After spending last week’s episode visiting every radio station on the east coast, Shwayze and the boyz are back in home town L.A. And we join them this week as they make yet another radio station appearance. They’re promoting their upcoming performance at Wango Tango, a giant concert with a catchy name.I’ve noticed that whenever the boyz sit down for an interview, there are only a few topics they can discuss. Topic 1: The first single, “Buzzin.” Topic 2: The fabulous young Hollywood lifestyle the boyz lead. Topic 3: Shwayze’s atypical background as a black guy who grew up in Malibu’s only trailer park.
And today, they’re discussing Topic 3. The DJ begins, “So you’re the only black guy in Malibu. That’s hilarious.” I don’t know that I’d classify it as traditionally hilarious. It’s more like…I don’t know…a fact?
IT’S FUNNY, BUT NOT FUNNY HA-HA.
As they walk out of the station, the boyz whip out their Flip cam to take some lousy video of their uneventful exit. They also talk about their upcoming Wango Tango show. Cisco says “We’ll be playing in between Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers.” Warren responds with “Isn’t it illegal for you to go between Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers?”
Kind of a stretch for a pedophile joke, but Cisco doesn’t miss a beat as he comes back with “No, it’s consensual.”
Takes one to know one, I guess. By which I mean takes a good pedophilia joke teller to know a good pedophilia joke teller.
YEAH, WE WENT THERE.
Later, on their way to an out of town radio show appearance, the boyz are in the backseat of the Party Van, hassling Chris, the record label guy behind the wheel, about his sense of direction. They’re convinced he’s lost; he knows they don’t know nothing. “I will bet you anything that you are lost,” Warren offers, so sure that he is right. Cisco seconds the motion with, “I sense a challenge.”
“Okay,” says Chris. “Loser has to jump in the pool naked.”
Woah woah woah. Now you’re really steering everyone into weird territory, Chris. I have some questions. Why was this your first suggestion for the loser of the bet? Why not the classic “owes me a coke?” Or I guess “owes me a beer” is more your speed. How long have you been trying to see Warren naked? And, lastly, what pool?
SOME PEOPLE WAIT A LIFETIME FOR A MOMENT LIKE THIS.
When Chris finally delivers the boyz to the hotel, he and Cisco are way too ready to make Warren do as he’s promised. So ready, in fact, that they can’t even wait until they find a pool on hotel grounds. Instead, they pull the Party Van over when they reach a duck and flamingo pond by the entrance.
THE REAL VICTIMS
Hurrying before they get caught, Warren climbs into the murky, shallow waters. Because, apparently, a stipulation of the bet is that he must be completely submerged, he squats down to get his head wet. Eep! Keep your mouth and eyes closed! He then rushes to get back out. Done and done.
A LITTLE SALMONELLA NEVER HURT NO ONE NO HOW.
Next up in the episode, we’re treated to a touring montage with clips of the boyz visiting stations in Seattle and Phoenix. There is footage of them shirtless on stage. Shots of dancing hussies. Shots of them sleeping on planes, trains, and automobiles. But the highlight of this whole interlude is when Warren gets friendly with one radio station’s mascot.
JUST SO DESPERATE FOR A HUG
The giant dog licks and climbs all over Warren, prompting Cisco to tease, “That’s the hottest girl he’s been with all week.” Oh hardy har har.
Just when the boyz think they’ve made their last appearance and can finally get back to L.A. for some rest, Jordan calls and tells them he’s booked another appearance in Portland.
ALRIGHT, WE’LL DO IT. BUT YOU’LL NEED TO SEND US MORE STUPID SUNGLASSES.
They’re all bummed out that they need to drag themselves to yet another interview, but they manage to pull themselves together, show up at the station, and run through the usual 3 topics. In the clip from the Portland experience, the DJ brings up Topic 2: The fabulous young Hollywood lifestyle the boyz lead. He asks, “So is your life really like it is in your videos, with girls everywhere?” Cisco chimes in with, “No, it’s better.”
Really? Because your life kind of looks like it’s exhausting and lame right now. And I’ve seen no girls anywhere.
But that’s about to change in the upcoming scene.
It begins with Warren’s simple request that they pull the Party Van into the upcoming gas station so he can grab some coffee. And then there is screaming and the Flip cam footage is just of people being jostled around in the car. Uh oh.
They drove their rented Jeep over what Shwayze calls a “mini cliff.”
OTHERS WOULD CALL IT A MEGA CURB
They get out to inspect the damage and Warren starts talking physics, saying how the car is teetering on a fulcrum. Okay, yes that’s very clever of you Warren. But really, what does that have to do with anything? Does it solve their problem of figuring out how to move the Jeep?
The boyz must not have gone far from the station when this little mishap occurred, because the DJ comes out to check on them. Warren then starts up with his next theory, about how if they were in Dukes of Hazard their car would have just flown right over the cliff and soared high into the sky. Again, super helpful, Warren.
Just then, there is a honk honk of another car pulling into the lot. The boyz look over to discover it’s a car full of chicks.
This one actually had me a little worried because it sure looked like she wasn’t wearing her bottoms:
READY FOR ANYTHING
But don’t worry, it was just an oddly held towel. Cisco walks right over to them and asks if they want to go get a drink. The other boyz follow suit and start in with their usual macking techniques. They even have the DJ call up his station and tell them to play “Buzzin” and dedicate it to the girls.
HANG ON,LET ME JUST UNLOAD ALL OF MY JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CDS TO MAKE ROOM FOR YOUR CD I’VE NEVER HEARD OF
Eventually a tow truck arrives and it’s back to business for the gang, which is too bad because the boyz are desperate for a little R&R (Rum & Roofies).
But they should know when their first appointment after returning to L.A. is to meet with manager Jordan that there is no fun in their future.
NO FUN. JUST BAD UPHOLSTERY.
The gang stops by his office where he asks them what the heck happened to the Jeep they rented and why he’s getting bills for damage and repairs. Shwayze begins, “We ran over this little cliff…”
Then Cisco, realizing that Shwayze’s answer is both overdramatic and destined to get them in more trouble, adds, “It looked like an exit from the gas station.”
Feeling like they aren’t doing okay on their own, it’s time for Warren to step in with the end all be all of explanations. “The proprietor of the gas station admitted all guilt.” Ah, Warren, I love how you always speak even when you aren’t spoken to. I love how you speak in old fashioned, irrelevant and suspiciously legal-sounding terms. I love, most of all, how you just blamed the gas station owner for Shwayze driving the Jeep over a “mini cliff.”
Jordan concludes it all with “Okay…” before pressing forward and covering the next topic on their agenda. Time to practice. Now. Wango Tango’s in 4 days and the boyz may not be ready to perform the 2. 5 songs they’ve just been playing at every Top 40 formatted FM radio station on their tour.
Even though Jordan promises them a nice rehearsal space in Malibu, the boyz all secretly dream of being able to vacation in exotic lands. I have to say, I don’t blame them for scoffing at time in Malibu. After all, it’s where they grew up. This is like someone asking me if I want a romantic get-a-way in my home town. Long walks in the mall…Dinner at Applebee’s.
So when they leave Jordan’s office and make their way to the elevator, Cisco starts scheming. “My buddy has the sickest cabin in Big Bear. We can go fishing.” Warren perks up. “Fishing? That’s kind of my forte.” I don’t know if at this point I should argue that I don’t think anyone’s any better at fishing than anyone else because it just depends how dumb the fish is. Or if I should argue that I highly doubt that Warren’s good at anything.
WHEN IN DOUBT, ASK THE FISH
The next day they head up to the cabin, where they discover fresh air and beautiful views. Immediately, however, Shwayze has regrets. “Aw man, we shoulda brought girls.” Ah, well coulda woulda shoulda. Maybe you can go find some in a gas station parking lot again. (Sorry, ladies!)
I WAS GETTING SICK OF SLUMMING IT
When they run out of things to say to one another while sitting around the cabin, they take a boat out on the lake and go fishing. Because none of them have ever actually done this before (shut up, Warren), they hire a local guide, Alex. Oh, poor Alex doesn’t know what he’s getting into with this lot of chuckleheads.
The boyz drive the boat out into the lake and drop anchor at a good fishing spot. Alex tries to help Warren put his lure on the hook (which any good fisherman would know how to do himself, Warren). As he looks on, Warren asks, “Anyone ever tell you you look like Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain?”
WHATEVER DUDE. AT LEAST I HAVE A REAL JOB.
Unsure of how to respond, he says nothing. I don’t know if Warren’s picking on the poor guy or if he’s just missing female companionship already. For the rest of the fishing trip, he is known as Jake.
Meanwhile, back in L.A., Jordan and his sidekick Dave drop by the rehearsal studio to see how the boyz are coming along. But they arrive to find…no one. The receptionist informs them that Shwayze called to cancel all of their sessions. Displeased, Jordan unleashes a manhunt. While pacing around his office, Dave and Kat do all of the work. Finally, Kat discovers a clue. “They’re around somewhere because they’ve been logging into their myspace pages and blogging.”
NO ONE USES MYSPACE ANY MORE. KEEP LOOKING.
Kat reads one of their blogs out loud. “We’re relaxing and fishing in Big Bear. We wanted a break before the madness of Wango Tango.” Jordan is silent. He looks around the office. He very discretely shits a brick. And then offers up, “That’s good. They could use a break. I’m happy about that.”
Back at the lake, the boyz have caught zero fish, despite Jake’s reluctant help. So Warren decides it’s time to give up and head home.
AY AY, CAP’N
They speed off in the direction of the cabin, but within moments there’s a horrible clunky sound, and then a huge splash. And then the boat stops. Looks like someone forgot to pull up the anchor and now it’s tangled in the propellers. (Who knew I knew anything about boat words? Not me!)
While Warren gawks at Jake “You look more like Jake Gyllenhaal with wet hair,” the poor hired hand is forced to lower himself down off the back of the boat and untangle things. Here’s the part where I held my breath and hoped he didn’t get caught in the propellers and get all chopped up.
Luckily, that didn’t happen, but he did fall in the water.
Later that evening, the boyz decide to head back outside and see if they can catch any fish while standing at the water’s edge. You’d think fishing forte Warren would tell them they’d have even worse chances than they did on the boat, but he is all enthusiastic about the new plan.
While outside, they hear a voice from behind them. “Hey guys!” They turn to discover Jordan approaching them. “Uh…Jordan..what are you doing here?”
DON’T YOU KNOW I OWN YOU?
So Jordan informs them that they can’t escape his clutches and that they must start practicing before Wango Tango. And so he is going to stay at the cabin with them. And he brought Dave and Kat. Oh joy.
The following morning, Kat has the boyz record a little promo for Wango Tango, and then she sets them free to resume their fishing excursion.
Well, they aren’t totally set free. Jordan decides he’s coming on the boat with them. But don’t worry, he spends most of the time minding his own business, talking on his cell phone. Perhaps all is not lost. Their little mountain getaway remains pretty relaxing.
WE’RE ON A BOAT!
After spending an hour begging Jordan to get off his phone because his voice is scaring away the fish, he finally hangs up and announces he has to pee. “And when I have to pee, you have to deal with it.” Okay he doesn’t say that exactly, but it’s his attitude about the situation.
Fortunately for Jordan, there happens to be two floating port-a-potties on the lake. No really, they float on this little dock.
REALLY THE ENTRANCE TO MY SECRET UNDERGROUND BUNKER
When Jordan re-emerges from the bathroom after a few seconds, he finds the boyz have driven off with the boat. They float about 100 yards away from him, yelling that if he swears to stop talking on his phone then they’ll come pick him up. He responds with “Well I need to talk on my phone, so…pick me up.” This goes back and forth as Cisco steers the boat and drives them further and further away.
Finally, realizing that Jordan does, as mentioned earlier, own them, they give up and drive back to get him. Boy, that was pointless, eh?
Relaxing trip out of the way, the boyz and Team Jordan head back to L.A. And now it’s time for Wango Tango. The crowd is enormous and full of screaming girls, much to Cisco and Shwayze’s delight. While they’re backstage getting ready, Jordan and Dave do a little scheming. They’ve mentioned a few times how they are planning a top secret “stunt” for the show. And it looks like everything is in place.
THEY’LL BE SO SURPRISED WHEN I FIRE THEIR ASSES…STUNT THIS!
After the boyz perform, Jordan calls them to come off stage and look at the surprise he has planned for them. He points up into the night sky.
IT’S A BIRD…IT’S A PLANE…IT’S SHWAYZE!
As the boyz rejoice at their insanely ridiculous advertising stunt, Jordan remarks, “See, that’s why I was so busy on the phone while you were fishing. Isn’t it worth it?”