Double Shot At Love: Vegas Sucks’N'Blows!

Greetings ‘Gasmii! I just got back from Los Angeles where I spent the weekend celebrating the BF’s birthday with lots of good food (we had an insanely expensive but orgasmic meal at Lawry’s The Prime Rib) and entertainment (we screened the classic disaster-flick “The Towering Inferno” to see O.J. Simpson’s amazing afro) and I wondered if I might be able to somehow find the IkkMansion in the Hollywood Hills… and throw rocks at it. However, this week’s show spent very little time there, as the Ikkitestants were whisked away to fabulous Las Vegas so they could get stupidrunk in an even tackier environment than usual…

…and have a blowjobfaceoff apparently…

I have to say, I absolutely love me some Las Vegas! I truly do. All the glitz and glitter and glamour and any other word that starts with “G” that you can think of (even words like “gorgeous” and “gaudy” and “grotesque”). Love it. And on this week’s episode of Double Shot At Love we pretty much get none of that because this show’s thong-string budget could only put them up at the Hard Rock Hotel (and jeez, I never thought I’d say this, but Planet Hollywood is way cooler looking) but as always, I will soldier on. Come join me for some suckage after the jump!We open on aerial shots of The Strip (of course we know MTV is going to ignore all the uggos that inhabit Downtown) as Rikki tells us they’re taking Barfly, Gnarly and Chub-In-Training to a “romantic getaway” in Vegas. The first one of them who says either “Vegas, baby!” or “Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!” is going to feel me taking an industrial-strength nail-gun to the crotch of the voodoo dolls I have made of them. That is such a lie anyhow, because whatever happens in Vegas often comes home with you. In the form of microscopic pets, usually.

Anyhow, a big black gas-guzzling SUV pulls up to the Hard Rock Hotel and Chubbsy comes bounding out whooping and jumping up and down like the utter embodiment of dipshittery that he is…

…I guess dickfaces can defy gravity, too…

I think it’s kind of interesting that up until last week we had no clue that Scott was Jewish (well, sorta Jewish, I get the feeling he might be considered a bit of a jack jew) and now instead of tuxedo T-shirts or that fabulously stupid “Lesbians Learn From ME” tank-top, he’s suddenly alllll about Hebrew Pride… well, Jewish-American Princesses across the land, meet your Chubby King!

Upon entering their suite, King Chubbsy is spurred into further paroxysms of joyous elation as he shouts “This room is everything that the Hard Rock Casino stands for! This is exactly what I expected Vegas to be, but, like, times, like, a million!” All because they have a purple pool table, a few flat-screen TVs and a king-size bed (which Scott immedately starts jumping on with his bare fungus-encrusted feet). Chub-In-Training is easily impressed, I guess. Too bad he’s not more easily groomed.

After the Final Three bust open some champers and start up a game of pool to pass the time, the Ikki Twins finally make their first appearance to tell them how this whole trip is gonna go down. They’ll all go on a “group date” during the day, and then at night they will have a private date with each of the Ikkitestants. Vikki interviews that she’s “falling in love” with all three of these rock-bottom remainders, and marvels at the fact that she could be “in love” with three people by the time they leave Vegas. I’ve known more relationships that have hellishly imploded over drunken weekend antics in Nevada than anywhere else on the planet. Vikki obviously has breast-fat-for-brains…

…”Eating at The Pink Taco is romantical, right?”…

Anywhore, they all share a toast to what Rikki calls the “best Vegas trip evah!” and Vikki makes sure to plug the show by adding “and a Double Shot At Love!” (in case the viewing audience is too illiterate to notice the graphic plastered over the lower-right-hand corner of the screen throughout the entire show).

Instead of going to The Pink Taco, or Nobu, or even Mr. Lucky’s Diner, they all make their way into what looks like an empty darkened strip-show lounge where they are seated at a booth to have “lunch”… all by themselves. Woo-hoo for the sights and sounds of Vegas! This place could be an L.A.-area Spearmint Rhino during off-hours for all we know. Hope they ran a hot mop over the floor (and seats) at least.

Rikki’s blathering on about how she thinks they have “the right three people” there with them, and proceeds to ask everyone if they ever thought they’d be the last ones there. Gnarly Trevor says he didn’t think he had a chance in hell at first. He obviously doesn’t realize this is hell…

…because cheap garden-salad (and cheaper cleavage) always looks so much more appetizing under fluorescent lighting…

Barfly pipes up that she knows how much she loves women, her connection with the Ikkis is just so strong, and tells the boys that one of them is going to go home. Well, duh, ‘Bekah, if they sent you home to take care of your kid there’d be no titillating bisexual angle left on this show!

Not wanting to leave Chub-In-Training out (although I wouldn’t mind if he just sat there shovelling limp salad into his yap) Rikki says “Scotty, you sure have changed since you’ve been here, huh?” Looking like he’s just had his balls fondled, Chubbsy affects a superior air and says “Me? I would say so, a li’l bit… you girls turned me into a gentleman!” Megachunkybarf! I’m sure Scott’s idea of “gentlemanly” behavior is to point his generous ass away from them when he farts. “We love the change!” gushes Rikki.

Then Chubbsy goes on a long rambling speech about how in the beginning he was just there to have a blast (i.e. get drunk and threaten the lives of other better-looking Ikkitestants) but over time he has come to realize that he likes both of the girls a lot and could easily fall in love with them, they’d be the perfect girlfriends for him! This admission causes Rikki to make cry-ey face and a single jewel-like tear falls from her left-eye…

…or maybe Scotty just cut a ripe one…

Rix interviews that she’s just now realizing how close she is to finding someone to “love” and it made her get “emotional”. But enough of this ersatz-schmaltz! It’s time for the Lame-O-Rama Challengeâ„¢ that’s going to determine the order of the individual dates! Because they’re in Vegas they’re going to play a card game! I am immediately frightened, because I doubt these three fuckwits can handle the intricate complexities of Old Maid, much less a real gambler’s game like Poker or Blackjack.

Ahh, but I needn’t have worried, because the producers know this, too, and instead the Twinz point out an empty bar covered in playing cards (they’re going to play 52-Card-Pickup?) Nope, today’s “card game” is going to be called “Suck’N'Blow”! Ooooh, dirrrrty! They’ll have five minutes to transport as many cards as they can from the bar to a smaller table about 15 feet away… using only the suction of their mouths!

This prompts Gnarly Trevor to boast “I know I can suck pretty hard, and I’m gonna win this shit!” What is this, fifth grade? Hardy-har-har, he said “suck”. In my world this is not a brag that you make lightly, it is far too easy to have your bluff called, so to speak.

Relishing the fact that for once nobody is saying it to them, the Twinsies scream out “Suuuuuuuuuck!” and the Ikkitestants are off! Right away Gnarls proves himself to be surprisingly good at this “game”, snagging sometimes two and three cards at a time, while Barfly seems to be doing just okay. Chub-In-Training, on the other hand, can’t seem to get the hang of it…

…maybe he’s better at it when dicks beer bottles are involved…

Funny, I would have thought Scotty’s near-constant practicing of his blowjobface would have put this one in the nutsack for him, but I guess that’s just not the case. He seems pretty pissed about it, too, and after several more epic failures he’s positively seething, saying “You know what? I don’t suck! I’m not a sucker! It’s not what I do!” Gee, you think he’s referring to the card game? Me, either.

Barfly, on the other hand, is shrewdly taking tips by watching Gnarly Trev’s technique, noting how quickly he is running back and forth (as opposed to Chubbsy’s way of lumbering about and losing his cards halfway to the small table). ‘Bekah says “I knew I needed to get my ass into gear and start sucking and blowing!” and she demonstrates the face we’ve all come to know and love…

…who knew this would come in handy someday?…

…and time is called! Today’s winner, with a full deck of 52 cards is none other than… Gnarly Trevor! He gets to pick the order of their individual dates now, and he decides that Barfly should go first. Miss ‘Bekah ain’t worried, though, because she believes that her date is going to set the bar so high that the other two won’t be able to measure up. Yay for Vagina Powerâ„¢!

Gnarly’s choice for the second date is, of course, Chub-In-Training, who pretends to look happy and says he appreciates being given the shit-spot. Scotty says that he’s confident that Barfly is gonna fall on her face “and the Jersey boys win this thing!” Wow, sounds like true love to me. This leaves Gnarly Trevor in the prime position of having the last date, thus being the last impression on the Twins, and with that they retire to their suite so Barfly can start skanking herself up for the evening ahead…

…which apparently calls for her sexiest “Assault Victim” eyes…

‘Bekah says she’s nervous about the date because this is going to be her last chance at alone time with Rix’N'Vix before elimination. I think she should be nervous because she looks like Pimpy McSmackaBitch got ahold of her. She comes prancing out of the bathroom to parade herself in front of the boys, and making feminists and lesbians across the nation extra proud she says “I can’t be pretty and smart, so I chose to be pretty tonight!”, and giggles. Sadly the irony of presupposing she even has that choice is lost on her.

However, I love her parting shot as she walks out the door: “Bye boys! Have a great night giving each other blowjobs!” Oooh, I think she read Chubbsy’s mind! Angered that his plan to get Gnarls drunk and polish his pork-lollipop has been exposed, Scotty tries to Tim Gunn her down, saying “Yeah, if her date goes as bad as her dress we’ll be in good shape!” You go, Chubbsy! Spoken like a true jealous bitch! *snap* *snap* *snap*

Anyhow, for Barfly’s date tonight, the Twins have a cabana set up at poolside where they’ll have dinner together. I guess they really must like that beat-to-shit look, because when Barfly comes rounding the corner they both swoon, and Rikki exclaims, “Holy hell you look hot!” while Vikki actually compliments Barfly on her makeup!…

…I do love her pillow-hair, it fairly screams “freshly fucked”…

Barfly is ready to tell the Ikkis once and for all how she’s feeling inside her heart. She starts off with an ass-kiss (good move!) by reminding the Twinz of the “very difficult decision” they are going to have to make in a couple of days, and goes on to say she feels she would be “the best wife”. Too bad that’s not legal in Nevada (like prostitution) but nevertheless, her use of the word “wife” really impresses Vikki. ‘Bekah puts on her best “I-am-so-super-serious” face and continues, “That’s where I’m at in my life, I’m done dating, I’m ready to have a family, and, like, I’m in it for the long haul… so, if you’re not in it for that, I should probably be the next one to go.” We hear big bass-drum hits, and go to commercial!!…

…this shit is just as effective as the Ikki’s methods for finding “love”…

And we’re back, only to be treated to a repeat of Barfly’s last little thinly-veiled ultimatum. Interesting approach, but will it backfire? Of course not, because now Rikki is telling Barfly, “That’s where I am for sure in my life… ready to settle down.” Awww, this is so… silly? stupid? scripted? I dunno, I just have a hard time believing these party chicks are really ready to trade in the fuck-me-pumps for a pair of New Balance Mom Sneakersâ„¢ and clean up after a five-year-old.

Let’s leave them behind for a moment and check back on the boys to see what they’re up to. Oh wow, Chub-In-Training is shirtless and they’re playing New Kids On The Block’s “You Got It (The Right Stuff)” as Scott and Trev are boinking like bunnies. Okay, I’m just kidding, actually Scotty is dancing around wearing Elvis Sunglasses and his tits’n'belly are jiggilng sexily all over the suite…

…okay, maybe Gnarly Trevor disagrees with the “sexily” part…

“That’s the worst dance I’ve ever seen!” says Gnarly. I have to concur, I have an idea that Chubbsy might be a really lousy lay, because he has absolutely no rhythm. Trevor says it really sucked that Barfly was out having her date (that he chose to allow her to be on) and that he and Scotty “just felt super-pent-up…” Suddenly he’s standing in front of a sweaty Chub-In-Training, who breathes, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”, and the next thing we see is…

…bowm-chicka-bow-bow…

Okay, actually they’re getting dressed, because they’ve decided to have “guys night out” and hit “Wasted Space”, the newest club at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, where they proceed to drink themselves into a douche-daze and Chub-In-Training gleefully shouts “Vegas, babayyyy!”…–

*pwak!* *pwak!* *pwak!* *pwak!* *pwak!* *pwak!* *pwak!* *pwak!* *pwak!*

Sorry, I just emptied an entire clip of heavy-duty box nails into the crotch of my heftiest voodoo doll with the big belly and matching moobs. Well, maybe that’ll keep him from trying to screw the numerous ladies that have appeared and surrounded the two boys at the bar… ladies who are clearly attracted to them because they have a camera crew following them they are so damned sexy.

Back over at the Boring Date, Barfly is attempting to backpedal her way out of her previous screwups (remember how she told Vikki that she just wanted to be besties and date Rikki?) by saying that while Rix gives her “butterflies” she’s always had a sexual attraction to Vix… but that allll changed when she saw how Vikki and her son Cayden bonded and it made her think “Thiiiiis might be the girl.” Rikki looks pleased to hear this…

…as she dives into her Two Buck Chuck Merlot…

This might not have been a smart move, cuz Rikki says hearing that hurt her feelings and she always thought she and Barfly had such a strong connection. Attempting some quick damage control, ‘Bekah says she already knows she and Rikki are “like this” (and she makes this weird finger gesture that looks like two chicks laying on their backs and bumping uglies) but now she knows that she’s reached that same exact place with Vikki, too. The Twinz smile at her and swallow this load of crap whole.

Taking on a much lighter tone, Barfly says they need to really have some fun tonight, because she really wants to have something to “rub in their faces” when she heads back to the boys in the room later. I guess a lubricant-soaked pair of panties isn’t enough of a souvenir, she’s determined to bring back an STD or two as well.

Meanwhile Gnarly and Chub-In-Training are still partying it up over at “Wasted Space” (which would have been an excellent alternate title for this show) and Scotty’s so excited that he’s getting “treated V.I.P.” his first time in Las Vegas. I think he’s more excited by the fact that Gnarly Trev is trying to rip his shirt off…

…”Ohhh, you!…*giggle*… Just you wait ’til we get back to the room, mister!”…

You know, Trevor and Scott finding “love” with each other would be a really awesome way to end this show! Alas, I think Gnarls is just trying to cop a cheap feel of Scotty’s double-Ds while he’s drunk… at least, that’s what he’ll tell himself the next morning when he wakes up and finds his mouth plastered to one of Chubbsy’s nipples.

Our Trampy Trioâ„¢ have retired to their room to have champagne and giggle and coo at each other. Rikki takes Barfly to her private room and they crawl in bed together, where she takes the opportunity to tell her that the reason why she didn’t bond so much with ‘Bekah’s little boogersnot was because she wanted to get to know her mom and sisters more. She felt she could learn much more about Barfly from them than she could from Cayden. That makes sense, because most five-year-olds don’t have a lot of dirt to dish on their parents (I’m sure Michael Jackson’s kids are an exception). Barfly apologizes that she didn’t pick up on that when they were in Seattle. Then they make out.

Meanwhile, Vikki’s tossing rose petals on the bed in her room and eventually goes to steal Barfly away (Rikki gives her a hearty smack on the ass as she leaves!) and now it’s the Vixen’s turn to canoodle with ‘Bekah. She brings up what Barfly said at dinner about them only having a sexual connection and says she wants more than that, and ‘Bekah quickly says that the sexual vibe was just how she “opened up” to Vikki, but now it is more than that (i.e. she realized she didn’t want Vikki gunning for her to go home). Then they make out…

…I guess the pillow-hair was a smart choice after all…

Then Vikki takes her top off and starts rubbing her naked boobs all over Barfly. Yes, their connection is sooooo much more than just a sexual one. What we’re witnessing now is like, spiritual and shit. Or something.

Speaking of sexual, Gnarly Trev and Chub-In-Training Scott are lurching their way back to the room, and Scotty’s yelling at the top of his lungs “I don’t care how good Rebekah’s date went… our time was so much better!” This can mean only one thing: the two of them must have found a quiet (and relatively vomit-free) stall in the men’s room and played squeezytuggles with one another. It would explain Chubbsy’s sweaty glow.

Gnarly says he couldn’t wait to get back to the room and have hot dudesex with Scott tell Barfly all about their boys night out… but when they got there she wasn’t back! The boys decide to crawl into bed together and console themselves as best they can…

…well, it’s my idea of the perfect end to a perfect night out…

Okay, maybe I doctored that photo a teensy little bit… but I still found it interesting that there’s only one bed in the whole suite and they still chose to sleep in it together. Anyhoes, both Rix’N'Vix think it was a good thing that Barfly had her date first, because now they’ll be thinking of her the rest of the time they’re in Vegas… or until something shiny catches the light.

And what’s this? It looks like Barfly is heading back to spend the night… in Vikki’s room? Vix interviews “I can tell you that Rebekah did not sleep in the same room with, uh, Trevor and Scotty… I connected with her on every level imaginable!” and they show Barfly easing her way into the room behind the door marked with a giant glittery “V”… I can only guess Rikki musta passed out or something.

The next morning, Gnarly and Chub-In-Training are suffering from massive hangovers and Scotty’s wondering if he wouldn’t have been better off getting more sleep (duh) but he’s still jazzed about what an awesome time they had the night before. Well, different people prove their love for the Ikkis in different ways, I guess… some would have stayed in to make sure they were fresh and rested for their important private date, while others feel they can be more lovable when they’re all puffy and pukey-faced….

…poor thing, he looks like he’s been reincarnated as a jizz-towel…

Gnarly Trevor says he doesn’t remember the “very end of the night” because he was so drunk. HA! They totally hooked up! As they begin to try to eat breakfast, Chubbsy wonders aloud “Where’s that other whore that was livin’ here… Rebekah?” At that moment, Barfly and the Twinz make their grand entrance, looking quite chipper and drenched in that aura that says “We just had a zilliion hours of sex and now we’re in love!” This pisses off the guys mightily, because they are drenched in that aura that says “We just had a drunken illicit homosexual encounter and we hope nobody has it on video!”

Their mood is not improved by the sight of the girls all nuzzling one another, calling each other “lover” and grinning dopily at everyone. Barfly thanks Trevor for giving her the first date, and Rikki says it was the best of her entire life. Vikki innocently asks the boys, “Did you guys have fun last night?” and gets a rather odd look from Gnarly…

…”Uhhh, why, what have you heard?”…

LOL, now I know for sure that ChubGnarls did it! Chub-In-Training plays it off by saying he had enough to drink the night before to kill a small animal (which is appropriate since he has the same size brain) and Vix interviews “No wonder they look like shit this morning!” Too bad, because for today’s group date, they’ve got a day-trip to a “luxury party yacht… toys and all!” Barfly looks at Vikki, bats her eyes and coyly asks “Like the toy from your room?” and we hear a boioioioioing on the soundtrack.

After I picked myself up off the floor from laughing at all the comedy gold on my TV screen, we see them headed to Callville Bay Marina where a fully stocked houseboat awaits them, complete with a giant slide and several inflatable toys for the girls to bounce up and down on. Ahh, thank you for your soft-core porn, MTV! I wish I could appreciate it more. Eventually they sit down to a nice nutritious lunch…

…of Chee-Tos?…

…and Gnarly Trevor starts complaining about how he doesn’t like the fact that “the girls are hooking up with other people”. Um, Trev-honey, that’s kind of the whole point of the show, you know? Plus, it’s not really wise to start making moral judgments when you don’t really remember the end of the night before (*wink* *wink*). Barfly just gazes sexily back and forth at the Ikkis while Chubbsy just looks tired and ill.

His lack of energy has not gone unnoticed by the girls, as Rikki says “It’s strange to see Scotty being so quiet and low-key!”, and Vikki pipes up, “Yeah, cuz usually he’s, like, the loudest one in the group!” We are treated to a flashback of Scott’s Biggest Douchebag Moments, including his dumping food on Club Kid Josh while screaming, jumping in the pool while screaming, wearing stupid hats and screaming. Now I’m screaming.

Sitting between the Ikkis, he still hasn’t shaken his hangover croak, and I notice that the girls aren’t exactly draping themselves over his big belly (like they have with Gnarly and Barfly) like they’re afraid you can catch being fat or something…

…or perhaps his Axe Body Sprayâ„¢ has already failed…

Rikki’s convinced the partying of the night before has caught up to Scotty, and they admonish him not to fall asleep or get too drunk on their private date that night. Chubbsy admits if he could do it over again, he wouldn’t have had “Boys Night Out (Followed By Hot Boy-On-Boy Action)”.

As Chub-In-Training readies himself for The Date, Gnarly Trevor is blissfully lounging in bed and tells him “I have a feeling you’re gonna crash and burn.” Scotty disagrees, and I can’t tell if he says he’s horny or if he’s money, but he obviously believes he’s gonna nail it (or the Ikkis). His parting shot for the evening? “Bye, girls!” which prompts Gnarls to spit back “Shut up, bitch!” Mmm-hmm, they sound just like boyfriends to me!

Tonight’s date with the Twinsies is in the Penthouse Suite at the Hard Rock Hotel, which has a stripper pole (fitting) and a full bar with their own bartender…

…talk about shit-detail…

Wow, that’s the first black man to appear on this show since Toe-Breath Coop got sent home in Episode Two for farting on the Twins. I’m hoping Scott’s drinks might wind up with a little Shug Avery pee in them.

Rikki thinks Chub-In-Training looks adorable, “He looks like he could be standing on top of a wedding cake!” I think he looks more like he could eat an entire wedding cake. At dinner he’s telling them about what a “go-getter” he is, and that even in the beginning when he thought he’d never had a chance at “winning this thing” he would never give up. Rix wants to know “What if you weren’t, like, really falling in love?” Chubbsy apparently doesn’t see the ravine he’s about to bumble into and stupidly answers “If I wasn’t falling in love? I still wouldn’t give up!” Dumbfuck.

Rikki’s confused, “So you would pretend to be falling in love?” Scotty claims he wouldn’t pretend but he would “stick around” and not give up, which basically means yes, he would pretend because apparently Jersey Boys can’t stand to lose. Rix’N'Vix exchange a glance and Rikki observes he’s just digging himself deeper into the hole. I think the weak glimmer of an idea that perhaps he’s made a critical error is trying to make itself known in his dead-tired and hungover brain…

…no, but he is exceptionally stupid…

“Maybe you should’ve slept last night.” observes Vikki. I think I just heard the sound of this date crashing and the crackle of flames as it goes up in smoke. The girls are determined to get Chubbsy back into “party mode” so they take him to the bar, where they climb up on it and proceed to do blowjob shots. They even do a double-pole-dance (a la Showgirls) but to no effect. Scott still looks like death warmed over.

Somehow they wind up taking his shirt off (why, I have no clue) and Vikki throws ice on his chest. He doesn’t flinch. Rikki goes for the other end of the spectrum and tries to wake his fat ass up by pouring hot candlewax on him…

…she shoulda poured it about 8 inches lower, that woulda woken him up!…

Ah, I think drops of hot pearly-white liquid on his chest is only going to remind him of Gnarly. The Twins are understandably irked that he’s being such a lump, and Rikki decides to take Scotty to her room for some alone time, where they make out and, because he’s such a gentleman now, Chub-In-Training takes the opportunity to go for a full-on ass-grab…

…classy…

This picture may come back to haunt her worse than any of the pseudo-incestuous porn she’s done. I’m sure Chub-In-Training will gank it for his MySpace. Anyways, Vikki comes stalking around the corner with a drink in hand, saying “Time for my tiiiiime!” and looking about as excited as a trip to the free clinic for test results. I think by this time Scott is either flat-out drunk or he’s too tired to hide his stupid any more, because the first slurred words out of his mouth as Vikki straddles his crotch are “Your sister is awesome!” *record scratch*

Vix doesn’t take too kindly to this remark (natch!) and quickly climbs off his wilting erection, interviewing what a slap in the face it was that he said that. Vikki no likee rejectionee. I can’t blame her, either, because even as she’s gamely trying to get close to him and *ack* make out with him, he can’t shut his stupid yap from spilling out his inner essence of assholishness…

…How To Get Punched In The Nuts (fig.1)…

Wow, and here I thought it was just me thinking he was King Dipshit Of Jersey Turd Mountain, but it appears Vikki’s finally gotten the message that Chub-In-Training just isn’t that into her, and she immediately pulls away from him, abruptly suggesting that they go hang out with Rikki some more. Because he has all the sensitivity of a pile of vomit, Scotty just grins and eagerly follows her out of the room, possibly because he’s hoping to fondle Rikki’s ass some more.

Finally, the girls admit that they can stick a fork in this date, because it’s done, and they put Scotty to bed in Vikki’s room (sans Vikki) and he collapses on her bed so he can get to work making a giant drool spot on the comforter…

…I dunno about you, but this is exactly how I pictured this date ending up…

Rikki sounds pissed that they had to ditch their “jacuzzi plan”, saying she didn’t even bring a bikini and was going to jump in the hot tub naked! With Scotty in the same tub! I know! I’m totally gagging, too (and I don’t even have a gag-reflex, but this shit is bringing it back faster than you can say “bulimia nervosa”)! Instead, she and Vikki pretend to go to bed and sleep (in full hair, jewelry and makeup). Chub-In-Training blew this date like it was Gnarly Trevor’s glistening cock.

Speaking of Gnarls, when he and Barfly awaken the next morning and realize that Chubbsy didn’t come home last night, he gets instantly pissed. I kind of want to dislike him for being like this, but I think maybe he’s actually developing some kind of feelings for these two blow-up dollies and it’s intensifiying his jealousy. When Scotty and the Twins come sauntering in all fake-smiles it makes him feel even worse. Barfly is shocked, too, wondering how in the hell Chub-In-Training pulled off spending the night with the girls. It’s called “loss of consciousness”, darling.

Trevor asks how the date went, and now that he’s rested Scotty’s all chipper and chatty, saying that it was a “perfect Scotty date” and it had everything he likes. Interesting that he doesn’t seem to give a shit if it had anything the Ikkis like, but then again, I’m guessing that’s pretty normal for a “Scotty date”. All that was missing this time was the roofies.

Chub-In-Training actually seems to realize how badly the night really went down as he interviews how he’s not going to “show any weakness to Trevor and ‘Bekah” and act like it was the best date ever. Nevertheless, Gnarls and Barfly look mighty suspicious…

…ahhh, the pungent scent of bullshit in the morning…

Rikki makes a strange comment about having bruises on her inner thighs from the stripper pole, which prompts Barfly to throw her napkin down, saying “I think I just lost my appetite!” It could have been waaaay worse, ‘Bekah… she could have said she had bruises on her inner thighs from Scotty’s pole. Gnarly is just plain mad now, all this lying about hooking up is really bothering him, and he just wants breakfast to be ovah.

His wish is granted by Rikki, who says today’s group date is going to be four-wheeling in the desert on dune-buggies! Damn, that looks like fun! If I were Trevor or ‘Bekah, I would have totally run Scott off a small cliff. That would be lots of fun, too!…

..♪.Mr. Sandman, briiing me a dream.♪..

After a few hours tearing up the natural beauty of the desert (and adding to Vegas’s growing smog problem) everyone is hungry for lunch. The Twins ask how everybody is feeling and Trevor speaks up that “breakfast has, like, sucked for the past two days…” I know what he means, ‘cuz it looks like they didn’t even have any Trix or Golden Grahams or Lucky Charms! Oh, wait, he didn’t mean that, he was talking about the Ikkis spending all this time with people other than him. The cereal part sucks, too, though.

I doubt his mood is improved when Rikki chirps, “You know what I was just thinking, though? Like what if Trevor totally blows his date tonight, and then he doesn’t have any time to redeem himself?” Her choice of the words “blows his date” makes Gnarly look frightened again that maybe she knows what he did to Scotty night before last. Now he’s second-guessing his choice to have the last date, which is just silly. He could be drunk and juggling M-80′s, hand grenades and nitro-glycerin and still not bomb as badly as Chub-In-Training did last night!

Well, it’s do or Date Time, and the setting is another completely empty bar somewhere in the Hard Rock Hotel. As they sit down to dinner Trevor gets off on the right foot by telling Rikki that he’d be happy with her as his girlfriend… and turns to Vikki to say he’d be just as happy with her as well. Awwww! Rikki’s very pleased, “The old charming happy Trevor shone through, and he just reminded me of why I’ve liked him all this time!”…

…Happy? Yes. Charming? Wellllll…

After dinner they retire to the Ikki’s room (ostensibly for “dessert”) and Rikki’s admitting that when it comes to Gnarly, she really wants him all to herself. As they sip champagne and dig into their tray of sweets, Trevor starts feeding Rikki giant spoonfuls of flan. For some reason this flantastic behavior irritates Vikki, who gets up off the couch and stalks over to the window. Rikki takes this as tacit approval to start making out with Trev…

…passive-aggressive, much?…

“Oh, you taste so flan-y!” giggles Rix inbetween tongue-duelling with Trevor. Barf. He probably still tastes like Chubbsy. Vikki’s still fuming over by the window, and interviews that they’re going to each have their alone time with the Gnarlster soon enough, but she feels like Rikki’s trying to start a battle with her for the right to slurp second-hand dessert custard from Trev’s supple lips. This is probably not a battle I’d want to fight with anyone.

Seeing that her Storm-Off-And-Look-Pissy-Tacticâ„¢ didn’t work, Vix comes back to the couch. “I didn’t want you to go.” says Trevor, and he gives a nervous laugh. Things are made even more tense when Rikki says to Vikki rather jauntily, “Would it be rude if I asked you to get that blanket for me?” and she receives a “Would it be rude if you just fucking got up and got it?” from her sister in return. MeeYOW!

Rikki, sensing that she’s about to wind up with the better part of her face under Vikki’s fingernails wisely gets up to get the blanket herself, giving Vikki the chance to taste flan, Rikki and Scotty on Gnarls’ lips…

…I really hope he flossed all the Chubbsypubes out…

Rikki comes back and snags a kiss from Trevor, then Vikki gets another one, then Rikki, then Vikki. My toilet-bowl is about to get a kiss from me. Vikki is further angered by the fact that while she’s in the middle of kissing Trev, Rikki is playing with his Dockers Bulgeâ„¢ (how disappointed she’s going to be when she finds out all pleated-front pants do that!) and the sisters look ready for another catfight. However, Vikki rethinks this and decides to go ahead and invite Trevor to her bedroom for some “private time”.

Trevor says he’s really confused about which of the Twins he likes more, and which one likes him more. In bed with Vikki he says the woman he wants to be with would have to be his best friend, too, and he could see her being his best friend. Vix interviews that she was hoping he would come right out and say something that will make her feel like she’s the one he’s most interested in, but this best-friend shit just ain’t cutting it. But then, Gnarly goes for her sweet spot, saying he doesn’t want to be away from her…. ever. Then they make out.

Ahhh, but there’s a knock on the door! it’s Rikki, ready for her alone-time with Gnarly Trevor, who reluctantly leaves Vikki in bed. He’s barely inside Rix’s room before she’s thrown him up against the wall and is all grinding and kissing on him. Then she takes him over to the bed so they can talk, which seems kinda backwards to me, but whatever.

She wants to know if he’s happy, and if being with her is something that he can see happening. Time to play it very carefully, Trev! He says she has a piece of his heart and that he’s falling in love with her. Ruh-roh. “Like, I was holding myself back from just saying it full-on, like, that I love you… but maybe I shouldn’t hold back…” Hearing this, Rikki makes a face like her steak-n-shrimp fajitas are kicking back on her. “What was that look for?” Gnarls wants to know. “What are you saying?” asks Rikki…

…”That I love you.” finishes Trevor. “That you love me?” repeats Rikki. “YES, HE JUST FUCKING SAID HE LOVES YOU, YOU STUPID DINGBAT!!!” I scream at my television. Maybe she heard me, because Rikki starts to cry…

…”I heard some gay guy screaming and now I’m skeerd. Hold me.”…

Okay, so this isn’t exactly the ideal reaction Trevor was hoping for. Rikki admits she should be happy, but hearing his declaration of love is just making her more confused than ever because she’s “falling in love with two other people” and she just doesn’t know what to dooooooo. I’ll tell you what we should dooooooo. Let’s sterilize the lot of them.

For realsies, she’s been drooling over this guy since day one, and now he actually tells her he loves her on camera, and she’s claiming she might be developing feelings for Barfly and Chub-In-Training? The single-mom and the fat-ass? Poor Gnarly thinks that his revealing of his deepest feelings has turned Rikki off, and he’s right…

…this is definitely a first out of Rikki’s mouth…

And with that, she ends their date and leads Trevor out to spend the night on the uncomfortable looking couch in the living room. He’s kicking himself for saying the L-word, wondering if it was too soon in their relationship, and worrying if he’s now ruined everything he had going with Rikki. The Drama Queen herself is fake-crying in her interview and saying “I came here to find love, and someone said they love me, and I don’t even believe it!”…

…that makes several million of us, Rix!…

Jeez, she sure is an ugly crier. And how rude that Barfly and Chub-In-Training got to spend the night on a real bed, but Gnarly is stuck with the goddamned couch??!? This is how you repay someone who tells you he loves you? What a bitch! I would have totally been knock-knock-knocking on Vikki’s door.

The moon sets, the sun rises, it’s the last day in Vegas, time for one last Tense Breakfast (still no Lucky Charms) and Vikki thanks the Final Three for “spending their time wisely” (pointed looks are shot in Scott’s direction) and she feels like they know where they stand with everyone. Rikki insists that she “really cares” about all of them, no matter who gets sent home. Just don’t tell her that you love her, because then she will hate you…. and we head to commercial…

…you know, I totally appreciate what these “truth” anti-smoking ads are trying to do…

…but the sight of hundreds of scary crying baby dolls makes me want to light up…

And we’re back in L.A. at the IkkMansion to watch the Twins discuss who should go home. I’m hoping for another shoving match. Or maybe a knife-fight. Something. Anyhow, Vikki thinks Barfly used her time with the girls very well (I’m still not clear if they had sex, but I assume that’s what she’s referring to) and Rikki seems to like the fact that ‘Bekah told them to send her home if they weren’t serious about her. Nice play, Barfly!

Rikki goes on to say that “as of right now, I kind of think that Scotty would pick me, and Rebekah would pick you, so we know that we would both have somebody… so if we get rid of Scotty, then I’m stuck with knowing that she’s probably going to pick you, and Trevor doesn’t know… so my chances are a lot smaller than yours.” She fails to mention to Vikki that Gnarly told her he loved her, and justifies this by saying she’s not sure if he told Vikki he loved her, too. She. Has. Ish. Ewes! Vikki’s looking doubtful of this theory and cuts to the heart of it, saying “You can’t keep someone here because you’re afraid that someone else won’t fall in love with you.” Ha ha, try again Rikki!

Talking about Chub-In-Training, they both loved the “sensitive side” he showed at dinner (which I think was more along the lines of “semi-conscious” than “sensitive”) and Rikki thought he looked sooooo cute in his pink shirt and sport coat, but Vikki wants to know if she would want to be with someone who admitted they were pretty much there only for the sake of competition and to win. Then they flash back to Scotty lovingly grabbing and squeezing Rikki’s ass again. Blech.

As far as Gnarls goes, Rikki tries another devious tactic, saying “If he does stay here, I just feel like he’s not gonna be able to pick between us… and then we’re both gonna lose out.” I don’t think that’s true, I’d say he should pick the girl who doesn’t get all psychohaggish and make you sleep on the couch when you tell her you love her…

…”Plus, I swear I smelled penis breath when we were sharing that flan!”…

Vikki leans back, looks skeptical and cuts her eyes at Rikki, “Hmmmmm, we probably should have talked to him about that before.” Yeah, prob-lee, huh? Oh well, too late now, it’s time to head to the Elimination Room, thankfully for the last time. I really hate when they feel like they have to point out to us “There are three of you, and only two keys left.” but in thinking about the geniuses we’re dealing with here, perhaps the remedial math is helpful.

The first key tonight goes to… Barfly! (duh) This makes her feel really super duper good. I wish I knew what that was like, but I really haven’t been able to shake this low-grade nausea that comes over me every Tuesday night at 11pm. But enough about tummy-spew, it’s down to Gnarly Trevor and Chub-In-Training Scott!

Gnarls isn’t going to let this thing go without a fight, so he summons his testicles for strength and blurts out “Rikki, I told you something that I haven’t said to anybody in a really long time last night… and I wanted to say it to see how it felt… and it felt good saying it.” Now Rikki has an “Oh shit!” look on her face, while Vikki has a “What the fuck?” look on hers…

…beat the bitch, Vikki!…

Rikki’s trying to shut him up by mumbling, “This isn’t the night for this…” and Vikki looks ready to pound her into the dirt, because she’s figured out what it is that Trevor said to her, and is noooooot happy about it. Gnarly Trev soldiers on, “And Vikki, um, I just have so much fun when I’m with you… I’ve really fallen in love with both of you guys, and it’s really confusing for me.” Rikki just mumbles “Thanks.” I dunno, Gnarly, Vix still looks dubious.

Now Chub-In-Training speaks up, “Not to knock on you, Trevor, like, you know I like you, but I just really feel I’d make a better boyfriend for you girls. Choose me.” Note, he still uses the plural term (like his filthy porn-fantasy-day-dreams are gonna come true and he’s gonna get both) and there’s no mention of “love”. And the final key goes to….

…Gnarly Trevor! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Chub-In-Training is going back to Jersey! *happy dance* …

…I’ve been waiting almost two months for this screencap…

To his very slight credit, at least he doesn’t go postal or screamy, instead hugging the girls goodbye, and congratulating Barfly and Gnarly as he shakes their hands, but he does admit to being upset because he “really would do anything for these girls.” Well, everything except stay away from drinking his face off for one lousy night. However, he’s glad that the “experience” helped him bring out his “sensitive side” (because he dressed in drag, remember?… oh yeah, and he hooked up with Trevor) and insists that he would make so much of a better boyfriend to the Twins than Rebekah or Trevor would ever be. “It really sucks and that’s it!” And that’s the last we hear from him as he makes his way out of the IkkMansion. Praise Jesus, Mary, Madonna, Cher, Janet, Beyoncé and Patti LaBelle!

Next week is the reunion of all the Ikkitestants, Club Kid Josh and Stripperista will come face to face for the first time since he douched his way off the show, and the Ikkis will make their final choices!

What did you think of this episode? Could Chubbsy Scott have been any stupider? Will the Twins reeeeally want to deal with Barfly’s kid? Did Gnarly Trevor make a mistake in telling Rikki he loved her? Are you as sick as I am of hearing how “confused” everybody is? Well, hang in there, we’ve only got one week left (but something tells me there’s gonna be a second season of this crap).

Thanks for sticking by me, I love all of your comments, you are the sunshine of my life!

love, J-Mo