Models Of The Runway: Meet The Feebles

Welcome to season two of Models Of The Runway! Here’s hoping that they add some model challenges this year. Personally, I’d like to see the three worst models each week have to eat 1200 calories worth of food and not be allowed to barf it back up. The winner each week can have all the diet soda and tic tacs she wants. That is sure to get them stomping their little feet off!

 

Looks like we’ll be following the same format as last season, and so we pick up the show in the green room watching the models watch the eliminations about to happen on the runway. Which we all just watched about two minutes ago.

 

Fascinating! 

Christiane’s model Kelly is not only scared for her, she’s nervous. All she can think about is what’s going to happen.

 

To me!!!!!! 

Jesus’ model Brittany is also scared because out of all the dresses, they bashed his the hardest. I’m scared of her crazy-eyed smile.

 

All that’s missing is the pig’s blood. 

Of course we all know what happens. Heidi pulls an awesome fakeout with Jesus and then cuts Christiane from the competition. Loved it! Kelly can’t believe it, and she’s pretty sure she’s fucked. She tells the other models that she feels bad for her designer, but we (and they) all know that’s not true.

 

Sell it somewhere else sista! 

Holly (winning designer Emilio’s model) tells us that if she saw someone wearing that dress, even on the streets, she would be like “Ewwwwwww.” It was tacky.

Time for Christiane to say her good-byes. 

Kelly knows Christiane was really wanting this. For the both of them. Yeah, totally.

And then it’s Emilio’s turn to come in and give hugs to his model, Holly. She’s from just outside of Chicago, and she sees herself ultimately in modeling being a superstah.

 

Yup. I see it too. 

And now it’s time for their first Klum Klatch. 

 

You will never be as beautiful as me! Never! 

Kasey (23) from Salisbury, Maryland pops up to tells us that Heidi is a role model for her. She once saw her on TV from afar and she was starstruck. Hey, give the girl a break, those smaller televisions can make things look like they’re really far away.

 

I could barely see her, that screen was so tiny. 

Heidi asks them what they thought of the first runway, and one of the models says she is happy she didn’t fall. It really is the little things in life, isn’t it?

The next model we’re introduced to is Elizaveta (18) from Salzburg, Austria.

 

Ohmygod! I’m from Salisbury too! Besties! 

Elizaveta speaks Russian, Ukrainian, English, French, German, and she’s learning Arabic and Farsi. She does not however speak Ping.

 

I am not fluent in cuckoo. 

Heidi asks her if that dancing move was something she wanted to do, or did PingPong ask her to do that. She’s like, “Really, Heidi? What the fuck do YOU think??” Nah, she’s way too meek to give Heidi lip, but we all know it was PingPong’s choreography.

 

I just loved it, yes I did!! 

Elizaveta tells Heidi that PingPong had an even longer dance routine worked out, but she talked her out of it. Booooooo Elizaveta! Don’t worry Heidi, Elizaveta is totally comfortable in PingPong’s clothes, she was only uncomfortable in what she was asked to do. Big diff.

 

Crazy people scare me. 

Moving on, Heidi tells Holly (is it just me, or does she look a little manly?) that they all thought she did a fantastic job today. She also really helped the dress. I don’t know how and Heidi doesn’t elaborate, so I guess we’ll just have to take her word for it. Holly is really happy that Heidi thinks she was the best.

 

Suck it, bitches! 

But there were a few others that didn’t impress them. Specifically Kelly and Elizaveta. Veta agrees with Heidi, and you can already tell that this girl is going to be beating herself up the entire time she is here. Heidi tells Kelly she looked very old.

 

Whatever, Grandma. 

Heidi wants to know if they’re nervous for their first elimination (duh), and then she goes over the prizes for the winning model. A fashion spread in Marie Claire magazine, and $25,000 from L’Oreal. 

 

Becaush yor wortit! 

And that’s it for this week’s Klum Klatch session. See you on the runway!

The models head over to their New York City apartment which is decorated with pictures of their designers. How long do you think it will be before they starting drawing black teeth and mustaches on those pictures?

No time to talk about that because we’re now going to meet Alexis (24) from Denver, Colorado. She thinks this is the most amazing apartment and she immediately ran into all the rooms to see which one she would want. I think it would have been hilarious if she ended up with no room because she was too busy running around looking at rooms. 

Someone having no trouble claiming a bed is Alison (23) originally from Ohio but now living in L.A. She got kicked out of her models’ apartment when she was sixteen because she’s a slut.

 

I miss cock. 

She’s happy to see Sarah who is also from Ohio. Sarah tells us they have lived together before, so that’s kind of funny.

 

It was hilarious when she fucked my boyfriend. 

Sophia (25) is from L.A. She thinks that the most difficult part about living with a lot of girls is finding that space that just belongs to you. She wastes no time at all trying to divide the closet space into eight sections. She had a bad experience in Paris with roommates that were incredibly dirty and she hopes she doesn’t have to go through that again.

 

Are any of you bitches French? 

Next up is Brandise. She’s 32 years old (eek!) and she’s from Sasquatch, Canada. She thinks being her age will be a positive because she has more life experience, and those frown lines are sure to come in handy.

She’s been to New York a million times. So have I, but it doesn’t mean I’d be any good at modeling. She’s had a million different jobs. Me too! Has had to deal with more of a variety than someone who is fifteen or sixteen years old. Hey! I think I’m in the wrong profession! Looks like I could be an old ass model after all!

Brandise and Slutty bond over their love of guitars until Slutty starts singing about being moon-drenched.

 

Don’t you know if you go out with wet hair you’ll catch cold? I’ve done it a million times. It’s no fun. 

Oh my god! I think Slutty should totally audition for American Idol with this song! Simon would love it!

You’re staring at the moon and I don’t wanna wake you up 

You look so moon-drenched. 

Well, you give me watermelon, I’ll sleep in the tub next to you, 

I love you so much. 

Dream, dream, dream, dreee-am. 

I like to think we dream at the same time. 

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!! What the fuck was that? Did she write it herself? Whoever wrote that had to be stoned when they did. You know how even the dumbest thing seems genius when you’re high?

 

So pretty! 

One of the girls tells us she loves everyone. I don’t know who the hell she is. Oh well, let’s exercise!

 

I’ll just watch, thanks. 

Anyway, random girl feels like all these girls are her friends and when she leaves here they will still all be her friends. But not Sophia. Know why? Yep, you guessed it. She is not here to make friends.

 

These bitches may not be French, but I bet they’re still dirty. 

The next day the models head out to meet with their runway coach, but before we leave we check back in with Alexis who tells us she would describe her personality as a free spirit, and, oh, by the way, her religion is witchcraft, but WHITE magic, not BLACK magic.

 

Racist. 

Witchie Poo thinks her biggest issue with her walk is that she walks too sexy. At least that’s what they told her at the last Sabbat.

Sophia is not looking forward to the runway training. She’s been in the modeling industry for quite some time and she doesn’t need anyone to tell her how to walk. And by the way, she’s not here to make any friends, mmmkay?

Their runway coach’s name is Anastazia, and she is possibly German or Eastern European. She is also quite bitchy so naturally I LOVE her. She tells the girls she is a working model, professional model, professional runway model. She has done about four thousand five hundred show, so she is going to try and teach them a little how to be a runway model.

Is anybody of you done catwalk? Slutty raises her hand, but I think she might be confusing DONE catwalk with DONE IT ON the catwalk. I can see how that could be confusing. We can’t see who else has experience, but obviously other people have raised their hands because Anastazia wants to know how many times.  Old Eyes yells out “Forty five hundred and one.”

 

Aren’t I hilarious?  

Oh Old Eyes, you should never fuck with a German/East European, they will fuck up your world. 

 

Great, you’re first Miss Smart Ass. By the way…..how old are you? 

Anastazia tells them what they’re going to do is show her their walk and then she will say what is their mistakes; she is sure they all have one. “Girl number five thousand and one show, show me what you got.” Can Anastazia be on every week? I think I love her.

Old Eyes does her walk for Anastazia and she tells her that is what we call horse walking.  LOL. Old Eyes is not liking being told what is wrong with her walk by someone who has less experience than her. Maybe next time she’ll keep her mouth shut.

A few others walk but we don’t get to hear their comments, and then Anastazia tells Veta that she looks terrified. Would you be shocked if I told you Veta agrees with what she said? I didn’t think so. Kelly is also a horse walker, but she doesn’t have a stank ass attitude, so she does what Anastazia asks her to do and is told her walk is better. 

And then the coaching session is over and Anastazia tells them she had fun and she hopes they did too.

 

Fun-O-Meter Reading: 0 

Back at the Anorexia Apartments, Sarah is telling Slutty that she just realized that someone is getting eliminated. And it could be her.

 

Thinking is haaard. 

 

Uh, my ten year old niece has the same bedding.  

The next morning over muesli, the models are discussing the fact that someone is going to go home today. Megan is going to be sad because she feels like they all have a relationship with each person. Alexis will be sad, but not so sad because she’s looking forward to having less girls here. 

 

But not me; I cast a spell on my designer, so I’m safe. The rest of you bitches can get the fuck out. 

Let’s head on over to the runway!

You all know how this works, right? There are fifteen designers left, but sixteen models standing here. In the end there will be one model on the runway. That model will be owt. Before the designers make their decisions Heidi tells them that the judges felt that Holly was the best model on the runway this week. 

 

I’d like orange flavored tic tacs and diet coke please. 

Emilio was the winner of the challenge so he gets to pick first. Of course he sticks with Holly. Anna’s next and she stays with Cerri. We haven’t met Cerri yet.

 

Consider yourself introduced. 

Also sticking with their models are Ben (Sophia) and Mila (Witchie Poo). Jay apologizes to Kasey before picking her again. Hee! That was a little mean and I loved it! We keep going through the designers, each picking the model they had before. 

 

I am so fucked. 

The last designer to pick is PingPong, and it’s not surprising that her model, Veta, and Kelly are the last two girls on the runway. Veta tells us PingPong is a very emotional person, and she is already crying about having to send one of these girls home. Veta says she’s hard to gauge, but she thinks PingPong likes her pretty well.

Kelly is hoping that the tears mean PingPong is sad about getting rid of Veta. 

 

Poor PingPong. 

PingPong has made her decision. She tells Kelly that even though she doesn’t know her name she thinks she has a nice body shape and she would love to work with her, but not enough to fuck over her original model.

Kelly, you’re owt.

 

Miss you, mean it! 

 Kelly throws out a couple of cliches to try to make herself feel better. Everything happens for a reason. God works in mysterious ways. Who knows what’s next in store for her?

 

I see a flight home in your future. 

Ohmygod you guys! I’m totally psychic!!

And thus ends week one. Were you sad to see Kelly go? Did you even care? Did anyone love Anastazia as much as I did? 

This season on Models Of The Runway……designers keep switching their models! How dare they!! The judges love Laurena! Well, once at least! Witchie Poo thinks she’s one of the top girls! Irish girl wants to smack someone and she says no to a designer!!! I wonder if I keep typing exclamation points will that make the season more exciting!!!!! I’m sure hoping that there’s more drama in the weeks to come than there was in this episode.

Thanks for reading, and a special shout out to Honey Gangsta who turned this snoozefest into something hilarious every week last season. Honey, I may be calling you for tips! In the meantime….

 

Please take a few tic tacs to tide you over until next week! 

 

SWAK, PottyMouth