Double Shot At Love: Yay For Fake Lesbians!

Hello Gasmii! It’s me, J-Mo, back from the land of limbo (and pageants featuring big drag queens) and I’m all fired up and ready to wreak havoc on an actual MTV show! Although I am mostly a Bravo! junkie (all my previous recaps have been of hairstyling and interior design shows) I have occasionally tuned into Making The Band (Boom-KAT!) and My Super Sweet Sixteen (Rich-BITCHES!), and sometimes even The Real World (glug-glug-glug-*URP*!) so I figured I’m still young and hip enough to be able to relate to one of their shows (and old enough to be ultra-grateful that this kind of crap isn’t aimed at my generation). Of course, the fact that I used the word “hip” is a dead giveaway that I’m anything but, but so what? Anyhow, I told Flipit that I wanted a show that had some kind of gay element to it…

…”Wait… there’s a gay element to this show??!?… Eww!!!”…

And so here we are, in the land of psuedo-porn queens Erica and Victoria Mongeon, a.k.a. Rikki and Vikki, “The Ikki Twins”, both of whom claim to be bisexual (under certain circumstances, I’m sure… such as non-sobriety) and who are ready to take A Double Shot At Love… and where better to find true love than on a reality MTV show, right? Hey, it worked for Tila Tequila… sorta… okay, not really, but that doesn’t mean it won’t work for our Twinsies… so, let’s take a hard look (pun intended if you’re a turgid boy teen watching this show) at how much fake-lesbianism can be exploited after the jump, a’ight?

In case you’ve never seen this show, the basic premise is this: there will be 12 “lesbians” and 12 “straight guys” that will be picked to live in a house, and have their lives taped, to see what happens when people stop being polite, and start getting drunk and making out with anything that has an orifice they can stick their tongues into. Rikki and Vikki are considered the Ultimate Prize here, whoever makes it to the end of the show will be in love with them. I guess.

In an effort to find out more about these mysterious Stikki Twins, I committed several seconds to researching them (a.k.a. wikipedia and google) and I discovered that they are extremely talented young ladies who are quite proud of being able to stand next to expensive cars and hold up large phallic hockey sticks (alongside lounging nude next to and on top of each other in semi-incestuous poses, nipples rubbing… Eww, Ikki Twins, indeed!) and supposedly they both “came out as bisexual” while working as Hooters waitresses (that wouldn’t have been a cheap ploy to get twice the tips for serving mediocre food to horny straight guys envisioning sordid three-ways involving their girlfriends and a stray Quikki Twin, would it?) and now they’ve landed on my computer screen in all their glory!

I added the rainbow polka-dot granny-undies to keep things safe for work viewing.

The show begins with the Twins insisting that this is the first time they’ve ever dated the same people, and that they “each have very different tastes in men and women!” But first, they’re going to play a little trick on their 24 potential love-mates by pretending there’s only one of them, and switching places with each other periodically to add some manufactured drama! I’m certain that, as identical twins, this concept is completely foreign and unfamiliar to them…

…”Sooo, you’re gonna go to that cold-handed gynecologist for me on Tuesday, right?”…

BTW, the theme song has a lyric that goes “trickle down my body, boys and girls are feelin’ naughty”. Sounds like a hit.

We open on a garishly decorated mansion, and the Sikki Twins are tarting themselves up and expositing about how the “12 sexy lesbians and 12 hot straight guys” are gonna get there to meet them. Cut to two helicopters each toting a giant wooden crate, one marked “GIRLS” and the other marked “BOYS”. The insides of the crates are lined in pink and blue shag carpeting respectively and our Ikkitestants are being jostled about screaming while disco balls twinkle merrily overhead…

…funny how the camera is tilting the wrong way for them to be “falling” against the upside wall…

This is obviously a disorienting and frightening experience for these young people, as David (L.A. Tattoo Artist) smartly says, “I’m glad I wasn’t drinkin’ beforehand, cuz, I mean, I prolly woulda lost my lunch!”…

…there are 11 other guys who are glad he wasn’t making this face, too…

Although, not everyone is so freaked out, as Rosemarie (Lowong Oylund Go-Go Dancer) attests, “The last time I was in a pink, furry box… was about two weeks ago!” *giggle* *snort* Ahhhh, good to know we have a Mistress Of Le Double-Entendré on board! I get it, Rosemarie, although I’d like to think you were in a pink furry box because someone was trying to bury you alive, but alas, I’m sure you mean you were vacuuming a carpet somewhere (two can play this game).

Inside the slightly less witty box is Matt (Waterford NY Personal Trainer) who says he’s really “pumped to meet this girl finally… and figure out… who she is…”…

…I’m gonna guess that Matt also has a hard time trying to figure out why his chest tattoos always look upside down to him…

Both the boys and the girls are chanting “LET US OUT! LET US OUT!” as Rikki and Vikki tip-toe around the outsides of the boxes listening to them scream. These people are obviously in severe hunger for love, and only Ikki love will satisfy their cravings. “I GODDA meet dis GIRL arready!” yells Scott (Paramus NJ First Aid Equipment Salesman)…

…Hmmmm, shirtless, pink doo-rag, killer blowjobface?… J-Mo likes him already!…

Rikki is going to do the first meet’n'greet, while Vikki watches via monitor from a tackily decorated upstairs bedroom… and they decide to open the Girls’ Box first. As the lesbianas spill out in a wave of estrogen-fueled lust, they are struck dumb by… okay, well, I guess that would be redundant, so let’s say they are awestruck instead by Rikki’s smoldering (yet vapid) beauty. She explains that she is buysexual and that she’s looking for love… but she doesn’t know if it’s going to be with a penis or a vahjine…

…I really wish she wouldn’t gank Janet’s sign-language…and I’d advise these kids to take heed of the title of Janet’s single…

She gives them all keys, the possession of which must be surrendered if their Shot At Love misses the mark… this prompts the PRL (Possibly Real Lesbian) and NY Mortuary Student (creepy) Bella to gush, “I wuanna hold dis key with my deah LUAIFE!!!”…

…she also hopes to shake the persistent scent of formaldehyde she exudes…

With that, the laydeez burst into the mansion, which has eye-watering amounts of both neon and Ikea furniture… the decor really impresses Texas Model Xoe (pronounced ZOH-ee) who favors lots of kohl eye-shadow (to the point of looking like she’s been popped a good one in both eyes) and she just can’t get over how the house is “like huge and amazing and, like, all of this cool, just, weird colors everywhere, and, it was awesome!”…

…”Don’t hit me, can’t you see I’ve got double shiners already??!”…

Pssst! Xoe! Those “weird colors” are called “tasteless interior decorating” and you can see more of them in the Playland of your local McDonald’s. Anyhow, some of the girls discover that there is *gasp* a photo booth in the house and they decide to cram all their hair and tits into it to try and take an awesome gangstaporn picture…

…they’re so excited, you’d think they’d never been to a mall and seen one of these before…

With that, it’s time to hit the bar and start drinking, because on this show, that’s how you bring out the lesbionics and trashy behavior. Chants of “BAH-DEE-SHOTS!! BAH-DEE-SHOTS!!” abound. Smack in the middle of the chorus is a BPRL (Butchy-er Possibly Real Lesbian) and Manhattan Chef whose name (of course) is the androgynous Nicky…

…I know I’m not the only one who has noticed a lot of semi-butch lesbians like to favor Justin Timberlake…

So far, Nicky’s the only butch grrrl in da house. Rikki comes out to mingle (where did she go?) and Vikki’s watching from upstairs, feeling all jealous that she’s not the one down in the middle of VaginaVille, and hoping like mad that Rikki isn’t “gonna mess up and let our secret slip!” Welllll, have a little faith, Vikki… I somehow doubt that the term “monozygotic” is going to come up naturally in conversations here… and any mention of “twins” will automatically be assumed as a reference to breasts.

Rikki is super-impressed with these girls’ knowledge of how to “party” (i.e. drink their faces off) and decides to take a couple of them aside to get to know them a little better. She chooses Faceless Blonde and Michigan Human Resources Student Kali… and the only black girl, Claudia, who immediately dumps her Shot At Love in the dirt when she reveals to Rikki that she is, in fact, a dominatrix…

…*sigh*… “A Double Shot At Love” doesn’t refer to a right-left punch combo, Clauds…

Claudinatrix explains “Some people, you know, just wanna be smacked around, some people just wanna be teased… everybody’s different.” This isn’t exactly the most technical description of dominatricism I’ve ever heard, and it is winning her exactly zero points with Rikki, who is recoiling and looking like she’s ready to call security on this girl at the first false move. Claudia, on the other hand, seems to think that her disclosure was somehow “intriguing” to Rikki. That is sooooo like a dominatrix for ya, they always think everyone is interested in letting them beat the hell out of you.

Heading for infinitely safer (and much more vanilla) waters, Rikki turns to Kali and asks her if she’d ever do anything like that. Kali says that although she looks innocent, she’s totally into “that fun stuff”…

…”fun stuff” like kissing… with your mouth open (no tongues, though)…

Rikki thinks that if she were forced to choose between Claudinatrix and Kali, being dominated by Kali would be fun, “She could tie me up any day!” Dear Kali: please please please tie her up and leave her in the linen closet for the rest of the show? Kthx, love, J-Mo =)

Moving on, our Mistress Of Le Double-Entendré (Rosemarie The Go-Go Dancer) in unloading a sad diatribe about having “wualls up” because she’s been cheated on in the past, and has been through a lot of shit in her life, she wants to be with someone who is not “full of shit or who has an agenda.” Tsssss, Rosemarie, honey, Rikki doesn’t wanna hear about your baggage and relationship woes, she just wants to hear how gorgeous she is…

…”Soooo, that means you think I look hot, right?”…

Rikki is insisting to us that Rosemarie is “stepped out of a magazine hot”. Mmmmm, maybe if that magazine was “Desperate Famewhores Monthly”. Vikki in the bedroom is noticing that Rosemarie is “like, in her underwear” and I can’t see where Vikki’s hands are.

Chunky Michigan Chiropractic Assistant Angela is now in the hotseat, Rikki is creepily playing with her hair and asking her if she’s ever been in love. Angela’s admitting she’s never been in a serious relationship with a girl, but she rilly rilly wants to. She goes on to interview that she’s always liked girls and that she loves rilly rilly big tits…

…Maybe four B’s equal two Double-D’s?…

Back outside, New York Lifeguard Jen is telling Rikki she’s “completely lesbian” and that her girlfriends are usually “really pretty” (like she’s going to admit to dating an uggo, puh-leeze!) and that her family is pretty accepting of her (“My dad understands it!” she giggles, which makes her dad sound like a giant pervert with a large porn collection featuring a lot of that silly breathless gauzy fruitless girl-on-girl kissing and rubbing action that feeds unhealthy straight-guy lesbian fantasies everywhere… kudos to your understanding dad, Jen!). Jen wants Rikki to kiss her on the cheek, and Rikki wants Jen to kiss her on the cheek, and when they lean in together, they both wind up like this…

…yup, I didn’t see that one coming from a mile away!…

While conservative parents across the nation rush to their computers to email their displeasure to MTV, Rikki and Jen share a sloppy open-mouther while Vikki bounces up and down on the bed upstairs and giggles “They’re kissing!” like it’s her first time seeing her twin-sister do anything like this. Somehow I suspect this may be closer to the truth than their supposed buysexuality…

(((PAUSE FOR NEWS FLASH)))

Some of you Gasmii may have already heard about this, and I want to address it here, because it’s really tragic news. The girl who is about to make her first speaking appearance on the show, Kandice Hutchinson, was killed in a car crash on a Euless, Texas freeway in the early morning hours of October 21st, after A Double Shot At Love had already completed production. She was ejected from her car over the center-divider into the oncoming lanes of traffic and died at the scene. Out of respect to her family, MTV edited out some scenes of Kandice’s more outrageous behavior on the show.

Interestingly enough, her mother Valerie Campbell is apparently not happy about this and wants them to air the footage as taken “because she says that’s just how her daughter was, and that’s how she wants to see her.” I’m not sure how to interpret that, but the whole situation is sad nonetheless. I just wanted to make sure everybody knew before I continued this recap. We now return to our regularly scheduled trashy programming…

(((END PAUSE)))

While Rikki and Jen continue to kiss each other (and Jen’s hands are starting to land on Rikki’s chest) a voice out of nowhere says “How nice! Can I come in between?” *record scratch* Jen is quick to retort “Not really!” and here comes Texas Make-Up Artist Kandice, who replies “Umm, but I will… just… like… that!” and immediately plunks herself down betwixt the two (half on top of Jen, who extricates herself and snarls “Dude, get off me!”) Her very large breasts now have Rikki’s full field of vision…

…we can certainly see those coming from a mile away!…

Jen is highly pissed as she recalls the encounter, “She sat on me, squeezed the air out of my lungs… and stole my date! Pissed me off!” Jen stomps off as Rikki pretty much forgets all about her because she is mesmerized by Kandice’s eye-makeup (up in the bedroom Vikki wonders aloud “Does this girl, like, spray her eyes like that?”)…

…truth be told, she does look mighty dragalicious…



…and I know from whence I speak…

She introduces herself to Rikki as “Kandi”, and Rikki calls her makeup “amazing” and “incredible”, which can really be taken in more than one way. They aren’t shown kissing, but in a throaty voice, Kandice says the time she got to spend with Rikki was “phenomenal”. I’m wondering if there was a deleted scene here, as it seems rather an abrupt end to her and Rikki’s interaction.

Later, while Tacoma Bartender Rebekah is busy comparing Rikki to a silly plastic rose (which is probably far more apropos than she realizes) and getting her kiss on, our girl Kandi goes up to Jen and tries to take her aside for a little chat, possibly to smooth over Jen’s ruffled feathers at being sat on. Jen’s not having it, though, and calls Kandi “a fake bitch” (behind her back during interview, natch!) for trying to make peace with her when she just KNEW that Jen didn’t like her! How dare she!! This is a reality tv show!!! On MTV!!!! There will be no peace-making allowed here in gaudy-ass IkkiLand…

Jen goes on the offensive, “Can I be completely honest with you? Your presence annoys me!” That’s all Kandice needed to respond with “Come on, don’t fucking make me start!” Attempting the technical disqualification route, Jen tries a baiting tactic, “Dude, what are you gonna do, punch me?” but Kandice wisely knows her tv contract and recites, “Fighting is not tolerated, so I’ll-” Jen cuts her off, “Oh, but drinking heavily is!” Well, duh, Jen, this is a reality tv show!!! On MTV!!!! Strangely enough, this seems to be the right button to push Kandice over the edge, and she screams back “I’m not drinking fucking heavily, I’ve had two goddamn beers!”…

…and I’m guessing she’s about 0.003 seconds away from pitching one of them at Jen’s face…

So Kandice is all “Get the fuck off my ass!” and Jen is all “Don’t scream at me!” and Kandice goes “You wanna start with me?” and Jen goes “You wanna start with me!” and Kandice is like “Who the fuck are you?” and Jen is like “Are you gonna ask me to be nice to you?!?” and Kandice is all “I’m not asking you to be nice to me!” and Jen is all “I don’t wanna be nice to you so don’t ask me!” and I’m all going like “Jumped-up-Jesus-Christmas-on-a-cracker, where is Claudinatrix to smack the both of them around when you need her??!?” Then I felt silly for screaming at my TV.

Rikki and Rebekah are continuing their lip-lock, completely unaware that Jen and Kandice have regressed to seventh-grade-level-catfighting, but when they finally resurface for air and rejoin the girls, they can see that something is amiss, the tension is quite thick, and the others have wisely separated the two alpha-bitches before this show becomes more like Ultimate SlapFighter…

Now Rikki’s heading upstairs to “download” with Vikki and make their first switch. Isn’t milleniumspeak amazing? In my day we’d have just called it “gossiping” (and personally, I’ve always associated “downloading” with what happens suddenly in the restroom after FourthMeal from Taco Bell) but whatever. After she fills her Doublemint Twin in on who she liked/kissed/fondled it’s now Vikki’s turn to head down into the Sea of Ovaries and find out more. Vikki’s feeling the pressure, she’s sooooo afraid she’s going to mess up and blow their secret. I don’t think she has anything to worry about, I’d say most of the girls are drunk enough now that the two Ikkis could appear side by side and they’d never know the diff.

Vikki quickly grabs our girl Xoe and heads outside so Xoe can let her in on the fascinating tidbit that she spells her name X-O-E, and wisely blows smoke up her ass by telling Vix that even though all the girls are very beautiful (wow, even Butch Nicky!) she’d still probably choose her to go after! Awww, how sweet!…

…funny how Vix completely missed the fact that Xoe said “probably”…

She is pretty cute, even if she looks like a raccoon. Moving on, Vikki decides to get to know New Jersey Hairstylist Dana. Vikki lies and says she’s always wanted to visit New Jersey cuz it seems “pretty crazy” (which prompts Rikki watching in the upstairs bedroom to shout “We’ve been there, you moron!”) and that she’s heard Jersey people are “pretty crazy”, too. Dana, who sounds like her Xanax hasn’t worn off yet, slowly agrees with her and says they’re pretty outgoing and “in your face”. Vikki spots an opening and leads off with “Is that you?” (obviously hoping for her first lip-lock of the night) but poor clueless Dana just says “Yeeuh… Usually.” and the two of them stare at each other while crickets chirp…

…Yo, Joisey Goil! Thassa missed awppatoonidy youah watchin’ get smuallah and smuallah…

Dana’s MENSA card just burst into flames inside her purse. Ho-hum, moving on, Bella gets her first chance to tell Vix all about herself and decides to reveal that she has 13 tattoos, and proceeds to show/explain them all! (Two Stars of David, her Dead Grandpa, Boston Red Sox Logo, a Dragon, a Latin Phrase, a Loafuh Bread, a Containuh of Milk, and a Stickuh Buttah) and Vikki’s eyes are glazing over (more than usual)…

…When Tattoo Tales Approach “Titanic” Length…

In the Cone Of Silence upstairs Rikki mutters “I don’t really like tattoos.” Nice meeting you Bella! Vikki heads back up and switches places with Rikki just in time for her to announce to the girls that it’s really important to see the “animal” inside each of them, so they’re all going to have to dress up in some kind of sexy little animal costume and parade themselves at a “Petting Zoo” for Rikki’s pleasure. Rikki explains that they’re doing this so that they can “see how sexy they are”. Um, half the girls aren’t even wearing any panties, how much more sexified do they need to be? Oh yeah, and bestiality fetish much?

It’s promising to note that obviously none of the lesbians chosen to appear on this show are hardcore feminists, because to me there’s something just creepy and pornlike about being made to prance around dressed like various protein sources on TV. But at least they’re on TV, and I’m not, so what do I know?…

…that this is just plain wrong…

Yes, sexy little Xoe got to be a “spider” (wearing a teensy black bra and panties and spraying jizz-like Silly String all over the place) while Angela is made to wear the “cow” costume and come out mooing, squeezing her ample breasts and prompting Vikki (they’ve switched again!) to trot out that tired-ass catchphrase “Got milk?” I wish I could give her some (with a healthy shot of strychnine in it) for beating that dead cow again.

StupiDana from Joisey comes out dressed as a “chicken” (really nothing more than a beak, a yellow bra, panties and boa), while Boston Personal Trainer Elise (whom we haven’t really met yet) comes hopping out in a recycled Playboy “bunny” costume. Our girl Claudinatrix appears to have been given “ladybug” (as interpreted by Victoria’s Secret) and she’s making this weird rolling-r “rrrreeewwwrrr! rrrrreeeewwwrrr!” noise as she sashays down the zoo-way. Rikki takes the opportunity to point out from behind closed doors that “She doesn’t look very dominatrix-ey to me!”

…Gee, Rix, maybe that’s because this isn’t a dominatrix-ey outfit??!?…

I’d like to see Rikki doubt Claudia’s S&M creds to her face. I’d also like to see her get a special beat-down for making me type out “dominatrix-ey”. Anyhow, it’s time for Baggage-Laden Rosemarie to come out braying in her “donkey” costume (yet another bra-n-panty combo, with a tail and a prosthetic nose-mask, yawn) and then we are treated to Jen in her “goldfish” costume (neon-orange microskirt and sports bra with a skullcap that has googly eyes on each side). She says something about “I can’t wait to have your hook deep inside of me!” Classy.

Boring Kali is a “bee-girl” and you can tell she’s not going to make it past the first show because she’s all covered up. “Zzzzzzz” is right. Suddenly, Vikki and I are woken up by a terrible sound coming from behind the barn door! It’s a cross between a snort and a roar (a snoar?) and when the door bursts open, out stomps (you guessed it) Butchie Nicky as (oh puh-lease!) a “bulldyke”…

…nose-ring sold separately…

Are any of you real lesbians watching this getting pissed off yet? Yay for perpetuating stereotypes MTV! Of course the butchest girl had to be the bull! Ha ha.

Oh well, moving on to our girl Rebekah, she’s the “duck” (white babydoll dress, orange tights, a white feather boa, and a Gabrielle Carteris mask) who demurely says “I’m a duck… and I wanna *CENSORED WITH QUACK-QUACK*!” Ha ha. Even better still, our Make-Up Artist Kandice has been put into a “pig” costume (it just gets ruder and ruder in IkkiWorld!) which she looks to be in danger of popping out of at any second…

…Jeez, even I’m getting half a chubby!…

Of course, Jen takes the opportunity to snidely note how Kandy being a pig was “not really attractive”…

…and yet somehow she thinks this getup is??!?…

Besides, everybody loves pork. And ham. And especially bacon. And big tits. I think our Fishy-Poo is just a tad jealous of the Busty Piglet’s curvaceousness (and the fact that she obviously knows how to use it). Oh well, last one up is our Tatted PussyCat Bella (insert tasteless vaginal joke here) and now it’s time for Rikki and Vikki to confer and send four of the lesbianimals back to the zoo!

Bella thinks that she really had a connection with Rikki, that they really got to know each other (thanks to her Tattoo Lecture) and says she’s gonna be really fuckin’ pissed if she gets eliminated… “like, pissed!” This means she’s going home for sure. Jen is also scared because she knows she caused a huge and unnecessary ruckus with Kandice (who says herself “I think that I have no worries.”)

Rikki is the lucky one who gets to do the eliminations, and Vikki is glad for that because she hates “breaking people’s hearts”… And only a silly porn model (with an overwhelming ego) could even imagine that spending a couple of hours with her could be enough time to cause someone serious heartbreak. Now, heartburn on the other hand…

Meeting up with the girls in the elimination room, Rikki says that in order to find true love she’s going to have to “thin out the herd”. Niiiiice. As if being paraded in pornographic anthropomorphic pseudo-animal costumes wasn’t demeaning enough, now they’re a herd!

…do you get the feeling that Angela is starting to see my point of view?…

First to get the boot (and have to return her key) is our sad little Chicky-Poo StupiDana, whom Vikki says was “really hot, but boring”. That’s what you get for not “stepping it up” and flossing Vix’s teeth with your tongue. It’s back to Joisey fuh huh, fageddaboudit. Next to go is Ladybug Claudia, because Rikki says the fact of her dominatrixeyness was “a little bit wild for me”. Oh, I get it, a little S&M is not cool, but incestuous nude posing with your twin sister is. Well, I guess those “family values” trump all. I was hoping Claudia would smack her one on the way out but no dice. Way to keep alive the impression that they almost always get rid of the ethnic girls first on these shows.

Third in line to be sent packing is PussyCat Bella (and her 13 Tattoos!) who looks appropriately pissed… and only on her way out am I realizing that she is a dead ringer for 70′s teen star Kristy McNichol!…

…quite the pair of Little Darlings!…

Sadly, Bella looks pretty upset (Vikki admits all the tattoos were a turn-off) but if she’s this hurt by getting cut after only a few hours then the Ikki twins may have dodged a stalker bullet by letting her go now. She gets into her U-Haul and drives back to New York with plans to get 27 more tattoos…

The last one to be eliminated… is our Chunky Cow Girl Angela! She walks up to Rikki with a strange little smile on her face. Rikki says in all seriousness “You’re so sweet, and I really really wanted there to be something, but unfortunately there just wasn’t a spark.” Angela takes off her key, and still smiling says “Could be because I’m straight.”…

…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, the joke’s on you, Rikki!…

…and with that little nuclear explosion detonated, Angela literally struts her way out of the room! Awe. Some! Awwww, but Rikki’s looking like someone just murdered a baby seal in front of her (or told her incest porn isn’t exactly a respectable profession) and she starts to fake-cry! Sniffling and wiping nonexistent tears from under her eyes, she stammers “You guys, this isn’t funny! Like *sob*… like, I’m really doing this to find love, and it’s just not *snif*… it’s not a joke to me… I hope it’s not for you guys.”…

…”and don’t I look hot when I cry?”…

The room full of girls (dressed up as slutty animals) look suitably chastened at how much of a joke this whole situation really isn’t… because people who are seriously interested in finding true love go looking for it on reality MTV amongst a pile of vapid brainless famewhores and douchey dumbass jocktards! The Sad Guitar Of Ersatz-Compassionâ„¢ plays as Vikki says how bad she feels for Rikki being hurt like this, and Rikki herself says that by Angela saying she was straight, she felt “like a fool” and thinks that Angela was trying to “belittle” her. She’s conveniently forgetting which one of them was wearing the stupid cow costume in the Cheesecake Parade an hour ago.

Taking a deep cleansing breath, Rikki suddenly brightens and says now they can all get to know each other “for real” and that the following day all these “sexy bitches” are invited back to the house for a super sexy pool party and to “meet the competition”. A chorus of “wooooo”s erupts, everybody’s happy again. I guess she wasn’t feeling too foolish or belittled, huh?

Of course, Kandice is excited she made it through elimination, and Jen doesn’t understand how that happened. Two words, Jen: BIG. TITS. And with that, they all toast to “A Shot At Love” (in case you forgot the name of the show, or can’t read the logo in the lower right-hand corner of the screen that never leaves) and down a jigger of some kind of spirits…

…here’s to the people who can better carry off pretending to be lesbians…

Meanwhile, the boys have been sitting in their crate this entire time (riiiiiight) and one of them says “The last time I was in a furry room like this… it wasn’t with ten other guys!”…

…”Anybody wanna play Bop The Baloney?”…

I dunno who it was that said that, but it’s clear they can’t count to 11 with their pants on. Way to go, Mathlete! The Ikkis are re-tarting themselves to take on testosterone now, agreeing that the boys will be easier to fool because “guys don’t really notice the small things” (like your Ikki little brains) and that “as long as our boobs look the same, we’re cool!” Sadly, they’re probably right.

Rikki goes down to blow the lid off the boys’ box. I’m a little scared for her, they’ve been horny and cooped up in there for so long, I’m thinking there might be a Tailhook-style gang bang right there on the concrete if she’s not careful…

…who ordered the Big Box’O'DateRape?…

The boys are screaming and jumping up and down at their first sight of Rikki. San Diego Club Owner Josh proves himself to be a sensitive non-objectifier of women as he interviews “Whooooa, please tell me that this is what it is that I’m competing for, because… damn!” Hey Josh… “it” is a girl, and she even has a name.

I notice that Jersey Band-Aid Salesman Scott is acting all ‘roid-ragey and wearing a giant (obviously fake) gold chain, and says he didn’t know whether to fall to the ground or “run right after her” because she’s so beautiful. Boston Wall Street Salesman James says that when he saw Rikki he “was fully erect”…

…it’s disturbing that we can’t see his hands, either…

She gives them their keys and the boys follow her into McIkkiVille where they get their draink on. Jersey Scott (and his gay pink doo-rag) is quite excited by this, and when Rikki joins them he wastes no time in claiming the Alpha Douche role as he observes, “She’s got the breasts, the ass, everything… she’s a perfect 10! I don’t care about any of these kids, I’m the man of the house, she’s the woman of the house… let the king be with the queen…” aaaaand, he proceeds to shove his tongue down her throat…

…to be fair, Rikki’s not really putting up much of a fight…

I’m surprised he didn’t start humping her leg and pee on her a little to mark his territory. After getting to know all 10,000 of Scott’s taste buds, she goes outside to chat with Detroit Handyman Cory (who goes by “Coop”… and I sincerely hope that nickname has nothing to do with chicken) who immediately starts in with cheesy lines, such as, “I don’t know if I’m hot because of you… or because we sittin’ by the fireplace… but… I know you hot!” Rikki giggles and privately says Coop is “definitely smoove… he’s good with the words!” Words, yes. Grammar, not so much.

Coop continues to showcase his verbose eloquence as he compliments Rikki, “You have the most beautifullest feet that I’ve ever seen in my life.” Rikki probes, “You like toes?” and Coop admits he has a foot fetish… “Oh mah Gah… Rikki… *inhales*… got toes to die fo’!”…

…I doubt she’s gonna ever kiss you now, Tinactin-breath!…

Sure enough, Rikki thinks his fascination with feet is “borderline creepy”. She leaves her pumps for Coop to play with and wanders off to meet Pennsylvania Party Promoter Fazio, who starts boring her to tears with his tales of travelling to the Mediterranean (he goes for a lame compliment when he remembers he’s supposed to be fawning over her extreme hotness and tries to compare her to the beauty of the Sea, which makes Vikki scoff in private that such puerile chatter isn’t getting him anywhere… bitch).

Rikki leaves Fazio contemplating his memories of the cool, lonely, blue Mediterranean and brings San Diego Club Owner Josh over to a four-poster bed so they can recline and he can tell her all about what it’s like to be involved in the “family business” of club-owning. Midway through his BS pitch he abruptly stops and says “I don’t wanna be ‘that guy’, but can I have a little peck?” and moves in for quite a bit more than that. Rikki lets him score a few goals at tonsil hockey cuz he’s so cute. Their display of wanton affection does not go unnoticed by Dorky Unemployed Ben, “It’s gettin’ serious over there… I wanna go jack off and watch the show!… How bout that?”…

…he already is…

Rikki moves on to New York Musician Nick. Hey, who let the gay guy in? The second Nick opens his mouth, a Prada handbag falls out as he lisps “I’m in a bannnd… no ssstereotyping!” Turns out he plays guitar and he sings, and Vikki is beside herself with his cuteness. I’m beside myself noticing his flawlessly moisturized skin. He also has a tongue piercing, so of course Rikki has to kiss him to see what that’s like (here’s a hint… it’s like kissing someone who ate a box of staples) but juuuust before he closes in, Nick pulls away saying “You kissed Josh, so…” and the two of them giggle like it’s fifth-period study hall.

I guess the fact that she already kissed Josh turned him off? Nobody better tell him that she also kissed Scott, Rebekah and Jen (I hope she has Tic-Tacs). Anyhow, Nick quickly gets over his distaste at her well-used mouth and they french each other some, and afterwards Rikki tells him that he and Josh are now even. In his private interview, Nick gay-inhales and gushes “Yummy!”

…I’m kinda shocked he didn’t describe it as “Scrumptioussss!”…

Meanwhile, out in the Y-Chromosome Pool, Club Owner Josh is letting his inner Black Male come out as he’s wondering aloud how many of these “muthafuckas” really have a chance. This is not sitting well with AlphaDouche Scott, who figures if Josh won’t shut his mouth of his own accord, then perhaps some food in it will shut it for him…

…baptism by Chips’N'Dip!…

…and dumps an entire platter of what looks like tortilla chips and spinach dip on Josh’s head. “Whooooooo, yeah! Now it’s a party, baby! Now it’s a party!” yells King Douche. Huh? He missed his mouth entirely! This incident mightily pisses off Josh, who is fussily removing his Hot Topic T-shirt and dip-encrusted chains. This mightily pissed me off, too, cuz those looked like Tostitos Restaurant Style chips, not the cheap-ass Mission brand! I would have been on my hands and knees cramming as many into my mouth as I could before the five-second rule kicked in! What kind of asshole destroys good tortilla chips like that?…

…this kind…

Gawd, I guess they musta had a sale at Chains’R'Us. Anyhow, Scott is merrily Douchebagging away as he says “What? You don’t like to eat? You don’t want some food? You weren’t hungry?” Josh is struggling to control his anger and tells Scott “Go grab me some fucking towels, because that’s not cool!” and they kinda start playing pushy-pushy on one another. The reality is, Scott’s quite a bit larger than Josh, and you can tell Josh knows that, too. “I thought it was funny.” says Scott. My guess is that he still finds Helen Keller and fag jokes funny, too. And although Scott may be bulkier, it appears that Josh works out a lot more, because he’s got far better muscle tone and definition compared to Scott’s DoughBoyish physique…

…judge for yourself (I can’t quite tell who is feeling up Josh’s chest)…

Of course, DWB (Doughy White Boys) are a huge weakness of mine, and I’m afraid I’m having no trouble finding some growth in my feelings about Scott (and Lord, I hope he keeps his shirt off for most of the show). Josh doesn’t think a “real woman” will go for Scott’s brand of buttholishness, so he’s going to let Scott be a dick and Josh will be “the bigger man”. Mmmkay.

Meanwhile, Rikki has paired off with Pennsylvania Surfer/Boat Captain Trevor (they have surfing in Pennsylvania?!?) who says he likes to think he’s “kind of attractive”. It must be working for Rikki, because within 30 seconds she’s kissing him, too! Ooooh, Gay Nick would be pisssssssed!

Rikki goes up to “download” some more with Vikki to prepare her for her appearance, and proceeds to lie about how when Scott first shoved his tongue down her throat, she wasn’t at all into it and leaned waaaaaay back. She must have somehow forgotten the camera crew caught it on tape…

…Exhibit A: How Rikki Imagines She Reacted To Scott’s Tongue-Probe…



…Exhibit B: How Rikki Really Reacted…

I’m not sure why she’s bothering, but Vikki takes L.A. Tattoo Artist David aside to chat, where she quickly picks up on the fact of his Tattoo Artistry. David has quite a bit more than 13 tattoos. He also has “LOST MY MIND” tattooed on his knuckles. I’m sure that’s a great thing for prospective dates to see. Vix is not impressed.

Next up is Right Wing Conservative Wall Street Erection Boinger James, who is proud of the fact that he just loves George W. Bush. He goes on to say that it’s real haahd for him t’find a girl that can keep up with him and be okay with the way that he paahties. I’m guessing a wicked good time for a stah like James (besides boinging his erections) is a night of watching Bill O’Reilly. Masshole alert! And here’s the truly sick thing: I think he’s kinda cute, too. Vix thinks Boston accents are “wicked sexy”.

Rooster Headed NYC Party Promoter Freddy is chatting with Vikki now, calling himself “The Party King”. He has stars shaved into the sides of his head…

…the true Regal Markâ„¢ of a Party King…

Vikki is asking him if he’s been in love before. He says he was a couple of years ago, and Vikki wants to know what happened, did he cheat on his girlfriend. Freddy gets all shifty-eyed, hemming and hawing and is way too slow to answer so he might as well have said yes. Nice meeting you, Freddy, thanks for playing!

Hey, shirtless CIT (Chub In Training) AlphaDouche is up next for face-time with the Vixster! Attempting to build on his Stupid Streak he asks for a kiss on the cheek, and tries to make it another lickfest when Vikki obliges, but she’s too quick for him and backs up fast. Denied! For some reason Rikki (watching upstairs) takes this as a sign that he’s “being so sweet” to Vikki. He just tried the oldest trick in the book for spreading Mono, Rix! What exactly do you find “sweet” about that?

Now it’s time for the guys to have their “fashion show”. This time Vikki tells them they’re going to be dressing up as “superheroes”, and while they’re off changing she goes back up to change places with Rikki again. They both are super-sad that they’re going to have to cut four super-sweet guys who will never get to find out their super-secret of being super-slutty twins. I am super-over this stupid little game of theirs.

TIme for the Beefcake Parade! Yesssss! They’re going to each come sliding down a zipline over some safety mats, where most of them land about as gracefully as a glob of mashed potatoes. First up is AlphaDouche Scott decked out in red tights as “Wonder Thunder” who stands with his crotch directly in front of Rikki’s face, “and you will not be disappointed what’s down under!”…

…I’m guessing a pair of tube socks?…

With a hearty “Cowabunga!” out flies East Coast Surfer Trevor in the form of “Wave Man”, whom Rikki asks to give her “CPR” and he obliges by kissing her instead. If he’d really understood what CPR was he would have had free reign to cop a cheap titty-feel. Dumbass.

Proving he’s gayer than ever, Musician Nick comes in for a graceful landing (executing a couple of pas de bourrées and a quick chaîné turn) and introduces himself as the “Lone RumpRanger”. His costume is made up of mini-chaps and a satin speedo. Rikki says she loves a man in a mask…

…funnier still is the way the Batman-esque “POW” graphic appears to get sucked into his asshole…

I think that proves the production team is onto Nick’s little “secret”. Now it’s Boston Software Engineer Paul’s turn as “Captain Dangerous”, and his lame costume is a bicycle helmet and a bunch of yellow CAUTION tape. Worse still is Conservative Wall Street Sales Rep James as “Boner Boy”! Just kidding, his superhero name is actually worse than that. It’s “Right Wing”. Here the editors pull a very nasty trick and digitally inflate James’ slight soft belly to make him look, well, like he’s my size, which he clearly isn’t…

…digitally inflated…. vs…. the real thing…

Gee, like we needed any more proof that MTV hates fat people? That was just plain mean. Vikki behind closed doors (of course) groans “Why would you not wear a shirt?” Funny how it didn’t bother her with AlphaDouche Scott earlier.

Oh well, Tattoo Artist David is dressed up like Zorro, and says with the power of his sword he’s going to take all her clothes off! Rikki waves her hands in a frantic negative gesture, and “Right Wing” James catcalls “Missed it by thaaat much!” LOL, James!

Here comes Foot Fetishist and Detroit Handyman Coop dressed like the Construction Worker from the Village People. His superhero is “Power Tool” and he thrusts his crotch several times in the direction of Rikki’s face…

…wellll, he’s some kind of tool anyhow…

Circus music starts to play as VIRGINian Unemployed Loser Ben comes flailing down the zipline as “Not So Super Guy”. Hey, at least he has muscles sewn into his costume. Someone who doesn’t need those is Rooster Haired NYC Party Promoter Freddy, who is wearing booty shorts and a cape and goes by the name “Captain Heat” and even I have to admit, he’s got a great body (even if his hair is stupid).

Dumbass NY Personal Trainer Matt is afraid of heights and needs a little coaxing from Rikki before he takes the plunge and sails down as “Captain Six Pack”. Holy Mother of God, but he is one well-built brick shithouse!…

…that’s exactly where my hand would have gone, too!…

Whizzing his way down like an angry grape is Purple Pennsylvania Party Promoter Fazio, whose unfortunate choice of superhero name is “Faz” (and describes himself as “better than fantastic… I’m Faz-tastic!”) Rikki’s verdict? “He looks more like a sidekick.” Not so for our young playa San Diego Club Owner Josh, who flies in as “Doctor Desire” and scores another kiss!

Wow, that was so much more fun (and less demeaning) than the other “fashion show”! Do any of you also find it quite interesting how the guys got to be superheroes and the girls got to be livestock? I’d say girl superheroes would have been just as easy for them to do, but, alas, I’m not involved in the production of this show, only it’s deconstruction…

Rikki directs the fellas to go wait in the Elimination Room while she runs back to discuss with Vikki which guys are getting a bus ticket home. Unemployed Loser Ben really wants a chance to show Rikki he can do more than look bad in his silly superhero costume, and AlphaDouche Scott takes time out from his busy schedule of being a Douche to call Ben a “nerdy-azz dude” and say there’s no way that Rikki could ever fall for a guy like that… she needs the man of the house!

The Ikkis are finding it waaaaay too hard to agree on four whole guys to get rid of, so they decide to only let go three! Hearts of gold, those two! Vikki’s the one who returns to the Elimination Room to give the bad news. Fazio thinks it’s a good thing they’re having an elimination tonight, as he wants to get some of these other guys out of here “Cuz Faztastic is staying!”…

…which means he’s going…

Sure enough, Fazio’s the first to be cut. In an attempt to not look like a pathetic squished grape he says he has, like, five girls waiting for him at home (yes, Grandma, Mama, an Aunt and two Sisters) so he’s out with a “Fageddaboudit!”

Next to get cut is ol’ Rooster Headed Freddie, because the Ikkis don’t believe he’s a “relationship-oriented” kind of guy. Of course not! Why else do you think he came on the show, you morons?!

Tonight’s final cut belongs to (surprise!) L.A. Inker David. The twins just don’t like so many tattoos. Sadly, David interviews that he gets that kind of reaction a lot because people don’t want to “dig deep” into his appearance. “Having tattoos, sometimes I do regret it… I don’t get taken seriously a lot…” Amen, my brutha, looks like you’re learning the hard way…

…maybe invest in some turtlenecks…

And with that, Vikki invites the boys to the next day’s sexy pool party and to meet their competition… this makes Unemployed Loser Ben so excited that he pantomimes jacking off Gay Nick!…

…who doesn’t look like he really minds all that much…

It’s the next day, and the girls arrive first to the pool party. Of course, ReaLesbian Nicky is the only one wearing cargo shorts instead of a bikini. Go-Go Dancer Rosemarie is excited that they’re going head-to-head against the boys, whom she believes can’t compete with all their tits! Kandice agrees, “We’re gonna fuckin’ win!”

And with that Rikki brings out the boys, to a chorus of boos from the lesbians. Bartender Rebekah says they were acting like idiots (true) and Right Winger James says nothing competes with his dick (also true… well, except for his belly)! AlphaDouche Scott thinks the lesbians are gonna be tough competition, but believe that in the end Rikki’s gonna need a man, and that’s gonna be him…

…he spouts all this manly talk while wearing a pair of red lips sunglasses and hefting his double-C-cups…

Now it’s finally time for the Ikkis to reveal their big secret! Rikki makes a speech about how relationships are built on honesty, “But, the hard truth is, I’ve been keeping a secret!” Cut to several concerned looks on the faces of the Ikkitestants. “Triple nipple?” guesses Rosemarie. I’m sure she’s seen a few in her time. Rikki continues “I think it’s time to share it with all of you…”

This line of conversation is seriously concerning AlphaDouche Scott, who is chanting “Please don’t have a dick, please don’t have a dick, please don’t have a dick!” Why is it that that is always the first thing anybody assumes whenever someone says they have “a secret”? Of course, this makes me wonder if his outburst is just the slightest bit Freudian, and what he really means is…

…maybe Scotty likes an extra piece of candy once in a while…

Rikki bravely forges ahead, saying “I was born… with another part!” Foot Fetishist and Detroit Handyman Coop is jumping to the same conclusion as AlphaDouche Scott as he shouts “I think she ’bout to pull somethin’ outta her pants!”…

…well, if that’s the case, then she’s definitely a grow-er, not a show-er!…

This news is greeted with dead silence… except for East Coast Surfer Trevor, who says in a strangled voice “I kissed her last night! My first instinct was that she was born with a penis!” Then Jen goes and knocks me right on my ass when she continues, “And you know, that would be fucked up, but it’s happened to me before!… twice in a lifetime would be too much!”

Smiling, Dikki sets their minds at ease, “I’m not a man, guys!” Cheers of relief (loudest from Trevor and Scott and Josh) and she continues dragging this stupid reveal out for all it’s worth (not much)… “There’s someone that I want you to meet!” and out walks Vikki. There are seventeen instantaneous orgasms on the other side of the pool from them. Here’s Dumbass Matt’s reaction…

…”I tink I just pooped a liddle!”…

The Ikki Twins giggle and say in unison “This season, we’re making it a double!” and they cut to scenes from future episodes. My favorite quote is from Gay Nick, who smartly observes “This house is full of surprises… and douchebags.” It appears there will be races with inflatable sex dolls, boobs, boys dressing up in drag, more boobs, disgusting things to be eaten, bigger boobs, and even an Ikki Twin fight where one gets shoved off her chair by the other one!

So what did you think? Do you believe that these girls are actually bisexual? Or is it a cheap ploy for attention because Tila Tequila did it? Are you glad to see me back again? I sure hope so, because while I’ve been happy for some time off (and some sleep) I’ve been itching to get back in the game, and I think this is going to be an interesting (if trashy) way to sharpen my claws.

See y’all next week!

love, J-Mo