Double Shot At Love: Extra Pieces Of Candy

Hey everybody! I hope you all had a great Christmas and that Santa Claus brought you that extra special gift you were looking for. I must have pissed him off big time this year, because he delivered 14 people directly to my house for Christmas Dinner, and my nieces and nephew decided to play Let’s See Who Can Scare The Kitties Into Puking First. They also ate all of my goddamn Holiday M&Ms. I had to console myself with beer and Christmas Cookies (the kind that have those hard little silver balls on them that crack your teeth) and eventually I felt sufficiently snowplowed enough to bring myself to watch this week’s episode of Top Chef…

…where they were apparently making Deep Fried Sex Dolls…

…but then I remembered that that’s not my show, and I realized I was actually watching Double Shot At Love, where men are men, and some of the women wish they were, too. Pull up a plate of reheated Christmas Ham & Cheesy ‘Tatoes and let’s pig out together before New Year’s Resolutions reduce us to cottage cheese and celery sticks, K?
The first few minutes of tonight’s show is wasted on recapping the Twins’ big reveal that they are, in fact, twins (yawn) and last week’s super-serious drama involving Club Kid Josh and Stripperista RoseMarie kissing and/or possibly giving each other late-night finger-diddles (snore) as well as Gay Nick being all catty and gossipy and starting rumors about Barfly ‘Bekah and Black-Eye Xoe being supersluts (redundant since they’re on this show). The Ikkis also got rid of their one remaining African-American, leaving mostly Pretty White People for them to pick their soulless soul-mates from…

Chub-In-Training Scott starts off tonight’s real show by insisting that he’s there for “the right reasons” and that he’s not “just here to have fun”. He calls the idea “ridiculous” while wearing a woven-straw Flying Nun’s cornette…

…hmmm, copy Ace from Real World Paris much, Chubbsy?…

He also likes to wear a doo-rag in the style of Tupac Shakur. Trés gangsta! Oh well, I guess when you’ve got as little imagination as Scotty does, stupid hats are your strongest suit, and I’m sure he believes this will help him “find love” with one of the Ikkis that he wants to stick-ee… (only he seems to think he can actually have both… Trés tool!)

Well, now that all the Ikkitestants have cleansed their hair of rum and vomit-chunks and found a reasonably fresh pair of undies, that’s BullNicky’s cue to find a “message in a bottle” from Rix’N'Vix! Everyone acts surprised and rushes into the curiously empty room where the message is, and BullNicky (whom I’m kinda liking, mostly because she can, you know, read) relates the message to the breathlessly anticipating room that it’s time for a competition between the boys and the girls in the “3rd Annual Bi-Athlon”. Whoa! They’re going to make these kids cross-country ski and then shoot rifles?!?? Keep your ass down, Chub-In-Training! You might think wearing a Safety Orangeâ„¢ doo-rag on your head will keep you safe, but that won’t stop some of these other people from trying to pull a Dick Cheney on you…

…plus, it’s not as if he’s a teensy target, either…

I’m curious how this can be a “3rd Annual” event when this show has only been on for a year… nevertheless, they discover two trunks (one pink and one blue, natch) that are filled with the gym uniforms from 1976 that have somehow mysteriously come back into fashion again (Barfly mis-labels the onion-skin-style bottoms as “booty-shorts” but that’s really only if you roll the waistband down ten times like she does) and after everyone is suited up they head outside to find Rikki & Vikki decked out in sexy referee costumes…

…”Yes, they sell these at Trashy Lingerie…”…

After welcoming them to the tradition that is the “Bi-Athlon” (with emphasis on the “Bi”, hyuck hyuck hyuck) the Twinz explain that instead of skiing and shooting (boo) the contest is going to be boyz versus gyrlz, and the winners will receive a “fancy pool-side date tonight”! Chub-In-Training Scott is confident that his fellow penis-bearers’ super-manly-men-ness is gonna win them said date. “We’re stronger, we’re faster, we’re more athletic, we’re men… there’s no way we’re gonna lose to these lesbians!” Yeah, except this crop of frilly frothy fembots isn’t exactly representative of the lesbian world that I am most familiar with, the majority of which could easily bench-press Scotty without breaking a sweat…

…who do you think does security duty at Gay Pride??!?…

That being said, Rikki also tantalizes the crowd with the possibility that there might be “skinny-dipping” going on at the pool party, which makes Dude Jen really excited and she believes that “even God wants to see that!” If God had anything to do with this show, then the twins really would be well-hung trannies (with awesome dick-tucking abilities) and nobody would find out until the very last night when the winners are chosen. Ah, well, we all have our own kinds of prayers, I guess…

Vikki lets us know that the losers of the challenge will still get time with the Ikkis, but instead of a nudity-filled pool orgy, they’ll be hanging out at a fake “trailer park” (a.k.a. “a meth lab”) and I’m sure some of these boys and girls would actually be more at home in such a familiar setting (I’m looking at you Barfly!)

So here’s how the “competition” goes: They have to run through a cage filled with criss-crossing bungee straps and find a key, which unlocks a specific “treasure chest” that contains two blow-up dolls, which they must then clip to their belts (???) followed by a dig through a “flour pit” to find matching bracelets to adorn the love dolls with (!!!) finishing up with a crawl through an inflatable wind-tunnel and a race to the finish line! Sound confusing? You’re not alone…

…someone’s mind wandered the moment they heard the words “blow-up dolls”…

Whichever team gets all their players to the finish line first will win! Since there is an extra girl, someone is going to have to sit this one out… and Barfly ‘Bekah happily volunteers, which surprises the Ikki Twins, they take this as a sign that she’s not really out to “impress” them with her ability to navigate a stupid challenge involving cheap sex toys. Personally, I think Barfly’s afraid of discovering that a pair of plastic love dollies have more personality (and sex-appeal) than the real-life Ikkis.

And they’re off!… It’s Gnarly Trevor going up against Stripperista RoseMarie! Chub-In-Training Scott, who fancies himself as some kind of master strategist, says he sent Trevor first because he’s skinny, athletic and quick. Unlike Scott. Stripperista, on the other hand, says there was no strategy, she was just gonna go “bwualls to the wualls” and be done as fast as she could. Gnarly Trevor finishes first! Yay for inane strategies!

Next up is Club Kid Josh versus BullNicky, and while Josh starts out ahead, he gets flummoxed by the intricate engineering of the “treasure chests” (i.e. the clasps on either side of the lock) and by the time he figures out how to move them from down-to-up, BullNicky has pulled ahead of him and finishes first while he farts around in the flour pit looking for the bracelets. This totally pisses off the boys’ self-appointed Captain Chub-In-Training, who is angry that Josh didn’t “rise to the occasion” and adhere to his intricate strategy of “go really fast”…

…maybe Josh could have gone faster if he’d had a better pair of douche-goggles…

Black-Eye Xoe takes a face-plant in the Bungee Cage! Gay Nick is hot on her heels, but not hot enough to suit Captain Scotty, who says he felt like just picking one of the guys up and dragging them through the entire course! Gay Nick must have picked up on this, because he puts on a burst of speed and catches up to Xoe! The teams are tied!!

Now it’s ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt racing Dude Jen, and Matty’s having a rough time winding through the Bungee Cage and getting his blocky hands on a key… “The bungees snap you in the face, it’s like gettin’ snapped in the face by a thong… a type of thong on a girl who’s a little too big for that size thong!”…

…and if anyone knows the pain of Thong-To-Face Snappage, it’s Matt…

Dude Jen, meanwhile, has pulled way ahead and finishes first. Rikki wonders what’s up with these stupid guys… do they want to really impress the Twins, or are they just a bunch of losers? I won’t answer that, because it’s a Fish In A Barrel question. Vanilla Kali takes off, quick as a flash, and Big Ball Paul is struggling to catch up to her once ‘Roid-Rage finally finishes the course. Ahhh, but the flour pit once again stymies Big Ball, and Vanilla-Girl dashes to the finish first! The excitement is underwhelming…

Here is where the guys (such as Club Kid Josh and ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt) start shouting out helpful suggestions to Paul, like “Shovel it out!” and “Dig faster!” and “Find the bracelets, dude!” In the meantime, the girls’ last teammate, Boring Elise, has gotten her key, her love dolls, and has shown up at the flour pit as well… and she gets her bracelets in record time and finishes before Big Ball Paul, winning the competition once again for the girls! Yay for flour-coated lesbians!

Captain Chub-In-Training Scott never even got to try. I would have loved to at least have seen him take a thong-snap in the balls. The fact that his so-called “skills” went unproven for this challenge do not stop him from bitching about Big Ball Paul, “That kid could not do one thing right! He was diggin’ the powder, he was movin’ it out of the way like a little sissy girl…” Yeah, except those sissy girls just smoked your asses, Chubbsy! The guys look appropriately dejected…

…at least they still have dates for the evening…

…except for Gay Nick, who is keeping those icky vinyl vaginas as far away from his crotch as possible. However, back at the IkkMansion, while Former Captain Chub is in a tizzy over how it came to pass that the “fucking lesbians won“, Gay Nick reclines on the bed and purses his lips in a sultry “come-hither” pout…

…and is it just me, or is he ever-so-subtly offering up his ass in the direction of Scott’s package?…

Poor Scotty. He’s so disgusted at how poorly the guys performed today (cut to Big Ball Paul happily chomping away on a piece of pizza) that he feels like he needs to go take a long hot bubble bath to wash away the “smell of losing” from his love handles (while some of the “fucking lesbians” washing off in the adjacent shower taunt him by smooshing their boobs up against the translucent shower door right where he can see them).

Well, nighttime is the right time to have a date in a “trailer park”, which comes equipped with a bug-zapper, a toilet seat over a hole, and an “outdoor swimming pool” in the back of a pickup truck (really just vinyl sheeting draped over the bed-lining and filled with water). Rikki and Vikki come out dressed like Daisy Duke meets Elly May Clampett at the Playboy Mansion and call out a “Hey losers!” greeting to the guys. Displaying a very UFC-like penchant for urinating whenever invited, ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt and Big Ball Paul immediately rush over to christen the “outhouse”… which is kinda minus the “house” part…

…”Venkman, don’t cross the streams!”…

Um, fellas, I don’t think the production staff actually set this thing up intending for you guys to really use it. Rikki and Vikki are also curious as to what they’re up to and tip-toe over to where the boys are trying to tinkle. Matt gets all pee-shy and says he can’t do it with all the people watching, which causes Club Kid Josh to shout “Aww, come on, pull it out, big guy!” Interesting comment, Josh. You’ve been spending too much time with Gay Nick.

The girls zoom in on ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt, admitting they haven’t spent any time with him, saying all they know about him is that he’s got a hot body. That’s pretty much where it ends, but we’ll just let them find that out on their own. Rikki drapes herself over Matt and says that he’s a lot quieter than the guys she usually dates, but it also a lot hotter than the guys she usually dates, and proceeds open up his shirt and drop her head into his lap…

…now if *I* were in Matt’s position, I’d be noticing how awful her roots look…

…while Matt just grins stupidly…

For realsies, that girl needs some Nexxusâ„¢ Hair Care (or at least Pantene Pro-Vâ„¢) stat! ‘Roid-Rage interviews “I dunno whaddit is lately, but the ladies have been loving me!” Of course, none of this groping really gives Matt the chance to show off his sparkling conversational skills, he doesn’t really have much to say (except “Yeeeeah!” when Rikki goes down on his lap) and eventually they get bored and move on.

They decide to take time to chat with Gay Nick, ostensibly to make sure he’s put all his shit-stirring ways behind him. Rikki is yapping a mile a minute about how she doesn’t want any more drama from him, and Gay Nick keeps trying to talk over her (not smart) and now she’s tearing up all over again because he’s still trying to backpedal and say that he didn’t mean anything by trying to get two other people kicked out of the house.

Rikki finishes by saying that he would have been sent home already, except there’s something about him that she really likes. I think it’s all the skin-care tips they can share. She interviews “What can I say? I’ve had a crush on this guy since the first time we kissed. I just really like him!”…

…well, Rikki may be fooled, but judging by Vikki’s face, I think she knows what time it is…

…and that would be GPT (or Gay People Time). Hmmm, I wonder if Nick is fashionably late everywhere? Anyhow, having had enough from the resident Drama Queen, they decide to spend some alone time with Big Ball Paul, but because he lost the challenge for the boys, they’re going to turn him into Shrinky-Ball Paul and make him jump into the freezing cold truck-bed-pool!

Paul happily complies, and the water doesn’t appear to be too “freezing cold” because he rolls around in it and splashes the Ikkis as well! Score points for Big Ball Paul, I totally would have done the same if those bitches had come at me like that! They ask him what happened with him in the challenge, and he just says truthfully he couldn’t find the stupid bracelets in the flour. Rikki privately thinks that he’s either “not trying too hard… or he’s kind of a loser!” Yes, Paul, you should have tried harder to win that dumbass challenge, because then the Ikki Twins would be, like, super-impressed and they would totally fall in love with you because you can run fast with sex dolls affixed to your waist. Silly twats.

Alas, Big Ball Paul doesn’t really trip the Ikki love-button-trigger, so they go grab Gnarly Trevor for some more three-way action in the trailer. They decide to test his memory skills by asking him if he can tell which is which, and he incorrectly guesses Rikki is Vikki and vice-versa. This makes Chub-In-Training giggle outside as he whispers to the other fellas that Trevor got the names wrong, and hilariously goes back to attempting to listen through the side of the trailer… using a plastic cup…

…I know he’s proud of his invention, but it might have worked better to just use his naked ear and, you know, the open door 2 feet away from him…

However, if it’s possible to look stupider than Scott, Gnarly Trevor is right up there, because Rikki is wearing a letter “R” pendant, and Vikki’s wearing a letter “V” pendant. Plus, Vix points out the fact that she already mentioned that she was going to be wearing her hair up from now on! Silly Vikki! That’s assuming Trevor’s eyes ever travel any higher than your tits!

Chub-In-Training is crowing during interview about how much smarter he is and how easy it is to remember “R” and “V” and makes sure to tell Trevor to pull his head out of his ass. This coming from the guy who fucked up the first challenge because he didn’t understand that the best way to keep bed linens clean is to not dump them in a puddle of paint. Pull your head out of your own chunky ass, dumbfuck!

Ahhh, well, that about does it for the Trailer Park Date. Yee-HAW! Now it’s time for the “fancy sexy pool party date”, which in Ikki-ese means “we lit a bunch of candles”. Now, this would not really impress your garden variety gay guy, because we would whip out a candle and light it to create atmosphere and a sensual mood at the dentist’s office (if fire codes would permit). In my own home I have no less than 29 separate candles, and at a moment’s notice I can make my living room look just like that climactic scene in “Carrie” where Sissy Spacek impales Piper Laurie with cake spatulas and potato peelers, right before the house catches fire and burns to the ground…

…candles set the perfect tone, no matter what your plans for the evening…

On the other hand, our lesbian friends (particularly Barfly ‘Bekah) seem to be overly enchanted and entranced by all the flickering flames. I think they’re drunk already. The production staff better keep some ice and Bactine handy. Anyhow, after toasting to their “fancy sexy pool party” the Twyns decide to pull our favorite butchie BullNicky aside for some one-on-one time (“Ohhh, I could be the third Ikki!” she coos…) Rikki says that normally the two of them go for more fem types of lesbians (duh) but that there’s something reeeeally interesting about Nicky. Ohhhh, they have no idea whatsoever…

Reclining on a gauze-draped four-poster bed on either side of BullNicky (who is wearing her best Justin Timberlake sweater vest and white scally cap) the Twins want to know what type of girl she is normally attracted to. “You guys!” is BullNicky’s quick and definitive answer. They want to know if she has ever been attracted to a guy. Dumb question, but I find it quite interesting that Nicky very honestly and forthrightly explains that she has always been attracted to women, and that there has never been any “back and forth type of thing”. Ooooh, slammer! I think our butch girl might sense the truth about these two (i.e. being “bisexual” is pretty much a game and an attention-getter for them, but when confronted with an actual lesbian, it gets a little too real for them, and they lunge for the nearest penis handy).

Rikki’s blathering on about how there was a time in her life when she thought it would be easier if she were a boy (cue Beyoncé here) and BullNicky chimes in that she feels that way all the time. Still feels that way, in fact, to the point where she muses that perhaps she might have been “born different”… as in, the Terrible T (for Transgendered)??!? “You wouldn’t want a sex-change, right?”, asks Rikki nervously. BullNicky is seriously considering how to answer, but Vikki takes a more tactless route, blurting, “If you could right now, would you, like, get a penis?” I love how she makes it sound as simple as running down to the 7-Eleven!

BullNicky’s answer? Well, she grins real big and admits, “That would be nice…” Here are the Ikkis reactions…

…I guess the answer to “Are you ready for a chick with a dick?” would be a resounding “NO!” from both…

Sensing that she is surrounded by Ikkis struggling with their gorges, BullNicky asks “How do you feel about that?” Rikki recovers quickly, “If you were a guy, it’d be the same thing, but I just love you as a girl!” Nicky laughs and tries to play it off, “It just brings a little more spice to it, I guess?” and is rewarded with an awkward peck on the cheek by Rix. Awww, no open-mouthed tonguing for you, BullNicky! Thanks for playing, but I think you just signed your own bus ticket back to New York City…

…presenting the first Ikkitestant to receive the Kiss Of Judasâ„¢…

Next up for Bedtime Stories is Boring Elise, whom we really know nothing about. The Ikkis don’t, either, so they snuggle up to her and you can immediately tell that their body language with her is very different than it was with BullNicky…

…there’s no scary penis-envy talk going on here!…

Yay for snugglies! Boring better be careful, though, with the girls reclining like that they are likely to drop off to sleep. The Twins want to know if she’s doing okay and having fun, because she’s always in the background. Elise admits that she is kind of on the back burner a lot, but truthfully says she has a hard time asserting herself and shamelessly whoring for their attention, she doesn’t want to “lose points because of that…” Good point. No sale. Have you never seen this show, Elise?!? Rix’N'Vix want you to jump up and down in front of them, pole-dance and perform fire-queefing out of your vagina because that’s what makes them feel gorgeous and desirable, and in order for them to “fall in love” with you they will need this kind of reassurance and attention constantly…

Speaking of shameless whores, here comes Barfly ‘Bekah unsteadily lurching her way up to the bed and loudly demanding to interrupt and get some alone-time with the Ikkis (she insists she’s doing it “politely”, completely ignoring that in this situation there really is no polite way to interrupt someone else’s Ikki-time, so she might as well have said “skankily” or “bitchily”). ‘Bekah interviews that she’s not afraid to interrupt if she’s feeling insecure, which I take as another way of saying “I don’t mind being a huge cooze to everyone else if it means I snag an Ikki Twin.” Thanks for negating the semi-positive feelings I was harboring for you, Barfly, hope your kid pukes Spaghetti-Os all over your best pair of fuck-me pumps.

…beware of bar-sluts appearing barefoot and bearing MILF-breasts!…

Our Queen/King of Fairness (BullNicky) spots Barfly attempting to break up Boring Elise’s nap with the Ikkis and with a gasp and a “She fucking interrupted them!” quickly jogs over and strongly suggests ‘Bekah back the fuck up. Privately, Nicky says that everyone knows by now that Barfly is a huh-yooge attention-whore (Boring Elise agrees!) and that it’s a shame because she thought the girl was pretty cool at first, but now it’s going too far.

BullNicky points out that Barfly has had her time with the Ikkis already, which ‘Bekah disputes, conveniently forgetting about her MVP honors (french kisses!) from the previous challenge, plus her part in the Gay Nick Drama Sceneâ„¢, not to mention her I-Have-A-Kid-Confession. She’s pretty much done everything short of chaining herself to the Ikkis to get attention from them, be it good or bad. She’s challenging BullNicky (not a wise move) saying “All right, so what do you want me to do? Wait for like, an hour to go by? It’s not gonna happen…” and she heads right back over to the Boring Elise Bedfest where she succeeds in stealing the Twins, both of whom are disappointed that Elise didn’t “step it up” and tell Barfly to go fuck herself.

Meanwhile, Vanilla Kali thinks all the drama and fighting are lame, and she wants to have a good time, so she decides to kick the party into high-gear by stripping and jumping naked in the pool!…

…awww, they didn’t even need two shot glasses to cover her boy-boobed chest!…

She’s convinced that by doing this she’s gonna “make this party happen now!” Black-Eye Xoe cracks me up as she turns away gasping “I can’t look!”, then whips her head back around grinning, ogling and saying “Oh yes I can!” Kali thinks that this will show the Ikksters that she’s lots of fun and a good time… “Whooo! This is f-for the t-t-twins!” she chatters through slightly blue lips.

Somehow it worked! Vikki Vixen says “There’s nothing hotter than watching a cold girl with hard nipples getting out of a pool soaking wet!” and proceeds to towel Kali off and tongue-kiss her before bringing her over to the bed for a little ménage-à-trois time with Rikki. Never one to have an original idea of her own, guess who decided now would be a good time to get naked and loud as well?…

…I hope her kid appreciates what Mommy had to do for “love”…

Stripperista RoseMarie follows (out-of-her)suit and while Vanilla and Barfly barely required shot glass graphics to cover their A-cups, Stripperista needs a couple of beer-kegs to block the view of her massive melons. Kali is pissed that these two CopyPusses have followed her lead, especially since Barfly is now whining about how cold it is and climbing up on the bed to warm up by performing the Dance Of The Seven Thongs, which earns her more tonguing from Vikki, much to the dismay of almost everyone else.

Especially Dude Jen, who thinks ‘Bekah doesn’t have a nice body and should stop shaking her ass and stealing all the alone-time with the Twins… except that it works, because she’s scored both Rikki and Vikki all to herself again! Vikki admits she has a huge crush on ‘Bekah, and is seriously hoping for some kind of connection beyond flossing her teeth with Barfly’s chlorine-scented T-back. Sad horns for Vanilla Kali, your little slutshow just wasn’t on the level of a pro like Barfly!

However, Barfly’s about to bone it big time, as she’s nuzzling Rikki and saying how much she feels like they have a connection, while she feels like she totally wants to be “besties” with Vikki “and like, paint each other’s toenails, and like, I’ll be in love with your sister?”… *record-scratch!* Vikki looks like she just swallowed a load of Hef’s super-sour jizz…

…be careful, Barfly, if you’ve got a pet bunny it’s likely to end up bubbling in a pot on the stove…

Even a dimwit like Barfly ‘Bekah can sorta almost sense that what she’s saying is causing hurt feelings, and Rikki wisely suggests that she make herself scarce so that Barfly and Vikki can talk this thing over… Barfly doesn’t want Rikki to leave and gets all cling-o-rama, but Rikki insists. Now ‘Bekah realizes she should turn on her tears as Vikki is incredulous over the fact that Barfly was buzzing all over her all night, but now says she just wants to be friends.

Barfly doesn’t see anything wrong with this, “What’s better than a best friend? You and your sister are best friends!” Oh yes, I’m totally dying to be BFFs with someone who dumps me in favor of my identical twin sister. Best friend this, beyotch! They end the conversation with an awkward almost-air-kiss (Vix has a face that says “I’m kissing a turd!”) and Vikki refuses to let Barfly tongue her any more… “Remember, we’re friends!” Oooh, it’s finally getting through Barfly’s thick skull that perhaps this wasn’t the best game-play to make!

Oh well, it’s the next day and the Ikkis decide to wake up the remaining potential love-mates by crawling into bed with them… and looky here! It seems that I was right on the squeaky-money about Chub-In-Training Scott getting excited about having an inflatable female available, because it appears he spent the night snuggled up in her sticky vinyl embrace!…

…well, at least she never says “no” to him…

Rikki plunks herself down next to Gay Nick, and it’s dead obvious to me that he didn’t “just wake up” because he goes in for a full-on open-mouthed kiss, which in reality would have sent her screaming from the room recoiling from his morning-breath. Afterwards, Gay Nick says he knows which one of them he’s interested in (natch!) and wants to know if Rikki really wants him to try to get to know Vikki? She says she does because someone she’s going to really be with needs to understand how close the two of them are, and needs to make an attempt to show her he’s interested. I’d say he’s got his work cut out for him, because Vikki’s gaydar keeps whooping and braying whenever he walks by… or talks… or breathes…

Club Kid Josh seems to have had a less stressful morning encounter, as he puts it, “I dunno if I was still dreaming, but, when I woke up this morning, I swear there was twins in my face!” Rimshot. Josh and his scraggly chin-pubes get snuggled up to Vikki as a curiously interested Stripperista RoseMarie stealthily looks on…

…I’m thinking Josh is about to find a set of Lee Press-On Nails sticking out of his back…

Vikki may be on to Gay Nick’s Schtick, but Club Kid Josh and his Playa Ways have her completely bamboozeld (pun intended). As Stripperista kills a chicken and starts mumbling a Santería spell (that’s why she wanted Josh’s saliva last week!) Gnarly Trevor says how “inconsiderate” it is that Club Kid is getting all kissy-smoochy with the Twins when Josh and Stripperista “hooked up” on the first night in the house, and says it’s only a matter of time before they find out the truth. True, but at least Josh can remember which Twin he’s talking to…

It’s time for another competition! Two in one episode??!? Be still my carpal tunnel! This means another “Message In A Bottle” for the Ikkitestants! Yay for fake excitement! Their enthusiasm quickly drains away as they have to wait another ten minutes for Stripperista to read the message…

…”Uhhhhhh… words?… ummmm… errrrr…”…

Kidding! It only takes her nine minutes. Eventually she’s able to puzzle out something about the Twinz liking things to be “sticky and sweet” (cue Madonna here) and wanting everyone to get changed and meet them outside to see if they’ve got what it takes to be “the ultimate arm candy”. Vanilla Kali hopes this means they will get to lick “sweet stuff” off of the twins! Blech.

However, the outfits they change into are nothing more than tighty-whiteys, and for the first time watching this episode my eyes have fully opened and they’ve got my full attention…

…and it looks like it’s not just my eyes that are at attention…

The BF happened to be walking by when this scene came on, and suddenly he’s a fan of this show. I guess I can’t blame him, cuz it looks like each of the guys received an extra pair of tube socks to go with their teensy undies. Anyhow, the Ikkis let everybody know that this is going to be an individual challenge, every man (or lesbian) for themselves. They have to get sprayed with candy coating, grab an all-day sucker, jump up on pedestals and strike a pose! Ooooh, it’s a Vogue-Off! Gay Nick’s got this one in the (Prada) bag!

Whoever is the last one left standing wins a private date with both of the twins… and with that, they proceed to spray each other the exact same shade as all of the cast members of the Real Housewives Of Orange County…

…Vicki Gunvalson, honey, is that you?!?…

Rix’N'Vix giggle that this challenge is all about strength and stamina… it’s important because they want to know who has the stamina to keep them both “satisfied”… *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* *barf* Everyone grabs their suckers and gets up on their pedestals, where they have to lift at least one leg. Owie! Big Ball Paul says that it’s really important for him to win this challenge, because he lost the Bi-Athlon. We’ll see how true that winds up being.

And the first one to fall is Barfly ‘Bekah, which leaves Vikki super-disappointed in her, “She upset me last night, and now she’s the first one out of the competition!” Jeez, Vix, it’s not like this event plays to Barfly’s strong points… you shoulda had a contest to see who can suck down an all-day lollipop the fastest (‘cept Gay Nick still woulda had it in the bag!)

Next to go down (ha ha) is Boring Elise, complaining of cramps (but not in her legs). Then, surprisingly, ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt loses his balance. Unsurprisingly, so does Chub-In-Training Scott. The Ikks can’t believe how weak these people are, “Don’t they want the alone time with us?” complains Vikki. I don’t see your overexposed ass getting up and trying it! Besides, it has to be somewhat humiliating to be standing around looking like a bunch of used tampons…

…ahhh, if only they had “wings” they could fly!…

Talk about feeling “not-so-fresh”! Gay Nick drops next, followed closely by Club Kid Josh and Stripperista, Cherry Kali and Red-Eye Xoe, Dude Jen and then BullNicky, who has a total tantrum, childishly kicking her pedestal aside. Way to buck the stereotype of the Anger-Issue-Laden Lesbianaâ„¢, Nicks!

Wow, it’s doen to Gnarly Trevor and Big Ball Paul, who have been standing like this for almost 90 minutes! I’d be really impressed by that, except I’ve been in the returns line at Wal-Mart before and easily done twice that. In the end, Paul says he “almost lost consciousness” and had to step down, making Gnarly Trevor the winner of the private date with the Ikkis! He says he can go “way longer than an hour and a half in the sack!” Classy.

Not so chipper is Big Ball Paul, who appears to be in a lot of pain and is requiring support to even stand up…

…maybe he’s just allergic to pointless challenges?…

He says his whole right side is numb, and even once he gets back to the house he’s still feeling like shit. Much to my surprise, ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt shows some actual concern for him and thinks Big Ball really should get himself checked out by medical professionals, he could have heat-exhaustion or possibly be going into shock! Cue the ambulance!

Much to my non-surprise, Club Kid Josh thinks that Big Ball Paul’s being a Big Bawl Baby, believing that he’s faking everything to get sympathy from the Ikki Twins… who are nowhere to be found and thus unable to witness the performance. Josh is a giant douchebag in a chin-strap…

…”He shoulda dropped at the 25-minute mark like I did!”…

Even less surprising is that Chub-In-Training Scott (who also fell at the 25 minute mark, mind you) thinks it’s all bullshit as well, asking “How could you get injured… at Candy Land? Are you kidding me?” Hey, how bout haul your fat ass up somewhere for an hour and a half, Chubbs, then tell me how great you feel. Tool.

Gnarly Trevor is slightly more kind (or less assholish, if you prefer) and says that it “sucks” that Big Ball Paul is hurting as bad as he is, but Trev really can’t be bothered empathizing with him because he’s got the awesome private date with the Ikkis coming up tonight, and he’s not going to bring his “stoked” mood down by caring about something other than himself and his penis.

The private date is *gasp* a big round bed accented by a platter of chocolate-covered strawberries. Both Rikki and Vikki are really turned on by Gnarly Trev, and proceed to “massage” his legs while he feeds them the ‘berries. Oh please, quit farting around and just give him a goddamn handjob already!…

…they’re just six mere inches from Gnarly Love…

Because they’re both looking for “individual” love (with an occasional three-way thrown in for extra spice) Vikki decides to leave for a bit and give Rikki some alone-time with the Gnarls, who is quick to mention he normally doesn’t wear any underwear, but he did tonight. This causes Rikki to force him to remove his pants and they start kissing. Inbetween kisses, Trev laughs “These boxers are getting tighter!” Ha ha.

Vikki comes back to find Trevor pantsless, but that’s okay, because when she gets him alone she makes him remove his shirt and says he was “like a toy that I got to play with!” Then they exchange herpes virus strains. When the three of them are all back together, they are all just amazed at how great the dates went tonight! Rikki is a little concerned by this, “I hope this doesn’t become a problem for us…” Which means it most certainly will.

Well, it’s time to deliberate on which five of the guys and gals are going to go home tonight. Big Ball Paul believes that his incredibly heartwarming performance at the “Arm Candy” challenge will more than make up for his incredibly poor showing in the flour pit. The twins are also discussing this, and Rikki seems skeptical of keeping him around for this reason. Vikki is on Paul’s side, saying it’s obvious he really wants to be there and to get to know them, and then Rikki sails right over into HypocriticaLand when she says “I am not gonna base a relationship on a guy that can stand on a pedestal the longest!”…

…”even though I kept congratulating Trevor on having won the challenge by, you know, standing on the pedestal the longest!”…

Seriously? What a bitch! If the challenges mean nothing and you’re just basing your so-called “love” feelings strictly on physical attraction alone, then why bother with the lame-ass fucking challenges at all? Tool-etta. Vikki agrees with me, “You can’t send him home after that effort!” However, she’s not so sanguine on keeping around Gay Nick and his Big Bag ‘O Drama, and is especially over Barfly ‘Bekah for dissing her in favor of the Rikkster. Oh well, it’s time to give out some keys and break some hearts!

First to get his key is Gnarly Trevor (of course) followed by Black-Eye Xoe, which seems like kind of a surprise since she’s had almost zero face-time with the Twins. Her being awarded a key so early earns her a couple of shots of Haterade from Dude Jen and Barfly ‘Bekah…

…I guess being a skanky needy slut doesn’t always pay off, does it Barfly?…

Next to get a key is Chub-In-Training Scott, which I also don’t get, since all he does is stand around ignoring the Ikkis and pretending like he doesn’t have a gut. He’s followed by Stripperista. Vanilla Kali’s skinny-dipping stunt paid off, cuz she gets a key, too! And Club Kid Josh skates through again also! Now it’s down to Big Ball Paul, ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt and Gay Nick…

Big Ball Paul still believes he’s a shoo-in for staying because of his almost-win of the challenge… and so he is the first one cut, major effort or not. He is shocked and thinks the Twins should “check their judgment”. I would have advised him the same about being on this show in the first place.

Which brings it down to Matt and Nick. After telling ‘Roidey what a great kisser he is, and Gay Nick how “sensitive” he is, the guy going home is…. MATT???!??! OMG, they did not just send home the hot-bod in favor of the drama queen, did they? Once again, Nick’s reaction to being saved is rather fey and dramatic…

…I make this exact same gesture whenever anything shocking happens on 90210…

‘Roid-Rage can’t believe it, either… he actually drops down into a crouch because he’s so shocked and upset, and in a choked voice begins imploring Rikki not to make such a big mistake. Gay Nick is now crying, and Vikki wants to know why… in a soft voice he says he’s upset to see Matt go, and Vix says “You really better be sincere!” I think he is sincere because he’s just lost the best mental masturbation movie makings this damned house had to offer! Matt finally stalks out the door… but with a flurry of bleeped swear-words he appears to be suddenly in the midst of a real-live ‘Roid-Ragin’ Meltdown!

A terrified looking Vikki whispers “He’s not gonna come back in here, is he?” Oh yes he is! This finally shakes some of the lethargy from the room as he’s striding back over to the Ikkis and shaking his head in negation of his elimination, he’s mumbling incoherently and actually gets as far as planting his hand on Rikki’s shoulder before Chubbsy Scott intervenes and pretends to be all bouncer-ish and escorts him out the door… which is laughable, because if Matt really wanted to, he could go through Scott like a steel piston through a tub of butter.

Rikki stupidly says that she was “starting to get scared” and that this behavior was so “unexpected” coming from Matt! “Before tonight I’ve always kind of thought of him as, like, a big teddy bear!” Yes, a teddy bear on hormones. But really, did they honestly think they were going to get the shit kicked out of them while the camera crew and 27 PAs from 495 Productions just stood around and applauded? Something about it smacks of scripted/set-up, because Matt left the room a little too easily at Chub-In-Training’s insistence.

Poor Matt’s last words (before he heads over to make appearances on Paris Hilton’s BFF and Bad Girls Club) are “They make me out to be, like, some meathead… I don’t think they saw, like, who I am inside…”

…I think they saw a restraining order…

…and with that Matt fades into the darkness. Now it’s time to get rid of three girls, and tonight’s choices are BullNicky, Dude Jen, Barfly ‘Bekah, and Boring Elise, who is the first to get dissed tonight for not “stepping it up” enough (i.e. being more bitchy and less of a nice girl). She defiantly interviews “I’m not gonna change who I am just to please you!” How odd to see a shred of self-respect displayed here! The rest of these people will do or be anything for the merest crumbs of Ikki-Love, you hold out for your steak dinner Elise!

Next to get the axe is our Possible Transgender BullNicky, who is handed that tired line about “We connected… just not romantically…” and she takes a moment out to tell the Ikkis that Dude Jen is real nice and that she likes her very much… “But this one (indicating Barfly) … not so much!” Barfly just looks defiant. Or confused. Maybe both.

And out of Dude Jen and Barfly ‘Bekah… they send Dude Jen home! Oooooh, tears all around (although Barfly’s eyes are bone-dry within seconds of her supposed misty-eyed surprise at being chosen to stay) and Dude Jen sneers “This is ridiculous! I’m sorry, like you got rid of Nicky and Elise, like, the two most realest people here, and I just thought you wanted to start fresh and new with someone who was sincere, but whatever…” and she’s outie…

Oh, but the drama’s not over yet! When BullNicky sees that it’s Dude Jen who is also on the Exit List she loses her shit completely! “What is this, dude! Seriously, oh my God! Seriously, Rebekah’s still in there and she gets a shot at love? She’s a fucking HO!” BullNicky’s voice easily carries back into the elimination room where her comment hits it’s intended mark dead-center…

…the truth hurts, don’t it Barfly BlowjobFace?…

Dude Jen is taking aim at the Ikkis themselves, screechng “I hope they fucking fall over the same person and get their stupid hearts broken!” which brings a quite primal scream from BullNicky “YEAAAAH, SHOT AT LOVE!!!” and she punches a hole in the set-piece…

…I toldja… don’t fuck with the lesbians!!…

Whew! Now that that’s over with, the Ikkis apologize to everyone for all “the craziness” (meaning “manufactured drama”) and everyone gets over it by having lots of vodka! Yay for binge-drinking! Next week, more crying, kissing and Chub-In-Training screams at Gay Nick!

What did you think of this episode? Do you think that Barfly is misrepresented as a ho-bag? Will Gay Nick ever come out of the closet? Could Chubbsy Scott be any bigger of a dickface to everyone? Are any of these people (including the Ikkis themselves) worth having? Please share, and thank you for your patience in the wait time on this recap, I promise I’m going to get right to work on tonight’s episode right away. In the meantime, I’d like to leave you with a picture of how I spent my Christmas holidays…

…even at only a year old, people knew not to mess with my sweets…

Happy New Year everybody!

love, J-Mo