You know Gasmi, you should never make an uniformed decision. Unless you are writing about upcoming movies that you know almost absolutely nothing about, then you should feel free to shoot from the hip. Do you see how easy life can when you make up the rules as you go along? Why else do you think your boss is always in a good mood? Anyway, what we are going today is try to spot the movies coming out this year that seem like they might stink like some fancy schamancy gourmet cheese.
Please keep in mind that I’d like to make it through this post with me getting a repetitive stress injury so we aren’t going to talk about every bad movie coming out this year. There’s a new Twilight movie coming out, and Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler will both be using our collective bad taste like an ATM machine this year. If you like these movies, you’ll go and see them, no harm, no foul. However, if say you’ve wished it was legal to hunt Adam Sandler from a helicopter (and this isn’t an endorsement, but in a Palin administration it would be legal to hunt everything from a helicopter) then you know enough to stay away, so there is no need to talk about these movies
We are going to be talking about 12 movies that really jumped out at me while glancing at the schedule of upcoming movies for the year and said “this is 10 dollars and 90 minutes of your life you’re never getting back.” Okay, enough of the intro-ing and on to the bad stuff. We’ll go in order by their release dates
Release Date 4/13
Starring Chris Diamantopoulos, Sean Hayes, and Will Sasso
Plot: While trying to save their childhood orphanage, the stooges stumble into a murder plot, and end up with their own reality show.
Why this could be terrible: The original cast was cast was supposed to be Benicio del Torro, Sean Penn, and Jim Carrey, and they ended up with Chris Long Last Name, Just Jack from Will and Grace (who is probably the best guy in the cast), and Will fucking Sasso. Add to that, that the cast of Jersey Shore shows up for the third act of the movie. This doesn’t feel like a train wreck, it feels like Wheels of Tragedy from driver’s ed. It’s too bad, The Farelley Brothers have been working on this project for over 10 years, and I’d love to see them have a hit. Too bad this isn’t that movie.
Well that shouldn’t be a challenge. Wait, they said Moe
Think Like a Man
Release Date: 4/20
Starring: Kevin Hart, Michael Early, Taraji P. Henson, Jerry Ferrera, Megan Good, Regina Hall, Jennifer Lewis
Plot: A group of men realize that the women in their life are on to all of their tricks after reading Steve Harvey’s book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, and scheme to turn the tables on them.
Why This Could Be Terrible: Well, if you are part of this movie’s target audience of Steve Harvey’s literary agent or Steve Harvey’s mom it’s going to be the movie you’ve been waiting all year for. Otherwise, You’ve got a movie based on a Steve Harvey book with Turtle from Entourage in one of the leads
Apparently when they gave Turtle lipo they also sucked all the joy out of him
Release Date 5/04
Starring: Miley Cyrus, Demi Moore
Plot: A remake of a French movie about a rebellous 15-year-old experimenting with drugs and sex, while oblivious single mother tries to move on from her D-I-O-V-O-R-C-E.
Why this movie could be terrible: Okay, they are remaking a French movie with Hanna Montana and that older lady who we found out luvvvvvvvvs her some Rediwhip. If I might get a little Socratic on your butt, just what about this movie is giving you a good feeling about shelling out ten bucks?
Whenever I doubt the existence of God, I just look at Demi Moore’s forehead in this picture and I am reminded of the miracle of Photoshop
Release Date: 5/18
Starring: Alexander Skarsgard, Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Rhianna
Plot: Based on the popular board game. Also has aliens.
Why This Could Be Terrible: Based on a popular board game. Also has aliens. On the other hand if you like sitting in a dark room and looking at pretty people this might be the movie for you. It’s still okay to wear a raincoat to the movie theater in May, right?
Okay, They’ve got Rhianna firing a minigun. I love that, but not in the way the director would like me to love it
What To Expect When You Are Expecting
Release Date: 5/18
Starring: Camron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Brooklyn Decker
Plot: Based on the reference book for expecting parents. It’s a comedy about couples going through the process of childbirth
Why This Could Be Terrible: You mean aside from the fact it’s a comedy based on a reference book? how about because Brooklyn Decker is in it, and the only other movie she was in before this one and Battleship, Just Go With It, earned her a Golden Razzie. It you need someone to have their boobs almost fall out of a bra, you call Brooklyn Decker. Want to be entertained? You call Meryl Streep. And whatever you do, never get those two options confused.
She’s carrying it high. I think that means it will be a bomb. Boy, I mean boy!
GI Joe: Retaliation
Release Date: 5/28
Starring: Channing Tatum, Ray Park, The Rock, and a bunch of other people
Plot: Apparently it all evolves from the plot of the first movie. Bet you’re wishing you had paid more attention now, huh?
Why This Could Be Terrible: Well on the non-terrible front, the screenplay is written by the guys who wrote Zombieland. Then again it’s the sequel to a movie that was based on a cartoon that was based on a toyline, and and that’s pretty much the pedigree of the Transformer franchise.
Resident Evil: Retribution
Release Date: 9/14
Starring: Milla Jovovitch
Plot: Alice continues her never ending battle against the UMBRELLA Corporpation, but in this one she finds out something about her back story that blows her mind.
Why This Could Be Terrible: In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that I really like looking at Milla Jovovitch. That little fact goes a long ways towards explaining why I have seen all of her movies. As for this movie, well Paul WS Anderson is directing and he directed the first two movies in the series and they were pretty good/not that bad, but on the other hand the last two movies in the Resident Evil franchise were really, really, really, no fucking fooling terrrible. It doesn’t matter, I’m probably going to see it. Say, is there any chance of me borrowing that raincoat you wore to Battleship?
Look at her. She doesn’t have any pores. I think she sweats through the balls of her feet
Release Date: 10/05
Plot: It turns out the father of one of the army of scuzzballs that Liam Neeson killed in the first movie is a bit grudgy and takes Liam Neeson and his wife hostage on a family vacation in Istambul. Liam Neeson then cracks open the whoop-ass can, and hi jinks ensue.
Why This Movie Could Be Terrible: It probably won’t. I just enjoyed the premise of the first movie so much, (middle-aged dad goes completely apeshit when Eurotrash kidnap his teenage daughter, and then after he rescues her, he gets his Lil’ Pumpkin singing lessons from super X-tina like pop star. In other words, BEST DAD EVAH!) that I don’t anything to mess up that memory. Have you ever gone out with someone who wanted you to never change your hairstyle or how you dress from the day you first met? I’m am that guy. Still on the market by the way.
Release Date: 11/19
Starring: Robert De Niro, Dianne Keaton, Robin Williams, Katherine Hegal
Plot: D-I-V-O-R-C-E-d couple (Robert De Niro and Dianne Keaton) pretend to be married at their child’s wedding
Why This Could Be Terrible: Did you look at the stars in this movie? Think about the movies they’ve been in lately, and then the odds of this one being any good. Best argument for reading this year.
I couldn’t find a poster for I Do, so I used one from one of DiNiro’s good movies. Also, Jody Foster played a child prostitute in this movie, so why does she look so happy on the poster?
Starring: A bunch of young people I’ve never heard of. Great, I’m now officially my parents. Get off my lawn. And stop playing that loud negro music!
Plot: American teenagers fight back after America is invaded by North Korea
Why This Will Be Terrible: You mean besides having to accept the premise that North Korea is going to take time out of their busy schedule of starvation to put uppity Uncle Sammy in his proper place? How about the fact that the first movie was terrible, and that review is coming from somebody who watches Red Dawn on cable every chance he can get. The greatness of that movie was that it asked us to believe for just brief shining moment that Johnny and Baby from Dirty Dancing teamed up with Bud Fox and Pony Boy to bring the vaulted Red Army to their fucking knees. You can’t catch lightening like that in a bottle twice.
Fun Fact, they are also sensitive vampires, who are forced to battle to the death at a school for wizards. Please note that while the last fact was certainly fun it was in no way an actual fact
Release Date: 11/21
Starring: Keanu Reeves and a bunch of really good Japanese actors who apparently really needed a pay check.
Plot: A retelling of one of the most important legends in Japanese culture, but with Keanu Reeves and fantasy creatures.
While This Could Be Terrible: You mean aside from the fact we’re dropping Johnny Utah into one of the biggest legends in Japanese culture? You don’t have the teeenist problem with that one? Well then, it’s going to be the bestest movie ever.
Dear Keanu, if you are your own Dorian Gray portrait, it defeats the whole purpose. Love Waffleboy
And here’s a peak at what is on tap for 2013
Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters 3D
Starring: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen
Plot: 15 years after the original story, Hansel and Gretel are witch hunters. With shotguns. And in 3D
Why This Could Be Terrible:You read the plot right? Well aside from the fact that this movie was supposed to come out on 3/16/2012 and it got pushed back almost a year, here is something else to keep in mind, a quote from Adam McKay, one of the movie’s producer’s talking about the movie.
“The idea is, they’ve grown up and they hunt witches. It’s a hybrid sort of old-timey feeling, yet there’s pump-action shotguns. Modern technology but in an old style. We heard it and we were just like, ‘That’s a freakin’ franchise!”
Show of hands, who else thinks Jeremy Renner looks like he would like to use that shotgun on his agent?
Okay, first off, show of hands am I the only one who thinks Adam McKay sounds like he has to wear a bike helmet even when he’s not riding a bike? You know it’s great when a producer is excited about a project, but this guy is lit up like a Christmas tree over the concept of Hansel and Gretel having pump-action shotguns. I guess the good news is here is that the quality of movies in 2013 won’t be that different then they are here in 2012.
Well that’s the dirty dozen movies I found that might not be too fantastico. What do you think Gasmi, do any of these movies sound good to you? Did I miss anything?
Thanks for stopping by