Hello again my beautiful babies! So, last week in the comments section, I believe we came to two conclusions about Momma’s Boys: 1) This show is sooooo scripted 2) this show is sooooooo awesome and we can’t stop watching. So suspend your disbelief because the crazy is in full swing this week, and let’s do this!
We start with Michael asking other blonde Meghan to get away for a few minutes, then she recieves a texty from him on her BLACKBERRY to meet him in a secret location (i.e. behind a palm tree where the crew has full view). Meghan finds him, and he asks her about her Playboy modeling, the secret she willingly gave up once confronted with last week’s Pandora’s Boxxx.
Michael tells her the Playboy thing is “so bad” but he likes her, and the Playboy thing is causing his mom not to like her. He decides he doesn’t care, and gives Lorraine a middle finger to the wind “screw you mom.” Yeah, she just birthed you for god knows how many hours and put up with your freeloading ass for twenty-odd years, so it makes perfect sense to say that when confronted with a Playboy model. He then proceeds to stick his tongue down her throat. This boy is HORNY.
Doorbell rings, and in walks a priest and a rabbi. No, not a joke set-up, that’s what really happens. The holy guys set up today’s challenge: bring the holidays home. LAME. They have two hours to set up the perfect holidays according to thier man’s traditions and beliefs and create either the perfect Christmas morning or Hanukah celebration.
A priest and a rabbi walk in the door…no really, they do.
The holy dudes bring in some special little elves to help the ladies (sorry, I don’t know the Hanukah equivalent of elf). In runs a gaggle of little cousins and nieces who are absolutely adorable and I almost want to shield them from this mess.
Michael picks up his precious lil’ cousin Valerie and Bangs just about wets herself, saying this is “exactly what I want.” A miniature awesome version of herself.
The holy dudes have provided them everything they need to create the perfect holiday: menorahs, ornaments, etc. I don’t see any drunken uncles.
Esther runs to the kitchen to start on latkes while the rest of the group sets up the tree. Even the rabbi notices that the Jews are in the kitchen and the Catholics are setting up the decorations. Glad to see pledging yourself to God doesn’t present you from stereotyping…
Camilla has no idea what Hanukah is, but she’s willing to learn since she likes Robbie. She’s also a big fat liar who wants more camera time, because come on, who really likes him. Unfortunately, she can’t remember the word for driedle.
Spinny top thingee, I made you out of clay, and with my spinny top thingee, spinny top thingee I will play.
But, Camilla really does try to learn and asks the rabbi for a private lesson, which he is all to willing to give. I’m sure there is a joke here somewhere about the Catholic priest and private lessons for the little boys, but that’s too easy. Lauren Potter is PISSED about Camilla trying to get her Jew on. She’s the only Jew so she gets first dibs!
Erica and Michael are setting up the tree with his cutie little cousin Valerie. Val lurves Erica. Lorraine says Erica would be a wonderful daughter-in- law
Erica interviews she feels bad about her dark past, but its still not the right time to tell Lorraine about it. When will the right time be, her and Micheal’s wedding day? As someone pointed out in last week’s comments section, Pet does not equal Playboy. Playboy does seem to be a bit classier, while Pets are downright dirty. Don’t believe me? Google Erica Ellyson. And yes, in that one picture, she has a joystick. IN HER VAGINA. And it’s not like this was 10 years ago like Stacy F., she was the 2008 Pet of the Year!!! Bottom line, girl has done some dirty stuff.
Erica has intimate knowledge of joysticks, and not because she’s a Super Mario Brothers champ.
KKK wants to know who will be bonding with her family and decorating thier hearts out. To her dismay, it’s Misty. And she’s BLACK, so that’s not a good thing. Misty hangs some misletoe up and bats her eyes at JoJo and KKK neary throws her hip out trying to wedge her fat ass between them.
Camila gives the rest of the girls a history lesson on the hanukah candle, and Lauren tries to kill her with her eyes. As much shit as I give Rob in the looks department, he’s pretty down-to-earth. He says he doesn’t care about black, white, whatever, he appreciates the effort Camilla is making.
Over in Slut City, Lorraine is dismayed to see Slutty Meghan trying to hone in on Michael and Erica’s Christmas. Meghan is sitting on the couch rubbing her nose like she was an extra on Scarface.
I asked the dealer for his finest blow, but this tastes oddly like parmesan cheese….
Blowup Doll Michelle and Megan try to make eggnog because this challenge is lame and alcohol makes everything better. Lorraine really wants Michael to do Bangs or Erica, but Michael doesn’t know what to do, so he takes his priest aside to ask him for some guidance. He wants one way, his mom wants another, so what’s a boy to do. The priest pretty much tells him to sac up and do what he wants since he’s a big boy now and can change own diapers. As much as I respect that advice, he still LIVES WITH HIS MOTHER!! The priest should’ve told him to move out of her damned basement and then he can chase any tail he freaking wants to.
Michael gets a textie on his cellie telling him to meet him in the bedroom. Downstairs, Megan surprises him with a dirty Santa outfit. I’m calling major B.S. on this one….either the girl travels with a slutty version of each major holiday, or the producers put her up to it.
You think this is hot, wait until you see my Easter bunny outfit.
While Megan and Micheal are messing around, Erica is trying to impress his 6-year-old cousin Valerie. Not sure where she learned that the way to a man’s heart is through his niece, but a Santa Suit from Fredericks of Hollywood is probably a safer bet.
The 3 groups sit down to dinner, sans Micheal because he’s knee deep in Meghan’s ho-ho-ho. He finally take a deep breath and goes back upstairs and sits right next to Erica. They eat and nothing really interesting happens other then Michelle saying the food wasn’t that good, and probably would’ve tasted better if it were catered. Too bad you wouldn’t be able to afford anything other then Ramen Noodles since you are $130,000 in debt, sweetcheeks.
Lorraine interviews how disappointed she would be if Michael picked Michelle or Megan, because whomever he picks will be her daughter-in-law. What she really means is that whomever Michael picks will be her new roommate because he will will never move out of her house.
KKK straight up tells the camera that Misty and JoJo are a no-no. She won’t even mention their names in the same sentence.
Camilla pats herself on the back for becoming an unofficial Jew in a day, but Esther isn’t fooled. Esther doesn’t think its the same as Rob marrying a true Jewish girl like Lauren. Something very interesting from last week’s comments section: how come Esther never calls KKK out on her rampant racisim, especially with the whole Birttany Fuchs thing? Remember, KKK was drooling over Brittany until she found out she was half-Jewish. My thought and hope is that Esther has such a rampant dislike for KKK that she doesn’t even bother. Or that they get into a fistfight in the next episode. Whichever.
My money is on the wildebeast.
Time for private dates! Erica gets a texty from Michael asking her out. They go jetskiing, and he comments on what an awesome body she has. I think the rest of the guys who have jacked off to her picture would also agree. As they drink champagne on the beach, Michael tells her how reserved she is. Funny, he says she’s reserved, but she’s really a porn star! The boy knows how to read from a script!
Michael says Erica makes him feel giddy, and then they do some flirty fake wrestling. Basically she just puts her boobs in his face and he motorboats her, then they make out. He says he felt a warm feeling all over, and every time I’ve felt that from a guy, I had to go do laundry.
Misty gets the next text from JoJo, and everyone is happy except for KKK. She interviews that she doesn’t like her, and isn’t used to “her culture, American-African, African-American, whatever.” Then she gives her patented “now I’m pissed” line, like she hasn’t been an upset ogre the entire time she’s been in the house.
Me no likey!
As Misty is about to walk out the door in her best Sporty Spice outfit, KKK walks by and tells her she looks like a cheap whore, and out of respect for her (ha!) she should go change. Here’s a hint, KKK: NOBODY respects you, let alone likes you. Misty point blank tells her that and hikes her shorts a little lower. Three cheers for Misty! Misty claims that after tonight, JoJo will be a Misty’s Boy. There’s alot of screaming and head bobbing. KKK calls Misty a whore and Erica holds her back, then leaves for her date.
The happy couple goes rock climbing. On a list of things that I want to do on a date, this is at the very bottom. Poor Misty is afraid of heights, so she’s not super-excited either. But she makes it to the top and gets a peck from JoJo, which she can’t wait to throw in his momma’s face.
Back at the house, KKK demands the producers to take her to her son. Her whole world will collapse if JoJo is with the wrong girl, and she asks for someone to hold her back. I say let her go, preferably off a tall cliff.
Misty and JoJo are making their way to a private hot tub as KKK gets her fat ass into a helicopter. Ahhh, the infamous helicopter scene! She says her worst fear is to see MIsty and JoJo together, even if its holding hands….uhhh, really? That’s your worst fear? KKK claims that the worst thing about Misty is her attitude, and she thinks that every mom will be doing what she’s doing.
The helicopter comes closer to the hot tub where Misty and JoJo are making out like two 16-year-old at the drive-in. KKK sees them and starts banging on the window and threatening lives. She also threatens to neuter JoJo and strangle his balls. At least she’s mad at both of them and not just Misty??
She tells the pilot to get her down there or she’s going to jump off, and I say, PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, jump woman. She interviews that she’s never seen her son with a black woman, and she doesn’t like, so “take it world, whatever you want to think of me, think of me.”
They keep right on kissing, which KKK sees as a personal insult, saying she thought she knew her son. She cries the whole way home. When she lands and gets off the helicopter, she tells some random dude she didn’t even enjoy her ride. I’m sure they are heart broken. She then cries like someone killed her puppy.
Back at the mansion, KKK cries to two black girls, Camilla and Maisha. They promptly call her out, asking if she’s upset that he’s kissing a girl, or that he’s kissing a black girl, pointing out she didn’t react this way to him kissing Brittany Fuchs. KKK says she felt disrespected, and Camilla says Misty also felt disrespected at her stupid comments.
Camilla tells her that some of her comments are hurtful, and KKK claims that she’s not a racist. She likes a black girl as long as she’s not dating her stupid son. They ask her to add a filter and have a little bit of tact. KKK interviews that she just doesn’t know how to speak sometimes and that Maish and Camilla opened up her eyes and her heart. I call bullshit.
Misty comes homes, and KKK pulls her aside to talk privately. Misty says that wanting the perfect girl for her son in unrealistic, and they both apologize to the other. She actually hugs Misty, but it’s very two steps forward, two steps back.
My favorite Paula Abdul song!
Elimination Night! KKK greets JoJo in his condo with a lovely “I’m going to kill you!” So much for having her eyes opened. He tries to tell her that he’s not a little boy anymore, but, she’s helping you pick out your clothes so we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.
At the pre-elimination cocktail party, Lorraine tries to tell Michael that Michelle needs to get cut since she has a weave. Faulty logic, but I get where she’s coming from. Esther is still trying to push Lauren onto Rob, but he tells her to stop because he’s just not feeling it. Esther says she wants Rob to be with a Jewish woman since he’s the first grandson to two pairs of Holocaust survivors. Lovely sentiment, but it seems like a way to be as racist as KKK without some snarky re-capper calling you KKK. It’s still racism, no matter how good your justification may be.
Rob explains that tonight’s elimination ceremony is slightly different. Yes, girls will be going home, but the ones that stay get to go to the US Virgin Islands. The guys will be able to invite two girls each, and the moms will get one invite each.
Anyone else see the irony in taking these girls to the Virgin Islands?
The girls rush to get thier phones. No shocker, but Esther gives her ticket to Lauren. Rob is less then thrilled. Camilla is called up next. She calls him Robbie, which is cute, but Esther looks PISSED. Camilla point-blank asks her why she’s not happy, and Esther is very passive aggressive about it. Again I ask you: because Esther is less confrontantial about her preferences, is it more excusable?
Bangs is Rob’s second choice, but he voice overs that she really is his first and that he’s totally fallen for her. Bangs looks uncomfortable and tells him thanks, but no thanks. She uses the excuse that she’s not a city girl and that’s where he belongs, but I ain’t buying it. She totally wants to do Michael. Esther looks like she wants to push her in the pool, and Bangs thinks she can see Esther’s heart breaking. Um, dont give yourself too much credit, hon. You’re not Lauren.
You belong in the city, far, far, FAR away from me.
Ticket #3 goes to Nicki, who it looks like Rob is less then enthused to give the ticket to.
Michael’s hoes are up next, and he gives his first ticket to Erica, saying the relationship she built with his mom is one of the most beautiful things about her. Wait until you see the joystick in her vagina, that’s a work of art! Lorraine couldn’t be happier about his choice. Lorraine’s ticket goes to Bangs, and if I had the choice to slap either KKK or Bangs, it would be a tough one. Both are super annoying in thier own right.
Michael goes back up to the house to give away his final ticket and calls both Megan and Michelle forward. He tells Lorraine that he likes them both and it may cause some friction, but he goes ahead and invites…..Megan! The slutty Santa suit gets them each time ladies, take note. Blow-up Doll Michelle is sent home packing. Sayonara, sweetheart!
JoJo calls Misty up and says the one thing he won’t tolerate is a girl disrespecting his mom, so he doesn’t see it working out between them. PUSSY. She tries to leave as gracefully as possible, but sheds some tears. Ugh, I officially hate this whole family.
He asks Julie to go, and I think that’s the girl who made catlese last episode and hasn’t done much else. KKK tells her to act like a lady on the trip. Mindy the kindergarten teacher is the next person JoJo invites.
KKK goes back to the house to give away her last ticket, BUT, she rips it up because no one there is good enough for her precious JoJo. DAMN. Lots of jaws hanging open, including mine.
So, that’s it Gasmii! Apart from the helicopter, not the most exciting episode but this Monday sure does look promising! Erica reveals her secret, KKK gets pissed off yet again and there are lots of bases fondled. Hope Trojan is an unofficial sponsor of skank!
‘Til then dolls!