Most Eligible Dallas: Charitable Donations

Another week safe from the rapture, we can indulge in another hour with our favorite Texas singles.  But before I get to the recap, I’d just like to shine the spotlight on the 800lb elephant in the middle of the room here.  How are these people the most eligible single people in Dallas?  What constitutes a most eligible individual?  If it’s just by virtue of being single, then I’m just overthinking the whole thing.  But to me, to qualify as “Most Eligible” there’s a certain level of desirability involved with the goal being no longer eligible.  The Shrew doesn’t date because she only has eyes for Ken Doll.  Dick Stick can’t get a date without going to a Yenta matchmaker.  Hot Mama is new in town with a kid in tow.  Leatherface seems to have a grandpa fetish.  Ken Doll doesn’t date so much as collect fuck buddies.  Baldy McSixPack is the closest thing we have to an actual “Most Eligible,” but we don’t really see him dating either.  He’s hit on a bunch of girls, done a photo shoot, and participated in a date auction that saw him trying to seduce one of his friends unsuccessfully.  I’m at a loss here, people.

That being said, the story picks up with The Shrew meeting Leatherface for lunch the day after her disastrous date with Smelly Pee.  The Shrew gives Leatherface an etiquette lesson about the correct placement of silverware.  Miss Manners would be so proud.  About her crazy obsession with Ken Doll?  Not so much.  The Shrew talks about following the trails blazed by women who have come before her.  I guess she comes from a long line of stalkers?  We do learn, however, that The Shrew was a pageant princess and a cheerleader.

A real-life Quinn Fabray, minus the teenage pregnancy

Suddenly it all makes sense… a childhood and adolescence filled with 2^nd Runner-Ups, being at the bottom of the pyramid, and Sue Sylvester berating her at every turn has led to her single minded pursuit of her distorted perception of perfection.

A dog walks up to Leatherface on a leash, and she immediately tries to kidnap it and find it a forever home.  The owner, from a rival rescue charity, tells her to back the fuck off.

Who takes a dog bed with them to a restaurant?  And what restaurant allows it?  I call bullshit here.

Based on the fact that she’s carrying around a plush dog bed through a busy restaurant tells me that this had to have been staged to help segue the storyline back to her charity, which apparently costs a shitload per month to keep running, requiring Leatherface to squeeze her wealthy friends for cash at an endless string of fundraisers.  More on that later.

Someone’s pee is gonna be smelly now.  I hope Ken Doll doesn’t mind.

Ironically, The Shrew gets asparagus with her lunch, which prompts Leatherface to fill her in on the details of the date.  After The Shrew confirms that asparagus does, indeed, make your pee smell, they commiserate over the social faux pas just committed, and Leatherface has no other choice but to put the dude in the friend zone.  Actually, after a date like that, that dude needs to be put in the end zone, as in end of all communication whatsoever.  Leatherface thinks these types of experiences are why she’s always been in long term relationships, but The Shrew thinks Leatherface needs experiences like this BECAUSE she’s only been in LTR’s.  I think Leatherface needs to date guys more her age who are much less concerned with the smell of their own excrement.

Later on, Leatherface is at home with a friend and hairdresser, getting ready for the next Paws in the City 60’s/70’s disco themed fundraiser.  Her goal is to make her charity stand out as the one that throws really good parties.  Forget about the charity’s mission.  Throw a party, get people drunk, and fleece them dry.  Whatever keeps the kennels clean.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have Bump-It confirmation!

Fast forward to the 60’s/70’s themed disco party.  Dallas’ young and restless strap on their best retro-wear and gather for the fundraiser.  Baldy McSixPack shows up in a polyester shirt and a wig.  HAHAHAHA!!!  He looks much better bald.   The Shrew shows up on Ken Doll’s arm in what looks like a black bodysuit?

The fact that you own a sparkly sequined shirt and tight white bell-bottoms makes you ambiguously gay, buddy.

Ken Doll broke out the black sequined shirt and tight white bell-bottoms, which sets off the Gaydar, just by virtue of the fact that he owns a costume like this.  They marvel at the fact that they coordinated outfits, but I don’t see much coordination beyond the fact that they’re both wearing black.  And since Ken Doll always seems to be wearing black, it’s not too much of a stretch.  The Shrew, however, has already started to analyze what that means for their relationship potential.

Dick Stick shows up, not even bothering to dress up, unless you call the checkered jacket a costume.  How that relates to the party theme, I don’t know.  You’d think the token gay would throw himself into any opportunity to dress up.  Not so with this particular milquetoast gay.  We quickly find out why.  He’s trying to impress his ex, Cody, who he’s brought to the party.  Apparently, this is a big deal, because Dick Stick never brings guys around.  Someone should tell The Shrew that, by definition, one night stands generally don’t last long enough to meet the friends.  Something tells me she’s never had one, either because she’s too frigid/proper to let that happen, or because guys smell the desperation wafting off her like bad perfume to ever make that a remote possibility.  Cody is a relatively cute cross-eyed twink with some kind of tattoo across his chest.

Someone didn’t get the memo.  This isn’t a white party or a country hoe-down.

The Shrew immediately asks if they’re dating, and Dick Stick shoots daggers out of his eyes, explaining that they used to.  Cross-Eyes elaborates that they get along better as friends.  Tranlation: they’re both bottoms.  Dick Stick, however, is still infatuated.

The party rages on, and Mr. AARP, dressed as a hippie, brings Leatherface some food.  I suspect that this is how Mr. AARP used to dress when he was Leatherface’s age in the actual 60’s/70’s.  Then, he outright asks Leatherface if they can go steady. She’s confused until he clarifies that he wants to go facebook official with their relationship.  Leatherface agrees, and just like that, she’s back in another LTR.

Did she say yes?  My miracle ear doesn’t work so good at raves.

The girls make fun of Baldy McSixPack’s wig, and make him take it off.  He explains that he decided to shave his head when he saw the early warning signs of Male Pattern Baldness, and headed it off at the pass.  Then he says, “I’m not going bald, I’m just getting more head.”  RIMSHOT, CRICKETS. I wonder how long it took the producers to come up with that line and feed it to him.

Hair Club for Men:  I’m not just the President, but I’m also a client.

Leatherface starts introducing her new boyfriend around when suddenly, out of nowhere, one of her ex-fiances appears with a hot young asian on his arm.  “John” is yet another silver fox for her retirement home fetish.

Or it’s a bad facial hair fetish.  Soul patch vs. mutton chops.

Something tells me she seduced one of her father’s friends/business associates as a young girl and now she can’t get away from the older guys.  Things get awkward when introductions are made and he starts massaging his nipple underneath his “vintage” paisley print polyester shirt, reminiscing about their May/December engagement.

Good luck getting this image out of your head.

My reaction exactly.

They immediately move to tense when he puts his arms around Leatherface and smells her mouth, accusing her of smoking cigarettes.

No, Mutton Chops… that’s the scent of melanoma

The Shrew is horrified at his skeevy behavior, and rather than telling him to back the fuck off, Leatherface just excuses herself to go to the bathroom.  In her absence, Mr. AARP grows beer muscles, telling the ex that he’ll rip his arm off and shove it up his ass if he ever touches Leatherface like that again.

Watch out, someone’s liable to break a hip.

The party rages on, and Ken Doll slurs in Leatherface’s ear a compliment about her ability to schmooze people at charity events.  They get a picture, and she finally tells The Shrew that she’s now exclusive with Mr. AARP, sending The Shrew on yet another rant about how she can do better than the dorks she usually dates, suggesting that she’s got a gold plated vagina.  Um, ok.  I don’t know how that equates to her attracting the silver foxes, but whatever.  The Shrew shrugs it off, suggesting she at least get Mr. AARP to shave off the soul patch.  We’ll see if that happens.

After the commercial, our cast gathers for brunch.  Hot Mama shows up and the straight boys gush over her beauty while The Shrew grimaces and rolls her eyes.  Hot Mama takes her seat next to Ken Doll, but she interviews an attraction to Baldy.

I agree… Baldy makes me lick my lips, too.

Ah, the plot thickens!  The Shrew interrogates Baldy about whether or not he banged a chick, and he evades the question.  Ken Doll asks if anyone will be drinking, which leads to Dick Stick to reveal that he’s a recovering alcoholic.  Add that to his other current and former addictions:  food, indiscriminate sex, and general laziness.  However, his deep pockets help cure his deep-seeded need for acceptance, and now he’s being honored by the Design Industry for Fighting AIDS (DIFA) for all the money he’s donated to AIDS charities in Dallas.  He has a table at the event, and he’s inviting everyone to attend.

Guys, I’m a philanthropic giant, now.

Dick Stick takes a couple of steps towards likeability here, revealing his anxiety over being in the spotlight and looking to his friends for moral support.  Meanwhile, The Shrew focuses on Gaylon being in the fashion show and the dress being designed just for her and the vintage Chanel jewelry she’ll be wearing.  As I’m learning pretty quickly here, the charities take a back seat to the social calendar they occur on.  Dick Stick is sure to mention the open bar for anyone who wants to develop cirrhosis of the liver, immediately looking over to our resident alkie, The Shrew.  HAHAHA!!!

Looks like someone doesn’t understand that the joke is on her.

Night falls, and Hot Mama leaves the kid with a babysitter to step out for a night on the town with a friend of hers for what turns out to be a double blind date.  She’s setting her hot brunette friend up with Baldy McSixPack, while he’s setting Hot Mama up with football buddy of his.  At first glance, Baldy’s friend is built with rugged good looks.

Lucky bitch.  How can I score a blind date with Baldy (and not drop a grand at a bullshit date auction)?

Is it just me, or does Glenn’s friend resemble the CGI primates in Rise of the Planet of the Apes?

Just saying…

They meet up at a restaurant for dinner and dancing and toast to new friends for what appears to be a promising evening.

For those without dates, Leatherface and a friend throw an adult slumber party for the girls and gays, complete with champagne and a tarot card reader.

Is this what rich people do when they don’t have dates?

The psychic shows up asking if they’ve ever had real readings before.  When they reply in the negative, he calls them virgins and asks if they want a group or individual sessions.  Mr. Cleo then does a ritual interpretive dance to clear the room of bad energy before they learn how to pleasure themselves with phallic fruits and vegetables channel the spirits.  Leatherface is impressed with Mr. Cleo’s tai chi, calling him the real deal of tarot card readers.

Totally credible psychic… or just playing out a gymnastics fantasy, and he’s stuck a perfect landing.

Back at the club, Baldy does the lambada with his date while Hot Mama is stuck chair dancing with hers.  He starts babbling about something Hot Mama, or the rest of us for that matter, can’t make heads or tails of it.  He’s either had too much to drink or he was dropped on his head as an infant (he’s a punter by virtue, so you know it’s not from a tackle related sports injury).

No, I’m totally interested in what you’re saying.

Let’s call him Don’t Speak, because this dude is definitely one of those guys who looks hot from a distance, but as soon as he opens his mouth, the stupidity completely shatters the fantasy.  Baldy and Brunette return to the table, sufficiently turned on by all the bumping and grinding.  At least they’re hitting it off.  Then again, Baldy could probably hit it off with a mannequin, as long as he gets some action.  Baldy invites everyone back to his place, and Hot Mama looks scared about what that implies.  Girl, tell him to shut up, use him, and give him a fake phone number at the end of the night.  Why is this so complicated?

Back at the slumber party, Mr. Cleo completes his dance and the tarot card orgy beings.

Almost NSFW!  Ladies shouldn’t sit like that when they’re wearing babydoll nightgowns in the presence of men.  Where are your Southern Values now?

He passes around the deck for everyone to pick the card that speaks directly to them.  Gaylon chooses the 9 of Swords, which reveals he has a deep deep dark dark deep dark secret that’s torturing him.  Gaylon looks on with a very concerned look on his face, but he neither confirms nor denies this prediction.

Gee, I hope no one realizes that I’m pretending to be gay to have sex with unsuspecting women looking to turn me straight.

The Shrew chooses the 3 of Swords, which represents the love triangle she’s currently involved in.  Mr. Cleo calls her mentally unstable, which… BINGO!  Mr. Cleo clarifies that she sets herself up for destructive relationships because of some scarring experience in the past.  Gaylon brings up her tendency to put potential boyfriends in the friend zone too quickly because she doesn’t wanna get hurt.  Everyone is amazed at Mr. Cleo’s clairvoyance, except anyone who has met her for 5 minutes would know this based on her obsession with Ken Doll.

Realizing you can’t catch a husband with the name of Ken Doll by being FRIENDS with them.

The Shrew takes this all to heart, suggesting that she needs to open herself up more to the possibility of love with someone other than Ken Doll.  I guess that’s a step in the right direction.  Leatherface’s friend gets a positive reading, learning that she’s got financial success and good man in her future.  Leatherface’s reading, however, is not so good.  Mr. Cleo calls her out on her fear of commitment and LTR’s, saying she’s got sexual hang-ups (probably because all her boyfriends have erectile dysfunction), and she keeps passing up her perfect guy.

Bitch, please!  I didn’t pay you a shitload of money for you to tell me the truth about my grandpa fetish.

Someone did his homework before showing up at the slumber party!  The Shrew asks about Mr. AARP, and Mr. Cleo drops the ball, saying that he doesn’t see a man in her life right now.  I think he mistook “Jody” as a girl’s name and thought Leatherface was a lesbian.  Either way, according to Leatherface, Mr. Cleo is suddenly a fraud and doesn’t know what he’s talking about, even though he pretty much nailed her personality to a tee.  Next time, just tell her that a prescription of Viagra will solve all her relationship problems and move on.

Over at Baldy’s bachelor pad, Brunette puts on one of his douchy caps and rides a skateboard across his living room floor while Baldy digs out some Cheez-Its and takes her up to the roof for some alone time.

Viral Video Sensation:  Drunken Skateboard FAIL

Baldy is all proud of himself for suggesting this instead of his bedroom because he gets to sample the goods without looking like a total perv.  Meanwhile, Hot Mama sits on the couch next to Don’t Speak, trying to telepathically tell her friend not to leave them alone.

Please don’t leave me alone with this neanderthal.  He might start slinging poop at me.

On the roof, Baldy makes his move, suggesting they should hang out again, while in the living room, Hot Mama emphatically states that she’s SO SLEEPY!  She tells Don’t Speak that she’s had a really long week, and Don’t Speak tries to relate to her exhaustion by comparing it to his exhaustive search for a BMX bike.  HAHAHAHA!!!  Seriously, Don’t Speak…. DON’T SPEAK!  After some cheez flavored kisses, Baldy and Brunette return to the living room.  Baldy starts strumming on a guitar while Don’t Speak tries to make his move, asking Hot Mama if she wants to go upstairs.  Without a moment’s hesitation, she shoots him down and after chanting her friend’s name, she finally gets her attention so that they can leave.  I’m surprised Hot Mama didn’t run outta there like Ken Doll last week at the mere suggestion of commitment.

The Humanization of Dick Stick continues next, as we get to meet his family.  He shows up at his father’s palatial estate, where he’s immediately greeted by his sister, his two toddler half brothers, a stepmother who’s apparently only two years older than him, and his silver fox dad.

Silver Fox Daddy and StepMommy TrophyWife

Dick Stick respects his dad, putting a great deal of weight on the family name and their notoriety in the community.  Like the rest of us, he doesn’t like the term “stepmother.”  I think the correct term should really be trophy wife and/or gold digger.  Dick Stick talks about his coming out process, which happened at the age of 24, and after a brief adjustment period, his family appears to be supportive of his lifestyle.  It’s rather endearing, and suddenly, I don’t hate him that much anymore.

The doorbell rings, and Dick Stick’s “friend” arrives.  Twinky Ex greets the family very politely, and apparently, this is the first time Dick Stick has brought a guy home to meet the family.  This all begs the question: if he’s an EX, why are you introducing him around to your friends and family?  This is just weird and ridiculous, but Dick Stick explains that he hopes meeting the family will show Twinkie Ex that he still has feelings for him.  A team of chefs and servers prepare the meal, and Dick Stick tells us that he didn’t grow up in this lifestyle.  His dad just worked really hard to get mega rich, so now they’re all indulging in the excess.  They sit down to eat and talk about work and cars, and Dick Stick is freaking out about what it all means.  He mentions the old adage about gay men and their fathers, but elaborating only that the relationships are “interesting.” Please keep your incestuous fantasies to yourself, Dick Stick.  Then he teaches his toddler brothers to spit grapes out their mouths, and Stepmommy tosses grapes into Daddy Dick Stick’s mouth.  It’s playful and whimsical and all that, but all I can think about is the infamous ping pong ball out of the vagina trick, and my stomach turns.

It’s a wonder this act didn’t make it on America’s Got Talent.

Out in the yard, Twinkie Ex asks Dick Stick about how he’s holding up, and he mentions how he’s never brought a guy home to meet the family.  Again, I wonder why Twinkie Ex is even there at all.  By virtue of the whole EX aspect of their relationship, shouldn’t he be the last person to bring home?  I fail to see why Twinkie Ex would agree to go meet an ex-boyfriend’s family unless 1. He wants to get back together with Dick Stick, or 2. He wants to be on TV.  Something tells me it’s the latter.  I’d check IMDB to see if that’s the case but I’m too lazy.  Then Dick Stick relates how his dad was unemployed and poor when he was growing up, and they’re basically nouveau riche.  That explains his love affair with buddins and paying people to do everything for him.  Still, it’s sweet, and Dick Stick becomes a little bit more likeable.

Next, we get to see Ken Doll have dinner with his parents, grandmother, and The Shrew.  Ken Doll’s mom apparently loves The Shrew, although that might change after she sees this show.  Ken Doll explains that they’re both Southern with their Values (Translation: JUDGMENTAL) and they both like to keep him in line (Translation: Ken Doll’s mom is a shrew herself).

Ken Doll’s mom even has the same Judgmental Side Eye!

Now that we know the similarities between the two of them, we get to see where Ken Doll has inherited his talents for being a player.  Swinging Gramma is currently has 4 regular gentleman callers.  When Ken Doll hears this, he goes in for a high five with The Shrew, who’s clearly amused.

It’s all fun and games until Gramma and/or Ken Doll gets an STD.

I’m shocked she doesn’t pass some kind of judgment rooted in jealousy.  The woman is 3 times The Shrew’s age and she’s got 4 times the number of boyfriends.  But it’s ok, she explains, because all her boyfriends are dying.  So, it’s charity work?  Or she’s angling to get in their wills at the last second?  We never get clarification.

The Shrew, however, blames the fact that she can’t date because she’s a hopeless romantic.  Translation: She’s hopelessly in love with a man so afraid of commitment, he can’t even keep a doctor’s appointment.  Ken Doll’s mom chimes in, saying she deserves to find a man as wonderful as her own.  Apparently, Ken Doll’s dad is the woman in their marriage, bringing his wife breakfast in bed every Saturday.  They have the perfect marriage, which sets the standard way too high for any man to possibly achieve.

Someone’s angling for the spokesperson job for Extenze

The Shrew is destined to Grey Gardens future.  Interestingly, Ken Doll points out that his parents have such a great relationship because they’re best friends.  Good thing he relates that information in an interview segment.  Otherwise, he would have just validated The Shrew’s craziness and encouraged her single minded pursuit of him.  At the table, Ken Doll’s mom mentions that she’s desperate herself, for grandchildren.

At that precise moment, Ken Doll chokes on a chicken bone, and The Shrew has an orgasm wrapping her arms around him to give him the Heimlich.

Personally, I’m surprised a faulty condom hasn’t produced a grandchild or 5 already, the way he spreads his seed around Dallas.  Then he states with an inordinate amount of certainty that he won’t be married for at least another 5-7 years, which puts The Shrew at the tail end of her best child bearing years.  Ken Doll’s mom suggests they make a best friends marriage pact, but Ken Doll won’t take the bait, claiming that neither of them will be that desperate.  Man, he’s really that clueless.  The Shrew will wait forever if it means that she’ll end up married to Ken Doll.

Auditioning for the remake of Cagney & Lacey

In the mid-commercial vignette, The Shrew and Leatherface go to a shooting range to fire pink handled pistols.  Whoever had 4 episodes in the pool to guess when the Texas/Handgun connection was going to be made, you’ve just won.  Also, the clerk who thought it was a good idea to put a gun in The Shrew’s hands should be arrested for reckless endangerment.  I’m surprised she didn’t go on a rampage, killing all of women in Ken Doll’s harem.

It’s the day of Dick Stick’s big gala DIFA event, and he relates to a friend how nervous he is to walk out on stage to get recognized.  But Twinkie Ex will be there, so he’ll be ok.  Meanwhile, Leatherface and The Shrew get ready together.  Leatherface is wearing a seafoam green dress with a clashing turquoise necklace.

I hope someone calls her out on this particular fashion faux pas.

At the last minute, The Shrew’s tailor made dress arrives, and it looks like a pleated curtain and her vintage Chanel scrap metal jewelry.  Girl looks fug, y’all.  For realsies.

Can you tell where the curtains end and The Shrew’s dress begins?  I didn’t think so.

Ken Doll gets back from a run covered in sweat.  I guess this was supposed to make him look more masculine and desirable, and if you know me, I always appreciate a gratuitous shirtless shot.  But it’s like he’s hamming it up for the camera, and I wanna remind him that he’s not filming a porno.

Bow Chicka Bow Wow….. BLECH!

While we see him in the shower, shampooing his hair, he interviews that he normally takes The Shrew to events like this to be his wing woman, but this time around, he’s taking Hot Mama as his date.  Afterwards, he chills in his closet and calls him mom to discuss wardrobe options, which only highlights his effeminate qualities.  He lets her know, too, that he’s taking Hot Mama to the event, and I hope she knows that Neill is a woman.  Otherwise, she may think he’s finally coming out to her.  He settles on wearing black (because he NEVER wears black), and heads out to begin his seduction of Hot Mama.  Except this may be the real deal for him, as he tells us he’s going to put himself out there to see what happens.  I hope he gets a strong dose of his own medicine, and Hot Mama puts him in the friend zone.

Back at Dick Stick’s, he calls down to the concierge to have his Ferrari brought up, and Twinkie Ex arrives for their date.  He helps Dick Stick with his handkerchief (why not just get a pocket square, dummy), and Dick Stick talks about how he can grab Twinkie Ex’s hand if he gets nervous.

That’s not his hand, Twinkie Ex.  He needs moral support, not a hand job.

I wanna make a joke, but it’s really sweet and vulnerable.  This is a big deal for him, because he never finished college and they don’t play pomp and circumstance when you leave rehab.  Clad in sunglasses, they head out for the event.

Dick Stick parks his own car at the event (guess DIFA couldn’t afford valet parking?) and greets his family outside.  He interviews that despite the weight and the alcoholism, his dad stuck by him, and he’s grateful for that.  The party begins, and Dick Stick goes on about how he was bullied in school, and how great it feels to have the people he cares about supporting him.  For one, I had no idea Dick Stick could be this human.  I almost like him now.

Except… please do something about that weird Alfalfa thing going on with your hair.

Our other 5 Most Eligibles arrive in their Sunday best and settle in at their table.  The program begins, but Leatherface and The Shrew can’t be bothered with paying attention.

The stage is the other way, idiots.

To them, wondering if Hot Mama and Ken Doll are an item is much more important than the AIDS crisis in Texas.  While Dick Stick is worrying about his walk across the stage, Hot Mama gets up from the table, leaving Ken Doll exposed for interrogation.  The Shrew takes the helm of the Judgmental Express yet again, asking if he brought Hot Mama because he knew that she was going to the party with Leatherface.  Ken Doll retorts, somewhat lamely, that he already knew that and asked Hot Mama anyway.  The Shrew, not one to be outdone, asks if she should tell Hot Mama she was Ken Doll’s second choice, at which point, Ken Doll observes that she waited for Hot Mama to get up from the table to start talking shit on about her.  All the while, the emcee is on stage discussing the AIDS epidemic and their friend is back stage waiting to be honored.  Real nice, dicks.

Finally, after more panicking and a minor bladder concern backstage, Dick Stick gets his moment in the spotlight.  His walk is awkward and not at all comfortable, but his entourage cheers loudly for him, which is nice.

He still walks like a man carrying around 420lbs of flab.

Afterwards, Baldy gushes pride in his gay friend and Dick Stick says he felt self confidence for the first time.  Hot Mama compliments him, and Twinkie Ex took a video of him walking across the stage.  AWWWWW!!!  What a great moment for him!  I’d like to give him a hug right now.

And then, the drama begins.  As Dick Stick is talking about his volunteer work, The Shrew gets up to greet Gaylon, and the two of them and Leatherface aren’t paying Dick Stick any attention.

AIDS = Good Times!

He interviews his feeling that The Shrew is only friends with him because they happen to be in the same circle.  Resentment + Alcohol = GAY CAT FIGHT!!!  They go into the next room for the fashion show, which is ten shades of ridiculous, and when Gaylon comes on stage, they cheer for him to the point where he can’t maintain Blue Steel.

You need to purse your lips to complete the look, Gaylon.

The Shrew loves her Gubby (gay hubby) Daylon, but one gay in particular isn’t too fond of her antics.  Our guest of honor stands by while the spotlight shifts to The Shrew, her one-of-a-kind curtain dress and her kindergarten inspired aluminum foil jewelry.

Well, you know how much the gays love interior design.  They’re trying to figure out how they can transform her dress back into a window treatment.

Dick Stick loses his patience, slamming her for being more interested in the fashion than the cause.  Um, HELLO!  Giving to charity is a status symbol.  Very few rich people actually do it out of the goodness of their heart.  They’re basically buying publicity and a tax deduction.  And that includes you, Dick Stick.  Let’s be honest.

He’s got The Shrew’s judgmental expression down pat, for sure!

Outside, he mocks The Shrew for her vanity, although in her credit, she introduced herself at the beginning of this show as a slave to vanity.  If you were actually friends before filming this show, you’d have known that.

Think he’s self-aware enough to realize that this is how he makes women, The Shrew in particular, feel with his group dates and endless fucking around?

Checking in with Ken Doll, he’s lost his arm candy.  Hot Mama is nowhere to be found.  Last reported sighting, running off with Baldy McSixPack, who asks her out to breakfast.  She accepts, and the love triangle becomes a trapezoid!  THIS IS GONNA GET GOOD!  With the booze flowing, they express their love for each other, and Baldy says how much he “cherishes their friendship.”  HAHAHA!!!!  It’s all harmless until Ken Doll loses his prize possession.  Ken Doll whines to the camera about Hot Mama being MIA the whole night.  Ken Doll = SPOILED LITTLE RICH KID!

Meanwhile, Leatherface and The Shrew are looking for Gaylon, and Dick Stick has finally had enough.  After confirming with Twinkie Ex that they’re being blown off, Dick Stick tracks down The Shrew to confront her about her behavior.

She only knows you because of the Bravo paycheck.  Don’t delude yourself into thinking there’s anything more there.

And in that one moment, all of the good will Dick Stick has built this entire episode goes down the drain.  Acting like a petulant brat, he accuses The Shrew of loving Gaylon more than him.  I’m not exactly sure as to the extent of the relationships between all these people, but someone should tell Dick Stick that this isn’t a pissing contest.  And while we’re pointing things out, someone should tell The Shrew that she’s a guest of Dick Stick’s at this fucking event.  Show a little deference and respect, you self-centered princess.  Dick Stick continues his tirade, and The Shrew and Gaylon stand there, confused and whining.

And judgmental, of course.

And there you have it, folks.  Next week, the DIFA party rages on, along with Dick Stick’s tirade at The Shrew; Ken Doll berates Hot Mama for ignoring him, Baldy McSixPack’s ex comes to town, and Leatherface and Dick Stick break into a shantytown to “rescue” a dog, Mr. AARP doesn’t want more kids, and The Shrew and Ken Doll……. KISS?!?!?!??!  AND IT LOOKS LIKE KEN DOLL LIKES IT!!!!  OH SHIT!!!!   Is it Monday night yet?!?!?!?

Overall, this week’s episode was a little scattered and a bit boring.  The Shrew wasn’t drunk nearly enough, and Dick Stick’s personality isn’t enough to carry an entire episode.  Here’s hoping for more Judgmental Express, and love trapezoid drama next week!  See y’all there!