Double Shot At Love: New Definitions Of “Hooking Up”

Woo-hoo! It’s almost Christmas Time, and Santa sure came early for a certain fat gayboy in the Desert this year! I’m guessing that he did that creepy voyeurism thing he does (like how “he knows when you are slee-ping, he knows when you’re a-wake, he knows when you wear fuck-me-pumps and a thong for goodness’ sake!”) and saw me enveloped in the Holiday Spirit (it was in my eggnog) and writing my Christmas Cards while watching MTV this last Tuesday night, and he blessed me with the little gift that was our girl BullNicky getting whopped in the face with a balloon filled with pea soup (a la Exorcist)…

…something tells me Nicky’s had far worse things all over her face…

…ahh yes, there was much drama and hijinks (as well as homophobia and inflatable furniture!) during this jam-packed episode of Double Shot At Love and the back-stabbing and under-the-bus-throwing is already starting to make everyone paranoid… and screamy… and cry-ey… Let’s pour some alcohol on this rotten old fruit of a recap after the jump!…Tonight’s episode begins with a lame extended remix of the Ikki Twinsies’ “dramatic” reveal of their Big Secret, featuring “never before seen footage” (mostly consisting of Chub-In-Training Scott whining “Why does she have to have a secret, she’s so hot, like, why can’t she just be normal?”) and the inevitable tidal wave of blowjobface reactions…

…sorry fellas, she’s gay…

Vanilla Kali thinks the sitch is “a lesbian’s dream come true”. Funny, most lesbians I know dream of being able to get married (oh, and ride their Harleys down the aisle). Not to be outdone, our Chub-In-Training Scott thinks “these Ikki Twins are amazing…. Ikki Ikki, wanna stick-ee!” I’m surprised he didn’t add “with my dick-ee!” and a great big beer-burp to the end of that little tidbit. On the other hand, Unemployed Ben seems terrified at the thought of having to “handle” the Twins, and admits he probably couldn’t…

…strangely, I think I agree with him…

Never mind Ben’s performance issues, it’s time for the pool party! There’s a gorgeous pool to lounge in, pool toys to play with, a surfboard-esque bull-ride… and of course, a bar with akamahol! Rix’N'Vix are feeling so much better now that their Big Secret is out… and relieved that nobody is mad that they were so cruelly tricked. Duh, you bitches just increased everyone’s Wet Dream Factorâ„¢ by about 2000, like they’re gonna be pissed about it…

Drag Queen Kandi is just amazed by the hot genetic wonder being paraded in front of her, exclaiming “Dude, that’s awesome, because y’all really do look identical!” Gee, does wearing the exact same bikini and having the exact same hairstyling and makeup help that at all? Vikki is quick to point out that Rikki is the older one (by mere seconds) and that you can tell because “she’s got more wrinkles and shit!”…

…pretty soon you’ll be able to tell which one is Vikki by the large and angry red hand print on the side of her face…

DQ Kandi disagrees, she can tell them apart because Rikki has more freckles… Kandi says that being a makeup artist she has to learn that kind of stuff and is proud of her powers of observation (of course, said freckles are all over Rikki’s chest, so perhaps that might explain why Kandi spotted them so easily). I had no idea makeup artists even noticed freckles, mostly because, you know, they spend so much time covering them up…

…damn good thing you do, Ru!…

Actually all of the girls seem to be taking smug satisfaction in their innate shared ability to Tell Twins Apart, and Stripperista RoseMarie asserts that “The guys will definitely not know, ‘cuz they’re fuckin’ retarded!” Normally I would argue that point (not that the guys aren’t retarded, because they are, but because the girls are just as stupid and airheaded, and most of them, save Kandi, prolly couldn’t really tell Rikki and Vikki apart, either) but then we cut to Unemployed Ben playing on the Mechanical Surfboard and being a total dinkwad…

…*sigh*… the defense rests, your honor…

Big Ball Paul (The Amazing And Magical Software Engineer) also proves the Male Cluelessness Theoryâ„¢ when he incorrectly guesses that last night he was talking with Vikki (pretending to be Rikki) when, in fact, he was actually talking to Rikki (pretending to be bisexual)! Vikki interviews that the guys need to “step up their game” in telling the two apart. Um, wasn’t that the point of the whole “Ooooh, we’re being super-tricksy and pretending to be just one hot girl!” thing? Jeez, wear a fucking name tag if it bothers you that much.

Unemployed Ben has grabbed a floatie toy, jumped in the pool and is now drunkenly shouting a slurred toast to the Ikki Twins and spilling his beer all over the place. Sensing a possible Douche Connection to be made, CIT Scott grabs a couple of brewskis and belly-flops down next to him. I’m wondering if he thought it would be fun to drink a beer underwater (he’s gonna be soooo disappointed)…

…”Damn Schlitz tastes like chlorine!”…

Rix’N'Vix are lounging with Big Ball Paul and Gay Nick and giggling at Scott’s antics (Gay Nick’s nickname for Scott is the incredibly original “Douchebag”) and Nick just can’t believe the Ikki’s kept Scott there on purpose. “He’s like the fun, ‘life of the party’ guy… I like that!” insists Rikki. Funny how she didn’t seem to like it when he was tasting her esophagus the night before. Gay Nick fetches a big gay sigh and wishes they thought of him as a ‘life of the party’ guy (instead of “that guy who’s like a sister to us”)…

Gnarly Trevor is getting some QT with the Ikks, who are coquettishly teasing him about whether or not he knows which one of them he kissed the night before. It’s a pretty pointless question, because Trev doesn’t have enough blood left in the non-groin parts of his body to know what planet he’s on, much less which of these bimbettas he was macking on the night before, but Trev actually guesses correctly (Rikki… big deal, he had a 50% chance of getting it right!) which is Vikki’s cue to take her turn with him…

…hundred bucks says it’s taking all his willpower to keep from using his left hand to shove Rikki’s head into his crotch…

Yay for boners! Trevor’s gonna have to put that thing away, though, because it’s time for tonight’s “challenge”! Oooh, competition! The Ikksters ask the assembled semi-sober crowd if they’d “like to spend some time in bed together” and this is greeted with a chorus of “Woo”s and “Yeaaaah”s and I’m cracking up because they catch a great shot of ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt next to Chub-In-Training Scott…

…and you just know that in Scott’s mind he looks just like Matt!…

Of course, they don’t mean that an all-out-orgy is about to ensue. Instead, they babble something about clean sheets being really important to them. C.I.T. Scott, of course, hates cleaning. Hates. Cleaning. “I’m not a cleaner. At all. I have a cleaning lady, alright? I don’t clean anything… I hate cleaning!” A thousand bucks says his “cleaning lady” answers to the name “Mom” and that Scotty most likely views cleaning as “woman’s work”. His aversion to cleanliness and soft, spring-scented clothing is making me believe his undies probably have skidmarks deep enough to carve your initials in. Sorry, I know that’s just a tad bit completely disgusting, but he just looks like a total ass-digger to me…

Anyhow, the girls are telling the Ikkitestants that they want to see which sex is the “dirtiest” so they’re going to play a game, boys against girls. Toe-Breath Coop is ready to rumble on behalf of his penis-bearing teammates, “Time t’git serious… Coop not about to lose to no lesbians!” The challenge is that each sex is going to have a twin-bed on rollers that they’ll have to protect. The object of the game is to keep their bed as clean as possible while getting the opposing team’s bed as dirty as possible by chucking paint-filled balloons over a curtain at each other. Sounds challenging. And lame.

Speaking of lame, Right Wing Masshole James is quick to point out “Ya gotta get the girl’s bed as wet as you can, which I’ve never in my life had a problem doing!” Hardy-har. I know what he means by that, but…

…his choice of words doesn’t bring sex to mind as much as it brings rubber sheets and adult diapers…

…and besides, the point isn’t to get the bed wet, it’s to get it dirty, stupid. And leave your bladder-problems out of it. Each team has to choose someone to protect the bed while the others wheel them around on it trying to avoid the paint-balloon bombs, and the team with the cleanest bed in the end will win extra time with Rix’N'Vix! Yay for Ikki-time!

However, since the guys have an extra team member, someone is going to have to sit this one out. The boys waste no time in fingering Unemployed Ben to be their lone cheerleader, and he is left on the sidelines saying “It feels like high-school all over again…” Awww, poor Ben. He doesn’t realize most of these people are still at high-school maturity level. An unexpected bonus of this decision is that Ben gets to sit with the Twinz, so technically he kinda wins the challenge without having to play the lame game everyone else has to. Niiiice! Geek Victory!

So who do the boys pick to guard their bed? Easy! Their most massive fella (although not in the way he thinks, obviously) Chub-In-Training Scott!…

…don’t you love how he holds his arms out the way truly buff guys do when their laterals are so massive they (pretend they) can’t put their arms down?…

My guess is that Scott’s laterals have a nice layer of butter and extra mayo on them (much like my own) but he’s shadowboxing and taking his responsibility as Protector Of The Bedâ„¢ very seriously.

Hmmmm, I’ll give you one guess who the girls picked to guard their bed! Nope, not Kandi’s boobs (although that would have been a smart choice) but Our Lady Of Extreme Androgyny, BullNicky! She’s quite proud to take charge and order the other girls to ferry her chunky ass around. And the five-minute game begins!…

Cue the heavy chugging electric guitars as the two teams start lobbing paint-bombs over the middle curtain that’s blocking their view of where the beds actually are (the producers have helpfully added in whistling falling-bomb sounds in case you didn’t get it that they’re supposed to be, you know, bombs). If any of these kids had been smart, they might have figured out it was better to keep quiet, stay close to the curtain and let the other team chuck the balloons safely over their bed. However, with this mouthy bunch that’s just not a possibility. Masshole James says his strategy was to “listen to theah ‘lisbian-like shrieks’” and aim based on that. Ha! Shows how little he knows about gay people… homo boys are the ones who shriek, while the lesbians tend to roar and growl! Still, it’s good enough that James appears to be the one who beans BullNicky on the noggin…

…Soilent Green?…

The girls’ bed looks like it came from the Incontinence Wing of Smelly Acres Retirement Home, the boys appear to have done a pretty good job at nailing it, and things look grim for our Lesbianas… but Barfly Rebekah has started to pick up the unexploded balloons and smartly punctures them a little before tossing them over the curtain, creating a much wider spray of paint to pelt down on the boys and their bed!

With a minute-thirty left, the boys appear to be out of ammo, and suddenly (and quite inexplicably) Chub-In-Training Scott grabs hold of one of the bed-pillows and hurls it over the curtain into a big pukey puddle of paint! The girls immediately call for a disqualification! By now Scott has grabbed the sheet and tossed it over as well (“Ohhh, that wasn’t smart!” observes one of the Twins). The game is stopped. C.I.T. Scott bellows “I think we won!” and is hi-fiving and dapping his fellow dudes.

“Love has no rules,” declares Vikki, “but this game did… Guys, you broke ‘em, so you’re disqualified!” The girls are, of course, ecstatic (now they’re shrieking) because they win extra time with the Ikkis while the boys have to stay down in the paint pond they’ve just made.

The girls all head off to the hot-tub, where Barfly ‘Bekah makes a toast and a wish that Chubbsy Scotty be kept around as long as possible because his sheer moronic stupidity will ensure that the girls win every competition! Sadly, they might be right, and back over in BoysTown, Unemployed Ben is taking his life in his hands by questioning how Scotty could have been so dumb as to misunderstand such simple rules, “That’s like starting off the competition and chucking the bed into the woods, and being like ‘Ah, fuck it, we’ll just stand here!’” The other guys are standing around looking pissed off, and Scott doesn’t look much better…

…bit of a mouth-breather, ain’t he?…

Feeling like a huge slimy paint-covered dickbag, Scott explodes in Ben’s face, “You’re an asshole and I’ll throw you over the fucking fence!” Nice try, Scott, but you can’t blame the guy that you all insisted not play for your being a dipshit, K?

Back over in the Soon-To-Be-STD-Soup-Tureen, the ladies are all smiles and happiness over their (default) win, and the Ikki’s declare Barfly ‘Bekah to be the “MVP”! Huh? Based on what? Because she’s hot? This kind of pisses off the other girls, because Vikki and Rikki both reward her with a great big slobbery smooch. Barfly is pleased with all the “action” she’s getting out of the twins, while one of the other girls (Elise) snidely interviews that ‘Bekah is “throwing herself” at the twins (like that’s a bad thing)!

Suddenly the conversation turns to Drag Queen Kandi and her enormous breasts…

…”Don’t mess with Texas breasteses, y’all!”…

Wow, she says they weigh six pounds each! How do you even find that out? Is there a boob scale at the gyno’s office? Barfly is kinda patronizing Kandi, saying “You’re, like, very deep… you just seem very bold!” Kandi says that comes from being a musician, and launches into an impromptu accapella song…

You know how when someone starts to sing, and they’re not very good, and instead of being in the safety of your own living room watching them on American Idol (and making fun of them) you’re face to face with the person and you have to try your best to keep from either bursting into cruel cackles of laughter or punching them in the larynx?… Guess which one Dude Jen is thinking about?…

…”…must… not… punch… out… Drag… Queen…”…

Thankfully, Rikki puts everyone out of their misery by blurting out “No singing!” and shutting her down. Kandi looks like someone did just punch her in the voice box.

Now that everyone is praying for temporary deafness, it’s time to bring the guys back in to the mix, which makes Masshole James super-excited, “I hadda fuckin’ halfa woody workin’!” Someone should explain to him that half a woody is just a “wo”, and is pretty much useless. Much like James. Anyways, before they’re all allowed to “move in” to the house, the Ikkis make them all drop their keys in a box, because now they have to earn them…

…and you can start by closing your mouth, Chubbsy…

The Twinsies invite them to come inside, get settled, and they’ll meet them in their room later on for a slumber party. How fifth grade! Except people didn’t get drunk and have sex with each other during any of the fifth grade sleepovers I went to… and I’m not sure why, but Unemployed Ben seems to be making some kind of obscene gesture, because every time he’s on camera now, the producers have blocked out his hands with a pair of blue shot glass graphics that are jiggling up and down, making him look like he’s got a pair of big blue boobies…

…I think it’d be more accurate to move them down over his balls…

The Ikkitestants are all amazed by their bedroom, which has one giant bed that they are all supposed to sleep on (hope nobody has critters, cuz that place will be like Disney World for microscopic pets), as well as a stripper pole, and, of course, a bar. Drag Queen Kandi immediately climbs the pole and hangs upside-down from it, because she actually has one in her room at home, and she finds it to be great strength training for the body. Most people would probably choose free weights or a BowFlex, but hey, diff’rent strokes and all that…

Tonight’s Homoignorant Portion Of “Double Shot At Love” Is Brought To You By Right Wing Masshole James.

“I’ve never lived with a bunch of lesbians before. I’m not here to sit back and relax, I’m here to win a game, so, let’s make things interesting!”, says Masshole James. He’s decides the best way to do this is to engage several of the girls in an intelligent and thoughtful debate on their sexuality. “Whatevuh a dildo does fuh you, a guy could do thirdy times bedduh!” (I would agree that he has thirty times the dildo factor of anyone else in the house.) “Whatevuh y’fingers do, a guy could do thirdy times bedduh! End of story!” Naturally, the girls think he’s being a giant tool.

Masshole not understand. “I keep gettin’ in fights with some of these lesbians, an I can do no mowah than, uh, laugh at the fact that she’s stupid…”

…says the Boston Box’O'Rox…

BullNicky ain’t afraid to school the Masshole on the error of his thinking, “That’s the problem right there! You think you can do it better, but you can’t!” You tell him, BullNicky! Stand up for your dykes! Then she sails off into Sapphic FantasyWorld when she continues, “That’s why half the guys who get married lose their girls or their wives or whatever to other lesbians!” Huh? Is there a lesbian sex epidemic amongst frustrated wives and girlfriends going on in our nation right now? I think BullNicky’s talking some serious wishful thinking out of her aggressive vagina right now, and she’s not really getting a clear message across to Masshole James about what really drives sexuality…

Even if she was, it wouldn’t matter, because the Masshole is in full drunken rant, “If you use a dildo t’massurbate, then you would like a guy fuckin’ you!”…

…not this guy… but some other guy maybe…

Okay, time out. I am a complete and utter stranger to the intimacy of feminine sexual behavior (other than what I’ve witnessed on video) but even I know that vaginal penetration is not necessarily or automatically a source of sexual pleasure for women. BullNicky gets this part right when she shouts back, “You don’t need anything inside to make you have an orgasm!” Go on and testify, girlfriend! *snap* *snap* *snap*

Oh, but Masshole ain’t hearing that, and decides to drop some Edumacation on their lezbo-asses… “Hey! Hey! Hey! Two pluz two is four… it’s science… guys are bedduh!” He forgot to add a slurred “Q.E.D.!” on the end of that, but he still believes somehow that his point has been made. The girls’ reaction is priceless…

…you girls need to bone up on your drunkenese (Massholio Dialect)…

Jesus, what a dickface he is! I take back what I said in the last recap when they digitally inflated your belly, James, and I hope the next reality show you appear on they make you look like a beachball with a head…

Before things can escalate any further, Chub-In-Training Scott comes barging in wearing a pair of stars’n'bars trunks and a low-cut wrestling singlet (!!??!!) and yells “I LOVE LESBIANS!!!!” Sometimes it takes a douche to rescue another douche. I believe he may have saved Masshole James’ (and his threatened masculinity) from a serious beat-down at the hands of the ladies. One of the top ten rules in GayDom is: Don’t Fuck With The Lesbians. I’m not kidding, either.

The Ikkis are back, and they’re wearing lingerie (camisoles and lacy panties, to be exact) and invite everyone to join them at “Club Coyote Ikki”, which is the bar located upstairs. It is decorated with a bunch of bras hanging from the ceiling…

…this shit would never fly on “Top Design”…

There’s also a mechanical bull to ride, as well as gallons of fermented sugars, and there is no time wasted in getting wasted and doing body shots on the bar. Everyone seems to be having a great time (even Unemployed Ben!) and getting along. This will last for exactly twelve seconds. In the midst of the merriment, Barfly ‘Bekah leans in and gives Club Kid Josh a peck on the cheek. Gay Nick spots this and immediately labels her behavior as being “all over Josh”. He’s highly pissed about it, and doesn’t want anyone wasting Rikki and Vikki’s time, so he decides to take the Twinz outside and tattle…

…manipulative behavior like this is one of the Five Warning Signs Of Homosexuality…

So far Gay Nick has demonstrated up to 37 out of the Five. Once he has the Ikkis comfortably seated, he accuses Barfly ‘Bekah and Black Eye Xoe of “trying to hook up with other guys!” Rikki is aghast! She thought ‘Bekah was a “full-on lesbian”! Vikki immediately wants details and names, and Gay Nick points his dainty finger in the direction of Club Kid Josh. The Ikkis want to get to the bottom of this manufactured drama, so Vix goes inside to grab Barfly and Black Eye to confront them.

Meanwhile, Rikki’s getting more and more upset at the thought that maybe some of the Ikkitestants are there “for the wrong reasons” and muses “How can I trust any of these people?” I hate to point this out, Rix, but you didn’t exactly invite a busload of Dominican Nuns to take their Shot At Love with you (though it would have been fabulously kinky if you had!)

…Sister Aloysius has her freaky side, too…

Anyhow, Gay Nick is looking an awful lot like he’s having second thoughts about having started this particular shitstorm (too late now!) when Vix brings ‘Bekah and Xoe out to chat. Starting with Black Eye Xoe, Rikki wants to know flat-out if she’s trying to hook-up with Josh, which brings a prompt (and somewhat horrified) denial. Grinning like a stoolie, Gay Nick wants to know why she was touching him “all night long” (and includes Barfly in the touchfest, too).

Both of the girls’ mouths drop open in disbelief at this obvious tactic on his part, because I guess in the Glossary According To Gay Nick, the definition of “hooking up” is “touching”. If this is true, then I’ve been terribly whorish, because today alone I’ve “hooked up” with: my iPod, my car keys, a gas pump, my MasterCard, a keyboard and a mouse (it was a three-way!), a pair of reading glasses, the mailman, and a Double Whopper With Cheese! No wonder I’m exhausted!

Barfly offers up a tattoo on her inner arm as evidence…

…heyyy, isn’t that the symbol for The Artist Formerly Known As Prince?…

“We’re gay!” “We’re lesbians!” chime Barfly and Black Eye in semi-unison. Vikki turns on Gay Nick and points out that “Touching somebody and trying to hook up with somebody is, like, totally different.” Duh. Gay Nick is now frantically backpedalling, “Okay, this is being misinterpreted…” Yeah, by you Queenella! Vix goes to get Club Kid Josh, whom she asks “Do you feel like they’ve been trying to hook up with you?” Josh says no, he thinks the girls are just being friendly.

Barfly is now in tears, she is really visibly upset that Gay Nick is trying to get her sent home (in previous seasons, Tila Tequila sent people home for so much as making eye-contact with one another… her overwhelming ego took such things as a sign of “disrespect”) and insists that she’s gayyyyy! If she were a little smarter she could have parlayed this situation to her advantage and offered to “prove her gayness” to the Ikkis by giving each of them a smoldering-hot twenty-minute soul-kiss. Instead, she’s puffy-eyed, makeup-melted and dripping blobs of snot, her hotness factor plummeting like the economy…

…true dat!…

In a hilarious turn of events (and proof that the Ikkis are so egocentric that they cannot bear to be anything less than the complete center of attention) Rikki starts bawling, too! Huh? What in the blue fuck is she crying for? She’s not the one being wrongly accused of sluttery and lascivious “touching”! However, this cheap piece of faux-emotion does the trick, and everyone is gathering around her going “Awwww!” and trying to comfort her. It’s so hard being so damned desirable that people will resort to lying in order to gain reality TV stardom (and a chance for a spin-off!) She just can’t cope, and needs to get away from everyone (except the camera crew) and talk to Vikki…

Rix is theatrically wiping at her eyes… she can’t believe that this is really happening, everybody seemed so cool with each other, and now she doesn’t know if she can trust any of them, and Vix comforts her by telling her “That’s why you listen to your heart… we’re gonna get through this!”…

…Yeah, cheer up, Rikki! It’s not like almost 2 million Americans have lost their jobs in 2008, right?…

Half a million in November alone. Yup, there are 500,000 more people stuck at home watching this lame show during the day (while they still have homes… and cable TV) and all this fake sadness over nothing is like peeing on every one of them. Put a sock in it, Rikki!

Whoa, sorry for letting reality intrude on IkkiWorld my dear Gasmii… I forgot that this show is all about Rikki and Vikki’s search for true love, and nobody there really cares about anything going on outside of “Club Coyote Ikki”, so weep away, Rix!

Thanks to Gay Nick’s desire to live out the movie “Cruel Intentions” (though I suspect he far prefers the costuming in “Dangerous Liaisons”) the night has been pretty much ruined for everyone, and party time is over. They’re getting ready for bed (Gay Nick wears a red velvet sleep mask to bed… that’s 38 out of the Five Warning Signs Of Homosexuality!) and Barfly refuses to let him make a lame apology to her, strongly suggesting that he find another room to sleep in. Gay Nick wisely complies….

…I wonder why he’s doing those lip-tightening exercises before bed?…

The reality of how stupid this little stunt was is slowly becoming apparent to him, “I said one thing, it got blown up and twisted and now the Ikki Twins are mad at me!” Yeah, too bad you did all the blowing and twisting, dumbfuck. Chub-In-Training Scott takes a minute out to let Gay Nick know that he just got pwned by a girl, and that he walked out of the room like a little bitch. Scotty picks up on clues real quick-like, don’t he?!?

It’s time for everyone to go to sleep (Club Kid Josh mentions something about being excited over “all that testosterone in one bed” and now I’m cutting my eyes at him sideways, too) and he winds up laying down next to Stripperista RoseMarie… who interviews that she just plain “passed out”… but not before wrapping herself around Josh and doing this really disgusting and weird thing where she appears to stick her finger in his mouth, get a load of saliva, and then lick it off…

…”My, Josh, your mouth is really wet for some reason!”…

…”Mmmm, it tastes like spit and vodka!”…

Blech! I mean, I know that when you’re kissing someone you get all up in their saliva, but that’s totally different that just drinking a the stuff by itself. Anyhow, RoseMarie gives Josh a peck on the cheek… but then before too much longer they are kissing…

…”And no one will eeeeever know!”…

What a pair of dumbshits! It’s not like MTV reality shows haven’t had night-vision cameras trained on the sleeping quarters in their fabulous mansions for, like, the last eight seasons!!!! Better still is the fact that they are inches away from 17 other people, some of whom think they heard the two of them kissing (‘Roid Rager Matt and Gnarly Trevor both mention this and file it away for future use, except Matt forgets about it within three seconds, so really it’s only Trev who’s gonna have this little incident as ammo).

Ahh, but the next morning (or afternoon, I’m guessing no one bounded out of bed at 6am and started jogging) while all the Ikkitestants are sitting around with puffy eyes and pillow hair, several OTHER people mention having heard “strange noises” in the night, and ‘Roid Rager Matt bluntly says he heard people making out, and thinks they should go home. Josh gets a great big “Oh SHIT” look on his face and flees the room. Other people start asking Matt who was making out, but he says he’s not going to name names. I’d say that’s only because he forgot everybody else’s names in the first place…

…”Dere was dis girl! An’ she was doing dis thing with dis guy! Or maybe anudder girl! Or maybe dat was me! I dunno…”…

C.I.T. Scott is disturbed by all the smooching going on (that didn’t involve him and his penis) and when Stripperista RoseMarie shows up (with a plate of Breakfast Chee-Toes) he bluntly asks her if she was kissing with someone in the bed last night. Rosey is all denials, saying she wishes she had made out last night (natch, the producers immediately cut to the grainy night-vision footage of her wish being granted because she did make out last night!) and suggests that “Maybe there was some gum-chewing…”

Matt says he knows it wasn’t gum being chewed, and Chubbsy says he believes whoever was kissing should be eliminated. Like it’s up to him. Black Eyed Xoe agrees heartily, which causes Stripperista to suddenly blurt out in her hardened Staten Island Voiceâ„¢ “I awlso don’t think that somebody who’s had so many fucking gang-bangs that they keean’t remembuh should stay awn the show, either!” and she’s glaring at Black Eye! “That’s pretty fuckin’ skanky!” she finishes. Oooooh, what’s this all about?

Rosey explains that apparently Xoe stupidly confided to her she’s been involved in so many three-ways that she’s unable to recall the names and Social Security numbers of everyone involved. Way to try and draw attention off of yourself by going on the offensive, Ro-Ro, but let’s be clear that a three-way is a far cry from a gang-bang.

Black Eye’s not gonna just roll over and take it in the ass (not unless it’s a three-way, anyhow) and cautions Stripperista to mind her own business. Ro-Ro tells Xo-Xo to stay out of her business (conveniently forgetting that she did her business last night in front of pretty much everyone and the MTV Viewing Audience) and without warning she jumps up on the coffee table brandishing her paper plate in Xoe’s direction and screaming “I personally don’t think that a fucking skank-box should be in the house who had so many three-ways that she can’t even fucking count! You’re a fucking skank box!”…

…Yes, Xoe, that’s the slutty stripper calling you a “skank-box” and threatening to cut you with her Chinet!…

Black Eye smartly tells us that if Stripperista wasn’t the one who was kissing somebody in the bed last night, “then I wasn’t in your business.” Oh snap! I think Xo-Xo has picked up on why Rosey’s going off like she is… fear.

On with the day! The Ikkitestants have received a “message in a bottle” from the Twinz! (ha ha, I get it, shots come in a bottle, and many of these kids are happily climbing into the bottle, ho ho ho) Everybody goes “Wooooo!” over getting messages from the Ikkis! It’s like getting a Kiss From Jesus, I guess.

Masshole James reads the message, “After a crazy first day, let’s see who can bounce back the quickest!” Everybody starts jumping up and down to show that they can, but a few people start blurking Breakfast Chee-Tos all over the place so they stop.

Upon running outside, they find Rikki & Vikki at their “Bounce Back Brunch” and surrounded by an inflatophiliac’s dream (blow-up furniture, an inflatable pool, hippity-hops, and a great big Jump’N'Bounce so they can slosh around their stomachs full of bar food and booze!). Thank God everything can be sprayed down. Oh yeah, there’s also an “oxygen bar” and food (and akamaholic bevurijezz). Rikki says it’s time to see who can “bounce back” from a hard night of partying, which is kind of hypocritical of her, because in the blazing direct (afternoon) sunlight, neither of the Ikks looks particulary fresh, either…

…and I’m just beginning to notice that these two both have a great big honkin’ schnozz!…

Vikki asks if they’re ready to party again, we get more “Wooooo!”s and people start bouncing on a trampoline, pogoing on pogo sticks, jumping in the Jump’N'Bounce, and sucking down much-needed oxygen. Way to subtly gain footage of jiggling breasts, MTV! The Twinsies have decided they’re not taking any more chances on people not being able to tell them apart so Vikki’s going to wear her hair up from now on.

Suddenly Gay Nick asks for a few moments alone with them and Black Eye Xoe to try and fix the stupid situation he caused the night before (not sure why Barfly ‘Bekah isn’t in on this meeting). They crawl into the Jump’N'Bounce and Rikki flat-out tells Gay Nick she’s not sure they should keep him around any more because everything he says upsets her. He insists he wasn’t trying to make her cry, he just wanted them to know what he saw (nothing) and make sure they knew what he thought was going on (nothing). Vikki takes this time to nail him with the fact that his little pile of bullshit and flair for drama ruined the night for everyone, and they kick him out of the Ikki Bounce House.

Next, Rix’N'Vix decide (voluntarily!) to spend some time with Masshole James on a snot-green inflatable couch…

…Vikki better hope his Speed Stick is working well!…

Tonight’s Homophobic Portion Of “Double Shot At Love” Is Brought To You (Again) By Right Wing Masshole James.

They’re asking him if he got drunk the night before, and he admits he did (duh, how else did he have the courage to try and pick a fight with lesbians?) The Ikks act surprised because he’s the “conservative guy” and Masshole says there’s nothing wrong with having conservative political views and getting alcohol poisoning at the same time. This is true, I’m sure Jesse Helms used to need a stiff shot or two after a long day of being a Homophobic Busybody Asshole to everybody.

After exchanging a glance, the Twins decide to use this as a segue to ask Masshole James what he thinks about gay marriage. “You really wanna delve into this?” he asks. “You asked for it, you’re talking politics!” replies Rikki. Masshole takes a deep breath and says (of course) that he’s against it, and brings up the fact that marriage is defined as of now as a man and a woman. He also mentions that polygamy has been outlawed (someone should tell that to those crazy Mormon fundamentalists who insist on dressing their multiple wives in those horrible prairie fashions) and then trots out that tired old stand-by used often in “defense” of marriage: “What if I wanted to marry my dawg?”…

…the dog would make a better spouse…

I don’t think a dog would accept James’ proposal anyhow. Besides, he should start off slow by asking one out on a few dates, first. Shit like this is so annoying to me, because I hear it all the time, and it’s just plain ignorant and stupid. When you get right down to it, whether or not the guy who lives across the street from me is married to a woman, a man, his dog, or an inflatable couch, it doesn’t affect my life in the slightest (other than to make me wonder what’s up with all the vinyl squeaking going on over there at night).

“Do you have something against gay people?” asks Rikki. Affecting a superior air, Masshole says “Politically speaking, I don’t think it’s the correct decision.” Ahhhh, here’s another worn-out chestnut: the old Being-Gay-Is-A-Choice thing. Yes, when I was growing up I thought to myself how much better my life would be if I chose to make myself an isolated social pariah in the vicious world of High School Socialization. That way I could spend lots of time daily trying to avoid getting bludgeoned or stabbed while running for my life, and eventually, me and Flipit and several million others could eventually wind up as Legal Second-Class Citizens in 2008 (thanks, Prop 8!). Makes a lot of sense, right?

Masshole sure thinks so, as he dickishly interviews “I think being homosexual is wrong… scientifically we can prove it’s wrong… religiously we can prove it’s wrong… socially it’s wrong… I mean, who’s gonna ahhgue with that?”

…me and every other queen (and dyke) from here to Harlem, buddy…

I guess Masshole thinks bisexuals are okay, though, or else why would he be on this show? I don’t think he believes the Ikkis are bisexual though… we’ve already heard about his Scientific formula on that:

(♂>♀)/♥) = Penises Are Better

After spewing his nasty ideology all over them, the Twins get up and leave Masshole behind. Smart move, dipshit.

Back over at the inflatable wading pool, Dude Jen is getting pissed that Barfly ‘Bekah is giving her a dirty look. “Dude, why?” she asks. “You know why I’m giving you a dirty look!” says Barfly mysteriously. “Don’t tell me to grow up, though, cuz you’re not my mom! It’s ‘A Shot At Love’, not ‘A Shot At Motherhood‘!” spits Jen. Huh? Where is this coming from? (I’m cutting my eyes sideways at you, editors!)

Dude’s not done attacking Barfly, “You’re a mom, you have a kid, you think she wants to be a mom before she finds love?” Oooooh, I guess ‘Bekah has a four-and-a-half-year-old son, and Dude Jen thinks this is wrong. “She should be a mom to her kid, not drinking cocktails!” she snidely remarks to Stripperista…

…oh, okay, I guess that plastic cup in her hand must be filled with spring water…

Barfly thinks The Dude is attacking her because she’s not getting enough attention for herself. Drag Queen Kandi thinks it’s really nasty that Dude Jen is talking hatefully about someone else’s child and calls Jen “an ugly bitch”. I have to say, I kinda agree with them, leave the kids out of it and stop making drama for no reason other than to get other people sent home. These kind of tactics almost always backfire.

Anyhow, Barfly ‘Bekah is scared that someone else is going to run and tattle about her kid to the Twinsies, and fearing that they will be offended she decides to go tell them herself. When she gets them into the Jump’N'Bounce/Conference Room she starts crying, which makes Rix’N'Vix get really concerned! No one else is allowed to have histrionics but them! Stop stealing their gauzy spotlight, Barfly!

She confesses that she misses her son. Rikki says she doesn’t mind if she has a kid, she’s ready to settle down (ha!), and relief spreads across Barfly’s face like a spilled shot of tequila. Vikki does say that she’s glad ‘Bekah told them before someone else did, so this was actually a smart move on Barfly’s part (plus she got some free alone time with the Ikkis to bond!)

…ahhhhh, Rug Rat Relief!…

After all this deep dark drama and political gay-bashing, the Twinz decide it’s time to lighten things up by visiting with Toe-Breath Coop! He can’t stop looking at their feet. I’m wondering if Coop masturbates by sucking his own toes. Ew…

…hammer-toes give Coop a hard-on!…

Vikki tells him they feel like he’s not really trying to get to know them at all. Toe-Breath says he just wanted them to be in a good mood when they came to visit him. Vikki asks him what kind of girls he goes for, and what he’s like with them. Coop says he’s real “silly” once you get to know him. “Well, we wanna get to know you, like, now, so can you start being silly for us?” prompts Vikki. Toe-Breath thinks for a moment… and then…

…he detonates a boombie!…

Yes, you read that correctly! Coop thinks when girls ask him to be “silly” that he should assault them with poo-scented clouds of methane from his anus. And beer farts are the worst! This one isn’t so much of a great big fruity trumpet blast as it is a low mournful basso tuba toot. Someone should have let Toe-Breath in on the fact that Farting In Front Of Your Significant Other is a privilege that is not achieved until several months (or even years) of being together. (Sometimes the BF and I will have wars to see who can drive the other one out of the room first. Everybody loses.) It’s not something you do on a first or second date (although I’d bet money that Chub-In-Training Scott does!)

Gagging and fleeing for breathable air, the Twins hastily say “It was nice talking to you!” and scamper away. Coop looks like he knows he screwed the pooch (without even marrying it) and says “I don’t usually get nervous around beautiful women but… oh mah Gah… I was at a loss for words!” Luckily your ass wasn’t, Toe-Breath!

Finally it’s time for Elimination! Four people are going to be sent home tonight, and the Ikkis are deliberating (a moment of foreshadowing appears when they mention how much they like Club Kid Josh and that they “really don’t know if he could do any wrong.”) Dude Jen is worried again and thinks there’s a 90% chance she’s going home. Well, maybe if you weren’t such a raging bitch to everyone all the time you wouldn’t have to be so worried, Dude! Of course, we all know by now that this means she’s staying.

Wearing their best silver-sequined mini-dresses, Rix’N'Vix meeting the Ikkitestants in the Elimination Theatre to let them all know they’ll be passing out keys to everyone who still has a Shot At Love. Keys are handed to Barfly ‘Bekah, Gnarly Trevor, BullNicky (how is she even still on this show?… she’s had zero face-time with the Ikks!… ah well, they need a token Real Lesbian to keep things legit, I guess), Boring Elise, Big Ball Paul, Vanilla Kali, ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt, Dude Jen (I called it!), Chub-In-Training Scott, and Club Kid Josh… who looks like he knows he skated by just barely (until the Twinz find out he let the Stripperista taste his saliva).

Vikki says she can’t wait for them to have their first kiss! Club Kid smiles and turns to go back to his seat, but Vikki calls him back and says she wants that kiss NOW!…

…aaaaand he proceeds to suck half her face off…

Poor Vix, you don’t know what that funny taste on his lips is. I’ll fill you in: it’s Stripper-Thongâ„¢. Oh well, there are seven Ikkitestants, and only three keys left! They bring up the remaining girls that consist of Black Eye Xoe, Stripperista RoseMarie… and Drag Queen Kandi! They don’t keep her up there long before sending Black Eye back with a key, which leaves Stripperista and the Drag Queen… and the key goes to Stripperista, which means Drag Queen Kandi is out!

What. The. Fuck??!? This makes absolutely no sense in the context of the show, and I’m guessing this must be where that “editing out of Kandice’s more outrageous moments” came in because she’s been looking really worried during the whole elimination, yet she was hardly even in tonight’s episode… unless they hated her singing that much. Sadly, she is really upset by their decision…

…I think these tears are genuine…

Her last words (through her heartbroken sobs) to the audience are “I have so much to offer, I have a really good heart that’s there, it’s so big. Maybe it’s a little bit hidden?” How truly sad, and now we’ll never know. Goodbye, Kandice, we would have really loved you here at the ‘Gasm.

Now they bring up the four remaining guys, Unemployed Ben, Toe-Breath Coop, Masshole James and Gay Nick. The Masshole is kicked to the curb first, and Vikki chastises him for comparing gay marriage to bestiality. “I prolly could have chosen my words a little bit more wisely (**Understatement!**), but, this is who I am, and if you have a problem with it, um, you know you can go screw!” Thanks Masshole, I will, and I bet half your pissy anger comes from the fact that you’re not.

Next to get the boot in his offensive anus is Toe-Breath Coop, precisely because he farted on their date. Smell ya later, Coop!

It’s down to Unemployed Ben and Gay Nick. Rikki says she feels Ben is just trying to play the part of “the goofy nerdy guy” instead of being really interested in the Ikkis. Vikki tells Gay Nick that although they had an instant connection “there’s still something about you that’s just, like, not adding up!” Ah ha, perhaps Rix’N'Vix are more observant than I give them credit for!

And the key goes to… Gay Nick! At the behest of the producers I’m sure, because a Shit-Starter is always Reality TV Platinumâ„¢. This is the face Nick makes when he hears this…

…a creepy combo of BlowJob and SexFace!…

Affecting a very passable Gomer Pyle accent, Unemployed Ben says “Su-prise, su-prise, su-prise!” as Gay Nick minces his way towards the Twinz to get his key, and says “For the record, I wasn’t playing the part of the goofy idiot… when it comes to women, I really don’t know what the hell I’m doing…” I believe him. Rikki hands him that “You’re going to make some girl very happy.” She nicely left out the “Some real ugly fat girl” part. As he leaves, Ben makes his weird obscene hand-gesture that brings back the jiggling shot glass again…

…what in the hell is he doing?…

This cracks everybody up, and Stripperista helpfully fills us in that this is Ben’s “signature move”… a jacking-off motion! Ahhhhh, I get it now. Wow, I didn’t realize that wasn’t considered appropriate for MTV (they sure do allow it on Bravo!) but I’m betting Ben’s soft, supple hands are his best friends right now. And with that, he’s out!

The Ikkis thank everyone for wanting to stick around to get their Double Shot At Love and they all do another shot together before we fade to black…

The show ends tonight with the Twins appearing and making mention of Kandice’s tragic car accident on October 21st, saying that she touched so many lives (including theirs) and saying they were honored to have known her…

…it is too bad the editors couldn’t have, you know, removed the MTV logo for a few seconds so we could actually read her full name…

Wow, that was some show. What did you think? Can you believe Gay Nick and his Big Bag’O'Tricks? Do you wonder why Kandice got eliminated, too? How long will it be before Club Kid Josh and Stripperella get called out for making out? Please feel free to leave your comments, especially if you’ve taken out the considerable amount of time it takes to read my super-sized recaps.

I hope all of you have a great Christmas, or Hannukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus, or whatever it is you celebrate at this time of year. I’d like to leave you with a short video of my disco Christmas Tree (and it’s hard to see her in the video, but I have a fabulous Barbie Angel In A Blue Star Glitter Dress on top!)…

…she watches over Christmas at our house…

…isn’t it lovely (in a Vegas-y sort of way)?…

I’ll be back next week (if the show doesn’t take a break) but it might be a few days late due to Christmasing with the BF and my family. Peace, Joy and Love to everybody…

love, J-Mo