Happy Holidays, Gasmii! NBC’s present to us all is a two-hour episode of Momma’s Boys. My present to you, darling readers, is a more photo-heavy recap, just like you asked for. So, let’s settle in and get right into it. And remember, no re-gifting!
Last week, we left off in the midst of KKK vs. Vita. KKK wants JoJo to meet a classy girl like herself who spews racist dreck. She squared off with Vita, claiming not to be a small-minded bigot since she knew FIVE, count ‘em, FIVE black people. Vita rightfully rolls her eyes, KKK tells her to kiss her ass (classy!) and then Vita throws her drink at her. Normally, I would say that’s alcohol abuse, but I fully support throwing anything at this devil woman.
I didnt realize this last week, but Vita totally looks like D. Woods from Danity Kane! I guess after she got kicked out of da band, she went on this show?
Don’t you dare tell me that Showstopper wasn’t a good jam–that shit went platinum!
After the fight, a few of the ethnic girls try to calmly and rationally explain why Vita was so upset. One girl totally likens KKK to Adolf Hitler, and KKK is still unapologetic. Dude, if someone calling you HITLER doesn’t straighten your ass up, I don’t know what will. She stands by her statement that there will be “no mixing” of races in her family.
Vita interviews that no matter how ignorant KKK is, she feels like she should be the bigger person and apologize. So, she sucks it up and says I’m sorry to KKK, who of course, cannot be gracious about it. Dang, the sac on this lady. KKK tells her, “I’ll forgive you, but it’s hard for me to forget.” Someone’s been watching The Hills, and I think it’s more for the lack of black people then for LC’s commentary on life. Vita actually hugs her, and you know KKK is counting down the minutes till she can run and shower.
All the moms have to bunk with the girls. Esther and Lorraine each bunk with a different set of girls. KKK sleeps on the couch and snores likes a freaking bear. What a classy lady.
Yet another quality that KKK hopes JoJo finds in a woman: sleep apnea.
Poor Esther is stuck in the same room as nutty Cara Q., who thinks its a good idea to show Esther her lingerie collection. She pulls out a leopard nighties and a wide range of other Victoria’s Secrets. Esther says thats my taste, I would totally wear that. Esther, I love you, but the mental image ain’t pretty. And Cara, what are we going to do with you? I’m sure there is nothing that a mom likes better then knowing a potential girlfriend for her son packs for naughty sex! She shows Esther a pink sheer number and explains “I brought it for whatever guy I choose” and Esther runs from the room laughing, just like me.
And this is the one I’m going to cry myself to sleep in when all 3 guys dump me. Cute, right?
Next morning, KKK is GLOATING in Vita’s face. I seriously hope that this is a case of reality show editing, because, damn, the woman just apologized to you twelve hours ago. KKK says she butts heads with Vita every time they are in the same room. I doubt that it has anything to do with the fact that you egg her on like a two-year-old every time you see her. My disgust for this woman holds no bounds. Vita says she’s over it and just wants to mellow. Someone get this poor girl a mimosa, stat!
And now it is time for our first elimination ceremony, and guess what: THE MOMS DRESS THIER SONS FOR IT!!! I know my Internet etiquette, but I do believe that a middle-aged woman dressing her 25-ish son warrants all caps. If that doesn’t, then I don’t want to know what does. As the moms pick out what shirts best offsets their sons baby blues, the boys discuss which chicas have caught there eyes. JoJo likes Misty, who’s-gasp!-black, and KKK says she doesn’t trust her because she’s “too friendly” and she won’t fit in. She has tats, boobies, and a chain around her banging body. And she’s attractive, so of course she won’t fit in with KKK.
Michael says Cara is a sweetheart, Lorraine wisely shoots him down. Rob also says he likes her. Esther puts the kibosh on that one quickly. Both Michael and Rob comment on her eyes, and I have to wonder, since when did making your eyes pop out of your head become an attractive quality?
Does this turn you on?
KKK goes over the loooooong list of who she doesnt like, and guess who’s on it. Vita. JoJo wisely tells his mama you can’t judge a woman by her ethnicity, and I have to wonder if he was adopted. KKK threatens to literally kick his ass if she doesnt do his bidding. JoJo seems a bit cuter then I remember, but maybe standing up to Devil makes him more attractive. Sorry, but Rob is still ugly. I took some heat in the comments section last week, so I would like to present to the ‘Gasm the following:
and finally, Exhibit C.
Verdict? Still ugly!
Before the first elimination ceremony, the group has a cocktail party. Vita takes JoJo aside and KKK nearly shits herself out of rage. Vita apologizes to JoJo for yelling at his mom, and she explains her actions in a very understandable way without coming right out and saying your momma would make Hitler proud. Seriously, Vita is gorgeous, eloquent and in the military—what mother wouldn’t want her for her son?
Oh yeah, this one.
Michael kicks off the elimination ceremony and points to a bunch of cell phones on a table, each labeled with a girl’s name. How high tech of you, Seacrest! Close up of Blackberry logo—ohhh, I get it. Product placement. If one of the 3 Momma’s Boys likes you, you will get texted a yes on your BLACKBERRY, if none of the three likes you, you get a no and a one-way bus ticket home. If they are unsure about you, you meet them by the pool where you have to give them a handjob. 10 girls will go home tonight!
The boys excuse themselves and the girls run to find their BLACKBERRY phones (sorry, but I really want a pink Pearl). There’s lots of screaming and yelling as the various girls receive their texts. Rana Lyn is the first to get sent home. Maybe because she looks like Tori Spelling? A few other girls who didn’t get any screen time the first episode also go home.
Donna Martin graduate!
Cara Q has no idea how to read a text message. Shocker. Each time she’s on screen they play some kind of clown music, and it continues to amuse me. Her text says to meet by the pool. Word to the wise: don’t forget the lube!
Other pool girls who will be joining nutbag Cara poolside: Rob-lover Lynette (who asks the camera “Did they not see all of this?” and gestures to her rack) Animal Lover Megan, and Natalie. BTW, I really hate Megan. She cries more then Cara Q, which means ALOT.
Amy leaves with drink in hand, which is also how I like to make an exit. So does Jessica Brown. Be sure to sneak that new BLACKBERRY PEARL in your pocket on the way out the door, ladies! Jessica seems like another dumb cut, but I may be biased becuase she’s from Atlanta and works in the advertising industry like me, so that makes her super-cool in my eyes. Other girls who got a no: Donna, the girl who said she had big balls last week (apparently guys don’t like big balls on chicks?), Amy, Julie (who is GORGEOUS, nice job guys), Amy F., Jessica B.
Vita is the last person to receive her text on her BLACKBERRY phone, and it says meet at the pool. Dun dun dunh!
Cut to a commercial break where Dr. Quinn shows off her new line of ugly ass jewelry (or “joory” if you watched Real Housewives of Atlanta and read ChickBomb’s recaps) Is it just me or, does this look like major T & A? We also are treated to a clip of the upcoming “Howie Do it” a hidden-camera show with Howie Mandel. Dear Lord, will NBC give ANYONE a TV show? At this rate, the homeless guy outside of my work will have a primetime special next month. He does have some interesting theories on the government, so I bet it would be more entertaining the Howie Do It.
Anyways, back to our regularly-scheduled program. We come back to poolside, where all the girls line up in front of the 3 guys and everyone else gets to watch them from the house. Two people from this group are going to go home, and the guys ask for complete honesty as they ask the ladies questions. At least one guy has to save a girl for her to stay; if no guy does, she goes home. I feel for these ladies. They are pretty much getting dumped by 3 dudes in 5 seconds. On national TV. And one of them looks like Rob. Ouch.
Natalie’s up first. Rob asks her if she feels like she got to know him, she truthfully says no. He passes. Rejection #1! Micheal’s up next. Rejection #2! JoJo’s turn. He dumps her as well–three rejections and you’re out sweetie! She gives a really cute exit interview, saying all the guys are morons for passing her up. Maybe next time show some of that personlity BEFORE you get eliminated, honey. Just a tip.
Megan the animal whisperer is up next. She’s all twitchy and incredulous that boys are saying nice things about her. Is this an act, or do I just really hate nice people??? Rob pretty much says he knows she’s a freak in disguise and woud like her to stay. I kinda want to punch her. She acts like she’s never had a conversation with a human being before.
Cara Q. is the next up, and dang, girls eyes POP out of her head. One of the safe girls says something along the lines of “I hate her face, her eyes are popping out of her head” I don’t know who it was, but thanks for saying what I was thinking. JoJo says thanks, but no thanks. Her eyes almost explode. Rob also passes. Michael asks her to stay and her eyeballs land across the other side of the yard. Lorraine, his momma, ain’t too happy about his choice.
Yes, we all see your cool party trick, now please put your eyeballs back in your head.
We are down to our final two–Vita and Rob-lover Lynette, who look like Laila Ali. Vita is called up first, and the suspense is killing me! I’m calling that JoJo saves her. Lets hope he does and KKK has a heart attack. Michael and Rob pass. Come on JoJo!! Does he have a slight lisp? JoJo asks her to stay and KKK calls her a slut and a few other dirty names. Lynette is going home, but first has to be dumped by all 3 guys, which is humiliating. Bad move Rob–she is one of the only girls I’ve seen who liked you.
KKK is already threatening JoJo’s life from across the pool, and calls Vita ugly. This woman is FOUL. JoJo says he saw a little bit of his mom in Vita, both of whom are already fighting in the kitchen. Vita looks KKK directly in the eyes and says “I’m your new daughter in law. Call ME Mrs. B.” Classic!! I think Vita just made it into my top 5 female list. How long before these two have thier own reality show?
I hope Brittany Fuchs is still around just so I can type her name. She is! You know, I didn’t even realize it, but Ms. Fuchs is the same Brittany who KKK loved until she found she was half-Jewish. If I were Brit, I would insist on keeping my maiden name after marrying. You don’t give up a name like that unless you are marrying Joe Peckerhead or Mike Slutbag.
After the elimination ceremony, a few of the girls go to the hot tub to blow off steam and have a burping contest. It’s so loud that Lorraine and Esther can hear it, and Lorraine tells them they are gross and disgusting. Lorraine, you are the only girl in your household, surely you have heard worse? I can remember sounds and smells my brother made years ago that still make me cringe.
The next day is the ladies first suitability challenge. Playmate of the Year Erica brown noses Lorraine by offering her some breakfast. She and Lorraine have become BFFs over the past 24 hours, and she feels bad that shes keeping this dirty, naughty secret from Lorraine.
Our first suitability challenge is an obstacle course with UFC fighters. The head guy is named Dana. Guess UFC is your only option when you’re a dude named Dana. But he’s pretty funny and great in front of the camera, so they’ll probably give him his own reality show. Dana and Co. will be putting the ladies through the UFC 11 minute workout, and the four girl who do the best will be safe from elimination.
The challenge starts and its basically a bunch of different stations–flipping 18 wheeler tires, bicycling, boxing, etc. There are a few causalties of war. Ms. Fuchs breaks a nail, but “rips” would be more appropriate, but home girl works through the pain.
Our three amigos show up, and Michael says it looks like workout time at the Playboy mansion. And now its the boys turn!
Of course, being males, they see it as a race and not as an endurance challenge. UFC Dana says JoJo is doing the best, and that Rob is two seconds away from puking. Tee hee. Thanks for writing my re-cap for me, UFC Dana!
Running the UFC is my day job, but my true dream is to do stand-up comedy. Get down and give me 20 if you don’t think I’m funny!
All 3 boys are sweating, and JoJo collapses in the bushes, Rob is about to have a heart attack and Micheal is doing just peachy. JoJo pukes in the bushes.
Oh, god, we’re related?! BARF!!!
Rob falls on the ground, then pukes. JoJo gets an oxygen mask and Michael also brings a tank to Robert. Bangs helps, by checking his pulse and blood pressure. Rob is at least coherent enough to say this is the most embarassing thing ever.
Playmate Erica stays behind to make sure the boys are all okay, especially Michael. Lorraine is impressed, and interviews that she’s a great girl. I hope her opinion doesnt change too fast when she discovers Erica’s naughty secret…
Robs vitals aren’t looking good and he’s taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I feel for the guy. EMBARASSING
UFC Dana announces the winners. No one quit, but he has to pick the top 4: Camilla, Stacy, Cara Q., and Brittany Fuchs. Dana says Cara is a little crazy and punches like a man. LOLz. Seriosuly, this guy is comedy gold.
3 hours later, poor Rob comes back. Looking healthier, but very embarassed. He thanks his mommy for being by his side, which is super-cute. If it were me, I’d have to invent some super-secret illness that prevented me from returning, because how mortifying is it that 30 scrawny chicks made it through and you got sent to the hospital?
Next up are group dates planned by the Momma’s. Jojos up first, and KKK takes the ladies to the ice rink. As the girls are suiting up to play hockey, Cara Q. runs down the long list of things she hates: scarves, snow, ice, sweater, hats, gloves. We get it, you don’t like the cold.
KKK wants JoJo to go on his first date with Liz and is not happy that he is gravitating towards Brittany. Momma B. calls her a “weasel” and I’m not sure why, since she almost had an orgasm over her until she found out she was Jewsih. KKK wishes she had a hockey stick and a puck to take out Vita’s front teeth. Wish I was joking, but that was a direct quote. Anger issues, maybe? JoJo lines up the girls to pick one to spend more time on a date with, and the “winner” is Brittany Fuchs!!
Brittany Fuchs and JoJo go horseback riding on the beach at sunset. Her teeth are almost as big as the horses. JoJo makes a non-smooth move to kiss her, and it looks very strained.
Back at the house, KKK is complaining that he picked the girl with the big booty. There are worse things, you know, like rampant bigotry. The happy couple return to the mansion’s hot tub, where they start a hot and heavy make-out sesh. Smart, JoJo, right in front of all the other girls you want to bang! KKK looks on unhappily, then waddles to the hot tub and has to call his name 5 times before he stops. She plops her fat ass in the pool and Brittany Fuchs looks so disgusted that she has to look away. Cover your eyes, people! You don’t want to see this!
Sorry, but if I have to see it, so do you.
JoJo says its the utlimate buzzkill to be in a hot tub with a smoking hot girl and his mom. She is a piece of work. She tells him–in front of Brittany Fuchs– to keep his mind open “or I’ll smack you.”
Next is Michael’s group date, and I have to say, he is growing on me! Brother is pretty hot. Lorraine takes the ladies to a fire training school, and Michael takes them through a few different training exercises. Cara Q. says firefighting is not for me. She doesn’t like heat. So far we know her likes are lingerie, and her dislikes are all things hot and cold.
Michael admits his type of girl is blonde with big boobies, and immediatly pulls aside Michelle and Megan, two blondes with big boobs. Lorraine ain’t pleased, and doesnt think that either of them are a good match for her Michael. She wants a more wholesome and reserved girl, like Playmate Erica. Again, I’m not making this up!
Time for Michael to choose one girl for a private date. Erica and Bangs are at the top of Lorraine’s list, but big boobs Michelle is on the top of Michael’s. Who do you think will win, his penis or his mom? Penis! He chooses Michelle. Lorraine whispers “I’m going to kill you” in Michael’s ear, upset that he picked the one girl she didn’t want him to pick. She says she’s not sure why she’s here if hes not going to follow her advice. Mom, its a reality show–he came to get laid, not find true love! Don’t you watch the Bacehlor?
Michael and Michelle’s date is a sunset cruise on a boat. After the boat ride, they get to go to a private jacuzzi where they skip the convo and go straight to popping the champagne and making out. For a really long time. She’s grabbing his booty, he’s pouring champagne on her. Back at the mansion, Lorraine is pacing the kitchen anxiously. I feel kind of bad for her, but its not like he’s dating a mini-KKK, its just a blonde chick with big boobs! Perspective, Lorraine.
Michelle comes home, half-dressed, and immediatly seeks out Lorraine. She talks her ear off about how hot her son is and what a good kisser is. Lorraine is quietly fuming, and Michelle is completely oblivious to it.
Robert’s group date is up next, and since he can’t show them how to do shady mortgages, they go to a winery for a picnic. Esther says Jewish moms love matchmaking and feeding. And she gets to go both today, so she’s totally kvetching. Esther pulls aside Erica, for some reason–why do all the moms love her? Animal Whisperer Megan likes Rob, but is afraid to interrupt him. She is very, very strange. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if there are bodies in the fridge strange.
Rob picks Bangs/Amanda for his private date, which is a private tasting in the winery’s cellars. You can totally tell that she’s not into it. I don’t really like her. She loves talking about herself, and says multiple times that she spends more money on travel then rent. Oh, you are so worldly! At the end of the night, Robert goes in for a kiss. She gives him the first one, but DENIES the second. Poor Rob. He’s the only guy who didnt get to second base on the first date.
I know, aren’t I just fabulous! Let’s keep talking about how great and interesting I am! Aren’t my bangs totally awesome? Discuss.
And now it’s time for our second elimination ceremony! The momma’s meet the boys in thier condos to dress them and dish on the chicks. Lorraine wants the goods on Michael’s date with Michelle. Lorraine cries while trying to explain why she’s so upset with him. She asks him to at least CONSIDER (or pretend to consider, sheesh) her opinion. Lorraine says the only thing she would get out of Michelle is the number for a good plastic surgeon. And don’t even get her started on Slutty Megan. She tries to make a case for “Little Erica” and Michael ain’t feeing it, but Lorraine asks for at least an opportunity with Erica. She interviews that she hpes he’ll give her some credit, and you know he’s going to throw that “you wanted me to marry a playmate” shit in her face for the next 10 Christmasses.
Esther is super happy that her bubbe chose Bangs for his private date, but also puts in a good word for Lauren. Rob says its not really there and asks her to back off. Esther argues for just one date with Lauren.
KKK and JoJo talk, he asks what she would think of him picking Brittany Fuchs. KKK ain’t having it, and when JoJo argues, she immedialty gets all passive aggressive “pick whoever you want, I don’t care.” Be careful what you wish for, momma.
It’s Elimination Ceremony time, but first, cocktail hour! Robert, Esther and Animal Whisperer Megan talk. Rob asks her about kids, and Megan says she doesn’t want any. What?! Cue the record scratch. Megan actually says she doesnt envision herself as a mother. Esther is PISSED.
Micheal meets up with Slutty Megan, but Momma quickly intercepts and brings Bangs to his side. She acts all coy, and tells him about her date with Rob, saying it was “allright.” Have I mentioned I dont like this girl? She’s pumping Michael for information from Rob about thier date, and M just looks uncomfortable. She totally wants to jump his bones, and he couldn’t be less interested. Loves it!
FIVE more girls are leaving tonight. The boys excuse themselves, leaving the girls to thier BLACKBERRY phones. Remember, Brittany Fuchs, Cara Q., Camila and Stacey are safe Since they won the challenge.
Phones begin to ring as the texts roll in. Some girl names Payton gets a no, and so does Vita! Noooooooooooo!!! KKK and Vita actually hug it out as they say goodbye, and both are teary-eyed. KKK says it wouldn’t have worked out between her and Jojo because they have the same personality, but wishes that all her dreams will come true. Vita interviews that there is a nice person somewhere in that icey persona. What?! Don’t let five nice words distract you from the hundreds of nasty ones she said.
Animal Megan gets a meet me by the pool, so Stacey F decides to give her a makeover and cure her of the dreaded Ponytail and Glasses Syndrome. She lets her hair down, takes her glasses off and puts on some lipstick and guess what? She’s hot. Did I call it or did I call it?
Bangs is following Lorraine around like a puppy dog, but Esther is following Bangs around, so Bangs cant get a minute alone with Lorraine to tell her that she wants to fuck her son. Bangs interviews that she doesnt know if they are competing for her or what, and I want to shake her and tell her to get over herself. And while you’re at it, cut your bangs, they look stupid.
Pool time! Carina, Animal Megan, and Esther-favorite Lauren Potter are down by the pool. The boys are stunned by Megan. Yes, what a difference no glasses and ponytails makes! JoJo tells Lauren that she’s amazing, but he doesnt want to date her. Michael’s next, and he also blows her off. She looks disappointed. Rob says Esther loves her, so he wants to keep her around to see what the big whoop is all about. She stays.
Down to Carina and Animal Megan. Megan gets called forward first. Rob says she’s hot, sweet, but he wants a family so buh-bye. She is practically convulsing on the carpet. Micheal congratulates her on coming out of her shell a bit, but says theres no connection between the two of them. Adios.
Please JoJo, send this nutbag home. JoJo says everybody loves you, but she’s shown more interest in the dishes then the guys. She says she’s ready to put herself out there. JoJo keeps her! She looks shocked, and not very happy since she’s shaking like a leaf. Homegirl seriously looks like she’s about to throw up, and just stands there with her hands over her mouth, shaking like a hurt puppy. She tries to get out some words, but makes a bunch of squeaky noises.
To the shock of everyone, Megan says Carina has a genuine connection with the guys, and she’d hate to deprive someone of that chance, even if all three guys didn’t want her to be there. WTF? So she basically eliminates herself, 30 seconds after saying she’s ready to “put herself out there”? JoJo tries to talk some sense into her, saying its not about Carina, its about her, and he’s ready to put himself out there for her, if she is willing to do the same for him. She makes a bunch of weird nonsensical noises, cries, and I want to fucking punch her. I bet she kicks the puppies at her animal shelter and this nice act is all a front. She does a few more dry heaves, then skedaddles. Bitch is crazy.
Seriously, it’s called Paxil, look it up.
Michael and Rob both are sharing a “is this bitch for real” look. She does a long monologue about knowing what it means to be rejected and wouldn’t wish it on anyone else……BARF. She then says this is the best thing to ever happen to her? So WTF are you leaving?
Poor Carina is just standing there with a dumbfounded look on her face.
Oh, you’re still here? Awwwwkwward.
Michael asks her to stay, and they do a group hug to second chances. Awwwwww.
Thanks for joining me through this super-long episode and re-cap! Next week promises to be very exciting, as the momma’s are given a Pandora’s Box, which has a file full of dirty secrets on each and every girl. And with this bunch, you know that’s going to be good.
Happy New Year! Stay classy, and thanks for stopping by….but more imporantly, stay classy.