, the results are guaranteed to last a life time.

Her poor daughter is eating her dinner, doing her homework, and waiting for someone to notice that she is actually being good, only to have grandma say “it’s bad enough with one, but you gotta deal with two.”

Grandma thinks that the twins are too young to know that their father is in prison, because they don’t even know what prison is. But, Joseph knows what a shitty cunt is? Oh and it just gets worse from there. Carla is emotionlessly going through the issues that can come from not having told them and her mother is trying her best not to be obvious about rolling her eyes. Then, she says “it’s not that their father is such a bad person.” Because, really all he did was bilk some people out of their life savings right? I mean what’s a little stock fraud, when the guy running the scam is still a really good guy, right?

Honestly ossifer, stock fraud is a victimless crime. I promise.

Carla is just happy that no one has ever told her kids, and thinks Joe should be the one to tell them, because eventually they will find out. You know, once the show wraps, or the kids go to school.

It’s time for the sit down. Drita feels like she is done apologizing because she texted Renee about it and Renee wants to confront Drita about her disrespect.

You hidin a knife in your cleavage? I just need to be sure.

Drita looks nervous, like she doesn’t know what to expect, which is perfectly normal. When you have pissed off a drag queen, you never know what kind of shit is going to happen when you finally meet up face-to-face without the gossiping friends there as buffers and/or distractions.

Damn those bitches for meeting and not remembering that this is about me. I’ll find a way to get back into the drama.

Renee is all, I’m your friend and you sized me up like you were going to hit me. And Drita, is all, I didn’t hit you. You got away with some shit. Are you crazy? If you weren’t my friend, you would have been laid out. Renee then says that Drita has a terrible temper and Renee has a horrible mouth, which is dangerous. And I totally agree with her on that. I think the only reason they have been friends is because they are very similar in that neither one will back down.

And when Renee points out that she doesn’t care about consequences once a line has been crossed, Drita gets it.

She apologizes for telling Renee to get the fuck out. This luckily was the drag queen apology of the night, so fight resolved. Then they have this cute little conversation about not thinking your friends are out to get you because you need your friends. You can’t trust your men because when the shit hits the fan, they’re all in jail anyway. And it’s disturbing and touching at the same time, because these women only know this life.

Can you believe this is the life we chose? Me either.

Of course, then things are totally squashed when Drita orders the “Lobster Explosion” and Renee orders the “Crazy Mama.” I totally want to eat at that restaurant.

Now, we get to see just how much Karen sucks again.

Ruining lives since 2001.

Karen and Renee go out for drinks and Renee is all about renewing the friendship. She wants to set up weekly meet-ups for drinks and mani-pedi days. And Karen is all trying to stop her and bring it back to herself. When this guy comes up and talks some trash about showing some sexual pictures. He is totally all about the camera and doesn’t really care about anything else. Renee gets offended and demands an apology.  Because, this drunken guy should know who the fuck she is.Why’d she have to have a drag queen for a wingman? This just might get ugly.

When she doesn’t get the apology, she calls Junior to come and handle it for her. This is the look on Karen’s face after Renee hangs up the phone.

This just might be my moment. But, I have to play it juuust right.

Notice, how she is not appalled? She isn’t worried. She is totally trying to figure out the best way to size up the entire situation to her advantage.  First, she will throw some shade Renee’s way by saying that she personally would never call for back up like Renee just did. Then, she is going to play the “do you want to get Junior in trouble card?” because that will help her sell her book as the “Mafia Princess Who Learned Her Lesson About the Mob.”

But, before she does that, she has to incite an already hysterical drama queen, to more anger so that she seems more rational when she breaks out the “is it worth it to get Junior in trouble” card. I get it Gasmii. I know that Karen did not make Renee behave this way. Renee’s belief that she has Junior at her beck and call, because she is at his beck and call is what makes her behave this way. But Karen knows exactly how codependent Renee is and she preys on that. This makes her a thoroughly disgusting and horrible human being.

But it isn’t done. Renee and Karen are now in the parking lot waiting for Junior. And Renee is railing about the drunk and Karen says this in reference to the guy:

Because Drita used her pussy to fuck my boyfriend.

Yeah, she is a great friend right? Of course, Renee is still in her codependent world of “I’m Junior’s family, even though he divorced me and has a girlfriend” so she is all about waiting for him to come beat the guy’s ass. That is when Karen decides to play the “is it worth it” card. Notice how she didn’t say anything when they were in the restaurant and Renee hung up the phone after talking to Junior. Notice how she didn’t say anything when Renee was going on about being abused by a “drunken Irishman.” No, Karen sized up the situation to make sure she got in at least one dig about Renee’s being weak, and one dig about Drita. Out of all of the people, she could have mentioned, she brought up Drita who has only ever tried to be her friend and help her get back into the circle of friends she so desperately wants to exploit. Why, did she do this? Say it with me Gasmii, because KAREN SUCKS AS A HUMAN BEING.

But, wait. There’s still more. Now that Karen has played her “I’m better than you” card by saying is it worth it to have Junior get arrested over this asshole, Renee is actually considering the implications of her temper and volatile reactions to drunkards who don’t know who the fuck she is. Which of course leaves Karen smirking with self-satisfaction, some more.

Junior shows up and it’s obvious that he could care less about Renee. He just wants to get the shit taken care of because he owes her. It’s sad because Renee thinks this is about her and what she means to Junior. But, Junior just reacted to the fact that his son’s mother called him and threatened that he would have to bail her out of jail this time. Renee is playing the concerned wife who doesn’t want her husband to get into trouble and Junior has absolutely no respect for her feelings. Which why should he? She has shown him over and over again that her feelings aren’t important. OK, that was a bit too armchair psychology, but I can’t help it. The bitches have pulled me in.

Anyway, Junior is going in and Renee is begging him to talk to her first, and you know what Karen does? Karen, says “No, let him talk to the guy.” And when Junior tells Renee to talk to him inside, Karen says, “he said talk to him inside.” Karen wants some shit to happen for the show and the supposed book she is writing. She has no concern whatsoever about Renee, or Junior at this point. She just wants some dramatic moments to make her trip back to Staten Island worth it.

After a bit of posturing on the part of the drunk, Junior says some stuff that we aren’t privy to and then brings Renee inside. The guy apologizes. Renee thanks him. Then she is all over Junior, practically begging him to tell her he still loves her. It’s really sad.

But, Karen can’t let the episode end without showing us one more time just how much she sucks. After all of her “I don’t believe in calling back up” bullshit, she gives Renee props for being gangsta enough to be able to call her ex-husband when some guy has disrespected her.  I hate Karen so very much.

Next week, Karen and Drita get into it. Could this actually be the moment when we see some actual shit go down between Drita and Karen? Or, is it going to be another instance of Karen worming her way out of her own shit talking? Tune in next week to find out.

So, what did you think Gasmii? Do you think that Karen is as horrible a human being as I do? Or do you think, as a good friend of mine pointed out, that she is just too aware of the camera and can’t help her bitch faced smirking?

I look forward to your thoughts and comments.