Most Eligible Dallas: Package Envy

Right on the heels of last week’s historic earthquake, the east coast was slammed with the weakest possible hurricane that still qualified as a hurricane.  Combined with a tornado that flew right overhead earlier this summer and the blizzards and ice storms from this past winter, I’m convinced that the Armageddon is upon us.  Or at the very least, a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah situation.  Some higher power is warning us to turn away from the trashy excess that is reality TV on Bravo lest we all turn into pillars of salt, but I’m powerless to turn away.  For you, Gasmii, I will soldier on, because this show is quickly becoming my #1 guilty pleasure!

Last week on MED, our Texan single-and-minglers got their drink and date on in amazingly awkward fashion.  Tara (Ms. Leatherface) took her friendship with Mr. AARP to the next level, cautiously stepping into May/December Romance territory, Drew (Dick Stick) went on a disastrous blind date with a short, red-headed Mexican dude thanks to the incompetence of an aging Yenta, Glenn (Baldy McSixPack) creamed himself over glamour shots for his fitness modeling portfolio, Matt (Ken Doll) tried out fundamental Mormonism before taking a random blond to bed, and Courtney (The Shrew) drives the Judgmental Express full speed ahead, failing to make amends with Neill (Hot Mama).

Our episode opens right after Ken Doll hangs up on The Shrew.  Apparently, they’ve never fought before, which rings false to me if Ken Doll has slept with every other woman in Dallas EXCEPT for her.

And who wouldn’t want to sleep with her and her hump?  Oh, that’s the mic pack.  Gotcha.

Something about Hot Mama tickles the green monster inside her, I guess.  Determined to prove herself to Ken Doll, she immediately calls up Hot Mama and invites her out again to sort out their differences (yeah, because that’ll end well, or differently).  She says, “Matt seems to think that things aren’t good, and I’d really like, for once and all, that we get this sorted out.”  Translation:  Ken Doll is pissed that we’re not besties, but I had him first, so you need to put your blonde ass in check and deal with me.”  They make plans to meet up at the arboretum for their third attempt to get to know each other.  The Shrew concedes that Hot Mama is a part of Ken Doll’s life that’s obviously not going away like every other blonde bimbo in a hundred mile radius, so she’ll have to deal with it and make nice.

I’m surprised her closet isn’t full of witch’s cloaks.

Then she opens her closet to get dressed, saying, “It’s on, bitches!”  Because that suggests she’s ready to make nice.  More like make trouble.

Meanwhile, Ken Doll is at a lunch meeting with a co-worker when a random blonde stops by to say hello. Suddenly, work is forgotten about, and his co-worker takes his shit and heads off to another meeting while Ken Doll sticks around to pursue some afternoon delight.

Screw work!  My dad will understand if I blow off a meeting for a quickie.

They sit down, and Ken Doll sighs while leaning his head against the patio barrier, complaining that it’s been a long day.  Dude, it’s fucking lunch time, and you’re obviously about to blow off the rest of the workday.  He fishes for sympathy by claiming to be overwhelmed, and the blonde laments that he’s always out of town.

My life is so hard.  WAHHHHH!

Ken Doll explains that he travels because he doesn’t have a ball and chain, but he’d like to have one.  UM, HUH?!?!?  He asks what’s on her agenda coming up, and she’s just taking things one day at a time.  He compliments her go-with-the-flow attitude, and I finally realize what he’s doing.  He’s fishing for another fuck buddy, hinting that he’d stick around town more if he could get in her pants.

Stalker, much?

Before he can seal the deal, though, another blonde walks by for another random run-in.  Ken Doll invites her to join them, and Random Blonde #1 clears her throat (remember this for later) and puts on our newly patented Back Up Off My Ken Doll ™ facial expression.

NO ONE COMES BETWEEN ME AND MY MAN!

For those of you who forgot what that facial expression looked like on Kat last week.

Ken Doll introduces the blondes and immediately pushes forward with the thinly veiled conversation about free love and no strings attached.  Random Blonde #2 agrees with him that this way of thinking is indeed “refreshing.”  Ken Doll seems to think that he’s better at communicating with women, but as soon as Blonde #1 gets the hint, she excuses herself to get back to work.  Blonde #2 must have fallen for this very same trap, because she immediately calls Blonde #1 ugly and then clues him into the fact that girls don’t really think that way.  Blonde #1 is gonna interpret that a date with him means a possible future for them.  Ken Doll insists she’s cool with the fact that he doesn’t “date,” and Blonde #2 proceeds to laugh in his face, like the rest of us wish we could.

When he doesn’t like being told he’s wrong, the Lisa Rinna Lips puff out!

Hot Mama arrives first, playing with her kid while pondering the reasons behind this newest meeting as they wait for the Shrew to show up.  She consoles herself in the fact that at least the location isn’t another bar, so the expectation is that The Shrew will remain sober.  The Shrew finally arrives draped in what looks like a coral colored tablecloth.

Despite the color, it actually looks an awful lot like a witch’s cloak.  Weird…

She greets them warmly, focusing most of her attention on Major.  However, you can tell she’s trying really hard to keep the Judgmental Express parked at the station, saying that she’s only doing this for Ken Doll with a pained, constipated look on her face.  They sit down at a table and the hope of a sober conversation immediately flies out the window as The Shrew announces her intention to get a glass of wine.  Right off the bat, The Shrew again tap dances around an apology, justifying her initial reaction to Hot Mama by likening her to one of Ken Doll’s countless other bimbos.  Hot Mama’s big ass sunglasses hide what must be glorious eye-rolls and facial expressions.

I feel cheated!  Her eyes must be totally buggin’ out right now!

Hot Mama avoids yet another confrontation, nodding as if she’s the line of argument within The Shrew’s verbal diarrhea, calling it all excuses.  Finally, The Shrew calls herself overprotective and asks if Hot Mama can look past her despicable behavior so that they can be gal pals and shopping buddies.  For the sake of making peace, Hot Mama gives in, and they high five, agreeing on a truce.

Let’s be Frenemies!  YAY!

To prevent continued awkward conversation, they both focus their attention on Major’s savant-like ability to operate an iPhone.  The Shrew convinces herself that the tension between them is magically gone, and for the first time, they related to each other like girlfriends.  I’ll reserve judgment until the next time the three of them are back in the same room, because I’m not buying this reconciliation for a second.

Later that night, Ken Doll calls The Shrew to compliment her on successfully negotiating peace in the Middle East.  At least, that’s what they’re making it seem like.  The Shrew just did what she had to do to make sure no one comes between her and her man… er, friend.  Sorry, I have Big Brother on the brain (TEAM JORDAN!!!)  Ken Doll thanks her for finally settling things with Hot Mama.  He’s certain that she knows her behavior was wrong, even though he suspects that she made peace just to make him happy.

Back from commercial, The Shrew joins Baldy McSixPack and Ken Doll for brunch, promptly ordering the Millionaire Mimosa.  Because if we’ve learned one thing about her, it’s that she’s an up and coming alcoholic.

Introducing The Alcoholic Shrew Drinking Game!!!  Take a drink every time The Shrew does.  Like NOW!

Reading off of cue cards, she informs the boys that it’s time to pick players for the veto competition… er charity fundraiser date auction.  She’s hosting this “huge” charity event for the America Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and she’s already signed them up.  The boys complain a little bit about not being asked, but they quickly give in because the script says to.  They have to come up with their idea of a dream date, and they’ll be wearing a shirt that says, “Ask me about my package,” referring to their date package the women will be bidding on, and on the back of the shirt is the silent auction form.  First of all… HAHAHAHA!!!  Second of all, this is a brilliant idea.  In a former life, when I was planning events like this for a living, this type of quirky idea always caught on.  Hell, even I think it’s pretty cool, and I hate shit like that!

Every party has a pooper, and it looks like…. KEN DOLL!

Baldy LOVES the idea, but Ken Doll looks less than thrilled, especially after Baldy looks to put a side bet down on which of them will bring in the higher winning bid.  He tries to laugh it off, saying that he’ll win the bet unless Baldy takes his shirt off.  With his douchy personality and plastic looks, the only way Matt can win is if he buys himself.  Then again, I wouldn’t put it past him to do just that.

Baldy, meanwhile, embraces the fun of it, giving The Shrew a hug for giving him the opportunity to hit on a room full of desperate women.  This also gives US the opportunity to hear another of her patented Fantasy List of Qualities for a Friend’s Perfect Mate ™.

OOOH, do me next!

I have to admit, I got all excited!  For Baldy, The Shrew envisions a gorgeous woman who likes football, but who doesn’t care so much about fashion that she’ll have a problem with wearing a football jersey with his name on the back, which is something that she’d never do if she were dating a football player.  Wait… that’s it?  BOOOOOOOOO!!!!  She just described a blow up doll.  Baldy deserves better than that.  Like Lrhflute.  She’s gorgeous and wouldn’t mind wearing his jersey.  Neither would I for that matter, except I have a penis, so I don’t qualify.

Unfortunately, instead of pursuing Baldy’s love life further, we switch gears and are made to suffer though hearing about Leatherface’s instead.  The Shrew meets up with her at a salon for a mani/pedi and girl talk.  We have to suffer through them discussing the line of Texas inspired nail polish colors, like It’s Totally Fort Worth It.  Yawn.  How about I Left My Virginity in (San) Antonio or I Wanna Fuck Stone Cold Steve Austin or El Paso the Merlot?  Speaking of wine, the girls take their seats and get started on a foot bath while a Korean serves them each a glass of it.

TAKE A SHOT!

Time for Leatherface to dish as she announces that Mr. AARP is gonna stop by to say hi.  The Shrew isn’t thrilled at the idea of meeting him, and she starts to tear him down.  She says he’s got a face for radio and that he’s old…er.  She asks if he’s graying, and Leatherface concedes that he’s got salt and pepper hair.

Judgmental Express…. leaving the station!

To clarify, The Shrew makes sure he’s more like George Clooney old instead of Bob Barker old, and Leatherface says he’s a combination of the two.  Considering how much Leatherface looks like one of Barker’s beauties from back in the day, it all suddenly makes sense to me now.  Then the real dish comes out, as Leatherface reveals that Mr. AARP has 4 ex-wives and 3 children.  For those of you who can’t do the math, that’s more than a full set of Louis Vuitton luggage.  The Shrew is immediately turned off, pointing out that she will always play 4^th fiddle to his kids, and she advises Leatherface to slow down with him.

As if on cue, either thanks to the wonders of editing or from the director’s stage direction, Mr. AARP walks into the salon.  Leatherface introduces him to a wholly shocked and mildly disgusted Shrew.  He drops a corny joke about being a thumb in a room full of fingers (um, the last time I checked, the thumb was an actual finger), and The Shrew tells the camera that the soul patch has got to go.  Glad it’s not only me who thinks that.  Not that it’ll make him look better or less elderly.  He continues goofing off, which Leatherface finds endearing and The Shrew finds humiliating.

At least he isn’t doing the whole mock asian stereotype thing, especially in front of an actual asian.

When he excuses himself to use the bathroom, Leatherface asks what The Shrew thinks, and she grimaces in response, saying he’s not her type.  But Leatherface argues that he’s so sweet in comparison to the assholes she usually dates.  The Shrew whips out her big red purse, using it as a perverbial red flag to warn her against getting involved with him.  Mr. AARP conveniently returns, deciding to make a quick exit before things get any more awkward.  The Shrew forces herself to say through the biggest smile/grimace that it was nice to meet him.

Except her facial expression says anything but.

Hey, Leatherface, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of the Judgmental Express?  Not so enjoyable, huh?

Later on, The Shrew arrives at Ken Doll’s house in advance of the charity fundraiser.  She lets herself into his house, as he emerges from his bedroom wearing only a towel, and she fakes surprise and embarrassment while sneaking a peek at his “package.”  He storms up to her and hugs her, while her brain malfunctions from the shock of her wildest fantasies suddenly playing themselves out in reality.

It’s like she’s Johnny #5, and she just got doused with water.

He hugs her and playfully nuzzles her neck while she short circuits.  To the camera, she interviews how great she thinks he looks shirtless, wanting to rub BBQ sauce all over him.  The sad thing is I can picture her doing it right now, looking at him like he’s a plate of ribs that’s just been placed in front of her and she hasn’t eaten all day.  She tells him that it doesn’t matter what shirt he wears, because he’ll be wearing the Package t-shirt.  He goes into his bathroom to get dressed and without thinking, she follows him in.  Cue two beats of awkward silence, and she finally suggests leaving.  Thanks to our wonderful editors, we get Ken Doll’s response in subtitles.

Look at your man, now look at me; back at your man, now back at me.

Ken Doll primps for the event, and while he’s putting on his Texas boots, The Shrew watches closely, filing the images away in her brain for her masturbatory fantasies later on.  She briefs him on his duties at the auction, to schmooze the middle aged wealthy housewives to milk every possible cent out of them… for charity of course.  Ken Doll finishes getting dressed, saying he’s ready to be whored out, all for a good cause.

Baldy’s version of getting ready to be whored out is doing chin-ups underneath a staircase, presumably to get the muscles bulging for when the women will be drooling over them.  Afterwards, he turns the shower on and undresses.

And suddenly, I know how The Shrew must have felt walking in on Ken Doll in a towel.  I hereby retract my earlier judgment.

He’s babbling something about beating Ken Doll in the auction and having confidence or whatever, but I’m hypnotized by his body.  I’d like to slather ranch dressing on him and go to town!  Unfortunately, he closes the door as he’s about to get naked.  Dammit, why can’t this be the Big Brother House?!?!?!

Everyone arrives at the bar where this “huge” charity fundraiser will be taking place.  Yeah, not huge by any stretch of the imagination.  A rudimentary count reveals about a dozen or so guys being auctioned off.  At best, this fundraiser is gonna net $10K.  Not bad, but any one of our castmates could write a check for that and be done with it.  The charity worker lady shows the shirt and lays out the procedure for bidding.  Baldy clarifies the meaning of “package” for those of us who are too stupid to remember it from 7 minutes ago, but he reveals that he’s fine being asked about any of his packages.  Apparently, Baldy is proud of his endowment, which adds a few inches to it in my fantasies.

It’s like getting cattle ready for market.

Time to put their shirts on, and the roomful of dudes starts undressing.  Can you see me blushing through the computer?  Meanwhile, Ken Doll and Baldy are pumping themselves up for winning the side bet, and they each are confident that they can beat the other.  If Vegas was laying down odds here, I’d safely bet my mortgage on Glenn here, and I can’t wait to see how Ken Doll handles the blow to his ego!

Out in the bar, Dick Stick smacks his lips, announcing to Gaylon that he’s gonna buy Baldy!  HAHAHAHA!!!!  I fully support this idea!  What good is having money if you can’t use it to buy dates with beefcakes?!?!  It’s all in the name of fucking around with his friend, but secretly, we all know Dick Stick wants a piece of him.  Get in line, dummy… it’s forming behind me!

Dick Stick gets impatient, wanting to see the “meat” and with that, the cattle are herded into the bar and begin their grazing.

The package on the right looks mighty tasty too!

Baldy immediately gets down to work, hitting on any and every woman he sees.  At the same time, Ken Doll walks around looking like the new kid in high school searching out the friendly faces and trying to avoid getting beat up.  Baldy tells us he’s in his element here, which is 100% true considering that he’s already gotten several bids, whereas Ken Doll has none.  Then again, Ken Dolls usually just lay around and wait for the girls to flock to him.  His crash and burn continues as he finally approaches two average looking non-blondes and tells them what kind of date they wanna bid on.  Apparently, he fears these women think they’re buying boyfriends and/or husbands.  Dude, we get it.  You just wanna fuck around.  Stop being such a douche.  The non-blondes look non-impressed, and I’m loving watching this idiot fail miserably.  Baldy’s bit sheet is already filled, quickly going over $500, and he gloats to Ken Doll that one chick outbid herself by $250.  Ken Doll plays nice, but you can see he’s pissed, and I LOVE IT!

Paging Dr. Freud!  Someone has a clear case of “Package” Envy!

Off to the side, Dick Stick keeps an eye on the proceedings, biding his time before entering the fray.  Gaylon urges him on, and Dick Stick makes his move.  He approaches Baldy and asks for his pen.  Suddenly, Baldy figures out what’s going on, and the look of fear on his face is PRICELESS!!!

It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt…

This is every homophobe’s worst nightmare coming true.  Dick Stick turns him around, bends him over, and… places a bid of $800.  LOL!

… and by hurt, I mean their pride.

Immediately afterwards, Baldy is QUICK to assure the ladies around him that Dick Stick is NOT his style, but the damage has been done.  He frantically makes the rounds, desperate for a woman to outbid Dick Stick, while avoiding him at the same time.  He manages an overbid, but Dick Stick returns with his checkbook, determined to win.  Baldy freaks out, accusing The Shrew’s friend of telling Dick Stick that he’s been outbid.

Something tells me that he has tons of experience buying dates.

The humiliation continues as Dick Stick ups the bid yet again, then takes a hit off of his electronic cigarette like he just had sex.  Dammit, he was being so much more likeable this episode, and he had to go and be creepy again.

Please stop being a douche.  You were doing so well!

When biding closes, the emcee announces that Baldy’s “package” goes to Dick Stick!  In his celebration, Dick Stick starts a chant of “Take It Off!”  And eager to oblige, Baldy rips his shirt off to wild cheers from the crowd.

YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

The Shrew gets all hot and bothered, fanning herself with the menu, while Ken Doll stands on the sidelines looking pissed. Dude, the auction is already over and you lost miserably.  Deal with it!  Dick Stick goes up and hugs his shirtless hunk, and credit to Baldy, he handles the situation relatively well, despite the apparent homophobia.  Next up is Ken Doll, who was purchased by a cougar for less than half of what Dick Stick paid for Baldy.  Lesson to Ken Doll, keep a rabidly horny gay around, and you might have a chance to win.  Or you could get a personality.  Or you could be less of a player.

This is what sucking on a mouthful of Sour Grapes looks like.

True to form, Ken Doll suddenly becomes Whiny Von SpoilSport, complaining that there wasn’t a woman in the room worthy of his attention, and the whole event sucked.  Oh, except that it was for a good cause.  Nice save there, Ken Doll.

Dick Stick bends Baldy over yet again to write out the check on his back, taking his sweet time.  Then he announces that he’s giving the date to The Shrew because she’s his friend who’s most in need of a good lay.  I wish that was a joke, but Dick Stick says exactly that in his interview.  And I’m in agreement!  Let Baldy pounce on you!  The Shrew accepts the gift, and Ken Doll watches on with what appears to be jealousy on his face.  WHOA!!!!  I can’t believe he just put on his own Back Up Off My Ken Doll Face!  BRILLIANT!

What’s good for the goose, apparently…

Meanwhile, Baldy breathes a sign of relief, being spared having to go out on a gay date, but he admits to wanting to drive in Dick Stick’s Ferrari.  Um… bisexual innuendo, much?  Or am I projecting?  Eh, whatever.

Later on, Ken Doll calls The Shrew, who’s getting ready for her date with Baldy.  Ken Doll can’t believe that they’re going out on a date, because apparently The Shrew’s job is to stay single and obsessed with him so that he can properly feed his obese ego.  The Shrew admits to having margaritas and making out with Baldy a billion years ago, and I wonder, how did we not know this before?  The margaritas aren’t shocking, because we’ve already established she’s an alcoholic.

Speaking of… TAKE ANOTHER SHOT!

But the fact that The Shrew and Baldy have a little bit of history!  This date should be good, and Ken Doll is flipping out about it!  Not to be outdone, Ken Doll announces that he’s hanging out with his good friend/gorgeous model, MJ.  The Shrew reverts to jealous teenager, making fun of the hooker names of all his “friends.”  Yeah, I’m sure The Shrew is wishing she had a hooker name right about now.

Baldy stands by his car on the street to pick up The Shrew.  I guess she lives in a downtown apartment building, and he couldn’t greet her at the door.  Either way, he got the Cadillac detailed just for this occasion, and he’s ready to turn on the charm for her.  The Shrew, however, isn’t impressed with the car, comparing it to a granny car.  Yeah, if you’re grandmother was Italian and from Brooklyn.  I don’t think anyone other than Italian gangsters and rap gangstahs have Caddies nowadays.  They hit the road, and Baldy compliments her on her shoes, asking if she sleeps in them.  Um… ok.  The Shrew jokes around with him, saying she goes to bed in heels, red lipstick, and perfectly curled hair, like a porno fantasy.  Baldy is down, saying they should go out on more dates, and The Shrew laughs a little too enthusiastically.

I blame the bottle of wine she drank getting ready.

Baldy lays out the date for her, hanging at a vineyard for a while, having dinner, and relaxing in a suite.  The Shrew is sufficiently impressed, and I wonder how hilarious this whole scene would have been if Dick Stick were there in his place.  They sit down for a tasting, and they cheers.

Drink #4 for the episode.  Are y’all buzzed yet?

The flirting continues as The Shrew explains that not making eye contact during a cheers means 7 years of bad sex.  Ah, so that’s why so many people are bad in bed.  I thought it was just laziness.  When Baldy hears this, he overcompensates on the eye contact, suddenly afraid that this superstition, which probably isn’t even a real superstition, is gonna erase his game.  More wine gets poured, and they gnosh on cheese and crackers, and The Shrew makes a not so subtle joke about Baldy handling his package.

Damn, they’re totally gonna fuck!

Over at Leatherface’s house, she confides in a friend that she’s going out with a new guy to keep her options open given the shit she’s getting from everyone for raiding the nursing home to find a man.  Leatherface gives us her no-frills list of qualities for a man for herself:  kind, caring, loves animals, and physically attractive.  Although, apparently, the last one is optional, because the new guy arrives to pick her up, and he looks almost exactly like Mr. AARP.  Seriously!

Paint on a silver soul patch, and you totally have Mr. AARP’s doppelganger, am I right?!?!?!

He immediately pets one of Leatherface’s rescued strays, so he can check that one off the list, and she’s optimistic about hitting it off with this one.  Oh, another mandatory quality for Leatherface is chivalry, which he lives up to, opening her car door for her as they head out to a jazz club for their date.

Ken Doll arrives on his “date,” meeting up with MJ, who’s waiting for him at some outdoor lounge location in town.  I guess she’s got the body of a model, but she’s got a butterface.

Actually, she looks a little like Drea D’Matteo, but with a Chord Overstreet Trout-Mouth.

She stands up to hug him, and Ken Doll gets an insta-boner.  Because he hasn’t made his MO clear enough already, he tells us yet again that he’s not looking for a relationship, and he only wants no-strings-attached interactions.  Dude, hire a prostitute and STFU.  He tries to be suave by ordering two of their most special specialty drinks, and his particular brand of seduction begins The waiter arrives with a cotton candy martini, pouring the drink over actual cotton candy.  Um… GROSS!

Here’s hoping she’s not a diabetic…

Ken Doll and Trout-Mouth, however, are awestruck at the novelty of it all.  Trout-Mouth takes a sip and feigns an orgasm before passing the glass over to Ken Doll.  He promptly gives it back, telling her to feed it to him.  DOUCHE!  Like an idiot, she obliges, and he takes a sip and tries not to vomit in her lap.

Back at the vineyard, The Shrew and Baldy sit down to dinner, and the Shrew gets impatient, asking him to take his shirt off.

And…….. take another drink!

Baldy rolls his eyes, but starts to loosen his tie.  After a little levity, they start talking off their script.  The Shrew asks about the NFL and how he got there.  Baldy talks about loving the competition, and The Shrew belittles what he does, asking if kicking is what he loves to do.  That’s pretty bitchy, but then again, I made fun of him for being a punter a recap or two ago.  What was that about people living in glass houses and throwing stones?  Point is, he loves his job and chooses to focus on the exclusivity of being one of only 32 people in the world who does what he does.  Actually, it’s more like being expendable, but I like Baldy a lot right now, so I’ll cut him some slack.  Yeah, moving on.  He turns the tables on her, and she admits to just wanting to be a trophy wife and mother with a well-paid nanny.  She plays off the desperation within her to find a man to give her that, and Baldy delves into full on compliment mode, playing against type to paint himself as a sensitive, faithful, hopeless romantic.  And The Shrew… falling for it BIG TIME!

Looks like Baldy is better at flirting AND seduction.  Yet, why is Ken Doll painted as the Don Juan?  I’m confused.

They do the whole eye contact thing again, and she also stares at his lips, which is international body language code for wanting to kiss.  The flirting between them here is OFF THE CHARTS!  Baldy goes in for another cheers to ease the sexual tension, but it doesn’t really work.  I seriously hope The Shrew’s hits that!

For the mid-commercial vignette, we check in with Hot Mama at the recording studio laying down a mediocre country vocal.  Yeah, you know she’s just doing this show to boost her career, because otherwise, she’s going nowhere.  But music is her passion, so good for her.  She won’t have to worry about a career in music if she manages to land Ken Doll.

On Leatherface’s date, things start to go to hell pretty quickly as he chastises her for wanting to get Lady Gaga tickets.  He calls her a fraud and a Madonna wannabe, and Leatherface takes offense to that, saying she wouldn’t even go see Madonna.  The age difference buzzer just went off and Leatherface is sufficiently annoyed.  They arrive at the jazz club and start to order dinner.  The waiter suggests asparagus, but her date complains that the vegetable makes his pee smell.  Leatherface calls TMI, interviewing how inappropriate it is to bring up urine as a conversation topic on a first date.

EW, GROSS!  Now every time I look at my glass of white wine, I think I’m drinking urine.

Since we’re sure to never see this dude again after this episode, we’ll just call him Smelly Pee.  The food arrives, and they cheers (Leatherface makes eye contact, so her lovemaking skills are secure).  Smelly Pee brings up her birthday party where they met, and proceeds to mock the dress she was wearing.  Leatherface takes it as an affront to her fashion sense, asking how else can this date get any worse.  Cue the editors to show us.  Smelly Pee announces that he’s DTF, which apparently stands for Down To Fuck.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?  I’m calling bullshit on this whole date.  This dude can’t be for real.

Is it obvious that I was brought up from central casting?  I’m really trying hard to come across as a natural douchebag.

He halfheartedly apologizes blaming his friends for how he’s behaving.  You either love him or wanna slap him.  Too bad Leatherface doesn’t take that as an invitation, because the producers missed a golden opportunity to have her walk out on him right there.

But she is looking out for the closest exit, just in case.

Instead, Smelly Pee asks for the check and they leave, but not before he suggests sideswiping a cop car with his Porche.  Sorry, dude, the car accident date was last week.  As a result, however, Mr. AARP looks about a billion times for attractive in comparison.

Meanwhile, the Seduction of The Shrew continues as Baldy takes her up to the hotel suite he’s gotten for them.

Um… did they convert a warehouse to make it look like a hotel room?  Or is Baldy just cheap?  Either way… not impressive.

He pops a bottle of champagne and they cheers again for good sexual measure.

CHEERS, GASMII!

He asks her to dance, but with no music, she just laughs like she did at Mr. AARP back in at the spa.  Uh oh… I think we’ve hit a road block, especially when Baldy gets up and starts swaying to the beat of his own music without any sort of discernable rhythm.  But it’s mildly endearing, but mostly just corny.  He gives up on that particular tactic, resorting to the footrub instead.  This move, however, gets The Shrew’s attention as she audibly moans.  She remarks on how big Baldy’s boner is hands are, and he brings up the old saying.  Yeah, we know.  Big gloves.  Everything is going according to plan until he asks for a massage in return.

Oh wait… you’re not Ken Doll!  It’s sweet that you wanna fuck me, but it’s not gonna happen.. SORRY!

She turns him down, and his attempt at sexy face falls flat.  My guess is she suddenly remembered Ken Doll, and needs to shut this shit down ASAP.  She dispels his plan for them to spend the night, and then she goes to high five him.  Awwww, poor Baldy.

Ken Doll just cock blocked him from all the way across town.

Hope those blue balls don’t cause too much discomfort on the drive home.  He asks for at least a friendly kiss good night, and she won’t even throw him that little bone, saying she should have worn red lipstick because red means stop.  Baldy, one to never give up, counters by pointing out his green eyes, and green means go.  The Shrew laughs and pushes him away, interviewing that she knows his moves and there’s no way in hell she’s letting him move out of the friend zone.  Too bad Baldy doesn’t compare this situation to her “friendship” with Ken Doll.

Speaking of Ken Doll and all of his very dear friends, he’s well into his own seduction of Trout-Mouth.  They exchange tepid compliments, and he asks if she’s dating anyone, presumably to test the waters for potential sex later on.  She announces that she’s single and he can’t believe it.  She returns the question, and when he agrees to being single, she asks why.  At this point, the train horribly derails.

You want what… Marriage?  Commitment? I think I’m gonna be sick…

He explains that dating implies a relationship, and a relationship implies engagement, and engagement implies marriage, and he has no interest in getting married yet.  Just the suggestion of getting married gets him queasy, as evidence by his audible clearing of the throat.  He looks like he’s about to throw up in her lap again as she tells him that she wants to get married and she’s ready to commit.  Another cough as he starts looking around for the quickest exit possible.  She asks if he wants to go grab a drink somewhere else, and he pulls the old checking the watch move and saying that it’s getting pretty late.

Wow, look at the time!  I’ve got an early meeting.  I should get going.

They part ways, and Ken Doll can’t get out of there fast enough.  If this were a Looney Tunes cartoon, he’d be the roadrunner.  What a prick!  Personally, I’m surprised he didn’t immediately get on the phone to find a last minute bootie call.

Phew, that was close! Got away before she could bring up the subject of kids.

After the final commercial, The Shrew and Ken Doll get home, change into their jammies, and she calls him up to assure him that she did NOT kiss or have sex with Baldy.  Ken Doll, meanwhile, gets on his computer to beat off to some good internet porn and go to bed.  In her drunken stupor, she admits that Baldy is hot, but he’s not her type.  HINT HINT!  Ken Doll is sufficiently relieved, and they start discussing Trout-Mouth’s real name.  She asks him what color Trout-Mouth’s eyes are, and he can’t say for sure.  Then she asks if he knows the color of her eyes, to which he immediately responds green.  The Shrew smiles big, because as we all know, this means that he loves her and they’re gonna have a fairy tale wedding and have lots of babies and live happily ever after.  Damn, this girl is ridiculous, and just when I was starting to root for her.  She asks if he brought Trout-Mouth home, and he denies it, asking if she’s jealous or something.  DING DING DING!!!  Get the man a prize!  He realizes that she wishes she was having a good time with him, and comments that her voice sounds sexy.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!  HE’S TRYING TO INITIATE PHONE SEX WITH HER!!!!!!  HAHAHAHA!!!!

The Shrew laughs hysterically at the suggestion, but you know her netherparts just got moist.  He asks if she’s in bed, and she yawns her response.  Because phone sex doesn’t fall under the heading of acceptable Christian southern behavior.  She announces that she’s going to bed, and Ken Doll tries one last time by saying good night in his own best sexy voice.  The Shrew melts a little, but calls him stupid and shuts him down yet again.  They hang up, and Ken Doll resorts to XTube and KY jelly.

Next week, Leatherface and The Shrew conform to Texas stereotypes by visiting a gun range, some old lady subscribes to Ken Doll’s free-loving lifestyle by admitting to dating four different geriatrics, Leatherface goes Facebook-official with Mr. AARP, Dick Stick attacks The Shrew over something, and Hot Mama disses Ken Doll to run away with Baldy.  DRAMA!!!!

So there you have it folks!  I thought this week’s installment was pretty damn hilarious and emotionally satisfying.  How fantastic was watching Ken Doll get shut down at the auction AND on his date with Trout-Mouth?!?!?!  How disappointed are you in The Shrew for not bumping uglies with Baldy?  How fake was Leatherface’s date with Smelly Pee?  And how NOT disappointed were you to see so little of Dick Stick and Hot Mama this week?  Have a great holiday weekend, y’all, and meet me back here next week for some more Texas hijinx!