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Happy New Year, Gasmii! Since my last re-cap, I’ve celebrated the holidays, got sick, got better, celebrated New Years’, got drunk and got sick again. But that’s nothing compared to what our chickadees in the Momma’s Boys manse have been up to, and Seacrest has thoughtfully provided evidence to prove it! So hold your head up high and dont let anyone bring you down about your nude photo shoot (hey, it was college!) and lets get this party started after the jump.
A huge wooden crate is delivered to the house, and seeing a million reality dating shows, I’m thinking there are ex-boyfriends or BFFs in there. The ladies open the box to discover…..another glass box. The glass box is locked, but you can see a bunch of file folders, each with a girl’s name and picture on it.
Some files are FAT (ruh roh) and some are skinny. Inside is every detail a mom could every want to know: credit scores, employment records, police records, those pictures your boyfriend took one drunk night in college and SWORE he’d never show anyone. Some immediatly start crying, which is a dead giveaway that they have secrets to hide—seriously, why not just tattoo a scarlett letter on your forehead? Or for those who don’t like literary references, the phrase “I’m a whore.”
Michelle is one of the teary-eyed tarts, as is her blonde companion Megan.
I dont have anything to hide, I just really hate boxes.
Brittany Fuchs and Playmate Erica break a little sweat when they here that Internet search results are included in the file. Esther remarks that Erica has “quite a file.
KKK nearly orgasms at the thought of revealing everyone’s most intimate secrets (sorry if i gave anyone a mental image) She is ready to break into that box NOW, but alas, they must wait. It’s time for our next suitability challenge! And here’s the twist–four girls will win, and no matter how badly the momma’s may want to get into the girls files, they will not be able to open the winners file. But, the momma’s can pick one file each from the losers to read.
Stacey F. knows her 10-year-old Playboy pictures will be in her file, so she decided to come clean with Lorraine before any files open. Lorraine privately interviews that its a big deal that she posed in Playboy and it makes her uncomfortable, and Esther agrees when Megan confesses the same secret to her. KKK tells the girls that she wants “no nudity, no playboy” because its disrespectful to the moms. But so is insulting various races and lifestyles, but that hasn’t stopped her before.
The girls are excited that winning the contest gives you immunity from having your file read. However, Michelle’s face falls when she learns its a cooking contest. If it was a blow-up doll look alike contest, she’d be a shoo-in for sure.
Sometimes when you win, you really end up losing.
Our guest host is celebrity chef Tyler Florence, who I ashamedly have nothing snarky to say about. The momma’s have listed thier boys favorite recipes, and Tyler has thoughtfully provided all the ingredients to make them. If you’re wondering, Rob likes matza ball soup, Micheal like eggplant parmigiana, and JoJo some recipe that even Tyler Florence hasn’t heard of: catlese and grape leaves. Catlese sounds like some kind of disease you get when playing the Oregon Trail….”sorry, but you got catlese and died” The ladies can either make one of the three recipes, or use the ingredients to make something of thier own in under an hour.
The competition starts, and the majority of the girls flock to either Lorraine’s parm or Esther’s soup, and a few venture out to make their own dishes. Lorraine’s team is comprised of all blondes: Nikki, Stacy F.,Crazy Cara Q and Blow-Up Doll Michelle.
Maisha & Esther-favorite Lauren team up with Camilla to make Esther’s soup, since they “all like Rob.”
Unsurprisingly, no one wants to make KKK’s dish. I doubt it has less to do with the fact that no one has ever heard of it, more like you are a raging bitch. KKK takes major offense to this and runs out of the room crying. I am shocked that watery stuff is able to fall from her eyes. Somehow I didn’t think that could happen when you have NO SOUL.
Just because I say mean and racist things doesn’t mean these skanks shouldn’t try and impress me!
JoJo is surprisingly comforting and I have to admit that I like him more with each episode. Granted, he has had 24 years of experience of talking this crazy woman off the ledge, and I’m not going to blame him when one day he gives up and just lets her jump. In fact, maybe I’ll throw him a parade. I am shocked that a woman who has said something to offend every race, ethnicity and general body type is saying that she is hurt that no one wants to make her stupid dish. Don’t be a raging psycho and maybe people will want to spend more then 5 minutes with you, mmmmkay?
Julie (who?!) takes pity on her and makes the dish solo, hoping to score some brownie points. Sorry honey, but the only way you’re scoring brownie points is if you are a WASP.
Over on Team Blonde, Lorraine admits that she has no desire to win since she’s dying to pull Michelle’s file. Cut to Michelle peeling an apple with a very sharp knife, then dropping it on the floor and yelling five second rule. TF rightly scolds her like the little child she is and makes her throw it out.
Secret ingredient: Type O negative.
Judging time! The boys come back to judge the dishes along with Tyler. Hopefully these dishes taste better then they look. Team Blonde’s eggplant parm looks like a cat threw up in a dish, then covered it with cheese and baked at 350 for 20 minutes. Lorraine couldn’t be happier.
Team Rob’s matzoh ball soup looks like the plant from Little House of Horrors drowned in a bowl. Should there be that much jungle in the bowl?
R.I.P. Audrey II
Esther makes a comment about “the balls being on the hard side, just the way you like them Rob.” Trust Seacrest to put vieled homosexual remarks in primetime television.
KKK’s catalese made by Julie is next, and they all call it delicious.
Bangs and Megan ventured away from the recipes and made stuffed peppers, and they all freak out about it. Not sure why, because it’s essentially hamburger helper shoved into a green pepper and even my 12-year-old cousin can do that. Erica is the other wildcard and chose to make a southern chicken casserole. Michael’s eyes literally lit up wen he tasted it.
Tyler Florence announces our winners and picks Erica, who heaves a huge sigh of relief that her Playmate past will be covered for another day. Julie and her caltese also win, as do Bangs and Megan’s stuffed peppers. Bangs adds another “I’m so awesome” point to her tally.
Back at the house, KKK is so excited to get into the files that she tries to break into the box in the middle of the night. It would be funny if I didn’t hate her so much.
If you open that box, someone might push you into it.
The next morning, the group gather around the Box of Secrets. KKK is like a kid on Christmas. Lorraine picks first and immediatly goes for Michelle, who bursts into tears. That file did seem pretty fat, so I understand, but don’t sympathize. Lorraine is reading though Michelle’s file, which starts by listing all the plastic surgery she’s had. Nose job, Botox, hair extensions and TWO boob jobs! And Christ allmighty, she’s only 25. She’s also $130,000 in debt, and doesn’t have an Ivy League degree or a house. But she does have lots of Louis Vuitton!
Damn girl, you really are as dumb as you look!
Lorraine rightfully calls her out on all the surgery at such a young age which Michelle defends by saying its maintenance. Honey, if you need “maintenance” at 25, lord help you when you hit 40 or 50.
Michelle when she is no longer allowed to borrow more money for plastic surgery.
KKK lunges for Brittany Fuchs file, and she may need some assistance because that thing is the size of the phonebook. She starts maniacally laughing and scampering off like the little troll she is, and Brittany Fuchs asks if she can read it with her. They go off by the pool. KKK opens the file and is greeted by Brit’s who-ha. She admits to doing “some” nude modeling, but that’s like saying Tommy Chong never inhaled. Because he did, A LOT. See where I’m going with this? Homegirl did a lot of nudie photos.
Esther takes Lauren’s file, but only because she’s sure that Lauren is a good person and wants to tell Rob more about her. She invites Lauren to read the file with her, and it’s nice to see a momma who is not working on the dark side. Lauren’s file is predictably clean, nary a public indecency or intoxication charge. Lauren and Esther hug to clean living. BO-RING
Over the next few days, the guys go one some private dates. It done 80s montage style so we don’t get alot of deets. JoJo hits it off with Misty, a kindegarten teacher from Macon, Georgia. Rob takes Lauren out just to shut his mom up for five minutes, but admits there’s no real spark.
More girls get to go on more private dates, and Cara Q. is getting antsy that she doesn’t have a date yet. In her mind, Michael is just saving the best for last. If by “best” you mean “craziest” then yes, you are correct.
The mom’s go the boys condo to help them dress for elimination ceremony, because lord help us all if they have to pick out a shirt without thier mommy’s consent. Evil KKK immediatly tells JoJo about Brittany’s past, and Lorraine does the same thing with Michael. (as he’s standing in his boxer brief’s, I might add). She spills about Michelle’s debt and plastic surgery. Esther joyfully tells Rob about Lauren’s squeaky clean past, and he looks bored out of his mind. Point for Rob, homeboy wants a slut.
Before elimination time its the obligatory cocktail hour. I fully agree with getting liquored up prior to the possibility of getting dumped, so kudos Seacrest and Co. Michelle makes a beeline for Michael and tries to explain her debt problem. He asks her what the amount is and she wisely stays mum on her $130,000 debt. And people wonder how we got into financial collapse. You can practically see Michael gulp as he starts to tally in his head if Michelle’s boobs are worth the hassle.
Cara Q. and Michael have some painfully awkward conversation. He asks her what’s going on, and quote Cara, “Learning to cook….I want to get more….uh…um….what’s the word….Sophisticate.” And no, that is not a typo, she left off the D. Here’s a tip: READ A BOOK.
Not one of these.
One of THESE.
Brittany Fuchs and JoJo talks, and he tells her that he doesn’t understand why she did Playboy and that he finds it weird. Brittany asks that he look past it and see what’s inside. If you’re trying to make the point that you’re not a slut, you probably shouldn’t dress like one.
The boys leave the girls to their pile of BLACKBERRY phones, and Teacher Mindy is the first one to get a yes. Bangs, Lauren, Camila and Maisha also receive yes’s. Crazy Cara Q. is so nervous, she threatening to throw her phone in the pool (and it’s the PINK PEARL that I want, damnmit!)
Stacy F. gets a no, which is a shame. She seemed very sweet. Carina and Jessica C. are also leaving on the Greyhound. Michelle and Brittany Fuchs will be meeting by the pool.
Cara Q’s text finally comes in, and she searches for someone to help her read it. And it’s a …….NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! The crazy starts to unwind. She stomps in the house screaming that she didn’t even get a date. Then she does my favorite reality show move by telling the cameras to get the fuck out of her face. KKK is following her tantrum through the house, and Cara is so hysterical that eventually a female producer steps in. She literally starts hyperventaliting and repeating “But I didn’t get a date. I didn’t get a date!” Refer to my first re-cap where I said Cara was an ugly crier, because DAMN.
Outside of the mansion, Crazy interviews that this was the worst experience of her life and she didn’t get a date. She came all this way, suffered all this embarassment, and she didn’t get a date. She came here to date, and damnit (all together now) SHE DIDN’T GET A DATE!!
Did I tell you that I didn’t get a date?
Back at the pool, Michelle, Brittany Fuchs and Nikki are waiting for the boys decision. All the boys admit that they haven’t gotten the chance to get to know her, and all three guys say they would like for her to stay. Hugs all around, and then Nikki takes her place with the rest of the girls. Michael calls Michelle up next and if her forehead could move, she’d look worried. But it can’t, so she smiles nervously. Michael keeps her, and Michelle rushes into his arms and sticks her tongue down his throat. Classy. Bangs is PISSED that he kept her, and whispers into Lorraine’s ear what a big mistake he’s making.
JoJo tells Brittany that in light of the nude photo scandal, he can’t see himself with her. Ever. Harsh!
Well, bye Brittany Fuchs, I’ll miss saying your name! Next week is the infamous helicopter scene, where KKK acts like a crazed gorilla when she sees Misty making out with her precious JoJo.
Till then my precious pups!