Models of the Runway: A Model Misunderstands

Moments before… I was watching Mad Men and trying to guess what the episode might TRULY be about before I find out for reals on the interwebs tomorrow. I love that show, but every time I read commentary on it, I realize it’s way over my head. So many layers. So much symbolism and hidden meaning. So many contradictions. Smart people watch and deconstruct the universe. I watch and wish I could do my hair like Betty’s. And that’s why I’m here to bring you the latest and greatest from Models of the Runway!So what’s going on in the world of the brainless? From the holding tank Kojii gives us one of our much anticipated, long awaited model quotes: “I think it’s horrible that one of the girls is going to have to go home and there’s nothing that any of us can do about it.” Ding, ding! Glad you finally caught up, Kojii, because that is a key element to this show. One of you is going home EVERY EPISODE and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Now, she may have meant this on a deeper level, in that she could be vocalizing the frustration that the models are merely pawns in this grand chess match we call Project Runway. Nothing they ever say or do makes any difference and they are at the total mercy of the designers and judges. That is also true, and a thought which required much more cerebral effort to formulate. AND makes this companion series all that much more useless and boring, but here we are. Celine is in frenzy because Logan really blew it this time and she’s not sure of her popularity among the designers. Yes, we’re back for another episode of this.

This time I’m more confused than ever because our beloved models didn’t even get to model this week. Instead, a bunch of divorcees got their wedding gowns made over into some supposedly cool outfit for them to start their new lives in. And I’ve got to go ahead and say here that nothing I saw coming down the runway made me the least bit excited to start anything – certainly not to start this recap. I wasn’t even crazy about Gordana’s winning gray fraying thing.

Nothing against Gordana as a person, but I wouldn’t wear that rag. I go for more high-end fashion, like Old Navy. Celine has a point, though. Logan’s outfit sucked BUNS. That was such a frumpy pile of trash, the only thing that lady should be starting is a trip to Goodwill.

And was gray the only available dye this week? Sheesh. My favorite was probably Shirin’s, but even that just made the divorcee look like she was ready to start a tennis match.

So what are we going to watch with the models? Let me guess – them fretting that they may be eliminated. Shall I just skip to the end now? Inexplicably Gordana still comes into the model tank to be congratulated, even though no one in here wore her outfit. The girls wonder whether Gordana will pick Tara or Mater. Oh the suspense! And now here’s Epperson for his send-off from the models. Smell ya later, airheads. Smell YOU later, dread locks. Aw, poor Epperson. He did some cool stuff from time to time.

Heidi Time! Heidi wants to know how this week went for the girls and they all say they had SO MUCH FUN! What, watching? Oh, it seems that they got to give the divorcees modeling lessons.

And NOW we understand the significance of the girls’ runway coaching session from The Great Pumpkin last week. It’s all coming full circle. In model class Cheetos takes the lead and shows her divorcee all about how the models always start off BEHIND the Project Runway screen doing a pose, and THEN they come out and walk down the runway.

Wait, start over, Cheetos. I’m confused. But she doesn’t start over and continues right down the runway where she holds a pose for three seconds and then WALKS BACK. I’m so lost. This is HARD! There’s even something about a “closing pose” and I give up. I hope I can borrow notes from someone else if I am ever called upon to walk a runway. Wait, one of the divorcees just does a Soul Train dance down the runway, and I call dibbs on that. That’s what I’d do too.

So Heidi mentions that the models are going to take the divorcees out for drinks tonight and the plan for this episode is unfolding. Or at least we get a new venue at which they can sit around fretting.

Sure enough, all the models and all the divorcees meet up at the Red Pearl Kitchen to get wasted. Partaaaaay! Interesting tidbits from the drunken conversation: Katie tells Celine that her boobs need to take out ad space in the LA Times because they are always exposed. Celine has boobs? One divorcee advises Kalyn to wait a few years before getting married. Kalyn is 19, did we really need to say that out loud? Wait, Kalyn is from Texas, so yes we did. Kojii says the divorcees are all really confident and a blast to hang out with, and I’m hearing a little of her brogue for the first time ever. Oh wait, hold everything! One of the divorcees has written a poem about her Project Runway experience that she will now recite, poetry-slam style. Here it is:

Project Runway designer, my ex was a drag.
Why should keep this old white rag?
Project Runway designer, please don’t look so grim,
Just make it work! Listen to Tim.

Wow, that was inspiring. I’m going to elope ASAP, just so I can become a divorcee like her and have my wedding dress chopped up into frump-wear.

Well wouldn’t you know it? The next day the girls sit around worrying about who will be eliminated! I guess this means that last week’s selection is simply null and void because we’re starting all over and choosing again, even though last week’s pairings haven’t been utilized. But before we get to all that the girls are going out again! This time sans divorcees. Getting dressed, Kalyn checks herself out in a mirror and is delighted to discover that it’s a skinny mirror! Oh is it now? Have we also been watching through skinny cameras? I mean, how much skinnier does she want to look?

Oh wait, she’s a model, so the closer to death, the better. Seriously. I’ve seen these high fashion runway shows (on my computer). I just keep thinking: concentration camp liberation day. That’s what they all look like to me, but luckily Kalyn found a skinny mirror! What do I say to that? Anyway, later the girls sip cocktails at a club and wonder who will be eliminated. Riveting.

Elimination Day! Heidi reminds the designers that on this last challenge they used everyday-women, but for this next challenge, they will be allowed, once again, to use their Models of the Runway. Remember, a model can make or break a look! As the winner, Gordana chooses first and everyone thinks that she’s going to pick Tara because, well it seems that Gordana told Tara she would. But before she can choose, one of the models lets one rip. And thanks to the brilliant editors of this piece of crap, it’s not even a funny moment. The girls start giggling and Heidi goes, “What happened? Someone farted? It wasn’t me!” Oh thanks, Heidi, because everyone knows that the sublime Heidi Klum NEVER passes gas. I’m surprised she even knows the word “fart.”

But for our pinnacles of intelligence up there in their matching black slips, this is the funniest thing to happen EVER. I wish I could laugh too, but alas, the creators have made sure to make this moment as unfunny as possible.

Well Gordana chooses Mater, who is NOT Tara. Tara is all befuddled since Gordana had promised to choose her. Hmm, what’s that about? When Althea chooses Cheetos, Gordana whispers that she thought she was going to pick Tara. Oh okay, so Gordana thought that Tara would work with Althea this week, then she’d get her back. Ah well, the best laid plans of mice and men… And sure enough, Tara is left dangling on the runway after all is said and done. Backstage Gordana bursts into tears. When Tara comes to tell her goodbye she just sobs that it was a huge misunderstanding. The two of them stand there bawling and hugging goodbye.

Tara says that she didn’t want to get sent home based on a miscommunication. Eh, I don’t know that being universally rejected by the remaining designers would have been better, Tara, but what’s done is done. And done. And done.

Next week! The girls go on a casting for Garnier! Wow, a casting call for a crappy hair product! And they have to SPEAK as part of their audition! This is looking like America’s Next Top Model territory, but that’s probably just wishful thinking. Also, the girls wonder who will be eliminated. See you then!

So how are we hanging in there? Anyone know where I can get me a skinny mirror? I would love to be blissfully deluded every morning on my way to work.

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta