Moviegasm: Real Spoilers

Movies can leave us feeling a little bit lost at the end. Did Julia Roberts and Richard Gere really stay together after the end of Pretty Woman? And did either of their children grow up to be whores? Thankfully, we’ve got Moviegasm to help us get a little closure.

by Mike Betette

“Where the Wild Things Are”

At the end it’s revealed that Max is a 65 year-old man writing this entire story on a typewriter. He is alone in a cluttered apartment and we see now that The Wild Things are based on old mops and stacks of newspapers that have kept him company throughout the years. As he finishes the last sentence of his story a psychiatric ward orderly (played by Spike Jonze in full make-up) comes in and tell Max it’s time to go. The orderly tells him that his family has deemed him not stable enough to live alone anymore. Max asks to say goodbye to his apartment alone for a moment and when Jonze steps outside Max sneaks a mop and some newspapers under his shirt. He leaves his apartment behind, but from now on Where The Wild Things Are, is wherever Max goes.

“Paranormal Activity”

Micah decides he’s not gonna take this haunting anymore. He gets his dads old baseball bat, which he believes is blessed by the Pope, and goes after the ghost. But right as he’s about to swing the “ghost” reveals itself as his wife’s mother! HIS mother-in-law! She explains that she has scared off every past suitor because no man has ever been good enough for her little girl, until now. Since Micah fought back and is a good Catholic boy she agrees to stop haunting them and he invites her to live with them in the guest room. He wants her to be part of their lives…because she’s about to become a grandmother!

“Zombieland”

The zombie hunters realize that if they kill all the zombies that they will have nothing left to do. So, a friend gives them the idea to start a business called “Zombiebusters.” They buy an old firehouse and all move in. They produce commercials and become famous for going around fighting zombies, impressing women and getting throw in jail by the mayor. At the very end they sell the franchise rights off to a bunch of upstart wanna-be Zombiebusters without talent, one of which is a hilarious Sean Connery. The last frame of the film is Woody Harrelson looking into the camera saying, “Looks like they might need a little help, from an expert.” He cocks his gun and we are set up for Zombieland II with a full trailer for the already made movie tacked on at the end.

“Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs”

Unlike the book, at the end of the movie version we are pulled out of the CGI world and back into reality as a guard calls for someone. We realize the man being called for is a Jewish chef working for the Nazi’s and he is telling this “Meatballs” story to his young boy during the holocaust to make him feel better. And the giant pancake was a metaphor for Hitler. The guard yells at the chef to hurry up and come with him, we know why. The chef looks at his boy, who is scared and just wants to hear more about people running from falling oversized food. Right then he decides not to take it anymore and inspired by the story, grabs an oversized metal pot and knocks out the Nazi guard. The chef quickly releases every Jewish prisoner in the camp and they all grab their food dishes and follow suit, overthrowing the entire Nazi regime with dishes and pots and pans and spatulas and at the very end they even kill Hitler…with a giant pancake.

“Couples Retreat”

The Couples love the retreat island so much they decide to pool their money and buy the resort. Things are going great until they find out that the island was once used for nuclear testing by the Navy and has deep dark secrets nobody wants them to know about. They decide to go digging for information and after a lengthy (and very unnecessary) horrific torture scene with Jason Bateman, we find out the mountain on the island is filled with diamonds and the nuclear testing was all a fake plot by a rebel faction of The Democratic republic of the Congo to get them to leave. This also explains why the resort workers were always so tired in the beginning of the film, they were being forced to mine for blood diamonds at nights. The couples decide to fight for the island and after a second even longer, more horrifying (and even more unnecessary) torture scene with Jason Bateman, they scare off the rebels; and with the diamonds all to themselves they buy the entire island, which turns out to be a sovereign country. They rename the country “Couples Retreat,” hence the title of the film.

“The Invention of Lying”

Ricky Gervais continues to lie, tricking people into doing everything he wants. He goes crazy with power, develops a God complex and tells everyone he is the president of the world. He starts instituting crazy decrees, like making all his ex-girlfriends kill themselves and having heroin legalized. Within days the entire world turns into slums, with people murdering each other for no reason and most of the population addicted to heroin. Ricky Gervais tries to rein the world in, but it’s too late. Everything is death and chaos. He realizes he’s learned a very valuable lesson about getting what you really desire and right as he’s about to commit suicide by heroin overdose God (played by Morgan Freeman) arrives and asks him if this is what he really wants. He says it isn’t and Freeman whistles like Gervais’ character used to only do when he was happy. Instantly, we are transported back the beginning of the movie when Gervais was an unhappy man living a sad, meek existence surrounded by a sea of people in the big city. But this time, he’s happy about it. He whistles again, winks at Freeman playing a hot-dog vendor and we fade out.

“Capitalism: A Love Story”

The gap between the rich and the poor grows ever larger. More people lose their assets to greed and corporate misdeeds. We never get public health care and good, well-meaning sick people die because rich assholes have no sense of charity and are only out to “get theirs”. Fox News continues to brainwash people into thinking being Christian means the exact opposite of what it actually means while gay people are further ostracized and continue to have their rights taken away because bigotry is openly condoned when it comes to sexuality since it’s a subject people in America refuse to talk about which is why congress lets Halliburton get away with rape. We fade out to Party in the U.S.A. by Miley Cyrus.