Ladies and gentleman, we finally have DRAMA!!!! First, I apologize for not doing a mini-cap this week, but I didn’t get to watch the show until late Tuesday night. I figured I’d just jump right into the recap, rather than falling further behind. I like to think you’re all waiting with baited breathe every week for my deconstruction, and I don’t like to disappoint. So without much more of a delay, let’s just jump in.
What do you mean, Slumrville doesn’t live for providing snarky commentary on bad reality television? I don’t believe it!
Last week, The Shrew (Courtney) had a successful blind date with a sexy South African, and while the relationship shows promise, she still can’t get away from her obsession with Ken Doll (Matt). Speaking of Ken Doll, he recovered from his temper tantrum over Hot Mama (Neill) paying other guys attention by taking her out on an actual date in an empty restaurant so that she can’t help but focus on him. In turn, Hot Mama is allowing herself to be wooed despite Ken Doll’s perpetual posse of skanks. Baldy McSixPack (Glenn) welcomed the arrival of his ex-girlfriend, revealing his inner romantic. Dick Stick (Drew) made amends with The Shrew over the DIFFA spotlight disagreement, and then participated in a completely manufactured dog rescue in the ghetto with Leatherface (Tara). And Leatherface learned that Mr. AARP has already exceeded his child-bearing years, much to her ultimate disappointment.
This week, we start at Leatherface’s vet for Ghetto Rescue’s check-up, which is the first thing you do when you rescue a dog or cat. Wow, I never would have guessed! Then again, the dog looked perfectly healthy to me when they freed him from his urine scented doghouse/shed. Leatherface has a completely scripted conversation with Gaylon about Ghetto Rescue’s condition, which was apparently more serious than I suspected, because he had surgery for heartworms. Hmmmmm…. I’ve seen the PetMeds commercials, and there’s a medication for that. Do you really need surgery to correct that? I don’t have a dog, nor have I ever had one, so I have no clue. If you know the real deal, please enlighten me in the comments.
No shaved spots, no bandages, no big plastic cone… I call bullshit on the surgery!
They bring out Ghetto Rescue, and the Vet Tech goes through the laundry list of services and treatments, with the total bill coming to $817.50, which Leatherface quickly puts on the Paws in the City tab. WOW!!! I hope she gets a huge ass discount for bringing all their rescues there! And don’t forget that non-profits are tax-exempt.
YAY! Leatherface used her coupon for a free bag of dog food with every surgical procedure over $500.
Over at Baldy’s house, he and Lucky Ex talk about his tan, and he likens the depth of color to changing races. He settles somewhere between Hispanic and African American. I can’t tell if this qualifies as racist.
Pakulak suggests Polish, but he could still be a fraction of a minority.
Because he’s ridiculously hot, I’ll let this slide for now. He shifts into jealous ex-boyfriend mode, asking if she’s gonna be dating someone by the time he goes out to Oakland for the football season. He tells her that someone is gonna snatch her up if he keeps waiting, which begs the question: WHY WAIT?!?!?! You clearly know you wanna be with her. What’s the problem? We get the answer in his interview. FEAR OF COMMITMENT!
Although the douchey hat and mother of pearl belt buckle/pendant should be the best possible woman repellant out there.
Seriously, people, what’s the big deal with commitment? 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway. Chances are good that it won’t work out anyway, so just have the party and collect the gifts. Baldy knows he loves her, but that she won’t wait around forever. Unless she’s another Shrew and Baldy is her own personal Ken Doll, in which case, she’ll wait until her uterus shrivels up and turns to dust.
Attention like this will keep her available a few more months while you figure out your deal, Baldy.
Well, folks, here we go. The first two scenes were like bland appetizers to what’s about to turn into a very hearty, satisfying meal. Our favorite homo sidekick, Gaylon, hosts an intimate dinner party with Dick Stick and their respective hags, The Shrew and Leatherface, complete with figurative fireworks! Dick Stick shows up with a paper bag full of Diet Coke, because he’s a recovering alcoholic (remember this for later). Gaylon offers the Shrew a glass of wine, to which her response is “Le Duh!” Ah, so this is a french themed party? Also, we’ve seen the Shrew a total of 7.4 seconds this episode, and she already has drink in her hand.
Take a shot!
The conversation starts off with a discussion of Leatherface and Mr. AARP, and The Shrew slams him because he’s old with 3 kids, 4 ex-wives, and no intention of having any more kids with her. Actually, her criticism du jour (in keeping with the French theme) is the fact that he recently made Leatherface drive to his house for a date. Gaylon fails to see the faux pas in this, like about 97% of the rest of America that doesn’t live in the antebellum south. A discussion erupts around dating etiquette and proper male courtship conventions in heterosexual relationships. I guess women’s lib hasn’t made it to Dallas yet. Where’s Gloria Steinem when you need her?
Gaylon suggests that they move the party out to the balcony. More wine gets poured, which means that the Shrew is getting more drunk. Also, more Diet Coke gets poured, which means that Dick Stick is getting more caffeinated. It’s like a cold front meeting a warm front, and we’re about to see the inevitable thunderstorm. The conversation shifts to ex-relationships as Dick Stick talks about his mostly unrequited feelings towards Cross-Eyed Twinkie Ex, and the Shrew shares the fact that Baldy’s ex-girl is in town for a visit. Gaylon lights the fuse by suggesting her visit (which was purely to visit Baldy) is a problem. The Shrew vehemently agrees, stating her opinion that falling out of love with someone is “fate” and should be final.
All her ex’s have either been assholes or imaginary, so it makes sense that she doesn’t wanna reconcile with any of them.
Meanwhile, Leatherface politely disagrees, urging that relationships shouldn’t just be written off after all the work and emotion invested. The Shrew proceeds to go on diatribe about desperately holding on to pain and being unwilling to let go of toxic relationships (UM, HELLO…… KEN DOLL?!?!?!?), which Leatherface points out that Baldy and Lucky Ex’s relationship wasn’t toxic. True enough, since their break up was due to long distance more than anything else. Dick Stick looks at her like the crazy bitch she is and tries to relate his situation with Twinkie Ex to the topic at hand. The Shrew immediately tells him he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and the back and forth begins. Dick Stick tries to make a point and The Shrew, with basically twisted logic, argues the counterpoint.
Where are all the former fatties who have never been in a long term relationship before, but think they know all there is to know about getting back together with an ex because they’re still in love with one?
Dick Stick gets more and more fed up, interviewing his impression that The Shrew harbors a latent disdain for him and her tendency to talk over people is her way of walking over people. Dick Stick suggests they move inside to escape the chilly weather, but the change in scenery doesn’t lead to a change of subject. Dick Stick digs his heels in, stubbornly continuing to try to make his point while The Shrew digs her heels in, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge the possibility that there might be an exception to her break-up rule. In the process, she bitchily mocks Dick Stick’s argument completely. Dick Stick finally yells at the bitch to STFU and listen to him.
Whoa! I can’t believe you just pointed out every unattractive thing about my personality!
And of course, that only manages to close The Shrew off completely, because now she feels attacked. Hilariously, The Shrew reprimands him for failing to use tact when speaking to people, when she was just guilty of doing the VERY SAME THING! She might as well have responded, “I know you are, but what am I?” Pot, meet Kettle! I’m sorry, people, but I’m totally on Team Dick Stick here. She condescendingly suggests he stop being confrontational with people (her), calling them (her) bitches and waving his finger in people’s (her) faces like a diva (Christina Aguilara), and people (she) might be more receptive to what he’s saying. Except at no point during this entire conversation did Dick Stick do any of that until he lost his patience, justifiably so.
But the damage has already been done, and Dick Stick responds like any other angry queen would, by calling her a two-faced CUNT!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! As much as I don’t like Dick Stick, I have to give you a standing ovation here! The Shrew looks shocked that someone would use such vulgar language to describe her, which Gaylon and Leatherface both have expressions of unfortunate agreement on their faces. BRILLIANT!
Yep, she’s a See Ya Next Tuesday, unfortunately.
No argument from me either.
Back from commercial, we get an instant replay of the See You Next Tuesday incident. Silence fills the room while the editors work in tense music. After a few seconds, Dick Stick continues, yelling that The Shrew is (what he just called her). Leatherface interviews that she would have launched him over the balcony for calling her that word, except she just sat there and did nothing. Dick Stick, all hot under the collar, tries to aggressively explain his frustration with her, but The Shrew only manages to whine, interrupt Dick Stick some more, and play the victim.
I guess it doesn’t feel so good to have the Judgmental Express directed at you.
She turns everything around on Dick Stick, accusing him of doing everything he just accused her of doing and being a bad friend for attacking her. I’m sorry, but she deserved it, at least based on how Bravo chose to edit the scene, anyway. When Dick Stick tries to back track and calmly talk about what happened, The Shrew gets up in the middle of what he’s saying and walks out of the room instead of working it out.
Leatherface firmly suggests to Dick Stick that he scrub the C-Word out of his vocabulary before checking on how The Shrew is doing. She says she’s fine while playing with her phone as Dick Stick uncomfortably walks by. He’d like to get to know her, if she’ll give him a chance. I don’t know why he’ll think the outcome will be any different, but I’m down with the increased potential for more drama. But for the time being, Dick Stick apologizes to the Shrew. And true to form, she fails to acknowledge any wrongdoing in the whole matter (last week’s apology notwithstanding). She interviews that Dick Stick is like that awesome pair of shoes that gives you blisters, suggesting you have leave the bad and take the good when it comes to friends. If that’s true, then the Shrew is like necktie you have to wear to appear professional at work, except it chafes your neck and aggravates your razor burn. Ultimately, the tension is diffused and everyone laughs when The Shrew jokingly says she looks like Seabiscuit. For the sake of peace, Dick Stick lies to her, saying she doesn’t look like a horse. You be the judge.
Over at Leatherface’s parent’s house, she cleans up a load of dogshit Shaniqua deposited on the expensive Oriental rug. Hey, where’s Maria the Mexikeeper when you need her! I hope she didn’t get fired, or <GASP> quit!
Perhaps someone should get off her ass and walk the dog.
Leatherface sits down with Slumber Party Friend, Scruffy Queen, and the girl who designed The Shrew’s curtain dress from the DIFFA party. Leatherface tells us that she’s designed a line of doggie jewelry for another Paws in the City fundraiser. Seriously, girl, can’t you get your parents to put $10 million in an endowment and let the charity operate off the interest? Your friends must be sick and tired of writing out checks every month for your stupid-ass fundraisers, like they’re playing the electric bill. The theme here is a owner/pet fashion show with matching, ugly-ass clunky jewelry that doesn’t even look like it was designed for the dogs in the first place. They put a ridiculous necklace on Shaniqua, and Leatherface calls this her Pretty Woman moment, which makes Leatherface the dog’s Richard Gere.
She chose the opera Pretty Woman moment, instead of the Hollywood Blvd. moment pictured below on another one of our favorite reality show:
Great, now I’ll have nightmares of Leatherface slathering peanut butter on her hoo-ha and letting Shaniqua go to town. My Fair Lady would have been a more appropriate comparison, and certainly less bestial. They oooh and aaah about the jewelry some more, and my finger itches to fast forward this bullshit.
Luckily, we switch to Ken Doll’s home office, where he promptly calls up Baldy McSixPack to talk up his first annual “charity” event and enlist the support of all his overpaid football friends. Um… don’t you, and your dad, have enough overpaid football friends of your own to hit up?
Why doesn’t anyone answer the phone when I call?
The goal of the event: to raise money for some of the most needy foundations in the city. If you were hoping for clarification as to what charities qualify as most needy, don’t hold your breath. Now you know why I put charity in quotes, which makes the whole thing reek of red carpet shenanigans.
Because a roof deck is the perfect place for a charity solicitation.
Later on, the cast gathers at a rooftop bar to discuss Ken Doll’s “charity.” Still no clarification. Leatherface suggests it’ll be a huge success if his passion for women translates into philanthropy. Maybe his charity is STD prevention?
Might as well take another shot. The wine will be along shortly.
Meanwhile, The Shrew orders a glass of wine, and proving that these people don’t really know each other in real life, Ken Doll asks if Dick Stick, our reigning alcoholic, wants a drink. Awkwardness descends on the whole scene as Ken Doll realizes his faux pas as Dick Stick whines about it. Then, Dick Stick lashes out, saying he’ll bitch slap Ken Doll if he forgets again, interviewing that Ken Doll must be a self-absorbed SOB if he can’t remember little details like alcoholism about his friends. Dude, if you didn’t know that about Ken Doll until now, who’s the self-absorbed SOB for not noticing sooner either.
Ken Doll starts talking about his charity event, for which he’s already volunteered everyone for already. When Courtney did it for the date auction, it was adorable. When he does it for his yet unidentified charity, everyone looks skeptical and confused, particularly Dick Stick. Finally, we get an explanation. The event will raise money for different charities each year, but the one constant will be an organization called Heroes. Dick Stick speaks up and asks the million dollar question.
What the fuck is Heroes?
It’s a community based sports organization that gets kids off the streets and teaches them vital lifeskills so that they can rise up and escape the ghetto. He mentions the Cuban center, and for those of you who don’t pay attention to sports, it has nothing to do with Fidel Castro or refugees from Cuba. Mark Cuban is the owner of the Dallas Mavericks, I think, and from what I gather, he’s a grade A toolbag. So in other words, someone who Ken Doll can relate to.
Dick Stick chimes in, warning Ken Doll that he needs to commit himself to several years of establishing this event the right way. Apparently, he’s gotten calls from his philanthropic friends that they view this fundraiser as a “douchebag” move. Ken Doll takes the high road, saying he doesn’t care what people think, because he’s doing charity work.
Oh, Ken Doll… you’ll care when people don’t spend $10K for a table, and another $5K on your silent auction, and the event eventually tanks.
Leatherface tries to bolster his spirits, saying she’s heard good things about the event (from the Shrew, probably), and the Shrew backs Ken Doll up too, because she wants to get in his pants. Dick Stick isn’t convinced, saying that the whole thing seems self-serving, like when an athlete or actor needs some good PR, so they go to Africa and adopt a dozen Starvin’ Marvins or serve instant mashed potatoes at a soup kitchen, complete with camera crew in tow and press releases pre-written. Meanwhile, Dick Stick is absolutely relentless in his vocal skepticism, totally reluctant to help. Leatherface think he’s being overly critical, and The Shrew, fresh off Dick Stick’s attack on her, is ready to throw down. Then Dick Stick basically says that his family are philanthropic snobs, and they can’t be bothered dealing with new charities. Yet, a few episodes ago, he was talking about growing up in poverty, so his whole argument here rings false in and of itself. Regardless, Ken Doll chooses to use this as motivation to make his event that much more successful. Good for you, Ken Doll. Don’t let a bitter, obnoxious queen stand in the way of making you appear less douchey in the wake of this show airing.
The next day, The Shrew and Ken Doll chat on the phone about Invictus, the sexy South African. Ken Doll asks if they’re hanging out a lot, and when The Shrew confirms his suspicions, he suggests they all go out to dinner. The Shrew thinks a threesome would be awkward (for Invictus, who’ll get no attention whatsoever), so Ken Doll mentions bringing Hot Mama.
Make sure to roll down the window before you turn your head and vomit at the thought.
The prospect of a double date is even less appealing for her, since her whole reason for bringing up Invictus in conversation was probably to make Ken Doll jealous in the first place. Oh, how quickly the tables turn, huh? The Shrew interviews that Ken Doll’s sudden interest in her relationship with Invictus is weird, along with his sudden interest in monogamous dating with Hot Mama. She reluctantly agrees to this double date. Even in the Twilight Zone world she’s suddenly found herself in, The Shrew still isn’t the object of Ken Doll’s affections. The girl can never win.
Queue montage of Ken Doll, Hot Mama and The Shrew getting ready for a night out, and I guess we’re jumping right into the double date. Why couldn’t we get a camera crew in Invictus’ bedroom to see him getting ready? We need to see this dude shirtless already! But first, (oh, how I miss the Chenbot already!) we check in with Hot Mama and Major while they wait to be picked up. Major really is an adorable, precocious toddler, and Hot Mama playfully puts her glasses on him while telling us how different dating has become with a kid.
Not really all that different when Bravo is footing the bill for child care so you can be a “Most Eligible” struggling singer.
The doorbell rings, and Hot Mama carries Major to go answer it. She opens the door for Ken Doll, and Major immediately reaches out for him.
“Hi, very wealthy dude! Will you be my daddy so we can get out of this shitty apartment?”
Ken Doll awkwardly takes the kid in his arms, and proves immediately how scared he is about the whole kid issue. He doesn’t even know how to hold a kid.
It’s a kid, Ken Doll. Not a sack of groceries or a football.
Hot Mama puts her hands out to mercifully take him back, and Major does a brilliant fake out, reaching out to her and pulling back at the last minute. Ken Doll is amused and frightened at the same time.
They sit on the couch while they wait for the babysitter. Apparently, Major likes guys, either because he’s a future gay, or more likely because he’s craving a father figure and sugar daddy for his mommy. Not surprisingly, Hot Mama melts at the sight of her baby in close proximity of a guy she’s interested in. It’d be more hot if Ken Doll was actually playing with the kid, but he just sits there and talks to the kid awkwardly, praying for a quick escape. Finally, the doorbell rings, and the babysitter has arrived. Major walks over to Ken Doll with raised arms, which is international baby-ese for PICK ME UP! It takes Ken Doll a full 30 seconds to realize what’s going on.
I’m surprised he didn’t pet the kid on his head, although the assumed high-five was kinda funny.
Ken Doll picks him up and immediately hands him off to the babysitter. Without missing a beat, Major starts crying as Hot Mama and Ken Doll get the fuck out of there. Doesn’t she know… you’re supposed to pre-occupy the kid first and sneak out while he’s distracted.
The Shrew and Invictus arrive at the restaurant, and The Shrew is partially terrified how things are gonna go. Apparently, both Invictus and Ken Doll are intense men, but while Invictus is quiet and reserved, Ken Doll is “in your face.”
She’s gonna break your heart, Invictus. Open your eyes and RUN!
Ken Doll and Hot Mama walk in, and our double date begins. After awkward introductions, The Shrew still can’t let things go, saying that Hot Mama shouldn’t be dating her “best friend.” Meanwhile, Hot Mama interviews her spot on accessment of the situation: she’s on a date with a girl who wants to date the guys she’s on a date with… and then there’s Invictus. Luckily, he gets to watch the show later on with the rest of us to see what a crazy beyotch he dated. If they somehow manage to survive the season, you know they’re done-zo when by now. Awkward silence descends on the table until the waitress/hostess (?) shows up. I wanna know what restaurant they went to, because at the mention of mac and cheese and goat cheese tater tots, and venison chili Frito pie, my mouth is watering like a fat kid at a buffet. So, in other words, like me every time I go to a buffet. This place is like a perfect amalgamation of upscale and down home. I LOVE IT! Random tangent: Top Chef starts next month, which also happens to be on Bravo, which should also coincide with the finale of MED. What are the chances of an MED cast appearance? Reality TV gods, please make that happen!
Finally, the conversation begins, and Ken Doll immediately looks like an asshole. He makes a lame joke about the room looking like they’re in South Africa. Yeah, if South Africa is one big forest.
I can’t tell if that was racist or not.
Invictus asks if Ken Doll has been to South Africa yet, and he admits that he hasn’t, even though Nelson Mandela’s grandson is a good friend of his and has been asking him to go. New drinking game: take a shot every time Ken Doll looks like a douche. So, take a shot. Hot Mama asks Invictus how many languages he speaks, and Invictus responds with 3 – English, Italian and Afrikaans (thank you, spell check!). The Shrew says that her boss at the Sunglasses Hut knows 8 languages, and Ken Doll jokes that there aren’t even 8 major languages.
Humoring stupid people is tiring work.
Hot Mama says he’s wrong, and Ken Doll persists, trying to list different languages. Take a shot! When he lists Mandarin first, The Shrew makes a joke about that being top on his list, and Ken Doll says that it’ll soon be the language spoken by a majority of the earth’s population. It’s true. Just watch Firefly. But Ken Doll insists he’s right, refusing to drop it. Take a shot! Then, he feeds Hot Mama (Take a shot!), and The Shrew shoots daggers out of her eyes at them.
The Shrew’s patented Back Off My Ken Doll Look, oh how we’ve missed it!
The Shrew tries to talk up her date, mentioning that his brother is on the Ferrari racing team out in Vegas. Ken Doll responds by talking about NASCAR in Dallas, and name dropping another good friend of his, Jimmy Johnson. Take a shot! Invictus tries to tell a story about his experience going to the race in a helicopter, and Ken Doll interrupts to say that he’d never go to a race in anything BUT a helicopter. Take a shot! Finally, the Shrew points out Ken Doll’s propensity for one-upping Invictus with regards to EVERYTHING. I wonder if that’s because he’s…. oh, I don’t know, JEALOUS?!?!?! Invictus invites the two of them to his birthday party the next day, and Ken Doll declines, saying he’s gonna be away at his lake house, relaxing and doing nothing for 24 hours. Take a shot!
Even Hot Mama can’t believe how much of a douche you’re acting like!
The Shrew looks pissed and Hot Mama looks embarrassed. And Invictus, ever the gentleman, just shrugs it off, offering up a toast. And despite all of this, The Shrew will probably dump Invictus the moment Ken Doll shows the tiniest bit of actual interest in her.
The date is over, and in the car, Hot Mama says she had fun and amazingly, The Shrew wasn’t being a total bitch. Interestingly, Ken Doll comments that she seemed preoccupied. Yeah, because you were being a total DOUCHEBAG!!! Hot Mama rolls her eyes and looks annoyed. Meanwhile, The Shrew and Invictus take a walk afterwards, hand in hand, while a crazy wind storm rages around them.
Good thing she’s wearing something underneath this particular curtain dress.
The Shrew interviews that Invictus is amazing and everything a girl could want. Could it be that she’s finally letting go of her obsession with Ken Doll? After the way he acted, I wouldn’t be surprised. Invictus says that his heart is racing, and tells her to feel his chest. OMG!!!! YUM!!! Ken Doll drops Hot Mama off with a doggie bag, while The Shrew and Invictus share a sexy, romantic kiss. I LOVE THIS DUDE!!!
DAYUM!!!! You can just tell this dude is a good kisser!
Appropriately enough, after looking like a complete douche, we return to Ken Doll’s charity event, to help redeem him a little bit. Maybe there’s some truth to Dick Stick’s assessment of the situation. Ken Doll feels blessed to have been born into a rich family, and he’s determined to leverage his considerable resources for doing good in the world. He says that he’s excited to make a name for himself within the Dallas charity world. And there you go. Dick Stick was right. Completely self-serving.
I pity these actual charity staff members. I’ve done your job, and I know how difficult it can be working with douchey volunteers.
He meets with random staff to work on logistics for the event. Leatherface and The Shrew show up, and suddenly, a gaggle of people, including Gaylon, are there for what turns out to be a tasting for the event. Basically a free meal. The Shrew interviews that she’s never seen Ken Doll be this charitable before, and it’s a major turn on for her. Yeah, not over her obsession by any means. Poor Invictus. While the caterer is going over the particulars, Dick Stick walks in late, and tension descends on the room. He tells us how fickle the charitable community can be how skeptical he is of Ken Doll’s intentions. Personally, I think the apparent explosion of hair product has caused him temporary insanity.
Someone got intimate with a jar of Pomade, didn’t they?
As the tasting wears on, Ken Doll talks about his desire for people to leave the event inspired. Dick Stick asks about Ken Doll’s time commitment to the charity with regards to volunteering. Good question, and appropriate considering Ken Doll’s response of 15 hours. TOTAL! But Ken Doll has apparently gotten fed up with Dick Stick’s negativity and skeptical scrutiny. He goes on a somewhat emotional tirade about how he’s played with guys from the inner city and he’s seen firsthand how difficult it can be for them to get out of the ghetto. Just ask Vince Howard and Smash Williams.
Ken Doll is completely serious about his own version of Operation Beaver Snatch.
Ken Doll interviews that he’s sick and tired of Dick Stick’s pot-stirring, admitting that he’s not perfect, but he’s doing something that he doesn’t benefit from (which is a very debatable point). The Shrew suggests that the two of them take their drama elsewhere to talk it out so that it doesn’t ruin everyone else’s buzz.
Ken Doll and Dick Stick get up from the table, and immediately Dick Stick lets him know that, after careful consideration, he’s not going to lend his support to Ken Doll’s vanity project.
If you want someone to jerk you off, let’s go to the bathroom. Otherwise, I can’t help you out.
Ken Doll initially handles it well, saying that Dick Stick’s decision is fine, and he doesn’t need his support of Dick Stick doesn’t feel good about it. Dick Stick keeps talking though, explaining that he doesn’t want there to be underlying resentments either if he were to support the project, but not take an active role in it. At this point, Ken Doll snaps, suggesting Dick Stick’s resentment is with him, and not his event. Dick Stick tries to deny that, but Ken Doll won’t let up, and Dick Stick throws his alcoholism in his face and how insensitive Ken Doll is about that. Ken Doll tries to play it off as his way of being friendly and welcoming, by offering drinks, which is even more insensitive. Dick Stick announces that he’ll just take himself out of the equation entirely then. They shake hands, and Dick Stick turns around to go. And not completely out of nowhere, but unexpected nonetheless, Ken Doll goes from 0 to Asshole in 2.4 seconds by offering him another drink before he leaves.
Get the Guiness people on the phone. This has got to be a world record!
That’s worth about 5 shots, folks, because that was probably the meanest thing he could have done. Dick Stick goes off on him, making a scene in the middle of the room while Ken Doll waves him off and sits back down. Gaylon and Leatherface go outside to calm Dick Stick down, but neither says anything, letting Dick Stick rant and rave until the elevator shows up. LOVE THE DRAMA!!!
We just came out here to get some more camera time.
Our weekly in-commercial vignette centers around The Shrew trying to figure out how to change the battery in her fire detector.
You live in an apartment building. Can you just call up the super?
She calls Ken Doll to help her figure it out, but she can’t do it, whining for a boyfriend. Um… you have one, sort of. Call up Invictus, dummy! And while you have him in your bedroom, get him naked!
When we return, it’s time for Leatherface’s doggie jewelry fundraiser/fashion show thing. BORING! She shows up at her friend’s place with Mr. AARP and a couple of rescued dogs in tow. I hope they don’t shit on your friend’s carpet like they did on yours. Interestingly, Ken Doll shows up, and I can’t figure out why. He asks the same way towards the dogs as he did towards Major. Awkward, uncomfortable and disinterested. Leatherface checks in with him regarding the blow up at the tasting, hoping that someone doesn’t end up getting thrown over the balcony. Personally, I’m hoping for just that to happen. Dick Stick or Ken Doll, I really don’t have a preference.
Damn, couldn’t Paws in the City have sprung for a bottle of Windex and a roll of paper towels?
And right on cue, Dick Stick shows up with Twinkie Ex and his sister in tow. Leatherface greets them while Ken Doll stands to the side looking like the Bravo producers made him go to stir up more drama. Ken Doll says hello, and basically gets ignored. He tries to join their circle, but just walks off instead.
aaaaaaand… I’m gonna chicken out
He interviews that he feels bad about what he said to Dick Stick now that he’s had time to reflect on his douchey behavior. Dick Stick calls Ken Doll’s behavior unacceptable, but the more important thing is to support Leatherface and her umpteenth fundraiser for the doggies.
Finally, Ken Doll corners Dick Stick having a smoke on the balcony. They stand around in awkward silence for a bit, and Ken Doll eventually gives in, admitting that what he did wasn’t right and acknowledging how important Dick Stick’s sobriety is to him. He says he’s proud of Dick Stick for not drinking and apologizes for being an insensitive asshat.
So, neither one of you is getting tossed off the balcony? Sad kitty.
Dick Stick forgives him, and proceeds to compare Ken Doll’s offering of alcoholic beverages to Dick Stick offer Ken Doll a cock to suck. Really? I can see how it’s something that neither of them want to do, but unless Ken Doll is a closet homo with some secret locker room experimentation in his past, the analogy really isn’t appropriate. Ken Doll uncomfortably laughs it off, and Dick Stick proceeds to hit on him, saying how gorgeous his eyes are, and that he can see how all the girls fall all over him.
The ego stroking supersedes the homophobia.
Surprisingly, Ken Doll resists the common straight boy urge to punch out a gay dude who makes an unwelcomed advance, excusing himself from Dick Stick’s presence, saying he’s getting a drink and offering to get Dick Stick a water. Apology made, lesson learned, case closed. BORING!
Suddenly, we check in with the disappointingly absent and surprisingly forgotten Baldy McSixPack. He’s gotten VIP passes to a Brad Denning concert (?) so he’s invited the gang over to meet Lucky Ex. Dick Stick and Gaylon show up, followed immediately by the Shrew who likens Lucky Ex to Mother Teresa for pinning down Baldy for so long.
He tried to sleep with me, but you’re #1 in his heart, girlfriend!
Um… really? Baldy plays the player part rather convincingly, but it doesn’t take much to figure out he’s a softy at the core. As soon as Baldy excuses himself, The Shrew immediately asks for the details where the two of them are concerned. She goes for jugular right away, asking Lucky Ex if it was hard for her to visit, seeing as how they’re broken up and everything. Lucky Ex is very grounded about the whole thing, admitting the difficulty in the situation, but wanting to stay close. The Shrew, not one to leave well enough alone, suggests the possibility of them getting back together. Lucky Ex shrugs it off, even though both she and Baldy clearly want that to happen.
But you broke up? Why would you wanna get back together after he hurt you like that? No, I’ve never actually been in a relationship with Ken Doll, so that pain doesn’t count.
The two girls bond over being hopeless romantics, however, Lucky Ex is the Disney fairy tale version, while The Shrew is the Fatal Attraction/Single White Female version.
Fast forward to the concert, and the gang hanging in the VIP area. Ken Doll is with Hot Mama, and Baldy is with Lucky Ex, and the rest go stag. Baldy comes back with a handful of drinks, offering one to Dick Stick. He immediately realizes his mistake and apologizes, comparing himself to Ken Doll.
Must be different when you have a crush on the dude who’s insensitively marginalizing your alcoholism, huh?
However, Dick Stick just laughs it off, telling Baldy he approves of Lucky Ex. Baldy raves about how perfect the night is with Lucky Ex there and all his friends around. Everyone is grooving to the music, having a good time, and Hot Mama dances while Ken Doll watches and drools. The two of them get up close and personal with each other, and off in the distance, The Shrew watches is a mixture of jealousy and mild rage.
I didn’t know that Jennifer Jason Lee lived in Dallas! Oh wait, that’s the Shrew!
She starts bitching to Gaylon about how Ken Doll keeps saying that he doesn’t wanna date Hot Mama, but he’s acting like they’re an item. True enough, although he’s been telling us that he’s making an effort to move in that direction. Then she interviews how frustrated she is because she doesn’t think Hot Mama is the right girl for Ken Doll. That’s because she thinks she’s the only girl for him. Predictable and pathetic at the same time. Finally, Hot Mama goes in for a kiss, and The Shrew looks like she’s about to hurl.
Probably not wise to do this after The Shrew has had a few drinks. Then again, she’s perpetually drunk anyway.
Checking the iPhone for the nearest pet store to purchase a bunny to boil.
Back from the final commercial, we revisit the kiss and The Shrew’s reaction. The concert ends and everyone chills in the VIP area while the venue clears out. Finally, The Shrew remarks that the place is empty and it’s time for them to leave. Ken Doll walks up and puts his arms around her from behind, asking what everyone is doing after. The Shrew, being the party pooper, immediately responds that she’s going home to cry in her pillow after downing an entire pint of Ben and Jerry’s.
Chubby Hubby won’t kiss other girls in front of her.
Dick Stick talks about the obvious sexual tension between the two of them, suggesting that they lock themselves in a room to “deal with the issue.” Translation: fuck like bunnies. The Shrew whines that she wants to go home, and Ken Doll, annoyed with her, tells her to go home. She asks why he’s being a baby, not realizing that she’s the one being a baby. Ken Doll heads down the stairs, and The Shrew goes off in the opposite direction.
Outside the venue, The Shrew is holed up in the car while Ken Doll and Dick Stick ponder what’s crawled up her ass and died a slow agonizing death.
Every domestic fantasy she’s had in the last 5 years. That’s what’s died.
Ken Doll suggests that it’s because she’s not getting enough attention, and Dick Stick points out the 800lb elephant sitting squarely in the middle of this whole show, suggesting it’s because The Shrew is in love with him. Ken Doll laughs as if that’s the craziest thing he’s ever heard.
Is it really all that crazy? Bitch, please!
Hot Mama, sensing something’s up, comes up asking what’s going on, and they both pretend that it was nothing. Everyone climbs into the cars, and they head for home. They make it back to Baldy’s house, and The Shrew promptly says good night and walks off while Ken Doll looks disapprovingly after her, and Hot Mama looks disapprovingly at him.
At what point are you gonna realize that he’s not worth it? Hey, at least the experience will make a decent song for your crappy band to play at coffeehouses.
And that’s it for this week. Finally, we got some good stuff here, worthy of a Bravo reality show! I’m excited for next week, when Dick Stick appears to profess his love for Twinkie Ex and Matt’s charity event goes off, apparently without The Shrew!