More to Love: Fat Wife/ Fatter Wife.

I will eat you.

This week on more to love, the “good wife” “bad wife” exercise basically fucks with the fragile minds of all the plus-size ladies in the house. Well, that’s all the ladies. The person who wins and loses the exercise cry a lot, go on a one-on-one date, and the rest of the ladies smother the contents of a taco on their breastesses before elimination. I’m not even joking.

Ugh, you guys, so sorry I didn’t have a ‘cap for you last week. My head exploded from extreme doses of self-pity, desperation and racism. Every time I tried to watch MORE TO LOVE episode 3 (we’ll call it the prom episode) I started spewing what looked like chicken fingers and cool ranch doritos out of every oriface of my body. Yes, I’m still being studied and will probably go down in Medical books as being a victim of this extreme, yet highly contagious ailment.

Also, I’m writing from inside a plastic bubble.

a bubble

Anyhoo, last episode Luke asks all the girls out to the prom, assuming that- OF COURSE- they haven’t been because they’re perceived by everyone but him as being fat lumps of ugly. Nice, Luke. After using his time machine to go back to 1984 to find them some appropriately hideous prom dresses, Luke busts out some deliciously embarrassing dance moves and charms his fat maidens even more!

He’s like a panda. Fat girls are his bamboo.

Then he takes Heather McSobs a lot on a date, HORSEBACK RIDING. This is especially interesting to me, an ex-trail guide, considering in ALASKA on DRAUGHT HORSES we were only allowed to put people on our horses if they were 250 lbs or less. I would say Luke’s…thigh is about that much. Poor horses.

Kill us

In the end, cool indie fattie who is stuck in the fifties, Tracy Turnblad and some other brown-haired, doughy-faced ladies go home. Man, Crazy Christian stays, though….that crazy bitch needs to GO.

On THIS Episode, Emme gets let out of the basement to round up the girls.

Take away this ball and chain…

Luke, in a romantic breakfast alone on his couch, wants a woman’s perspective on the girls. OF COURSE, this is the EPISODE where they get PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER. They’d better drink a lot of water (or fruit punch, or whatever fat people drink) because I feel that the floods’ a-comin.’

Because every object in the house looks like a motherfucking wedding ring, Emme tells the girls to pick up the tacky jeweled disks and to rate the fatty standing up as either a “good wife,”

Plus 150 pounds

or a “Bad wife,”

plus 150 pounds

Yes, a Jerry Garcia-eque man photoshopped into a mini-cooper is something I CONSIDER a bad wife. And know what? I have like seven PhDs, mostly in watching fat women cry. Well, there’s that one in archaology.

Anyhoo, the horses are spooked in this stable.

Emme, complete with grave facial expressions.

Hey, that disk looks like I cookie! I think that’s the real danger in this exercise.

Melissa is worried because “her personality is all she has.” Yeah, I know- as if these women have award-winning personalities to match their hot, taught bodies. I mean, seriously, I love how the person with the shittiest self-esteem and personal worth think’s shes a joy to have a beer with. Is she delirious! Maybe she’s just light headed because she hasn’t eaten in five minutes.

Christian Crazypants is up first.

Everyone but Heather thinks she’d make a bad wife.

Please don’t think badly of me, just because I think you’re worthless.

Of course, bitchy Lauren is having a FIELD DAY getting to prey on the women publicly without seeming like a bitch, you know, because she was asked to. I’m sure I’m not the first or last to say this, but fuck Lauren with her greasy face, expressively bitchy eyes and her wilty bouffants. Go try to be the “bad girl” on biggest loser or some shit where you show less skin. Gross.

Tali the “holier than thou” israeli is also fairly bitchy. I think everyone can agree Christian needs to finish 8th grade before pursuing a husband on a reality tv show.

That is like, so not fair.

Heather is next, and everyone thinks she’d be a good wife except…well, you guessed it!

Wanna fight?

She points out that this exercise isn’t called “good person,” “bad person.” Touche, bitch.

Thinking of cool ranch….

Anna goes, along with some other girl, Tali the Israeli and Bitchy McBitch. The throughline of this exercise seems to be finding the essences of these women: Christian, crazy. Anna, friendly. Heather, fun. Tali, aloof. Lauren, sadistic. She’s called “vulgar,” but it only gives her more power, girls! It only gives her MORE POWER!!!

FLAMES FLAMES DEVIL FLAMES

Also, did I mention all of these women are like, fat? like they have high BMIs, and are not really considered attractive by the population at large.

Mel B is last, and surely least.

Ah, Lauren. You cruel Harpy, you.

Mel B. thinks that the girls know her best, and is flabbergasted because they don’t think that a 21 year old obese woman who has never been on a date before and cries a shit-ton would make a good WIFE FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

life is like, cruel and unfair.

In the end, Mel B. and Heather are voted fattest wife, and fattest wife, respectively.

Both of them get one-on-one dates, and Lauren is Pissed. HELLFIRE! BRIMSTONE! She’s bitching that being “fun,” “a good person,” and being “generally enjoyable” has NOTHING to do with being a good wife and that she’s going to eat Heather’s soul to attain her powers of deception and coercion. But first, some bear claws.

Seriously, they’re great bear claws.

Mel B. is sad that she’s considered to be not awesome wife material, stating that “this is why she’s never dated.” Really, Mel B.? Very mature. Could part of the reason be that you’re an overweight, immature person whose personality borders on the depressing? Also, maybe that, huh? Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I’m sorry Lauren ate all your bear claws. You can have “You” time without them, I promise. No, don’t eat my had. There, there.

Anna isn’t surprised at her comments, but is frustrated about not getting a one on one. Man, sometimes Anna seems like a beautiful, model-esque girl, and other times she seems like she’s straight off the set of 28 days later. Zombie alert!

More on this later.

Then, Luke and Mel B. go to a Moroccan restaurant, where Luke, in his usual air of condescension, asks Mel B. if she’s ever had Moroccan food. Because, you know, she’s an uncultured fuck up.

Luke, bringing culture to the fat masses.

But what would dinner be with the local fat yokel without a healthy dose of “what I like in a woman,” by Luke Connelly. He’s sorta okay with shy, as long as she’s confident. But even better? Having the woman sitting next to you ON THE BRINK OF TEARS for most of the meal. Yeah, very hot.

Yeesh.

Mel B. is finally feeling PRETTY AND WANTED, by such a prized specimen. Gross.

Back at the house, Crazy Christian is agonizing over her man spending time with another lady.

If my soul mate doesn’t come back in 5 minutes, I will cut someone.

Mandy- the most BORING GIRL IN THE WORLD- hope’s Mel B.’s lack of self-worth and confidence will make her absolute boring exterior and interior look like good wife material.

Good material eats cereal.

God, this woman is so fucking boring, I’m dying inside trying to find something to write about her. I mean, jesus, I just made a fucking cereal pun. A CEREAL PUN!

Back at the restaurant, what could possibly make Mel B. more humiliated than she aready is? Easy! Gorgeous, skinny, partially clad belly DANCERS!

Boner city!

Ah, producers. Wow, next are you going to make Mel B. eat from a trough? Oh wait, technically that’s already happened. Thanks, Moroccan cuisine with your large platefuls of deliciousness.

This is just like high school. And, middle school. And, college. And, now.

Then the belly dancers make the bellied people dance with them. God, I cannot believe Luke calls her “Mel B.,” and also that she’s “becoming a sexy, confident woman.” Ugh.

This is the part where the popular girls make fun of me…

Luke takes another opportunity to dance like a fucking dumbass, of course, and then makes a joke about male belly dancers. Man, I hope these woman are in some sort of belly dancer’s union where they get better wages for dealing with premium douchebaggery like what we see here:

Douchebaggery dwarfed by Mel B.’s ass

Back at the house, Heather’s next on the docket for a date. Naturally, Lauren is thrilled.

I’m going to pee in your slippers when you’re gone.

Heather gets escorted into some other weird room before the date to pick out tents for camping!

Kidding! They’re dresses. It’s a joke ’cause she’s fat.

Meanwhile, back in the more normal rooms of the house Mel B. comes back and tell the girls that Lucky Luke and her belly danced! They laughed politely but soon, Heather steal’s Mel B.’s awkward story thunder by coming in in a dress straight out of fat cirque du soliel. Or like, the evil stepsister costume in a fat into the woods. Or like, a backdrop of a night sky in a fat phantom of the opera. Or like, the state of Oklahoma in the musical Oklahoma!

Wow, now that I’ve exhausted my musical references, let’s move this fat ass onward…

Luke and Heather get into a limo where they do some DRANKIN.’

You do know alcohol has a high caloric content, don’t you? Just sayin.’

And the limo drives them….

To a castle?

Apparently, Heather is ten.

It’s like i’m a pretty pretty princess!

At the, uh, castle? Heather and Luke share another caloric-laden drink (geez, have these women ever heard of a diet coke? Or, a vodka soda?) and Luke says “he can’t get over the view.” Sounds romantic, except that his view was of Heather’s tulle-covered, gigantic tits. Nice job, classy.

While this is happening, the girls on the group date get told that uh, their date will consist of relaxation. Wow, thanks reality tv show writers- relaxation? spa treatment? dresses? Let’s get these ladies fly-fishing or bungee jumping, or like, making up raps to win Luke’s heart! I’m done seeing fat chicks laying idle!

Anyhoo…

Then, at, um, a table outside of the non-descript castle, Luke attacks Heather’s pseudo-feminist assertion that she wants to be a “career mom.” Luke is pissed! What? Someone with a shred of self esteem that doesn’t want to go quarantine-ing herself in my house with my brood? Man, this show isn’t shaping up to get me some subversive bitch!

Uhhh….is the wine gone?

But to break up the awkward anti-working woman talk, Luke makes a joke about having three kids! OH THE HILARITY! This guy should have his own HBO standup special. Or, like a peace prize in being awesome.

Or, you know, a scale. To weigh himself every once in a while.

Ugh, then more annoying talk about how Luke wants Heather to know “what an amazing woman she really is.” Man, if only these woman could see past their fat-ass exterior like you can inside of their souls…they’d see that they’re worthy human beings. Right, luke? Man, you are a freakin’ saint.

Later, in uh, on of the rooms in the castle (???) Luke gets his rocks off while humping Heather’s leg.

Ewww!

Gross, I need to take a shower. In like, lye. Or like, diet pills. Gross!

The next day, the ladies get their group date. And here’s what I’m talking about….one of Anna’s looks is definitely pretty, but other times, she looks like the undead…

Vacancy never looked so big-boned

Know what I’m saying? I mean, she looks like a bloodhound. A giant bloodhound.

In the limo, the girls gossip girlishly about who has french kissed Luke. GROSS! Not just Heather, Lauren is dismayed to hear, but Malissa has also stuck her big ‘ol tounge all up in his shit. Lauren is pissed because “Malissa is using affection to get to Luke’s heart.” Right. That’s…unfathomable that someone would use affection to try to touch the feelings of another. You should be a psychologist, Lauren, specializing in BITCH.

When they reach the spa, the girls get into their suits and big ol’ robes. It’s like a bunch of marshmallows walking around, trying to get with a HAM. get it? God, I’m hilarious.

Malissa takes Luke into a…hot tub? For some after lunch smooching and snacking.

…and more snacking.

Then EW EW EW dumb Malissa makes a reference to Luke having a HARD ON. GROSS!!!!!

Celebrate good times, c’mon!

So, I guess they went to the spa to hang out by a pool and sit in a bathtub?

It’s a recession?

Mandy starts blubbering after hearing about the bathtub incident. Yawn.

Then, more after-lunch eating!

Eat that stress away…

Then a lot of Luke talking about how he likes full figured women who are confident and that weight isn’t an issue…but it’s issue enough that we have to DEVOTE HALF OF THE FUCKING SHOW TO HOW IT ISN’T AN ISSUE.

A non-issue.

Oh wait, then Mandy and Luke get to lay on beds with towels, suggesting some sort of massage did or has taken place. Also, Mandy is boring and not confident. Wow, that’s the shocker of the century!

Bed, Bath and Beyond lunch

Then Lauren gets a little more time to make a fool out of herself on national TV, telling Luke she feels “Gypped” for not getting a lot of time with him. damn, how’s about you tell everyone how your grandpappy was a Nazi soldier so everyone can go from detesting you to hating your guts? Or, that story about how you punched a bitch in the face, just because you felt like it, and it turned out she was a triple amputee? Oh Lauren, that isn’t perfume you’re wearing, it’s fire and brimstone.

And some Gypsies in Romania are gonna be PISSED at you!

In the other room, the girls find cucumbers and guacamole and commence smearing it all over their large bodies.

sexy?

When Lauren and Luke end their lackluster laughable lukewarm conversation, Lauren gets pissed (what else is new) that Luke goes to hit on the chicks in the tub, smothered with avacado and sour cream. But can you blame him? That’s SOUR CREAM on TITTIES. That’s like a fat heterosexual male’s heaven! Not some racist girl with a stick up her ass, bitching on the balcony. Am I right?

Then, the mixer. Mixer sounds so freakin’ 8th grade, which describes this situation this show PERFECTLY.

…though an ice cream social would be more appropriate.

Lauren gets a couple more moments with Luke, who clearly doesn’t dig her. Maybe if she wore a dress made out of chicken fingers, he’d pay her a bit more attention. Then again, maybe not. She is a total bitch.

Mandy decides that she wants to look less fat than usual in a fairly flattering red dress, and asks Luke to dance.

See? Control Top panty hose and a tight dress works wonders!

Plus, she’s probably one of the thinner girls in the house. Then, they smack their lips together in what seemed like….a kiss?

Dancing to the gossip of other people. Romantic!

Mandy tells Luke that she doesn’t give up easily…man, insert YOUR favorite fat joke here! Yeah, see, sometimes I’m awesome and make this recap interactive! MIne has to do with spark plugs and pop rocks in a hotdog bun. I have another one about how Mandy doesn’t like to give up eating easily. See? I get creative, but sometimes the most obvious is….awesomely obvious.



The mixer concludes with Mel B. taking a little talky-time with Lucky Luke. Now, Mel B. feels less worthless. Thanks, Luke. I couldnt’ think of a sexier statement before elimination, other than Lauren busting out another racial anachronism.

Look mom, my first sexy-face!

Emme saunters in and tells the bitches to put the rings in the bowl.

Coincidentally, the first bowl without snacks in it.

Then, the dreaded elimination station.

a real romantic education!

First gal to get called is Heather, surprise surprise.

She’s come a long way since yacking off the side of a yacht

Next off is Tali, whose bitchiness, I can only surmise, comes off as some sort of weird Middle eastern inspired confidence.

The most made up full figured woman who ever came out of the Negev

Malissa A. gets called next, after Melissa B. talks about how Luke rejecting her could ruin her life. Yowza.

Ahh! Her affection is getting to him! Lauren was right!

Mandy gets caled next, after a cutaway to her blubbering uncontrollably, in a really schoolmarmy shirt. Nice work, sista!

Thanks. It’s the pantyhose.

Ugh, then Christian gets called. Man, I feel like I wanna blow chunks all over my computer screen. But then, I’d be loosing a perfectly good taco salad to the all-powerful, often revolting tvgasm gods.

Crazy face.

Lauren AGAIN talks about getting GYPPED. Christ, if you had a mustache you wouldn’t seem less appetizing than you do now.

And the last ring goes to….

ANNA!

But with Anna, you have to take both versions:

Anna as Zombie

Anna as alert, normal young woman.

I guess Luke will sort that out, see if he wants to keep her next round when she tries to gnaw on his brains during a dinnertime mixer moment. Who knows?

Aw, poor bitch Lauren and unflattering, blubbering Mel B. Lauren, save your scheming and general machinations for the biggest loser, or some such show that you can be villainous and unappealing on.

Mel B, go on some dates. I dunno, Match.com seems to work with the fat and thin alike. Mel B? Stop crying. Christ, you’ll dehydrate yourself.

Craigslist, even, Mel B! There is hope!

Then, a dramatic montage of meeting Melissa B. Hah, none for Lauren, though! Booya.

Next time…more crazy, of course. I mean, more crazy between mealtimes, when time allows.

Thoughts???