Hey y’all! Are you ready for this week’s scheming and hollering and house-vote treachery? There’s a lot to laugh at, so enough with the introduction chit-chat, let’s go!
Last week, the Family alliance nailed another Orphan team, sending Chicago Deep Dratch home. The weigh-in (with no house vote) and subsequent dismissal of a hard-working team shocked a lot of us, I think. And the Bouncers’ refusal to award immunity to any one team pissed off several of the other teams, namely Team BFB and Team BBGG.
This week, we see the repercussions of that.
I immediately LOL as this week’s episode opens. You see, SOMEONE stuck BBGG’s stupid microphone into a blender full of Jell-o, THEN hung it from an upper balcony so it was right at eye level when BBGG came waltzing around. Oh, he was pissed, too, that BBGG. BBGG seems to immediately know that it was Younger Pesci. Sure enough, we see some washed out “in the past” footage of the Pescis setting everything up, as Italian stereotype music plays. (I’m kinda glad that no noose imagery was used, because that would be just too much. Ya know?) BBGG throws Jell-o at the Pescis as they walk away, cracking jokes about not being able to hear BBGG, that he should speak into the mic. Ouch!
(What’s the gray stuff on top? Spooge? The ashes of other dead mics?)
BBGG chases Penguin Tat into the house, shouting about how people think he’s a joke, that he’s a ‘ho’ (?). (Did I hear that correctly? And if I did, “huh??”) BBGG continues, spitting, “How am I supposed to bedazzle with a Jell-o-filled microphone?!” Snowman Teachers are sitting nearby and they totally crack up.
Team BFB are chattin’ away by the pool. The Little One is bitchin’ about how the Bouncers didn’t care enough about them to give them the immunity last week. I’m shaking my head and rolling my eyes. Don’t you see, dummies? If they gave immunity to anyone, everyone else would have felt slighted. They did the right thing by letting you answer for your own actions. God, you’d think these people weren’t actually motivated to lose weight or even win a reasonable sum of money.
Next, we get a montage of Team BBGG being big losers, which also means we get a montage of BBGG making that smushy face he makes, which looks like what I used to do when I was a kid and a lot nerdier and didn’t want to push my glasses up with my hands–no, no, I’d rutch them back up by contorting my already hideous face into an even more hideous face. Yeah, it’s like that. Oh yeah, and he’s complaining about how everyone’s working hard and he doesn’t want to. “Fuck that, YOU work hard,” he says, “What use is an alliance if, when you need the help the most, they don’t give it to you.” So infuriating.
Pretty Stephanie sits there like a mute as BBGG continues, complaining about how powerless he feels in the house, how he’s sick of being the underdog and sick of being the joke. So, here is the genesis of the stupid Team BBGG flip scheme. They’ll start playing around with the Orphans, to fuck with the Family, JUST to get a sense of power. (OR they’ll actually manipulate votes. We’ll see.) Later, he’s going to pat himself on the back for controlling the house. I’d like to pat his ass, hard, with something that stings. And not in a way that would inspire a boner.
BBGG heads right up to the Orphanage and tells the Pescis that, in exchange for sparing his team when it comes time to vote, they’ll vote in line with whatever the Orphanage wants. Snowman Teachers are involved in this conversation, too. Once BBGG leaves, they all talk about how much they don’t trust the guy, BUT they seem to be considering what he said. Basically, they’ll wait to see how the challenge goes, and if they need his vote, they’ll work with him. Pescis and Snowmen really want Penguin Tat GONE.
Also, we see Older Pesci shirtless, and he has got some serious prison tat stuff going on. Is there any vision to anything on his body, or was it just, “That’s cool, do it here” every time? “I’m already ugly, just do it up!”
Scheming, sleeping, and pondering the next prison tat.
Challenge time! It’s at a football field, and it basically goes like this: There are blocks for a big Money Hungry puzzle all bundled up in neat little cloth bags, spread out just so along the field. Teams have to take turns running down-field to get the bags of puzzle-piece boxes. Once all of the pieces are back at the home base, the teams can unwrap everything and start to set up the puzzle on a little table nearby. It’s a very Survivor challenge, except that it’s easy. It’s not like there are rope bridges or mud pits or that they’re even starving or living in some rat-infested hut. Nope, just fat people running up and down a field and doing a puzzle.
The Cortayzee is rockin’ the Chevron 70s t-shirt, and he explains that all the regular house vote rules apply again. Man, this show just keeps changing the rules all the time. I kind of like how it throws off any real strategy that may be going on in the house. A) you never know if there’s a house vote or not, and B) you never know what kind of physical challenge it’s going to be.
Anyway, the challenge starts. The Pescis are pretty physical (despite some bandy-legged running on the Older Pesci’s part), so they’re kicking ass. The other teams are noticing, too. Poi’s proud of himself for being able to run now, when he could barely make it up the driveway the first day. BBGG is flopsing down the field, thinner calves looking strange contrasted to much larger thighs. Run, guys, run!
Also, Younger Pesci’s lookin’ like a Panda treat with that goatee. Mrowr. I mean, “Roar.” Pandas roar.
(This is what happens when I work on my recap way too late into the evening. )
Pescis are the first to finish the footrace part of the challenge, but BFB isn’t far behind. Now it’s time to build puzzles. Oh, it’s cool, the rest of the teams are still struggling to run back and forth. BBGG tells us that he’s a puzzle champion, so once they get all these pieces back, he’s going to kick everyone’s ass. Okay, dude, bring it.
BFB are getting their puzzle put together pretty quickly, and the Bouncers are really not getting it at ALL. BBGG is yelling at Pretty Stephanie, and the Pescis are yelling at each other in their classic Pesci way. “Do I amuse you?! Do I remind you of a CLOWN??!” (I know, I really need to come up with more Pesci quotes. What about something from “With Honor” or whatever that awful piece of garbage was?)
AND TEAM BFB WINS IT!! Yay! They start jumping up and down, chest-bumping and everything. Penguin Tat’s team was ALMOST there, but second place is the first loser. Wuh woh. Oh, and my favorite sound effect is used when they show BFB jumping up and down again, the slooooowed down, deeeeeep voice that makes them sound like A) Satan or B) someone in a witness protection program getting interviewed by Katie Couric. I can’t help but laugh, even though it’s mean.
Now it’s a scramble to not be LAST, cuz the last team to finish is the first team on the chopping block. So far, Penguin Tat is safe, and so are the Pescis. Eventually, Double Chocolate and Snowman Teachers are finished, so it’s a race between BBGG and the Bouncers. And, oh well, the Bouncers lose. They’re on the chopping block.
‘Tis a shame.
The Bouncers know they have to really kick ass in the gym in order to stay. Shouldn’t be too hard for them, though, because they’re pretty big guys. They have that in their favor–just keep at it, guys.
Younger Pesci summons BBGG–they’d like him to vote their way this week, please. It’s time for Penguin Tat to go “bye bye” as Younger Pesci put it. They also want to get BFB in on the plan, so they’re four teams against the Family’s…three. (Right? Penguin Tat, Bouncers, and Double Chocolate. Yeah.) Younger Pesci heads up to the gym to let the Snowman Teachers, hard at work on the ellipticals, what the plan is. They question the trustworthiness of BBGG, and rightfully so, but it must be done.
Now, downstairs, Team BFB is cuddling up with the Pescis. That is, Little One is on one couch, and BFB is snuggling on Older Pesci’s Buddha belly. Little One asks the Pescis this: if they don’t give THEM the immunity this week, but vote the way the Pescis want, would the Pescis still try to keep them in favor next week–or even give THEM the immunity if they need it? “Sure!,” Younger Pesci chirps. Ah, loyalty, it was nice to know ya. BFB rubs Older Pesci’s belly harder and coos about him being her meatball, her spicy Italian sausage. She seems a little more intent about the whole thing than Older Pesci is. Hee hee.
“Rub a little lower, honey. It’s been a while, and a handjob is a handjob. Stop it with the eye contact.”
The Bouncers are checking in with their new trainer, Penguin Tat. Remember, Penguin Tat is an expert at weight loss (clearly), so he’s got all the good intel about calories, diet, exercise, and so on. He brags about how his team’s workouts are the hardest, that their diet is the strictest. He critiques Poi’s food journal, then offers to work up a new plan for them. The Bouncers are like, “Cool, just tell us what to do,” so they can zone out and just work on losing weight. They admire Penguin Tat for his consistent losses so far. FORESHADOWING.
Well, what was he doing wrong? Too few calories, you said? How MANY was too few? C’mon!
(Can the viewers see ANYTHING about weight loss on this weight loss show? Anything at all? Brief speeches from nutritionists? A concept of what’s healthy eating and what isn’t? Who’s having issues with food? Who’s having issues with the workouts? WHAT are they doing up in the gym? What is the strategy? What are they learning, and what’s not working? Come on. This really isn’t a weight loss show.)
Ew, then there’s a brief (thank God) montage of the Bouncers working out, with the same sound clip of them moaning and groaning playing over and over. It sounds like sex, and it’s gross. That’s one of my pet peeves at the gym, when men moan like they’re busting loads all over the place. Keep it to yourself.
Upstairs in the Orphanage, BBGG, BFB, Pescis, and Snowman Teachers are chillin’, discussin’ their treachery. They all agree to get Penguin Tat out of the house NOW. BBGG is very proud of himself for corrupting Little One, rightly noting that the whole scheme really wouldn’t come back to him…that the shit would hit the BFB fan instead. They all join pinkies in unity against the Penguin Tat.
Pretty Stephanie sits mutely as BBGG continues his plan, which is to let the Family know that he talked to the Orphans about the vote. BBGG pulls Serj aside to sell Team BFB up the river, letting Serj know that a mutiny is about to happen. BBGG is smart to cover his tracks like this, but it speaks to an evil–and, frankly, uncool–mind. Like, I’m GLAD that I’m not this well-practiced in the art of lying and manipulation. Jeez.
So then the Bouncers decide to feel out where Team BFB is. They ask BFB and Little One about where their head’s at for the vote, and Little One is pretty ambiguous. Poi’s trying to pin her down, saying, “Well, you’re part of the saaaame alliance, right…?” Little One won’t make eye contact. BFB has balls, though, and she asks, rhetorically, “Who has the highest percentages in the house…?” The Bouncers are like, “Uh, the Pescis.” BFB is like, “…and?” Oh, she nods when they say, “Penguin Tat.” Yep. “But he’s Family.” Shrug! Oh snap, that’s how it’s gonna be.
Unfortunately, the Bouncers have no game when it comes to manipulation, which is why I like them. But it’s not gonna win them anything this week. See, BFB’s mind is made up, and BBGG is cheering for himself silently in the corner, crediting himself with this whole set-up. Serj earnestly pleads, “Please don’t do this. I’ll be upset.” BFB and Little One are like, “Whatevs.” Now the Bouncers are pissed.
They’re upstairs, complainin’, gettin’ mad, and decide to clue Penguin Tat in on the plan. Penguin Tat’s like, “okay, BFB finally decided to join in the game play.” Then he sounds like a turbo-douche when he says, “But they apparently failed out of basic math.” See, he doesn’t know that BBGG is also a traitor, so HIS basic math is uninformed and also wrong. They even talk about making sure BBGG is “solid” as they plan to vote out Snowman Teachers. Bouncers and Penguin Tat believe BBGG is “solid.” (Feels like I’m talking about a poop. A solid poop. And BBGG, sir, you are no solid poop.)
In the confessional cam, Penguin Tat gets all tough-guy against Team BFB, saying, “You’re only immune until Friday, girls. Only until the next weigh-in. You better hope and pray that you manage to get rid of me.” Oooh! Them’s fightin’ words!
In the gym, Penguin Tat’s playing trainer to the Bouncers, counseling them on heart rate management and nagging them to stretch after doing pushups. There’s some trash talk about the vote situation in the gym, but really, everyone’s too sweaty to take seriously. (That’s just my opinion. I’m over it. Let’s get to the weigh in already. I barely even want to recap the stupid votes for you. ugh.)
I can’t take that headband seriously.
Oh, wait, BBGG is in brag mode again, sittin’ on an outdoor couch to share how awesome he is. He claims, “I run this house” with a sneer. I sneer back. Hate him.
Okay, voting time. Gather ’round the couch, now. Who, pray tell, is Team BFB giving immunity to? Oh, to Team BBGG. Excellent. Goody Mo notes that this is troubling; though BBGG is technically a member of the Family alliance, it’s suspect because the Family knows that BFB are defectors. So, are BBGG and Pretty Stephanie defectors, too?
Voting time. Apples get bitten. Looks like Penguin Tat’s gets bitten a lot. Penguin Tat takes this time to dump on Snowman Teachers for being intellectually inferior when it comes to weight loss, because we all know that Penguin Tat reigns supreme as the lord and master of weight loss information and strategy. Does he realize he sounds like an asshole? I can see why everyone hates him. Me, I think he’s misguided and blinded by other motives to care what people he’s competing against think. And is maybe clueless. Or is an asshole! Who knows.
Time to weigh in. BBGG is wearing a stupid full-arm glitter glove AND has his stupid microphone AND his stupid glasses. More of the “I run this house” garbage. Moving on.
Even his partner thinks he’s ridic.
Team BFB goes first, since they’re immune and all. And they….gained five pounds this week. Cool! Good work, girls! That’ll win you the $100,000 really soon! Actually, Little One lost a pound and BFB gained six. Ya know, I get the water-loading concept and all, but gaining SIX pounds on a weight loss show is stupid. Just stupid. And stupid Team BBGG lost three pounds this week. Whatever, at least your stupid ass didn’t gain anything.
Now to the weigh-ins that matter this week. Bouncers go first, since they finished last at the challenge. And they….LOST 26 LBS!! Holy shit! Penguin Tat looks proud; Joes Pesci look nervous. Despite this awesomeness, Bouncers are still technically on the chopping block, at least until another team weighs in and craps out.
Next up is Double Chocolate, who lost two pounds. Not good, but hopefully better next week. Now it’s time for the Pescis, who are worried about the vote but not about the result of the weigh-in. And they…lost nine pounds. Not bad. And they’re safe from the vote, too. So now it’s down to Snowman Teachers and Penguin Tat/Goody Mo.
Snowman Teachers lost seven pounds, and if they’re the other team voted onto the chopping block, they’re going home. I mean, the Bouncers killed it this week. Well, they were the team voted in this week. Before goodbyes are said, Cortayzee turns to Penguin Tat and asks, “Are you surprised by this?” Penguin Tat isn’t. “Would you be surprised if you heard that you had votes, too?” Penguin Tat wouldn’t be. “Well, there was a tie.” Bouncers–and Penguin Tat–are stunned.
So, the Bouncers are safe. It’s now a duke-out between Penguin Tat and Snowmen Teachers. Team Lame-Ass Not-Shamu-But-a-Dumb-Penguin Tat and his Pilgrim Partner, Goody Mo, are going home. They only lost TWO pounds this week. Niiiiice goin’, Penguin Tat. Good work.
Pescis immediately celebrate, and the Bouncers look so sad. Snowmen Teachers have the class to not bounce around with glee, considering they, too, wanted Penguin Tat gone from day one. Well, after Not Cher, I mean.
Second funniest picture of this recap
Penguin Tat heads over to hug people goodbye. He aims for the Snowmen first, and while he goes in for a genuine group hug, they both turn their heads away. Ah, body language. Goody Mo gets more genuine hugs from everyone else. Poi clings to Penguin Tat and assures him that they’ll take out the Orphanage in retaliation.
And in his goodbye interview, Penguin Tat’s bawling and sniffling, and Goody Mo is standing by, laughing. It’s too much!
Funniest pic of the episode!!!
BBGG is bragging again about how awesome he is, and the Bouncers are livid. Poi tells Serj to “be cool” as they leave the weigh in. “It’s gonna be hard for me,” Serj replies. BBGG makes that stupid scrunchy face.
Next week! The challenge is at the Rose Bowl, and it’s something to do with carrying things up stadium steps. The theme of the week also seems to be “distrust.” The other teams really can’t trust BBGG, and it seems they can’t stand him, either. So, the helpful Pescis invoke the landlord terminology we love, saying that someone’s getting evicted, “Cuz rent’s due, bitch.” Ooooh. Talk dirty to me.
So, what’d you think? Anyone getting your dander up like mine? Anyone you want to bang? Any personality advice for any of the contestants? Are you even watching? Tell us in the comments!