Mommas Boys: The Big Reveal

Hello! Well, tonight is the season finale of Mommas Boys! I have to admit, I’m almost glad that this is coming to an end as there’s only so many ways I can call someone a fat, racist shrew (*cough* KKK *cough*). But PopPrincess isn’t a quitter, so let’s crack open the trusty thesaurus and see what we can come up with this week. Join in after the jump!

We start with a trusty 80s movie staple, The Montage. For those of you who didn’t grow up on Molly Ringwald movies, The Montage catches you on an hour-and-a-half of plot in about 60 seconds. Our in this case, five episodes in half-a-minute.

But, the beauty of The Montage is that is reminds us of the key moments that make us love to hate Mommas Boys. Moments like KKK pissing off 10 races in 2 seconds, crazy Cara Q. reminding us she didn’t get a date, and Michael making out with anyone with a vag.

We’re snapped back to reality with a reminder that last week the boys went on a romantic date with their top pick, but tonight, the boys will be spending some sexy time with their momma’s top pick. So Erica and Michael will be going out, as well Rob and Lauren. And JoJo? Since KKK didn’t pick any girl, JoJo gets to spend a romantic date with…..his mother.

After they’ve spent time with their choice and their mom’s choice, the boys will have to pick who they want to sail off into the sunset. That’s not a cute little pun, the “prize” is literally a 3-day cruise with the guy.

JoJo’s up first, and since KKK didn’t pick anyone for her baby, he has to go on his final date with HER. I’ve never seen her happier. I wasn’t sure she had another emotion that wasn’t anger? Our happy couple goes parasailing, and for some reason she keeps talking about birthing JoJo as I throw up in my mouth.

She asks JoJo to take her out for dinner and drinks, and you know she is also hoping for a good fuck. Am I going to hell for writing that line? Oh, well.

They take a romantic stroll on the same beach where JoJo walked with Mindy the night before. I guess the producers weren’t putting the time or effort into creating a new date for them, since it’s literally the exact same thing he did the night before with Mindy. I bet those are leftovers they are eating.

As they stroll along the beach, SHE CALLS JOJO SEXY. She talks about his perfect teeth, perfect muscles. Not creepy at all, I assure you. Even JoJo is uncomfortable and totally giving her the STFU look.

They sit on the beach and talk about Mindy. KKK complains that Mindy is not letting her in, and JoJo counters with the whole “you embarrassed her talking about her huge bazoongas” stuff. The crazy switch is flipped as KKK immediately goes from sweet to sour and gets all passive-aggressive with JoJo, telling him she doesn’t give a flying F who he dates. In the immortal words of Cher from Clueless, “As if!”

OK, how is this even choice? Even if the chick isn’t hot, which Mindy totally is, its still a chick you can bang and NOT YOUR MOTHER. JoJo seems pretty horrified, disgusted and disturbed by all of this. As am I.

KKK coyly picks up a flower and does the whole “he loves me, he loves me not.” OVER HER SON. As she picks the petals, she rotates between her name and Mindy’s name. The producers rotate between scenes of Mindy being nice and KKK being a wildebeast. It’s pretty damn funny when they compare them in bathing suits.

Our next romantic date is with Rob and Lauren, who take a seaplane over to St. Croix. Rob is really trying to focus on Lauren, but keeps imagining what she’d look like with long black hair and dark skin like Camilla’s.

They go to a private pool, where Lauren confronts him on his feelings, or lack thereof. Um, not a good sign if you have problems in a relationship before you even go on a real date. Finally, Lauren makes a move and kisses Rob, who admits he is starting to get feelings for her. In his pants. I have to admit, she does seem more receptive to the kiss then Camilla did.

At dinner, Rob is trying to treat her nicely since he didn’t before. They kiss some more and he didn’t even have to buy her jewelry!

After the date, Rob half-heartedly tells us he had a good time, but ‘fesses he went to sleep thinking of Camilla and woke up thinking of her. Classic problem of what you want and what your mom wants.

And now on to the good stuff that we’ve been waiting all freaking season for! Erica and Michael’s date. I am literally giddy for this part of the show. The producers always spend the most time on Michael’s storyline, and he always gets the good dates. This time they get to spend the day on a yacht that would make Jay-Z jealous.

Michael drags Erica to the front of the boat to do the obligatory “I’m the king of the world!” line from Titanic. Congratulations Michael, you are officially a douche. And congrats on having a timely sense of humor! In 20 years he’ll probably be doing President Bush jokes.

Michael asks Erica about how she feels about the idea of living in Florida. She vaguely talks about her “modeling” career, babies and kids. Michael VO’s she’s sexy. They make out some more. Good lord, he is a total man-whore. Actually, maybe boy-whore is more appropriate?

When they pause to come up for air, he asks her to tell him about her modeling life. One minute they are kissing, then he’s quizzing her on career choices? It’s totally out of the blue….almost like a producer put him up to it! She says she’s over modeling, even though 30 seconds ago she was talking about it. The boy ain’t too bright though and doesn’t catch it. He goes back to what he knows best, checking the size of Erica’s tonsils.

The pair takes a smaller boat to a private island where they make out some more. Erica talks about how close her and Lorraine are. I’m sure thats not creepy at all for Michael when you talk about his mom while you’re making out and half-naked. Not creepy at all.

In the hot tub on the boat, Michael says he’s the happiest man in the world. Erica looks like she wants to tell him Her Big Secret but chickens out. Michael whispers something to Erica that sounds suspiciously like “I could fall in love with you,” but I can’t be sure. I rewinded that sucker 10 times and even put the closed caption on and still didn’t catch it. That’s what listening to the PussyCat Dolls on full-blast will do to you. If anyone has better ears then me and caught what he muttered, please let me know in the comments.

Erica gets a massage on the deck, while Michael is MIA. Must be nap time, hope they have binkies on the yacht. Erica replays all the LIES she told these two in her head as she contemplates how to tell them Her Big Secret. Super dramatic music plays just so they can really drive home how hard this is for her.

The moon is full when Erica joins Michael on the deck. Confession time! She starts by telling him she has a secret to reveal but doesn’t know how to tell him. I am almost sympathetic for the guy. With today’s reality shows, I can only imagine what he’s expecting her to say. He’s probably thinking she’s a dude or was born with a tail.

She finally spits it out, confessing she’s done “the nude modeling,” then explaining not Playboy, but Penthouse. Penthouse?! he repeats pretty angrily. At this moment, Mr. PopPrincess kindly interrupts this program to lay out the porno tier for me. See, Playboy is at the top since its slightly classy, and Fat Girls Monthly is way at the bottom because it puts the “tay” in “nas-tay.” Penthouse, my friends, is somewhere in the middle, about one or two notches lower then Hustler. And that, dears, was an educational message brought to you by the PopPrincess family.

Returning to our regularly scheduled program, Michael responds with an exasperated “I need a drink.” Don’t blame you bro, its often how I deal with challenging situations.

Michael starts to get pissy thinking about his mommy and her reaction to Her Big Secret. He interviews he feels lied to and looks genuinely upset. He leaves Erica to cry on the top deck.

Erica returns to the villa to find an exuberant Lorraine. Erica asks Lorraine if they can talk in private, so they naturally walk down to a well-lit area of the beach. They pop a squat in the sand, and Erica starts to reveal Her Big Secret. She uses the same approach that she did with Michael (like mother, like son) and tells her “I’ve done modeling also.” You can practically see Lorraine’s heart break when she reveals its for Penthouse. Seriously, rewind it a couple of times. It’s not every day you see that kind of emotion caught on tape.

Lorraine says this doesn’t change a thing, and she still feels the exact same way about her and still sees Erica in her family’s life. Just not in her cute little neice from the holiday episode’s life, cause she doesn’t want that shit rubbing off. I think she’s a big fat liar who is just trying to save face. Lord knows if she’s anything like my mother, she refuses to admit when she’s wrong. Even when the full page spread is staring in her the face.

It’s time for the final elimination! Esther comes up to nag Rob, telling him he can see Camilla as much as he wants. Just not on dates or weekends. Not making that up, that’s literally a direct quote from her.

He says its time for him to do what makes him happy, and she retorts that he can be happy later. Rob gives her a total FU look. He really sticks to his guns in the hotel room, but lets see what happens come pickin’ time.

Michael and Lorraine talk about Erica revealing Her Big Secret. Lorraine says she still loves Erica. In a hilarious scene, Michael asks her if she’s ever seen a Penthouse, and she says no. Oh, the irony in mom making you turn down a Playmate for a Penthouse Pet.

Over at Camp JoJo, KKK is arguing that Mindy is not the right girl for THEM like its a friggin’ threesome. She tearfully says she wants him to fall in love, just not with a sweet kindegarten teacher like Evil Mindy!

It looks like we are doing final eliminations in private–boooo. I like my humiliation public, thank you very much. Rob is the first one to decide who he wants to sail off in the sunset with. He wants to bang the hell outta Camilla, but he knows Lauren is a good package to integrate with. He wastes no time at all saying he wants to sail away with…..LAUREN. I KNEW IT!! He gives Camilla a tearful goodbye, who interviews that she knows he’ll be calling her soon. He then hugs her goodbye for waaaayyyyy too long.

Our next couple is Erica and Bangs. Bangs is upping the trash factor in a seriously heinous dress. She must have stepped it up a bit when she found out she was competing against a porn star.

He lets us know how crazy it is that one girl is a med student and one girl is a Pet, and mom wants him to choose the Pet.

And Michael chooses……BANGS!!!!! Daaaaammmmmnnnnnn!!!! I’m 1 for 1 so far with last week’s predictions. Can’t say I blame the guy for letting Erica go, the pics are NASTY. And it’s not like they were taken a few years ago when she was young and stupid, this was like 6 weeks ago. Sorry, but I still hate Bangs.

And now its time for “the most bizarre elimination ever” as Mindy and KKK compete for JoJo’s heart. He knows that if he doesn’t pick his mommy his balls will be hanging from her rear view mirror. He says he doesn’t want to cause his mother so much pain, blah blah…..Mindy interrupts to say that she knows she’ll never measure up to KKK’s expectations, even though she was raised to be polite, respectful and well-rounded. I mentally applaud her for her little dig, then she a ELIMINATES HERSELF!! You go girl! I cant imagine the embarassment of getting dumped for the guy’s mother so I fully understand and respect this choice.

Then we have yet another twist: JoJo is so moved by her speech that he tells his momma to hit the road, he’s off to bang mindy! Of course she goes on a rampage about how her feelings are hurt and tries the Cara Q. “get that camera outta my face” move.

So there you have it, Gasmi. Seacrest gives us a nice update as the credits roll: Rob was the only person to leave the vacation early (probably to call Camilla); KKK was offered counseling but “politely refused” (like she does anything politely) and Erica went to Florida to visit……Lorraine. Sneaky!

So what are everyone’s thoughts on the show? I felt like it moved way too fast, yet I don’t know if I could’ve watched much longer. They really didn’t give us likeable guys, and we hardly got to know a girl well enough to root for her to win. What say you, Gasmii?

Thanks for hanging in there!

xoxoxo

PopPrincess