America’s Best Dance Crew: Where’s Mr. Miyagi When You Need Him?

Poor Mr. Miyagi would be very disappointed in this week’s America’s Best Dance Crew. There is no painting of the fence. Nor is there any waxing on or waxing off (although Afroborike is certainly trying to get Shane to whack off).

Girl who undo fly with chopstick accomplish anything. 

We start out this week’s show with all seven crews lined up on stage waiting to hear their fate from Mario. He’s going to start out by telling two crews that they are safe.

And the two crews definitely moving on to next week’s episode are…….Afroborike and We Are Heroes! Hilariously, it actually takes Hiro a minute to realize that it’s good news for her crew.

Why are her pants flashing? 

The remaining five crews are still at risk for being sent home tonight. But enough of that. Mario tells us it’s time to kick off the most dangerous competition yet. I’d like to kick his writer in the nuts. 

Or him. Either/Or 

Each crew has been given a different martial arts style that they must incorporate into their routines. This is not really true as we’ll see in a little bit. What they actually have to do is pick one of the moves they are shown and put that into their routine. Sounds easy, right?

Well, they’ve brought in an expert to help. It’s none other than Steve Terada from Quest. Yay! I love all those guys and Steve definitely had some bad ass moves last season. Steve wants to know if they are ready to kick some ass. 

I’m ready to do something to your ass Steve 

Afroborike is up first and their martial arts style is Capoeira. Wow. I never would have guessed that. 

Steve tells us that Capoeira originates in Brazil and is one of the only martial arts to incorporate music. What great totally random information! Steve demonstrates a cartwheel move that AfroBorks (TM here4beer) has chosen to incorporate into their routine. Seems like an easy way out, I mean, even my four year old can do a fucking cartwheel.

Veronica (MulletGirl) tells us that she is a dancer, not an acrobat, LOL. And another girl (I’ve dubbed her Pudge) tells us she hurt her ankle the first week and she doesn’t want her injury to affect her crew’s performance. Well, then stop whining about it – suck it up for chrissake!

Or sit in the corner and pout. 

Mario wonders if she can overcome her injury and turn the performance on its head. If she dances on her head she doesn’t need to worry about her ankle. They’re dancing to “I Know You Want Me” by Pitbull. I am so over this song. 

That sucked huevos putrefactos. It’s no secret that I don’t like this crew and this performance isn’t improving my opinion of them. I mean, ass bongos? Really? And then sitting them on the judges’ table at the end? Blech. Talk about pandering to Shane’s boner.

Speaking of Shane’s boner, it’s he’s up first. First he wants to go to a slo-mo. Surprisingly it’s not of the ass bongos but of something that the guys did. He loved the move that they did with the aerial. BUT….

“Other than that, the routine was boring, the choreography was weak, and there was no energy.” 

HAHAHAHAHAHA FAIL!!! 

This is the Shane I love y’all. He has no qualms about telling these guys how it is. LOVE! 

Lil Mama agrees with Shane. They could have came harder. She believes that they have to bring it. JC brings up that their task was a cartwheel, and it was less than spectacular. He tells them to turn it up next week.

Up next is We Are Heroes. Instead of immediately telling us what their martial arts style is, we are treated to another sob story. It’s about Hiro AGAIN (and her grandma). She says her grandma is her only family which I think is odd since she made sure to tell us the first week about how her dad doesn’t approve of her dancing.

私は何であるか。 切り刻まれた魚卵か。  

Their assigned martial arts style is karate. Steve tells us there are a lot of low stances and powerful hits. They’ve decided to incorporate the flying fist move. We follow that decision with them telling us how hard it is to punch right. Oh wah, wah wah. Shut it.

They had one section of locking that was good, but the rest of it was crap. What the hell?? This was another uninspired performance for me. This week they could have had SO MUCH fun with the challenges but so far, BLEH served with a side of MEH.

Lil Mama thinks this group is so dope it don’t make no sense. She don’t make no sense. They’re not afraid to take risks, they’re women (WTF??), they’re beautiful and they bring a very intriguing part to the show.

I may not know karate, but I know crazy!  

She of course goes to a slo-mo because if I have told you once I will now have told you twice; there is a slo-mo quota per show. She’s just doing her part folks. She says when they came out they automatically gave us the thing we were waiting for. Huh? For me that would be a kick ass performance and we most certainly did not get that. She’s stupid so I’m moving along.

JC thought it started a little slow but it did pick up. He really liked the partnering combat work. He thought the pendulum swing at the end was a little clumsy. Hilariously they show a slo-mo of it, but actually speed it up because it’s sooooooo slow. He thought the coolest thing they did was the over/under, which I agree was pretty nice. He says it was great stunt work, but the choreography was spotty.

Shane agrees a little with JC; he thought it started out slow. His favorite part was the locking and whacking. He thinks they execute a task very well, and they listen very well. He liked their costumes, saying he could tell they thought it out. Good job.

Every time I see a commercial for Fame it pisses me off royally. How can they make this movie rated PG? They are going to sanitize everything that made this movie so great originally. Such a load of bullshit. I know I’ve already said this before, but that commercial brought it all back again. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Back from my tirade we join Mario and the remaining five crews on stage waiting to hear their fate. Rhythm City and Vogue Evolution, one of you is safe. The other is in the bottom two and could be cut down tonight. The crew definitely moving on to next week is……Vogue Evolution. You know, as much as I love Rhythm City I can’t really complain about this too much. Their performance last week was not very good.

For their martial arts style Vogue Evolution has gotten Kung Fu. Steve tells them they will need to incorporate a lot of animal style movements such as tiger style. Devon thought they had it but said it was totally opposite once they started. It’s frustrating them because they’re combining really masculine and really feminine and jumping back and forth. Meow.  

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Transgender 

 

I’m starting to feel like a broken record about this group. It was sloppy. S-L-O-P-P-Y. And that drives me crazy. Maybe I’m being narrow minded about my dance styles, I dunno. But it always seems like chaos when they are on stage. The sloppiness just makes me insane and for me it takes away from everything else.

JC, your thoughts? 

“Uuuh, you know, uh wewe we that’s, I mean, thank you, bluh.” 

And then Shane awesomely leans across the table and yells, “You don’t know what the fuck to say, do you?” LMFAO. Mario happily points out that JC is all “fluttered”, and JC is pretty funny mocking himself, “Ima simina an a simitay on de runny pie.” Which roughly translates to, “Meet me in my dressing room after the show. I want to swallow your balls while you call me Justin.”  

He says their performance worked woke him up. It was a cute start, and the choreography was fun even if it wasn’t that difficult. Of course we get the requisite slo-mo. This one is of them in a V formation doing the tiger claw thing. He says it was a little chaotic in the middle, and he warns them not to get sloppy. Too late!

Shane starts off saying, “Y’all going hate me right now.” He did not like it AT ALL. He gets booed, and he tells the audience he don’t care.

I love you!  

He loves what they do, but says that we’re at a time where you have to be so cold. The only time they really give him their style or what they do is when they’re voguing. When they’re not voguing it’s like a whole ‘nother world to him; he thinks they need to work on that so the next time they come out they’re tight.

He has so much respect for them but he wants to be honest with them. They need to clean it up. “I’m not trying to scare ya, I’m trying to prepare you.”

Lil Mama thinks that they performed. She agrees with JC; the choreography was not difficult, but she feels like they give us visuals. And they performed. And she appreciates that. I’d appreciate it if she’d shut the fuck up.

The spine tingling new movie that asks, “Which word will be the next to disappear?”  

We’re back from commercials with the final three crews on stage. Two are safe. One will be battling it out with Rhythm City. One of the crews that is definitely advancing to the next show is……Massive Monkeys!

So now it’s down to Southern Movement and Beat Ya Feet Kings. Which one is safe and which one is up for possible elimination? The last safe crew this week is……..Southern Movement Beat Ya Feet Kings. What the Fuck?!??!?!?! Who the HELL is voting for this crew? PLEASE CEASE AND DESIST. Or I will come to your house and Beat Ya Ass.

Time for Massive Monkeys. Their style is extreme martial arts. Wha? Is that an official martial arts style? Apparently. Steve tells us it’s a rapid fire, acrobatic style of martial arts including a lot of high flying kicks and is designed to dazzle.

So the element that this crew picks to do is the 540 kick because they want to show America that they can take on any challenge. Sure, they can take on any challenge; that doesn’t mean they’ll succeed at them all.

J.D. tells us that after he got his leg braces off the first sport he got into was martial arts. He’s nervous about some of the guys not being able to pull off this move. “We may have bitten off more than we can chew.” I have that problem all the time.

So. I’m a big fan of these guys. I like their style and the tricks they do, but this week they didn’t do the challenge. Well, J.D. did it. Not one other person did that 540 kick. SO LAME. They should have at least made the effort.

Shane says their routine was very exciting, and shows a replay of their fighting segment when they broke off into three different groups. What bothers him about them this week is only one person did the 540. He feels like they took the easy road by not having everyone do it. He tells them that they need to make sure they do what they’re supposed to do so that he can judge them correctly. 

JC loves how they started. He says they didn’t quite do the task, and he thought that even the tornado kicks they did were a little sloppy. He thinks maybe they bit off more than they could chew, but he admires that they got one of the 540s in there.

Lil Mama agrees with her boys that they didn’t complete their task, but the performance was action packed. She really enjoyed herself. She thinks they looked great and their performance was swell. Neato mosquito!

Up next is Beat Ya Feet Kings. The martial arts style they’ve been assigned is Tae Kwon Do. Steve tells us that this style is all about the feet. What a coinky-dink!

They’ve picked the foot fake as their element because it seemed to them to be similar to what they do. It’s not. Apparently this style is really exhausting because it’s making them tired. Porche wants to go take a nap. Me too. Whenever they are on my screen.

 

UGH. Lady Gagme?? As if I didn’t hate this crew enough already. I really can’t stand them. They bore me. The best part of the routine was the dorky guy beating everyone up at the end. But it wasn’t enough to make me route for them. Unless it’s routing for them to go home.

Lil Mama thought it was a smoov pace and that they were very clean. Y’all was together, y’all had mad personality. They was able to keep her throughout the whole performance. She knows about this stuff because she has taken Tae Kwon Do; she is a yellow belt. 

She has a black belt in crazy 

Shane says they need to stop ripping shit off from You Tube. He’s seen that punch punch punch move for like three years in a row. Hahahaha. I love it when he’s cranky. Then says that there are people at home waiting for a season that’s going to make people want to get out of their seats, but he hasn’t seen that yet. Did he just say this season was boring??

Why, yes. Yes. I did. 

That. Was ♫awesome ♪.

JC thinks that routine is like running a marathon because their feet are moving non stop. He liked that ending part as well adding that it tied into the story in the beginning where he was the one getting picked on. What he really needs from them are more levels. Everything is too much in a standing upright position.

Time for the bottom crews to battle it out. Up first is Rhythm City. Their assigned style is Mai Tai.

Mmmmmmmmmmm 

Oops! My bad. It’s Muay (m’oui) Thai. Steve lets us know that Muay Thai is Thailand’s version of boxing except you incorporate your elbows, your knees, your shins for awesome types of strikes. It does look pretty bad ass.

They have chosen to showcase the killer elbow. I could have used that move when I worked in New York. Those subways can be brutal y’all. Alonzo tells us that last week they slipped off the judges’ radar, this week they want to show us that they are the crew to beat.

Oh snap!! They are dressed like the Bride, GoGo, and the Crazy 88s. Dare I hope that they are back to being awesome again this week???

That kicked major fucking ass. I love this group SOOOOOO much. Was there anything I didn’t like about this routine? NOPE. The Boogie Down is back.

As usual, the judges don’t talk yet, so we move right along to Southern Movement. But first, Mario gets a little poem to recite.

“This crew has seen plenty of hoedowns, but let’s see how they prepare to throwdown in this martial arts showdown.”  

Whoa!  I think I’m going to be unsuccessful at keeping my dinner down.

Southern Movement’s martial arts challenge is Kali. Kali incorporates a weapon; stick or sword fighting. That’s not fair. They’re the only crew to get a prop? They should all get a prop or no one should get a prop. It was bullshit when that happened last week, and it’s still bullshit this week.

Now you all know that this group’s whole hick hop shtick drives me crazy, but that fucking rocked. I can’t believe that the two bottom crews gave the strongest performances of the night. I don’t want either crew to go home. Can’t we just send AfroBorks or I Wanna Beat Ya Asses home? Pleeeeeaaaaaase? 

Mario brings Rhythm City back to the stage so that the judges can give their takes on the performances. Shane. Tell us what you thought about Rhythm City.

The chick in yellow gave me a boner. 

Also, he tells the audience to give it up for them. He loves when two crews like this go into the bottom. He loves when a crew has a week that was kind of wishy washy and they come back and they represent. “Y’all are so so so ridiculous”.

He thinks if you’re going to do something he’s seen before, make sure you make it yours and you do it different and you put some swag to it. He thinks they definitely did that with their isos. He didn’t notice Dominique until today (because her boobs are busting out of her outfit). He’s so glad they let her show off her boobs shine. 

JC, what did you think of Southern Movement? He thinks we just saw the two best performances of the night. In his opinion they got dealt the hardest task because no one else got a prop. I’ve already said all I’m going to say on that subject. Not only did they get a prop, but they made it their own.

He loves the energy that they brought. He also points out that one of the guys actually did a 540. Suck on that Massive Monkeys! 

How Lil Mama gets to speak about both crews I’ll never know, but here goes……She comes from real street battles, where you get in a circle and you go head to head against the nicest cats on the block.

I whooped her ass. 

She says THAT was a battle. They both went off, and it was like y’all both had a point to prove, through your music, through y’all body language, through y’all expressions. 

I wonder what point she’s trying to prove. That she’s a fucking nutbar? 

Time for the judges to deliberate and decide who will stay and who will go.

Judgment time. The crew. That will return. And still. Has a shot. At becoming America’s Best Dance Crew is……
pan slooooooowly over each and every crew members face……….

Rhythm City!! HOORAY! I will say this; Southern Movement definitely has a better attitude than Donyelle had last week – they went right over to Rhythm City and gave them all hugs. And no bitchfaces to be seen.

Any final thoughts? Kemmian thanks ABDC for giving them the opportunity to display what they do, thanks to the judges for all their critiques bad and good and thanks to everyone for supporting them. Awww, that was sweet. But now it’s time for them to walk it out. And as they do, their banner must fall.

And they end their time with us not sulking like big cry babies, or being all pissed off, but by dancing their asses off. Just as they’re leaving, I really like them.

Next week, Bollywood. Holy Shit. You just know that one is going to be a huge train wreck.

What did you think, Gasmi? Were you happy to see Rhythm City bounce back after last week’s dismal showing, or would you have rather seen them leave? Are you ready to Beat Someone’s Stanky Ass if they keep voting for They That Shall Not Be Named? Represent!

I’m heading off on vacation, but never fear, I’ll be back in plenty of time to give you my two cents about the Bollywood challenge. Until then……

SWAK, PottyMouth