Money Hungry: Almost Done!

Welcome all you people who watch Money Hungry!  Hello?  Hellooooooo….  Well, I guess it’s just me.  I’ll try not to phone it in.

Remember last week, SexyPanda?  I do!  Last week, BBGG did a lot of scheming, was on the chopping block, and went home.  THANK GOD.

This week, we’re down to four teams:  Pescis, Snowman Teachers, Bouncers, and Team BFB.  Honestly, I’d be okay with any of these teams winning.  That’s fine.  I betcha it’s the Pescis, since they’re throwing big parties and whatnot.  Don’t worry, we’ll find out for sure in a few weeks.  All two people who are watching, that is!

Since there are so few teams left, we spend more time getting to know each team’s motivation for participating, what they want to use the money for.  Bouncers are broke-ass bitches and need the money to survive.  I think both Team BFB and Snowman Teachers could just use some extra cash.  And the Pescis intend to take their winnings to Vegas, to double it.  This plan pisses everyone else off.  It IS pretty cocky.

Oh lord.  As if we haven’t had enough of BBGG, who was eliminated last week.  He’s now calling the house and harrassing the other contestants.  Older Pesci answers and receives an earful of shit.  I can’t even really understand what BBGG is saying, it’s all garbled threats. Younger Pesci strolls up and hangs up the phone.

GO AWAY!

But then BBGG calls back.  Yep, he’s that annoying. He screams about how he’s running the house, running the game, running all the way to an asylum. I mean, holy shit, dude.  Get it together.  Older Pesci just laughs.

Everyone’s getting excited about being in the final four.  They talk about it a lot.  Two girl teams, two boy teams.  They’re all strong teams, but they each have a checkered history with weight loss.  So it just really all depends.

Challenge time!  It’s out on some bridge.  See if you can follow me, here.  On one end of this bridge, there’s a set of four SUV’s, one for each team.  The back liftgate is open, ready to receive.  Receive what, you ask?  Nine tires, painted the team colors.  “Spare tires,” if you will.  And Cortayzee will!  He makes a speech about how they’re all carrying around spare tires.  Har har.

So, then there are several distinct bunches of cars parked haphazardly on this bridge.  The first set of cars are just a little close together and parked perpendicularly, so you have to run through them like it’s a maze.  The second set of cars are just really close together, so the contestants have to really squeeze through.  Then there’s a set where the contestants have to pretty much climb through backseats and such to get through the maze.  The last set of cars are parked really close together so you have no choice but to hurdle over them.  Some do so delicately; Poi does not.

So, each teammate can only carry a tire at a time, but they can both be on the course at the same time.  Back and forth, back and forth, til all nine tires per team are moved from one end to the back of the SUV.  The team with all nine tires in the back, the back door closed, with both teammates present, wins.

I feel like I have nine spare tires on me right now.  Too much socializing over food and drink!

Oh, my bad.  Before we get started, some poor actor has to pretend to be a cop with the $100,000 final prize in a suitcase handcuffed to his person.  Cortayzee gives the teams the opportunity to come up and touch the money.  The girl teams do, excitedly, and the boy teams stoicly decline.

Bad touch

Okay, time to roll.  Back and forth, tires and cars.  Run, run, run.  A few teams realize it’s smarter to have the more nimble person (Poi, Little One, Younger Pesci, Alvin the Snowman) running the back half of the course, getting the tires to the easier section for the other teammate to carry back to the SUV.  So they go.  Serj is getting pissed because he’s just too big to be crawling in and out of Kias.  Pescis are intensely focused.  The two girl teams are focused but seem to be having  fun.  Maybe?

Anyway, the Bouncers start to fall behind, and then so does Team BFB.  So it’s between Pescis and Snowman Teachers.  They both have nine tires, they just need both teammates to be there and that door to get closed.  And….Snowman Teachers win it by a nose!  Seriously, when Cortayzee calls the winners, Pescis are totally sore losers and start stomping around angrily.  Snowman Teachers don’t even bother to celebrate until the replay is shown and, yep, they fuckin’ won.  Suck it!!  (Alvin, though, had the SUV door closed on her head.  Good goin’, Big Snowman!)

Meanwhile, as all this whining about losing and celebrating about winning is going on, the other two teams are competing to see who’s going to be on the chopping block this week!  Well, no need to delay your gratification–it’s the Bouncers.  Ugh.

So, now it’s time for 40 minutes of strategizing.  It’s less about alliances now (though that’s still a consideration) and more about “who can I beat when we get to the finale?”   Little One of Team BFB starts kissing Snowman Teachers’ asses in order to stay–each all girl team has a better shot against other all-girl teams in the finale.  Pescis want Bouncers to go; Bouncers want Pescis to go.  Snowmen want Bouncers to go.  BFB doesn’t care who goes as long as they stay. The only alliance that requires any consideration is Snowmen and Pescis.

There, I just summarized 40 minutes of this show for you.  Sigh.  No one’s watching and no one’s reading, so I almost can’t stand this!  But I will persevere.

Oh, then Little One and Older Pesci are taking a bubble bath upstairs.  Then BFB leaps in.  In the previews, water spilled everywhere.  In the show, it didn’t.  Maybe some slippery handjobs were goin’ on under there, but I doubt it.  BFB did hose herself off in an almost-Flashdance way.  Snowmen Teachers are too uptight to enjoy the hot tub fun–they think everyone else is undignified for playing in the tub.  Boring.

“What a feelin’!”

Team BFB talk about it with everyone, and then Snowman Teachers are slightly convinced that maybe Pescis should vote for THEMSELVES and then go against Bouncers and send ‘em home.  At first, Pescis are like, “No way!” but then they agree to give it some thought.  Interesting strategy.

Oh, did you know that these guys work out?  They do.  Here they are, doin’ it.  It’s getting intense, both because it’s getting towards the end but also because they’re actually, like, IN SHAPE.  There’s some tough stuff being done.  Older Pesci is pulling himself around on a sled in a plank position; Poi is running up and down the length of the gym with a heavy bag hoisted over his shoulder.  No one’s slacking now–they can’t afford to.

How heavy is that anyway?  Several hundo?

A) Those abs don’t look real. B) I want to lick them.  (That’s their trainer, Richard.)

Serj is really feeling it.  In fact, after a workout, while talking to BFB, he’s like, “oh shit, I’m gonna be sick.”  He runs outside to vom in the bushes.

After more yakking about votes and strategies, it’s finally time to vote.  Just two teams are eligible for votes this week–Pescis and BFB.  Bouncers are already on the chopping block.  It really is amazing how much weight they’ve lost at this point.  You can really tell the difference between the real live people and their team photos from the very beginning.

Fat bastards.

So, bite bite bite, vote vote vote.  Let’s go weigh in.

Snowman Teachers lost 3 lbs this week.  Well, they knew they were safe.  So, water.  Yep.  Bouncers are next, and they lost 17 lbs!  WOW!  They’re still on the chopping block, but their percentage is the one to beat if you want to stay in the game.

Don’t be sad–you probably get to stay!

So, the other two teams were up for the vote.  We won’t find out who was voted until they start weighing in, of course.  So, let’s do it.  Pescis?  They lost 16 lbs–from their previous low weight, before all that water weight nonsense.  Good job!  Their percentage is higher than the Bouncers, though, so are they sending ‘em home?

Nope.  They weren’t the team who got the most votes this week.  That would be Team BFB.  So, go weigh in, girls!  BTW, Snowmen Teachers are mad that Pescis didn’t vote for themselves, since that would have sent Bouncers home and made the finale easier on them both.  Oh well, too much hubris, I guess.

Team BFB weighs in and has only lost 9 lbs between ‘em.  I am HORRIBLE at math, and even I know that this means they’re going home. And, yes, Cortayzee confirms it, their percentage is lower than Bouncers.  Buh-bye, girls.  Sorry to see you go, f’real.  They seemed like fun, even if they were a little conniving.  BFB gives a speech about how bleak life seemed before, but now she’s gonna take the bull by the horns.  I really hope she does!

Aww.  Good luck!

So, final three.  Snowmen Teachers, Pescis, and Bouncers.  You’d think we have only one episode left.  I think you’d be wrong–it looks like they eliminate one more team to get to the finale?  I may be wrong, but the preview sure didn’t say “finale” anywhere in it.  Le sigh.  I’m tired of this show, sorry.

Next week!  There’s a challenge!  Little Alvin Snowman Teacher falls off her bike and appears to be taken away in an ambulance.  Older Pesci cries?  And they’re working out hard.  The word “finale” IS mentioned–once.  So maybe it is the end.  Who knows.