Moviegasm: Coming Soon! Ig’nant Predictions

Recaps

By WaffleBoy | Monday, March 26, 2012 | 9:55 pm | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps

You know Gasmi, you should never make an uniformed decision. Unless  you are writing about upcoming movies that you know almost absolutely nothing about, then you should feel free to shoot from the hip. Do you see how easy life can when you make up the rules as you go along? Why else do you think your boss is always in a good mood? Anyway, what we are going today is try to spot the movies coming out this year that seem like they might stink like some fancy schamancy gourmet cheese.

Please keep in mind that I’d like to make it through this post with me getting a repetitive stress injury so we aren’t going to talk about every bad movie coming out this year.  There’s a new Twilight movie coming out, and Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler will both be using our collective bad taste like an ATM machine this year. If you like these movies, you’ll go and see them, no harm, no foul. However, if say you’ve wished it was legal to hunt Adam Sandler from a helicopter (and this isn’t an endorsement, but in a Palin administration it would be legal to hunt everything from a helicopter) then you know enough to stay away, so there is no need to talk about these movies

We are going to be talking about 12 movies that really jumped out at me while glancing at the schedule of upcoming movies for the year and said “this is 10 dollars and  90 minutes of your life you’re never getting back.” Okay, enough of the intro-ing and on to the bad stuff. We’ll go in order by their release dates

 

Three Stooges

Release Date 4/13

Starring Chris Diamantopoulos, Sean Hayes, and Will Sasso

Plot: While trying to save their childhood orphanage, the stooges stumble into a murder plot, and end up with their own reality show.

Why this could be terrible: The original cast was cast was supposed to be Benicio del Torro, Sean Penn, and Jim Carrey, and they ended up with Chris Long Last Name, Just Jack from Will and Grace (who is probably the best guy in the cast), and Will fucking Sasso. Add to that, that the cast of Jersey Shore shows up for the third act of the movie. This doesn’t feel like a train wreck, it feels like Wheels of Tragedy from driver’s ed. It’s too bad, The Farelley Brothers have been working on this project for over 10 years, and I’d love to see them have a hit. Too bad this isn’t that movie.

 Well that shouldn’t be a challenge. Wait, they said Moe

 

 

Think Like a Man

Release Date: 4/20

Starring: Kevin Hart, Michael Early, Taraji P. Henson, Jerry Ferrera, Megan Good, Regina Hall, Jennifer Lewis

Plot: A group of men realize that the women in their life are on to all of their tricks after reading Steve Harvey’s book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, and scheme to turn the tables on them.

Why This Could Be Terrible: Well, if you are part of this movie’s target audience of Steve Harvey’s literary agent or Steve Harvey’s mom it’s going to be the movie you’ve been waiting all year for. Otherwise, You’ve got a movie based on a Steve Harvey book with Turtle from Entourage in one of the leads

Apparently when they gave Turtle lipo they also sucked all the joy out of him

 

LOL

Release Date 5/04

Starring: Miley Cyrus, Demi Moore

Plot: A remake of a French movie about a rebellous 15-year-old experimenting with drugs and sex, while oblivious single mother tries to move on from her D-I-O-V-O-R-C-E.

Why this movie could be terrible: Okay, they are remaking a French movie with Hanna Montana and that older lady who we found out luvvvvvvvvs her some Rediwhip. If I might get a little Socratic on your butt, just what about this movie is giving you a good feeling about shelling out ten bucks?

Whenever I doubt the existence of God, I just look at Demi Moore’s forehead in this picture and I am reminded of the miracle of Photoshop

 

Battleship

Release Date: 5/18

Starring: Alexander Skarsgard, Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Rhianna

Plot: Based on the popular board game. Also has aliens.

Why This Could Be Terrible: Based on a popular board game. Also has aliens. On the other hand if you like sitting in a dark room and looking at pretty people this might be the movie for you. It’s still okay to wear a raincoat to the movie theater in May, right?

 

Okay, They’ve got Rhianna firing a minigun. I love that, but not in the way the director would like me to love it

 

 

What To Expect When You Are Expecting

Release Date: 5/18

Starring: Camron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Brooklyn Decker

Plot: Based on the reference book for expecting parents. It’s a comedy about couples going through the process of childbirth

Why This Could Be Terrible: You mean aside from the fact it’s a comedy based on a reference book? how about because Brooklyn Decker is in it, and the only other movie she was in before this one and Battleship, Just Go With It, earned her a Golden Razzie. It you need someone to have their boobs almost fall out of a bra, you call Brooklyn Decker. Want to be entertained? You call Meryl Streep. And whatever you do, never get those two options confused.

She’s carrying it high. I think that means it will be a bomb. Boy, I mean boy!

 

 

GI Joe: Retaliation

Release Date: 5/28

Starring: Channing Tatum, Ray Park, The Rock, and a bunch of other people

Plot: Apparently it all evolves from the plot of the first movie. Bet you’re wishing you had paid more attention now, huh?

Why This Could Be Terrible: Well on the non-terrible front, the screenplay is written by the guys who wrote Zombieland. Then again it’s the sequel to a movie that was based on a cartoon that was based on a toyline, and and that’s pretty much the pedigree of the Transformer franchise.

 

 

 

Resident Evil: Retribution

Release Date: 9/14

Starring: Milla Jovovitch

Plot: Alice continues her never ending battle against the UMBRELLA Corporpation, but in this one she finds out something about her back story that blows her mind.

Why This Could Be Terrible: In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that I really like looking at Milla Jovovitch.  That little fact goes a long ways towards explaining why I have seen all of her movies. As for this movie, well Paul WS Anderson is directing and he directed the first two movies in the series and they were pretty good/not that bad, but on the other hand the last two movies in the Resident Evil franchise were really, really, really, no fucking fooling terrrible. It doesn’t matter, I’m probably going to see it. Say, is there any chance of me borrowing that raincoat you wore to Battleship?

Look at her. She doesn’t have any pores. I think she sweats through the balls of her feet

 

Taken 2

Release Date: 10/05

Plot: It turns out the father of one of the army of scuzzballs that Liam Neeson killed in the first movie is a bit grudgy and takes Liam Neeson and his wife hostage on a family vacation in Istambul. Liam Neeson then cracks open the whoop-ass can, and hi jinks ensue.

Why This Movie Could Be Terrible:   It probably won’t. I just enjoyed the premise of the first movie so much, (middle-aged dad goes completely apeshit when Eurotrash kidnap his teenage daughter, and then after he rescues her, he gets his Lil’ Pumpkin singing lessons from super X-tina like pop star. In other words, BEST DAD EVAH!) that I don’t anything to mess up that memory. Have you ever gone out with someone who wanted you to never change your hairstyle or how you dress from the day you first met? I’m am that guy. Still on the market by the way.

 

 

I Do

Release Date: 11/19

Starring: Robert De Niro, Dianne Keaton, Robin Williams, Katherine Hegal

Plot: D-I-V-O-R-C-E-d couple (Robert De Niro and Dianne Keaton) pretend to be married at their child’s wedding

Why This Could Be Terrible: Did you look at the stars in this movie? Think about the movies they’ve been in lately, and then the odds of this one being any good. Best argument for reading this year.


I couldn’t find a poster for I Do, so I used one from one of DiNiro’s good movies. Also, Jody Foster played a child prostitute in this movie, so why does she look so happy on the poster?

 

Red Dawn

Release Date:11/12

Starring: A bunch of young people I’ve never heard of. Great, I’m now officially my parents. Get off my lawn. And stop playing that loud negro music!

Plot: American teenagers fight back after America is invaded by North Korea

Why This Will Be Terrible: You mean besides having to accept the premise that North Korea is going to take time out of their busy schedule of starvation to put uppity Uncle Sammy in his proper place? How about the fact that the first movie was terrible, and that review is coming from somebody who watches Red Dawn on cable every chance he can get. The greatness of that movie was that it asked us to believe for just brief shining moment that Johnny and Baby from Dirty Dancing teamed up with Bud Fox and Pony Boy to bring the vaulted Red Army to their fucking knees. You can’t catch lightening like that in a bottle twice.

Fun Fact, they are also sensitive vampires, who are forced to battle to the death at a school for wizards. Please note that while the last fact was certainly fun it was in no way an actual fact

 

 

47 Ronin

Release Date: 11/21

Starring: Keanu Reeves and a bunch of really good Japanese actors who apparently really needed a pay check.

Plot: A retelling of one of the most important legends in Japanese culture, but with Keanu Reeves and fantasy creatures.

While This Could Be Terrible: You mean aside from the fact we’re dropping Johnny Utah into one of the biggest legends in Japanese culture? You don’t have the teeenist problem with that one? Well then, it’s going to be the bestest movie ever.

Dear Keanu, if you are your own Dorian Gray portrait, it defeats the whole purpose. Love Waffleboy

 

 

And here’s a peak at what is on tap for 2013

 

Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters 3D

Release Date:1/11/13

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen

Plot: 15 years after the original story, Hansel and Gretel are witch hunters. With shotguns. And in 3D

Why This Could Be Terrible:You read the plot right? Well aside from the fact that this movie was supposed to come out on 3/16/2012 and it got pushed back almost a year, here is something else to keep in mind, a quote from Adam McKay, one of the movie’s producer’s talking about the movie.

“The idea is, they’ve grown up and they hunt witches. It’s a hybrid sort of old-timey feeling, yet there’s pump-action shotguns. Modern technology but in an old style. We heard it and we were just like, ‘That’s a freakin’ franchise!”

Show of hands, who else thinks Jeremy Renner looks like he would like to use that shotgun on his agent?

 

Okay, first off, show of hands am I the only one who thinks Adam McKay sounds like he has to wear a bike helmet even when he’s not riding a bike? You know it’s great when a producer is excited about a project, but this guy is lit up like a Christmas tree over the concept of Hansel and Gretel having pump-action shotguns. I guess the good news is here is that the quality of movies in 2013 won’t be that different then they are here in 2012.

 

Well that’s the dirty dozen movies I found that might not be too fantastico. What do you think Gasmi, do any of these movies sound good to you? Did I miss anything?

Thanks for stopping by

 

About

Waffle's family would like to go on record and say he was raised by raccoons. You eat out of the garbage one time, and everyone suddenly gets judgmental. He's just going to point out, for the last time, with God as his witness, there was ice cream in that carton. However, the fact of the matter is he was born and has lived about 90% of my life in the Bay Area in Northern California. He's a long time cube monkey (office worker), who spends too much time trying to maximize the money he spends on his cable bill, and has a not so healthy love of all things that are dumb and fun, translation: needless explosions, cable neeckedness, and any time Steven Segal attempts to express human emotion only by squinting.

22 Comments

  1. 1
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted March 26, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    Holy crap, ANOTHER Resident Evil movie? Let me guess — It’s directed by Milla Jovovitch’s husband. She wouldn’t be in any g.d. movies if it wasn’t for him.

    I initially thought The Three Stooges movie was going to be a bio-pic — you know, with Curly going through alcoholism or wife-beating or whatever. But ever since I heard it was an actual 3 Stooges in 2012, I’m gonna pass that like a kidney stone.

    And don’t even get me started on the Tea Party/GOP propaganda film that Red Dawn has turned into . . .

  2. 2
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 1:33 am

    That’s ten more reasons not to go to the movies. But when people ask, I’ll just say, “bedbugs.”

  3. 3
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 2:30 am

    Looking at this movie lineup, I can’t help but think that 80′s kids are now greenlighting films to recapture their childhoods.
    Transformers
    GI Joe
    Battleship
    Red Dawn
    Three Stooges
    21 Jump Street
    The Karate Kid
    Conan the Barbarian
    Footloose
    Fame

    The list goes on and on.. each one more tragic than the last.

  4. 4
    PottyMouth PottyMouth
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 4:17 am

    I think it’s actually 90′s kids all growed up and jealous of the awesome that was 80′s movies and how much we kids of 80′s loved them so, even when they were terrible. To be fair, we were kids; we didn’t know how godawful some of them were.

    Seeing Fame on that list confirms that I still have a white hot rage when it comes to that remake. In fact, I think I just had a mini stroke. :)

  5. 5
    PottyMouth PottyMouth
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 4:19 am

    I love you Waffleboy – never change.

    Wasn’t there a witchhunter Hansel and Gretel movie on Syfy? You know you’re in trubs if fucking Syfy had the same idea for a movie as you!!!

  6. 6
    notwithoutmytv
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 4:27 am

    Waffleboy, thanks for the stink warning on these!

    What to Expect… Advertising people honestly believe that unless a woman has her hands on her pregnant belly like it’s the One Bump to Rule Them All, the viewers won’t understand that she’s supposed to be pregnant. I never see real women do this. Ever. Also, put that scene where a woman in the throes of sweaty full-on labor howls obscenities at the baby’s father and shrieks for an epidural? It’s like men in drag: it’s not automatically funny.

    Red Dawn: Hey, attractive minority guy #2, in the front row: What you’re holding is not a handle. It’s the magazine. Where the bullets go. Hold it like that and eventually, the magazine will come off. And then you’re gun won’t go. Also, everybody else is holding their guns like they could just level them and start rocking; you’re holding yours like it’s a Pinewood Derby car you’re showing your Mommy. And aren’t there too many Wolverines in that picture?

    47 Ronin: People think Kenau is Asian. Always have. And any flavor of Asian can play any other Asian in Hollywood. It used to be only blacks could date/sleep with other blacks in movies. Now Hispanics can, too. I guess that’s lucky for Turtle.

    Battleship: You fire that minigun, Rhiana. You fire it good.

    LOL: It’s named “LOL”. Do they want a gritty family drama or “From Justin to Kelly”? I don’t think they can have both. And it’s going to be a while before people take Demi Moore seriously again. If they ever did take her seriously, that is.

  7. 7
    SuburBint
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 6:33 am

    “Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler will both be using our collective bad taste like an ATM ”

    Love. It.

  8. 8
    cloudsinmycoffee
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 6:44 am

    Why the HELL are they re-doing 47 Ronin??? It was an AWESOME black & white movie done in Japan and it should NEVER be done again. And Keanu is NOT Japanese! Dear God, isn’t he Canadian!?!? How the hell will that translate?? Is nothing Sacred anymore?!?!

  9. 9
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 6:55 am

    There’s re-making RED DAWN! So no, I’m afraid nothing is sacred. Not even the Swayze. Or Ponyboy.

    Next thing you know, NeNe Leaks will be co-staring in a sitcom about Jesus coming back and working as a barista because everybody thinks he’s just a hippy beat poet.

    Oh. I forgot: WOLVERINES!!!!! (I’d start spray painting that all over Boston, but the city’s administration is still a little touchy over that Aqua Teen Hunger Force scare, and Home Depot wants ID before they’ll sell me spray paint, so…

  10. 10
    skychickie
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Taken 2?! Sweet! My hope is the daughter kicks some man ass and helps her father kick some more man ass…
    Lol @notwithoumytv don’t give Hollywood any ideas. Although nene screaming at Jesus “I am rich bitch” would be a tv moment dream come true.

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 10:55 am

    I literally will watch Taken any time I see it on TV. So it is a given I will watch Taken 2. But this movie did scare me from going to Paris with my friends last year. I don’t know that my Dad can kick ass like Liam.

  12. 12
    Jimbob Jones
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I’ve gotten so tired of them raping 80s culture for movies and shows that I can’t even summon nerd-rage any more.

  13. 13
    WaffleBoy
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Hi guys!
    Hypnotoad: yes, Milla Jovovich is married to the guy directing the movie, but you have to wonder how many B movies Paul WS Anderson would be getting green lit if he wasn’t married to a super model. It’s a definite chicken or the egg situation.

    Sarcastire: That’s a good list and a good theory, but I really think the reason these movies are getting green lit is that Hollywood is deathly afraid that unless the audience already knows what the movie is about nobody will show up. I think this is because their marketing departments are so lazy that they all ride rascals around the office at work. I so want a rascal for work.

    Cloudsinmycoffee: Yeah the version they did in 1962 of the 47 Ronin with Toshiro Mufune is a classic. Actually Japan has done a bunch of versions of this story and they all pretty much kicked ass, and do you know why? They didn’t feel a need to drop Neo into the movie.

    Not Without My TV: “One bump to rule them all” that is so awesome thank you. Also with all that talk about graffiti, fess up; You’re Turk 182, right?

    Classy Drunk: Don’t worry about your dad being able to kick ass, because if there is one thing I’ve learned from watching over 30 years of watching action movies is that all dad’s are ex-special ops types who can kill people with just their thumbs. So, feel free to follow U2 around Europe for a summer but get kidnapped by creepy Albanians during your first day in Paris, and sold to creepy old rich middle eastern types at an Eyes Wide Shut party, because your dad has that covered.

  14. 14
    lindaw205
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    Did anyone here see Dawn of the Dead? Where Sarah Polley and Ving Rhames are trapped in a mall during the zombie apocalyspse? Anyway, there’s a woman in the movie who is supposed to be pregnant and all she does is hold onto her belly. No woman does that. It got distracting for me and I started wondering if her “bump” didn’t fit right and she had to hold on to it to keep it from sliding down to her knees.

    Too bad about Battleship…..thats a good looking cast. But what idiot greenlit that idea??? And Jeremy Renner as Hansel? I hope he got paid well for that.

  15. 15
    lindaw205
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    That’s a very interesting theory and sadly, you’re probably right.

  16. 16
    maryedith
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Omg, could not agree with you more about TV Pregnancy. Also the heaving oneself off of pieces of furniture. I never held my belly while I was pregant and I got on and off of furniture without heaving. Also, never have I known a woman to go into labor suddenly. Never.

  17. 17
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Confession time: I’m actually excited for GI Joe Retaliation…I can’t even lie, I really did enjoy the first GI Joe even though that shit made 0 sense. I liked it so much that I’ve watched it three times and have never been bored. So I will watch this second with glee and if there’s a third one, I’m gonna be there too, with bells on.

    I also want to see Taken 2 and What to Expect When You’re Expecting, because the previews looked funny.
    lolololol @ Keanu Reeves in 47 Ronin. I love him, but in the words of Latrice Royale, Ummm….no.

    I’m not paying movie theatre prices to see any of these though. I used up my one movie of the year with THG.

  18. 18
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    I saw a commercial for The Three Stooges randomly the other day, I haven’t seen it again since then. But while watching it all could think is why. I never even seen the show, but this movie looks like a bad Nickelodeon movie.

    I googled 47 Ronin, and what’s interesting is that Keanu Reeves character was written in to the movie. He’s suppose to be a half Japanese/half British outcast, who joins them. So there really is absolutely no reason for him to be in it. And of course he gets a love interest.

  19. 19
    spinal11
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    “People think Keanu is Asian. Always have.”

    He is Asian, or at least close enough by Hollywood standards. One parent is white, and the other is native Hawaiian and Chinese IIRC.

    And I noticed the weird gun handling in the Red Dawn pic too, but as long as they don’t have people doing that ridiculous holding-it-sideways-while-shooting (usually making perfect headshots while running and screaming) I’ll let it slide.

  20. 20
    spinal11
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    …and when have they ever done anything else?

  21. 21
    spinal11
    Posted March 27, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    Can somebody please explain Tyler Perry movies for me? I know he’s a fucking hack and all that, but there has to be some appeal since he’s gotten so rich from them. I watched a few (I’m black so apparently I’m supposed to love his movies) and they were all the same off-putting mix of corny slapstick comedy with uncomfortably melodramatic stories of abuse and human suffering. And the acting was terrible. What’s up with that?

    Also, why does a black man in a dress = instant box office comedy gold? I don’t get it.

  22. 22
    LAC LAC
    Posted March 28, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Waffleboy – I heart you! Thanks for doing this!! I am with you on the remake of the “Red Dawn” movie. I am waiting for the remake of “Footloose” next. Oh, wait…. :)

    The Stooges? Hell to the no… what next, the Marx Brothers?

    A movie based on cheesy, pimp suited Steve Harvey’s bullshit book? I thought that if I ever would be saying that sentence, it would be in a lot hotter place and I would be wearing ice skates.

    Taken 2? I might do it. Loved the first one. And Liam barking orders in that Irish broge is quite yummy.

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