A Shot At Love II With Tila Tequila: Pick a Cage, Any Cage

Tila Tequila is back folks, and things didn’t work so well between her and Bobby. He broke her adorable, bisexual little heart and tore it into a million pieces. So, to ensure that she’ll find someone who can tolerate her myspace fandom, the producers thought it’d be a good idea to scrape the bottom of the barrel and cast the show at a free clinic. I for one, think it’s a great idea. So, are you guys read to take a SHOT AT LOVE II WITH TILA TEQUILA?!

How about a shot at herpes?

The guys and girls head to the house and are all psyched as hell. Everyone is acting ultra competitive. George, a waiter from Tampa who seems to be as smart as the retarded lady in my building who insists upon wearing a paper hat (true story), says that seeing the lesbians riled his blood because they’ll be his rivals. Once Tila comes out, the whole lot of them acts like a bunch of religious fanatics, as if she is some kind of Vietnamese deity. Nick, an “Eldercare Specialist” from Roscoe, NY, goes so far to say that seeing Tila was “almost like seeing Jesus.”

Pray to the goddess of Nail Salons.

Jay, a shameless meathead/Transportation Executive (also known as train conductor) from Paramus, New Jersey is also reverent and says that, “the first thing that I thought when Tila came out in those booty shorts was boing-oing-oing-oing-oing. My fucking cock flew up in the air.” All 3 inches.

Guido catnip

To find out which group, guys or girls, gets to go inside with Tila first, they are forced to dance in giant cages. The girls dance like Amazonian lesbo-sluts who just finished a happy hour at Les Beau. The guys, Tila notices, “were just jumping around beating on their chest. They were acting like cavemen.” OOOOOHHHHH…harsh diss, cavemen.

Seriously, who wants to be grouped with this meathead?

As everyone keeps acting more and more like caged animals, Nick uncages his animal and gets naked. Tila’s more grossed out than turned on, especially since she thinks the girls are “sexy and moving with each other.” The ladies win the whoredown and get to go into the mcmansion first.

Another proud moment brought to you by Tequila – both the drink and the person.

The girls come inside and grab their keys, and Tila starts spending one on one time with them all right away. She begins with the two boyish lesbians, Serenity and Rada. Serenity is a shy, US Army Private who’s going with the big collar and necktie look. Rada is a confident, slightly ghetto Department Store Clerk who’s going with the big collar and sweater vest look. Like a dyked out version of the Highlander, clearly there can be only one.

It’s like a good and evil version of the same person!

Next up for Tila is Christy, the blonde, bisexual “dancer” from Yonkers. Word of advice, Christy – the only place you can “dance” in Yonkers is a strip club called Gallaghers 2000 so don’t try fooling anyone, ok? Nonetheless, Tila likes her and thinks that she seems fun.

Does Swan Lake really call for this much time in the tanning bed?

Lisa, a softball coach from Dumont, NJ is next up with Tila, and she explains to the camera that in New Jersey, it’s kind of easy for her to pick up chicks. There all you have to do is slick your hair back, act like an asshole, and women fall all over you – trust me, I spent a night in Hoboken once and that’s exactly how shit went down (at least with hetero girls). Nonetheless, Tila likes her because she’s a tomboy but has a “feminine face.”

She’s so ladylike for a bull-dyke.

Tashi, a Real Estate Agent, is our resident stalker for the episode. She says she’s been a fan of Tila’s since before the original show, and I think the producers cast her just to mess with/scare Tila. Look at this bitch – she has the serious crazy in her eyes.

“We’ve met before, only I was in the bushes, photographing your bathroom window, and you were taking a shit.”

Janny and Tarra are the resident ditzes, and have already started chatting up a storm with one another. Janny is ironically a communications major – ironic because the sound of her voice is hurting my brain. Tarra, a Loan Agent from Chino, CA, thinks that her and Tila would be really cute together, but the editing must’ve cut out “If I wore a bag over my head,” because the girl’s got a serious case of the butterface. I feel like the Jesse Jackson of dumb hoe-bashing with that unintentional rhyme.

(in Jesse Jackson voice) Your FACE is inTOLerable, it’s UGLIness is unDENIABLE, and because of it you are unDOable.

Tila then comes out to a chilly patio, and sits in between Lauryn, a medical student from Perth Amboy, NJ, and Sirbrina, a theme bar hostess from Seattle. Despite the annoyingly spelled name, Sirbrina is kind of attractive and has a great smile. Unfortunately for Lauryn, Tila notices, too and admits that she pretty much ignored her after that.

Gay or straight, hotter people always win.

Samantha, the girl who took off her top during the whore-off and another “dancer”, interrupts the three of them for some time with Tila. Tila and her sit down and while striding her, Tila reads aloud Samantha’s tank top. It says, “There is more to me than a great set of tits.”

Ummmm…You sure about that?

Tila then meets Michelle, who’s a hip hop massage therapist from Boston, and Fame whose name doesn’t at allhide her reasons for being there. Michelle says that Tila’s a wicked sex kitten and is “just deadly.” I’ve never met a female Masshole, so I’m at a loss for words.

“Wicked Pissah”

She’s then interrupted by Lili, a cellular sales rep from LA, whom Michelle calls a “rico suave, coming out of nowhere.” Lili is into psychobabble, and starts grilling Tila hardcore about being dumped by Bobby. It’s painful to watch, as Tila is clearly getting upset and wants her to stop, but she keeps pushing and pushing. Meanwhile, just as I’m thinking that Lili should not be in sales should her store want to make money, Tila is actually pleased and feels a strong connection to her.

I was just about to buy a Razr from her until she brought up memories of my dead grandmother and made me run away crying.

Meanwhile, the guys are still sitting out in the cold, while Tila decides she wants the girls to have a talent show. Besides her obnoxious name, we solidify our knowledge that Tila loves alliteration when the banner above the stage says, “Tila Tequila’s Tittiliating Talent Show.” But I don’t suppose we should expect any less from a professional Myspace celebrity.

The highlights are as follows

Kristy comes out doing cartwheels and showing that she can roll her tongue after saying she can’t “just go out there and act like an idiot.” Still, don’t be so dismissive – she’s been working on that for weeks.

Brittney bounces on a pogo stick and licks a lollipop, to show how good she is at being a lesbian. In case we didn’t know that she was on a show trying to win the heart of a bisexual Nguyen from Vietnam.

Lisa, having the same terrible idea as Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines, comes out as “V” and recites poetry.

Michelle just punches a blow-up bag entitled “Straight Guy”, reliving the moment when she decided to be a lesbian. Tommy Flanagan is still recovering from his wounds.

Serenity comes out doing standup with a joke that I actually like – “People ask me how long I’ve been a practicing lesbian. But I think I’ve pretty much got it down.”

Lili’s talent is to wear a monkey costume and act like an idiot. She’s good at it.

Serenity feels distraught about not doing well during the talent show, and sensing an opportunity to psychoanalyze/take advantage of someone in a bad state, Lili comes to comfort her. The comforting turns into a tongue kiss, and Tila “catches” them from around the corner.

No, of course this wasn’t filmed after the fact. Tila is acting perfectly natural.

At elimination, Tila asks Serenity and Lili to come up first. She’s pissed and tells them to “Get the fuck out of my house” which is basically like telling someone to get out of a rental car you didn’t pay for. Four more girls end up leaving – Tarra, the butterface, Janny the communications major ditz, Tashi, the real estate agent/stalker, and Rada, the evil version of Serenity – no boyish lesbians this go round.

“Bitch, don’t touch me.”

The guys come in acting like 17 year olds who just got into their parents’ liquor cabinet. I’d say 90-100% of them are terrible and should consider self-imposed incarceration. Kyle, a good-looking real estate broker from Honolulu, realizes that he has an opportunity since everyone is going to get a drink and not hitting on Tila yet. He asks her to show him around her house and after some brief bullshit-chat, goes in and gets a kiss. Smart enough to take advantage of a situation, good looking, and in real estate – what is this idiot doing here?

Two words: Vietnamese vajajay

Nick says that he’s in a whole other playing field, but when he goes in to talk to Tila, she pulls away. She says that she “thinks [she] saw [his] chode,” and the room erupts in laughter. Somehow I don’t think this is the first time he’s been laughed at by an entire room over his chode.

“Well, there was that time at Spring Hills Retirement Home…”

Greg & Dominic, whose occupation reads “The Twins” pull Tila away from the other guys. It’s too much for her though, as she’s having trouble telling them apart since they’re speaking to her in one combined, symbotic thought.

That thought? “A gang bang with your twin is like having sex in front of a mirror.”

After talking horoscopes with Matt, a normal guy Gym teacher from Madison Wisconsin, Tila meats one of the main meatheads, Ryan, a jet mechanic from Minneapolis. She can’t help herself and starts making out with him, while Jay, the new jersey “transportation executive” and a specimen of maturity, gets vocally upset.

Dude, trust me, with this girl, you’ll get your turn.

Next up we meet Chad, a flooring installer from Detroit who may be a fan favorite for simply saying this, matter of factly, to the camera – “Chicks love wangbone. Why do you think they have strap-ons and things of that nature? To simulate wangbones, which I come stocked with…of course.” Somehow this twisted logic makes sense…

“…of course.”

After Chad, we meet Jeremy, the pink mowhawk punk guy. The guy is potentially the most obnoxious person in the house, as he keeps saying “Delishiousness!” and talking aimlessly, thinking it’s hilarious. He also keeps making weird little noises like “dada-dada” and waving his creepy little fingers everywhere. Basically the guy’s your everyday dork dressed up like he’s going to see a Ramones show circa 1986.

We want you to be sedated.

Bo, the overgroomed statutory rape case waiting to happen/high school football coach, grabs Tila next. She makes fun of his soul patch, saying it looks like a butt cheek. After making out with him and telling him she doesn’t like the way his spit-catcher feels, Bo’s ego bows to his high whipability factor, and he agrees to shave it off. Tila takes him up on the offer right then and there and after shaving him, rewards him with more kissing.

“Nope, not gonna be able to munch carpet with that nasty rug on your face”

Obnoxious Jay is up next and for some reason, thinks the way to Tila’s heart is to pull out his flabby ass and start shaking it. Tila, noticing the putrid smell in the room, puts a flower that sweet nerdy guy Mason gave her earlier, right in his crack. Shamelessly, Jay walks around with his pants down and a flower in his crack, and I hope all his guido friends in Ho Ho Kus are laughing in his face and calling him a faigula.

Tough guy.

Jay somehow forces himself into a kiss with Tila, and Bo calls him out for the flower antics. He’s kind of egging him on, but Jay probably wasn’t the right choice for someone to tease. After Bo calls him out, Jay says the smartest thing he can think of, “Yeah, look at your ass. You ugly ass motherfucker.”

He’s got a way with words.

Bo gets up and calls him Corey Haim, and I’m actually pissed because I was thinking of using that one. I mean, more like methhead, overweight version of Corey Haim, bitch tits and all. But the same idea. Anyways, Jay only speaks in chants and insults, so he starts clapping his hands and saying, “You’re a little bitch. You’re a little bitch” to Bo. For some reason, it doesn’t catch on. Realizing this, Bo says that he’s got “14 friends there and one punk” and Jay responds, “You’re a punk bitch. Sit down.” Jay is the king of stupid meatheads. So much so , it hurts.

Someone give him a crown made of steaks!

They get in each other’s face and Jay looks like a little bitch compared to Bo. He keeps jumping up to get in his face and while he’s a rotund little bastard, I have a feeling Bo could dispatch him pretty quickly. Bo is an overly groomed bitch, but he played football so he has to know how to fight, right? Anyways, as they get more into each other’s grill, they start getting territorial and calling each other by their home states, saying “New Jersey is an asshole” and “Ohio is a bitch.”

Not since a Super K-Mart moved across from the Myrtle Beach Wal-Mart Supercenter has their been such a white trash fued.

Tila gets into ninja mode and checks out the near fight which Chad is hilariously trying to encourage. He’s hilariously punching himself in the face and jumping around in a circle, and despite the simian look of it all, I’m on Chad’s side. Let’s see a fight. Unfortunately, despite the low iq levels of both guys, they’re wise enough to have some people hold them back and cool it down so they don’t get kicked out the first night.

Tila then comes out of hiding and says it’s time for a fashion show, but it’s just an excuse for the cocky assholes to take their clothes off and the insecure ones to make lame attempts at humor.

Here’s the high/lowlights

Jay comes out with gladiator skirt on and rips it off to reveal a g-string. The guys at the Paramus Mall Foot Locker are never gonna let him live that one down!

Matt, a normal guy who was barely shown before, comes out in fishing gear and acting like he’s stoned, says, “I’m Matt and I’m a pretty good fisherman and I’m gonna try to reel you in…heh heh..(incredibly awkward, long pause)…I’m gonna do it.” And by “do it,” he means go home early.

Curtis comes out in police outfit and does some crazy stripper shit and throws his junk in her face. She says it’s not a way to treat a lady, that is until it’s compared to…

…Nick who comes out with his dick in a box. Tila screams in terror and hilariously hits his box away.

Jeremy, trying to be funny since his body is 75% alcohol, 2% water, and 23% bile, comes out like an androgynous Dracula/castmember of a Swathmore undergrad theatre club Rocky Horror Picture Show performance.

George comes out like a Chippendales meathead and says to the camera that he has best body of any guy there. Chad then throws a pillow in his face and George acts like he’s thinking, “gee willikers that hurt.” Chad, ever awesome, says to the camera “bullseye..That’s how I roll.”

It’s time for the guys’ elimination round, and Tila starts by kicking out Nick in a Box. She follows that up by sending home Matt, the awkward fisherman. Jeremy has somehow, finally reached his tolerance and is unbelievably close to blowing chunks. Standing behind Dominic, one of the twins, Jeremy keeps “breathing hot air” on Dom’s back. Tila asks him what’s wrong and he sheepishly smiles, “nothing.”

“(I don’t think she noticed that I crapped myself, right?)”

Jeremy the drunk gets kicked out, and Tila follows that up by getting rid of Chris, the stripper cop. He seems shocked to go, but you did rub your junk in that girls’ face unsolicited, so…adios. Next up is Mason, the nice guy in a karate outfit who looks like he’s 13. The last person kicked out his one of the twins, Greg, because she simply can’t handle a superhero dp.

“What if we queued up for it?”

That’s it folks, we have our first episode down and managed to cut through the riff-raff. After the show, there was a follow-up called A Shot at Love: The Hangover. There isn’t much to be said about it since the host is kind of a douche, and there isn’t much of a point to it. Still, quickly, here’s what happened. Serenity and Lili were on the show and tried to explain their actions, only they ended up making out instead. Nick in a box came on the show and acted shy, but Jeremy was drunk and ready to take the spotlight. He kept doing the obnoxious “Deedle-leedle-lee” thing he does, and uncomfortably touching Nick.

A leopard doesn’t change his spots, just like alcoholics don’t stop drinkin’.

Join me next week to hear about more sluttiness, caveman type antics, and to witness potential spreading of even more sexually transmitted diseases. Until then!