More to Love: The Fat Apple doesn’t fall far from the Jesus Tree.

Forgo the diet for an EXTRA HELPING OF MORE TO LOVE!

This week on more to love, fatass dreams do come true when Tali and Malissa meat Luke’s family (yeah, I’m hilarious) and then his mom, and go on a final date. Then, Luke picks out two wedding rings for dramatic resonance, but only one girl can get the fat man all to herself!!!! THE FINALE, BITCHES!

Ohhhh, Shit, bitches. More to LOVE in the Hizzy!

So we’re down to Tali Tali Bo Bali and Trashy-ass spelled-with-an-a-in-the-second-letter-space-instead-of-e Malissa. Time to meet Lucky Luke’s family!

Tali is first. But before family comes canine. Right? This dog is surprisingly thin.

I was expecting a pug, or at least a domestic pig.

We learn that Luke is a product of a broken home (no shit) and also that Tali needs to go easy on the self-tanner.

Israel in a bottle

But before the actual meeting…of course, let’s eat something. You two look STARVED. And by starved I mean, like total fat asses, aside from Tali saying she hasn’t eaten anything and is starved. Okay, if you’ve eaten something in the last 45 minutes, than in actuality, you HAVE eaten something. So…

Ease up on the sprite, bitch.

Tali tells Luke that she needs to pick him, so that she can “balance” him. What, with her steadfast healthy eating habits and fear of water. Luke tells Tali that his dad is gonna love her (creepy) and prepared to be grilled by religious right-wingers . Fun!

Bt don’t worry, if you get stressed or nervous, Tali, you can just hide in your own hair.

LIke a waterfall of pantene hiding my fat and my Jewish guilt

This is the first mention of Tali ever being JEWISH, too, and Luke’s family being devoutly Christian. Blech. I mean, I guess I was hoping that Tali was a muslim or one of those Christian jews. Still, I can’t wait for some awkward, non-PC Christian redneck banter! HOLLA!

Oh, here’s the limo driving up in front of a lower middle class home.

Luke’s family: devout Christians and day laborers

We see some white people cutting meat in the back yard, making jokes about overeating. Then, Luke and Tali come in. ZIng! But seriously, Luke’s Dad and brother look like ignorant white dudes and Luke’s grandmother? Well…

She looks a SHIT-TON like this.

Hugs all around, but please don’t touch the art.

Tali meets Mike, Mike and “Grandma.” Christ, these people are the same people who have a basement for crafting, and a special spot at the dinner table for jesus. Barf Bag. And Luke’s Dad is just as condescending as his son! It’s good to know the fat apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Definitely works with his hands.

Luke’s Dad feels Tali’s charisma in his pants.

Luke, of course, is nervous that his family will ask Tali questions like “Where are your horns?” and, “Why did you kill the baby jesus?”

Oh, and Whistler’s Grandmother asks Tali where she is from, and doesn’t really get the answer.

I don’t look or speak to terrorists.

Okay, so whistler’s grandmother is “ohhing” and “ahhing” and wondering about words like “hebrew” and “culture.” Then she asks Tali what her favorite thing about Luke is. Tali says, “That he likes everything chunky-style.” No, she says some mature answer or some shit.

Meanwhile, Mike, Mike and Luke are standing around the food-table.

Platters are for fags, right Dad? (gobble gobble)

Before dinner, the Christians pray to Jesus for all the food he brought them on his alien ship that landed in the Connolly refrigerator. Tali awkwardly complies, but is really wondering, “is this all Kosher?” Yeah, I’m hilarious.

Kosher beef injections, grandma, and an undernourished dog.

Luke’s dad, an asshole, jokes “why don’t we just have church right now.” Whistler’s Grandma laughs.

And then has a small stroke.

Praise the lord and pass the potaters! Wow, this family is oozing class.

They recount the fact that Tali is deathly afraid of water (She’s a witch!!! A witch!) and the family get out some wooden steaks and poles. But really, just steaks. Medium rare.

Tali talks about being fat and how that makes her similar and bonded to Luke. Then she talks about wanting to be a MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER. HAHAHHAHAHA! Are you serious? Just because you’re fat and israeli? Man, okay. I guess. I’m sure other jewish fatties have a handle on it, don’tcha think?

After dinner, they go inside for more food.

All gone!

After talking about the weather and Luke’s family not knowing much about….anything, the dreaded religion talk starts to happen. The real talk, not just the condescending “let’s have church now” talk.

Of course, being a religious zealot asshole, it’s REALLY important that Luke’s dad knows that his kids are being indoctrinated.

I will SLAP the Jesus into your jew kids.

Tali says (with distain, I like to think, because I’m an atheist satan-worshipper) that religion is religion and she wants her little kiddies to know their heritage. Luke comes in to tell his dad that, ultimately, god is real and likes his Israeli piece of ass.

An unflattering picture of a christian lame-ass

…and his mother.

Tali leaves and the next day, it’s Malissa time.

But before going to the family Jesus-camp, what does a redneck girl like to do with her fat-ass boyfriend? Why, play pool in the local smarmy sports bar.

This is just like MY unremarkable, white trash SoCal town!

OF COURSE OF COURSE OF COURSE Malissa is good at pool. Why? Because she’s that white trash fat girl who likes to prove that she isn’t a total failure. Where can one white trash, chesty fat-ass do that? The local pool hall, with some carbombs and some amstel lights.

Just like a handjob, only chalkier.

God, Malissa. All you need to do is work at a mall kiosque and you’d be the CLICHE OF THE UNIVERSE.

Oh, and some greasy-ass snacks to go with.

Because you burned SOOOO many calories playing pool.

Malissa talks about how much she likes pizza and beer. No shit. And how she’s bad at watching what she eats. Wow, more surprises! And then she makes a lame joke about needing glasses, which Luke doesn’t get. Why would you need glasses? TO WATCH WHAT YOU EAT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Gross. Seriously, go on a fucking diet.

My favorite screen pic of all time. I call it, “Romantic Second helpings.”

Of course Malissa will get alone with Luke’s unremarkable, white trash, Jesus-freak family.

But hey, let’s recap it anyway.

Of course, Whistler’s grandma again introduces herself as “Grandma.”

You ain’t my grandma, grandma. If that IS your real name.

They all sit down as Luke’s Dad Oogles Malissa.

Man, I am SO HAPPY that you aren’t jewish.

Then they eat but of course, before eating Luke’s Dad says grace so that the alien jesus can “let the electricity flow.”

It’s very scientific; You wouldn’t understand.

Malissa talks about doing this fat dating show just to do it. And here she is, in the final two! Of course, Luke’s Dad can’t hide his boner.

God, I am SO HAPPY you aren’t Jewish.

SO HAPPY!

Christ, this dude likes that fat white trash bitch. Even whistler’s grandma wants Malissa to fucking fuck them.

Please don’t touch the artwork.

No really, let’s pretend that Jewess doesn’t exist.

Then Luke sends Malissa off in the limo.

Please don’t bone my family.

The next day, both Tali and Malissa sit in the empty mansion. But hark- the doorbell! Who dat?

It’s Luke’s mom, Faith! Wow, and she looks surprisingly less rednecky than Luke’s Dad.

LIke a teacher or a nurse…

The girls get Faith some coffee and Malissa won’t SHUT THE FUCK UP. I love it.

For real, bitch?

A jew? That’s a relief.

As soon as Tali starts talking about her MODELING career (what? I thought she was a motivational speaker? I mean, a neurosurgeon? I mean, a ballerina?) Malissa goes to check on the biscuits.

Tali confesses that she doesn’t cook, and Malissa counters with the fact that she LOVES to cook. Yeah, take that, Jew.

Uhh….

Luke says how much he loves and trusts his mom with the big decisionmaking things. Good, because you know what? A woman with fashionable glasses ALWAYS makes better decisions that some dudes who like grilled meats and jesus.

Luke’s mom believes that two faiths can come together, eat a lot, and live happily ever after. After a couple minutes of Malissa’s blatant brown-nosing and Tali’s more substantial answers, it’s clear that Faith digs TALI!

It’s especially clear after Faith asks both girls why they came on the show. Tali? To make a point that big girls need love. Malissa? She likes free booze and showing her chest off to the wider viewing public.

uh…

Oh yeah, and they were eating.

Snickers bars, champagne and biscuits?

Then Luke’s mom asks Tali to come outside and chit chat. You know, about modeling and perseverence. BO-RING! I get it- Malissa is ridiculous and Tali is less so.

Here’s the girls listening intently:

Impress the mom impress the mom

Then the girls have a contest of which is better: being a fat-ass your whole life or putting on drinking weight from um, drinking with redneck friends and such. Can you guess which girl did what? Oh, I bet you can…

Then Malissa talks about how she wants a new mommy. Maybe Luke’s mommy? Her mom passed away, but not before teaching Malissa to not be annoying, no?

Then Luke talks to his mom about which girl is right for Lucky Luke. Mom thinks Tali is amazing…and Malissa? Well, she’s uh, pretty good at pool, right? And her hair looks nice both up and down. But ultimately, it’s Luke’s choice, right?

Then, ONE MORE DATE WITH EACH WOMAN. Wow, they really like to drag this shit out, don’t they?

Okay, here’s Tali and Luke chatting at a steakhouse:

Tali: Mmm,steak. Luke: yummy, steak

Then, awkward cherry-feeding.

Tali: for reals, bitch. I’m huungry

Tali reassures Luke that she would give up her dreams for him, and then she tells him that she loves him and he tells her that he loves her. But…can you love two women at once? Maybe. I’ve loved a pineapple pizza and a tray of doughnuts at the same time. Yes, people, love is real.

Next is Malissa, and Luke has his second dinner.

decorated by an 8 year old

Malissa is aware that it is her final chance to let it all out..and she said she’d dig a proposal. Romantic? Also, that Luke is amazing (debatable) then she quotes a Carpenters song. And yes, they’ve only just begun. Yawn. Also, Mal loves Luke. Okay, I get it.

Then, the morning of DOOOOOM!

Also that morning, Luke goes to pick out TWO engagement rings. Really? He really can’t decide before buying two rings? I’d either CHOOSE before I BOUGHT A RING or hey, pawn the shit outta one of those rings, right? Am I right?

Uhh….

Luke describes both of the girls and then finds corresponding rings. So Malissa’s ring is fat and reeks of bar rags. Tali’s is hairy.

At the same time, the girls get their hair did.

After a little chit-chat with Emme, Luke and his Lovely Ladies are ready.

And by ready I mean DRAG QUEENED UP.

Also, there are a lot of shots of Luke contemplating.

Life is like, wicked hard.

And MALISSA IS FIRST! Hot damn, sorry, girl. That mean’s your gone, bitch.

Your ass is fat grass

Luke prefaces rejection with telling Malissa that she’s pretty and that he loves her. Well, he loves her but he isn’t in LOVE with her. He loves TALI! Hah. I bet Malissa totally hates jews now.

That jewwwy bitch!

Luke awkwardly walks Malissa out and then does her inevitable limo interview.

Seriously- Shabbat Shalom FUCK YOU.

She even manages to squeeze out a couple tears. Oh, Mal, there are plenty of dudes in that trailer park known as Covina, California.

but Luke needs to take a breather before Tali.

Standing is hella hard!

So Tali shows up and Luke, ever forthright in the condescention, tells her how he’s seen her become confident because of him. Gross.

It’s true! You’re god to me.

He talks about them being from two different worlds, and then she gets disappointed, and then he ends the classic “fakeout” with a proposal! Oh, Geez.

Let’s do this.

And then, lots of snorts and I love yous.

Makeout city

Then, a couple voice overs preaching about how even fat asses can find love. And yeah, that’s the lesson, right? And that’s it folks!!! Thank you so much for watching with me and my racist self!