Bromance: Bro- Back Mountain

This week our boys have to box with a porn star and then they get to rough it in the woods for what may be the longest two days of their burgeoning reality star lives. And, yes, the title I chose for this episode is from Chris P, our future “Last Comic Standing” reject. That’s right. Neuter Boy made a funny! But before we get our hopes up for a comedy filled episode, I must reveal how disappointed I am.

I was hoping for this.

And got this instead.

It only took me one camping trip to quit the Girl Scouts and I think that some of the remaining five would have agreed with me. Is there anything worse than sleeping next to someone smelly and then cleaning the latrine after breakfast? Yes there is. Something much worse, according to Frankie and Sleazy T. You see, in their rarified manly world of Ed Hardy Tshirts and chest waxing, there is nothing worse than MISSING “THE SOUP” ON TUESDAYS!!!! Maybe they’re missing it because IT AIRS ON FRIDAYS! Douchebags.

So, they will have to do their hanging-on with each other because Alpha Male is taking the boys camping and beleive me, it’s way too butch for these two. Your grandma could handle it but these two would cry without their soy lattes and Aveda face creams.

The boys pile into the van for their Bro-venture and it starts off with beers in a biker bar. In walks their 250 pound surprise, looking like he just walked out of a ‘Tom of Finland’ illustration. I give you Mario aka Reno, who is in real life, a genuine porn star.

So. Who wants to shit their pants first?

Our little boys begin to quiver when they realize that they have to get into the ring with this guy. Brody’s excuse for this totally unnecessary pants pissing exercise? It’s simple, really. Brody is not a fighter but things can get hairy out there in scary Hollywood clubland. Who knows what kind of crackwhore might go medieval on your ass at Winston’s or Hyde just because you wouldn’t share your bottle of Belvedere with them? Brody needs someone to keep them away from him and drag them by their weave to the parking lot, where, if they’re lucky, they’ll get a blow job from the bimbo without getting vomit all over their balls. See what the winner has to look forward to? Good times, good times.

Gary does splits before his match because, well, he’s Gary. He gets thrown over the ropes in a little over a minute. Next we have Femi who seems to be so scared that he can’t even come up with a suitable animalian (that’s right. I can make up words too)metaphor.

Felis Domestica, Catus Terrifiedium.

He doesn’t last much longer than Gary, perhaps because he flails his arms around like nothing I’ve ever seen in any episode on Animal Planet. Dude, if you really were an animal you’d be extinct with those survival skills. Or at the very bottom of the food chain. Oh wait, you are! Help me out, Gasmii. Is there anything lower? Tool Academy, maybe.

Neuter Boy has a tactic, just like any other small kid who grew up with only one option- RUN!! Run your little ass off until it’s time to curl up into a little ball. Watching this part was like watching the beginning of Monty Python where the giant foot comes down and squashes everything under it. Alex lasts almost 3 minutes and actually throws some punches that make contact but he is no Bahston Luke. This fahkin’ spunky little street fightah actually picks up Porny Tail and drops him on the mat! Holy Clam Chowdah, Luke me boy! Twunty like, Twunty like a laht! He wins, of course, and Brody promises “a little something special later.” Are they gonna circle jerk to one of Porny Tail’s movies? Oh please, God, please. I’ve been good!

We’re off to the wilds of the California hills next and it looks like any backyard in the southern part of my fair state of Ohio, only without the kiddie rape in the barn and the tractor on blocks next to the sheep pen. I love the bit where Brody pulls out his Jack Sparrow compass that he fished out of a box of Cap’n Crunch that morning. Like he could read a book, let alone a compass. Anyhow, speaking of fishing, that is the first order of the day and Femi catches his first fish! And it’s starting to all fall into place for him now, because like every young boy in America knows,

First you catch your very first fish at camp, then you lose your virginity!

Poor Gary and Neuter Boy watch from the sidelines as the others catch fish after fish that the producers did not dump into the pond before they got there. Neuter actually makes a sorta funny comment about the fish throwing themselves at Brody like the chicks in a bar. Me thinks that he is the type of guy that is only funny in non-threatening situations, like now, with Gary. He probably hung out making jokes with his nerdy friends until one day somebody said, “You’re funny, you should do stand-up,” and a dream was born. I don’t dislike the guy, I just think that he should pay his dues like every other comic worth a damn and get some real life experience. Get off your ass and get out there and learn through failure like everybody else. Or write a recap for Tvgasm. I kid, I kid.

It’s time to clean the catch of the day and Femi makes a valiant effort to do it using a pocket knife. I don’t know how he didn’t cut his fingers off. Femi fingers for dinner, everybody! Tastes just like the animal he most resembles, chicken! Gary walks by and remarks that he used to work in a fish restaurant and they all ask him why he’s not gutting the fish when he has the most experience. What he fails to tell them is that the only experience he has with seafood was dancing with the other servers at Joe’s Crab Shack. Have you ever seen that crap? I downed my Margarita in two seconds flat after watching that hellacious performance at a Joe’s in Pittsburgh.

Brody arrives to take Bahston off for their Bromantic dinner “a deux’ on a pier overlooking the pond/cesspool/metaphor for how I feel abou this show. Brody asks, “You hungry?” Luke replies, “Stahvin dude.” and they dig into their meal of lobster, steak, potatoes and wine, Oh, and bee-ah.

For dessert, can I suck yah cahk?

I’m sure that Seacrest was there the day they edited this scene because what follows are a bunch of yummy faces and more “Mmmmmmmmms” than Jenna Jameson has uttered in her entire porn career. Brody feels like bonding so he tells Luke about the reality show that almost was, only his parents filed for divorce the day after the premiere aired. And what was your first clue that it was going to suck, Brody? Could it be the fact that Spencer Pratt filmed it? And Spencer the twat famewhore is the guy that these douchetards want to replace in Brody’s life? You can’ scrape the bottom of the barrel more than that unless you are, once again, on Tool Academy.

I need to say something about the commercial I saw during the break. Normally, I watch these episodes on-line but this one isn’t up yet so I had to watch it on the DVR and couldn’t escape the hideous MTV promo. It consisted of stills from The City, Bromance and The Real World with bits of Obama’s acceptance speech in the background. We’re not stupid, MTV. We know that your reality shows aren’t going to heal this nation. It’s particularly annoying because of the inauguration yesterday and what that represents for people couldn’t be farther from these shows. So, “No You Can’t,” MTV. Zip it. Okay, done ranting.

Back at Camp Eunuch, it’s time to share the uber-macho stories of our lad’s conquests. We learn that Brody likes to do it in the back seat in parking lots, his mother dated Elvis and his parents met at the Playboy Mansion (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree), Femi almost had his cherry popped in a department store dressing room but he couldn’t figure out where to put it in (to his credit, he was too distracted by the bras and panties he could have been trying on), Bahston fell down the stairs after making out with a chick at a party (brain damage, anyone?), and Neuter Boy’s condom was too tight (one foot and three inches, ladies!). Alex had a threesome with a dude (Brody makes a mental note for later) but what about our VERY straight Gary? He replies that he doesn’t have any stories like that, only beautiful experiences. Only it wasn’t on a golf course, Gary, it was in a sweaty dance studio, and it wasn’t with a girl, it was with a New Kids on the Block poster.

It’s beddie-bye time and our five young lads retire for the evening in one small tent (damn you, Seacrest!) whilst our hero and his trusty Hangers-on are getting up to no good. Because nothing spells friendship as much as a baby alligator in your tent.

Unless it’s the baby alligator in Brody’s tent.

Once the baby gator makes his appearance,the Bro-tent goes insane with arms flailing and limbs sticking out of zippers (the tent zippers, you perverts) until Femi manages to get the little reptile out. Not one prone to humility, Femi declares that he saved their lives. Which I beleive, since as we all realize by now, Femi knows his animals.

Continuing on with my alligator as a metaphor for a penis, this is what yours will look like if you sleep with Paris Hilton.

Green and covered in scales.

Gary is up earlier the next morning than the other guys and the campsite is swarming with bees. I think that it’s safe to assume that none of these geniuses has ever been to camp before because who leaves food and dirty dishes out overnight? They’re lucky all they woke up to was bees and not an ass raping by Smokey the Bear. Femi tries to spray the bees with what looks like a can of OFF and then runs away like a spazz on meth. Bahston and Alex calmly clean up the mess while the other three watch from their camp chairs. I think that they are just jealous that the only two guys with any balls may actually be starting up a Bromance of their own. Hey Brody, I smell a threesome! And Seacrest can watch! Who am I kidding, he’s no doubt already holed up in the production van yanking his Keebler penis with tweezers.

On to the day’s festivities. It’s Gregory, motivational speaker and life coach! He’s going to help the boys get in touch with their feelings! He’s going to help them become who they were meant to be! Well, Gaygory, I think that they have that one covered. Every single one of these tools have become exactly what they set out to be, they will forever be in the Pantheon of realitards, made fun of by Joel McHale, and doomed to drunkenly telling local barflies that once, just once, they were somebody.

He makes them jump up and down, yelling “hoogity-boogity,” then they engage in primal screams. They hold hands and recite a poem, specially written for this day by Gaygory himself. I’ve taken some liberties with the actual content;

“I deserve to be a Reality Star.”

“I will write a tell-all and give truthful and fearless interviews to USweekly”

“I can be a great friend, until I get my own Reality show.”

It’s time for the boys to reveal their greatest fear. I understand sharing with the goal of becoming better friends with people. We’ve all done it, but this guy/guru gives me the creeps. I’m not a Scientologist but I have an innate fear of psychobabble. I wouldn’t tell a stranger my deepest secrets, even if they did take an oath. But, no worries for these guys. I won’t remember a word of it tomorrow. (thank you, Cabernet Sauvignon!)

Femi’s biggest fear is being alone. That’s pretty sad. All the guys reassure him that it wouldn’t be the same without him. I think that we can all second that emotion. What else are you going to say? Nobody wants to be killed in their sleeping bag by a guy who doesn’t even know that he’s a human being.

Brody says his fear is losing those he loves. He admits to being a big Mamma’s boy, which may explain Gaygory’s presence. Mamma must have made him watch a few too many episodes of the Oprah show. Or Dr. Phil.

Luke is afraid of being the outcast, hence the joking around for approval.

Alex is afraid that he won’t have a family when he grows older. Typical child of divorce.

Neuter Boy pansies out and says the same stuff Alex did about losing those he loves. Rethink that, kid. Your biggest fear should be the heckler in the front row at your first gig at The Laugh Shack.

Gary is afraid of opening up. Really? Try owning your inner gay. If Tweezerman were here, he’d make sure you were waving the freak flag all over the place by now.

They do a trust-fall next, where they declare their beleif in Bromance and why they think they deserve to be the guy to clean up Brody’s vomit and relish his sloppy seconds. This is where I take a break and eat some raw meat and wash it down with moonshine because otherwise I would be holding hands with a shotgun.

Even Hello Kitty has a gun in her mouth right now.

Elimination time, bitches! The penthouse terrace has reached new heights of skankitude with tubs full of bubble bath and pink bikini clad women. Let me count here…..five tubs, five butterfaces. Five girls who already used the towels to wipe the producer’s jism off their faces. Five girls that the Hanger’s-on will date rape later. But that’s for after the show. For now, somebody’s going home.

And it’s not with a girl.

Alex says Gary should go home because it’s not a comfortable environment for him to find himself and Brody agrees, but not before all the guys who are safe hop into their tubs with the smallest tittied chicks I have ever seen in L.A. They must be fifteen or something because everyone knows that you get fake boobs before your eighteenth birthday or they give you a bus ticket to Iowa.

So bye-bye Gary, I hope you find your true path. I can tell you this much, it involves some big choices, like deciding if you’re a bottom or a top. Good luck!

When it comes to Mr. Bubble, Luke goes both ways.

Who will go next? The obvious choices are Neuter Boy and Femi. I can’t wait for the fake jeans campaign next week, complete with a topless bent over Brody. (Damn you, Seacrest!) Till then, Love and Kisses, Twunty