Most Eligible: Dallas: The Big D(umb)

Deep in the heart of Texas, our favorite reality TV cable channel dug up 6 single, wealthy, spoiled fame whores and assigned a team of cameramen, writers and directors to follow them around town on their upper class escapades as they search for love, or the drunken equivalent thereof.  But unlike their counterparts in Orange County, Beverly Hills, New York, New Jersey, Atlanta, (now cancelled) Washington DC, or Miami, these particular trust fund babies are southern ladies and gentlemen with good old fashioned family values and manners.  Yeah, if family values means earning your living “working” for the “family business” and if manners means talking shit to someone’s face rather than behind their backs.  Besides the southern drawl, cowboy boots, and ten gallon hats, I’m sure we’re about to learn that rich, entitled asswipes in Texas are really no different from anywhere else is this great nation of ours.  Welcome to Most Eligible: Dallas!

The series opens with ridiculous montage describing our host city.  Dallas, aka the Big “D.”  Other words that begin D:  douchey, dumb, disgusting, debauchery, decadence, diseased, deceitful, delusional, depressing, desperate, difficult, dirty, disaster, decontamination, domineering, doormat, dull, dickwad, ditzy, detestable.  Without seeing anything more, I suspect all these adjectives will come into play at one point or another before this hour is out.  Dallas is flashy, the playground of beautiful women, home of “real men.”

Flashy?  The jury is still out on that one.

All of this is debatable, considering it’s also the home of Jerry Jones, and “America’s Team.”  Too bad the Cowboys suck bull testicles, but I digress.  Apparently, these people are more than just friends… they’re family.  So when they inevitably hook up with each other, it qualifies as incest?  Does that qualify as southern family values in Texas?  We know it does in the back woods of Georgia, Arkansas and West Virginia.

I guess we start to meet the cast.  The blond girl throws a drink over her shoulder because that’s how she does shots.  Everyone laughs except for the dude who paid for the shot, realizing that he won’t be getting her drunk enough to take advantage of her.  The brunette girl jokes about how guys are intimidated by her because she’s funny, when in actuality, they’re probably intimidated by your raccoon eyes.

Can you see the duffel bags under her eyes in this picture?

The bald hottie, wearing a douchey fedora, talks about how important fitness is to him as we see him kicking a football, doing chin-ups underneath a staircase, and ripping his shirt off in a bar while being egged on by the crowd.

Let’s call him Baldy McSixPack

Blondie defines what it means to be a Dallas girl.  Blond hair, blue eyes, big boobs.  What she left out: leathery skin poorly hidden by too much makeup.

Let’s call her Ms. Leatherface

After a few shots of really expensive cars, the gay dude, who made fun of Ms. Leatherface for bringing her iPad to the countryside and who chanted for Baldy McSixPack to get naked in the bar, tells us that he’s not your stereotypical gay dude, despite the trademark gay lisp dominating his voice.

Let’s call him Dick Stick.

Then we see him take a drag off a cigarette like a gay man trying to act straight.

We get another blond, clearly younger and more attractive, who tells us that she’s not gonna date assholes.  That’s followed up with a scene of her shutting down a decent looking dude.

I guess this dude is an asshole.  Ladies, be warned!

Then the brunette tells us that she’s a slave to vanity, and we see her fishing for compliments from the dude she’s with.  She calls herself a Texas Starlet with her big hair, big jewelry and big attitude.  I wonder if all of that is to distract people from noticing those big bags under her eyes.

Whatever those pads are, they ain’t working, honey.  Try something else, like surgery.

Meanwhile, the final guy in our cast, who looks like a real life Ken Doll, tells us that there’s nothing he can’t do in this town.  They cut to a scene of him at a table with three women, wishing aloud that they were all in a hot tub instead.  Then he challenges people to hate on him for being a trashy player.

Let’s call him Ken Doll.

Are they the most eligible group in Dallas?  Brunette Girl answers, “Without a doubt!” A juice head, a flaming queen, a plastic faced douchbag, an overtanned pre-cancerous princess, a bitter old maid, and a respectable blond.  One in 6 qualifies.

After the theme, we’re met with flashbulbs going off from the paparazzi on the red carpet at some random event.  Tara (Ms. Leatherface) works the crowd with a fur wrapped gaysian in tow.

Guest Starring: George Takai!!!

She tells us that she’s quintessential Texas, and when she goes to Europe, everyone asks, “Who shot JR?”  HAHAHA!!! His sister-in-law shot him, stupid Eurotrash.  Apparently, in Dallas, everyone goes to the charity events instead of bars and clubs.  Because what better way to justify whoring it up than by feeding hungry orphans in Africa while you do it.

Meanwhile, Glenn (Baldy McSixPack) is always on the prowl.  He’s hitting on a chick with tattoos and piercings galore, who asks him if he’s a Christian.

Too bad… I’m Wiccan.  Get lost, douche.

Hilariously, he tells her that he goes to Mass every Sunday.  HAHAHAHA!!!  Since when did that turn into a pick-up line?  He lays out his strategy for working a room, and we see him hitting on another girl. If at first you don’t succeed, brush off the rejection and work those tired pick up lines again.  Then he tells us that he gets boners from watching Family Feud.

Who needs porn when you have the Game Show Network!

Looks like a stint on Celeb Rehab for sex addiction is in his near future.  Finally, we see him hitting on a third chick.  Dude, just buy a fleshlight and call it a day.

We check in with Matt (Ken Doll), who manages to surround himself with women despite his awkward, robotic demeanor.  Apparently, you don’t have to be charismatic or charming with a bulge like his, and by bulge, I mean wallet, because his supersized ego betrays a less than average phallic endowment, me thinks.

Pay no attention to the fact that I’m not anatomically correct.

He considers himself a “total package,” which would make him very successful on the kiddie pageant circuit.  In life, it doesn’t matter, because he works in his family’s energy business.  And by works, he means draws a humungous salary for doing basically nothing.  Must be nice, dickwad.

Courtney, the brunette, tells us that Dallas is such a small big city where you’re constantly bumping into the same city, and everyone fucks everyone else.  You know why that is?  Because you travel in the same small circles of uber-rich, uber-snotty people at the same social events and exclusive clubs and restaurants where your average people can’t even afford to walk in front of.

This person has slept with that person, who slept with this other person… but no one wants to sleep with me.  Why is that?

She goes through an elaborate 6 Degrees of (sexual) Kevin Bacon, with the road ending up at church camp, which only furthers my belief that the most religious people are also the biggest freaks in bed.  Having gone to catholic school through 12^th grade, I know of which I speak.

She recognizes how incestuous it all is, which segues nicely into a discussion of her BFF, Ken Doll.  They’ve never hooked up, and they’ll never hook up because they’re like brother and sister.  Ken Doll concurs, basically saying that he’s just not into her that way.  Clearly, Courtney has never heard of the friend zone.  They’re talking to some random dude, and she self identifies as the only woman in Dallas that Ken Doll hasn’t kissed or screwed.

But she clearly wants him to.

She should consider herself lucky, because if that’s the case, he’s probably crawling with more disease than the CDC.  Ken Doll goes on to rave about her various personality traits, and we all know what’s implied when someone talks about the guy/girl with the great personalities… Courtney, however, eats it all up, wrapping herself around his waist and gazing upon him with great affection.  Girl, get a clue.

Courtney proceeds to tell us about how her last relationship ended—during the countdown on New Years Eve.  HAHAHA!!!  That sucks, but hey, New Year’s Eve is all about starting over and wiping the slate clean.  I’ve never heard of such a literal interpretation of that before.  Then again, the random boyfriend was probably tired of hearing all the different way he should be more like her BFF Ken Doll.  Looking like a raccoon/beaver-toothed hybrid would be enough for me to break up with her.  Then again, for me, having a vagina is a huge deal breaker, regardless.

Next, we get to learn more about Ms. Leatherface.  During the day, she’s Executive VP of Not Working for her family’s company.  But in her spare time, she moonlights as Cruella Deville for her charity, Paws in the City.

It’s because my skin looks less leathery when I’m surrounded by dogs.

She has a HUGE passion for animals, eclipsing her apparent love for Clorox and Hawaiian Tropic (I’m accepting offers for recap sponsorship…. Corporate marketing departments, hit me up).  A puppy tries to escape, but she quickly scoops him up.  Their mission: to rescue dogs and find them lovely (i.e. palatial) forever homes.  There’s nothing that Ms. Leatherface wouldn’t do to save dogs, which apparently includes breaking into crack houses and walking over strung out losers.  I wasn’t aware that homeless crackheads kept dogs as pets, but since I’ve never seen an actual crack house, I’ll defer to her “expertise.”  She takes a bunch of dogs home, including a beautiful black dog named Shaniqua.  HAHAHAHA!!!!

Put a scarf on my head and call me Aunt Jemima.

However, Ms. Leatherface betrays her own racist tendencies, calling her name unacceptable.  She piles them in her car and takes them to find their forever homes.

She actually takes them to her house in the lovely neighborhood of Preston Hollow.  That name sounds every bit as pretentious as it clearly is, and I covet hate it immediately.

Criminals, take heed.  Dress up like a cameraman and rob these people BLIND!

Then I find out she lives two blocks away from George W. and I throw up a little in my mouth.  Upon further contemplation, however, it can’t be that all that bad.  After all, she does mention the constant presence of secret service agents.  YUM!!!  And she’s still single, how?  Oh right, she looks like a horse’s saddle.

Dubya doesn’t know whether to hug her or stroke her mane.

She talks about how her mom is way into charity work too, but she’s very private about her philanthropy.  Hint to Ms. Leatherface:  that’s probably because she doesn’t use it as status symbol.  She greets Maria, her Mexican Housekeeper ™, in the kitchen, where she’s peeling sweet potatoes to cook food FOR THE DOGS.

No complaints from MexKeeper… she’s probably getting paid very well to indulge Leatherface’s insanity.

Look, I know that you’re rich, but these dogs were abused and mistreated.  A can of Alpo is as good as a filet mignon to them.

Gregg, another of Tara’s fags, walks in.  He’s a fashionista hag, looking unwashed, unshaven and ungroomed, but in that way fashionista gays always seem to.  I’m basing that opinion on the contestants I’ve seen competing on Project Runway, the Fashion Show, Shear Genius, etc.  He chastises her for taking in another dog, and she tells him she took home 4.

Girl, you so crazee!

He looks at her with a mixture of disbelief as she picks up Shaniqua and goes on another racist rant about her name while I wonder where the rest of the dogs are.  Getting measured to be skinned, perhaps?  Now I’m getting a Silence of the Lambs vibe from her.  Couldn’t she just get a fur coat and leave the poor animals alone?  As dirty and ugly as Gregg looks, I kinda love him a little for pointing out Ms. Leatherface’s insanity as she insists that MexKeeper ™ WANTS to cook for the dogs.  She also proceeds to serve them on china.  She does, however, put Gregg’s skills to good use, making him blow on the food to cool it off for the dogs. HAHAHA!!!

The things you have to do to get your “fashions” on TV, right?

Ms. Leatherface tells us that she’s been engaged 4 times, but never pulled the trigger.  Either that, or the guys escaped their cages and fled the country.  Considering that one of them was named Sweetie, she probably treats her men like pets anyway.  Looks like someone saw Runaway Bride, and mistook it for relationship advice.  She’s determined to be single right now and date around.

Meanwhile, Courtney joins Ken Doll, Baldy McSixPack and some random other dude for breakfast.  Courtney rips on Ken Doll for reading the newspaper at the table, calling him a poser, but really, she’s upset that he’s not paying her any attention.

Yet, no one seems to notice the poser sitting next to Ken Doll in yet another douchey hat.

They talk about how much fun the charity event was, but Courtney laments that she’s never going to meet her soulmate at places like that.  She would rather have one of them hook her up with one of their friends.  Baldy McSixPack says that he’s tried to do that twice, and she just rolls her eyes at him and complains that she wasn’t getting set up with Ken Doll. That’s when Ken Doll, feeling her trying to play footsie with him under the table, goes on a rant extolling the advantages of living the playboy lifestyle and not wanting a relationship right now.

High Five for the Single Life!

He calls her out on being 29 and single, suggesting that maybe she should try something different, like washing the stench of old maid desperation off of her.

This prompts Courtney to interview how she thought she’d be married by now with a bajillion kids and dogs and a house with a picket fence.  Somewhere, Ellen Greene is singing Somewhere That’s Green.  She doesn’t have a checklist for her ideal mate, then she goes on to check off all the criteria for her ideal mate:  tall, JFK Jr. hair, funny, from a southern family, left Texas for a while but coming back to settle down and start a family, plays golf and wears polo shirts, has a globe in his office given to him by his mentor, wears suits and cowboy boots, has a dog with a manly name like Butch or Duke.  Seriously?!?!?!

Let’s call her The Shrew

Good luck trying to find a man with all the criteria you’ve listed.  Unless you were just describing Ken Doll, and we just don’t know it yet.  Which is exactly what Baldy tells us in an interview clip.  They fight like an old married couple.  They also don’t have sex like an old married couple.  The Shrew tries to play it off, claiming to be open to meeting guys in all kinds of situations.  Baldy makes sure to advice that she doesn’t wear her desperation to get married like a cheap celebrity perfume.  That’s the ultimate boner-shrinker to a bachelor.

Time to check in with our requisite gay, Drew.  He lives in a penthouse apartment in one of the most prestigious buildings in uptown Dallas with a view he describes as a “pantydropper.”  Um, you’re gay, dude.

Yes, a self-hating gay with an irrational need to appear straight.

Guess his type is twinky crossdressers?  Then he’s on the phone with room service ordering a chicken Caesar salad and a pot of coffee.  When prompted, he informs the butler (?) that he takes his coffee like he takes his men—BLACK!  HAHAHA!!!  Guess I was wrong?  Looks like he’s a size queen and a bottom.  Then he orders French fries for the dog.  UM…. Someone call Ms. Leatherface to get over there and save this dog.  Apparently, he’s lazy because whatever he needs, he presses “buddens.”  He also has a very prounced gay lisp which probably treated him well growing up in Texas.  Then we’re treated to a clip of his taking his pants off.

We learn one very important thing here—he stuffs his tighty whiteys, because no white boy has a bulge that big.

However, Dick Stick used to be 400lbs.  He tells us that he had a gastric bypass, followed by a tummy tuck, followed by a chest reduction.

Or he could have tried Weight Watchers.

He says he feels good having lost half his weight, but there’s still room for improvement.  And now, he injects himself with female hormones to stay thin.

Heroin would probably have achieved the same end-result.  Just saying.

I hope he’s seeing a therapist for what appears to be a pretty severe case of body dysplasia, or whatever.  Also, I wonder if we’ll ever see him shirtless.  I’m curious to know what kind of scars he has from all the surgeries.

Dick Stick tells us that he works for his family business selling extravagant cars to Dallas’ rich and spoiled.  People ask him how can he be gay when he sells cars.  Because gay people can’t be salesmen?  Gay people can’t be mechanical?  Gay people can’t have an interest in and knowledge of cars?  Then he picks up the page of script handed to him by the directors, and says that he’s broken the “motherfuckin” mold all his life.  Yeah, because you used to be fat, and now you’re just annoying.  Case in point, he takes a fake drag off a cigarette like those prissy girls in college who were just smoking to look cool and edgy and to fit in, but weren’t actually smoking, and he proceeds to exhales like a true queer.

Let it go, buddy.  No one EVER thought you were straight.

How is it possible to hate a fellow homo so much so quickly?  He tells us that he’s single and dating around right now, because he doesn’t wanna be the 60 year old queen sitting in a bar with an oxygen tank hoping to find a twink to take care of him for the night.  WOW!  Just…. Wow.  HAAAAAAAAAAATE!

Luckily, I can drown out Dick Stick’s awfulness by staring at Baldy McSixPack’s bare chest.  He takes a meeting with his trainer.

Who else wants a peek into his closet to see just how many hats this guy has?

He tells us that he’s been an NFL punter with about half the teams in the league, which basically means that he sucks.  Then again, his role is to kick the football.  He’s not exactly a vital part of any team.  Because of his age and lack of talent the NFL lockout, he’s decided to break into fitness modeling.  Yeah, because that’s a longer term career option than professional sports.  His trainer, with a foreign accent, reads my mind and tells him to take his shirt off.  Despite the douchey tattoos, Baldy McSixPack is RIPPED!  The trainer chuckles while looking long and hard at his body, calling him chubby.  HAHAHAHA!!!

More like, you’ve got a chubby.  Oh wait, that’s me.  Pause while I readjust myself.  Ok, I’m good now.

They talk about all the junk food Baldy eats, but the trainer dude can’t take his eyes off of Baldy.  I know the feeling, trust me.  Baldy’s vice is donuts.  The trainer reaches across the desk and fondles Baldy as they discuss what he needs to do in order to make it big in modeling.  Gay porn is another option… just saying.

Ms. Leatherface and Dick Stick meet up for drinks, and by virtue of having a penis, Dick Stick gives in to conventional gender roles and opens the door for Ms. Leatherface.  Guess there wasn’t a “budden” to press?  He jokes with her about her humungous purse, as she pulls out a monster can of hair spray.

This segment is brought to you by AquaNet.

This segues into Ms. Leatherface talking about big hair in Texas.  You know what else is bigger in Texas?  The hole in the ozone layer directly above it.  She informs us of Big Hair Day in Texas, which is a national observance.  Oh right, because Texas is a different country.  Gotcha.  Dumbass. Ms. Leatherface orders a glass of California Chardonnay, wanting to be patriotic.  She’d drink Texas wine if she could, and Dick Stick throws up at the thought.  Psst…. It’s called BEER.  Leatherface tries to drum up support for the great state of Texas, but Dick Stick doesn’t give two shits.

Don’t mess with Texas, bitch.

Shocked, Leatherface tries to bond with him over hot Texas men, but Dick Stick disagrees, identifying his type as laid-back surfer dudes.  I wish he’d just move to California, then, and get the fuck off my TV.  He interviews about his decision to come out, saying that being gay just felt right… unless he went to church.  I hate to break it to you, Dick Stick, but everyone at your church probably already knew.

Especially if this is what you look like when you laugh.

Then, he contradicts himself, saying he doesn’t have a type, as long as there’s a strong physical attraction.  He thinks that guys are into him for his last name, but he hopes that guys like him for being “Drew.”  Sorry to break it to you, Dick Stick, but the only way a guy could ever be interested in you is for your money.  After their obligatory drink mandated by the production company, they leave the restaurant.  Leatherface demands he open the doors for her again, and Dick Stick bitchily retorts, “Age before beauty.”  Two Jersey Shore-esque toolbags with fake tans and streaked fauxhawks approach Leatherface as they get into their SUV, asking is she wants to have a drink with them.

Can’t say as I blame her.  These dudes make the guys on the Jersey Shore look almost sophisticed.

She disses them, calling them Guido Von Deuchies, which is actually rather appropriate and equally hilarious.  Clearly, they’re not from Texas.

It takes a lot of work to look this fake.

Night falls on Dallas, and Ken Doll is getting ready to go out.  He interviews that never goes out looking to hook up.  His advice is to be yourself, know what your goal is, but not to force it.  In other words, rape is bad.  He calls up The Shrew to join him at the club, but she’s not feeling it.  But she’ll suck it up to hang out with him.

Is it just me, or does she look like Mo Collins from MadTV?

When he’s sufficiently plastic looking, he gets in his car and heads out to the club.  As he’s driving, he calls up about half a dozen other women to meet him there.  Ashley, Brittnye, Kathy, and Lori, to name a few.

Actual name or post-production typo?  Discuss…

Edited into this is The Shrew primping for her crush and interviewing that she’s Ken Doll’s go-to girl, which is obviously not the case.  Girl is headed for yet another major disappointment.  Meanwhile, Ken Doll pats himself on the back for his unique ability to step out with a big group of girls.

The Shrew hates clubs because of all the competition she has to contend with for Ken Doll’s attention, but she always gives in.  The Shrew’s friend has a major jones for Baldy McSixPack, who goes to the bar for drinks.  While he’s gone, they gossip about him.  The Shrew makes fun of his fedora, but then they both agree that they can’t help staring at his chest.  Ken Doll arrives with his harem in tow, saying he tries not to do the one-on-one thing because it’s wasted time.  Why fuck one chick when you can fuck three, or five, or tag team 15 chicks with a buddy.  Classy!  Ken Doll doesn’t wanna come off like a player, but you just identified yourself as one, jackass.

It’s like a clown car for blondes.

The Shrew notices the harem and her claws come out immediately.  She sits there and sulks while girls grind up on Ken Doll, and the true Mean Girl comes out as she bad mouths the train of hoes in their cheap dresses, plastic heels and fake boobs.  Hint to The Shrew:  Ken Doll wants an orgy, not a wifey.  Adjust accordingly.  She bitches to Ken Doll about the hoe who dared to sit down at HER table, and Ken Doll claims that she’s just a friend.  Finally, The Shrew has had enough and storms off.

Unless you wanted me to… I’d do anything for you….

Ken Doll’s reaction is all like WHATEVER!  I’d let her leave too.  Someone really needs to shake this girl and tell her that HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!  It’s a movie… rent it.

The next day, Baldy McSixPack goes on his modeling portfolio photo shoot.  The cute photographer suggests starting with some fashion shots and then move outside for the nudes.  He interviews that he feels like he’s just a natural born poser, and the double entendre is not lost on me.  He talks about how he knows how good looking he is, or some shit like that, but I’m not really paying attention to what he’s saying right now.

Blah blah blah, pecs, blah blah blah, abs, blah blah blah, biceps, blah blah blah square jaw and come-fuck-me eyes.

He’s recently out of a 4 year relationship and he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now.  Finally, he splashes himself with water from the pool.  YUM!

Suddenly, it’s nighttime again, and The Shrew goes to visit Ken Doll at his house.  They have small talk about work, and we learn that she manages a sunglasses store that generates over a million a year in revenue.  Apparently, her talent is picking out the perfect pair of sunglasses for every face.  She’s the Olivander of sunglasses.  Yawn, who cares.  They sit down at a table with glasses of wine and they’re both hunched over their phones.  I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re texting each other from across the table.  Sad how technology has ruined the social skills of an entire generation.  After joking about how she can’t get service in his house, she brings up the blond parade from the club the other night.  Like the obsessed, possessive old maid that she is, she scolds him not paying enough attention to her.  Ken Doll feigns ignorance as to how to fix it, because he’s basically not going to change.

Then, the best conversation ever occurs.  The Shrew brings up a “hypothetical.”  Let’s say “a girl” comes around who thinks he’s fantastic, but she’s relegated to the role of “spectator” to all of his “escapades.”  Eventually, “she” is going to realize that he’s just a player and dip off.  If Ken Doll doesn’t realize that she’s talking about herself here, he’s really just a dumb, plastic figurine.  But it gets better.  The dude who was just advocating for orgies responds that being called a player is offensive to him because he’s always been upfront about his intentions towards women, and he’s not playing games.

Exactly, Courtney.  EXACTLY!

The Shrew rolls her eyes, along with the rest of this show’s audience right now.  He extrapolates that he had 15 girls that night, and they were all friends, and he genuinely cares about each and every bimbo who was hanging off his jock that night.

See the crucifix hanging on the wall over his shoulder there? He can’t possibly be a player.

The Shrew is all like, BITCH, PLEASE!  And then, as if this scene couldn’t get any better, Ken Doll tries to explain that he’s this way because the girl he wanted to marry broke up with him and he was hurt.  He says, and I quote, “It was almost the first time in life I didn’t get what I wanted.”  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  So, in other words, you fuck around with all kinds of women because some chick “broke his heart” and there’s no pain worse than that and he doesn’t want to be the cause of that kind of pain for anyone else.  Except he’s doing just that with The Shrew right now.  Granted, it’s her own damn fault, but the irony is still delicious.

Bravo’s trademark in-episode vignette has Baldy and Leatherface visiting Dick Shift at his dealership while he explains all the different crude nicknames for a stick shift—Dick in the Floor, John Holmes, etc.  Dick Shift is all about cars… if you wanna talk fashion, he says, go find another queer.  DONE!  Oh wait, we still have to put up with your annoying bullshit.  They drool over a million dollar Ferrari, and Leatherface lets us know that she learned how to “drive” in cars like this.  And by drive, she means use the stick shift.

Back from commercial, everyone gets ready to go out, and they gather at a Sushi bar.

Um… doesn’t Courtney have stock in the Bump It or something?

Baldy McSixPack invites them all up to Napa Valley, where the Raiders have their training camp, assuming that you won’t get traded to Green Bay or Minnesota.  No one wants to go there.  The Shrew compliments Dick Shift on his impressive weight loss, asking what his secret is for staying thin.  If they were actual friends, she would know this already. So, either they’re “friends” for the sake of this show, or the showrunner just yelled action after telling them what they should be talking about.  He tells them about his hormone injections, joking that he can produce a positive pregnancy test.

I’m surprised one of them doesn’t have an EPT in their purse.

The Shrew and Leatherface get all giddy, as if watching him pee on a stick is some impressive magic trick.  Thank you, Bravo, for not using that footage for the vignette.

Suddenly, everyone notices that Ken Doll isn’t there, and we cut to him helping a girl in amazing stripper heels out of his car.  Finally, we meet Neill, our 6^th castmate.  They walk into the restaurant, and everyone looks on while he introduces her.

The parade of blondes continues.

The Shrew is clearly not pleased with this latest blond hanging off her man’s arm, especially after their heart-to-heart convo the other night.  Neill is a native of Dallas who is just now moving back from LA, where she and Ken Doll met.  He says that they’ve been friends for 5 years, and The Shrew can’t hold back the venum, asking if they’ve been JUST friends.

Maybe I should just dye my hair blonde?

Neill clues in to the Shrew’s true nature as awkwardness and tension falls over the table.

Dick Stick interviews that the Shrew obviously has a thing for Ken Doll, and that she’s jealous of any girl that he’s “wiff.”  Cut to the Shrew angrily rubbing her neck as Ken Doll toasts her return to Dallas and remarks on how beautiful she looks.  Neill starts talking about the new band she’s starting in Dallas, and Ken Doll raves about her beautiful voice.  Hilariously, he throws The Shrew a bone, bringing up the fact that she can sing too.  Then, Neill reveals that she has a one-year old son named Major (really?!?!?!?), and The Shrew’s eyebrows pop up.  She interviews that she’s a 23-year-old single mom who knows that you can have fun, a career and a child all at the same time, calling herself a Hot Young Mama.  She seems spunky and strong and REAL!!!  I like this chick!

Let’s call her Hot Mama.

Who doesn’t like Neill…. THE SHREW!  Back at the table, she asks Neill if she’s always been a single mom, or was there a time when her kid had 2 parents.  Awkwardness returns, but Hot Mama handles herself remarkably, saying she left the baby daddy when the kid was 5 months old.  She relies on help, but she loves being a mom, making sure she balances it out with grown-up time.  The Shrew is being all judgmental from across the table.  Finally, the gays try to change the subject, talking about wanting to adopt a kid and give it a forever home.  Leatherface jumps in, yelling that forever homes are for dogs, and gays shouldn’t be allowed to adopt.  Actually, she wonders if the gays are ready to give up their whole lives to take responsibility for a kid.  At least with dogs, you don’t actually have to wipe their asses.  The Shrew jumps on board, saying that you can’t just go out on random weeknights (like this one) to go out and party.

Please, Neill, jump across the table and slap a bitch.

Hot Mama looks incredibly offended, but when prompted, she keeps her composure, educating everyone at the table that you can, indeed, go out and have fun, and still be a parent… you just have to schedule it.

The Shrew then asks how many nights off a week Hot Mama gets from her parenting duties.  DAMN!!!  The passive aggression here is overwhelming!  To the camera, she tells us that she wants a family, and she’s irritated when she sees someone who has that who is also OUT WITH KEN DOLL!!!  Right now, Hot Mama possesses everything that The Shrew wants but doesn’t have.  This is gonna get real bad real fast, and I CAN’T WAIT!!!  Meanwhile, Hot Mama recognizes the bullshit aimed at her, and calls it unnecessary and obnoxious.  And the whole time, Ken Doll sits there and says NOTHING like the complete douchebag that he is.  Hot Mama talks about finding the balance between motherhood and getting a break from it, which is really important too.  Finally, Ken Doll jumps in to toast old and new friends.  The Shrew sits there looking miserable while Hot Mama excuses herself from the table to use the powder room.

In her absence, Ken Doll assures everyone that they’re gonna love Hot Mama, and Dick Shift announces his approval, as if that mattered.  The Shrew, however, comments that she needs to be at home with her child.

Please, Baldy, reach over and slap a bitch.

And immediately, Baldy McSixPack calls her a hypocrite.  I don’t know how that’s being hypocritical, seeing as how The Shrew doesn’t have a kid, but at least he’s right on target, calling her out for behaving like a nasty bitch.  The Shrew tries to explain it away, saying she’d never go out with strangers on her ONE NIGHT OFF from being a mom.  She’d spend it with her very best GIRLFRIENDS, because god forbid Hot Mama have a guy friend, much less HER BEST GUY FRIEND.  Ah, so there’s the hypocracy.  Got it.

To the camera, The Shrew complains about being attacked in the restaurant when she didn’t think it was appropriate for her to be out WITH KEN DOLL, drinking and having a good time.  HOW DARE SHE?!?!?  At the table, she argues that she takes motherhood very seriously and she’s entitled to her opinion.  And by opinion, she means judgment.  When Hot Mama returns, The Shrew downs her glass of wine and storms out yet again.  Everyone sits there looking uncomfortable.  The gang follows her lead, and they all move outside?  The Shrew pours her heart out to Leatherface about how Ken Doll always has a new girl around.  Across the patio, Baldy and Ken Doll gossip about how awful The Shrew was towards Neill.  Suddenly, Ken Doll has a minor epiphany, wondering if the Shrew is upset that someone else is now in the picture.  BINGO!  Someone get the man a prize.

Baldy proves more insightful and perceptive than suggested by his amazing body and hat fetish, asking if they used to date, and Ken Doll reveals that they did, a little bit.  Suddenly, the Shrew drags her drunk ass over and sits on Ken Doll’s lap while Baldy calls her out on how much of a hard time she was giving Neill. She tries convince them that Neill should be spending her night out with NOT KEN DOLL, and the boys yell at her that she doesn’t have any other friends in Dallas because she JUST MOVED BACK.

If I had a child, I wouldn’t have to go out, because Ken Doll would be the baby daddy, and at home WITH ME!

The Shrew is suddenly speechless because she knows that they’re right.  She begs to not be attacked, because they don’t have children either, and they don’t know what the nurturing, maternal instinct feels like.  Psst, NEITHER DO YOU!!!  Then she runs off to the bathroom to cry, followed by Leatherface, who looks none too pleased having to comfort The Shrew and validate her hurt feelings.

Why can’t I have that?  It’s not like I’m a shrew or anything.

At least she’s self aware enough to recognize that she’s jealous of Hot Mama being a mom, although she stops just short of identifying Ken Doll as the object of her baby daddy fantasies.  Then she puffs out her chest for being traditional, wanting things to go from engagement to marriage to parenthood, saying “That is SO TEXAN!”  However, I just think she’s once again judging Neill for having a kid out of wedlock, we assume, and leaving the baby daddy.  And Leatherface just feeds directly into her delusions, agreeing with her warped disapproval of Hot Mama.

Let the Love Triangle Begin!

The night, and the episode, ends with Hot Mama going home with Ken Doll and The Shrew going home alone.  She tries to convince us that she’s not concerned about Neill stealing Ken Doll’s “friendship” away from her, but the camera cuts to the dashboard cam as Ken Doll drives Neill home, flirting with her the whole time.  Yeah, this is gonna get real good, real fast!

This season, on Most Eligible: Dallas…. More partying, expensive cars, more flirting, dog stealing, horseback riding, professions of love, cock blocking, love triangles, Shrew tears, gay tears, babies, arguments, confessions, fireworks, and DRAMA!