Like, 200 lbs more.
This week on the Series Premiere of Fox’s More to Love, Luke, a 26 year old dude is looking for a chunky lady to be his everything. And man, there is a LOT of lady to go around. These women are like, super fat and super desperate and ready to get it ON. Luke lowers down the ranks of the chunky bunch from 25 to 15 in this fat-filled season premiere!
Once we wade through the large, blubbery montage of fat women hating themselves….we meet Luke. Yes, I can tell right off the bat that this show is going to be crazy drama, with lots of self-loathing, double stuff oreos and control top panty hose.
At the same time, I was really unaware that the guy would also be a pudge, which is sort of fun but also sort of disappointing, further reinforcing the taboo of fat women on tv- they can’t be sex objects, but if they are they should only be yearned for by big ‘ol men. Oh, Fox, what will you think of next.
So, we meet Luke.
Between snacks, I like to work.
Luke is a 27 year old successful real estate investor, who looks more like he’s 35. I guess fat will do that to you. He’s a thrill seeker with a six figure salary, and a six pack. No, not of abs. Of Roundy’s cans of peanut butter. Yeah, he keeps them in his car, you know, for emergencies.
Then, a couple clips of Luke huffing and puffing on the beach with his dog.
Then, staring poetically out into the ocean. What a dreamboat!
Oh, but Luke hasn’t always been fat. Oh wait, he has. And, awkward.
No, I don’t have downs syndrome, I’m just fat.
Luke enjoys being a man of “large stature.”
He also likes to eat.
He doesn’t like chicks who count calories.
But he keeps his dog on a strict diet.
Seems like a good catch, eh? Well, 25 fat women agree. Actually, I’m glad this guy is getting a chance to find love, he seems like, only borderline douchey.
Then, in LA, let the games begin! Bring out the bacon!
Emme, plus size model and host, looks perpetually worried and is probably the thinnest person on the show, besides the dog and the person who runs the boom mike who got crushed in the stampede out of the limo.
Hey, it’s a fat Glenn Close.
I’m also pretty sure I’ve seen this mansion on some season of the Bachelor. Ah well, sloppy seconds ain’t a crime. Emme and Luke have some awkward conversation about how Luke doesn’t have a type (aside from “chunky style”) and then the girls get to meet their man-meat. Literally.
First, there’s Malissa, who never liked to think of herself as fat.
But obviously, does now.
She’s actually kinda cute in the face, and has big juggs. But all these fatties have big ‘ol titties, so that’s kind of a given. I love how their little bottom-screen profile also has their weight, which is totally fake on some of them. Geez.
Then there’s Christina, who seems like a pill.
Guess what? I fart roses.
She’s got more hairspray in than the Hollywood supply at Rite-Aid. I’m going to call her Tracy Turnblad. I love how these big women have big hair, to match. As if to say, “even though my body is unconventional, my hair is!”
Then there’s the girl who is already crying and feeling sorry for herself. Christ, I already want to slap her in the face. We’ll call her waterworks.
Also, she’s super fat.
She’s ready to fall in love and gets a kiss on the cheek (her first?) from Lucky Luke.
Next I’ll call Winona Judd, only she’s got black hair. Same weight, though.
I’m here to sell you some Alli.
She talks a ton about baking cookies and pies, and less about feeling shitty. Uh, still. How very fifties of her.
Next is Amanda, who asks Luke if he’s “ready to date multiple girls.” Wow, how’s that for an icebreaker?
I will kill your pets and then eat them.
How very single white female of her, though she looks a little latina from this angle. We’ll hold off on a nickname for now, until she starts drinking her own urine.
She seems to have a thing against skinny girls, for some reason. Hmm….
Then there’s Michelle, whom I will call “Mom I wouldn’t like to fuck. Christ, look at those knockers!
I do crazy things with fudgesickles.
After a couple awkward moments of talking where Luke treats her like a borderline retard (or is he just a natural slow-talker? Is that flirting? Weird) she cries in the confessional when recounting the encounter. Christ, get this woman a pork chop, stat.
She talks a little more about how she’s ok being fat, but she’s still crying. I don’t get it. Then MIWLF rubs her butt as she meets the other girls.
Yes, I’m a weirdo.
Anna the Amazon is up next. Jesus, this woman is like 7 feet tall. She should be playing basketball in the fat Olympics!
I do not joke: I will eat you.
I like, too, how Amazon is a plus size model but she’s sorta the thinnest we’ve seen so far. Go figure.
Next is Rocket Scientist girl. Really? Is that the proper title or is she just trying to impress Lucky Luke. She’s sorta pretty in the face but she seems nervous.
Also, she’s fat.
Smarty McRocket scientist doesn’t understand why society thinks appearance is the most important thing. Hmm, ever hear about genes and a family history of obesity and how that affects one’s health? Guess not.
Then there is overly-perky Lauren. YAY! She’s a 26 year old student and thinks of herself as a “gorgeous chunky girl.”
Then there’s Vanessa, the snaggle-tooth redhead. She’s confident, and makes a big fuss about “who you are inside.” It’s funny how all these fat girls are making a big stink about inner beauty, when their outer beauty is…ahem, well, let’s just say…fat as shit.
I want to make you into a giant taquito and eat you up
Then there is another Melissa. She’s never been on a date. Wow.
Also, she’s fat.
Danielle is next, who appears to be a very light skinned black lady. She’s pretty, though. Man, I hope she doesn’t cry in her little intro confessional….Oh, I spoke too soon. Wait, and maybe she’s not black? I don’t know.
Let’s call her mystery meat. Am I going to remember all of these names? Probably not.
Mandy, the next chunk out of the cab tries to teach Luke a little bit about Salsa. NO, the dance, you terrible people! Not the delicious mexican tomato-based dip! Geez, you people are SO insensitive!
Dare we try a guacamole?
Tali is the dark, large Israeli who is ready to find someone to eat hummus and schnitzel with.
Easy on the bronzer, Tal.
Are larger people more racially ambiguous? Christian seems….sorta black but still, I can’t tell. She also seems like she’s 12.
I get lots of lollipops at the Doctor’s office!
The next girl I think got into the wrong limo because she seems…kinda THIN? Well, at least not obese. Also, her name is Aryan, which is weird.
Statuesque and Naziesque
She sorta looks like Missi Pyle. You know, that devil-lookin’ actress. No, I won’t show you a picture. Use your imaginations, you lazys! She’s a cabaret entertainer who likes to cry. Really? Man, something is up with these fat girls and fuckin’ crying all the time. It really gives water-retention a bad name, really.
Sandy is a waitress in a cute dress.
Boobs boobs boobs!
She wants to teach Luke how to…milk a cow. Because, you know, she’s from Iowa and that’s what Iowans do. C’mon, Sandy, let’s study up on some not so lame pickup lines, ok? Or is Iowa going through a pickup-line draught?
Shari is next, complete with greasy hair and weird outfit.
I smell like movie theatre popcorn!
Then there’s Tracy Turnblad 2, who is so freaking annoying from the get go. Ugh, stop calling the man you wanna fuck a “teddy bear,” again, with these pickup lines, LADIES!
Ohhh, you’re like a big baby! A BABY! Oooo!
Her name is Mugwali or some shit like that. Weird.
Natalia likes to cook.
And eat, apparently.
She also looks like Barney, the big purple dinosaur, only more busted-up. Finally, the girls are all inside the mansion, threatening to break the couches and talking about food. Right? Or like, being loved? Or how they’re such good people? Or about inner beauty?
Luke says something about how they’re all beautiful, and then gives them all diamond rings with the promise of mutual getting to know each other. Man, I bet fat chicks PUT OUT. Don’t you think? They’re already swooning over some 3rd rate diamond ring, all you need is a taco salad and they’ll be friggin’ halfway undressed. Am I right? Ladies?
Make it a double double and we’re in business.
Lucky Luke starts impressing the girls with some inner beauty banter, and then the conversation goes to the moneymaker- Food. Luke likes steak and potatoes, and apple pie for dessert. No cherry on top, though. Geez!
Don’t upset the herd.
Anna gives Lucky Luke a kiss while Sandy Iowa gets a little bit tipsy. Tracy Turnblad plays the mom (or the bitch) and veers her away from the booze. Come on, Tracy, don’t be such a killjoy! Melissa Mcneverbeenonadate is so nervous, admits it, sweats, and repeats that she’s never been on a date in her life. And then that people play cruel jokes on her.
Then, mystery meat jumps in the pool to…make an impression?
Luke teases about jumping in, then walks away. The Punk Winona Judd gets a little sour on it, and bitches to the camera. Meanwhile, Melissa, who looks like a fat, blonde version of that girl from twilight (look it up, folks!) gets the second kiss of the night with Luke. She seems pretty cool, not gonna like, despite her name being spelled retardedly.
Beso means kiss. Bring on the romance!
Emme comes out and tells the chunky bunch that they need to give back their rings. Naturally, the ladies are PISSED.
I’ll bite your hand off, bitch.
10 will go, fifteen of the chunky bunch will stay. More crying ensues. Lucky Luke comes out and has another “I just wanna say…” followed by something banal about being thankful and how the girls look beautiful, blah blah blah….
I just wanna say….from the bottom of my heart…please ladies, stop crying.
Christian the 12 year old is starting to make lovelorn crazy eyes…..man, it’s only a matter of time till these ladies start foaming at the mouth.
I WANNA BE HERE!
Anna the Amazon gets called first, then Malissa A, the beso kiss girl. Of course! The ones that put out. Mugwallialaggaai is next, then the waterworks. Mandy the salsa dancer is next, then Amanda. Man, the chunky bunch is getting restless.
Cry it out, as usual.
Snaggletooth vanessa gets called, and then Tali the Israeli. Lauren crazy-eyes gets a ring, too and then Winona Judd. Tracy Turnblad 1 and 2 get called, and Dani McI like to jump in pools. Aryan gets a ring, and then Crazy Christian. Ugh. Geez. She is already calling him the man of her dreams! Last but not least, Mel B., the girl who has never had a date. All the ugly faced girls are going home, folks! Also, Rocket Science gal. See ya!
Bye bye Barney. I’m sorry.
What’s next? I mean, besides a combo platter?
Iowa with the cute dress goes home, too, along with greasy-hair. Ah well, they seem young enough. Also, MIWLF leaves, so no more mom jokes! Boo!
Also for next week…..what?
More crying, of course!