Moments before… Kojii and Valerie sit backstage biting their nails to the nub because their misguided senses of fashion have landed their designers in the bottom two. This week the designers had to make outfits for their Models of the Runway to wear to an “industry function” and their instructions were to listen to what the models wanted, then make something spectacular.
Some of them didn’t.
These kinds of challenges can get sticky because the designers want to please their “clients,” but sometimes clients (and I will say ESPECIALLY models) don’t have any idea what is actually fashionable and attractive. Case in point: Ebony (who we’ve never even met, but is, in fact, one of our models) wants Shirin to make her a royal blue and gold jumpsuit. That’s correct, a jumpsuit. She says she likes to stand out. Right Ebony, but jumpsuits are for standing out at the door of a speeding airplane with a parachute strapped to your back, not hobnobbing with possible future employers. See what I mean? NEVER leave it up to a model. Get their thoughts, then do your own interpretation. That’s exactly what Shirin did, and Ebony modeled this:
And Shirin did not get sent home for sewing a tacky blue and gold skydiving outfit. On the other hand, Kojii told her designer Logan that she wanted a 50′s housewife dress made of lace and leather. That just sounds completely misguided to me so Logan should have just used those as buzzwords and come up with his own thing. Instead he tried his best to please Kojii and sent her down the runway in this:
She just looks like a gothic ballerina. She says that she was afraid her sense of style wouldn’t mesh with the judges’ so she feels bad for getting Logan a bad review. Still Logan’s fault, though. He’s the one who made it. In Valerie’s case, all she told Qristyl is that she wanted something flattering to show off her curves and that will stand out. Again with the standing out. I guess you’ve got to do something when you’re a skeleton in a lineup of skeletons. Anyway, Valerie pretty much left Qristyl wide open to do whatever she wanted and she came up with this:
Which the judges detested. It’s just boring. Heidi said it aged Valerie five to ten years, which for a model is like dog years and when Valerie said she liked the dress the snippy guest judge said, “Well that’s why Valerie’s not a designer… thank god!” Oh excuse us, Miss All-Important… wait. Who the crap are you? Valerie may not be a designer, but she IS a consumer and wouldn’t the opinion of a consumer be somewhat important? Plus she was trying to stick up for her designer after really giving her license to do whatever she wanted, so I kind of feel bad for Valerie here, but oh well. Qristyl is just turning out to suck and Valerie can’t do much about that. As for the winning outfit, Cheetos got to model that. All we hear from her designer Althea is that Cheetos came to her with a great sense of style. Here’s how it came out:
I’m pretty much at a loss as to why this is groundbreaking. It’s not even an exciting color palette. But the judges swooned over it – I think partly because it is three pieces and not just one, so whatever. Cheetos is the hero for five seconds and Althea is totally in love with her, so she’s probably safe. Cheetos goes rushing into the designers’ holding tank to congratulate Althea and Althea tells everyone that Heidi said Cheetos had the best walk of all the models. She strutted like she MEANT IT. Take notes, everyone. Back in the model tank, Emarie laments steering her designer (meth-addicted Johnny) the wrong way by saying she loved her purple dress when the judges said it looked like a bridesmaid and the world didn’t need another one of those dresses. Again, the designer’s fault, not the model’s. The rest of the models commiserate, saying they thought the bridesmaid dress was cute. Well, we can all thank our lucky stars they’re not designers I suppose. Otherwise we’d all be walking around looking like ancient bridesmaids with no other choice.
Qristyl comes backstage to say goodbye and Valerie is gracious, but she’s really nervous because she is only back this week by the skin of her teeth since Arby’s Erika dropped out to go and film a roast beef eating demonstration. Now it looks like Valerie is once again in danger.
“If you had boobs, I’d squeeze them goodbye.”
Time to meet with Heidi! Heidi asks if the girls had fun this week and Cheetos pipes right up, saying she had a blast and she’s always wanted to design something that was “her.” Cool it, Cheetos. You had a conversation and then stood still for a fitting. You designed zilch, so don’t take too much credit there. One of the girls asks Heidi how firm they should be with the designers. Firm? Is she serious? They shouldn’t even talk, their job is to WALK! Maybe she just meant for a challenge like this when they are acting as clients. Even still, the more they blab, the more at fault they’ll be. I’m still of the opinion that they should give some general ideas, then shut the flip up. Let the designers design and then answer for it. Heidi says they shouldn’t be too harsh because they want the designers to pick them again, don’t they? Yes, just quiet down, girls. Whose idea was it to let the models talk this much anyway?
“Who said you could talk?”
Next item of business! Tara needs to step it up! She can be much more powerful on the runway. To me Tara just looks like she’s about to topple over. Like the weight of her head is just too much for her scrawny little body. I’m not sure how powerful you can be at a strapping 85 pounds.
You can almost see her hip dislocating.
Tara reddens to Heidi’s satisfaction so she wishes everyone luck and says she’ll see them again to kick one of them “auf.”
Back at the modelplex the girls are exhausted from another day of changing clothes. Cheetos takes a moment to share with us that she, Vanessa and Lisa call themselves the Dream Team. Excuse me, why? Cheetos says it’s because they all clicked and try to stay focused and positive. Okay, that makes no sense, but that’s nothing new for these girls. Oh and in case you’re wondering who Lisa is, here:
“33.3% of the Dream Team, thank you very much!”
I know, stunning, isn’t she? Cheetos goes on, saying that as the competition continues, she sees the “jealous face” a lot from the other girls. Here are some examples:
See, I would just think that those are regular confused model faces. But I guess it’s impossible to be immersed in a lifestyle where everything centers around your looks and not start thinking everyone is jealous of you. It must come with the territory. Along with being jealous of everyone else in return. Cheetos tells us she hates to sound self-absorbed, but she really is god’s gift to modeling and the world in general. Okay, maybe she just said she wants to win, but it was just as dumb.
Ooh, later Heidi condescends to pay a live-and-in-person visit to the modelplex! It’s these girls’ lucky week! Emarie knows it!
“OMG! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! OMG!”
She asks Heidi if she likes the modelplex and Heidi goes, “What do you mean do I like it? Who do you think put the curtains up?” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Oh right! Like Heidi Klum took time out from her glamorous mirror-gazing schedule to stand on a step ladder and hang curtains! Sorry, but ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Not a chance! Heidi wants to see what’s in the fridge and it’s surprisingly bursting.
Any solids in there?
There are still 13 of them though, so I guess if they each have a six pack of Diet Coke and some non-fat coffee creamer that’s about right. Oh and champagne. Heidi finds some yogurt that is labeled with a warning and we discover that Kojii has been sick and washing down raw garlic with yogurt. So European, I love it. And I’ll have to try that yogurt trick. Heidi sits the girls down to tell them about this industry function that has been arranged for them to wear their personalized outfits to. It will be downtown at the Elevate lounge and will include photographers, agents and stylists. Basically a chance for them to network and an excuse for the last challenge.
Next the girls each get a hair consultation with a Garnier specialist. Okay, I have to point out here that this Garnier sponsorship cracks me up. It’s not like Paul Mitchell, Sebastian, or even Bonacure or Bed Head. It’s freaking Garnier, which is a two dollar drugstore brand! You think Heidi Klum uses that crap? I am the world’s least picky hair product person (I have very low maintenance hair and I am uncoordinated) and I wouldn’t even use Garnier. I’ve tried it and it’s poop. But carry on, Philip Carreon (perfect!). Let’s hear your Garnier pearls of hair wisdom. All we really see is him pimping out some Garnier Nutrisse to unpowerful Tara to give her base color a lift. There must be a huge wait list to see this guy.
“Now see, you have DARK hair.”
As the girls primp up for their function, they take turns telling us whether or not they will be sporting their outfits from the challenge. Cheetos is wearing hers proudly as the big winner. Tara will wear the gold dress she modeled poorly even though her butt was hanging out of it. Valerie doesn’t want to look 100 years old so she decides not to wear hers. Kojii decides the same. Emarie decides that she’s going to stand by Meth Johnny and wear her purple bridesmaid dress. Oh, walk on the edge, Emarie.
As we embark on the function Kalyn takes a minute to tell us that she “really likes parties.” I remember that pink was also “one of her favorite colors.” The Dream Team stands around only talking to each other and saying “Living the dream!” in unison. LOL.
Wait, that’s not Vanessa! Who messed with the Dream Team??
We see Christian Audigier from Ed Hardy inviting Valerie to participate in his next runway show, so good for her. He even has her walk back and forth, so this is turning out to be a working function, not just a networking function. There are a couple of editors from Marie Claire who are checking out the girls’ outfits (including one of the fill-in judges) and Cheetos goes up to her and whines, “I want a spread in Marie Claire. Is that baaaaaaaaaaaaaad?” Have another one, Cheetos! It looks like Vanessa has also knocked a couple back because she is in a corner pouring her heart out to Emarie, saying how wonderful it is to meet someone she can trust. Emarie is like, “Me too!” and I swear I think they’re going to start crying. Valerie frets that she might go home (for the second time) while Katie looks bored. Good thing she booked that Ed Hardy gig. What’s next?
Apparently Kojii’s family – her mom, her husband, her daughter and her dog – have somehow received clearance to visit the modelplex. They burst through the door with gifts and Kojii tells us that her daughter already acts like a little model. Uh oh. She ponders once again that maybe she should just be a full-time mom, but she can’t be a hypocrite, telling her daughter to follow her dreams if she didn’t follow her own. Oh that is total bull crap. It IS actually possible to have your own life BEFORE becoming a mother (especially if your dream is modeling, which has a life expectancy of ten years, tops), but that would entail not having children in your early 20′s so Kojii’s up a creek.
Already learning to spurn food.
Time for Elimination! Remember, your model can make or break your outfit.
Today Heidi is a prisoner of fashion!
As the winner Althea goes first, and she kisses Cheetos’ butt and picks her again. Louise stays with Fat Ma. Giordana stays with non-powerful Tara, and on and on. In fact, every designer stays with their previous model and that leaves… Valerie. Off to your Ed Hardy show! There’s money to be made and it ain’t here waiting around to be paired with a good designer. Poor Valerie. Out, in and out again. Those are the breaks on the runway, ladies so dry those eyes. Valerie graciously departs… again, and we’re out.
Next week, Katie accuses someone of “eyeing” her designer. What a ho. Fat Ma points out that in America everyone is “suffering from” obesity. HA! No one in your modelplex, Fat Ma, so calm down. She says that all of our freedoms make us want to kill ourselves. I would say it’s more your show than my freedom to eat making me long for a sharp object, Fat Ma. Believe it or not, we also have freedom to go to the gym.
So how is everyone hanging in there? Are you gravitating towards any models yet? Or just toward the center of the earth in all of your obese American glory?
Thanks for reading!