More to Love: Fear of Calorie-free liquids and the Unknown

Operation Desperation

This week, Hawaii and shitty tans! The remaining three ladies go on big ‘ol dates like ATVing (and no, it Isn’t MALISSA!), snorkeling and horsebackriding. Nah, just kidding! They ride dolphins instead. Yeah, I know, PETA, are you reading? Well, you should be. Only two women can move on to meet Lucky Luke’s family and get into an awkward, ratings–motivated engagement. It’s ON!

This week on more to love, I’m going motherfuckin’ BAREBACK, bitches! Which means that I’m doing this recap having…

never

have

watched

the

episode.

It’s excitement for BOTH of us to share. You may ask, Monamonzano, how can you do this? Are you REALLY this awesome? The answer: yes. Yes, I am. And thank you for asking.

This week, Mandy Boringstein, Tali Israeli and Malissa the bitch are all in beautiful hawaii. Yes, this means more opportunities to see fat chicks feeling shitty about themselves in swimwear.

also, more time for quiet contemplation.

Luke has a fucking long extended voice-over about how he wants to keep getting to know the girls and this is signified by their “promise rings.” Yeah, it’s very high school band geek. Ever notice how high school band geeks were gross and acne-faced, but they still fornicated like rabbits? I did. Why? Because I wasn’t getting laid in high school. But don’t feel bad for me, I was an equestrian.

Anyhooo….here’s some man breasts.

Do I get my hymen back?

It also seems like Lucky Luke is getting douchier and douchier by the SECOND, as referenced by another lame-ass printed tee and bad tan.

He’s like my Dad, only fatter, younger and with shittier hair.

In some unmarked limousine, the girls ruminate about Hawaii’s splendor. Of COURSE, this is Malissa’s first time in Hawaii. Actually, it’s her first time being out of her trailer park she shares with her sister, I’d imagine, aside from this reality show.

But where do they keep the boons farm in this large car? I’m confused.

Tali wishes she was alone with Luke (or just alone?) Luke meets up with them with some more skinny chicks to make the three chunky monkeys feel even worse. Man, is that a criteria for every date they ever have together? That or scantily clad attire? Nice.

The skinny bitches in question

Of course, the girls are all really nervous. And what does a fat girl do when she’s nervous? Three guesses:

1. Backgammon

2. Work out

3. Crowd the buffet

You don’t have to be a Rhodes Scholar to guess correctly. Still, I’ll give you a hint: It’s number 3.

Then Luke does the second thing he’s at, besides calorie mismanagement:

Dancing like a collegiate douchebag

This all while Malissa is gushing at how much self-respect Luke gives her. What, by humping her leg and calling it dancing? I guess things are different (and probably more tattooed) down at your trailer park. Here, we call Luke a fat date rapist, only without the roofies. Yeah, he’s just a shitty dancer who sweats a lot, in preppy clothing.

I ate the beer pong table. Sorry, Ladies.

Luke announces that this will be the last group date, at least as far as the girls remember. What? Feeling woozy? Probably just like, the altitude. The hawaiian air. Have another Mai Tai….

Cut to Malissa’s cleavage on their first one-on-one…

Man o mammary!

Luke is excited to have some private time with Malissa, blah blah blah blah blah. More dry humping? No, how about some large mammals. You know, aside from the happy couple.

I’m not a Mammal!

Luke likes sea lions because they’re like dogs. Malissa likes dolphins because she has like, 5 back tattoos that feature them. Sounds like a match made in 3rd grader-intellect heaven.

Three way kiss?

Then, as an added bonus, Malissa and Luke get in the water to swim with the poor dolphins. Malissa is shocked the dolphins can support her weight .

Frankly, so is the dolphin.

Riding large mammals together seemed to bring this happy couple closer together.

In the mood for some tuna salad?

Luke and Malissa have a little heartfelt chat about committment (nothing gets answered) over a snack before dinner.

Hot Cheetos and sunburn. Sigh….

Luke I think is sort of getting clued into Malissa’s wanting to win more than wanting to be Mrs. Connolly. Am I wrong? I bet she wants some fancy Hawaiian souveneirs (shot glasses, macadamia nuts, hemp necklaces) and then she’s back to trailer park city. I mean, she’s a light packer. Just a bunch of dresses and the rest fits neatly in her cleavage (butt and boob).

At the restaurant, both Mal and Luke showcase their sunburns over a heartfelt chat about how “funny” Luke is and how he isn’t really the time of guy Malissa has ever dated. I mean, he doesn’t have a prison record or any white supremacy paraphenalia or ANYTHING. CAN THIS WORK?

Malissa says don’t worry about it- that they’ll soon have a domestic violence record if things go “right.” And then she tells Luke she’s preggo so she won’t lose him. Then, he robs a convenience store. Kidding! But still, they’re a fucking modern day fairy tale, aren’t they?

LIke sleeping booby and Prince bloomin’ onion

Luke asks Malissa to have dessert in his room, which I assume literally means “dessert in his room.” At douche casa, things move quickly from the tan couch to the gross bedroom.

Sexy like a retirement home…

sexy like a mattress showroom

Ugh, gross. Rose petals on a bed? Awkward groping? Yeah, that’s enough to make me want to puke my day’s worth of food onto my sunstroked bedfellow. Then, Luke gets all weird. I mean, like quiet n’ contemplative n’ shit. Yeah, cause he’s deep and thinking about you know, like the relationship and like, his future.

I think what he really wants is for her to tell him she loves him, but she’s not about to do that. Maybe another entree? Who knows? I doubt Malissa is the “I love you” type. Or, like the, “have a valid future together” type. Or like, the type that doesn’t have a prison pen pal.

So, they start to suck face a lot, with lots of kissy noises. Lucky luke is falling hard for this bitch. Why? I have some ideas. Namely, two of them, that are falling out of Mal’s shirt.

Classic suck-face

The next morning, Luke wonders how he will ever get over his awesome date with Malissa. Then, he sees Tali and forgets about Malissa. Wow, that simple, eh? Tali is excited, too, and together they get on a boat. It’s funny, though, because Tali was- apparently- in the navy in Israel, but she doesn’t like WATER. Really? What, did you get pick last in the Israeli public service lottery?

Let’s see more seasickness! Ah, Heather. I miss you.

Tali I guess is more of a mountain girl? I can tell, from her fit body. Anyhoo, she’s cute with nice hair, and is definitely the most mature of the three.

Tali, dwarfed by the resident hunk of man-fat

Wait, I take everything back. Luke plans a date of snorkeling, and Tali turns into a five year old about to pee her plus-sized britches. Really? Are you also afraid of things like spiders and modern medicine, you wimp? Christ, suck it up!

I’m going to swallow my tongue! I swear, I will!

Ugh, jesus, you’re supposed to be a tough, big-boned Israeli gal, Tali. Really? Of course, she sucks it up and goes in, and it brings them closer together. Blah blah blah. BORING! Come on! Let’s see some Jaws action, or at least them having a floating picnic.

Shark Bait

That night, the theme of dinner seems to be “aging vegas showgirl.”

Complete with frosted lipstick and the stench of regret

Tali admits that she’s falling deeply in love with Luke and then smokes two packs of pall malls while brooding over twenty year old headshots. Oh, showbiz.

Also, she goads Luke into him telling her that he’s falling for her, which I guess he is, along with liking to make out with her and two other bitches while dancing douchely.

Kissy kissy. I was a dancer, once. (Cough cough)

Oh, let’s not forget the rhinesone earring set. Man, someone call Joan Rivers, her grandmother is on the loose in Hawaii.

Luke feels “encompassed” by Tali, and she’s the only woman who has ever done that to him. What does that even fucking mean, Luke? Has fat and love clotted your power of coherent speech?

Luke suggests that Tali go back up to the room with him, and she’s in disbelief. Plus, she forgot her pajamas. Don’t worry, Tali, I’m sure Luke will act as your pajamas. But first…

A fizzy explosion

Then Tali admits to the camera that she’s…horny???? What? A bit of truth isn’t welcome here. Drown that in high-calorie liquids and benign giggling will you? Geez.

Back in Vaudvillian days we liked to fuck.

Hah. Tali toasts to “one love” as opposed to “more to Love.” Then she eye-rapes Luke in the bathtub.

Quick, grab hold of my tits! I’ve got a deathly fear of bubbles!

Tali decides she’s gonna be a horny ‘lil slut tonight when Luke asks her to bed him. Luke seems to dig her, despite prefacing every thing he said about Tali as “despite us being from two different cultures….” Sorry you’ve never met anyone outside of your po-dunk central california city, Luke.

the bathtub U.N.

Last and certainly most ridiculous is Mandy, the person whom Luke feels like is the most guarded. Yeah, I guess. Who really knows? Again, I’m convinced she got dropped in during the 5th episode a la operation dumbo drop.

Send in some B list actors and a chubby 20 something, stat!

The two go ATVing together. Man, are you sure this isn’t Malissa’s date?

This way I don’t have to hear Mandy talk…

Luke feels Mandy’s pre-pubescent passion and after a little non-calorie burning activity, the couple eats.

Not soon enough!

Luke is convinced Mandy needs to come out of her shell. Man, he is totally FISHING for an “I love you” from one of them ,at least! Mandy is worried that Luke might make a mistake…maybe, like, I dunno, like finding a soulmate through a six week process? Nah, never.

Mandy tells Luke that she’s falling for him (ah, this “falling” rhetoric) and Luke sorta feels like Mandy is the most ready to be with him…despite all the shit he just said about Mandy not coming out of her fat-coated shell. Mandy gets upset that Luke gives douchey love-glances to the other gals, looks that are much like this one:

Your head is a pork chop.

At dinner, Luke further contradicts himself again about Mandy and her not being fun because she keeps bitching about him dating other ladies. Man, WOMEN, right? Fuck a couple, and the third one gets pissy. Hey! A bed on a boat!

It’s just like college, only on a boat.

You see, Mandy is falling in love. And she’s not scared of love- she’s scared of rejection. Really? No shit.

Luke asks Mandy if she can see him marrying her, and she can. A lifetime of enabling one another to overeat- neither are scared of that!

Doughnut holes for every meal… just picture it!

So Mandy and Luke spend the night on the frameless fouton-mattress, with I’m sure some very curious and confused onlookers.

And then, the dreaded elimination.

At least it isn’t a swimsuit elimination

Luke announces how tough the decision was, blah blah blah blah blah. The two lucky ladies that remain will…meet Luke’s family! Oh, joy. Joy to the 10th power! An everlasting delight.

Interesting….TALI GETS THE FIRST RING. Ohh, odd choice. Odd indeed.

Ah, the United Nations Bathtub joke really hit home, eh?

Where is Emme to announce the presence of the final ring? Probably cavorting with some cabana boy or something.

The portable elimination station…now with weird bottom drawer!

And MALISSA gets the last ring. Wow. Mandy’s gonna go APESHIT APESHIT!

Mal’s the gal

Then Emme saunters in, late, looking reminiscent of the first episode.

the great pumpkin rides again!

Of course, Mandy’s pissed.

I had to sleep on a FUTON last night. A FUTON!

They awkwardly hug some more, and Mandy leaves.

A fucking FOUTON, people!

Oh Mando, you left with a whimper.

…my back hurts…

NEXT WEEK: ARYAN VS. JEW in the battle to win Luke’s FAT-CLOGGED HEART!