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Welcome back, my Money Hungry Gasmii! It’s been a hell of a week, but sit back and get your belly ready for some laffs! That is, until someone you like goes home. Sad trombone.
Last week, the house vote was introduced and the scheming began. It’s like Big Brother up in here! Except the sole goal of these guys isn’t just to stay in the house. They’re also SUPPOSED to be trying to lose weight. (I’m starting to see the flaw in this set-up, but I’m getting ahead of myself.) Anyway, at weigh-in, two teams had immunity (Team Fraud and Joes Pesci) and two teams were on the chopping block (Double Chocolate and Team Cher). The two teams on the bottom actually lost the same exact amount of weight, but since Double Chocolate was smaller to begin with, the percentage of weight loss swung ever so slightly in their favor. Hooray! The most annoying person in the house, Not Cher, went home! We ended last week with Corky worrying that his team now has a target on its back. And I don’t think he’s wrong…
We start this week immediately post-weigh-in. Team Snowman Teachers look beat up as they sit at a kitchen table. They were almost on the chopping block just now, thanks to the machinations of a certain Corky McBackstabby. Corky looks like he might poop his pants a little bit–it’s pretty obvious that he’s one of the teams in the Orphanage that didn’t vote with everyone else. His partner, Melissa, doesn’t look so worried, and I have to wonder if she even knows what’s going on. The Snowmen continue to pick on Team Corky from afar. To escape the hate, Corky goes up to his bed in the Orphanage for a pity nap.
But then he interviews about how he’s worried that he “just started a war”. Then a single cheek lifts into a smirk, like he’s enjoying what he’s done. Well, aren’t you so proud of yourself? Don’t worry, you’ll be scared again soon. And someone else’s scheming will dwarf yours. You’re small potatoes, kid!
The face of a mastermind?
It’s the next morning, and dumpy “we’re bored” music plays as the contestants eat breakfast. Bowl after bowl after bowl of oatmeal. Hey, BFB has blueberries in hers! Just like MY bowl of oatmeal every morning! (I LOOOOOVE my oatmeal. Every morning, and sometimes twice on Sundays! And that’s not a cliche, that’s cold, hard fact.) Team Fraud is sick and tired of the oatmeal. Small Fraud jokes that he’d trade his children for a slice of pepperoni pizza. Ah, I love the “fathers hate their kids” bits. Louis CK does it better, though.
Younger Pesci heads out to the pool to chat with Poi and Serj. Pesci wants to have the Bouncers on board with the rest of their voting blok–Joes Pesci, Team Fraud, Snowmen Teachers, and Deep Dratch are all in this group. (Right?) (Supposedly, Corky’s team is in there, too, but not for long!) Pesci thinks he’s making the Bouncers an offer they can’t refuse. The Bouncers tell us they can think for themselves just fine, thanks, and don’t need the Godfather act. They shake hands and all, but you know Serj and Poi are going to keep it real.
Yes, that body language is very welcoming.
And here’s where I start my line of thinking for tonight, which is not about voting strategy, because I can’t keep that shit straight to save my life. Y’all can figure that out for yourselves. What I’m having a problem with is the weight loss part of this whole show. On one hand, the people who win the challenges are safe for the week, regardless of what kind of weight they lose. The people winning the challenges are the smaller ones, the ones who aren’t in bad shape to begin with. And, yeah, I guess they’d be putting up smaller numbers on the scale since they’re not as huge as the others. On the other hand, the people who stink at the challenges will be on the chopping block, and since the weigh-in determines who’s going home, they need to really lose weight. And it seems like the biggest/most out-of-shape teams are the ones losing the challenges, and they’re probably the ones who’d lose the most weight at a weigh-in and smoke y’all. So, the more fit people are going to keep winning, and the fat people are going to go home. Eventually, it’ll be survival of the fittest, which makes no sense for what’s being touted as a weight loss show. It’s just a Big Brother of Love show with an extra layer of blubber for our entertainment. Not cool. Plus, losing $10,000 to some of these jerks has got to hurt.
It’s time for today’s challenge! Woot! The teams get a note and are told to giddyup at 11AM. The Bus of Doom takes them to a ranch or rodeo or something. Cortayzee greets them, looking like a glamour-muscles version of Eddie Haskel. (Still, come on by and date me, would ya, Corteez?) Cortayzee reminds the contestants on how these challenges work. The team that wins gets immunity–and gets to grant immunity to one other team. The team that loses is on the chopping block for the week. The team that gets the most votes in the house vote will be the other team on the chopping block. And someone WILL be going home.
This week’s challenge is called “Chubby Chasers.” The needle scratches on the record when the contestants hear this. Cortayzee says, “I don’t name ‘em, I just ‘splain ‘em.” Groan. This was after some elaborately hokey intro to the challenge, explaining that weight loss often feels like “running in circles, chasing that elusive goal”. So, be not surprised when I tell you that the Chubby Chaser Challenge has to do with running around in circles, chasing after team flags.
“I don’t name ‘em, I just ‘splain ‘em.” UGH. (Call me!)
Five teams will square off at a time, spaced evenly around a circle in the paddock. There are little wooden ramps built in (for her pleasure), but it’s otherwise just a flat run. The catch is that the teammates are tethered together. So the same shit can’t happen this week like it did last week, with one team member hauling ass and the other one dragging ass. Nope, they have to do it together, or die alone. Or together. Whatever. First team whose flag is captured loses that round; the last team standing wins. They’ll run two heats, which will give us two winners and two losers. Then the winners will do a head-to-head heat, as will the losers. Got it?
I love that VH1 gave me this graphic so I didn’t have to waste time explaining it! Thanks, friends!
In the first round, it’s the nimbler folk–Team Fraud, Joes Pesci, Rocker Moms, Snowmen Teachers, and Double Chocolate. I hate to say it, but I think I know who’s goin’ down first. Let’s see. Oh, it’s Double Chocolate. I was right. Rocker Moms are having a problem–Crazy Hair Carrie pulled something in her leg. Rocker Moms are out, too. Oh, then Snowmen Teachers are out. So, it’s just Pescis and Frauds. Since they have a gentlemen’s agreement to keep each other immune, it doesn’t really matter who wins this round. Frauds let the Pescis take their flag.
Round two has BBGG, BFB, Deep Dratch, Team Corky, and Bouncers fighting it out. There are boobs bouncing on all of them. BBGG’s commentary cracks me up. “I’m runnin’ around a field, two big white people chasin’ me. Is this Roots reincarnated?!” Bouncers are gunnin’ for Team BFB, and they get ‘em, just as BFB tears off BBGG’s flag. BBQWTFOMGROTFLMAOTTFNYMMVPDQ! What just happened? Wow.
Here’s where the editors put in the sound effect of bulls bellowing and stampeding. Thanks.
That’s, like, 2000 lbs piling up there.
Ahem. Team Corky catches up to Deep Dratch, so now it’s just Bouncers and Corky. And Team Corky takes the win! That means they go to the winner’s heat with the Pescis. I don’t think this bodes well for Corkies. Aaaaaand, I’m right. Corky thinks he has strategy for the running-in-circles thang, but turns out he was wrong. Pescis have more endurance and are faster. Boom, Pescis win.
Now the two losing teams duke it out for the chopping block status. It’s Double Chocolate versus Team BBGG. Neither team wants to win; neither team wants to lose. In the end, though, it’s Team BBGG that will go to the chopping block. By the way, BBGG’s narration during all of this isn’t too annoying and actually makes me giggle. Mostly because he talks about having to poo. I love poop talk.
Back at the house, Crazy Hair Carrie is telling her friends about her pulled quad muscle or whatever brought her down during the challenge. Old Pesci waddles through in his stupid sunglasses as Italian accordian music plays. Oh lord, I’ve found a new team to hate. Though it’s a tough call. Pesci ambles over to the Frauds, who facetiously ask who’s getting the immunity. Old Pesci just laughs. On Confession Cam, the Frauds sit in their hoodies, then pull back their hoods to cackle about their scheming, like a couple of witch tits.
Joes Pesci talk proudly of the way they’ve cobbled the house together into a mafioso to do their bidding. It’s them, Frauds, Snowmen, Deep Dratch, and the newly adopted Rocker Moms. Team Corky is O-U-T. BTW, what is that tattoo on Corky’s arm? Shamu? Really? I love Shamu, but I wouldn’t get it tattooed on me, especially not if I was still kinda large. Maybe it’s a penguin. Still, not really instilling an air of masculinity.
Maybe Shamu needs a pack of smokes rolled up in his sleeve and big jacked up arm muscles to make this more masculine?
Speaking of Corky, he’s moved out of the Orphanage and into the yellow room. He actually heads for Not Cher’s old bed. I think those sheets might be sticky soon. They play the clip of Not Cher singing during the team introduction, and I laugh. It sounded bad back then, and it sounds worse now. (To be fair, I think they slowed it down just a hair to Elvis her up a bit.) I went to her MySpace artist page last week to see if that voice is any better when it’s over-produced. Are you shocked that it’s not?
The contestants are at the gym, hoofin’ the day away. The trainer, the guy whose name no one will remember, is talking to Crazy Hair Carrie about the intensity of their workouts. He explains that they wouldn’t be doing this every day if they were trying to lose weight a normal way. It’s just this crazy reality show atmosphere that has them killing it at the gym all day. (Actually, how long ARE they at the gym?) His point is that you gotta keep it healthy, whatever you’re doing. If you’re not healthy, you can’t do ANYTHING.
Oh yeah, that guy. The one saying things we already know.
Also, I think lip piercings are cool and all, but my pet peeve with them is that the person’s always playing with it. But I do know what it’s like–I used to have my tongue pierced. But unless I was really being acrobatic about it, you didn’t really know I was fiddling with it at all. (I had it for seven years, and then it broke some teeth on it when I chomped down on what I THOUGHT was a crouton. One crown and three fillings later, I think all the damage has finally been fixed.)
BBGG is feeling pretty dejected at this point. He rightly notes that it’s hard to stay motivated when you feel like you’re always going to lose. Hey, BBGG, think of the $10,000! Ya know, that you worked so hard to….raiiissseee….okay, maybe the money’s not a big motivator. God, if my grandfather gave me $10K for a dumb TV show, I’d lose 100 lbs a day until I won, and then buy him a gold-plated car of his choice in repayment! But all of my grandparents are dead, so…
Actually, BBGG’s partner reminds him of his grandpa’s wallet, which motivates him to call Grandpa to check in. (Does he call him “Fat Daddy” when he answers?? I think so. And Grandpa calls BBGG “dude”!) Anyway, BBGG tells us how sick his grandpa’s been lately, all sorts of heart issues related to being obese. He’s also diabetic, taking insulin three times a day. BBGG then reveals that he’s also diabetic and has to give himself shots. He knows he’s on a short road to major illness, much faster than his grandpa. So he hauls himself back up the hill to the gym and gets back on that treadmill. You go, BBGG!
Some of the “Orphans” are sitting in the hot tub, scheming. Poi’s in the pool with water weights, hangin’ with Serj and BFB. They can tell what the hot tub orphans are up to, which is to keep the orphanage safe from house votes, vote out everyone else, and be strong til the end.
Serj starts to talk about how the heavier teams (who happen to be the ones outside the protection of the Orphanage) deserve to be in the house longer because they have more weight to lose. Well, this is true. Except we’re really not talking about a weight loss show anymore, now that these stupid house votes are in effect. Also, you know I hate this entitlement idea to begin with. As much as I’m on your side, buddy, I can’t stand for this talk of who “deserves” anything!
The next morning, we’re back at the gym, hot and heavy. Old Pesci goes up to Serj, who’s working up a good sweat on the treadmill. Old Pesci matter-of-factly states that Corky’s going home, so, “Ya know, try to vote with us, okay? We want you to stay.” Serj sighs and stares straight ahead, saying, “That sounds like a threat.” What?! What threat is there? “We THREATEN to keep you on our side and keep you safe?” I mean, yeah yeah, it’s basically emotional blackmail, but it’s still not a THREAT. Oh, these people. This is why house vote shit sucks. We’re wasting my time! I’m supposed to be recapping a weight loss show!!!
Anyway, Old Pesci and Serj bat around that phrase for a while, “Sounds like a threat,” “Well, it’s not,” until Pesci realizes he’s not getting through and walks away. Serj ends with a little cocky, “We don’t need you; you need US” interview, and I’m like, “Huh? HOW? They need you to…lose challenges? To move furniture? To clog the drain in the hot tub with back hair?” Delusional.
Old Pesci heads back up to the Orphanage to report this strange interaction. He reports it totally truthfully, that he gave the Bouncers good information about the vote, that they all hoped the Bouncers would be able to stay, and that Serj considered that sentiment to be a threat. Everyone’s all “WTF” as much as I am. Serj is either drinking the crazy skim milk or he thinks he’s being “smart” by overthinking the game play he earlier vowed he wouldn’t play.
More accordion mafioso music as Old Pesci spreads the word to the other teams. Double Chocolate gets buttered up first, with the news that Team Corky should be oustered this week. He’s kind of a dick to Double Chocolate when he says, “Get it right, or else it’ll be stressful.” Now THAT is a threat! And is condescending to boot!
Younger Pesci is working on BBGG as he chews on a big salad. For now, the plan is still to demolish Team Corky. BFB and partner wander by the pool, and Old Pesci greases them up with vote advice. They’re skeptical about said advice, as they should be. But, they’re smart enough to be like, “Yeah, sure, awesome,” to Pescis’ face while still having their own strategies. In trying to remain impartial, Serj totally killed his tenuous alliance.
Rocker Moms and Team Fraud are chatting with Old Pesci by the pool. Pesci juts out his chin like Brando as he drapes his arms over water aerobic weight thingies. Since the Bouncers aren’t playing nice, the target turns to them. Rocker Moms and Frauds look a little like they think this is a ridiculous turn of events, but…no one wants to go against the Pescis right now. Oh, part of Deep Dratch is there. She hasn’t really spoken yet, so I don’t have much to say. Also, where is the other Rocker Mom? Beth? I’d love to have something fun to say about her, but she must be hiding. Same goes for Corky’s partner, Melissa.
Okay, now the plan changes again. Wait, what? The Pescis are going to go to Corky to tell him to go to the Bouncers to let them know that the house is voting for them at weigh-in. Except that they’re not, they’re just throwing Corky off the scent and scaring the Bouncers a little into being more compliant with the house bullying. This is SO STUPID. And they’re taking it so seriously! I know money’s on the line, but fuck off!
Also, I am SICK TO DEATH of Old Pesci’s tats and stupid sunglasses. YOU LOOK DUMB.
Old P heads off to scare some sense into Corky. “If you want to get back into our good graces tonight, you’ll vote for the Bouncers.” Corky wisely asks what happened to bring about this change of plans. Old Pesci says it doesn’t matter. That’s because the answer is, “My penis gets engorged with blood at the thought of having control over anything but my own bladder and bowels. ENGORGED!!” I mean, he’s an unemployed “professional” gambler, right? That man knows nothing about being in control of anything. When Old Pesci waddles off, Corky shakes his head at Double Chocolate with a sad smile. They know what’s up.
Corky weasels out to Serj right away, letting him know that the Bouncers will supposedly be up for elimination this week. Serj walks away immediately. Heads will roll!
Serj is getting something out of the fridge as Old Pesci walks by. “Trying to vote us out of the house?” “You don’t want to game play?,” is Pesci’s answer. Huh? This is ridiculous. The Pescis tell us that they run the house, and that they’ve “dug holes bigger than Dave.” Whoa, now that’s a threat. What the fuck? Serj questions the Pescis’ honor that they’re always bragging about, and Pesci is pretty much like, “Tough titties, my friend.” He’s eating a Granny Smith apple as intimidatingly as he can. Which is to say, he looks ridiculous. A chubby bald man with bad tattoos, moobs, and stupid sunglasses indoors, whining nasally about how awesome he is? No thanks.
I’m scared! Mommy, hold me!
I kinda feel bad for Serj. I get where he’s coming from. He and Poi just want to do the whole weight loss thing and stick to that. To them, all this house vote nonsense is stupid. And they’re right. However, like it or not, they still have to play along somewhat. Ya know? Also, I get the feeling that Serj normally relies on his size a lot to get his point across. His words aren’t so effective, so he hulks at you to get you to back down. Unfortunately, that’s not working in a house full of heavies, and it sure isn’t working against Pescis.
So let’s catch up. Corky’s been the target all this time, for his dis-allegiance to the Orphanage. Pescis didn’t care for the Bouncers’ sense of independence, so they threw a smoke bomb in the form of having Corky tell the Bouncers that they, the Bouncers, would be up for elimination. At the time, that was just a ruse. But now that Pescis feel like they haven’t dominated the Bouncers enough, they change tactics and decide to ACTUALLY vote out the Bouncers. I am rolling my eyes.
Poi’s doing a lot of talking tonight. Welcome, Poi! He and the non-Orphans (Team BBGG, Team BFB, Team Corky, Double Chocolate) are going to have to stick together to force a tie against the Orphans. They’re tired of the Pesci bullshit and want to stay one step ahead of their dumb scheming.
I’m beginning to really like Poi.
So, who are they going to vote against from the Orphans? Rocker Moms or Deep Dish, maybe? Sounds like they’re settling on Rocker Moms. I’m not sure I’m following their logic, though. They say they want to get rid of stronger teams, but one of the Rocker Moms is hurt and they haven’t been putting up big numbers so far. I don’t get it. Oh wait. Now I do. They won’t lose as much weight as BBGG and partner, so they’ll go home. Told you I wasn’t meant for scheming.
No nickname for her yet, though she’s cracking me up. I’m slow to warm to her because she looks like this super-mega-bitch I work with. Dead ringer. (Hope you’re not related!!)
The next day, BBGG is killing it at the gym. He knows he needs to drop a ton of weight in order to beat the other team that’ll be on the chopping block. The Bouncers help him out, keep him moving through all kinds of cardio. Are these people doing any strength training at ALL?
Evidence that they ARE strength-training. Who’s THIS chick, though?
It’s votin’ time!! It’s apples again—gross, mealy Red Delicious apples all over the place. Teams Pesci and Fraud aren’t up for the vote, as they have immunity. Team BBGG isn’t on the table because they’re already on the chopping block. So, it’s between the other seven teams. Rocker Moms are a target, and so are the Bouncers, I think. But who knows? A Team Corky upset could be in the making.
They’re clapping for the Pescis and their immunity. That’s why everyone (except Melissa) looks pissed. Get it together, girl!
Voting, biting, biting, voting. I start to gasp in horror at some of the HUGE bites that people are taking, and then I remember that part of the fun of eating an apple is cleaving off a chunk into your mouth. I rarely bite the whole thing through and through—I just break a hunk off. I do think BBGG took two bites, though.
Time for weigh in! BBGG’s partner looks really pretty tonight. So does Rocker Mom Beth. My hair never looks that cute when I put my bangs up. I would, however, like to smack BBGG for that stupid microphone making a reappearance. (Apparently, so would some of the other contestants.)
Joes Pesci weigh in first, just to check in for the week. They lost nine pounds this week. Team Fraud’s next, and they also lost nine pounds. The Bouncers gripe about the Frauds, saying Tall Fraud’s body is what those two are aiming for as a final goal, and Short Fraud wouldn’t be funny if he weren’t fat. Ouch!
BBGG and partner weigh in, and they lost ten pounds. That’s it? It’s good, but it might not be enough to stay. I really think they could have lost more. Then again, I’ve had weeks where I’ve been really good in the gym and at the dinner table, and I didn’t lose as much as other weeks when I slid into bad habits and lost a ton. You just never know.
Other teams weigh in. Nothing terribly exciting happens. Not until we get down to Team Corky, Rocker Moms, and Bouncers. Serj and Poi weigh in first, and they’ve lost 18 lbs. Wow! Cortayzee warns that if the Bouncers are the team that got voted on, Team BBGG would be going home. Except they weren’t the team that was voted onto the chopping block! The Pescis look puzzled up there in the bleachers during weigh-in, but in an interview, they tell us that they never voted for the Bouncers—they just wanted to scare them a little. Uh….maybe.
Team Corky steps up to the scale. They lost 12 lbs, and their percentage weight loss is greater than Team BBGG. If they’re the team that got voted in, Team BBGG is going home.
They DID get voted in. The Pescis look smug, like they own this house. AH, not so fast! The house vote DID produce a tie!!! The Rocker Moms were ALSO voted onto the chopping block! So, it really is all down to weight at this point. Finally, this is a weight loss show.
Team Corky already beat out Team BBGG, so they get to go sit down. It’s all between Team BBGG and the Rocker Moms now. Biting my nails! They lost six pounds this week, which isn’t enough to beat Team BBGG. They’re going home. Awwwwww. These two are totally the collateral damage in Pesci’s awful scheming. Boo. I’m gonna miss ‘em.
Moments away from the sad trombone.
Love those pants! Where’d you get ‘em? Please tell me somewhere easy and cheap. That’s what SexyP is all about.
Pescis and Frauds look totally pissed at having their plans blow up in their face. Poi sums it up for us this week—the non-Orphan teams bonded this week, forming a little “Family.” And the Family’s totally gonna kick those Orphans out, one by one. (Wow, that sounds really harsh.)
Next week, the challenge involves a pool, some flotation devices, and some moobs. It seems like there’s a strategy going to pick on Team BBGG, and BBGG loses it. The Pescis pester the Bouncers again, this time sucking up to remain in good favor. I guess this doesn’t go over too well, because next week is the week we see Serj screaming, “You want weakness? I’ll show you weakness!” (Which, ahem, is kind of a nonsensical threat. Justsaying.)
Breaking News: My interview with Josh (Corky) was a game-changer, as far as nicknames go. I knew I’d be cutting it close to call a contestant “Corky,” but I never thought it’d be THAT close. I promise that by next week, Josh, you’ll have a new nickname.