Double Shot At Love: Either He Goes, Or I Go!

Greetings from the First Day of 2009 beloved Gasmii! I hope y’all partied and bullshitted all night long, hopefully to the point where you woke up this morning minus your underwear and with unexplained bite marks. You better get some disinfectant on those right away. As for me and the BF, well, we stayed in and watched reruns of “Dynasty” on DVD, shared a sweet kiss at midnight (while Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest battled that little bitch Miley Cyrus for screen time) and then I popped in what at first I took to be an X-rated film…

…Chub-In-Training did Bukkake movies?…

…but then I realized it was just a new episode of Double Shot At Love (so it’s really only soft-core porn) and that Chubbsy Scott apparently has no qualms about appearing on TV covered in what looks like rancid seminal fluid. If he was dislikable before, he becomes even more so tonight, not to mention he decides to give the Ikki Twins a truly stupid ultimatum. Oh, and Gay Nick makes everybody (including himself) cry. Be sure to grab a sex-towel and some liquid-sanitizer, because you’re going to feel pretty dirty and disgusted after you see what this episode has in store after the jump…The Ikk Factor starts out high tonight as we see Stripperista RoseMarie, Chub-In-Training Scott and Black-Eye Xoe sitting on the kitchen counter (I’m not so much bothered by Black-Eye’s presence on food-prep surfaces, but I’m guessing Chubbsy is sporadic at best about washing his chunks-o-funk ass, and let’s just say I don’t even want to guess where Stripperista’s crotch has been). My gag reflex is further tested as Stripperista happily chirps that she’s wearing a pair of ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt’s socks…

…and you just know she didn’t bother to wash them…

Barfly ‘Bekah looks appropriately disgusted (and I’d say you have to go pretty damned far to gross out Barfly) while Gay Nick’s face has an uneasy combination of jealousy, sadness and lust on it. It turns out that ‘Roid-Rage was his best friend in the house, and now he’s left with few (if any) allies and/or jackoff buddies. Chub-In-Training weighs in on the previous night’s “shocking” elimination of Matt as he exaggerates, “Musclehead Matt went nuts and raged back in, ready to kill somebody… and that’s when I said enough is enough!”…

…and Matt proceeded to beat the shit out of Scott and set his stupid hat on fire…

Sorry, that was just my fantasy version of events. For realsies, Scott needs to get over himself, because the truth is that if Matt was really in the mood to do some damage, he would have turned Scott’s flabby Jersey ass into pulled pork in a heartbeat. Mmmmmmm, pulled pork. At any rate, it’s Scott’s turn to pretend to “find” today’s “message in a bottle” from the Ikki Twins.

Chubbsy takes even longer than Stripperista did to slog his ponderous way through the complexities of the two-sentence message (which mentions wanting to see which of the remaining housemates is willing to “walk on water” for Ikki Love). Eventually he figures out that “XOXO” is not pronounced “ecks-ocks-owe” and actually means “kiss-hug-kiss-hug”! I guess that Hooked-On-Phonics shit doesn’t always work right. They’re to get dressed and meet Rikki and Vikki outside! More scripted cheers for no reason!

Hearing that bit about “walking on water” makes Gnarly Trevor feel really confident, he says, because “My last name is ‘Lord’… so, um… walking on water kinda runs in the family!”…

…too bad for him Jesus’ last name was actually “Christ”…

Yay for sacreligiousness! I’m sure Jesus is thrilled with Trev’s comparison. It’s no wonder that STDs rain down on these people like pestilence.

Anyways, they all go charging outside to find the Ikkis sitting next to a great big long vat filled with what looks like baby batter. Ok, no, actually it’s a mixture of corn starch and water, and the Ikkis explain that today’s dumbass challenge will be to run across the surface of the goo, grab as many empty coffee cans as possible from the pile on the other side, and run back across to deposit the cans in a cheap plastic bin from Wal-Mart. This lame-o-rama challenge is proof that the hard economic times have finally reached MTV’s budget!

The rapidly dwindling pool of love-mates are going to be divided into two teams, each team to be captained by “the loudest people in the house” Chub-In-Training and Stripperista! The team that finishes out the ten-minute time limit with the most cans wins “a sexy romp” with the Ikkis (who both shake their tits to indicate how sexy it’s going to be).

This is all very exciting for Chub-In-Training, who says he’s been doing “magic tricks and illusions” his entire life (i.e. using tube-socks to hide the fact that he’s hung like a peanut) so when he found out he was gonna have to walk on water, he knew it wouldn’t be a problem for him (after all, fat floats). Meanwhile, check out the awesome T-shirt that he’s wearing today…

…Hmmmm, I’ll guess they learn it’s way better to be a lesbian??!?…

Being actually chosen as Team Captain makes Chubbsy swell with pride as he brags, “The ladies obviously picked me as team captain being the best guy in the house!” No, dumbfuck, what they actually said was that you were the loudest, remember? Ah well, who am I to take away from Scott’s (very) small victories in life?

Chub-In-Training’s team will consist of Club Kid Josh, Black-Eye Xoe and Barfly ‘Bekah, while Stripperista gets Gnarly Trevor, Gay Nick and Vanilla Kali! With that, the Ikkis shout “Go!” and they’re off. Apparently the trick with this shit is to run as fast as you can across the surface to avoid getting bogged down in it, something which the guys apparently are aware of…

…I’d imagine the floor of your local whorehouse looks a lot like this…

Club Kid and Gnarls do pretty well, but Black-Eye and Stripperista are not as lucky, and wind up sinking deep into the gloppy mess, which prompts Captain Chub to start screaming at Xoe to defy the laws of both gravity and basic physics and magically haul her ass out of the viscous liquid by sheer force of will alone. Strangely, his screaming at her doesn’t achieve this desired result, something that Xoe mentions in her interview. By the time she finally completes her first trip back, Gay Nick from Team Stripperista has finished and Vanilla Kali has almost lapped her.

Barfly does pretty well until 3/4ths of the way back when she suddenly plummets to the bottom. Captain Chub dickishly interviews “I knew she could use that big butt to just drive that ass across the water…” so he helpfully yells “Use that butt and get up!” Yes, Barfly, that’s Ol’ FatAss there telling you to get moving.

Although Team Stripperista had a pretty good lead, Team Chub is creeping up from behind, partially because Scott had the advantage of his much much wider AssPower to propel him forward. “I did it better than anyone could possibly do it!” he trumpets. Awesome job, Chubbsy! You know, the Olympics are only 4 years away…

…now if they could only have a 25-foot Jizz Run event, he’d be sure to win the gold!…

Club Kid notes that he and Chub-In-Training are bringing back several cans with each trip they make, while Gay Nick (whom Stripperista calls “slow as shit”) is only bringing back two. Time runs out, and the winner (with a whopping 73 cans) is… Team Chub! “We win! We fuckin’ WIN!!” screams Scott. Rikki says their prize is a “double bubble” date tonight with a hot tub, champagne and a pair of bi-sexual bimbos!

And for the losing Team Stripperista, they will still get a date with Rix’N'Vix, only instead of a jacuzzi, they’ll be singing karaoke (or as the Twinz like to call it… “Ikki-oke”!) Oh, barf. And with that, Club Kid and Chubbsy both take flying leaps into the Spunk Pool…

…Scott looks happier’n'a pig in DNA…

Back at the house, both teams have decided to have a mass group shower to clean up, and Team Chub declares themselves all MVPs of the challenge! Scott’s reallly looking forward to the hot tub date so he can “speak his mind” to the Twins and they can get to know him better. It’s too bad they aren’t seeing him primp in front of the mirror as he’s gellin’ his hair and doing that silly “finger-smoothing of the eyebrows” thing, followed by…

…“Hotcha!”…

…then they’d know all they need to about him (that he’s a Hefty-sized douchebag). On the other hand, Gay Nick is actually pretty hyped for the Ikki-oke date (reminding us that he’s in a band and that karaoke is his “thing”). I’m expecting some awesome vocals from him, then.

Team Stripperista meets up with Rikki and Vikki in the Depressing Ikki-oke Dive Loungeâ„¢ where they make another one of their fabulous backhanded toasts “To the losers!” Thanks bitches… I’m sure calling people “losers” will make them fall in love with you even more, right? After downing a couple of shots to try and forget that they’re in a tacky little fake bar-setting, Team Stripperista jumps right in and starts a-sangin’!

Vanilla Kali is stabbing my eardrums to shreds with her off-key and boring rendition of Madonna’s “Like A Virgin”, while Gnarly Trevor and Stripperista team up to do the Whitest Version Of “Baby Got Back” Ever! As in, none of them have any rhythm, which is kinda sad for Stripperista RoseMarie considering she’s supposed to be a “go-go dancer”. Then again, you only need to have rhythm if you’re a real dancer. The Ikkis themselves don’t bother to sing (surprise!) but they do writhe around a lot and drape themselves over the Ikkitestants as they further murder pop music.

Hey, now it’s time for Gay Nick to get on up and show his awesome musical talents! He’s singing Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”… and he’s completely tone-deaf! Seriously, he sucks worse than Sanjaya in a men’s room, which does not escape Vanilla Kali’s notice (she calls him “terrible” and wonders if his “band” is, in fact, imaginary). However, Nick does seem to be working that yellow feather boa for all he’s worth…

…now all he needs is a shave, a wig and some heels!…

…and for someone to have mercy on the rest of us and unplug his mike. Drag queens lip-synch anyhow. Way to promote your talent on TV, Nick! Maybe you and Heidi Montag-Pratt can do a crappy duet together…

Committing musical homicide is hard work, so they all take a break and sit down to chat. Gay Nick decides this would be a good time to depress everybody and bring up the elimination of ‘Roid-Ragin’ Matt, asking how the Ikkis feel about Matt’s “episode” the previous night. “Matt was my best friend in the house.” mopes Nick. Vikki dismisses this, telling him that he’s supposed to be there to “fall in love” so he should be happy he’s still around. Gay Nick says it was still so haaard, and brings up the fact that Vikki told him he better be being sincere…

Out of left field Stripperista jumps in and challenges him, “Are you really being sincere, are you telling the girls the truth… that you’re sincere?” Gay Nick continues to stutter and stammer and insist he is, but Vikki, noticing Stripperista’s skeptical face, asks if she believes him, and RoseMarie shakes her head. This would be a good time for someone to start singing the O’Jays’ “Backstabbers”…

…“..♪.they smiiile in your fa-ace.♪..”…

Gay Nick interviews that he’s been nothing but nice to everyone in the house, and still they all turn traitor on him. Stripperista makes the accusation, “You just want them to hear your CD.” and privately interviews that she thinks he just wants to be on the show to promote his “band”. There are several things I find rather annoying about this: A.) Mind your own business, Pole-Cat!… and 2.) Did she not just hear him vocally skull-fucking his way through Pat Benatar?… and third.) People who live in glass whorehouses should not throw slutty stones, especially when they’ve been caught on video slurping the bodily fluids of Club Kid Josh…

Ahh, but those points would only apply to someone who has a conscience, and Stripperista’s circling in for the kill… “She asked you twice, she said ‘Why are you crying?’… and it just makes a little more sense if you’re crying cuz maybe you know the girls are really feeling you, and you know you’re full of shit!” Vix says she feels the same way! Ruh-roh…

Sensing that the focus of attention might be slipping away from her, Rikki starts getting all cry-ey faced again, telling Gay Nick that she feels like she’s fighting soooo haaard for him to stay there, and he’s not showing her anything about who he really is! Nick continues to fish-face and stutter about how he’s not good at expressing himself, and now Rikki is crying again!…

…if I knew how to make .gifs, “OSCAR MOMENT” would be flashing…

Seriously, Rix is sailing over the top with the theatrical wiping of her eyes, saying all kind of inane bullshit about how Gay Nick hasn’t been “real” to her at all, and that she goes to bed every night thinking she’s going crazy… “Like, if you’re not ready to be here, then just goooo!”, she wails (as the Sad Pianoâ„¢ plinks away on your heartstrings in the background), “Like, stop wasting my time! Just be real with meeeee, why is that so haaaaard!?!?”

Looking like a noob caught in the pornlights, Gay Nick stammers, “It’s hard… because every word I say is like… someone else sabotages me!” and he gives a dagger-eye in Stripperista’s direction. Rikki offers to take him and Vikki aside to chat so no one else can jump all over his shit. Once he has them alone, he continues to express himself about as well as a stroke victim, saying he’s sensitive and has to think about his feelings a lot. Vix calls bullshit on that and wants to know if he’s there to make friends or to fall in love. Gay Nick insists it’s to fall in love… he just leaves out the part where it was Matt he fell in love with…

Trying to facilitate Nick opening up to her, Vikki takes his hand… which he immediately pulls out of her grasp (I guess because of all the girl-germs on it). Smaaaaart. Vix interviews, “I’ve never felt more rejected in my life!” and begins to take her shot at an Academy Award by starting to fake-cry… “I can’t even deal with this!” she blubs and walks away (completely dry-eyed, I might add) to go find someone who wants to talk to her…

…sorry, no Oscar Moment here…

Perhaps realizing that he’s made a fatal mistake, Nicky-Poo continues to haltingly apologize to Rikki for being so sensitive. The Rikkster interviews that she can’t explain why she even has any kind of connection with this guy, and starts crying again as she wails “I just can’t figure out what’s wrong with him!” Duh, Rix! He likes dix, too! She goes for broke by asking him directly how he feels about her. Gay Nick can’t answer, and instead, starts to fake-cry himself, and that’s the straw that breaks the Ikki’s back, and Rikki finally gets up disgusted and leaves him there in his puddle of tears. He should really give up the music career and go to work at a suicide prevention hotline.

And with that, Ikki-oke is ovah! Team Stripperista heads back to the house where Chub-In-Training Scott bellows a greeting, “How does it feel to be a part of the losing team singing loser karaoke songs all night?!?!” Nobody answers him, mostly because they’re all depressed about how Gay Nick managed to suck the fun out of the night (but I’d say also because Scott is a dumbass dickface). Team Chub quickly picks up on the vibe that Ikki-oke + Bad Singing x Gay Nick = Crying. Gnarly Trevor confirms this as he says they “crashed and burned after, like, five minutes…” Vanilla Kali qualifies, “Not even five!”

Barfly wants to know what happened, and Vanilla tattles that Gay Nick brought everybody down and made the Twins cry. This news elicits a big eye-roll from Chub-In-Training, and a big blowjobface from Barfly…

…she really should stop doing that…

This has really pissed off Chubbsy Scott, and when Gay Nick comes sashaying into the room he starts in on him with, “You godda lodda explaining to do, Nick!” Whoa! Who died and left you hall-monitor, Chubs? Quite stupidly, Nick decides to go for a lame under-bus-throw by insisting he did not make them cry, Stripperista’s the one who brought everyone to tears.

They bring Stripperista in to sit on Chubs’ lap (ew) and get her side of the story, and she barely gets out, “The truth of the matter is…” before Gay Nick interrupts and says the truth is she’s just a drunk and a (something bleeped out… let’s go with “bitch”, shall we?). She gets up off of Scott’s strangely lumpy and pokey lap disputing that she was drunk “before” (Chubs hilariously adds “Drunk? Everybody’s drunk!”) and when Gay Nick slurs “Whadid I say t’you? Arryou turning inda Jen Number Two?” she throws her (alcoholic) drink on him…

…and stupidly gets half of it on herself…

Jesus, none of them are sober (and probably haven’t been since they moved in) so why all the fuss about who was drunk when? I just answered my own question. Anyhow, Stripperista throws her empty cup at him (her Staten Island accent growing thickah by the second) and says they need to get her out of there before she punches him.

Captain Chub has had enough of Gay Nick being a giant buzzkill and takes him aside to scream at him some more. Gay Nick keeps putting his hand on Scott’s shoulder (possibly because Chubs keeps getting right up in his face, and I bet he’s got bad breath) which just enrages him further and he starts ranting how everybody knows he could “kick the everlovin’ shit” out of Nick. Gay Nick tells him to go ahead and hit him with his best shot (fire a-way-heyyy!) and Scott threatens to bash his head in (“You’re fucking dead!” he says) and then (I believe) calls him a “fairy fucker”…

…two words, Chubbsy… Tic-Tacs…

You called it, waffleboy09… there is no ceiling to Chub-In-Training’s dickfacishness (and that’s a great fucking word!). Now he’s the one saying someone needs to get him out of there before he punches Gay Nick. Club Kid Josh intervenes and offers to “give Scott a couple”… I don’t know what he means by that, but it sounds homoerotic. Meanwhile, Nicky-Poo-Poo is actually crying in his interview, saying that no matter how nice he is to people he always ends up “burnt…. alone…”

Happiness is back, cuz it’s time for the “double-bubble” date, which makes Barfly squeal with delight because there’s a chandelier over the hot-tub and champagne that looks suspiciously like a urine sample…

…Champeegne?…

Rikki promises to give Chub-In-Training a massage later. He promises not to fart at her while she’s doing it. Rikki declares him the MVP of the Useless Challenge, and Scott says he’s really looking forward to it… “especially after what just happened inside which I… really don’t wanna get into!” Oh, you mean where you threatened to bash somebody’s head in and kill them, Scott? No, instead he’s going to talk about how Gay Nick made the girls cry by bringing up all this drama instead of having fun on the Losers’ date… exactly the same way Chubbsy is about to make Rikki cry all over again by bringing up drama on the Winners’ date.

Vikki decides to intervene and takes Chub-In-Training aside so Rikki won’t be upset. Scotty’s going on and on about how much Gay Nick is really pissing him off (because that’s the Eleventh Commandment… Thou Shalt Not Piss Off Scott The Violent Dickwad) and then he pulls a truly dumbassed stunt when he insists to Vikki “Like, seriously, you gotta him the fuck outta this house! If you don’t kick him out, I swear to God, I will leave…”

Much like myself, Vikki cannot truly believe her ears, “OK, waiwaiwait! If we don’t kick him out you’re gonna what?” Scott the Chubbot repeats his ultimatum: “If this kid doesn’t leave, then I will leave! I’m dead serious.” Yeah, Vix is pretty incredulous, too. This is exactly the same thing they were busting Gay Nick’s chops over… being more worried about making friends instead of concentrating on finding true love. Chubbsy isn’t letting up, either, “Which one is it gonna be? He’s an asshole! He’s made you girls cry!” Vikki rolls her eyes and points out, “Aaaaand everybody else is gonna put up with it besides you.”

…don’t roll your eyes at us Vikki, you’re the ones who have kept him there!…

No one likes ultimatums, especially Vikki, who is now thoroughly pissed off at Scott. She goes to crawl into a bed with Club Kid Josh while Rikki braves crawling into Chubbsy’s sweaty armpit in the hot tub. Vikki feels like she could have “a future” with Josh. Until she finds out he’s been letting his fingers do the walking on Stripperista’s labia, that is. Until then, they appear to be having fun kissing and feeling each other up…

This does not go unnoticed by Rikki, who is pretty much ignoring Chub-In-Training and his inane babble… she’s watching Vikki and Club Kid Josh attempting molecular fusion under a comforter, and says that Vikki isn’t allowing her to make any kind of connection with Josh for herself. Clearly this is more important to her than her present date-mate…

…who still hasn’t taken my hint about the Tic-Tacs…

Scott, his moobs gently bobbing in the bubbles, eventually notices that Rix isn’t paying any attention to him, “What the heck is goin’ on? I’m muttering to myself?” Tearing her eyes away from Vix and Josh dry-humping, Rikki remembers “I have to give you a massage…” Well, Chub-In-Training is definitely up for that, and pretty much believes it’s his birthright. “I like a woman that can, you know, take care of her man, and do things for him to make him happy… let the King be with the Queen!”

Too bad the King’s got such a raging case of bacne! Rikki better not massage too hard or she’s likely to end up with a palmful of pus. Ahhh, it looks like she’s prepared for that as she’s grabbed a giant tub of Clearasil and is slathering it all over his back…

…she missed a couple…

And eh-hewww, she’s licking the Clearasil off his back! Chub is totally turned on as he reminisces, “I dunno where she learned to lick like that, but she was all tongue! Licklicklicklick! Ahhhhhhh, lick it!” he screams. That’s a direct quote.

Eventually Vikki realizes that her poor sister is being forced to connect the dots on Scott’s back while she’s enjoying tonsil hockey with Club Kid Josh, so she graciously takes her leave to give Rikki some JoshKoshB’Gosh time. Instead of trading places with her, she goes to spend some time in the hot tub with her “friend”, Barfly ‘Bekah. Seems like Barfly realized that alienating Vikki was a dumb idea (finally) and has decided to be open to being more than just “friends” now (like maybe an upgrade to “fuck buddies”?).

Wow, I totally forgot that Black-Eye Xoe was on this “date”, too! Not wanting to be left out, she climbs aboard the Vikki Herpes Express and smacks away while a clearly aroused Chubbsy looks on…

…I wonder who wants to be the meathead in the lesbian sammich?…

Rikki’s complaining now that while she’s trying to get to know everyone by just talking to them, Vikki’s just making out with everyone! Jealous much? she decides to cockblock (or clitblock, if you will) her sister by suddenly announcing that they have to go to bed now. Vikki looks pissed.

The next morning as the hung-over Ikkitestants rouse themselves at the break of noon, Club Kid Josh and Stripperista are flirting with each other again as Josh is saying he’s sick of running around and partying and is especially “tired of meaningless sex.” Stripperista totally agrees as she’s playing footsie with him on the bed and barely restraining herself from mounting him like a pogo-stick. Gnarly Trevor is still bothered by the memory of witnessing their first night’s “hookup” but it seems he’s keeping mum on the subject for now. Tattling sometimes backfires. Just ask Gay Nick.

Black Eye Xoe is chosen to find today’s “Message In A Bottle”, which says “Do you think you have what it takes to lick the competition?” Everyone is worried this means they’ll have to eat something gross or lick stuff off of each other…

…everyone, that is, except Gnarls and Chubbsy…

Well, we meet the Ikkis dressed in bustiers for today’s challenge called “Licky The Ikky”. Classy. There are four sets of mannequins slowly twirling on pedestals, each mannequin has a replica of the Ikkis’ lingerie recreated in cake icing. They’ll have to form boy-girl teams of two… and using only their mouths and tongues they must lick both mannequins completely clean within an hour!

They’re left to choose their own teams, and Club Kid Josh immediately snags Barfly because, as he so graciously puts it, “I see Rebekah’s big butt, and I’m goin’ ‘She looks like she’s had a lot of icing in her life so I’m gonna take the baker on my team!’” He should have gone after someone with a big mouth… except Stripperista has already aligned herself with fellow loudmouth Chub-In-Training. Black Eye Xoe has joined Gnarly Trevor, leaving Vanilla Kali teamed with Gay Nick, and she’s not at all happy about that, but it’s too late, she’s stuck with him.

When the Ikksters shout “Ready?… Set?… LICK!” they’re off! Seems like Chubbsy has an unfair advantage in this challenge, combining sugar with surrogate breasts, and I’d be willing to bet you his Mr. Peanut is at it’s fullest and angriest inch as he nuzzles the mannequins…

…I think this is the closest he’s gonna come to action during this show…

Barfly’s not enjoying this so much as she says “People were getting all the frosting in their mouth, drinkin’ water, spittin’ it out, I think I hocked a couple loogies… it was pretty nasty!” Yum-mee! Still, it seems like she and Club Kid are working hard and well together. Vanilla Kali and Gay Nick, on the other hand, aren’t, mostly because Gay Nick is yapping and complaining that the icing isn’t coming off easily instead of using his mouth to scrape it off like he’s supposed to.

Truthfully, this would be a gross challenge. Although I’m fat, I’m not a fan of getting the piece of cake with the giant frosting-flower on it, too much of that damned buttercream makes me feel like blurking, so I can only imagine what it’s like for these people to have to try and get a constant faceful of the stuff for an hour…

…like inbred mouth-breather heaven, I guess…

Oh, but Scotty sexually assaulted his mannequin so hard that he’s now cut his lip and is bleeding! He and Stripperista have to drop out of the competition, which is trés disappointing to the Ikkis. Things are also going shitty for Vanilla Kali and Gay Nick (who is probably grossed out by having to pretend to lick these chicks). Scotty says that Nick looked like he was “licking the foot of a man” and proceeds to demonstrate a sexy shrimper’s technique. Well, at least Nick didn’t drop out because of a little labial laceration.

It’s coming down to the end, and it looks like Gnarly Trevor and Black-Eye Xoe are doing the best job, their mannequins look relatively clean (even though Xoe says her lips are hurting and Trev says his tongue’s bleeding) which is making Barfly and Club Kid work even harder, and when time is called, Josh is confident that they’ve won… but I’m not so sure when we’re given a full view of the Gnarly Black-Eye mannequins…

…I bet they skip dessert for the rest of the time they’re here…

It was mightly close, but of course the win went to Black Eye Xoe and Gnarly Trevor! Couldn’t see that one coming! Their prize is a private date with Rix’N'Vix at a “drive-in movie” before Elimination later that night. Since Gay Nick and Vanilla Kali boned it big time, they’re both super-worried they won’t be on MTV anymore (Kali is crying a little, and Nick’s only a sniffle or two away from bawling himself).

Back at the house, Club Kid Josh’s lips are all blistered up, and he decides it’d be smart to swish with Listermint. He’s like one of those kids that you can tell over and over not to lick the frozen flagpole, but he won’t believe that his tongue will stick until he does it for himself…

…dumbass…

Sure enough, his mouthful of minty fresh alcohol burns just a little and I’m guessing he won’t be kissing Stripperista or anybody else when the lights go out. Meanwhile Gnarly Trevor and Black-Eye Xoe are ready for their Drive-In Date!

They arrive at the outdoor “theatre” which has a pair of classic Cadillac convertibles (one for Rikki and one for Vikki, natch!) and tonight’s movie is the classic George Romero film “Night Of The Living Dead”. Vikki takes Gnarly Trevor with her, while Rikki cuddles up with Black-Eye Xoe, whom she says she’s so smitten with that sometimes she doesn’t even bother to pay attention to what Xoe’s saying because she’s so busy staring at her. Sounds like true love to me.

At the same time, Gnarls is telling Vikki all about his troubled relationship with his mother in an effort to open up to her. She’s probably not listening, either. Eventually he figures that out and decides to go for some frenching action. Not to be outdone, Rikki decides to try for that old Drive-In Move known as Reach-Around-Tit-Squeeze…

…except she missed!…

Truthfully, Xoe doesn’t seem to like being groped, but when Rikki goes in for a kiss she seems to respond pretty well. However, she interviews that while she likes Rikki she feels like they’re “goin’ in the friend zone!” Rix pix up on this and decides to bail and go over to Vikki’s car to disturb their groove, sending Vix over to try her luck with Black Eye.

Gnarly Trevor says he can tell the Twinz apart now! It only took him until the fourth episode, but still, small victories are better than none. He says the difference between the two is that Rikki is more serious. That’s for sure, because over his shoulder we can see that Vikki has wasted no time in getting Xoe to swap spit, and it’s not long before Trev is doing the same with Rikki…

…it’s like Musical Whores!…

Eventually Rikki and Gnarls rejoin Vikki and Xoe in their car to actually watch some of the movie… and suddenly Trev says that because Xoe was such a great teammate to him in the challenge that day, he’s going to leave for a bit to give both girls some alone time with Black Eye. Awwww, how sweet! And a smart move! It’s like he’s almost got a clue…

The Twins ask Xoe what she misses most about being home, and she says her family… but when Vikki asks if they’d be able to all go hang out at her house and meet them Xoe gets a pained look on her face and says her dad isn’t really “into the whole… umm… homo-type… area” explaining that she doesn’t want to upset her dad.

Privately Xoe says her dad doesn’t know she’s gay (well, he didn’t anyhow until the premiere episode of this TV show) and because he “raised her to be with a boy” she never brings girls home, which would mean no Ikkis meeting Mr. Black Eye. This concerns Rix’N'Vix a lot, for what reason I don’t know… not everybody’s parents are so cool with their kids being nude bisexual models, y’know?

It’s time to discuss Eliminations in private! Chub-In-Training Scott is wearing one of those stupid-ass tuxedo T-Shirts and says “They love me… there’s no way I’m going home!”. I really hope this means he’s going to be cut, cuz I’m seriously over his shitdick assmunchery. Vikki brings up Scott’s ultimatum regarding Gay Nick, and Rikki’s all “That’s not the way it works, like, we’re picking! You guys aren’t!”…

…maybe he should have worn his casual sport-coat T-shirt, the tux is so formal!…

Rikki believes Scott is just playing them. I agree, and since there has been absolutely zero chemistry between him and either of them (other than his initial tongue-assault the first night) perhaps it’s time to send the dude with the stupid hats home to Jersey to sell more Band-Aids.

They also discuss the disturbing fact of Xoe’s closeted home life. Vikki wants someone whose parents are cool with their kid being sorta gay. If they’d send her home for that, then I hate them both, because that’s completely out of Xoe’s control. I’ve had friends whose parents have pulled guns on them and immediately ordered them out of the house for saying they were gay (true story) so leave Xoe’s home life alone, Ikksters! You obviously have no idea what it’s like dealing with non-supportive parents.

Vanilla Kali is considered kinda boring (duh) and the mere mention of Gay Nick brings Rikki to tears again (zzzz). They don’t say a word about Stripperista, Gnarly, Club Kid or Barfly.

First one to receive a key tonight is Club Kid Josh, who is overjoyed that he still has a “Double Shot At Love”! He’s followed by Gnarly Trevor, Black Eye Xoe, and Barfly ‘Bekah (whom we’ve barely seen in tonight’s episode at all, except for her whole hocking loogies thing).

The last two guys are brought up, Chub-In-Training Scott and Gay Nick. They ask Chubbsy why he’d be better for them than Gay Nick, and he says “Since I’ve been in this house, because of you girls, I’ve definitely matured quite a bit!” Stupid hats. Tux T-shirt. Screaming rages. Threats of violence. Yup, he’s matured all right… into a full-blown asshat… He’s really trying to affect a “sincere” kind of facial expression…

…whereas Gay Nick just looks constipated…

Gay Nick’s turn! He apologizes to Vikki for not making any kind of connection with her, and haltingly takes Rikki’s hand and tells her he wants to fall in love with her, which just makes her cry some more. Vikki can see how much Rikki really likes Nick (I can’t figure out why, unless the words behind it are “producer scripted”) and pulls her aside to whisper that she thinks they should keep him and let Scotty go! Ohhhhh, please, please, pleasepleaseplease pleeeeeeease!

Ah, but Rikks tells Vicks she needs someone who can make her smile, Gay Nick just brings more tears. “I don’t want to make the biggest mistake of my life!” whines Rikki in her interview. Like this show doesn’t fall into that category… Anyhow, they rejoin the group and Rikki tells Gay Nick that he promised her he’d try to connect with Vikki, and he didn’t try hard enough, so he’s the one going home. Damn! On his way out the door, Gay Nick voiceovers “I think that Rikki might actually be the one!” Maybe you should have mentioned that at some point, stupid. And with a flourish, Gay Nick minces away into the fragrant evening…

Now it’s down to the final two girls, Stripperista and Vanilla Kali… and with no discussion at all they give the key to Stripperista! Vanilla is heading back to Michigan and the exciting world of Human Resources! They’ll realize their mistake soon enough as Vikki interviews how Rosey’s always been “up front and honest” with them, and they both feel like they “really know her”. I’m kind of surprised that they don’t smell Josh’s penis when she exhales.

Nevertheless, they address the remaining Ikkitestants and say they believe the love of their lives is in the room. Which better not be true if they want to have a second season… Anyways, everyone’s happy, especially Chub-In-Training, who believes he wouldn’t be surprised if he “won the whole thing!”…

…if by “thing” he means “the love of a woman who doesn’t have a plastic air-valve”…

Funny how he still seems to be under the deluded impression that the object is to get both Ikki Twins. Next week there will be disgusting food, vomiting, and it looks like Club Kid and Stripperista are busted!

What did you think of this episode? Where was Barfly tonight? Could Gay Nick be any worse at expressing himself? How many more times can Gnarly Trevor say “stoked”? I apologize for the Scott-heavy screen grabs tonight… he was just so annoying I felt I couldn’t accurately describe his assholish antics without showing you how annoying he is. Hopefully he gets sent home next week and we never have to see him again (until the reunion special). I hope everybody had a great New Year’s Eve, and that 2009 is a better fuckin’ year for us all!

love, J-Mo