Most Eligible Dallas Recap: Ghetto Crack

Reality:  The daily monotony of going to work at a job you hate so that you can make enough money to put gas in the car, food on the table, keep the lights on and the interwebs running into the house.

Reality TV:  The daily monotony of liquid lunches, dinner parties, dates, partying, indiscriminate sex, gossip, cat fights, text wars, dining room table flipping confrontations, and a cameraman at one’s disposal for the purpose of justifying one’s irrational and retarded behavior.

Monotony is an appropriate word to use here, I think, because I get the feeling that the people who conceptualized this show envisioned more excitement.  We saw glimmers of it early on, but the past two/three episodes haven’t lived up to the promise.  The reason why the RH franchise has been so successful is because those bitches are talking behind each other’s backs at every possible opportunity, and backing their talk up with actual drama.  Judgmental scowls and passive aggressive zingers can only get you so far.  It’s like foreplay… eventually, you’ve had enough and you just wanna get busy.

This week’s episode picks up in the middle of Dick Stick’s (Drew) charity gala, where The Shrew (Courtney) has ignored the guest of hour and stolen the attention away from him.  We pick things up mid-confrontation, where Dick Stick is accusing her of having no interest in being his friend.

He said it, not me.  Actually… yeah, I kinda already said it too.

Ultimately, the fight ends up being an explosion of insecurity on Dick Stick’s part.  Quick, someone call the WAH-mbulance.  He’s acting like Stuart Smalley in the midst of a shame spiral.    In response, The Shrew gives one back-handed compliment after another, calling him a hysterical, real person who’s confrontational, like her.  Worst compliment ever.  Leatherface (Tara) tries to step in and referee the situation, but Dick Stick tells her to mind her own fucking business.

A & B conversation… C your way out, Leaterface.

Finally, Dick Stick tells The Shrew that he feels like she’s intentionally shut him out of her life.  Then he walks away, and The Shrew takes another drink of wine.  Worst confrontation ever.

The Shrew Drinking Game:  Take a shot!

Ken Doll (Matt) is roaming around the ballroom looking like a scared toddler in a department store who can’t find his mommy.  Ironically, he’s looking for his date, Hot Mama (Neill), who is off flirting it up with Baldy McSixPack (Glenn).  Can you really blame her?  Baldy is 1. Hotter, 2. More ripped, 3. More charasmatic, 4. Less douchey than Ken Doll.  Finally, Ken Doll tracks down Hot Mama and transforms from scared toddler to grunting caveman as he essentially clubs her over her head and drags her out of the party.  In the process, he knocks into a random woman, making her spill her drink on herself.

Sorry, lady.  I was so distracted by my date hitting on another guy, I didn’t see you standing there.

He sneers at her like she bumped into him, and he doesn’t even apologize!  FUCK STAIN!  On their way out of the party, he reprimands her for stepping out when she’s supposed to be HIS date, and Hot Mama is justifiably confused.

The gala winds down, and people start leaving.  Dick Stick calls the event a success, despite The Shrew’s mugging for attention.  Meanwhile, The Shrew doesn’t understand why Dick Stick attacked her.  Maybe it’s because you made the night about you and your custom dress and your vintage jewelry instead of about Dick Stick’s charity work.  And considering that you were his GUEST, a little deference would have been nice.  But The Shrew remains clueless, and Dick Stick remains bitter.  At least Cross-Eyed Twinkie Ex is still supportive, telling him he did a great job.

I know what’ll make you feel better.  Take me shopping.

Ken Doll and Hot Mama climb into his car, and he pulls out to take her home.  To the camera, Hot Mama points out Ken Doll’s hypocrisy, getting mad at her for talking to ONE GUY when he’s constantly going out with “posses” of women.  A-FUCKING-MEN!  It’s called jealousy, Hot Mama.  In the car, they talk it through.  Ken Doll was mad because he couldn’t “find her.”  Translation: You’re his toy, and no one else can play with you.  Hot Mama retorts that she didn’t intend to make it appear that she was hanging out with other guys, calling this a group outing instead of a “date.”  Translation:  She doesn’t appreciate being treated like arm candy or one of his Stepford Blondes.  He apologizes for getting frustrated, and Hot Mama forgives him.  They pull up to her… apartment building?  It looks like he’s dropping her off at the back door of a college dorm.  Or the projects.

Ken Doll walks her to the door while he interviews that her behavior hurt because he has real feelings for Hot Mama.  Um… a guy who has real feelings for a woman doesn’t call up his harem on a nightly basis to see who’s up for giving him a blow job in exchange for a free steak dinner.  Ken Doll walks Hot Mama to the door, and they share one hell of a good night kiss.

First sign of bad parenting:  Rewarding bad behavior

Like, much more than he deserves after treating her like a possession.  Ken Doll must bathe in Axe body spray, because I don’t understand why every fucking woman is infatuated with him even though he has the personality of a … Ken Doll.  UGH!

The next day, The Shrew invites Dick Stick to lunch to clear the air.  I’m assuming it’s lunchtime because she orders a glass of wine.

The Shrew Drinking Game:  Take another shot!

Dick Stick arrives and they sit in awkward silence until The Shrew finally brings up the event.  Immediately, Dick Stick swoops in to accuse her of only being interesting in certain people at the event.  She tries to deflect, saying she was on the prowl for the straight men at the party, but when Dick Stick doesn’t budge, she points out that he was all over the place at the event.  Dick Stick explains that she was more interested in Gaylon than in him being honored, and how important the night was to him.  The Shrew defends herself by saying that she didn’t know that… and she APOLOGIZES for not being supportive enough!

If you look up, you’ll see pigs flying.

WOW!  I didn’t think she even knew the words “I’m sorry.”  Instead of accepting the apology right away, Dick Stick turns the screws, saying her behavior makes him feel like garbage, and The Shrew’s delusions of being a good friend are shattered.  They come to an understanding, and they’re good.  Then, in a blatantly edited voiceover, Dick Stick lets us know that he’s pleased with her efforts to get to know him, but he still doesn’t trust her completely.

5 episodes in, and we finally get to see Leatherface at work.  She’s the VP of sales for the family’s electronics business, and she’s meeting with her brother about getting iPod cases to Neiman’s.

Naturally, she has her office in a pink building.  Other tenants:  Mary Kay Cosmetics, Pepto Bismol, and the Susan G. Komen Foundation

Her job is high pressure, especially when her brother informs her that “the government” isn’t giving their factories power.  We learn that their factories are in China, and suddenly, her Made in the USA mantra from a few episodes ago goes up in smoke.  Basically, her family’s wealth was built on fleecing the American public by grossly overcharging for cheap imported goods.

Which one of these two is gonna call up China and ask for the lights to be turned back on?

But before anyone can really focus on that, the meeting ends, and Dick Stick enters with a stupid looking Ed Hardy-esque coat with guns all over it.  He gives it to Leatherface, because she’s interested in his hand-me-downs?  WTF is that all about?  It’s about 12 sizes too big for her, and she’s only going to throw it out.

You’re such a great friend, I’m gonna give you this ugly jacket I don’t need anymore because I’m too lazy to press a budden and have someone else throw it out for me.

Fucking retarded.  Let’s move on.  She asks if he wants to go on a mission, and he automatically assumes she wants to stalk Mr. AARP to find out if he’s cheating on her.  I guess they did this before?  It might explain the demise of at least one of her past engagements.  Or all of them.  She acts all shocked, saying that’s not even her personality.  Not yet, at least.  She actually wants him to go steal a dog with her.  Hey, at least she’s using correct terminology here.  Rescuing and stealing are two completely different things.  She lays out the sob story about this neglected dog that is still being neglected, and the owner has squandered the 2^nd chance Leatherface gave a year ago, and now they need to go save it.  She tells us about her very first rescue at the age of 3, coming out of church.  Basically, she saw a dog running by, and she chased after it, caught it, and brought it home.

If that dog had had rabies, I suspect we’d be calling her Cruella Deville right about now.

And that dog became the family pet for 18 years.  Here’s hoping the dog was a stray.  Leatherface asks if Dick Stick is ready for their covert operation, which isn’t so much “covert” as staged, seeing as how a camera crew is going to be following them and recording their crime.

Later on, The Shrew sits on a curbside bench and calls up Ken Doll to inform him that she’s waiting for her date to pick her up.  Ken Doll can’t believe that she’s actually going out on a real date, and then we find out that it’s a blind date and the girl who’s setting them up will be there to diffuse the awkwardness.

That’s what this dude is gonna say when he sees what she decided to wear.

Before Ken Doll can protest further, The Shrew rushes him off the phone.  I guess the purpose of that phone call was to plant a seed of jealousy?  Considering how Ken Doll reacted to her date with Baldy McSixPack, it’s a shrewd manipulative stunt on The Shrew’s part.  Then she interviews that she hasn’t had a real date in… she can’t even remember how long.

I’ve been in love with Ken Doll for 5 years, and I haven’t dated anyone since meeting him, and it’s 2011 now, so that would mean….

Big shock there, because she’s probably been waiting for Ken Doll to finally ask her out for a majority of her adult life.  Then she breaks down why she thinks dating is uncomfortable: not knowing whether to kiss, go in for a side hug or a high 5; is he picking her up or are they meeting up; does he think she’s gonna put out, because that’s DEFINITELY not happening.  Her date finally shows up, and my jaw hits the floor.  Despite the clear fauxhawk and the sunglasses, this dude is HOT, and he’s got a foreign accent to boot.  Hell, if The Shrew won’t sleep with him, I will!  He calls her stunning, which a clear exaggeration, considering she’s wearing hideous shorts, a side braid and a fedora.  Unless he likes his women to appear unkempt.  He plays the part of gentleman and opens the car door for her, and they head off on their trolley date.

I’m only going out with you to make Ken Doll jealous.  Don’t get any ideas.

In the car, they sit in awkward silence until The Shrew finally asks what part of South Africa he’s from.  Ah, the accent mystery is solved.  We learn he’s from South Africa of all places (from here on out, we’ll call him Invictus), and he made his way to Texas because a few of his friends went to college there at SMU, and visited, falling in love with Texas women.

Meanwhile, Dick Stick and Leatherface drive to the ghetto on their dog rescue mission, and Dick Stick shits his pants, wondering what he’s gotten himself into.  Leatherface announces that they’ll do a drive-by as she reaches for pink bedazzled handgun.  KIDDING!  She just wants to see if the big bad dog neglecter is home.  They pass the projects, bodegas, and a homeless dude on a bike with all his possessions bungie-corded to the rear wheel.

Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

The Shrew and Invictus arrive at the trolley for date, lugging a case of beer with them.  Because no outing would be complete without the alcohol.  They talk about the allure of their respective accents, and heavens to betsy, they’re flirting!

Can we possibly see him playing rugby at some point?  Please, Bravo!  I watch all of your dumb shows.  You can do me this one solid, right?

The Shrew interviews her excitement over this date, and maybe the 45,000,000^th time is a charm. Poor Shrew… if you could only realize that Ken Doll will never be your Prince Charming.  Then, her girlfriends show up, and I bet she’s hating herself right now for dragging them along, now that she’s got high hopes for Invictus.  She calls them the Supreme Court of Dating.

Knowing the Shrew, it’s more like the Inquisition.

Her reasoning doesn’t make any kind of sense, seeing as how her friend set them up.  Doesn’t that automatically mean he’s passed the friend test?  The Shrew thinks she’s stumbled on a new way of dating wherein you drag friends along on a first date and drink enough alcohol to overcome the awkwardness and drown out that voice in your brain that tells you the guy isn’t Ken Doll, so he must be a serial killer.  Invictus suddenly feels out of his element, having never been on a group date before.  He should ring up Ken Doll for some advice.  Then again, that seems to indicate that he’s not a crotch hound.

In case you missed it… The Shrew Drinking Game #3:  Take another shot!

The trolley departs, with only the four of them in it.  Thank you, Bravo, for creating yet another controlled environment for these people to live their “reality.”  They joke around with the Shrew for her to give them a tour.  Immediately, she thinks she has to point out all the bars she’s gotten drunk and made a fool out of herself at when Ken Doll hits on random blondes instead of her.  Invictus jokes with her, saying these are the things he needs to know, and The Shrew points out a restaurant she was broken up at.  She immediately says she’s kidding, but I don’t really think she was.  There’s a split second of awkwardness before we cut away.

Over in the Ghetto, Leatherface and Dick Stick arrive at their destination to find a car in the driveway.  UH OH!  I hope whoever answers the door pulls a shotgun on their asses, Dazed and Confused style!  Either way, the viability of the rescue is suddenly in jeopardy.  Dick Stick asks if she brought her mace, and Leatherface goes to knock on the door completely defenseless, as if what they’re doing is perfectly normal and respectable.

I guess the kitteh doesn’t need saving, huh?  What’s the animal equivalent of racism?  Petism?  Speciesism? Carnivorism?

The camera cuts to a “No Trespassing” sign on the screen door to heighten the drama.  When no one answers the door, either because the woman thinks they are Mormon missionaries or because Bravo paid her to conveniently not be home or press charges, they walk around back to begin their dog rescue, making sure to point out the deplorable conditions along the way.  Leatherface tries to climb the fence, but she fails, probably because she doesn’t wanna rip her $1K jeans.

The effort would be more impressive had there been barbed wire.

Dick Stick points out the inherent danger with breaking and entering… namely, people in Texas have firearms in their houses, and it’s perfectly legal to shoot home invaders.  Oh, and the fact that what they’re doing is a CRIME!

Translation: Get the Fuck Out or I’ll Shoot Your Stupid Ass!

The blind date moves from the trolley to a bar, where the Shrew slums it by ordering a Miller Lite.  Hey, at least she’s a cheap date.

The Shrew Drinking Game: 4th Shot Time!

They head out back to where the required mechanical bull is situated.  Because it’s state law in Texas that every establishment serving alcohol also have a mechanical bull.  The Shrew is hesitant to play along.  Not because she’s too drunk to climb on or because she could get hurt.  She doesn’t wanna do it because she doesn’t want to mess up the stupid side braid.  Girl, you barely made an effort to look good on this date.  Don’t start frontin’ now.  Her two friends get on first, and The Shrew thinks it’s hilarious, completely missing the lesbian porno vibe going on here.  Invictus stands by quietly, making no effort to hide his boner.  When the girls have been sufficiently “bucked,” Invictus convinces the Shrew to take a turn.  He says they’ll get on and “get off.”  And he won’t hurt her.  And once she’s committed, she jumps right up on the bull like a pro.  Invictus climbs on behind her, and they ride… the bull.

Hey, is that Ken Doll over there?

After a few somewhat painful bucks, The Shrew has had enough and climbs off.  Ever the gentleman, Invictus thanks her for making his day. Seriously, if there were any more innuendo here, this wouldn’t be allowed to air on basic cable.

Operation Beaver Snatch continues, and I’m immediately confused.  Beaver is a euphemism for pussy, which is a euphemism for kittehs and we already know that Leatherface is only interested in the canines.  Why not Operation Puppy Love or Operation Spot Removal?  Dick Stick takes the pair of bolt cutters out of Leatherface’s trunk and they invade the yard.  Hiding in a rickety shed that reeks of urine and with rotting garbage strewn all over the place is the dog they’re trying to rescue.

When in the ghetto, do what the crack heads do…

Dick Stick stands around with his ass crack showing, trying to look the part, I guess, while Leatherface crouches down and coaxes the abused dog out from his shelter.  Wanna how I know this was all staged for the camera?  Because the dog just whines and allows itself to be collared.  An abused, neglected dog like that would be aggressive and protective of its home.  Also, the shiny coat and the absence of any wounds or marks that would indicate abuse.  They put the dog in the car and high five the success of Operation Manufactured Drama.

Other than the swollen testicles, I dare you to find any proof that this dog is being abused.

Meanwhile, the trolley date winds down, and The Shrew raves about it.  And why wouldn’t she!  She got sufficiently drunk in the middle of the day, she flirted with a certified hunk, and she got bucked.  She rewards him with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

If I were her, I’d be inviting him up to my place for some bronco bucking practice.

Invictus opens the door to her apartment building for her, promising to call her and set up a second date.  Or a real first date that doesn’t include two cock blockers.

The next day, Leatherface and the Shrew watch Baldy McSixPack and Ken Doll doing leg lift/chin ups on a jungle gym out in some kind of public park or jogging trail.  Baldy puts them in at a rate of 3 to 1 with regards to Ken Doll, and you gotta figure his inferiority complex is raging right now.

You try pressing up your entire body weight AND a two ton ego.

Meanwhile, Leatherface goes on a diatribe about her aversion to working out.  Decked out in athletic wear, they stroll along the path, chatting.  A girl jogs by, and Baldy jokingly reverses direction to jog behind her for a bit.  Ken Doll laughs and playfully lassoes him in.  Leatherface asks The Shrew about her date with Invictus, and she relays how well it went and that they kissed, perfectly willing to let her friends’ imaginations run wild.  Ken Doll immediately says how he doesn’t wanna hear about The Shrew kissing someone, and Baldy and Leatherface are quick to tease him over what appears to be jealousy.

What do you mean you kissed this dude?  You’re supposed to be in love with MEEEEEEE!!!!!

Ken Doll tries to play it off like he doesn’t care, which annoys The Shrew because she clearly wants him to care.  Leatherface states the obvious, saying you have to be dumb to think there’s nothing going on between Ken Doll and The Shrew.  Actually, there really is nothing going on, but the back and forth between betrays the innocence of it all.

The Shrew changes the subject, and Baldy lets them know that his ex is coming into town.  This is the woman he dated for 4 years, and he romantically describes meeting her at the Union Street Fair where they caught eyes out of a huge crowd and started seeing each other.  Leatherface asks why they broke up, and his vague response is that he wasn’t ready.  Ah, the C-word rears its ugly head, even if it goes unspoken.  Baldy tells us it was because of the difficulty posed by long distance relationships, and sticking with it became too hard.  The Shrew thinks that ex’s are ex’s for a reason, and it’s not a good idea for them to see each other, but Leatherface plays the part of hopeless romantic, teasing him about being in love.  Baldy gets defensive and Ken Doll backs him up.  Apparently, being in love is a bad thing.

Suddenly, Baldy is pulling up in the Caddy to pick up his Ex from the airport.  He walks into the terminal with two long stem roses, and he greets her at the baggage claim like she’s a lover and not an ex, with a hug that lifts her off the ground and a kiss with tons of pent up passion.

This is how ex-lovers greet each other in Dallas, if you didn’t know.

They walk out of the terminal holding hands and swinging arms.  On the drive home, they call each other “babe” and “sweetheart,” and he asks how her parents are doing.  He shaved especially for her arrival, and she caresses his face, squealing that she loves him clean shaven.

Definition of LUCKY:  Breaking up with Baldy McSixPack and still being able to hit it whenever she wants.  We’ll call her Lucky Ex.

This is either gonna be an extended booty call, or a romance has already been rekindling with them, and we just haven’t heard anything about it yet.  They get to his house, and he offers her a drink of Kool-Aid.  He interviews it took them a long time to get beyond hurting each other, and he thinks they’re in a really good place now.  Hopefully, they’ll be able to pick up where they left off, but we don’t know exactly what that was.

What we do know, is that they’re gonna have lots of sex.

Dick Stick calls Gaylon from his car to let him know that he’s meeting up with Twinkie Ex for dinner.  Gaylon keys in on the issue at hand, asking if it’s a friendly or romantic dinner.  Dick Stick is quick to say friendly, but he’s also quick to admit to the camera that he still has feelings for Twinkie Ex.  He wants to settle down and have cross-eyed babies with him.

If that’s what you’re O-Face looks like, it’s no wonder you’re not dating anymore.

In the car, Twinkie talks about his psychic premonition that he’s going to win the lottery some day.  (Pssst, Twinkie… getting with Dick Stick is the same thing as winning the lottery because he’s got oodles of cash that he’s willing to drop on your ass!)  They joke around about him winning the lottery, and it’s cute.  Dick Stick wants to tell Twinkie Ex how he feels but not until the time is right.  Hmmmmm… is that time about to happen?  At least it’ll be something actually interesting to watch.

They sit down to dinner, and after a lame alcoholic joke, Twinkie Ex announces that he’s been accepted into design school and he’ll be moving to NY.  Dick Stick bravely slaps on a smile, but you know he’s dying inside.  He interviews his frustration over things getting in the way of their relationship, and that he doesn’t want him to leave.  Twinkie Ex is clearly very excited, and Dick Stick does a remarkable job feigning excitement.

No really, I’m totally excited for you.  Sure, I’ll give you a ride to the airport.

Awwww, I kinda feel bad for him.  After dinner, Dick Stick gets home, lights a cigarette and calls Gaylon to share the news.  Gaylon listens to Dick Stick bemoan his fate, and he asks if he told Twinkie Ex how he feels.  Sadly, there was no profession of love or grand romantic gesture.  Hopefully, that’ll come in a later episode.  I’m just a boy, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me.

Later on, Leatherface and Mr. AARP are driving, and discussing the sudden disappearance of the soul patch.  Thank god!  Now I can take Mr. AARP a little bit more seriously.  And he does look just a smidge better without it, so that’s a plus.

He traded in the douchey looking silver soul patch for the douchey looking blazer.

They arrive at Billy Bob’s, which apparently is a honky tonk bar.  I predict a mechanical bull, denim, gingham, fiddles and line dancing.  Mr. AARP keeps her from getting out of the car so he can do his gentlemanly duties and help her out.  It’s amazing how far a little chivalry can go.  I’m starting to almost support this relationship.  Inside, he introduces Leatherface around, and she’s quick to dispel the misconception that she’s his wife.  HAHAHAHA!!!!  Considering he’s been married 4 times, it’s not much of a stretch for people to make that assumption.

Do you see a ring on my finger, bitch?!?!

Meanwhile, Baldy McSixPack takes his own Ex to a chocolatier for a candy making lesson?  Um, that’s romantic I guess.  It’s certainly different.  Dude has a knack for dating, though.  I’ll give him that.  His tactic was to combine her two loves, chocolate and himself.  Cut to them learning how to make truffles, and the handling balls jokes just write themselves.

What better way to get her in the mood than to teach her how to fondle scrotums correctly.

Back in Dallas, Ken Doll applies product on what’s left of his hair (male pattern baldness confirmed), and even he knows it!  HAHAHAHA!!!  I’m surprised he hasn’t become a client of the Hair Club for Men yet.  He’s certainly vain enough.

Here’s proof, because I guarantee he’s gotten hair plugs since this was taped.

On the phone with Hot Mama, he’s anxious to make up for his Neanderthal behavior from the gala by taking her to a private tasting for his friend’s new restaurant.  Only he keeps it a secret.  Hot Mama interviews her appreciation for the effort, because he certainly has some ground to make up with her.  And she likes to watch him twist in the wind.  Careful, girl.  You play with fire, you get burned.

Back at the honky tonk, The Shrew arrives and Leatherface is anxious to get her opinion.  This is the third time they’ve met that we know of, and The Shrew has already expressed her concerns.  Why Leatherface thinks this time will be any different is beyond me.  The Shrew, however, is excited about the soul patch being gone, so things are looking good for Leatherface.  Line dancing, CHECK!  Denim and gingham, CHECK and CHECK!

Stereotypes exist for a reason.

Not sure about the fiddles, though.  They play around in the gift shop and climb up on the bull statue for a commemorative photo.  This is cheesy as all hell, but it’s relatively cute.  And relatively normal.  And relatively boring.

What is never boring – The Shrew Drinking Game, Part 5: Drink up, if you’re still conscious

At the candy shop, Ex says she likes to make big balls, and Baldy goes all Michael Scott with a slightly inappropriate “That’s What She Said.”  While they play around with chocolate all over their hands and faces, Baldy interviews how comfortable he feels around her and how he’s really a hopeless romantic at heart.

His dirty fingers aren’t the only things she’ll be sucking tonight.

Despite his overinflated macho ego, I really believe he’s just a sweetheart.  Baldy is starting to look more and more like an actual “Most Eligible.”  And the line for him starts behind LrhFlute!  Even the Chocolatier lady mentions how cute the two of them are together.

Ken Doll’s friend welcomes him to his new, and completely deserted restaurant as Hot Mama arrives.  Apparently, he couldn’t be bothered to pick her up first?  Is that his attempt to appear progressive and pro-feminist?  Dumbass.  Also, I think he paid his friend a shitload of money to do this for him, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s done this before to coerce other blondes into sleeping with him.

It’s also one way to keep people from seeing the giant bald spot.

However, he keeps telling us that Hot Mama is different, and he wants to take things further with her.  While she appreciates the effort, she’s smart enough to not be fooled by it either.  GO HOT MAMA!  I hope you tag him out trying to slide into home base later tonight!  The waiter brings out their first course, which is a burger.  Wow, LAME!!!

And that’s not a tasting portion either.  I call bullshit on this whole scenario.

Leatherface, Mr. AARP and The Shrew sit down to dinner at the honky tonk, which has rabbit and rattlesnake sausage and kangaroo nachos.  Wow, that sounds gross; not to mention traumatic seeing the cast Looney Tunes and Winnie the Pooh on the menu.

The Shrew Drinking Game:  False Alarm!

While feasting on strange meats, The Shrew tells us that she’s gonna use this opportunity to get the dirt on Mr. AARP.  For Leatherface’s sake, of course.  Personally, I think she doesn’t want to have to be paired with his liver spotted older brother in their eventual wedding party.  Doing her best Kyra Sedgwick impression, she asks what his vices are.  His response: cussing and a too long memory.  Leatherface starts working on making him look good by pointing out that she’s never heard him curse and she’s forgets things too quickly.  Girl, you’ve been dating him for a week, and you’re already pre-Alzheimers?  What’s next, early bird specials and Metamucil shakes?  The Shrew switches gears, asking what things turn him on.  To get him going, she lists her own aphrodisiacs:  pepperjack cheese, garlic, red bell peppers, a good bargain, hair spray, vanilla scented body lotion, guys who wear hats, a pair of broken in high-heels that you don’t have to put insoles in.  LOVE THIS GIRL’S LISTS!

Baldy and Ex are back at his house, up on the roof deck, talking about how being apart ruined their relationship.  It’s so clear they want to be back together, and I wanna shake this girl and yell at her to fucking MOVE!!!  What could be so important in California that she can’t just move to wherever he is?!?!?!

Why can’t he look at me like that?  Oh right, I’m not a big-boobed blonde with the requisite vagina.

They cautiously talk about the future, and she brings up how it was love at first sight when they met.  He says she’s full of shit, but he just finished telling the gang earlier about it, so you know he’s the one who’s full of shit.  He looks so happy, though, that it’s hard to make fun of him.

Over their bloody burgers, Ken Doll asks about Hot Mama’s childhood, struggling to make an effort to get to know her.  For him, it’s a challenge.

Bad lighting or did Hot Mama start talking about commitment again?

With all the other blondes, he just has to make creepy innuendos and flash his wallet to get them into bed.  Hot Mama talks about shooting a hog when she was a kid, because this is Texas where hunting is a rite of passage.  She had a pink room with the hog’s head mounted on her wall.

She hunts pigs, Ken Doll.  Be afraid, be very afraid!

And when she was a teenager, she hid her money, her diary and her condoms in there.  Ok, it was only her money, but the other two are just an educated guess.  Ken Doll lies, suddenly impressed with what he’s finding out about her.  Let’s be real here.  All he cares about his that she’s hot.  I’m not buying his smitten act.

At the honky tonk, we finally learn what turns Mr. AARP on, as he leans over and kisses Leatherface.

Over-bleached hair, sun damaged skin, and an the faint aroma of wet dog.

Then he makes a big mistake by bringing up his children.  His intention was to paint himself as a desirable family man, but all The Shrew heard was opportunity.  She asks if he wants more children, and tension suddenly fills the air.  Mr. AARP pauses to consider the question, and The Shrew goes all Capt. Obvious by pointing it out.

Can’t we just have a house full of stray dogs instead?  They’re less annoying.

He tries to backtrack and explain that he’d welcome more children if that’s God’s plan, but the damage is done.  He clearly has no interesting changing dirty diapers anymore or trying to chase down a toddler using a walker.

I had no idea that aman with 4 ex-wives and 3 grown children might not want more kids!

The disappointment is all over Leatherface’s face, and when he excuses himself from the table, the Judgmental Express pulls into the station. The Shrew is all like “I told you so!” and they discuss this new revelation in detail.  Goodbye, Mr. AARP!

On the rooftop, Baldy and Lucky Ex talk about seeing each other again in California, and Baldy reveals that he’s thought about marriage and how he’d propose to her where they first met.  AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!  They kiss and call each other best friends.  Baldy interviews that the idea of marriage scares him, but he knows he could lose her if he keeps waiting.

Maybe he’s scared she’ll stop him from wearing douchey hats.  He looks so much better without them.

In addition to Dick Stick’s profession of love for Twinkie Ex, I’m really hope we see a marriage proposal later on this season.  I doubt either will happen, though.

And at the deserted restaurant, Ken Doll and Hot Mama finish off their bottle of wine while the conversation turns to her kid.  Ken Doll would love the chance to meet him, and Hot Mama acknowledges how her kid has changed things for her where dating is concerned.  Taking him into consideration, it eliminates a lot of guys, like Ken Doll almost got eliminated.  Kudos to Ken Doll for his 11^th hour redemption here.

In the mid-commercial vignette, we see Ken Doll working out with Baldy at the gym.  Neither is shirtless, and Matt can’t keep up with Baldy, which should surprise no one.  Moving on.

The next day, Hot Mama and Major are visiting the grandparents, who appear to have a palatial home.  Which begs the question, why is she living in a dumpy apartment?

Looks like someone needs to get over her pride and move back in with mom and dad.

They talk about motherhood, and I’m bored.  Then she talks about her date with Ken Doll, and her mother endorses the idea of introducing him to Major.  The next step is about to be taken, my friends.  Here’s hoping Major hates Ken Doll!

And finally, The Shrew shows up at Ken Doll’s house, letting herself in with a spare key that only she and his mother have.  The depths to which she’s insinuated herself in Ken Doll’s life are both pathetic and frightening.  I half expect her to put up a pot of boiling water to put a rabbit into.  She lights candles all over the place, and when Ken Doll gets home, they play house.  Ya know, like when you were in kindergarten, and one kid was the mommy and one was the daddy and you play-acted being adults and married.  FUCKING WEIRD!

The Shrew must  think that if she does this enough, Ken Doll will eventually forget that they’re not really married.

Suddenly, Ken Doll clues in a little, asking if The Shrew is trying to be romantic, and she denies it, even though we all know she was just about to break out the rose petals and the Barry White CD.  She asks about his weekend plans and if they include Hot Mama.  Ken Doll responds that he’ll probably see her, and The Shrew warns him of how much time he spends with her because time equates to expectations, especially to her since she has a child.  As much as I hate to say this, The Shrew is right.  Her motives are completely selfish, but that doesn’t make her point any less true.  Dammit, I hate it when the crazies have their brief moments of lucidity.  Not liking what he’s hearing, Ken Doll talks down to her, asking if she’s jealous and if she’s missing her “Matty Time.”  The Shrew blows it off because HELLO!  She just let herself into your house and waited for you to come home to hang out.  Clearly, if she needs Matty Time, she can just go get it.

She asks Ken Doll what they talk about, and he’s hard pressed to actually share details, either because he doesn’t want to or because he was so busy staring at Hot Mama’s boobs to remember anything she actually said.  The Shrew clarifies the question, if it’s pillow talk, or cutesy talk, or what.  Ken Doll doesn’t know what pillow talk is, probably because the only thing he says after sex is, “Thanks, I’ll call ya.”  He turns the tables on The Shrew, asking what kind of pillow talk she has, and she admits that Bill Clinton was president the last time she had pillow talk.  Suddenly, the conversation reverts to the kiss she shared with Invictus.  She can’t adequately describe it, so she decides to SHOW him how they kissed.

Here’s your chance!  Make it count!

And she proceeds to give him a peck on the lips.  She got the peck part right, but the kiss was nowhere near the lip region.  I’ve got the proof right here for ya.

Kiss on the CHEEK!

Ken Doll teases that the kiss was really good, and The Shrew gets all flustered.  Meanwhile, they’re both blushing hardcore, and the sexual tension in the room just shot up about 40 notches.

Is that a chubby I spy?  Are you in love with me yet?

Now, now, let’s not jump to any conclusions.  I’m only leading you on because I get off on the attention.

The only hope for these two is that they drink enough wine to forget their inhibitions and fuck.  Otherwise this game is gonna get pretty cruel pretty quickly.

And that’s it, folks.  Next week, Ken Doll meets Major, Baldy’s mom endorses a reconciliation with his Ex, and The Shrew and Dick Stick have another confrontation.  I hope it’s more interesting than this last one, because something really needs to happen on this show.  It’s all I can do to stay awake long enough to get this recap done.