Before we dive into the full recap, I want to give a shout out to my loyal commentors. You continue to validate my ridiculous, or in many cases not so ridiculous opinions of our Most Eligible Texans. After posting the mini-cap, the prevailing theory is that Ken Doll (Matt) and The Shrew’s (Courtney) relationship has been scripted to death. The Shrew’s feelings have been clear pretty much since Episode 1, Moment 1. However, Ken Doll has portrayed himself as an unabashed man-slut with no interest whatsoever being anything more than a friend to The Shrew. However, now that they’re flanked by a camera crew, Ken Doll is suddenly attracted to The Shrew and jealous of the idea of her dating other men? None of us are buying it, especially with Hot Mama (Neill) and Invictus in the mix. Granted, Invictus’ level of sexy is way off the charts, and you can’t really blame Ken Doll for feeling inferior by comparision. Clearly, this show was only meant to last one season, or else why would they take a multi-season story arc and cram it down our throats in 8 episodes. That being said, these two crazies deserve each other. Mazel Tov!
All that’s missing is a Justin Beiber poster and a Burn Book with a big red X scrawled over a photo of Hot Mama.
The story this week picks up the morning after the concert outing. Ken Doll calls The Shrew at home to find out what her problem is. Everyone except him realizes that her problem was his sucking face with Hot Mama, but she’s never going to admit that. Instead, she pinpoints “exhaustion.” For the few of you out there who are familiar with the off-broadway show Altar Boyz, exhaustion is a euphemism for alcoholism, so in more ways than one, this excuse is uber-appropriate. Girl is a frakkin lush!!! If MED doesn’t get a season 2 greenlight, she’s made her case for a stint on Celeb Rehab, for sure. To the camera, though, The Shrew admits to her discontent over being relegated to being Hot Mama’s “understudy.” She goes one step further, calling Ken Doll Invictus’ understudy as well. So, in other words, she’s just dating Invictus to make Ken Doll jealous. Real nice, bitch. Back on the phone, Ken Doll asks what she’s up to, and The Shrew proves this point by telling him she’s got a date with Invictus, and she’s going to soak up every minute she can with the “sexy South African.” Yeah, he better be getting paid real well for having to put up with this shit.
Meanwhile, Baldy McSixPack (Glenn) helps Lucky Ex pack her suitcase, as her visit draws to a close and she heads back to San Francisco. But before they go, he pulls her down on the bed for some smooches.
One more roll in the hay before you leave… I’ll go get the condoms.
He reminds us that he’s not ready for a relationship, but he doesn’t wanna lose her to someone else either. Oh, the age old dilemma—monogamy vs. playing the field. One dedicated vag for all of eternity with a 50% stake in your assets vs. an endless supply of floppy, diseased ones for free.
After the blood rushes out of the penis and back to the brain, maybe he’ll be able to think more clearly.
We check in with Leatherface (Tara), who has decided to go rock climbing at a gym with one of her ex-fiancés. To my amazement, this ex isn’t elderly looking (although his hair is graying). He does come off as a douche, however, when he sniffs the insides of the rental climbing shoes.
Let’s call him Shoe Fetish Ex.
Seriously, what is it with Leatherface and dudes wanting to bring her to places with rental shoes. Are they trying to tell her something? Because I’m not getting it. Leatherface, however, has learned her lesson, as she’s taken to bringing a pair a clean socks with her wherever she goes, in case they might be of use. They get tied up to their harnesses, and Shoe Fetish Ex laughs maniacally as Leatherface tries to climb the wall. She gets maybe 4 feet off the ground before falling off, and Shoe Fetish Ex just holds her up in the air and openly mocks her. Ahhh, now I see why this relationship ended.
Not what she had in mind when she asked him to “hang out.”
Finally, they sit down by the wall to have a heart-to-heart about her relationship with Mr. AARP. Leatherface tries to convince him that she’s totally into Mr. AARP, but he hits her upside the head with a strong dose of reality, calling her out on the fact that she, nor would her family ever be ok with her marrying a dude with multiple ex-wives and kids by multiple women. He asks her why she’s wasting her time, and she responds suggesting that she’s happy. Shoe Fetish Ex isn’t buying it, immediately refuting her supposed happiness and saying she’s not thinking clearly.
Doesn’t this gym have a coffee bar or lounge area you could visit, instead of getting in the way of other people climbing?
She remains stubborn, though, interviewing that despite The Shrew and Shoe Fetish Ex’s protestations, her relationship with Mr. AARP could be the real deal. She’s clearly not a teenager, but there’s something to be said about forbidden fruit. The more the people in her life argue against their relationship, the more likely she’ll be to do something stupid in order to prove everyone wrong. I say, bring it on. This whole plotline has been nothing but boring so far.
Next, Ken Doll and his dad pow-wow in his office when the Shrew shows up for a little visit. Daddy Nordgren pops a boner and quickly excuses himself to go take care of business.
It’s been years since his wife’s boobies were that perky.
Meanwhile, Ken Doll is surprised and pleased by her visit. He invites her to his pool party, feeling honored that she’d take a day off from work to attend. Considering that she’s really the only one we haven’t seen “working,” I really wonder if that was all that difficult to do. Also, apparently, she has to work every Saturday and Sunday, which suggests that she basically works retail and lives off of a trust fund with a stipulation that she be employed somewhere in order to collect. Then, she turns the screws on Ken Doll, changing the subject to Invictus, telling Ken Doll that he’s coming over to her place to say goodbye because he’s leaving for South Africa.
The manipulations begin with making Ken Doll jealous.
Ken Doll’s response: “Good!” The Shrew acts as if she’s gonna miss him, telling the camera that she doesn’t know what to do about this “break” in their relationship. Dude, this relationship wasn’t real to begin with, so why pretend to sweat it. Ken Doll starts to criticize, citing the fact that Invictus is several years younger than The Shrew, and he thinks that she doesn’t act like herself when he’s around. If he means that she doesn’t fawn all over him in Invictus’ presence, then he would be correct. In addition to being a regular man-whore, Ken Doll is an attention whore too.
The Shrew counters by bringing up Hot Mama and her kid. Ken Doll doesn’t really respond, so The Shrew suggests that he just put an end to their relationship altogether. She doesn’t think he’ll make a good step-dad, which is very interesting considering she wants to have a litter of Ken Doll babies, which would make him a real dad.
The manipulations continue with freaking him out about instant fatherhood, as opposed to having 9 months to prep him for the job.
If he wouldn’t make a good step-dad, what makes her think he’d be any different as a biological dad? OH RIGHT, because he’d be the father to THEIR children. Gotcha, moving on. Ken Doll tries to play it off since Hot Mama knows he doesn’t want a relationship with her. Except we just saw her talking to her mother about dating him and introducing him to Major. The Shrew calls bullshit on him, pointing out their make-out session at the concert as proof that Hot Mama has commitment on the brain.
The look of genuine fear as he suddenly realizes that he’s stumbled into an almost committed relationship.
Finally, Ken Doll makes the connection that if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck, then he’s been hoodwinked into having a monogamous relationship with Hot Mama, and she’s out shopping for a wedding dress and picking a date for the nuptials. Perception is reality, and Ken Doll has a minor freak out, listing everything wrong with getting into a relationship with Hot Mama, which is in stark contrast to everything he’s said about WANTING to date her in the last few episodes. Ridiculous. But he doesn’t want to lead her on, so it sounds like we’re getting a “break up.” I hope he tells her via text. “Lets just b friends, k?” Then, since he’s suddenly single, he asks The Shrew to be her date to his charity gala. The Shrew, clearly elated, tries to play coy, suggesting that Hot Mama might be upset by that. Ken Doll doesn’t care, because they were never dating, and The Shrew is the most important woman in his life anyway. Hearing that warms the cockles of The Shrew’s heart, and she giddily accepts.
My Best Friend’s Wedding 2: Manipulation Works This Time
Ken Doll assures us of the dozens of beautiful women he could use as arm candy, but this fundraiser is NOT a vanity project to generate some positive PR for him and help clean up his image. And what better way to prove that you’re not a slut than by bringing a non-blonde with a yen for curtain dresses to your fundraiser. Then he convinces The Shrew to open a joke envelope of “rattlesnake eggs.” She freaks out, and they both laugh like 4th grade boys when someone farts.
Back to Baldy McSixPack, who is driving Lucky Ex to the airport. In the Caddy, he holds her hand and leans over, while driving, to kiss her.
Because this is safe… at least they’re wearing seat belts.
They pull up to the terminal, and he helps her take her suitcase out of the trunk. They stop by the door to say their goodbyes, and they hug and kiss and exchange “I love you’s.” Then he interviews that Lucky Ex would be the girl he’d go monogamous for, if he were ready. And in a somewhat shocking admission, he suggests that he might actually be ready right now. Pssst… you’re ready, Baldy. Bite the bullet.
Back from commercial, we head over to The Shrew’s apartment for their goodbye date. She sprays herself with perfume in the middle of the kitchen, and before preparing for Invictus’ arrival.
Please note the blue gift bag on the counter as The Shrew prepares for Invictus’ arrival.
She spouts some bullshit about being sad he’s leaving and wanting to make their time together special, but her interpretation is preparing a plate of bread and cheese dip, opening a bottle of cheap wine and rearranging the furniture.
Invictus shows up with an oddly similar gift bag. Note to Bravo producers: At least buy different color bags so that we don’t immediately know the gifts are bullshit.
Invictus pulls out a bottle of South African wine he brought as a gift, and The Shrew tosses her cheap bottle aside for the more expensive one that Bravo sprung for. Then, he talks about missing her while he’s away. The Shrew says that he’ll have enough to keep him busy while he’s gone, and Invictus responds that she’ll have Ken Doll, so she’ll have no problems either. HAHAHA!!! Invictus is no fool (although, let’s be honest… that line was completely scripted). The Shrew tries to act shocked, but her expression only says, “BUSTED!” instead of, “OH NO, YOU DIDN’T!” Then she does a poor job convincing him that he’s just a friend.
Her shock is so unconvincing that even Invictus can’t help but laugh.
They sit down on the couch, as directed by Bravo, and talk about missing each other. The Shrew suggests they skype, and Invictus points out the 7 hour time difference, saying he’ll be waking up when she’s getting home from the club. In other words, he’ll have morning wood when she gets home so drunk that she’ll be easily convinced to get naked for him. As if she understood his inference, she tries to paint herself as the good little chaste girl who gets home early. And with that, it’s time for him to go. She walks him down to his car, where he’s gotten a parking ticket. The Shrew tries to play it off as a sign that he shouldn’t leave her to go to South Africa, but it’s really a sign that he shouldn’t be with her at all. They finally say goodbye, and when he goes in for the kiss, she turns her head and offers her cheek. Then, they finally kiss each other on the mouth, and there’s no movement from either of them whatsoever.
This is an animated GIF. HONEST!
She gets one compliment and a little bit of attention from Ken Doll and suddenly, Invictus’ appeal disappears. I can only shake my head. I hope Invictus deletes her number from his phone as soon as he pulls away. She interviews about bad timing destroying relationships and potential and all that. Translation: Invictus was a means to an end, and the end being Ken Doll. Ridiculous.
Meanwhile, Leatherface arrives at Mr. AARP’s assisted living facility for a romantic early bird dinner. He quotes the famous line from Casablanca, ya know… cause he’s OLD, but Leatherface is focused on the dinner he’s prepared for them.
When you’re more interested in the food on the table than the romantic gesture, it’s time to just be friends.
They share a glass of wine and sit down to eat. They start talking about her day, and it’s boring as shit, but things get more interesting when he brings up the importance of friendship in any relationship, saying that’s what he loves the most about their budding romance. He compliments Leatherface up the ass, calling her smart and humble, and Leatherface appears to melta little at the attention. To the camera, she goes into an elaborate explanation about how happy she is with Mr. AARP, which I’m not completely sold on. They continue to eat while he lays out the plan for the evening: finish dinner and have dessert up on the roof deck. Leatherface agrees, loving the view of Dallas from up there.
Breaking up with her in a deserted public place is less considerate when it’s being filmed for broadcast on cable television. Kinda defeats the purpose
Next, we check in with Ken Doll, who meets Hot Mama at a museum or art gallery of some sort for some alone time. Again, they appear to be completely alone, which is probably a good thing when he interviews about how his feelings for Hot Mama have changed now that he’s taking her situation into consideration. And by situation, I mean Major. Hot Mama arrives dressed up for a date, and they gush over how cool the place is. They joke about the art, and make their way into a dark, secluded room where they sit for a serious discussion. Proving how clueless Ken Doll truly is, he starts by talking about The Shrew and how she made sense the other day when she said, “Perception is reality.” Then he applied that statement to whatever he and Hot Mama are doing with each other.
7 episodes in is a bit too late to reconsider signing on to do this show, girl.
She lets him off the hook, confirming for him that she’s not interested in a relationship either, nor does she want the complications of the resulting expectations. All the while, she’s rolling her eyes, realizing that she’s being broken up with, even though they never officially started dating in the first place. To the camera, she says that she’s relieved to be off the rollercoaster that is Ken Doll, and that he and The Shrew can have each other, for all she cares. To assuage his guilt, Ken Doll assures her that he’ll always be there for her, just like he always has been, in the same way that he always has been—as friends who fuck from time to time. Hot Mama confirms that they’re good, and he smacks her ass as they get up to leave.
This isn’t a football locker room, Ken Doll. You might want to pick a different “friendly” gesture.
Back up on the roof of Mr. AARP’s building, they marvel at the view, and he snuggles up to Leatherface from behind. He proceeds to lay on the seduction real thick, expressing surprise that they’re even together and how she’s way out of his league. Then, he makes a slight misstep, asking why she’s always been the Runaway Bride.
Julia Roberts is my hero. Next, I’m going to quit my job and recreate Eat, Pray, Love.
Leatherface gets offended by his question, but she explains that she just couldn’t see having to spend the rest of her life with any of the dudes who proposed marriage to her. Hint for any future love interest: if you ever want out of the relationship but don’t know how to do it, just say the words, “Let’s go talk to the priest.” Apparently, that’s like engagement kryptonite to her. Mr. AARP responds that he’s glad she never got married, presumably because it’s led to them being together now. Meanwhile, Leatherface wants to avoid her previous mistakes, choosing to be more cautious with Mr. AARP. Again, I call bullshit here, because none of her friends see this relationship lasting, and if she’s being honest with herself, neither does she. So her “caution” is really just an attempt to keep him at arm’s length until she ultimately comes to her senses, or as my BFF, Lrhflute points out, until the cameras stop rolling. But until that time comes, she’s down for whatever, which is evident when he tells her that he’s falling in love with her.
… until I don’t anymore, which will probably be soon.
Instead of nipping this whole thing in the bud right away, she just returns the sentiment, saying that she loves her too. Oh, what a tangled web we weave…
Back from commericial, we check in with Dick Stick (Drew) for the first time this episode. He’s out driving around town when he calls up Gaylon. Apparently, something’s going on with Dick Stick because he hasn’t left his apartment in days, and he’s wearing a retarded headband. Gaylon picks up on something and asks if he’s ok, at which point Dick Stick invites himself over to hang.
Another gay shame spiral.
Dick Stick arrives at Gaylon’s, teasing to the camera that he might have screwed up things with Cross-Eyed Twinkie Ex. OOOH, GAY DRAMA!!! They sit out on the balcony, and Dick Stick reveals what all went down. Apparently, Twinkie Ex asked Dick Stick to hang out, and they went to a club where Dick Stick ran into some random dude who’s been texting him. Dick Stick ended up hooking up with this dude with Twinkie Ex standing right there, and Twinkie Ex goes ballistic. Personally, I don’t really see why, since they’re supposed to be ex’s. Then again, with all the time they’ve been spending together, the unspoken understanding might have been them getting back together, in which case, poor Twinkie Ex. Dick Stick is now paying the price for keeping his feelings to himself, and now any hope of reconciliation is shot to shit. Gaylon confirms that Dick Stick has yet to call him and work things out because Dick Stick doesn’t know what to do, so he’s been giving Twinkie Ex his space. Gaylon drops some knowledge on Dick Stick, advising him to get on the phone and own up to his bullshit. Dammit, why couldn’t Gaylon have been our resident Most Eligible Gay? Dick Stick laments his colossal screw-up, although the bigger screw-up here belongs to Bravo for not being there to catch this all on video for us. Am I right, Gasmii?
To cleanse our palates of the gay turmoil, we switch focus to Ken Doll’s pool party. He’s been working so hard on his charity gala that he feels like he needs to “get a load off.” Another blow for the English language as he implies masturbation instead of relaxation. He climbs on a party bus with his posse of skanks and a few other friends of the male persuasion. They break out the champagne and get the party started to bad club music.
Ken Doll’s “go-to girl,” Kat is there. Remember her? She was the blonde he took out on the awkward group date back in episode 2 or 3, then back to his place to bone. She reminds him that it’s a marathon, as opposed to a sprint. Ahhhh, so Ken Doll suffers from premature ejaculation? No wonder he can’t effectively take a load off by getting a load off.
They arrive at their destination with the pool party already in full swing. Picture it, an upscale public pool overrun by trashy hoes in string bikinis. It’s like Ken Doll’s nirvana. Baldy arrives, and they hug it out in celebration of being knee deep in silicone fun bags and alcohol-hampered inhibitions. Then their shirts come off, letting their pecs and abs breathe.
The Shrew and Leatherface arrive already driving the Judgmental Express as Leatherface immediately points out the fact that every dude there possesses a douchey tribal tattoo. The camera cuts to two hoochies in skimpy bikinis, one of which with her ass completely hanging out, trying to attach themselves to Baldy McSixPack’s jock.
For all the straight men out there.
Meanwhile, Leatherface mistakes them for being in Vegas, what with all the shameless debauchery occurring in front of them, while they sit on the sidelines being Mean Girls. I’ve got news for them: This is how young, single people party nowadays. The old people stand on the sidelines in their cover-ups making fun of everyone else, secretly wishing they were 10 years younger and vain enough to have visited the plastic surgeon, until the loser guys finally resort to approaching then because every other girl in the place has turned them down. Real talk.
Yep, that means you.
To prove how jealous and bitter she is, The Shrew goes on a hilarious rant about bikini etiquette. To be exact, the rules state that a bikini shall never be worn in combination with high heels, lest you be mistaken for a stripper. The caveat is with the cover-up, which affords a girl the privilege of wearing a small wedge. Got that, girls? The Shrew has spoken! Here endeth the lesson! I bet she’s sitting there, berating herself for NOT wearing heels.
Where’s the pole, indeed!
Baldy is still humoring the hoochie with her ass hanging out of her bikini. She desperately tries to flirt with him, drawing attention to her hooker heels, mentioning that her goal is to have someone kiss them before the day is out. Where’s Shoe Fetish Ex when you really need him? Baldy isn’t impressed, and at a loss for something to say, mistakenly compliments her on her sunglasses. This sends her on a drunken tangent about how she went shopping for them without a friend, so she had to pester the salesgirl to help her narrow down her choices from 40 different pairs to the one she’s wearing now. The entire time, Baldy tries to look interested, while covertly signaling for a wingman, ANY wingman, to rescue him from the airhead with the suction cup vagina trying to attach herself to his six pack.
And….. they’re out.
In what might be the most selfless thing Ken Doll has done on this show to date, he approaches and saves Baldy. Suddenly, in his interview, Baldy comes upon a new appreciation for Lucky Ex, who is both beautiful AND interesting to talk to. And with that, Baldy’s priorities seem to have changed! YAY!
Ken Doll tries to get The Shrew in the water, but like the Wicked Witch of the West, she’ll melt if she gets wet, so she just sits at the edge while Ken Doll gets a load off. At this point, The Shrew decides to enlighten us with her List of Qualities for Ken Doll’s Perfect Woman….
AKA How The Shrew Sees Herself And Why She’s Perfect For Ken Doll.
Here goes: 1. She has to have a great sense of style (look great in curtain dresses and clunky jewelry); 2. Great Hair (the ever-lovin’ side braid and Bump-It); 3. A little bit vain, but in an adorable kind of way (Judgmental Express much?); 4. A balance between being a girly girl’s girl and being The Shrew’s bestie (and we already know that she’s totally in love with herself, in addition to Ken Doll); and 5. She can call him Matty because right now, The Shrew is the only girl who can call him that (and what better way to get around this then to keep her as the only girl who can call him Matty). Yep, she just described herself! Shocking, I know! And as if we didn’t already know that, the editors make sure of it, illustrating each of her points by cutting to video clips of HER! BRILLIANT!
This is an interesting segue into Ken Doll telling The Shrew that he took her advice and broke up with Hot Mama, using her name in the process. The Shrew expresses annoyance at this because even though she completely orchestrated it, she didn’t want Hot Mama to know. I mean, how bad is it gonna look when Ken Doll and The Shrew eventually get together? Those are the risks you take when you try to manipulate people. Just focus on your victory, The Shrew! It may have been messy, but it was a victory nonetheless. Ken Doll, plied with copious amounts of alcohol by this point, expresses his deep affection for The Shrew. He’s so lucky to have her in his life, and she’s closer to his heart than anyone else who’s not blood related. And here we go, folks. The script now calls for Ken Doll’s revelation. He interviews that she’s the only woman he doesn’t have to have his guard up around, and they’re there for each other no matter what. Cue the violins.
Now that both of our complications are out of the way….
The conversation switches to Invictus being gone. Ken Doll asks her if she thinks her relationship with him could ultimately work out, and she’s all non-committal, saying they’ll find out when he gets back. Except as soon as Ken Doll gives her the slightest opportunity, she’ll be all like, “Invictus, who?” He asks how long Invictus will be gone, and when The Shrew responds, he acknowledges that he now has 6 weeks to get The Shrew to fall in love with him. They laugh at the joke, except it’s not really a joke. It’s a teaser for what’s about to happen. God this isn’t so blatantly obvious.
In case we forgot, she’s got real responsibility to deal with.
Our in-commercial vignette this week is all about Hot Mama and Major. Apparently, people see her with her kid, and can’t believe she’s the mother? Why, exactly? Because she said she had him early. What does that even mean? She had him young? As my loyal commentors have pointed out, she looks at least 10 years older than her actual age of 23. Then she puts a wrap on her relationship with Ken Doll, saying he’ll be a good family man someday, just not with her. Boring… moving on.
When we get back from commercial, it’s charity gala time. Ken Doll shows up to check on the set-up, and we get more lip service about how important this event is to him, and how great it’s gonna be. He talks up the auction items, as if 1. any of the viewers are gonna buy stuff and 2. They didn’t hire a company to come in and run the auction on consignment. I’ve done this shit before. You can’t fool me.
Something else I’ve done before: Stroking the rich volunteer’s ego, making them think they’re actually in charge.
He’s excited, though, about making this event successful so that he can live up to his family’s charitable legacy and make his own name in the philanthropic community, blah blah blah.
While Matt’s standing around watching everyone else get his event together, The Shrew meets up with her mom to get groomed for the event. I guess that’s what you do? Maybe The Shrew needs her there to make sure the Koreans don’t overwax her va-jay-jay? The Shrew interviews that her mom understands her vanity and is supportive because she wants her daughter to hurry the fuck up, find a man and give her grandbabies. Ahhhh, that makes sense now. Too bad you probably could have had that with Invictus if you weren’t so caught up with Ken Doll. They go to the salon to get beautified, and The Shrew gets up on the operating table while the technician takes industrial grade tweezers to her eyebrows while massive patches of some sort attempt to deflate the enormous bags under her eyes. When she’s done, she inspects the work, giving her new face a stamp of approval.
Think Miss Congeniality, but without Sandra Bullock’s likeability.
An hour and a half before the event, Ken Doll arrives at a hotel suite to get ready with a gaggle of women. Who are these bitches and what function do they serve? I’m so confused. Ken Doll has a dude put his tux on him while he talks more about being nervous and calls The Shrew to check in with her.
You’d better not be late. Any number of relatively attractive skanks woulda killed to be my date, and they woulda been on time, bitch!
Apparently, she just got home from the salon, and she requests an hour to get ready. She says she’ll meet him there. What, because he was gonna be picking her up? I think not. Regardless, Ken Doll is just excited to show The Shrew this new selfless side to him. As if she needed another reason to be obsessed with him.
The gala is about to start, and the red carpet opens for early arrivals. Because what’s charity without shameless self-promotion. Ken Doll predictably goes in front of the paparazzi flanked by three women. Old habits die hard, I guess. Then he gives an interview to the press, giving him a perfect excuse to talk about how wonderful he is and what a great thing he’s doing.
Gotta make sure his good deeds are all accurately publicized.
Yeah, because this event wasn’t meant to clean up his image. HAHAHA!!! The only person who believes this heaping pile of bullshit is The Shrew. Leatherface and Baldy McSixPack arrive, the former in a beautiful purple gown, and the later in a gingham shirt with rolled up sleeves, tie and suspenders. Klassy! Ken Doll greets them warmly, openly wondering where the fuck his date is. He can’t believe that his best friend would be late for the most important day in his life! He gets her on the phone, and she’s sitting at her magic mirror putting on makeup.
It takes a long time to fool yourself into thinking you’re as attractive as you think you are.
She says that she’ll be there in 20 minutes, and the Bravo producers helpfully inform us that the gala starts in 25 minutes. She recognizes his nerves and gives him a little pep talk while she paints her face with powder or something. Girl, hurry the fuck up! Ken Doll hangs up because, oh ya know, he’s got an event to run right now.
10 minutes later, Gaylon shows up to pick up The Shrew, who is still in a blouse and sorts with her hair pulled up out of the way, not even close to being ready. He reminds her that the limo is picking them up NOW, and she hasn’t even started her hair, much less finished her makeup. Gaylon, who should be sympathetic towards her plight at the moment, turns straight just long enough to express annoyance and hurry her the fuck up.
Ken Doll moves inside where mingling and drinking has already begun. He starts working the crowd while single ladies gravitate towards Baldy McSixPack and start to hit on him.
No one told me that black tie meant to wear a tuxedo.
Meanwhile, Ken Doll greets a table of his former UT teammates, many of whom currently play or have played or ride the bench in the NFL. None of the names are huge, so you know he ain’t getting much money out of these guys. He’s just grateful for their support.
As much support as you can expect from a group of NFL 2nd stringers and bench players, anyway.
What he’s not grateful for… is The Shrew’s lateness. He makes the ultimate call to get everyone seated so that the program can start, and The Shrew is still MIA.
Either an expression of annoyance or a glimpse at his vast insecurity leading to a compulsive need to have a woman on his arm at all times. You be the judge.
Cut to her apartment, where Gaylon stands around impatiently hurrying her up while The Shrew digs under her bed for the appropriate handbag. The Shrew interviews how important it is to feel confident in your appearance when you go to an event, going off on a 10 minute rant about how every little detail needs attention, from the dress to the makeup to the hair to the jewelry and how they all tie together in the ultimate concept of the look that you want to portray so that you don’t end up portraying yourself as a CRAZY HOE!
Perhaps she should have thought about this a few hours earlier so that she’d be ON TIME.
Showing up fashionably late is appropriate when you’re a guest. Not so much when you’re the host’s fucking date! I hope Ken Doll rips her a new asshole over this!
Speaking of, the emcee is droning on unintelligibly from the stage while Ken Doll looks around the room for his missing date. Finally, Gaylon and The Shrew walk up a deserted red carpet, because all the photographers are inside, because the event started an hour ago! Ok, I’m probably exaggerating, but am I really? The Shrew makes it to her table, and at first, Ken Doll looks pissed. But then he gets up, kisses her hello, wipes the lipstick off his lips, and interviews that she just looked so stunning. It was like he’s seeing her for the first time, and as more than just a friend.
Apparently, she fills a void in his life that he didn’t know was there, and predictably, The Shrew is absolutely blown away by how wonderful the event is and how selfless Ken Doll can pretend to be. She was so proud of him, and by the look on her face, you can tell her ovaries just did a backflip. Ken Doll soaks in her praise, then introduces her as his good friend to the NFL “superstars” at the next table. Apparently, he used to play with Vince Young, another promising college stud who hasn’t been able to hack it in the pros. But he escaped the ghetto and has managed to stay out of jail, so his presence is appropriate. Ken Doll reads off the cue cards behind the cameraman, gushing about The Shrew and how he couldn’t have done any of this without her support. Note to viewers: This is the big moment where he finally realizes The Shrew could be a suitable housewife who will willingly turn a blind eye to his many affairs with skanky blond golddiggers.
Subtle. I love being hit over the head with obvious plot twists.
He puts his hand on her knee while the emcee introduces him at the event and calls him up to the stage for his speech. Despite the lack of personality, he’s got a pretty face and a commanding voice, so he’s very well suited for this schtick. This event will certainly help clean up his image, though. Job well done, Ken Doll.
Meanwhile, Dick Stick chills at home by himself, considering that all his friends are at the gala fundraiser that he refused to support. He finally works up the nerve to call up Twinkie Ex. When he answers the phone, Dick Stick nervously apologizes. Twinkie Ex immediately asks what Dick Stick is sorry for, which is exactly what I do when my boyfriend apologizes to me when he’s fucked up and I’m mad. Dick Stick tries to gloss over it, vaguely citing his “mistake.” I gain mad respect for Twinkie Ex, because he refuses to let up, asking if he means making out with a random dude or breaking their trust. OOOOH OUCH!!!! And yet, I LOVE IT!!! Dick Stick looks appropriately ashamed, though. However, all he does is apologize for everything Twinkie Ex just said, which is exactly what my boyfriend does, like it doesn’t really matter what he’s apologizing for, because saying the words “I’m Sorry” is like saying “Abracadabra” and waving a magic wand, and suddenly, all the problems are gone and everything is forgiven. Like I do with my boyfriend, Twinkie Ex calls bullshit on the whole thing, laying into Dick Stick, but good. He points out that he made out with the dude right in front of him, STONE COLD SOBER!!!
Alert AA! Someone’s about to fall off the wagon.
Yep, bet you wish you never went to rehab, Dick Stick. At least if you were drunk, you’d have a convenient excuse. Dick Stick tries to blame the random dude’s stalking, and again, Twinkie Ex calls bullshit on Dick Stick’s tendency to play the victim and shirk responsibility. Finally, Dick Stick speaks from the heart, albeit like a high school dropout who uses words in the wrong context. Example: “I am gratefully sorry.” HUH? Yeah, don’t waste too much brain power on that one. Twinkie Ex informs him that sorry isn’t enough, and the damage done to their relationship won’t easily be fixed. And then he basically hangs up on Dick Stick. LOVE IT!!!!
After the final commercial break, the charity gala starts to wind down. Ken Doll thanks his football playing friends for coming. Thank them after the checks clear. Mr. AARP shows up very late and drops ridiculous compliments on his new girlfriend, I guess to make up for not being able to escort her to the event. Ken Doll pulls The Shrew aside, and she immediately reassures him that everyone is having a great time and his event is a bona fide success. He looks at her with as much sexual subtext his doll-like face can muster, and The Shrew hugs him.
This is a reality show, people. Not a bad Rom-Com.
More meaningful looks, and then we get the big whopper of a cliffhanger. Ken Doll tells her about their family’s recent real estate purchase out by the lake, and he invites her there for an intimate getaway with him. The Shrew is barely able to contain the major SQUEEEEEEE going on in her brain right at that very moment, but she holds it together to downplay just how momentous and significant this request must be to her.
Looks like the spoiled little rich girl is about to get what she wants again. YAY?
Let’s hope they don’t get there, and he’s got a few dozen blondes waiting for him in the hot tub! And with that, the episode ends.
Next week, for the finale, we get Dick Stick’s parking lot emotional collapse, Mr. AARP takes Leatherface to a gas station diner for dinner, Baldy McSixPack skips town, Hot Mama has a gig, and The Shrew and Ken Doll go on their romantic getaway together. Join me for all the drama!