Money Hungry: Sloooow and Deeeep (Dratch)

Well, well, well, ‘Gasmii.  What are YOU doing here?

Oh, you think you can handle the Thunderdome of the house vote this week?  You think you can take the Pescis in a battle of bravado?  You think you can outlast BBGG in an endurance challenge? (Well, who can’t?)  You’re in the right place.  You’re Money Hungry.  Welcome.

Last week, I just about flipped my lid with the histrionics at play within the house. “Wah wah wah, we shook hands.”   Oh my GOD, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!  Oh, wait, it’s over now.  Yeah, so last week, the Family alliance took out the Orphanage with a calculated hit against Team Fraud (AKA Pair of Nuts).  They almost succeeded in getting the Pesci duo out of the house too, except the Pescis killed it in the gym and lost a ton of weight.  So the Fraudulent Nuts went home.

This week, the Orphan alliance is down to three teams:  Pescis, Snowman Teachers, and Chicago Deep Dratch.  We still have BBGG, BFB, Lame-ass Penguin Tat, Double Chocolate, and Bouncers in the Family alliance.  Seems to be a pretty cut and dried win for the Family this week, right?

That’s what they think!  They’re chillin’ in the pool, not bothering to work out.  BBGG, in particular, is actin’ a fool, balancing a volleyball on his lips and barking like a seal.  We get an extra close look at his ample bosom with that shot.  Yuck.

Seriously.  Way bigger than me, and I’m not known as having a flat chest.

Meanwhile, the Orphans are at the gym, sweating their (pair of) nuts off.  They’re speedbagging, they’re rowing, they’re ellipticalling.   Not Dratch (Marilu) of the Deep Dratch team tells us they’re all giving it 150% in the gym, and I’m just glad they didn’t use the hackneyed “110%”.  Whatever percentage it is, they’re working really hard because their alliance is at a disadvantage.  Again, the Family alliance is blowing fart bubbles in the pool.

Lunch time!  Penguin Tat’s sitting at a table with a very bored looking Stephanie (BBGG’s partner).  Apparently, Not Cher wasn’t his only crush in the house.  No, Penguin Tat has a taste for chocolate.  He sounds like such a douche as he talks about her, saying she’s gorgeous “not only for fat-house standards.”  (She is, actually, but that’s not the best way to talk about it.)

Not-Very-Masculine Penguin Tat’s got game, as he comments to Stephanie that the chicken isn’t very good tonight.  She agrees.  Man, this is some hot stuff going on.  Makes me realize how lame all my previous love affairs have been.  Me, I need a lover who’ll talk chicken to me.

Nifty Fifties “Earth Angel” style music plays as Penguin Tat chews in Stephanie’s general direction.  BFB’s partner, the hated coworker lookalike Jackie, is also sitting nearby.  So, it’s not like lube and precum are on the table–they’re just eating lunch together, bored.  So, it’s especially funny when Penguin Tat’s partner, Melissa, sits down and the music stops with a lurch.  Poor girl just wants to eat her lunch, not knowing the editors have it out to make her look like a big ol’ cockblock.

Penguin Tat makes me laugh as he tells us how he’s never had a problem with girls, and that he thinks he’s one of the best looking guys in the house.  Oh boy.  He worries that if he pursues his interest in Stephanie that his partner will be upset.  “Women complicate things,” he sighs.  He wishes the house were full of ugly women.  To some viewers, dude, your wish was already granted in episode 1.

Smaller Snowman Teacher locates today’s note–there’s a challenge, kids!  The note is hastily scrawled by some intern on a legal pad, definitely not written by the Cortayzee.  But who cares–the Cortayzee has summoned thee.  Get to it!

Get to it, they do!  On the way, the Pescis remind us of how their alliance is dwarfed, so they MUST win the challenge.  The Bouncers tell us they’re there to lose weight and win money, so don’t get in their way!

Q: How has the bus been making it up the driveway all these weeks?
A:  It HASN’T.

The Bus of Doom pulls up in front of a cookie shop.  Snookie’s Cookies, to be exact.  Man, I hope there aren’t any pickle-chip cookies in there.  Or, God forbid, actual Snookie cookie.  I may have just barfed a little bit.  (Don’t worry, there’s more barf to come!)

Is it just me, or does that look like “Snookies Coochies”?

Everyone’s shitting their pants about the challenge being in a cookie shop.  BBGG is all, “We’re at a mother-fucking cookie shop.”  Double Chocolate is marvelling at how they haven’t had sugar in weeks.  Deep Dratch (who’s looking lovely this week, bof’em, I say), is like, “What are we doing at a cookie shop?  It’s a weight loss show!”  Right, right, I understand your concerns.  Double Chocolate makes me LOL, for some dumb reason, when one of them says, “What…the crap.”  I don’t know why it’s funny, IT JUST IS.

Oh, by the way, BBGG brought the stupid fucking microphone with him to the challenge.  OH GOOD.  Cuz I don’t hate that thing at all, right?

Cortayzee is all smiles, welcoming the gang into the cookie shop.  He tells them that this week brings forth a little change to the status quo.  What’s that?  Well, no more house vote.  In one of my favorite editing tricks ever, after the contestants express dismay and disbelief and “what’d he say?”s, they show Cortayzee again, this time in a slooooow, DEEEEEEEEP voice, saying, “Noooooo hoooooouse vooooooote.“  Seriously, love it.

So, basically, the team that wins the challenge is still the Big Heavies.  They still get to choose one other team to be immune that week.  But everyone else is responsible for their own asses at weigh in.  UH OH, FATTIES WHO FARTED IN THE POOL.

The teams walk back into the kitchen to get this challenge started.  They’re met with big ol’ trays of big ol’ cookies.  Everyone’s immediately salivating–wouldn’t you be?  BBGG’s big upper teeth get a fabulous close-up as he waxes poetic for us about the different kinds of cookies and how wonderful they’d be in his mouth.

Yep, it’s come to me picking on someone’s teeth.

The challenge works like this:  Each team has a “holder” and an “eater.”  The eater has 15 minutes, right now, to eat as many cookies as they can.  Why would they want to eat all those cookies?  Well, because each cookie sits atop a 1.25-lb weight plate, and a dozen cookies equals 15 pounds that the holder will have to hold later on.  Eat more cookies, and the holder has less to hold.  The last team holding their tray wins the challenge.  So, do you want to win at weigh in, or do you want to win the challenge?  To eat or not to eat?

Team BFB makes me laugh.  The Little One says, “Oh shit.  We’re eating cookies.”  Like, in a worried tone.  BFB is like, “Oh sheeeyit!  We’re eatin’ COOKIES!!”  Like, excited.  So great.  I laughed.

Right off the bat, Poi starts chowin’ down on some cookies.  So does Younger Pesci.  Penguin Tat and his Pilgrim-lookin’ partner, Melissa, tell us that they’re NOT eating cookies. (She speaks!!)  (And really, she looks like a Pilgrim!  I’ll come back to that.)  BBGG isn’t eating any cookies.  Neither are the Snowman Teachers.  Little One from BFB is having a cookie.

Poi is eating and eating and eating, especially because no one else in their alliance is eating cookies (except for Little One).  He’s eating two cookies at a time, actually.  Younger Pesci’s having a few, too, but I don’t think he can keep pace with Poi.

Commercials time!  My absolute favorite these days is right here waiting for me.  It’s the 1-800-Contacts ad with the guy with “special eyes.”  I love the shit out of that ad, man.

Back to the show!  Finally, the eating portion is over.  It’s time to hold.  (That’s what he said.)  There’s some trash talkin’ from the Pescis, about how they’re “the landlords” and are going to start kicking people out. Oh, shut up.

They all go about 15 minutes before suffering the first casualty. It’s Double Chocolate.  No worries–there’s no such thing as the chopping block this week, really.  Remember that they’re all up for elimination, except those with immunity.  Meanwhile, I’m guessing the rules say you MUST have two hands on the tray at all times?  Or else I’d be totally holding the tray with one arm to give the other a rest, wipe up my sweat, etc.  I guess they couldn’t do it that way or they’d be there all day.

Anyway, a bunch of other teams drop their trays, too. After Double Chocolate, it was Little Snowman Teacher, then Deep Dratch.  Finally, BBGG lets go.  BFB confirms that she’s the only girl left and crudely humps the air in front of her in celebration.  I love her.

More time elapses.  The contestants get sweatier.  BFB’s mascara is starting to run, and Penguin Tat’s glasses are slipping down his nose, librarian-style.  Serj looks totally chill, and that’s because he’s holding a totally empty tray.  Good work, Poi!  Older Pesci’s sweating a bit, but he’s hanging in there.

The trash talking starts once it’s just Penguin Tat and Pesci.  Which kinda doesn’t make sense because y’all know Serj is going to win it, right?  Anyway, Penguin Tat further enlightens us with his delusions, about how he’s been a target NOT because he’s a schemer but because he knows so much more about weight loss than anyone else in the house.  (Remember his VH1 bio AND our little interview from a few weeks ago?  Penguin Tat aspires to be a personal trainer and has already lost a bunch of weight.)  I’m sorry, dude, but you’re a target because you’re annoying people.  THAT is why!

Penguin Tat makes all kinds of fun, sweaty grimaces as he struggles to hold on.  Pesci soothingly tells him, “It’s okay, you can let go.”  Like he’s slipping into the light or something.  Penguin Tat wants to hang on to show everyone, Stephanie in particular, how manly and strong he is.  Well, too late.  He drops the platter.  Bye!

O-face?  ew.

Now it’s between Serj and Older Pesci.  We don’t see how many cookies Pesci’s holding, but I think it’s a handful.  Serj is still holding an empty platter, looking bored to tears.  Poi’s tummy starts to revolt from the 3600 calories of sugar and fat he just consumed, so he heads out to puke while the rest of this plays out.

Bored…

Sick…

Shooting a wad…

The sloooooow, deeeeeeep voice effect is back!  YAY! This time, it’s for Younger Pesci, cheering for his partner.  I finally get to see, and he’s holding six cookies.  So, 7.5 lbs.  More sweaty grimaces. More sloooow, deeeeep cheering.  I fucking love it.  Oh, and I fucking love it more when Pesci drops the tray.  Family wins!  Bouncers win!

Besides drooling and heaving into the street, did Poi actually vom?  Anyone know?

Stephanie’s trying on jeans up in the bedroom, and everyone’s sitting around to watch.  Penguin Tat, in particular.  He always looks so mopey when he’s watching girls he like.  Is that his game?   Sad them into dating him?  Anyway, the Bouncers try to have a little fun with him, teaching Penguin Tat how to flirt by flirting with each other.  Well, that is, Serj is holding Poi’s hand, explaining the energy of love flowing between them with just that touch.  (Oh no, it’s Not Cher’s song, coming back to haunt me!  “With one touch, you amaze me…”  Blech.)  Poi’s all, “ew, get offa me!” and then they wrestle on a bed that I fear will break beneath their collective weight.  (It doesn’t.)  Penguin Tat is embarrassed to be a part of it.  I think it’s hysterical.

Get to the gym!  That’s right, Deep Dratch is already there, hoofin’ it on the treadmill.  They’re all there, all the Orphans.  The Family?  Still lazing about.  Okay, now, dummies.  The weigh-in is the sole determinant in who goes home, so what are you doing??!

The next morning awakens, and there’s a new note in the kitchen.  They’re going to the beach, y’all!  Everyone’s excited.  They seem to all have their workout gear on, but maybe they’ve got some frolicking gear with them too?  BBGG is the only one not thrilled about going to the beach–he hates sand.

Oh, wah.

When they get there, oh hai!  It’s their trainer, he of the veiny arms and not much camera time. They all sigh.  Richard (their trainer) starts them all off with 100 jumping jacks.  Some of ‘em are all over it, and some of ‘em poop out pretty quickly.  COME ON.  This isn’t hard.  I know sand changes things a bit, but you’re here to lose weight.  You have $10,000 riding on you losing enough weight to stay.  So, get to work!  But nope, BBGG stands there looking annoyed.  The Bouncers are worried that their alliance is getting too complacent.

The gang does more sand-based workouts.  They toss medicine balls and chase after ‘em.  They crawl after them.  They toss them to each other.  Holy shit, Bigger Snowman Teacher needs a sports bra.  BBGG and his knock-knees sit there, sulking.

Yep, those are some looooong breasts.

Working hard.

As they all pack back into the Bus of Doom, some are wearing towels.  I hope they means they got to do a little swimming and sunning!  I know the Pacific is cold, but buck up and enjoy it!

Back at the house, Penguin Tat levels with his partner, the Pilgrim.  He’s got the number to a flower shop and will be sending flowers to Stephanie, but only if Goody Melissa is okay with it.  He’s really worried that since Goody Melissa is desperately in love with him, she’ll be upset and it’ll ruin their partnership.  Not so fast, Hubris.  Goody Melissa’s just pissed because Penguin Tat’s head’s not in the game.  They didn’t come here to date, they came here to lose weight and win money.  So get your weiner back in your pants and lose some weight.  Jeez.

See??

(Penguin Tat wishes…)

The Bouncers have immunity, and they have the chance to offer one other team immunity, too.  So they hold an utterly pointless meeting, gathering information and pleadings from the other teams who want that immunity.  Um, doesn’t everyone want it?  I get the idea, that they want to know if anyone feels like they’re having a really great week and doesn’t “need” immunity.  Then they can eliminate that team from the selection process.  Most teams have somewhat legit reasons (but mostly self-serving and semi-shady guilt trips) for the Bouncers to consider.  BBGG is an asswipe who says,  “Imma be blunt.  I want it.”  Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.  Balance balls on your nose and playing with your own breasts doesn’t burn a lot of calories.  And for being one of the biggest guys in the house, he does not have a stellar weight loss record.  At this point, something should have kicked into gear, and it really hasn’t.  The entitlement this bitch has is driving me nuts.

I have to give mad props to the Bouncers.  Instead of swaggering around the house, big balls all a-blazin’ like you KNOW the Pescis would do, they’re giving this whole thing some serious thought.  Sure, part of it is motivated by their own sense of survival.  I get that.  Some of it’s also motivated by worries of pissing off the wrong people.  Got it.  But mostly, they seem like they want to be FAIR.  I really respect that.

The next morning, bright and early, BBGG is up in the Bouncers’ room, again bluntly asking for the immunity.  Seriously, where does he get off just asking for it like that?  Nay, demanding it.  I am really getting irked.  If he were kicking his own ass in the gym every day, AND if he were more humble, my GOD, give him the immunity.  But he’s not!  He’s an entitled brat with a diva complex!  Get outta my face, BBGG!  Funny, though–the Bouncers actually consider giving it to him, as pure self-preservation.  As long as BBGG is around, they won’t be going home.  It’s true!

Oh, actually, what happens now is a series of pleas from each of the Family teams to the Bouncers.  “Please, give US the immunity.”  Penguin Tat goes first, selling out “Mo” (Goody Melissa) as being a big ol’ lazy pig this week. (Camera evidence seems to support it, but still.)  Poi considers it.  And for the record, Penguin Tat seems to equate his love life nervous poopies with bad weight loss weeks.  Huh?  Or is he just trying to say that Goody Mo has her period?  Yeah, that’s a bad week to have a good weigh in.  So why’d the camera show Stephanie?  Is she on the rag too?

Little One from the BFB partnership comes by with her appeal.  Her tactic is to say, “If WE had immunity, you guys would be our choice.  Enjoy the delicious guilt sandwich I prepared for you!”  Poi looks sick.  Also, why does Serj’s face look so much thinner in the show footage than it does in the interviews?  I know they film some of this stuff out of sequence, but…unless he gained all his weight back at the end of the show, the thin-face/thick-face should be the other way around.  I’m confused.

While everyone else is appealing for the Bouncers’ mercy, Deep Dratch are working hard in the gym.  They, and smaller Snowman, are the only ones there.  There’s a pretty kick-ass sequence with Dratch boxing with Veiny Richard.

Oh, then the doorbell rings.  It’s a flower delivery.  Oh mercy.  I roll my eyes.  It’s a vase of tulips, which Penguin Tat eagerly takes to deliver to its intended.  I’m all set to lose my eyeballs altogether as they roll back in my head, until he finds Goody Mo and delivers them to HER.  Awwwwwww!  The smile on her face is precious.  See, guys?  It’s THAT EASY.  You can pick up something at the grocery store on your way home if you must, or better yet, have something delivered to her at work.  You will get LAID.  Trust me.  Well, you’ll at least get a smooch.  I can think of a few flower-givers that I’d NOT bone.  Sorry.  And really?  Sex aside, it really is just NICE.  It brings smiles.

See??!  Happy!

But when the other contestants chant, “KISS KISS KISS KISS,” Penguin Tat, with boatloads of maturity, runs away.

Back to begging for immunity.  Older Pesci comes over to appeal to Serj, waving off the vitriol of last week.  The ol’ mafioso music is back, as Older Pesci makes the veiled threat that he’s going to pick off the Family once he’s in the position to.  So, ya know, give him immunity, please.  Oh, right, because if you do, you’ll be safe from the hand of God.  Right.  We all know how this works by now, don’t we? WAIT, THEY SHOOK HANDS AGAIN.  oh no….

We’re doomed.  (We = viewers.  Handshake BS, part deux.)

Time to gather in the living room for what WOULD have been the house vote.  No more mealy Red Delicious apples for you, kids.  No, this week, the Bouncers head into the kitchen and write down on a card who they’re giving immunity to.  And that’s IT.   As the guys head into the kitchen, they still haven’t made up their minds about whom to give immunity to.  BUT, at the crucial moment, they have a moment of clarity.  And the card? It is done.

So, now it’s time to weigh in.  Bouncers go first, just to check in for the week.  They lost 7 lbs.  Not terrible considering they knew they were safe.

And now it’s time for the reveal. Who’d they choose for immunity?

NO ONE.  They left the card blank.  I almost slow-clapped this, alone in my living room. That was absolutely the smartest decision they could have made.  Sink or swim on your own, bitches.  Lose weight or don’t, and if you didn’t, you’re going home.  Of course, the one flapping his gums most angrily about the decision is Ms. Entitlement himself, BBGG.  Hey, numbnuts.  Do the work to lose weight, and there’d be no reason to be angry about this!  Ugh, he frustrates me.  Oh wait, just to make me hate him more, he jaws off about “deserving” to be there.  SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Suck it, you entitled bitches!

Actually, several teams seem to be pissed.  BFB and partner are upset. Pescis are spitballing their new sets of threats.  It’s just silly.  And I love the Bouncers for it all the more.

Penguin Tat and Goody Mo head up for their weigh-in first.  They lost 11 lbs, which ain’t bad!  So much for periods and Goody Mo eating like shit, huh Penguin Tat?  Still, since any team could go home and they’re the first to weigh in, they have to stand on the chopping block until being replaced.

Team BFB lost…oh no, only five pounds.  In a normal context, NOT on a weight loss show where all you do is work out and eat healthy, this would be fine.  In fact, losing more than 2-ish pounds a week is not recommended.  But for staying in the house and keeping your $10K?  Not so good.  They’re on the chopping block.

Snowman Teachers gained a pound last week, but their weight loss this week is compared to their overall lowest weigh-in (as per the rules, supposedly).  They lost 10 lbs this week, so they’re clearly safe.  Double Chocolate lost five pounds, but since their overall weight is lower than BFB’s, their percentage weight loss is higher and they’re safe.  (I’ve been drinking rum, and this “there/they’re/their” shit is challenging me.  My backspace key is getting quite the workout tonight.)

Pescis lose nine pounds.  They’re safe.  At this point, only BBGG and Deep Dratch are left.  Cortayzee asks Little One if she feels confidant, and she starts crying.  Aww.  This is sad.  I don’t really know what they’ve been doing, but I think they’ve been working harder than BBGG, so they will hopefully get to stay.  Let’s see.

BBGG comes up for the weigh in.  Stupid microphone.  And…they lost three whole pounds.  Yeah, good job.  The burden of proof lies solely on BBGG, too.  Seriously, this guy should be hitting bigger numbers than that just by breathing and drinking some water.  I’m shaking my head in disgust.   Poi makes a face that echoes my sentiments.  “See?  This is why we didn’t give anyone immunity.”  BBGG is worried that they’re going home, since Deep Dratch has spent all this time in the gym. You SHOULD be worried.

So, what happens next?  Deep Dratch weighs in and… OMG, they only lost two pounds.  Two stinkin’ pounds between ‘em.  Oh, bless their hearts.  They overdid it in the gym, they overtrained, their muscles are full of water.  (or, *smallvoice* maybe they weren’t eating right?)   Shit.  I didn’t want them to leave.  Sad.

Please don’t go!

They’re sad, too.  Tears.  Remember, these two gave up their own money for this.  Marilu cashed in her 401(k)!!  In this economy!!  Dratch has been working two jobs–she sold her car.  She lost her savings.  That was it.  Shit.  What really sucks is that they were the only ones at the gym that morning.  What also sucks is that they weren’t even considered in the immunity-granting, since they were A) with another alliance and B) obviously working so hard to lose weight.

At least BBGG has the sense to be somber about it on the chopping block.  In the interview, it’s another story.  BBGG thinks he’s hot shit, saying they’re “flawless”.  Um, no.  You’re not flawless.  You lost ONE POUND between you in one week on a weight loss show.  That’s a pretty crappy showing, and you should be embarrassed.  But, that’s the rum talking so I’ll stop there.  (Seriously, LAST NERVE.)

Oh wait, it’s confessional cam!  And it’s Penguin Tat, off to one side.  Why?  Oh, because Stephanie’s going to come in, too.  And Penguin Tat’s gonna man up and tell her how he feels.  He says that he has a crush on her, and he hands her a single tulip, ostensibly from Goody Mo’s vase.  Stephanie giggles and smiles.  And that’s that.  I presume we’ll see more of this next week.

So, what’s next week?  Looks like there are some football field drills and a gigantic puzzle.  Pescis grouse at each other about it, but that’s par for the course. Everyone who didn’t get immunity last week is crying into their cornflakes about how shitty it is that the Bouncers withheld on them.  BBGG goes to the Pescis and offers to switch alliances. BBGG looks so proud of himself.  He better work out some more, or this will (hopefully) be the last week see of his big ol’ teeth.