Money Hungry: Finally (Finale!) Satiated

It’s the finale!  Finally!  Money Hungry!  Let’s go!

Welcome, all five of you who faithfully watched this show with me!  Are you glad that we’re going to finally learn the outcome?  WHO has won the ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS?  I know I’m excited.  Let’s go.

So, last week, we eliminated Team BFB, leaving us with just the Pescis, the Bouncers, and the Snowman Teachers.  There was a challenge that involved cars, which the Snowman Teachers won, giving them immunity and guaranteeing them a spot in the finale.  The Pescis weren’t far behind (and were pretty sore losers, to boot).

This week, in an extended (1.5 hour) episode, we learn the fate of the final three teams.  It’s a lot of working out and weighing in, with some talking and some challenge-performing sprinkled in.  Let’s just get started.  I’m already running out of steam.

First, Cortayzee subjects us to a retrospective of the past season so far.  The only cool thing about this clip montage is that we see just how fat everyone was to begin with.  I mean, we didn’t see Biggest Loser style losses from these guys, but they all dropped crazy weight and really made changes to their bodies in the short time they were on the show.  They all look like deflated balloon versions of themselves. (They also keep playing the clip of the one puzzle challenge with Younger Pesci yelling at Older Pesci, “Are you outta your MIND??!”  I love those guys.)

Also, Bigger Snowman Teacher’s hair was really dark in the beginning.  I guess she only used a semi-permanent color, cuz that shit is a lot lighter now!  I know, priorities, Panda.

So, it’s morning in the Money Hungry house.  Peeps are hurtin’.  Snowman Teachers are upstairs, lamenting their paltry weight loss the previous week.  Pescis wonder if the girls hit their plateau or something.  Me, I think they had immunity and got lax.  Also, Little Alvin Snowman doesn’t seem that big.  Big ‘Un could stand to drop more and could do so pretty quickly, if you ask me.  Man, how skinny I’d be if I had all day to work out…

Poi and Serj are sitting on their beds, trying to rally for the day.  They just ache and don’t want to move.  But Serj rightly notes that the reason they’re still here in the competition is because they’ve been getting good numbers on the scale, so they just have to focus on that.  Lose weight, lose weight, and lose weight.  Ergo, they must get their hinders to the gym.

Younger Pesci’s got 99 problems, and a Panda ain’t one.  He’s seeing spots, he can’t focus, and he generally feels stiff and icky.  (Sounds like a personal problem.)  He whines about it a while, considers trying to sleep it off, and then he finally calls his doctor.  Good!  Seeing spots, for real, isn’t a good thing.  The doc sounds concerned but not in an alarmist way and asks Younger Pesci to shake his head.  Does it hurt?  No, but it’s gross to hear his jowls wobble as he shakes.  Over and over.  (Thanks, editors!  Where’s my “slow and deep” effect I like?)   In the end, the doc is kinda like, “Maybe your blood sugar is low,” and that’s about it.  Younger Pesci starts writing his will, calling the tombstone company with his engraving request while he’s at it.

“So you’re saying I’m already dead?”

Older Pesci heads up to the gym to alert the Bouncers to the upcoming funeral.  They’re sweethearts and act very concerned.  I mean, the way the Pescis are selling this, you’d really thing Younger Pesci was on the outs.  The editors ham it up, too, playing sappy Lifetime music as Older Pesci cry-interviews about the seriousness of the show.  COME ON.

Time for the last challenge of the whole competition!  Somehow, Younger Pesci brings his hospital bed, wheelchair, dialysis machine, and ventilator with him to the challenge, because, daggone it, he’s going to compete.  Snowman Teachers are like, “Oh well for you!  Yay for us!”  FORESHADOWING.

The bus pulls up on some deserted road along the coastline.  Cortayzee awaits amid a long course of Money Hungry paraphernalia.  It’s a long, slow, dramatic walk up to the start line.  Teams speculate on the other teams’ prospects of failure or success.

I’ll miss you, Corteeeeeez

Cortayzee has lots of lines this week, explaining all the rules and such with the winners and money and such.  Because, ya know, the winner of the challenge has an automatic spot in the finale (the Ultimate Weigh Off, they keep calling it).  That team also automatically gets back their $10,000 entrance fee.  The other two teams would have to weigh in against each other later in order to determine the final runner-up.

So, the challenge is this:  Ride a large tricycle with a platform on the back up to a block, pick up the block, and bring it back.  There are nine blocks, and to the Bouncers’ dismay, they’re puzzle pieces.  No!  Not more puzzles!  Once all nine blocks are back home, put the puzzle together.  You’ll get a code.  Run to the other end of the course (one mile), unlock the box using that code you got from the puzzle.  Then run back to the finish line with the contents of the box you just unlocked.  The first team with both team members over the finish line wins.

Got it?

And they’re off!  There’s not much to say at this point.  Younger Pesci is doing a lot better, miraculously. (I’ve been here.  Maybe it was psychosomatic.  Maybe the adrenaline kicked in.  Maybe both. I get it.)  Snowman Teachers and Bouncers aren’t doing too bad either, though Bigger Snowman needs to haul ass a little more.  She gets a few of the blocks and then turns it over to Alvin.

And then Alvin meets her demise.  Seriously, though, she sprints after Poi and catches him, then passes him, then….totally fucking wipes out.  We don’t really get a good angle on the thing and there’s not really much of a replay, so it’s hard to tell what happened.  But either she cut the wheel, wobbled, or caught the edge of the road and totally went over the handlebars of this trike, landing all cockeyed on the ground.  COMMERCIAL!  (I just rewatched it in slow-mo.  I was already concerned that the bike was wobbly as she rode, and it looks like the wobble got the best of her.  Then she careened dead-on into one of the guard rail thingies.  OUCH.)

We come back, and she’s totally laid out on the ground, bike mangled up between her legs and on top of her.  She’s crying in pain.  Meanwhile, Big Snowman is hanging out at the start line waiting for her.  Where’d she go??  An ambulance rushes past and, oh shit, something’s wrong.  Bigger Snowman runs to catch up.

Ouch.

Meanwhile, the two other teams are still biking around her.  I mean, they COULD stop, but the ambulance is coming and they’d be in the way, right?  And then Bigger Snowman is there.  And the competition is still going.  So, the Snowmen know they’re out.  Poor Alvin is in so much pain, it’s actually kinda hard to watch.  Her knee hurts, her other leg hurts, her shoulder, her arm is all torn up.  Ugh.  I’m surprised there’s not a head injury in there to ice that cake.

I make pouty faces as Bigger Snowman comforts her friend, especially as Alvin apologizes for fucking up. “Oh, you know I don’t care!”   Alvin cries, “We’re gonna get third place!” and Bigger Snowman laughs, “Who cares??!”  So sweet, my eyes well up a little.  Poor things. I’d be doing the same thing, I know it.  Aww.

So, anyway, Alvin’s off to the hospital and Bigger Snowman knows their number is up.  Meanwhile, Pescis are done collecting boxes and have put their puzzle together.  It’s a picture of their fat asses on one side and their starting weight on the other.  That starting weight is their combination for the lock on the box a mile away.  The Bouncers aren’t far behind, but are actually far enough behind that the Pescis walk most of the way to their box.

Unlock the box, would ya?  Thanks.  Inside are bags containing the exact amount of weight each teammate has lost, and they must carry these bags back with them to the start line.  It’s 47 lbs for Yonger Pesci and 39 lbs for the older one.  And it’s 73 lbs for Serj and 59 lbs for Poi to carry back, too.  Yikes.

Bigger Snowman is still at the start line, bored and not doing a thing, so she starts doing step-ups on the boxes.  Hey, they have a weigh-in tomorrow and Alvin’s not going to do much to help with a broken body!

So, even though Bouncers are running and giving it their all, they come in second.  That’s right, Pescis win it again.  They are guaranteed a spot in the finale and also get their $10K back.  Sigh. Fine.  They earned it.

Well, back up to the gym!  Bigger Snowman is up there, running and giving it all she’s got, since she’s the only one who’s going to pull any weight loss for the team this time around.  Little Alvin is still at the hospital–good lord, hope she’s okay.

Ah, but now Little Alvin is home!  She’s all on crutches and is generally a mess.  The top of her tibia is broken and all sorts of other stuff is messed up.  They washed the gravel out of her wound and set her up with some choice painkillers that apparently do nothing for her but make her vom.  Oh, and we see all the vom, in full.  Thanks, VH1!

It’s the next AM.  Alvin can barely get out of bed–she’s totally roadkill.  Bigger Snowman asks if they should just shit-can it now, and Alvin toughs it out.  I mean, weigh-in is tonight, just stick it out, right?  Suffer and go home later!  Ha!

Alvin seems to be in better spirits as she heads to the gym in her wheelchair.  Everyone else is just going apeshit in their workouts–this is IT (well, almost), and Alvin feels useless.  So she starts wheeling herself around the gym and punching the heavy bag from her chair!  Oh, I think her doctors probably don’t approve.  But, it’s funny.  And bless her for trying…

Poi calls home and feels sad about not being there to see his baby crawl for the first time.  In other words, he’s just about ready for all this to be over.  Aren’t we all??

Weigh in!  Snowman Teachers are up first, and it’s painful to watch Alvin get up on the scale.  Poor thing!  They lost four pounds!  Not bad for a few days’ of weight loss!  Cortayzee makes a comment about how hard they worked, and I think, “yes, and all of Alvin’s puking,” and just as I think that, they show it!  I should be a VH1 editor!

Bouncers weigh in.  They lost 11 lbs this week, sooooo….Snowman Teachers are going home.  Sorry, girls!  It’s sad that they wiped out like that on the final challenge.  What could have been??  They cry, they hug everyone, and…oh wow, Pescis give them their check for $10K, the entry fee they just won back.  How fucking sweet is THAT??!

Oh, and just cuz, the Pescis have to weigh in.  They gained weight.  Hi, water weight!  They seem a little more chagrined about it this time than they were before, and that’s because water weight shenanigans aren’t predictable.  Wouldn’t it be fun if that blew them out of the winnings at the final weigh in?  Don’t worry, it won’t.  Oh, snap, I gave it away.

There’s a lot of blowhard speechifying going on in this episode, and I’m sparing both of us from the misery of it.  Cortayzee is definitely earning his paycheck, as are the writers of this hyperbolic bullshit.  God, just weigh in and be done already, wouldja?

Oh, not before I mention that the two remaining teams bicker a bit and trash talk, and then they all work out a lot. In exotic places–hillsides and trainyards and in a field, chasing chickens.  Pescis even dramatically drag their beds up to the gym to sleep there.  Yeah yeah yeah.

Finally, it’s the finale weigh in.  I’m sorry, the “Ultimate Weigh Off,” which sounds like a cooking contest to ME.  All the families are there–Serj’s wife and dad; Poi’s wife and kids; Younger Pesci’s wife and kids; and Older Pesci’s BFF and some other random chick with bad eyeshadow.  There’s a really long segment with Cortayzee playing Dr. Phil and interviewing the families about how hard it’s been, etc.  I can’t stand to recap it–the episode is online if you must watch it for yourself.  Poi’s girls are adorable, and Younger Pesci’s wife is really pretty.  I forgot that Serj was as young as he is (25, I think?) because he looks SO old.  His wife looks like a teenager.  It’s fun to see the families.

Serj’s wife and dad sitting on top bleacher; Poi’s wife and kids below

Older Pesci’s friends on top row; Younger Pesci’s wife and kids below

So they show footage of their loved ones at their starting weight, shirtless and belly-ful.  And then the real life people bust out of the smoke screen in the back.  They’ve lost weight!  And dressed nicely!  And shaved beards and such!  Poi and Serj look TOTALLY different.  Pescis just look nicer than usual.

Weigh in.  Bouncers lost a bunch, but Pescis lost a bigger bunch.  (It’s calculated as total weight loss percentage over the course of the entire show, FYI.)  So, the Pescis won!  I knew it! Only a team that won $100K on a reality show buys a lounge on Staten Island and throws mad parties every night while their reality show is still running.  Good for them!   The guys are all sweet with their families, they all hug, the kids are cute, and Cortayzee hands the money to Mrs. Younger Pesci.

Aww, I love pics of Dads with their kids.  And Po’s baby’s face is SO FUCKING CUTE

And that’s a wrap, folks!!  What’d you think?  Do you like/hate who won?  Would you watch this show if it came back for Season 2?