Moviegasm: Trailer Trash

***Please welcome our newest writer, 4theluvofHam, with reviews of some coming attractions!



by 4theluvofHam

Reviewing movies takes a lot of work. Seeing movies takes even more work! All I need to know about a movie is in the trailer. And all you need to know about that trailer is right here.

Madea Goes to Jail Trailer (Film Opens February 20th)

Hold on to your hats girlie! Madea is at it, again! This time Madea follows in the footsteps of Ernest and goes to jail. It’s a hilarious madcap romp about an old black woman with a temper, having road rage, flipping out on house partiers and destroying sassy white women’s cars with heavy construction machinery. Even the ever-topical Dr. Phil can’t handle Madea’s att-i-tude! Seems like plenty of movie for Madea Goes to Jail, right? Well, that’s why we’re no Tyler Perry. If this movie was all an old lady in drag it’d be no better than Big Momma’s House, and Tyler Perry is no Martin Lawrence. He’s an artist, a storyteller. His tales have weaves AND he weaves tales. This movie is more than meets the eye.

Intercut through this hilarious madcap trailer is movie number 2, about a strong African-American lawyer about to be married, finding himself having to defend an old girlfriend whose life has hit a rough patch and has become a prostitute. He needs to defend his friend, putting an awful strain on his fiancé, but he needs to do the right thing. Or is it? Meanwhile, the prostitute’s sickly friends want her to go for it “because if anybody can get out of here…you can.” Then the hooker with a heart of gold goes to Jail. Yup, there’s more than one person that goes to Jail in this movie! That’s called layers, audience. Thank you very much, Tyler Perry!

The two films are tied together with a nice hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold piano mixed with a healthy dose of cutting out the music while Madea goes on a funny rant and sound effects happen. Apparently, “we’re all on a journey”. No matter if you’re a prostitute with a past, a man torn between two loves or a guy dressed in drag as an old woman shouting at white people. True, true. This movie has it all. Personally, I don’t think I’ll see it. I’m holding out for Madea Scared Stupid along with a wife dying of cancer.

Fired Up Trailer (Film Opens February 20th)

This movie is about two high school teens that want chicks, so they quit football and join the cheerleading squad. Then, they end up liking cheerleading, one finds a girlfriend and they help the win the big cheer challenge. And…that’s it. I mean, really. There’s not much else to Fired Up. That’s all there is. Guys, cheerleading to get chicks, they end up liking it. Yup, that’s it. Ummm….so, the two guys names are Shaun and Nick, but I have no idea which is which. I don’t think it matters. And….that’s it.

No it can’t be. There’s got to be more. Did I mention everything already? Horny teens, cheerleading, they don’t like it, then they do. They win. Yeah, that’s everything. I really do think that’s it. They probably learn something along the way, the dark haired kid from Heroes says something about confidence to the other cheerleaders, but it may just be a throw away line. I’m sorry, but I really think I covered anything. I mentioned they used to play football right? Oh yeah, I did. Okay…what else, what else…one of the girls has a boyfriend named Rick they call Dick a lot. Looks like it might be a running gag. I guess that wasn’t really worth mentioning. OH! I know, Edie McClurg and John Michael Higgins have bit parts, so that’s kinda neat. Or not.

So, I think that’s about it for the trailer of Fired Up. I wish I had more to say. I guess I could talk about the posters. All the posters just say F.U. Like Fuck You, but that starts with a Y, so I guess that’s not right. I’m not exactly sure what it means, maybe Fucked Up? Well, all right then, I think I’m just gonna wrap this up, I have some laundry I should probably get to. Nice talking to you though, later. Enjoy Fired Up I guess.

Crossing Over Trailer (Film Opens February 27th)

Hey! Do you like having boundaries of social issues pushed and tested? Do you like being forced to second-guess your own values? How about when things hit close to home and get a lot more complicated? Do you like the movie Crash? Grand Torino? Then you should feel honored, because this trailer was made especially for you.

You like to go to the movies and think about issues and get coffee at a bookstore afterwards to discuss themes. Way too good for Paul Blart: Mall Cop, right?

You’re so full of shit, and Hollywood has got you pegged. They’ve got your insecurities down and now they just have to reel you in with two and a half minutes of clips. They know you want to be seen as a smart person. You want a movie that’s says it’s about taboo subject matter, but is really about cops and guns and hot sex. Sure, this film has a few Mexicans in there making you question America and its policies, but there’s also an Indian family, and Slumdog Millionaire is supposed to be good, right? It’s at least popular and kind of foreign. You saw that it was playing at the indie theater in the arts district as you passed it on your way to see My Morning Jacket in concert.

You go to thought-provoking movies so you can look down on others, but actually challenging movies like Syndoche New York make you feel stupid. Then you can feel comfortable and just watch this movie’s young sexy British (or possibly just British-ish) immigrant couple. You know how the issue of British immigration is so contentious and real in our country right now, it’s tearing families apart. Plus, the lady part of the couple has sex with Ray Liotta for a Green Card, dangerous yet hot, am I right, ladies? That’s right, this film is for ladies too. Just check out the sexy Asian guys driving around in their expensive car clubbing with coiffed hair. That’s for the girls. Then the Asians are part of some robbery or heist or something. That’s for the guys. This is totally a couple movie!

Hey, maybe this movie really is good, but if you see this trailer and say to your significant other, “We should see that. It looks really good,” then you’re a douchey couple that is trying to act like better people than you actually are, and you should probably just go see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra instead, like you really want to anyway.

Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li Trailer (Film Opens February 27th)

This is a movie about ancient scrolls and hot Asian girls and militaristic cities. It’s a movie about bad guys in whites suits and black guys who care.

Wait, a tick! No it’s not, this movie is about kicking! It’s about kicking and smashing dudes’ ribcages. It’s about more kicking and roundhouse kicking and being able to do a split in the air and kick two guys at once. It’s about doing an awesome flip that turns out to be a kick to the chin. You can call it “The Strength of the Warrior” all you want gravely voice-over guy, I call it kicking. Kicking a gun out of a guy’s hand in a dank warehouse, kicking in a sea of guys dressed in black. Oh man, there is so much kicking in this film! And then suddenly, it stops.

The pace is killed when the trailer, unexpectedly, becomes a lot less kick-focused. This is where it lost me. The movie turns from a kick-a-thon into people trying to find out what powers they have. I assumed, based on my studies from the first half of the trailer, their powers were kicking. I was wrong. So, her power isn’t kicking? It’s being able to stop a sword between her palms and make it go all Matrix-rip off ripple effect. Lame. Okay fine, so she’s found her power. Back to kicking, right?! Nope. Now she has to decide what to kick for. I thought this was Street Fighter. You kick because bored kids in a mall put in quarters and make you kick.

After we see some people walking down wet streets and thinking, the second half of this trailer does get back to it’s kicking roots, but now it has to share the screen with falling. It’s half falling and half kicking, all while firing guns and the occasional bazooka. Sometimes the falls do turn into kicks and in a very nice moment, there is jump into a triple kick against a bad guy’s chest. But overall, if this trailer is a representation of the film, get ready to be disappointed when they set you up for a lot of kicking and then start throwing bullshit plot and inner non-kick based torture at you.

On a side note, there is only one reason I really would want to see a trailer based on Street Fighter. That is to see Blanka hop onto someone a la Mr. Peepers and go to town on their skull with his mouth. That’s it! Well, maybe I would want to see E. Honda’s arm shoot out unnaturally far and use his bitch slap machine gun. But that would be secondary. However, what I certainly don’t want to see is a trailer about Chun Li, not kicking. Sorry Streetfighter: the Legend of Chun Li. Maybe next time.

GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra Teaser Trailer

A good teaser trailer is like really great foreplay. When it begins you’re not quite what’s going to happen here, but it feels really good and you’re pretty sure it’s going to turn into something hot. It’s a long slow build, soft and sensual. Just trying to enjoy each fleeting touch. What was that? Was that on purpose? Ohhh yes, I liked that very much. That was nice, I want more of that. You can’t quite find anything to grasp just yet and that’s okay. You’re just enjoying the unknown. The flirtatious brushes, the heavy breathing, the intensely swelling music, exploring each other, all over, learning what makes you tingle. Then just at the right moment, when you can barely take it anymore, a glimpse! A quick shot of what you’ve been waiting to see. So fast you’re not even sure if it was what you thought it would be, but either way you’re turned on. You’re drooling and begging for more. Then, if you’re really lucky you get a hint of the action to come. A quick powerful thrust to prove the goods are real. To show you, yes, you are gonna get exactly what you want. And it’s gonna be good. By the end of the teaser trailer you want that long, full, two and a half minute theatrical trailer, so bad you can taste it. (See The Dark Knight or The Simpson’s Movie teaser trailers for examples of these.)

And to be honest, before I even saw the thirty-second GI JOE teaser trailer, I was ready to go. I wanted it bad. It had me; I was ready and willing. But then it was immediately ruined. GI Joe: Rise of Cobra teaser trailer came on way too fast. It was too forceful and it made me feel scared and uncomfortable. I was expecting at least little woo’ing. String me along a bit, give me a taste. I’m a fan, at least sweet talk me and make me feel special. Instead, it just started yanking away, being all grabby and intense. I didn’t even know what was happening; all I knew was I was being visually violated. Within the first ten seconds I was barraged by images of sexy women with uzi’s, submarines, bad guys in suits and the giant phallic Eiffel tower exploding and collapsing. Coincidence or metaphor for the GI Joe trailer blowing its load before I could even put my headphones on? It felt awful. Not sexy at all. I couldn’t keep up. And to be honest, I didn’t want to. I was not interested anymore and I just wanted to go home.

So much for a subtle seduction and the promise of pleasure to come. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra teaser trailer rises up, spits it’s venom and passes out in all of thirty seconds. And what was I left with at the end? A one liner from Dennis Quad, leaving me feeling dirty, embarrassed and in need of a shower.

Fan Boys Trailer (Film Currently In Limited Release)

All right, Robot Chicken Family Guy Fans, our movie is totally here!

Okay, there’s these total nerds right? And they’re going on a heist or something, something about Star Wars! You guys like Star Wars, right? Yes! And nerds! No, no, don’t worry they will TOTALLY show boobs in this movie, they cut away at the last second where a hottie lifts up her shirt in this trailer, TWICE! It is totally gonna be worth seeing! Oh, OH! And get this, William Shatner’s in it as…William Shatner! But you don’t know that right away, that’s why it’s funny! And dude, if you know Star Wars at all you’re gonna love this movie! This thing has like all kinds of references, like warp speed and the trash compactor scene and a thing about the FORCE being his BONER! HILARIOUS! Oh man, and there’s so many awesome nerd references in this movie. They even go to Harry Knowls’ house! Shit, you don’t know who that is?! Damn, this movie is already making me feel so superior to the people around me and I haven’t even seen it yet! This trailer works! And did I mention there were almost boobs, TWICE! And like EVERYONE is in this movie. Even Seth Rogan and Lando! At the end when they run out of funny scenes to show they spend like a minute running down all their cameos and they use the character names of how most nerds know them, instead of their real names! Like that dude from Tropic Thunder! You know, the explosives guy! The one who has had major roles in seven movies in the past two years and has his own show on HBO. Nobody knows that guy (Danny R. McBride)!

But they didn’t mention Kristen Bell, which is totally why I wanted to see this movie in the first place. Damn, I wanna see Veronica’s Mars’ boobs! Here’s hopin’! Punch it, Chewie ( and yes, they totally make a joke about this in the trailer!!)