Models of the Runway: TRYing to Model

Moments before… Malvin’s black onesie covered with a white sling for an already-born-baby is OUT. Turns out pregnant women, or at least pregnant Rebecca Romijn, aren’t interested in wearing around a baby sling before they actually have a baby. Nor, apparently, are they interested in dressing their wombs up like an egg and their own bodies like a chicken. Nope, sorry Malvin. America isn’t ready for your brilliance. We are still the drooling masses who prefer to dress like humans and actually feel attractive while doing so. Maybe someday we’ll catch up to your enlightened barnyard ways. Well surprise, surprise, Malvin’s model Valerie liked his concept and doesn’t think he should have lost. Is this your strategy, Valerie? Hoping your designer doesn’t lose? ‘Cause that’s the first sensible thing I’ve heard yet on Models of the Runway!

Yes, here we are backstage as the models try to analyze what just happened without forcing their own heads to pop off. Valerie thinks that it’s unfair that Malvin lost to Mitchell because at least Malvin can SEW, which Mitchell has proven the last two weeks he has major problems with. True, Valerie, but what’s also happened the last two weeks is that some other designer has come up with something so colossally stupid that even Mitchell’s messes have looked better. This week you wore it.

Malvin comes backstage wearing the sweater that some grandma must have handed him on his way “auf” the runway. He buries his head in Valerie’s shoulder and wishes her luck on possibly being paired with a winning designer. Valerie boo-hoos about Malvin’s sweet soul but moves on to the important hope of being chosen by a GOOD designer for the next challenge.

And as for the winning designer – Shirin, who I think looks like Penelope Cruz. Her dress was beautiful and elegant, you know, something America is ready for. She comes backstage to thank her model, Matar for successfully walking in the dress. We learn that Matar is from Israel and started modeling when she was 19. That’s nice, dear. Good job wearing clothes.

Valerie takes a minute to very seriously pontificate the situation this season, wherein EVERY designer has a chance to switch models before each challenge – not just the winning designer. There’s no guarantee that anyone is safe. She needs to lie down now because that’s the most she’s thought in years. Even dimwitted Tara pipes in that it’s important to bond with your designer so they’ll want to work with you. Well yes, Tara, if your designer is good. You can be friends with the likes of Ari Fish or Malvin until the cows come back to the barnyard, but it won’t do you any favors. I say they just need to keep walking and hoping they get a good one. What else can they do?

It seems that Vanessa was the victim of a little overexpectation in the boob department this week. We get a glimpse of Ra’mon wondering where on earth her breasts are as he’s trying to fit her into his bowling-ball-bag maternity wear. She has to bring out some cutlets to save herself and now you know how difficult and challenging it is to be a model.

Kalyn also faced a trial on the runway when Heidi asked her how she felt in Mitchell’s creation which was a very tight shirt and some ill-constructed short shorts. Now, if Kalyn really wanted to endear herself to her designer and make a good impression on the other designers she could have said something like, “I think this is a fantastic idea and I love the thought of wearing a comfortable top and shorts while pregnant. It would make me feel easy and normal. I wish the shirt were not quite as tight, but I think it’s a great concept and I love where it’s going.” See how I did that? Without saying the outfit was a masterpiece she could have given him props for his ideas and effort. Here’s what she really said: “I feel like Mitchell did the best he could.”

Not so great, Kalyn. You might as well have said, “Mitchell has no fingers or eyes, but given his limitations, he did the best he could.” My designer is a mess and not capable of anything better.

Hold the phone, Fat Ma has something to say and it’s regarding HER strategy. She oh-so-wisely informs us that you never know who the winning designer could be. It could EVEN be Mitchell, so she makes a point to be friendly to all the designers so that they will all want to pick her. Remember that, Fat Ma. And you too, beloved readers.

Heidi decides it’s time once again to bring the girls out onto the runway to stare at her and remember that they will never, ever be as spectacular as she is. Heidi asks how they’re feeling after Week 2 and several girls seriously whine that it’s really stressful. What with all the trying on clothes, then taking them back off, then putting them on again – oh, then you have to get your hair done, people just don’t understand, and makeup, then you have to not only put on clothes, but also WALK in front of people while wearing them and it’s so stressful that they would all like some muscle relaxers and cocktails, please. Stressful! Heidi’s like, “Und on top of all of zat, you will NEVER make it to my status, so it’s really for nossing! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

Tara has a moment with the camera again and tells us that it’s hitting everyone that they actually have to try. What? Try? Isn’t it enough with the hair and makeup and all the walking? Sheesh! Now they have to TRY too? What IS this?? Next they’ll be told they have to read or do math! They might as well drop out now.

So it’s back to the hot pink modelplex for everyone to practice pouting. And the producers have lined up something very special the next morning to try to trick all of us into thinking that models are real people too. They’re going to Barry’s Boot Camp!

Sorry, but I’m not buying it. Real models don’t have to work out because they are born that way. No one is that skinny unless it’s genetic or an eating disorder. Okay, maybe the anorexic ones do work out. Something isn’t adding up, though, because there are 15 models at this point and about six of them are participating in boot camp while Tanisha and Tara sit in their bathing suits on the lawn looking on and eating cheetos (I knew it!).

Where are the rest of them? Tanisha tells us she should probably start working out more, but… nah. See? And so what if that’s my OWN work out philosophy? I’m not trying to get people to pay me to walk. I get paid plenty to do these recaps, thank you very much. Wait, now I’ve spun myself into a web of deceit.

Ah, here’s Valerie, the losing designer’s model, and she’s cleaning to calm her nerves. Stop by my place anytime, Valerie. And over on the phone is Erika. Remember her from last week? She had the 2007 kick start and had to model the silver soccer ball. Well, she’s on the phone bragging to her mother in front of everyone that she’s “on hold” for an Arby’s commercial. An Arby’s commercial? If I’ve learned anything from America’s Next Top Model it’s that in the world of fashion “commercial” is a dirty word and means you don’t have what it takes to strut the runways in haute couture. You might want to keep that roast beef sandwich news to yourself, there Erika. She tells us how excited she is to possibly pretend to eat fast food on camera and the other girls complain that Erika is always on the phone with her agent or out at casting calls or other work-related things, the big phoney. I believe that’s called being a model, ladies. Believe it or not, most of you will not be getting your big break by losing on Project Runway, so she might be onto something… even if it is a beef and cheddar melt.

And later Fat Ma is yammering into Irish Kojii’s face about how in love she is with her designer, Logan (the one male designer claiming to be straight). She thinks he loves her back, too, because when she asked him why he chose his fabric he told her that he was thinking of her skin color, and that totally proves that he thinks of her as a person and not just a walking hanger. Um, actually Fat Ma, no it doesn’t. All it proves is that he checked out the color of his hanger to see which fabric would match. Sorry, but noticing that you’re black isn’t exactly a marriage proposal. Especially from someone who’s trying to win a design contest. She giggles about it for a while until Kojii chucks her out to get some beauty sleep.

The next day it’s off to Elimination! Out comes Heidi to showcase perfection and then here come the models in their black slips to showcase mediocrity.

They’re super nervous, in case you didn’t know. As the challenge winner, Shirin gets to choose her model first and she decides to reclaim Ebony, who was stolen from her last week. Matar is appalled. Did she not walk well? Did she not put clothes on and take them off again? Did she not sit in hair and makeup getting ready to go down the runway? It just goes to show you, model strategy means nothing. Christopher decides to keep obnoxious Katie, so I guess her diamond bracelet threats are working out for her. Speaking of which, Matar got SCREWED this week by getting NOTHING for walking in the winning outfit. Kalyn lucks out by being chosen by Irina, who obviously didn’t get to hear Kalyn’s assessment of Mitchell’s outfit in front of the judges. Ra’mon hesitates big time over whether to keep Vanessa. Apparently small boobs are just not his thing. But Althea (designer) seems about ready to jump out of her seat and rip Ra’mon’s head off if he dares to try and steal cheeto-eating Tanisha, so he chickens out and keeps Vanessa. Try some cheetos, Vanessa. This, of course, gives Cheetos a self esteem boost and she thinks she’s in like Flynn with Althea wanting her so desperately. When it’s Mitchell’s turn to choose the models all start shifting their weight uncomfortably and silently cursing Irina for taking Kalyn from him. I think everyone’s pretty sure that Mitchell is the next designer out the door and none of them want to be in the precarious position of being left dangling because of him. Mitchell promises that he’s learned his lesson and chooses Fat Ma, who does this as she walks offstage:

Nice strategy Fat Ma. Wasn’t that you earlier saying that even Mitchell could be the winner so it’s important to be friends with ALL the designers? I guess that’s out the window. And so is Fat Ma’s composure because she storms backstage ready to kill someone. Logan picks Kojii and Fat Ma is overcome with jealousy that Kojii is now paired with her man. Vanessa warns her to be nice or at least not to freak out in public and to that Fat Ma lashes out, telling her to back off and that she’s not going to show 40 teeth while the man of her dreams is slipping through her fingers and she’s getting paired with the worst designer of them all! I mean, how can she count on Mitchell to notice her skin tone, for crying out loud? Only designers who are in love with you do that!

Back on the runway, the final choice has come down to Epperson once again. He’s not at all pleased at being drawn last two weeks in a row and having to ruin another model’s dreams, but he stays with his model, other Erika (not the Arby’s one) and poor Valerie is out. She’s far more graceful about her elimination than Fat Ma is about having a new designer. Valerie says that she’s learned a lot from the other models (what? I’m serious, what has she learned?) and she takes her leave.

Next week Fat Ma continues her rampage… and her obsession with Logan. It looks like it may come to blows between her and Vanessa, so be sure to tune in to see them pull each other’s hair.

So how are you liking our lovely walking hangers? Do you think Kalyn has a future in diplomacy? Erika in fast food? Fat Ma in Logan’s life?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta