Hey Gasmi, and welcome to this week’s edition of Who’s the Biggest Idiot?, or as NBC likes to call it, Momma’s Boys. Behind door number one, we have Michael and Lorraine. Lorraine is desperately trying to get Michael’s attention away from a blonde porn star to a brunette, and unbeknownst to her, porn star. Hair color is tricky, ya’all! Behind door number two, we have Rob and Esther. Rob is getting his mack on with two girls, one who is not Jewish, much to Esther’s dismay. And finally, door number three: JoJo and KKK. KKK is desperately trying to get her kid to NOT pick any girl because no one is good enough, and JoJo is secretly relieved because I still think he likes boys more then girls. So let’s get this circus show started after the jump, and let’s play Who’s the Biggest Idiot!
The boys just handed out invites to the US Virgin Islands. Michael has invited Bangs, Slutty Meghan and secret playmate Erica. Rob invited Nikki (who?), Lauren and Camilla. JoJo invited Mindy and Julie (all together now–who?) and his momma, who ripped her invite up because all the girls are hoes.
Back the house, Lorraine is calling Meghan a hoe, saying her look is hard and not classy. She envisions a more wholesome girl, like Erica. She goes on to dig herself deeper in the idiot hole by saying that she never found an adult magazine in her house, even then she grew up with two brothers and a dad. I say you didn’t look hard enough, because adults mags are pretty much a rite of passage for the teenaged set. Of course, she’s saying all of this right in front of Little Erica, who keeps her whoreish mouth shut. She then preaches about how your body is a sacred temple that wasn’t designed to be exploited that way.
Erica interviews that despite sticking joysticks and dildos in her vagina and letting people take pictures of her doing it, she really is a wholesome girl. She then fake cries and its super annoying.
At USVI, the group meets up at Coral World, which is probably as much fun as it sounds. The moms have their claws out. KKK is already in JoJo’s ear talking smack about the girls, and JoJo asks her not to be so negative. Um, JoJo, have you met your mother? Esther is letting her inner-bitch shine like the sun, interviewing that there is no way her Robbie will be fighting for Camilla because she’s not Jewish. Anyone else notice that she never says anything about Nikki? Either she’s using the not Jewish card on Camilla when she really doesn’t like her because she’s black, or Nikki is as non-important to everyone else as she is to us. Seriously, where has she been the last 5 episodes? I don’t think Esther is as evil as KKK, so I hope its the second one.
Team Michael gets to swim with the sea lions. Michael can’t keep his eyes or hands of Meghan, calling him his 10. Lorraine, get the boys eyes checked when you get home, because homegirl definitely is a little rough around the edges.
JoJo’s Girls (who he probably secretly wishes were Boys) play with the sea turtles. One of them splashes KKK and she looks like she wants to drop-kick it back into the ocean. The lady is full of love! Out of nowhere, she says “Oh man, Mindy, you got big boobies.” WTF? Note to KKK: guys like big boobies! Unless they are gay, LIKE YOUR SON ASSUREDLY IS. Cue the awkward silence, even from JoJo. She keeps on about how big Mindy’s boobs are, making the whole group uncomfortable. Even the sea turtles would rather be somewhere else.
Awwwwkward. This bitch is crazy, lets get the f outta here man!
Mindy says she was upset and uncomfortable about how KKK kept on talking about her boobs in front of everyone. How about being mad at JoJo for letting his mom do it? KKK tells Mindy “Too bad, that’s my personality. Deal with it.”
Team Michael goes speed sailing, and Lorraine comments how everyone looks beautiful, except Meghan. Meghan dared to wear a babydoll dress that is “lifting everytime the wind blows.” Dude, its not like she’s naked underneath the dress, she has a bathing suit on. And shit, even if she is naked under there, anyone with $5 for a copy of Playboy has already seen it.
Back at the dock, Michael has to pick someone for a private date and he picks Meghan. Their private date is kinda sucky, just drinks on the beach. I guess Seacrest doesn’t have the same budget as the Bachelor. Over drinks, Meghan tells Michael that his mom wants to put her in a dress and take her to church, where the walls will surely crumble when she enters. She tries to say nice stuff about Lorraine, but says she can’t get past the whole Playboy thing. Michael mentions that its also an issue for him, not wanting every guy in America to his girls stuff.
After what happened that last time I went to church, I’m not sure if I’ll be allowed back.
Lorraine is at home checking her watch every 15 seconds, while Michael and Megan are making out in the ocean and re-creating Endless Love on the beach. Lorraine gives a pep talk to Erica, tlling her to be more agressive in getting Micheal’s attention.
Michael interviews that he knows his mom hates Meghan, but it’s time for him to “be a man” and do what he wants. Congratulations, it only took you 25 years and a shot at banging a playboy model to realize that. Huzzah! How about moving out of her house? Thats pretty manly. Paying your own bills? I don’t know, dressing yourself? Baby steps, though.
Next up is Mindy and JoJo’s private date. JoJo interviews that its impossible not to like Mindy, but has he talked to his mom in the last 5 minutes? Their private date is a picnic on the beach. Mindy wastes no time bringing up KKK, saying she loves his mom (liar!) and respects her (your pants are on fire!) but there needs to be a balance between the women in JoJo’s life. She point-blank asks JoJo if he could defend someone he dates.
But then she’ll beat me!
He says that he wouldn’t make an argument right there, and I say you are a big, fat vagina, boy. JoJo interviews that he’s falling for Mindy, and will need to confront his mother about her ‘tude with Mindy. At that kids, is how World War 3 started.
As the sun sets, the mosquitoes start to attack, so the lovebirds head into the ocean to make out. Both interview that they feel butterflies and seem pretty smitten with each other. They kiss and whisper sweet nothings to each other. Awwwww. If only I didn’t hate your family so much, I might find this endearing.
Finally, Rob gets some screen time! Him and Camilla go to St. Johns and hit up a boutique. Rob picks out an outfit for Camila (which is actually very cute, I’m impressed Robbie) and Camilla picks out a hideous, but island-appropriate shirt for Rob. I swear they pay for this stuff with their own money, but cant be sure. Esther voice overs that she thinks they are more friends then romantic interests, but just because you wish it, doesn’t make it true.
Next, they go to a jewelry store to try on stuff. Anyone else think this is an odd and sucky date? Rob is putting earrings in Camilla’s ears and snapping necklaces on her. Robbie is kinda cute, saying he took his time putting the jewelry on her because he enjoyed being close to her. He then says “what can I say, I got game.” Pardon me while I laugh hysterically.
Camilla says they are looking, not buying, and out the door they go. The start an interesting conversation about hip-hop, which Rob claims to be a fan of. He then does the Young Joc dance and I literally CRINGE. I am not exaggerating, I put my hands over my eyes.
Rob and Camila are sightseeing and stop for their first kiss. It’s not as cringe-inducing as his dancing, but its pretty damn awkward.
Over lunch, they talk about how their families will react to them bringing home someone of another race. Camilla says her family wants her to be happy and race is a non-issue. Robbie says that it is an issue for him mom, who always thought he’d end up with a white Jewish girl, but he’s past the point of caring what his mom thinks because he’s digging on her. Rob is officially my favorite momma’s boy (which is not that hard with this group of losers) but I give him props for being his own man but still respecting his mom. Rob reaches underneath the table to give Camilla a present–the jewelry that they tried on earlier.
Ok, NOW I get how Robbie scores.
Back at the mansion, Esther is totally kvetching over how long Rob and Camilla’s date has lasted. Her theory is Camilla needs much more time to convince Rob that she’s the girl for him. It seems like she’s doing a pretty good job, because the camera shows them getting their groove on in the hot tub. This time, the kissing is much more passionate and less cringe-inducing. Yay, Rob–get you some!
Camilla comes home to everyone waiting for her to dish the details. She talks about how Robbie bought her the jewelry, and Esther, I quote, says “when you’re on someone else’s bank account…..you don’t….count.” Um, what?
Camilla talks about the shirt that she bought Robbie, and Esther reacts like she just said they sacrificed small children to a pagan god. Esther says Robbie will burn it the minute he gets home, because her bubbe doesn’t wear flowered shirts!
The next day, Bangs and Michael go on their private date. They scuba dive and share an underwater kiss, which seems pretty stupid to me. Nothing says romance like a mouth full of ocean.
After diving, they eat lunch. Bangs is all smiley and giggly, and Michael seems like he’s only half-interested. He’s probably thinking of Meghan’s playboy spread. They share another kiss, and I’m still calling not interested on Michael’s part.
No, I like it when your body is a full foot away from mine. More room for the holy spirit.
Esther visits her bubbe at his hotel, and asks him about Camilla. Robbie says he really likes her, and Esther replies “well, it’s too bad she’s going home tonight.” Me-OW, Esther. Robbie argues that she’s so against Camilla, but not Nikki, and neither of them are Jewish. Ohhhh, called out by your own son Da-yum!
Robbie asks her what Lauren has that Camilla doesn’t, and all Esther can come up with is that she’s Jewish and doesn’t have to LEARN about their past.
Lorraine and Michael are having a similar conversation about Meghan. Lorraine tells Michael that Meghan should go home because she dresses provocative, but she says it per-rog-a-tive. Just say slutty Lorraine, it’s easier on your brain. Michael says sorry ma, but I ain’t sending her home becuase she wasn’t wearing jeans and a turtleneck. Lorraine really lays down a guilt trip, saying if you’ve ever trusted me, trust me now, she’s not the girl for you. She then tells a barf-inducing story about how some Coral World worker thought Erica was her daughter and it melted her heart. Let’s see how melty your heart gets when you find out about her porno past! As if she couldn’t sound any stupider, she tells Michael she doesn’t think she’s leading Michael in the wrong direction, and he’ll be pleasantly surprised when he spends quality time with Erica. Insert porno joke here, I’m sure there’s many.
It’s time for the elimination ceremony, which we’re told is the “most important one ever.” Lorriane mentions this one also has a twist. Each boy will send one of their girls home, and each mom will select the one girl that they think is best for their son to have one final romantic date with. Lorraine is up first and makes her choice. She says the girl she picks is a perfect match for Michael and her family and Bangs eyes light up because she totally thinks its her. Of course, she picks Erica.
Esther is next and again, no surprise, picks Lauren. Over to KKK, who is already crying. She says “I can’t do it” over and over again, saying she came to this island looking for someone her son could fall in love with (bullshit, she didn’t even give these girls a chance) but neither of them are good enough. So once again, she doesn’t pick anyone for her precious JoJo.
Next, Michael tells us that its the boys turn to pick a lady, and the other girl is going home. He tells Meghan that spending time with her is like a movie and she’s everyman’s dream. To Bangs, he gives a half-hearted “I like you alot.”
Bitch, if he picks you over me, I swear I’ll pop your silicon in your sleep.
Michael doesn’t have the balls to pick either girl, so he’s going to do what he’s done the last 25 years, and do what his mom wants. Lorraine’s eyes nearly pop out of her head as he sends Meghan packing. He tells Meghan that this is the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life, which I totally believe since he’s depended on mommy for everything.
Rob’s up next, and since we Nikki hasn’t even opened her mouth this episode, we can probably guess what’s going to happen. He picks Camilla.
JoJo’s next, and someone has to go, where it’s going to be her “against his mom.” Wait, what? Is that really the finale, the guys have to chose against a girl they can bang and their mom (who hopefully they don’t want to bang)? Again, no surprise here. He picks Mindy, and he gets pretty choked up doing it.
KKK is of course not happy that her boy is falling in love with Mindy. She once again says this is HELL! Esther is also pissed at her boy.
Season finale is this week, and FINALLY, we have the big reveal. Want to start a friendly wager on who ends up with who? My guesses are Mindy and JoJo, Michael and Lauren, and Rob and–wait for it–Lauren! I think Seacrest is trying to divert us from the real romance between these two.