Double Shot At Love: The Truth Will Get You Stabbed

Ohhh, my dear sweet ‘Gasmii, what a week this has been… My day job is treating me like a stiffened sex-kleenex (as in, they really don’t want to even acknowledge that I’m on the floor… but they’re not above trying to use me to clean up some tacky mess that someone else left behind), my house is a mess from Christmas AfterBirth (the BF is too hard at work watching Food Network to help me clean up the placenta of wrapping papers, boxes and credit card receipts dotting the floor), and I still have no idea what to get the big lug for his birthday (how about a Swiffer / Shamwow combo? Too subtle?)… It’s a damned good thing I have the ability to restrain urges like this…

…what I’d like to do to white boys who make silly gangsta poses…

…so I must say that I’m grateful to have the fabulous Double Shot At Love to take my frustrations out on (thanks Flipit!). No matter how irritated and insane I feel at the end of the day, I know that I can come home, turn on MTV and feel grateful that I’m not on this stupid show with these stupid people being forced to do stupid things… and tonight’s show is, quite possibly, the stupidest one yet (I think I’ve actually come down with TMJ from all the jaw-dropping moments in this episode alone) and if you’re at all like me, you’re gonna be pissed at how it turns out! By the way, make sure you finish eating dinner before you make the jump. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…Well, we’re down to “six sexy singles” (barf-o-rama!) competing for the “love” of our Airheaded Duo. It’s a new day in the Tacky Ikki McMansion, and the remaining guys and girls finally struggle towards consciousness to find that a nice breakfast has been laid out for them (looks like bagels and donuts and fruit, mostly) along with the inevitable mimosas and Bloody Marys (why waste any time being sober today when you can booze it up right out of bed?) Gnarly Trevor marvels that this is possibly the first time he’s actually sat down at the table and had breakfast since he’s been there. I would point out that when your first meal of the day comes at 3pm it’s called “lunch” but such distinctions are lost on this group. Barfly ‘Bekah (in her best hangover croak) says “We are the elite group!” and they make a toast to themselves for making it so far in the game. They all look like hell on toast, too…

…forget the Brat Pack in “The Breakfast Club”… here’s the Skank Pack in “The Hangover Club”!…

Club Kid Josh and Stripperista RoseMarie are continuing their ham-fisted Dance Of Flirtationâ„¢ with one another, not bothering to hide it anymore as they feed each other bagels and fruit and give each other “pop-kisses” (on the cheek). I wasn’t aware of the phenomenon of “pop-kissing” (I thought it was a variation on oral sex) but we’re gonna learn alllll about it shortly.

Gnarly Trevor is still not amused seeing Club Kid and Stripperista being so blatant about wanting to fuck each other silly, and he believes it’s only a matter of time before the truth about their first night “hook-up” comes out. Which is in about 10 minutes…

…you can’t see it, but you know she’s totally whanging his fuckerdoodle under his robe…

Today it’s Club Kid Josh who gets to “find” the awesomely exciting “Message In A Bottle”. The producers were smart to send messages from the Ikkis like this, because you know in this house no bottle remains unopened (whereas if they had gone with the initial “Message In A Book” idea, these idiots would still have no clue what their first challenge was supposed to be).

The message says that the Ikkis are not ones to “mess with matters of the heart… but this place is messy!” They immediately cut to several examples of how filthy this bunch of pigs have allowed the Ikki-Pad to get. There was yet another “Behind The Scenes Of The Real World” special on the other night, and the Bunim/Murray producers were talking about how downright nasty those fabulous mansions get with just seven people living there and not picking up after themselves. My hunch is that with twenty-four people having traipsed their way through this house (over however-many-days) there are now several new forms of bacterial life teeming away and mutating in the corners at this very moment.

It turns out that the assignments are for Chub-In-Training Scott, Club Kid Josh and Stripperista to start cleaning in the bathroom and work their way through the house, while Black Eye Xoe, Gnarly Trevor and Barfly are to clean up a run-down outside “cabin” to be used on a “future date”… Chub-In-Training Scott makes his first dickfaced statement of the episode as he whines “Are you kidding me? I never cleaned a thing in my life!” This causes BlowJobFaces all around…

…and you know they’re thinking that attitude probably extends to his dick as well…

…and he’s not gonna let it go, either. “I’m not happy, dude, I don’t fuckin’ clean…” and he punches the stripper-pole for emphasis. Bad stripper pole! I bet it needs to be cleaned, too. Well, Club Kid and Stripperista gamely start making their way through the drifts of debris… and Chubbsy decides to help by doing push-ups. No, really, you read that right… he’s doing push-ups.

Making himself sweatier and smellier isn’t exactly endearing him to the others. Club Kid Josh says “You better be helping!” and Scott counters with “Honestly, like, I want you guys to help me, like, give me, like, instructions… I have to be told what to do, I can’t just do it!”

Well, I guess I can see his point, his dumbassery quotient is so high that you could spill a glass of milk on the counter, hand him a roll of Bounty paper towels, and before you could say “Quicker Picker-Upper” (several thousand times) the milk would have spread and dried in all corners of the kitchen and he’d still be standing there wondering what to do. “I make the messes, I don’t make the cleanup! This is ridiculous!”, he insists. No, what’s ridiculous is a 25-year-old self-described “alpha-male” reality show contestant who still can’t pick up after himself. What a fuckstain…

…and L.A. doesn’t have a big mosquito problem, so…

Let’s check in with Gnarly, Barfly and Black-Eye, okay? They smell better. Barfly thought they’d just be doing a little light dusting and tidying up in the “cabin” (which is really more of a shed) but it turns out there is some major stuff to be rearranged and moved… and Gnarly Trev quickly discovers that there are actual mice in the back of the cabin, which of course sends Barfly and Black-Eye immediately screaming for the door. Come on ladies, you’re giving lesbians a bad name, butch it up a little!…

…Welcome to the Ikki Mouse Club…

…I have no clue why they’re so creeped out at the sight of a mouse surrounded by fecal matter when they’ve been living with Scott for several days. Instead of trying to kill it, Gnarly Trevor humanely and gently chases the mouse out of the shed, which sends Black-Eye and Barfly further shrieking and fleeing across the yard.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Stripperista and Club Kid continue to work their butts off while Chub-In-Training is actually working his fingers to the bone…

…mining for green gold…

Niiiiice. He’s pretty much just walking around in circles and hiding out while Josh and Rosey do all the work. Can we vote to make Scott live in the shed with the mouse-shit and let the Ikki Mouse move in to the house? At least the mouse is cute and cuddly and furry and it won’t try to date rape you (unless you’ve got an ass like Richard Gere, rodents just can’t leave that kind of crack alone).

The outside crew is moving a bunch of hay bales and tables around, and Black Eye Xoe believes it was “way harder” than having to clean the house. She hasn’t had to put up with Chubbsy flicking boogers everywhere, though.

Back inside the house, Stripperista looks exhausted (and hung-over) laying on the couch. Club Kid Josh comes in bearing more alcohol and asks her the following…

…guess who’s angling for a spin-off?…

He’s feeding her all of his best lame lines, “Here, just take it. You don’t have to tell me anything. You don’t have to speak. I can see it in your eyes. I can read the whole story.” I’m rolling my eyes so hard that one of them has become stuck and I’m staring at my own brain turning to mush while listening to this claptrap pile of bullshit flying from Josh’s mouth. Stripperista coyly asks him what it is he’s “seeing” and he says “You and I both know.” Ummm, is it the fact that you’re a bit of a horny cheating dickbag, Josh? Soaking up the pseudo-attention, Stripperista giggles, smiles and says she doesn’t know what to believe anymore.

Gnarly, Barfly and Black-Eye come staggering in at this point looking hot, tired, dirty and highly pissed. “Ohhh, look at you, maxin’ and relaxin’, must be nice!” calls out Xoe crankily. It is not lost on Gnarly Trev that Club Kid and Stripperista were obviously flirting again, and this is upsetting him, “We’re s’posed to be here for the Twins!”

An undetermined amount of time later, Barfly finds another “Message In A Bottle”. She looks disappointed that the message didn’t come in a giant bottle of José Cuervo. Anyhow, this one reads, “In order for us to find love, we must know the truth. Meet us in the elimination room. XOXO Rikki & Vikki” Heyyy, this doesn’t sound like a fun challenge with inflatable sex dolls or edible lingerie…

This marks the first appearance of Rix’N'Vix in tonight’s episode, and they do not look happy in the slightest…

…somebody let it slip that they’re gonna hire Tila Tequila back?…

Vikki interviews that “People have been saying things about each other that we’re not seeing!” Instant flashback to Gay Nick’s first attempt to shit-stir, Chubbsy Scott complaining about Gay Nick, and BullNicky pointing a stubby finger in Barfly’s direction as being a “not so nice” girl. Vix continues, “We’re just afraid that we’re not getting to know who these people really are!” Well, maybe if you didn’t have them sloshing through spooge vats, licking frosting off of mannequins and throwing paint balloons at one another you’d have a better chance of making more than just a superficial physical connection Miss Thing! Duh.

Addressing the Elite Six, Vikki says they’re about to make the super-important decision of whose families they’re going to visit and embarrass, and because the Ikkitestants spend so much more time with each other than they do with the Ikkis themselves, they’re going to ask each of them who they honestly think is best for the Twinz to fall in “love” with.

Huh? What? So they’re going to fall in love based on a group vote? Wow, I just realized that I’ve been handling my personal love-life completely wrong. I should have been asking people I barely knew who was best for me to hand my heart (and chunky body) over to. I also realized that the Ikki Twins are double-morons…

…and speaking of mouth-breathing morons…

Damn, Chubbsy, if anyone needs that ProActivâ„¢ shit, it’s you! I guess he doesn’t clean his face, either. Anyhow, one by one, they’re all going to be called up in front of the group, and the group will discuss if the person in question should be kept… or cut. This revelation brings “Oh shit!” faces from just about everyone… especially Stripperista…

…”I am so screwed.”…

Everyone, that is, except for Scott, who just looks blank and decides now would be a good time to tweak a couple of those sweltering zits he’s growing. The first one up for the Verbal Firing Squad is Gnarly Trevor… and unsurprisingly, nobody has anything bad to say about him, although Club Kid Josh makes my overworked jaw drop again when he says he thinks Trevor is the only person (besides himself) who hasn’t brought any drama to the party. That’s about to change…

Black-Eye Xoe goes next, and again, nobody says anything bad. This isn’t going the way the Ikkis wanted it to at all, and Vikki is pissed as she interviews “They were all more concerned with being a good friend than proving to us that they had our best interests in mind!” Ahhhh, I get it now! Rikki and Vikki would rather fall in love with someone who treats their friends badly and talks shit about them, than someone who was kind and gentle and actually gets along with other people.

Vikki bitchily clarifies for them, “I dunno if you guys are clear on what we’re doing right here, we’re not talking about how much you like this person as a friend! You guys are trying to be nice to everybody, you know, your friendships are gonna last forever. Well, we’re trying to find, like, a love that lasts forever!” Yeah, so start trash-talking each other, people, or the Ikkis won’t know that you love them forever! You might want to build them a shrine and start a religion in their honor as well. Yay for Ikki-ism!

…”Bow down and worship our bisexual breasteses and holy hoo-hahs!”…

Anyhow, next up is Chub-In-Training Scott. Now we finally get a little dirt out of Club Kid, who mentions that Scott didn’t help them with cleaning up the house, and points out that because the Twins weren’t there watching them work, Scott took advantage of it and slacked off since he didn’t need to impress them. For the benefit of Rikki and Vikki, Chubbsy attempts to put on a grave face and nods guiltily, but I’m sure inside his tiny little mind he’s twisting Josh’s head slowly off his neck.

It’s Barfly ‘Bekah’s turn! Wow, is she still on this show? Black-Eye Xoe jumps on the chance to tell the Twinz how Barfly’s attention-whoring gets in the way of other people getting alone time with the Ikkis. This is more like it! Who’s next? Ahhhh, it’s finally time for Club Kid Josh, who is mightily shitting himself like a frightened Ikki Mouse.

This is exactly the opportunity that Gnarly Trevor has been patiently waiting for, because the Ikkis have asked for dirt (Gay Nick should have played his hand like this) so no one can accuse him of trying to make trouble for trouble’s sake. Still, he looks uncomfortable as he mumbles, “Um, I guess I should speak up, ‘cuz there’s something that’s been bothering me…” and goes on to tell about how Club Kid and Stripperista were sleeping right next to him the first night, and that he knows what “hooking up sounds like.” At this point I was expecting Chub-In-Training Scott to grab the outsides of his cheeks and rapidly pull them in and out to simulate the sound of vaginal penetration, but no such luck.

Trev is quick to cover his ass by saying he doesn’t have concrete proof because he didn’t witness anything directly… but then he makes an even smarter move by urging the Twins to look into Josh and RoseMarie’s eyes and ask them the truth about whether they kissed or not. Stripperista is attempting to look puzzled and innocent (and she’s doing a spectacularly bad job of it) while Club Kid’s face says it all…

…”RoseMarie is so screwed!”…

I am actually super-impressed with Gnarls at this moment! Not only did he use his information wisely and at the right time, he turned the focus off of him (and his possible motives) and onto the offending duo. Rikki goes right for the throat and flat-out asks, “Did you, or did you not make out?” Club Kid Josh goes right for the Lying Douchebag Of The Universe Awardâ„¢ and says, “No. We didn’t hook up. We didn’t make out. We were all cuddling and it just seemed like everyone got the wrong impression.”

Turning to Stripperista, Rix reminds her that she said she would always “tell it like it is.” and wants to know what happened. Stripperista starts competing with Josh for the L.D.O.T.U.A.â„¢ (see above) when she says “As soon as we went undah the covahs everybody assumed we were making out… I pop-kissed him, and it was pretty much not even on the lips, it was like half-lips…” The producers helpfully cut to the flashback video material that proves her completely wrong. Yay for 495 Productions!

…looks like full skank-on-skank-lips to me…

Vikki takes over the interrogation, addressing Club Kid, “You guys kissed?” He’s backpedaling now, “There was a kiss. There was no tongue involved, it was a *mwah* kiss. I didn’t take it as anything serious. There wasn’t any… I didn’t think that there was any emotion behind it…” More flashback video proving him wrong.

Vix asks Trevor if *mwah* is what it sounded like in bed. Gnarls says, “Honestly, it made me uncomfortable enough that I got up and slept in the closet.” Now it’s Trevor’s word against Josh’s. “Is that what you’re saying? That I made out with her?” challenges Josh. Trev quietly says he believes they hooked up. Now the video flashback is showing Josh’s curious back-and-forth arm motions over Stripperista’s vag-zone. Ew! I would have slept outside.

Club Kid is looking more and more pissed and scared and mumbling something about putting his word against the others’, which makes Chub-In-Training start shaking his head, “I know for a fact that someone was definintely making out under the covers!” I think Scotty’s just pissed that it wasn’t him. Rikki is amazed that everybody seems to have heard it, but nobody has any idea who it was (except for Gnarls).

This prompts a truly sickening and pathetic speech from Josh… “It’s the nature of my life that people look at me and assume the worst of me… until they get to know me. I’m just used to it, I guess, I’m used to being hated on.”…

…he’s right, because I don’t know him at all, and I’m hating him strictly because of that kissy-lips tattoo on his neck!…

Yes, Josh, it’s certainly tough to be an all-around liar and skeezy cheating asshole… and having people actually call you out on it. Tool. Vix thanks him and tells him to sit down, and invites Stripperista to take her turn on the Ikkness Stand. She’s definitely shitting some alcohol-soaked bricks right now.

“Can you admit that maybe you did something wrong in bed with Josh?” asks Vikki, her voice breaking. Stripperista interviews that when the Twins actually looked her in the eyes she knew she was going to have to come clean, so she lies a little more, “Everybody’s making it out to be something that it’s totally not!” Yay for semantics and truthiness!

Vix wants to know, “What is it, then?” and here’s where Stripperista goes for the oldest and lamest excuse since the dawn of distillery, “Ummm, we were really drunk… it was literally two seconds, I swear to God… and it never happened ever again!” RoseMarie must have some kind of Pinocchio gene that causes her mustache to grow in faster whenever she lies, because her upper lip looks really furry right now…

…looks like we have a Nad’sâ„¢ emergency at the Ikki House!…

Rikki wants to clarify, “So you guys made out?” Still fudging, Stripperista insists “We made out for, like, two seconds.” That’s if your definition of “two seconds” means “several hours”. Now the Ikkis are starting to get teary-eyed, and RoseMarie rushes on, “I woun’t have considered what I did with Josh a ‘make-out session’, but there was tongue involved, and it was like a two second, like, ‘We’re drunk, what the fuck are we doing?’… but it was in the beginning of the–”

The Ikkis have heard enough and cut her off, “Thank you.” Rikki interviews that she’s got a really strong connection with both Josh and RoseMawie, and that it weally hurts her feewings to find out that “they’ve been fooling around on me!” and now she’s crying. Again. If Club Kid or Stripperista had any smarts, they could have turned that around and accused the Ikkis of “fooling around on them” with pretty much everybody in the house, but they’re not, so they don’t. RoseMarie actually apologizes. Vikki steps back in, “So Josh? Is she lying?”…

…”No, *I* am… but I’m not gonna tell you that!”…

Making a snap decision that he’d rather be on reality TV than an honest stand-up kind of guy, Club Kid says he’s the one who admitted that there was any kiss at all. This makes Vikki angry as she points out that their versions of kissing are completely different, he’s saying they had a “pop-kiss” but Stripperista said there was tongue (which is apparently not allowed in “pop-kissing”) and that makes a huge difference to the Twins! “There was no tongue. I swear to you, I swear on my life and my unborn children the tongue did not happen!”

Stripperista’s starting to see the light about Josh as she interviews “He swore on his unborn fucking sperm that it never happened!” Chub-In-Training Scott helpfully adds, “His children are gonna be born with like, three eyes because of him…” Cool it, Chubbsy, it’s never nice to wish birth defects on somebody. Granted, it was a completely idiotic thing to swear on, but Stripperista just swore on God and Jesus, so why hasn’t a bolt of holy lighting struck her into a small pile of smoldering rubble and vulcanized silicone? You know, I don’t like the way this is going. Rosemarie’s minimizing, filtering and omitting things, which amounts to lying, and it sounds like everybody’s cutting her some serious slack for that…

…this must be part of some Secret Code Of Skanksâ„¢… whoever tells a teeny bit of truth first gets a free pass!…

And just when you thought he couldn’t sink any lower, Club Kid heads for Death Valley as he says “If her tongue went in my mouth, then that’s different than my tongue leaving and I’m making out with somebody…” Vikki’s not convinced, “So now she’s pretty much just following you around and… putting her tongue in your mouth?” I guess that’s what his story has morphed into.

Finally, after being almost completely absent for two whole episodes, Barfly speaks up and gets the best line of the night, “Josh, you know what? I love you… I love you so much… but right now you are sounding like a DUMB… ASS!!!!” For reals! Rikki jumps in, saying “So if you did nothing wrong, and your tongue didn’t leave your mouth why didn’t you just tell us earlier?”

Rapidly digging his way down to China, Josh goes for the full-on Stripperista-Trashing as he says “Everywhere I went, she came and laid next to me, she came right around me!” This earns a deadly glare from Stripperista, “I’m following you around now? Are you kidding me? So you’re saying you didn’t make out with me?” Club Kid can’t meet her blazing gaze, but mutters “I didn’t.” Turning to the Twins, RoseMarie finally owns up, “Yes he did.” and then sits down…

…oooh, gurrrl, you shore picked the wrong dickface to fool around with!…

Still struggling to keep her composure, Vix tells them that although they may think what they’ve just been put through is difficult and emotional “it compares nothing to what we do every time we tell someone they’re not good enough to be here!” That’s right, Ikkitestants! Your pain at being caught on camera masturbating, backstabbing and publicly humiliating each other cannot possibly be on the same level as Rikki and Vikki’s weekly trauma when they kick people off of this show!

Vikki continues, “I feel like I’m being bitchy, but at least I’m being honest!” Well, at least she’s being honest that she’s a bitch. With that, she says they’re going to give them all one more chance to see how the Ikkis feel each week at elimination, and they pass out a bunch of… butcher knives?!??!?…

…after what’s just gone down, did they really think it was a good idea to give everybody sharp kitchen implements?…

I bet Barfly is pooing all over her thong since she’s sitting in-between Club Kid and Stripperista! Drawing back a hidden curtain, the Twinsies reveal a cardboard cutout of each of the remaining Elite Six, and instruct them that they’re going to come up one by one, “look their competition in the eye” and then stab the person they want to send home!

Okay, what psycho thought up this little game? A.) It’s stupid and B.) it’s needlessly violent and C.) Chub-In-Training threatened to kill somebody last week for making the Ikki Twins cry, and they’ve been sniffling for the last 15 minutes, who’s to say he won’t eschew the cardboard cutout and go for the real-live flesh-and-blood instead? Seriously, what a dumbass idea…

…almost as dumb as Josh’s “badass homie” glare…

Gnarly Trevor goes first, and, surprise!… he stabs Josh’s cutout. He turns around and tells Club Kid that hearing him talk in circles like that is bullshit. “The truth will set you free, man.” he sagely advises and then sits down. Stripperista’s up next, and, shocker!… she stabs Josh’s cutout, because he lied about the kissing and because he made her out to be some kind of “sick stalker puppy-dowag!” Still, I have to wonder if this isn’t the first time she’s been accused of that, cuz I totally get a Glenn-Close-swooping-crazily-out-of-the-bathtub vibe from her.

It’s Chub-In-Training Scott’s turn, and, astounding!… he stabs Josh’s cutout… in the crotch. Toldja he wasn’t wrapped too tight! He’s trying to sound all apologetic because Club Kid is supposedly his friend, but Josh committed the sin of lying Scott’s “girls” and he hates seeing them upset. “Friends come and go, and I really truly believe that you find your love and it’s forever!” Never mind the fact that he just castrated your cutout, Josh, it’s nothing personal. Club Kid looks like he just might have warm weewee running down his leg.

Black-Eye Xoe comes up, and she completely wins my heart with what she says and does next! Addressing the Psycho-Twins she says, “Who you want to be with is up to you… but I’m not a backstabber. So, if I go home, then I do, but I forfeit.”, and with that she gently puts her knife on the floor and walks out of the room, leaving Rikki and Vikki to look ashamed of themselves…

…and you two bitches oughtta be!…

All right Miss Xoe! *snap* *snap* *snap* With just a few well-chosen words, she’s cut to the heart of the essential wrongness of this activity, as well as reminding us that if these bimbos were serious about finding someone to be “in love” with, they’d cut out the crap and pick for themselves instead of using mob mentality and mind games. I’m sad to see her leaving, but I think that it might have just dawned on her that she probably deserves better than this.

Of course, this pisses off Rikki, who interviews that every time she does an elimination she is burdened with the heavy emotional load of having to say who she thinks is worst for her and apparently she doesn’t think it’s too much to ask Xoe to have to do it once. Of course, she leaves out the fact that they don’t stab the people they’re sending home. I think she’s just angry that Black-Eye showed some backbone and refused to play their stupid little game.

It’s time for Club Kid Josh to impale his choice, and, actually astonishing!… he says, “Um, as much as everyone thinks I’m going straight for Rosey… now’s the time to tell you the truth… Rosey, I care about you more than I care about them. I really do. You know that. If I have a connection with anybody in this house, it’s Rosey, and I’m not gonna stab her! I think Trevor just kinda said it right now… the truth will set me free, you know?” My… god… is he for real?!? This little speech brings a completely unexpected reaction from the peanut gallery…

…seriously, Barfly, you need to stop…

Yeah, my jaw hit the floor, too. You know, this little Declaration of Love might have seemed very sweet and genuine… if not for the fact that Club Kid just got done calling Stripperista a liar and a stalker (and an unwanted-sticker-of-her-tongue-in-his-mouth) and it just looks pathetic and sad… Obviously Josh knows his ass is outta there shortly, and he’s making a lame attempt to walk away with a consolation prize (i.e. Stripperista and her boobs). Ahhh, now that’s true love, Club Kid-style!

Stripperista’s not buying it either as she interviews, “You couldn’t even admit to a kiss, and now you’re in love with me?!?!” Seeing that nobody else believes him either, Club Kid decides to take her down with him and continues, “I wish you’d be honest and tell them the truth about everything else. It wasn’t just one kiss, there’s been more. Be honest with yourself, Rosey, I wanna know how you feel.” Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Pick me, pick me, pick me! Pleeeeease, can I say how *I* feel?…

…What. A. Total. Asshole. Shitdick. Fuckface. Jerkwad. Cuntboy…

Rikki steps in, telling Josh, “Seriously, you have issues.” Club Kid just stares at her and says “Maybe.” Careful, Rix! Don’t forget he still has a knife in his hand! The Twinz tell him to sit down, and on the way back he approaches Gnarly Trevor, saying “Thank you for giving me that advice, cuz, honestly I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!” That would be your sense of integrity dissipating, Josh.

Both Stripperista and Barfly interview that they don’t believe a word that’s coming out of his mouth. Chub-In-Training Scott says, “Maybe his name is not even Josh! Who knows?” As for Club Kid, he slumps down in his seat, muttering, “I didn’t fucking lie… not this whole time.” Oh, honey, I think Joshy has finally flipped out. Rikki says what’s on everybody’s mind, “It’s pretty apparent, Josh, this isn’t gonna work.” Club Kid says he knows, and starts trying to make another speech, but Vikki’s had enough of his bullshit, “Nononono, you’re not saying anything, you’re just getting out!” Rikki puts in her two cents with, “Seriously? Get. The fuck. OUT!”

Club Kid ain’t movin’. The Ikkis start screaming at him. He ignores them and attempts to continue whatever asshat speech he was trying to make, but the Twins come screeching over like a pair of unholy harpies to hasten his exit. Chubbsy takes this as his cue to shake Club Kid’s hand, which pisses the girls off even more, and eventually both Scott and Trevor escort and propel Josh through the door, which Rix’N'Vix slam forcefully behind him.

I’m not certain, but I think Club Kid may have actually lost his marbles, because he’s still lying as he says “By me saving face and walking out like a gentleman I end up, you know, gettin’ the door slammed in my face like I did something wrong. It’s not fair, but… that’s life!”…

…just yours, Josh…

Meanwhile, the still highly-pissed Ikkis are in the closet area none-too-gently packing up Club Kid’s things for him, which they take outside (where he’s still waiting by the door). He takes another Shot At Stupidity with them, saying “I don’t want to humiliate you guys and make you look stupid…” Rikki fires back, “You’re not making us look stupid, you’re making yourself look stupid.” Vikki takes a moment to point out, “You dug your own grave!”

Still trying to tell them what he thinks they want to hear, Josh says “Maybe I’m afraid of rejection…” Rikki stops him, “Are you doing this right now because you were afraid that we were gonna make you leave?” Club Kid says “I am.” Rix continues, “And you’re saying that stuff that you just pulled in there was all fake… because you were afraid of getting rejected by us?” Josh is just nodding his head.

Rikki explodes! “Why would you do that? Vikki didn’t wanna fucking make you leave!” She wanted you to stay!” Sinking even lower, Josh is attempting to fake cry and squeeze out a few tears (for sympathy) as he whimpers that he made bad decisions, bad choices, and Rikki yells that he’s full of shit and stalks off. Taking Josh’s hands, Vikki looks him in the eyes and says, “Someday, someone’s gonna fuck you over… because karma’s a bitch! So, peace out, asshole!”, and she joins her sister. Together they slam the door on poor Josh, the Smelly Turd Nobody Wanted. Boo hoo.

Vix says she’s angry now that they kept such a lying piece of shit around… and sent home people that really cared about them. Duh. As for Club Kid, he’s really working hard to cry and appear sad, as he sobs, “I’m a liar no matter which way it works! I put so much of me out there…*snif*… and I’m so… big-hearted…*sob*… and I’m s-so s-sweet and good to these girls… *wail* … and then they just start taking advantage of me… *snot* … and it’s gonna take a little bit for me to heal… and… I know somebody out there is gonna love meeee…”

…not if they watched this show (or read TVGasm)…

Wow, I didn’t think it would have been possible for someone to out-douche Chub-In-Training, but Josh was committed to making everyone hate him, and he succeeded spectacularly! And he couldn’t even bring himself to own up to his bullshit at the end! You know who else isn’t owning up to their bullshit? Stripperista! She’s inside at this very moment whining to the Twins about how Josh made her look like an asshole for an entire hour! She can’t stand the fact that he was saying that she lied about making out with him, she did make out with him, she totally told the truth! Sorta.

Hilariously, I can hear the producers playing TLC’s “Creep” in the background on the soundtrack. The twins are stroking her hair and listening raptly as she relives the fact that she hooked up with the douchebag they just kicked to the curb. I have no idea why they’re not mad at her, too. Perhaps the twin flesh zeppelins moored to her chest have so much gravitational pull that they just can’t help being drawn to her.

Rix says that while she IS disappointed in Rosey, she did tell them “the truth” and also apologized. She neglects to mention that “the truth” didn’t come out until someone pulled a knife on her. Vikki says she doesn’t think she’ll be able to fall for Stripperista after all of this, but she knows Rikki is still really into her.

After all this drama, instead of the silly dates they had planned for the evening, the Twins decide to just come and chillax with the remaining Elite Five (yes, Black-Eye Xoe is inexplicably back, perhaps because they realized if she left too, then the show would be just about over) and just get to know them a little better. You know, like normal people would do if they were actually interested in another person.

They set up a nice dinner, with lobster and crab and all kinds of other seafood, and everyone is enjoying themselves… until it starts to rain. Awww, they don’t care, everyone is so relieved that Club Kid is no longer in their midst that they take it in stride and move everything indoors.

Even though Josh is gone, they still have to eliminate one more person before the Ikkis travel across the country to meet everyone’s family on the “hometown dates” and they want to know if everyone’s excited about it. Everyone is… except for Black-Eye Xoe. Rikki brings up the fact that they talked about Black-Eye’s dad before, and how he’s “very Christian”. Xoe puts the situation into no uncertain terms as she plainly states, “He’s homophobic.”

And here’s where Vikki loses what limited smidge of respect I had for her, as she (and her GIANT EGO) says, “I feel like I would be the person that would make your dad, like, feel like it was okay, though!”…

…”Right after he gets a good look at my naked porn spreads with my twin sister!”…

Sure. Just like Tila Tequila was responsible for the brief (but happy) time when gay marriage was legal in California. I’m guessing that what Vikki really means by her incredibly arrogant and self-absorbed statement is that Xoe’s dad is more likely to accept a nice, pretty, girly, feminine, fake bi-sexual over one of those icky, gross, disgusting, mannish-looking, real-live lesbians.

She’s completely ignoring all of the signs that this situation is no joke, it is speaking to what are obviously some very serious issues for Xoe, who laughs nervously and says that if she exposed her father to the Ikkis that he would probably be “disappointed in the way that he raised me.” I don’t believe that she used the term “homophobic” lightly, but Rikki and Vikki still manage to look like her reluctance is a direct insult at them, instead of an attempt to make them understand a real live gay issue. Oh well, narcissicm reigns supreme in Ikki-World!

It’s a brand new morning (afternoon) at Casa De Drama, and as Black-Eye Xoe awakens she decides a good way to shake off the previous night’s hangover would be to have some fun and “play dress-up”. This means that she and Barfly are going to turn Gnarly Trevor and Chub-In-Training Scott into “drag queens”! Strangely enough, this idea seems to excite Chubbsy, who bellows “Just make me look pretty, that’s all I ask for!” Let’s hope Xoe has a magic wand somewhere in her makeup kit.

…what Xoe really needs is a trowel and some spackle…

Scott interviews, “I thought it was a great idea for me to dress up as a woman so I could show the Ikki Twins my sensitive side…” I’m unclear as to how putting on lipstick, eyeliner, blush and eyeshadow somehow equals “sensitivity”, but we’ll just let Chubs tell himself that’s the reason why he’s doing it…

Barfly is working on Gnarly Trevor’s mug, lying to him and telling him he would make such a pretty girl! Trevor says when he saw himself in the mirror he felt “so gay!” Don’t worry, Trev, lotsa straight guys like to dress up in women’s clothing and put on pretty makeup, you don’t have to worry about suddenly becoming gay unless you slip and fall and a penis accidentally inserts itself into one of your bodily orifices…

…besides, he needs waaaaay bigger boobs to qualify as “pretty” in this house…

Oddly enough, Chub-In-Training really likes the way he looks, and he says, “I looked in the mirror and I thought I was the sexiest bitch I ever saw… I almost jumped right through the mirror and fucked myself!” That explains his extremely low standards of beauty…

…hawt…

Well, he does have bigger boobs than Trevor. Now that the boys have been all gussied up and girlified, it’s Barfly and Black-Eye’s turn to gender-bend! Gnarly draws a goatee on Barfly, while Chub-In-Training gives Black-Eye a cartoonish handlebar mustache and chin-strap. The girls dress up in boy-clothes and ‘Bekah practices mumbling like Trevor while Xoe tries to mouth-breathe like Scotty…

…Actually, I think they look pretty cute…

Stripperista has finally aroused herself from her blackout, and now she wants to join in on the fun, too, but doesn’t know who she should dress up as…. I know! She’ll dress up as The Douche Bag Formerly Known As Club Kid Josh! They trick her out in a doo-rag, sport coat, chin-strap and Elvis sunglasses… the resemblance is eerie…

…notice she did not have to pencil in a mustache…

Stripperista’s laughing so hard when she gets a good look at herself that she almost pees. Then Black-Eye presents her with a gift… it’s a notebook that Josh somehow “left behind” that contains a bunch of poems that he was writing for Rikki and Vikki, which brings howls of laughter from everyone. Taking her role as Pseudo-Josh to a new level, Stripperista decides to hold a reading of some of his more lyrically intricate and thought-provoking work…

It’s pretty awesome as Rosey breathlessly reads, “I’ll always support you / your number one fan / always encouraging you / to be all that you can / I’ll always believe you / I know that I must / ‘cuz what is a relationship / without any trust?” Bwahahahahahaha! I’d bet you dollars to donuts that these weren’t just poems… I think they were raps that Josh envisioned himself busting out on a mic over some dope-ass beats!…

…”Yo, word t’ya muthah!”…

Wow, as much as I tend to sort-of completely hate Scott, I’m feeling a little distracted by his meaty naked thighs spread apart in that picture…. What was I saying again? OH, yeah, Gnarly Trevor is next to find tonight’s third “Message In A Bottle” which begs the question “How strong is your appetite for love?” and invites them to meet the Ikkis in the living room. Barfly says she doesn’t have an appetite all of a sudden, while Chubbsy’s rubbing his considerable belly and saying “Can’t wait!” Gnarly Trevor hopes it’s a hot-dog eating contest.

In the living room, tables have been nicely prepared with real silverware and cloth napkins. There are also puke buckets next to each of the seats. Once everyone is gathered together, Rikki says that to fall in love, they need to use their mind, body and their soul (provided they have one) and that everyone has been presented with “a three-course meal” broken down as follows…

Five chicken hearts, representing the five remaining Ikkitestants. Two lame brains representing Rikki and Vikki. OH, sorry, that’s two lamb brains. My bad. The third item is “a whole lotta guts, cuz that’s what you’re gonna need to get through this challenge!” Well, you know what happens whenever something shocking or disgusting happens on this show…

…Barfly. ‘Bekah’s. Biggest. Blowjobface. Ever…

Actually, I’ll give her a pass this time, because when I saw the plates my jaw dropped, too. There are groans from all around (and cheers from Chub, who tells Black-Eye Xoe she doesn’t have to eat because he’s going to win it anyways!) Sure enough, the first person to lick their plate clean will get a special double-date with the Twins that night before the Elimination! Is it worth it?…

…I’d rather go home…

Okay, seriously, this has got to be the lamest and least imaginative challenge ever! Forcing contestants to eat nasty things has been on just about every reality TV show for the last decade, and watching people vomit on television has lost whatever marginal shock-value it had to begin with. It would have been a lot more interesting if instead of just boiling the crap out of these things, they had a real chef create an actual dish with them (using seasonings and garnishes and maybe a side dish) and tell everyone to eat it as quickly as they can… but don’t tell them what’s actually in it until halfway through… then see who can actually finish it!

Plus, what in the blue fuck does shoving lame-brains into your mouth have to do with whether or not you love somebody? I mean, I love my BF, but he’d have to hold a gun to my head to make me eat that shit, and even then I might just tell him to kill me, because unlike porn queens and Hollywood starlets, I don’t enjoy puking…

…looks like Barfly doesn’t, either…

I’ll spare you a heave-by-heave replay (for once)… suffice it to say that Chub-In-Training is chowing down like it’s his birthday and he’s been promised a blowjob from a toothless hooker…. and everybody else can barely stand the smell of what’s on their plates before they all re-enact that pie-eating scene from “Stand By Me”. Rikki and Vikki actually try a bite of the lamb brains… but it’s too icky for the Ikkis and they spit it back out. In their joint interview, Rikki speculates that the girls must have really bad gag reflexes, and Vikki muses “I don’t think they’re used to, like, gross things in their mouth…” and the Twins giggle like imbeciles…

…I’m quite sure that isn’t the grossest thing they’ve ever had in their mouths…

Not helping my own gorge is the sight of Chub-In-Training chewing giant cheekfuls of the stuff (with his mouth half-open, natch!) and making disgusting smacking noises. Either his alcohol abuse has left him with no taste buds, or his mother’s cooking is utterly vile, cuz I don’t understand how he’s choking that stuff down. “We all have our talents,” he says, “and I have the talent to eat shit!” Well whoopee for you, Scotty, looks like this challenge was tailor-made for you…

…”I’M KING OF THE SHIT-EATING WORLD!!!”…

Hilariously, the song now playing in the background is TLC’s “Unpretty”! Wow, that’s two ancient TLC songs in one show! Chubbsy looks pretty pleased with himself, and I think the true impact of his victory is starting to dawn on the Twinz as Rikki says “Scotty wins, and we’re gonna wash all that gross stuff down with some drinks and some… kissing. Hopefully he’ll brush his teeth, though!” I wouldn’t bet on it.

Everyone else is rushing for the bathroom to wash the vomit out of their mouths, though, while Chub-In-Training swaggers along behind them acting like he’s just won the lottery. Gnarly Trevor earns even more of my love as he admits, “It’s cool that Scotty did so well… but it also shows that Scotty’s just like, you know… gross.” LOL, Gnarls! Stripperista also gets in a good one when she tells Chubbsy that he smells like cowshit now. I think that was true before they ate the gross stuff, but whatever.

Rikki’s saying that she hopes Scotty realizes how important this date is for him, because while she has a strong connection with him (huh? she does?) he’s going to need to try to forge one with Vikki as well or she’s gonna want to send him home. I’m hoping he burps up a little lamb brain in her mouth while they’re kissing…

OMG the song playing as they begin their date has a lyric that goes “I wanna do you like a porn star if you let it get that far…” (they helpfully tell us that this Date Rape Anthem is called “Porn Star” by Lynam… which is almost “manly” spelled backwards… classy!!) The group sounds eerily like a lame Smash Mouth cover band, and I’ll bet Scotty’s a superfan.

…hey now, you’re a rock-star, get the show on, get… laid…

Chub-In-Training’s goal for the date is to “make sure the girls have a really good time… and um, try to kiss them as much as possible!” Well, there goes the ‘good time’ part. Anyways, Rikki asks him what his family is like, and what they’ll think of the Twinz, and he says they’ll love them, and that he’ll make sure to “take care of them”. Rikki says she thinks that Scotty is “showing his boyfriend colors” and she seems to like them. I say his “boyfriend colors” clash with everything in the universe. This guy wants one thing, and one thing only: a great fuck. Preferably one-sided in his favor.

The Rikkster decides to lead Scott to a private area where they start kissing. She interviews that while he started off as a “party guy”, lately he’s been being a “lot more mature” and she just loves that! Too bad she didn’t see him in drag earlier. Actually, it’s kind of sad to see how obviously nervous and uncomfortable (and horny) he is, because with every sentence that comes out of Rikki’s mouth, he’s just parroting it back to her, repeating buzzwords like “serious” and “mature” and “handjob”…

…okay, he didn’t say the last word, but you know he’s thinking it!…

They start to kiss, and it’s quite obvious that Chubbsy is about to slurp half of her face off with that giant gaping fishmouth of his. The harsh lighting isn’t doing his craggy complexion any favors, either (I’m betting Rikki wishes it were a lot darker… that way she could pretend he was Josh!) and I’m afraid there’s going to be zit-leakage if he’s not careful.

Suddenly, out of the darkness comes a terrible shrieking whine! It’s Vikki! “Scotteeeeeeee! I’mmm borrrrrrred!” This breaks the mood (honestly, Rikki doesn’t really look too disappointed) and Chub-In-Training says he’s “gotta be fair” and give Vikki some alone time with him on the tiki bed. Vix is asking him if he can see any kind of romantic connection between them, and offers to kiss him to find out. She starts with a small “pop-kiss” but Scotty quickly moves in for a much heavier kiss, kind of like the ones he was giving that plate of crapfood earlier. He’s over the moon and interviews that “it just felt right!”

Vikki sort of agrees, “Kissing Scotty was nice…. until he tried to fuck me!” Suddenly, he’s not only kissing her, but he’s also pushing her down on her back, positioning his heavy body over hers and grinding his crotch on her. Vikki’s still giggling, but it’s clear she’s not comfortable with this level of passion and semi-rolls him off of her, wondering if Rikki got him “a little too warmed up”…

…nope, I think this is the desired outcome of all Scotty’s dates!…

Striving to recapture his King Of The Dickfaces crown from Club Kid Josh, Chubbsy fondly reminisces, “If it kept goin’ on any longer I probably would’ve ended up having sex with her right there!” Of course, Scotty, I’m totally sure she would have allowed you to bone her on camera with her sister 30 feet away! I find his choice of words quite interesting… notice that he didn’t say “we would have ended up having sex”, it was “I would have had sex with her“… well, he is used to the house blow-up doll, and you never has to ask her permission to stick it in…

Well, now is that dreaded part of the night where Rikki and Vikki have to go make their dreadfully serious decision on who to stab and send home from this tacky-ass house. I may cry just watching them wrestle with it.

Regarding Stripperista: Vikki says she has had no romantic connection with her. Rikki says she does. I’d like to remind them that so did Club Kid Josh. Over and over again. Vikki actually does bring this up, but Rikki whines that people make mistakes, and deserve second chances, and thinks it took soooo much guts for Stripperista to admit to what she did, but Vikki flat out says that she feels a better connection with everybody else but her. Rikki is not pleased…

…”Oh, no you DI-ent!”…

Moving on to Black-Eye, Rikki wants to know if Vikki really believes Xoe has feelings for her. Vix says she’d like to think so, and Rix counters with, “I just don’t think that she really likes you.” Vikki fires back with “Well, I don’t really think RoseMarie likes you.” Oooooh, girl fight!

This causes Rikki to explode, “RoseMarie stood up there and told us the truth about something that could potentially get her kicked out of the house! I think she definitely feels a little bit stronger about us than Xoe does!” Vikki looks wounded and starts crying… “I just feel like every time we do this, like, every time it’s the people that *I* like, you just yell at me and make me believe that they don’t like me! Are you, like, playing on my insecurities or something?” Rikki looks irritated and insists, “No!”…

…even though we all know, like, she totally is!…

And now Rikki simultaneously makes me loathe her while she goes for Xoe’s vulnerable spot, “Everybody else here wants us to meet their family!” and runs through how Gnarly, Stripperista, Chub-In-Training and Barfly all believe their folks are going to just love the Twins, “and Xoe’s like, ‘I really don’t want you to meet my parents.’… like, she is embarrassed of us! That’s it! She won’t let us meet her dad!”

You know what? Fuck you and your insane egotism, Rikki. Xoe has to live with the consequences of appearing on this show long after you and your skank-sister will have floated out of her life on a cloud of vodka-fumes. How dare you try and turn her fear of her father’s homophobia into being all about you! It’s never been a question of her being “embarrassed” of you (though she has a great many valid reasons to be) but simply the fact that she does not want to upset her father for reality-show ratings…

(((deep breath)))

Whew! Sorry, ‘Gasmii. I didn’t mean to go off like that, but I suspected this kind of bullshit was coming down after last week’s episode.

Rikki is still blathering on, “I just don’t think that she feels as strongly as you do, because you want to bring her home to meet our dad!” Surprisingly, Vikki shows she has a smidge of understanding as she calmly says “Our mom and dad are super laid-back people, and they’re super understanding. A lot of people don’t have that.” Rix still isn’t getting it, and says she doesn’t understand who else Vikki would rather have them send home. “RoseMarie!” Vix shouts. “Why?” demands Rikki. Vikki points out that if their roles were reversed, she would never hook up with another guy in the house. Good point! But I suspect boobs are going to win out over brains (again)…

It’s finally Elimination Time, and first up to get his key tonight is Chub-In-Training Scott. Puke. Next comes Gnarly Trevor, whom Vikki thanks for telling them about the goings-on in the house (at the right time). Yay for tattle-timing! Third in line tonight is Barfly ‘Bekah… which brings us down to Black-Eye Xoe versus Stripperista RoseMarie. So not surprising. Even less surprising is the look on Xoe’s face…

…gee, you think she knows already?…

Rikki says they spent a lot of time talking about the two of them, but that they’ve reached a decision, “And I feel good about it.” Vikki looks like she doesn’t. With that, Xoe’s Shot At Love ends. Vix interviews that she didn’t want to send Xoe home, but “Rikki got her way like usual! From now on, it’s about me!”

Our girl Black-Eye doesn’t make a scene or go batshit crazy, she simply hugs each of the Twins and walks out the door with a soft “Bye…” over her shoulder. Outside she says, “Would I still like a shot at love? Yeah! But it just doesn’t feel right to me to bring them home to my family. The girls are here to find love, and if I’m not the person they’re in love with then I guess I gotta go.”…

…”Plus, I can get hotter chicks with better boobs back home in Texas, so it’s all good!”…

Mmmmm, I think the Ikkis have made a big mistake here… they’ve just let go one of the smartest and cutest (not to mention sweetest) people in the house… all in favor of a hard-faced, mustachioed liar like Stripperista. Oh well, I think Xoe actually may have dodged a bullet here. Besides, it looks like next week there is drama with Stripperista’s family and the Twins get into a shoving match! I can’t wait!

What did you think of this episode? Do you agree with them keeping Stripperista over Xoe? Which one is a bigger dickface, Chubbsy or Club Kid? And who made the uglier woman, Trevor or Scott? I hope you enjoyed this one, I know I sure went on a wild ride with it. Thanks for letting me vent, hopefully next week’s show is a little lighter in tone…

love, J-Mo