Momma’s Boys: Momma’s Boys: Life Is Like A Box of Chocolates… but only the white ones.

***Letter from the Editor: Please welcome your newest recapper with our newest piece of TV brilliance, PopPrincess!

Our latest foray into the reality TV genre attempts to answer this life-altering question, “Who is REALLY the most important woman in every man’s life?” To find the answer, we take 3 “complacent sons” and their “possessive, yet loving mothers” and add a mansion and 32 single women and basically cross our fingers and hope the universe doesn’t implode. Or that they find true love with the help of their mommies. Whatever. Let the trainwreck that is Momma’s Boys begin!

Unfortunately, I already have a problem with the fact that they are spelling this MOMMA and not MAMA. But, these are the same people (I’m looking at YOU, Producer Seacrest!) who think you can only find love in a multi-million dollar mansion in California. Actually, I will agree with them on that. Mansions up the romance factor ten-fold, as the Bachelor has shown us time and time again. Everything I know, I learned from TV.

Let’s dive right in and meet our mama’s and their boys! First up is Lorraine, who is super MILF-y.

Wait, I thought this was the Real Housewives audition?

Her son, Michael, is cute in a creepy way. Or because he’s fireman. Get off my back, guys with big hoses are hot! Michael still lives with his mom, who confesses she calls him about 100 times a day. And he answers. I’m sure a normal girl won’t find that weird or annoying at all.

I swear, I was just coming over for cookies and conversation! I didn’t know she was only 13!

Next up is Rob, who I am sorry to say is just plug ugly. And bow-legged. Let’s hope he’s really funny, or better yet, is filthy rich. Rob VO’s that he’s in commercial real estate. Ruh roh….hopefully you know some killer jokes dude, you’re going to need them with that mug.

Really, Ryan Seacrest? This was the best you could do out of the THOUSANDS of people who auditioned?

Rob’s mom, Esther, is a “typical Jewish mother” who still buys Rob’s underwear and thinks her little Bubbeleh is the cutest, sweetest mensch ever born. In her online profile, she claims to be “young at heart” which is good, because she definitely ain’t “young at body” or “young at face.” Oh, I’m going to hell.

Next up is JoJo, who has to be a closet gay. Exhibit A: he lets people call him JoJo. Exhibit B: he has two ferrets. FERRETS! Only Paris Hilton and 12-year-old girls have ferrets.

My mommy told me I must like girls, so here I am.

(sidenote: I can’t type his name without thinking of that scene in Tommy Boy….you know, right after David Spade hits Chris Farley with a 2 x 4, and they are sitting at the restaurant and he totally freaks out on the waitress, saying he’s like “JoJo the idiot circus boy” every time he goes on a sales call. Remember? Anyone?)

Next we meet Circus Boy’s mom, Khalood. She was born in Iraq, so I kinda don’t want to mess with her. She’s also super-racist so I also kinda want to punch her in the face. Khalood has a laundry list of the girls she doesn’t want JoJo to date: no “blacks, Asians, fat butt girls. White girls only!” I say she should just be happy that JoJo is pretending to like girls. So who does Khalood want JoJo to date? “Someone like me,” she says.

Oh, you mean someone fat, ignorant, and racist? Why, what mother wouldn’t want that?

Now that we’ve met our bachelors and their mama’s, let’s get on to the girls! Some of the girls are exactly what mama’s want: future doctors, lawyers, and functional ovaries. And some aren’t. Those would be the jailbirds, gold diggers and Republicans (Rim shot! Election humor is still timely!). And yet another twist: the mama’s and the girls will be living together under one roof!

Ok, we have 32 girls to meet. I am guessing only half will be interesting, so we’re going to go fast and furious through these introductions and only worry about the slightly interesting ones…

First up is Mindy, a kindergarten teacher from Macon, GA. I already like Mindy since she didn’t say that she’s from Atlanta when she’s really from an hour outside of it, *cough* Real Housewives of Atlanta, *cough.* Girl also has a serious set of chompers on her.

Next is Megan, who is suffering from ponytail-and-glasses syndrome. This is what afflicts every so called “ugly duckling” in teenage movies…the girl is only ugly because she has her hair in a ponytail and eyeglasses on, but you can totally tell that when the fairy godmother comes along and gives her contacts and a hair brush that she’ll be super hot. Methinks there is a freak under those glasses. But, Megan says she’s more comfortable with the animals at the shelter then actual people. What’d I tell you, freaky freaky!

We then meet gorgeous Maisha, who I don’t really care about right now, because good-lord-look-at-the-bangs-on-that-one Amanda is in the same frame. Amanda is a med student. The moms are going to love her.

Maybe you should use that scalpel to remove a few inches from those bangs before you cut into someone’s appendix.

And then we meet Cara…..oh, Cara! Where do I begin with you, little blonde one? Cara 110% LOVES lingerie. Not 100%, but 110%, mind you. Her one goal in life is to have a lingerie closet with a chandelier. You reach for those stars, girl! She’s also a singer, and to prove it, she does the Mariah-Carey-hold-her-imaginary-ear-speaker thing that drives me nuts. Trust me, you’ll see it plenty on upcoming American Idol auditions. And in case you’re wondering, she’s terrible.

There’s Camila, but the only thing really interesting about her is that her last name is Pointdexter. For real. There’s No Nonsense Natalie, who says she’s 24 but looks and acts like she’s 60. She claims to have really big balls, which will probably interest JoJo plenty.

Megan is a hairstlylist and bartender. Nothing really going on between the ears here, so I’ll skip right to Nikki. Nikki looks like one of the Olly Twins from Sunset Tan, and also makes those two look like card-carrying Mensa members. She tries to describe what she does, but words are hard so she just gives up and shrugs. Lynette doesn’t think girls should use sex to get guys attention and I predict she will be going home by the end of the show.

Yet another blonde with an M name is introduced, this time Michelle. Michelle claims to be a spokesmodel and a broadcaster, and paid for her SECOND pair of knockers with her student loan money. With today’s interest rates, maybe she actually is smarter then she looks.

Donna, or “First to Go Home” as I like to call her, interviews that she’s been in jail. But don’t worry, it was a non-violent crime that landed her in the clink. I’m guessing forgery or identity theft. Girls, just lock up your wallets and shred your mail and all will be well.

Cara breaks her gold fuck-me-pumps and figures the best way to deal with it is by jumping up and down and screaming. Misty tells her to go get some rest, but Cara says she doesn’t need to because she’s always happy and always at 110%. Her and Misty have some stupid exchange, but all you need to know is that Cara ends up crying. On the first day. Within the first hour. I suggest you don’t do that in front of the boys, because girlfriend isn’t a pretty crier. Not to mention her voice makes me want to rip my eyelashes out. She heads to the bar, knowing as well as I do that liquor makes everything better. It even fixes the pain of breaking your cheap gold shoe from Traffic!

For the love of all that is holy, never make this face again.

Out by the pool, the girls start gossiping and someone brings up the fact that another girl posed in Playboy—its Stacey!! Stacey actually seems like a pretty cool chick, and is somewhat embarrassed about her scandalous past and hopes it stays on the D.L. She decides to just come clean and say she posed for Playboy 10 years ago. Jessica from Atlanta immediately judges her, saying she’d rather “work twice as hard” then pose for Playboy. Or just go on a reality show. I’m in Stacey’s corner on this one, so suck it Jessica.

But Seacrest and Co. keep throwing the reality curveballs, because we have not one but TWO ex-playmates. Erica is a former Penthouse Pet of the Year!! She claims to want to keep it on the downlow so the guys can get to know her first. I predict it’s coming out after her second glass of wine. You know all the moms are going to hate her and all the guys will want to hook up and never call her again.

Jessica is 21 with a 2-year-old son. You do the math. She’s a model and not super retarded for someone who got knocked up at 19.

Mindy comments that there are 3 guys, 32 girls, and still thinks the odds are in her favor. Yay for optimism! I bet she also thinks that craps are a really good game to play while you’re in Vegas.

Enough backstory on the girls, lets bring on the boys! I refuse to call anyone over the age of 21 who still lives with their mother a man. The 3 guys come down to the pool to meet their chickies. Nikki immediately takes a liking to Michael, which I think most girls will. He’s not THAT hot, but compared to the other two, he’s Edward Cullen. (Shoutout to my fellow Twilight fans!) I’m predicting that Robert will get the leftovers and the ones who are angling for more facetime with the camera.

One girl who isn’t even cute enough for me to remember her name asks JoJo how his mom is with the women that he brings home. Hello, you’re on a show called Momma’s Boys? How do you think she is? JoJo says he has only brought one girl home to mom, which I completely believe. He fails to neglect how many guys he’s brought home.

Penthouse Erica meets Micheal and tells him she’s taking a break from school, which means she dropped out and has no plans on going back. Lynette also takes a liking to Michael, as has Cara Q, who is already blueprinting out where the lingerie closet and chandelier will fit in the corner of his mom’s basement.

After these brief poolside introductions, our three amigos are off to their condo. The girls head into their MANSION to change out of their swimwear into something more mom-friendly. When they get in the house, 3 baskets filled with baby pictures, letters and the mom’s audition tapes are waiting for them.

The first audition tape they watch is Michael and Lorraine’s. Lorraine talks not about her son’s good heart or sense of humor like a normal mom would, but about his 0% body fat. He immediately rips off his shirt and she rubs his chest. It’s as weird and as creepy as it sounds, trust me. I half expect her to throw herself into the competition and try and do Michael. All the girls seem to love Michael and Lorraine, but in all fairness, they seem pretty fun.

No one looks too enthusiastic when they watch Rob and Esther’s tape. One of the girls calls Esther adorable which is the nice girl equivalent of saying your mom is weird and crazy. Esther calls Robert a stud and I call for an optometrist to check this poor lady’s eyesight.

The last tape is Kahlood’s and Jojo’s. Khalood starts speaking about JoJo like he’s the second coming of Christ—-my son is gorgeous, perfect, and STILL LIVES AT HOME. Get over yourself! She doesn’t like the girls that he dates, so she tells girls that call him that he’s gay so he’ll go away. I’d love to see how those phone calls go….

Random Girl: Um, hello, is JoJo there?

KKK: Oh, I’m sorry, JoJo’s gay and can’t come to the phone right now.

Yes, she “tells” the girls that he’s gay so they won’t hit on him, not because Circus Boy ACTUALLY IS. I’m on to you both!

KKK has no shame whatsoever when it comes to what she wants in a girl for her son. She is very clear on what she DOESN’T want. She pretty much runs down the alphabet of races she doesnt like–Asians, Blacks, Chinese, Dutch, English, etc. Only white ones are acceptable, “we can’t have a black one” and for heaven’s sakes, “no mixtures!”

KKK pretty much offends everybody in the room in under five minutes, which I’m sure is no easy task with this group. She then has the nerve to say she doesn’t think she ‘s asking for a lot. Yes, a girl that is not too tall, not too short, from a non-divorced Catholic family, who likes to cook and clean and cater live her life for her man is not hard to find AT ALL.

Mindy from Macon (loves me some alliteration!) genuinely wonders how someone can be so close-minded and I agree. Pretty Asian girl is softly crying and again, I want to punch KKK in the baby maker. Vita is pissed as well.

Misty notes that even Cara Q. is horrified, and interviews that she knows it bad when “even the dumbest girl here is mad about how ignorant she is.” LOLz, loves Misty!

You would think that having a momma like KKK would put a bad stank on JoJo, but our girls seem even more tempted by him. I guess nothing turns a girl on like an ignorant mother? Misty wants to get with JoJo just to piss his mom off, and I say, go Team Misty!

Cara Q surprisingly makes a good point—all the people that Khalood says she hates are over in Iraq fighting to liberate her people, Vita being one of them. Hmmmm, could Cara be one of those smart girls that acts dumb to get guys? Doubtful, but interesting theory.

A random girl named Brittany Fuchs comments on KKK, but I’m too distracted by the last name of Fuchs.

Congratulations on making it through high school with that last name, you deserve it.

Finally, the moms start to arrive! Lorraine the MILF is the first to show up and meet the ladies. She seems like a nice person and truly wants to find her son a good wifey, even if only to get him the hell out of her basement. She seriously looks awesome enough to be a contestant. She is super-cute and gives a nice little pep talk about how she is excited to have some girl time. Cara Q. practically creams herself that Michael has a cool mom.

Esther comes into the house next and she also is very sweet and charming, almost to the point where I feel bad for cracking on her earlier. Almost. She makes a beeline for the bar to grab a glass of white wine which raises her even higher in my book. Talking to the girls, she tells them she doesn’t care what they look like as long they are nice. She interviews that she’s in heaven with 32 girls kvetching about her son and actually says she’s getting vehklempt. I totally crack up and love her more. She reminds me of Mike Meyer’s Coffee Talk character.

A roman candle is neither roman nor a candle….discuss.

Everyone is anxiously awaiting the arrival of KKK after her racist rant of an audition tape. She really has some nerve saying she doesn’t want her son dating a big-booty girl when her ass is like a freight train. I dont think there is one redeeming quality about this woman.

Hey pot. Its the kettle. What up? You’re black so you cant date my son. Your loss.

The girls plan to act like they didn’t see her tape and don’t know that she is a small minded bigot. Vita says that meeting her was hard because she felt like KKK was looking at her like she was trash. Which she probably was. Vita is incensed at KKK’s attitude–and rightfully so–as she is an army nurse who has been stationed in Iraq, and you know, fighting for the country which KKK is from!

KKK sweeps into the room and starts picking a few random girls to go outside with her. Lynette is offended, saying they are not at a meat market! No, you’re on a reality show where you’re pimping yourself out so you can fake fall in love, duh! Maisha tells her that she just got her Masters degree. KKK doesn’t care.

Outside, Brittany seems like the favorite out of the group, until she lets it out that she’s half-Catholic, half-Jewish. Cue the record scratch in KKK’s mind. KKK is outta there.

Vita and Oglethorpe girl asks KKK to talk alone and she looks at them like they are about to steal her purse. Outside, KKK asks the two girls if they play basketball. Hey, they’re black so it’s a fair question in her mind. Both girls shake their heads, so KKK moves on to more neutral ground, like what their parents would say if they dated outside their race.

Vita says her parents wouldn’t care about race as long as she was happy, because they are normal and its freaking almost 2009, not 1932. Vita calls KKK out on her tape and says she owes them all an apology. KKK says no apologies! There’s a lot of heated back and forth, until KKK tells her to kiss her ass. Ohhhh, If only JoJo the Circus Boy could meet someone like his mom! Vita is PISSED and tells her about her military career, and KKK calls Vita a bitch. WTF, lady?! Vita throws her drink! Things are just starting to get good and heated when…..we get a To Be Continued sign. Oh, Seacrest. I was almost there and you let me down!

Even though they throw up the dreaded TBC, we get juicy previews for the rest of the season, including fights between EVERYONE: the moms, the guys and of course, the chicks! Is Megan for real? Is Cara a genius in disguise? Although this was just an introduction episode, I have high hopes for the rest of the season. And, big ups to Flippy for giving me a reality show! With dumb, insecure girls! I truly had a TvGasm. Okay, I might’ve faked it a little bit…but I was still satisfied, I swear Flipit!

See you soon, my beautiful babies!

Xoxoxo

PopPrincess

P.S. Don’t forget–the show is moving to its permanent time Monday nights at 9pm on NBC. Hope you all will be watching with me!