Money Hungry: This Family Hates Orphans

 

“Bye, kids!”  Mean daddy!

Well, hello!  I didn’t see you there!  I was too busy strutting around in a pink thong. Wait, I’m lying–I was actually crying before jumping in the pool.  Wait, that’s not true either.  I was just getting really angry when things weren’t going my way.  Oh, who cares what I was doing before–it only matters what I’m doing now, which is telling YOU what happened this week on Money Hungry!  You ready??  Let’s go!

Remember last week?  That’s when the house vote system really went nuts.  The scheming was ridiculous and took over the whole show.  Did the contestants work out at all?  Who knows–all I saw was some bald New Yawkers fussing with everyone’s voting strategy.  The Rocker Moms eventually took the fall when the “Family” alliance forced a tie during weigh-in, ultimately sending one team from the “Orphanage” home.  The tone has been set–what happens next?

First things first.  I promised Corky a new nickname.  Here it is:  Lame-Ass Penguin Tattoo, or Penguin Tat for short.  I loved all the very thoughtful suggestions y’all came up with, but in the end, it needs to be something memorable that happened on the show for me to remember it, and that tattoo is memorably bad.  (But it’s a good story on how you got it, Penguin Tat!)

Confirmed: It’s a penguin. Not Shamu.  (Shamu is cooler, FYI.)

Anyway, Penguin Tat’s standing around with the rest of the Family, going over the last vote and how things are in the house.  He’s been getting called some rotten names.  It’s kind of a shame that the money and the whole reality-TV-elimination system has broken people down like this.  We see it happen on Biggest Loser, too, but I don’t see gangs forming on that show like they are here.  Usually, there’s one person who’s the punching bag and the rest kinda suck it up and deal with it.  With dignity.  Ain’t no dignity here. It’s war. A dumb war.

Still hasn’t spoken, except for a commercial lead-in.

Penguin Tat tells us that he expects to receive votes every week–he and his mute partner definitely have a target on their backs.  But not to worry, the Family will stick together (“Family first,” they say) and vows to stay humble.

See?

Poi lays out the alliances for us, in case anyone’s having trouble keeping up:

The Family = Bouncers, Team Penguin Tat, Double Chocolate, BFB and partner who looks like a bitch I work with who nearly runs me down in the parking garage, and Team BBGG.  (Don’t worry, I’ll adjust the nicknames as soon as there are few enough of you for everyone to keep it straight.  BTW,  “everyone” = me.)

The Orphanage = Team Fraud, Team Pescis, Snowmen Teachers, and Deep Dratch.

Poi’s sick of the Pescis’ scare tactics.  Serj starts bitching about how this is isn’t the East coast, it’s the West coast, and “We do things differently here.  We’re straight up with people.”  Um, isn’t that an East coast thing?  Being straight up with people?  It’s MY East coast thing, at least.  And I’ve never felt out of place being like that.

Serj encourages the Family to just keep cool, work hard, and stay positive.  Everyone’s on board, and with that, Serj heads off to “drop a few demons.”  I LOLed.

One of the Double Chocolates gets the note for this week’s challenge.  It’s in the water–suit up by 10 AM.  Older Pesci makes a joke about being chased by sharks.  Keep looking like an elephant seal, and they might chase ya!  I kid, I kid.

Ahem.

Tall Fraud notes that the challenge could be a problem for someone who can’t swim–”good luck!”  The Not-Dratch partner of Team Deep Dratch is getting nervous.  She speaks!   She’s afraid of the water–deep water, diving, oceans.  She ain’t happy with this being a swim challenge.

The contestants head out on the bus–every week, it must get easier and easier for that thing to get up and down that hill.  It’s still carrying some serious tonnage, but nothing like that first day when it just wouldn’t make it up the hill.

We arrive at an outdoor olympic-sized pool.  Hey, it’s Cortayzee!  He’s smokin’ up the joint in a crisp white t-shirt.  (Take it off!)  He’s excited for this challenge–he thinks it’ll be a good one.  Not Dratch starts to tear up and shake with the anxiety of the situation.  Dratch keeps rubbing her back and trying to talk her into keeping calm.

Hi there.

So the challenge goes like this.  There are nine sets of rope grids at one end of the pool, one for each team.  There are sixteen colored balls of each color on tethers at the other end of the pool.  Teams will grab one ball per trip (that’s what she said), swim down to the rope grids, and attach the tether to the grid under water.  Sounds fine, right?  Oh, but the twist is this:  the first team to have all their balls tethered is ELIMINATED. The teams don’t have to clip their own colored balls to the grid–they have to systematically eliminate other teams and try to be the last team standing!  Well, it’s good they have these two alliances, isn’t it?

Cortayzee gives the teams some time to strategize.  The Family decides to go for either Pescis or Frauds, ultimately deciding on the Frauds.  The Orphanage decides to pick on BBGG first, Penguin Tat next.  Huddle, huddle…let’s go!  (And YAY, that maybe it’s not going to happen every week that the slimmest teams are immune!  Maybe I was wrong!)

Aww.  More footage of Not Dratch panicking about the water.  The Orphan alliance strategizing tried to take into account that Not Dratch can’t swim, but bottom line?  She’s gonna have to get in the water.  And it looks like the entry point is deep.  She won’t be able to touch, and she knows it.  Hence the panic.

Aww.

It’s almost time for the challenge–time to take off your clothes and put on your goggles.  Pescis, of course, because they themselves are superior specimens of the perfect human form, make shitty comments about what people look like in their bathing suits.  Newsflash:  you ain’t perfect (and neither am I).  Also, haven’t these assholes already seen everyone in suits at the pool back at the house?  What need was there to say something now?  Oh, for camera time?  Of course.  (And yes, everyone’s obese and in the flesh.  It’s not pretty.)

NSFW? 56 DD?

*Tweet!!!*  (<–That was the whistle, FYI.)  Challenge ON!  Right away, the Family heads out to get Team Fraud.  Oh, but the Orphans are aiming for Team BBGG.  He’s pissed.  But soon, it’s his turn to get in the water.  He and his moobs splash down and head off for Team Fraud’s grid.  Poi’s heading that way, too, ready to mow down anything that gets in his way.

After Dratch gets a ball hooked up to the grid, she swims back to tag Not Dratch.  Not Dratch sits on the edge of the pool for what seems like forever, tentatively attempting to get in the pool but chickening out.   Finally, Dratch leads her over to the very side of the pool, so she can get in at the corner.  I wonder how long all of this ACTUALLY took, and how much was edited to seem like it took eternity.  Also, I call bullshit on the fact that once she was in the water, Not Dratch was TOTALLY fine and CAN swim!  She just doesn’t like jumping in and/or not being able to touch!  Ugh.  You’d think that for $10,000, you’d get over that a little faster.

Is Penguin Tat wearing a women’s bathing suit?  Oh, I think it’s a tri suit.  Hmm.  Anyway, Penguin Tat delivers the final blow to Team Fraud–they’re out!  Team BBGG is close behind.  Then Penguin Tat delivers another final strike to the Pescis!  Yay!  They’re out, too!

Over in the losers’ lounge (the steps to the side of the pool), Team Fraud and Pescis are sulking.  BBGG and partner are cheering on the rest of their alliance, and it’s pissing off the ousted Orphans.  BBGG is pretty damn obnoxious here, and boy oh boy, does that boy like to clap!  He claps to punctuate almost everything he says!  His hands must hurt right now, cuz he’s really going apeshit.  His hair’s flopping all around, as are his breasts.  (Um, they’re WAY bigger than mine.)  He’s doing the “oh no you di’n't” head waggle quite a bit, too.  Team Fraud says it’s a bit like Ursula, the sea witch from The Little Mermaid.  I hate to laugh at that, but it’s so apt!!  Oh lord, I’m going to hell.  (Meet me there?)

I had to rewatch to get the screen grabs…

…and I got the giggles all over again.

If you watched, you know how dead-on it really was.

Eventually, the Family alliance gets all the Orphans out.  So now it’s just the Bouncers and Double Chocolate, and DC lets the Bouncers take the win.  So now they are the Big Heavies, in name and in size.  The Family alliance dominates, AND they have control over immunity for the week.   Serj jokingly (I hope) shouts, “I AM POSEIDON!!!” from the pool.  Meanwhile, Pescis joke that when Poi and Serj hug, it’s like two bears hug-fighting in Alaska.  And again, I hate to laugh, but it’s apt!

Back in the Orphanage, the Frauds and the Pescis are sweating it out.  Wah wah wah, Team Fraud is upset because $10,000 of their money is on the line.  Exsqueeze me, baking powder, but I’m pretty sure those t-shirts you and your buddies are wearing are advertising the sponsors who put up THEIR money for you to go on this show.  So far, you’ve given them about three hours of air-time on a national channel, so you’ve done your job.  Stop crying.

Anyway, they know they have to kill it in the gym to be able to stay.  Pescis are still on this house vote strategy bullshit and keep talking about getting one team to flip from Family to Orphanage.  Shut up and get to the gym, ya dingus.  Younger Pesci reminds us of the pact he and Serj supposedly have, that they shook hands and agreed not to vote for each other.

The handshake heard ’round the world.

Oh, it’s the mafioso music again as Younger Pesci heads up to Serj and Poi on the treadmills.  He reminds Serj of their handshake alliance, and harps on Serj honoring that.  Serj alerts Pesci to the fact that everyone in the house wants to vote for him cuz he’s a dick, and he says, “That’s fine.  Just don’t give me YOUR vote.”  He wants a three-way tie, and he wants Serj to honor that fucking handshake.  Don’t worry, you haven’t heard the last of the handshake yet!  Serj seems to recall the Pescis approaching Double Chocolate, trying to get them to vote for the Bouncers last week.  So, according to him, that handshake alliance is OVER.

Now the Pescis and the Bouncers are walking down the hill back to the house, talking about this Double Chocolate bullshit from last week.  Serj is convinced that the Pescis ordered a hit on him and Poi.  Younger Pesci feels like he’s talking to a cinderblock because they didn’t ask anyone to vote for the Bouncers.  I’m too lazy to really keep count of who voted for what, especially when we’re talking about a week ago, but I’m pretty sure that the three-way tie wouldn’t have happened if even ONE team had actually voted for the Bouncers.  So maybe the Pescis are legit.  I love the guy, but I think maybe Serj isn’t so bright.  He’s stuck on this idea that Double Chocolate got approached to flip their vote.  Well, then go TALK to them, if that’s what you think!

Oh, more handshake talk.  Stupid handshakes.  Ask Judge Judy.  Handshakes don’t mean shit, I don’t care what coast you’re from. And I’m sick to death of the whole thing, so I can barely recap it for you.

The two teams head back towards the house.  Serj is pissy and throws something at the fence near the pool.  Younger Pesci calls his stupid handshake “gold” and gripes about it not being honored. Serj parks himself down on the couch with a bowl of cereal (wait, oatmeal, more likely) and the Pescis stalk the house like a pair of hyenas.  They suck.  Bouncers really want them gone.

Later, we hit the gym again.  This time, the trainer (remember him?) has a little switch-up workout planned.  They’ve been slogging away at cardio and weights for so long now, it’s time for some fun.   Richard the Veiny Armed tells BBGG he’s especially going to love this coming workout–a good friend of Richard’s is coming in.  It’s a she.  BBGG automatically thinks it’s Lady Gaga.  Hold up.  What makes you think some dinky VH1 show is going to get Lady Gaga to come in and dance with them?  Wow.  Pssst….it’s not Lady Gaga.

“It’s Lady Gaga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Not Lady Gaga.

It’s just some chick with a mohawk.  She’s here to teach them how to dance, emphasizing core work and whatnot.  The group starts off with some basic left-right bouncin’.  Younger Pesci doesn’t even try, just stares amazedly at everyone else.  Oh, just do it, ya doof.   Even Old Pesci’s getting into it!   Younger Pesci’s apparently still so angry about the Bouncers that he can’t dance.  They “challenged his manhood.”  I’m sorry, were they measuring cocks or how long you can bang a lady?  I don’t think so, it was a STUPID HANDSHAKE.  Anyway, Younger Pesci sits it out and stews.

Meanwhile, everyone else is learning the routine and having some fun.  BBGG, especially, is loving this.  He’s a dancer, it’s in his soul.  As all of Twitter blew up with the other night, he “pops, locks and drops like a pussycat doll.”  (Ugh, they all LOVE him.)  Boy can move, I’ll give him that.  I don’t know how his flesh isn’t shearing off his limbs with the sheer G-force of his moves, but he’s movin’!  (I can feel my own batwings flopping hard when I’m trying a new move, and it’s not comfortable.  And I weigh less than half of that guy.)   BFB is boppin’ around in the back–she can move pretty well, too!  I hope we get to see more of her soon.   I’m surprised they’ve kept her so quiet so far.

Old Pesci got a little dance fever himself, and some banjo music plays as he struts his stuff.  He looks more like Axl Rose than anything right now, and BBGG can’t help but engage him in a dance-off.   BBGG calls Old Pesci the filet mignon, “And I’m the steak knife, plate, and A1 sauce, baby.”   Old Pesci’s just hootin’ it up and having a good time, lookin’ a little like my great uncle Joe, and BBGG’s got his deadly serious queen face on.  I think BBGG wins it.  Younger Pesci is twitchy and unamused.

BBGG vs. Cotton Eye Joe

The next day, the Pescis are whining in the Orphanage. Younger Pesci’s heading up to the gym to blow off some steam. On his way through the living room, he encounters Poi. It’s kinda hard to tell from the way the camera’s set up, but I think Poi purposely stopped a bit too soon to put himself in Younger Pesci’s way, but I’m also pretty sure that Younger Pesci knew he’d be brushing by pretty close in a “You’re nothing to me, so I’m pretending you don’t exist” way.  Words are exchanged, cock size is measured, and Younger Pesci brings out his “I’ve dug holes bigger than you” threat again. WTF is that?  Honestly, of all the guys in the house, he’s probably one of the cutest, but his personality sucks right now.

The other hottie in the house, Tall Fraud, is hitting the heavy bag with vigor.  He’s all hoodied up and obviously going for a big water weight drop at weigh in.  Meanwhile, the Pescis are squabbling about the stupid fucking handshake while cycling on the recumbant bikes.  It’s almost as amusing to me as them arguing on the elliptical or issuing threats while eating a Granny Smith.

Poi just lost some of my respect, as he starts calling trash out to the Pescis.  They hear him from the gym and descend down the hill in a cloud of dust and obscenities.  “Fat fuck” is their favorite, I think.  What’s that, elephant seals?  Who’s the fat fuck?  Anyway, Poi’s stirring the pot and that ain’t cool.  The Pescis don’t know control, so they come out squawkin’.  Poi keeps egging them on.  Younger Pesci offers to take the fight upstairs where the cameramen aren’t.  As IF they’d let you do that!  Then Younger Pesci starts repeating, “You’re weak, you’re weak, you’re weak.”  Serj is about to blow his stack.  BBGG is in the pool, shrieking for Younger Pesci to stop it.  Oh, here it is, the ol’ “You want weakness, I’ll show you weakness” rant.  Which still doesn’t really make sense.

It’s okay, I say nonsensical things in anger, too.

THANK YOU, commercial break.  Jesus.

Wow, how cool is it that a guy named “Money Hungry” got to work on a show with his exact name?!  That’s awesome!

We come back from the break to Poi and Younger Pesci *thisclose* to coming to blows.  Luckily, a producer steps in and breaks it up.  The bouncers walk away, but stupid–STUPID–Pescis keep shouting after them.  Oh. My. God. Could those two twits be more annoying?!  Find something legitimate to get upset about.  This is ridiculous.

Sigh.

Serj stomps through the house, passing a big group of contestants in the living room.  I guess most of ‘em are Orphans, and Serj yells at them for being on the Pescis’ side, for voting with them.  It’s either Dratch or one of the Snowmen who’s like, “Hey, don’t take it out on us!”  Serj shouts, “He’s the boss of you!” as he heads up the stairs.

Well.  We must have missed something in the editing, but Snowman Teachers are all in a tizzy about the way they were just spoken to.  Um, what?  You’re the same people who said pretty awful things about Not Cher, and now you’re upset that Serj raised his voice?  BBGG is like, “All y’all are scared now?”  No, they’re not scared–but people need to watch how they talk to women.  No, people need to watch how they talk to each OTHER.  Period.  Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you get a pass here.  If I deserve to be told to shut the fuck up, tell me to shut the fuck up!  I can take it–BECAUSE I’m a woman, not a wimp.   I hate it when people fall back on that shit. “But I’m a girl.”  Shut the fuck up.

BBGG takes this as an opportunity to call the Orphanage out for being crybabies about being in the minority and for being on the chopping block this week.  They had their fun eliminating him yesterday, but now they’re upset and he doesn’t give a shit.  He rants on about the tiff within the house, concluding by saying, “I’m done.  I’m spent.”  He wraps his towel around his moobs and walks off in a huff.

Let’s go see what the drama queens are up to.  Oh, they’re packing their bags!  The Pescis are upset and wanna go home.  One of ‘em says, “Sleeping in the same house with a guy you want to choke to death is not a good idea.”  Wow.  These guys need to get a life.  All of this over a handshake and crossed paths in the living room.  Sad.  So, they pack their bags and head out to a minivan.  Bye!

Yay!

You know they’re coming back, don’t you?  They’re coming back.  Fifteen minutes later, they walk back in.  Oh, drama queens.  You’re so predictable.  They’re not quitters, they say.  Okay, fine.  Just shut up, please.  PLEASE.

Boo.

The next morning, Serj wakes up, still thinking about this stupid fight.  He goes to Double Chocolate to double-check their story about last week’s vote coercion. Turns out, Serj had it wrong.  *Headsmack*  Double Chocolate said Pescis asked them to vote for Penguin Tat, not Bouncers.  Oh shit.

Old Pesci and his sunglasses summon Serj for a chat. What a coinky-dink!  Pesci wanted to tell Serj that he didn’t ask Double Chocolate to vote for them.  Well, well, well!  Serj just confirmed that Double Chocolate didn’t get coerced into voting for them, too!  So, they both came to this soothing conclusion at the same time!  What luck!  (Thanks, producers.)   Anyway, it was a big misunderstanding, and that’s that.

Serj is concerned now.  He wants people to think he’s a man of his word, and he DID shake stupid fucking Pesci’s hand about not voting for each other.  IF I NEVER HEAR ABOUT THIS HANDSHAKE AGAIN, IT WILL BE TOO SOON. So, maybe this affects their vote.  That’s news to Poi!

Blah blah blah, working out, blowing off steam, votes, scheming, handshakes.   Let’s move on to the votes.

Remember, the Bouncers have immunity this week.  They get to choose one other team to be safe, and they pick Double Chocolate.  “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I’m free at last!” one of them shouts.  HA!  Team Fraud’s already on the chopping block, so it’s time to take a bite out of crime and pick one more team that’ll be up for elimination.  More Red Delicious apples.  This week, they’re so dark red, you KNOW they’re totally mealy.  Yuck.  Chant with me “Gala!  Gala!  Gala!”

The Frauds each take a bite of the apple at the same time, like Lady and the Tramp with a single noodle.  Awww.  Then Deep Dratch bites the Penguin Tat apple, and BFB bites the Pesci apple.  And so it goes.  I think we all know where this is going.  So why don’t we head to weigh in?

Clue #1 sparking the “they’re actually on the DL” rumors.

Weigh in is interesting, because most of the teams had very little weight loss this week.  The Bouncers only lost one pound between ‘em.  One!  Same for Double Choco!  Snowman Teachers gained a pound!

So, were they doing a ton of weight training this week?  Were they water-loading?  What’s going on?  I’m guessing it’s just that their bodies said, “Hold up.  You’re losing too much.  Wait up.”  Mine would do that occasionally during my journey down the scale.  It sucks, but it passes.  That, and they were water-loading.

Oh, but Team Fraud?  They lost SIXTEEN pounds this week.  Whoa.  That’s pretty amazing.  3.01% weight loss for one week.  They step up to the hot seat, and then they strip down to their little pink thongs.  BBGG is like, “All RIGHT.  Finally, I get to see something.”  He calls them out for their moose knuckles.  HA!  And I admit being fascinated with how guys arrange their junk in a pouch like that.  My junk’s internal–it’s pre-arranged.  I don’t really understand external junk sometimes.

Moose knuckles!

Team Fraud thinks they’re unbeatable, and they settle in for the weigh-ins.  It comes down to Team Lame Penguin Tat and Team Pescis.  Penguin Tat only lost 5 lbs, so they might be going home.  Except…they weren’t the team that was voted in.  It was Team Pescis!  Oh shit.  The Bouncers are going to be in deep shit if their gambit doesn’t work.  Serj justifies it all by saying his loyalty to the Family means more than a handshake with some scumbags.  Ouch!

I think the legend says you actually have to fist-bump the moose knuckles when they are present.

So, guess what?  The gambit didn’t work!  The fucking Pescis lost 19 lbs!  And that’s…holy shit, 4.00%  Cortayzee explodes with his own, “Holy shit!”

He’s at the “…iiiiit!” portion of “holy shit!”

So Team Fraud is going home.  I’m ambivalent about that.  They were obviously there to promote their comedy, and sometimes they weren’t funny.  But sometimes they were.  And I want to bang the tall one.  But, I’ll be okay–I’ll move on. Go home, it’s okay. Don’t worry about me. They’re bummed, though.  So are the Pescis–their best buddies in the house are leaving.  Aww.  The Frauds leave the gym in their thongs, and Tall pats Short on the tush as they walk out.

Clue #2 sparking the rumors that they’re on the DL…

Pescis end this episode by threatening to send every other team home.  Now that their BFFs and comic relief have left, they have no reason to live…and no reason NOT to live in the gym, kicking ass.  BBGG is like, “oookayyyy…” in a skeptical voice.

And that’s that.

So, next week, it’s all about ponies and rainbows, right?  Not quite.  There’s some kind of endurance challenge with holding a platter full of cookies–and cookie-sized weights.  Old Pesci is up against Penguin Tat and tries to get into his head.   Otherwise, they’re all at the halfway point, and there’s some sort of beach workout?  Maybe this is BFB’s episode, because she’s interviewed about how much she needs this.  Oh, and then she’s on the chopping block.  Ouch.

See ya next week!